Short screenplay for the May 2018 "That short script you didn't finish" contest. There's Something About Ursula FADE IN: EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT High heels click on a winding path between a sea of old tombstones. The heels belong to URSULA, who possesses a beauty that might be described as ethereal, not of this world. HIDING IN THE BUSHES Just a pair of eyes visible, wide with fear, watching. AMONG THE TOMBSTONES Ursula slows as she examines various tombstones. IN THE BUSHES A digital camera, held by shaky hands. AMONG THE TOMBSTONES Finally Ursula stops at a particular grave. IN THE BUSHES The digital camera CLICK-CLICK-CLICKs. AMONG THE TOMBSTONES Ursula's head slowly turns, she heard it. IN THE BUSHES The photographer, GRANT, a nerdy young man, scrambles out of the bushes and runs away as if demons are chasing him. AMONG THE TOMBSTONES Ursula sees Grant vanishing into the night. She doesn't react. She returns her attention to the tombstone. She seems to address the tombstone... or whoever rests here. URSULA Tell me everything you know. INT. TIPSY CAT CAFE - DAY A warm family place with gingham table cloths and framed pictures of falling-over-drunk cats on the walls. WILLIE, a young man wearing a kitchen apron, is with KITTY, the attractive MILF cafe owner. Willie opens a ring box, showing a diamond ring inside. Kitty OOOOHs. KITTY My God, it's beautiful. WILLIE You think she'll like it? KITTY I think she'll love it. WILLIE God, I hope so. Sorry, just a little nervous. KITTY I guess it's not every day you propose to someone. WILLIE No, no it is not. KITTY Are you sure about this girl, Willie? WILLIE Sure I'm sure, why would you, why do you say that? KITTY There's just something about her, I don't know. How long have you known her? Every time you talk about her, you're a little vague. WILLIE Vague, I'm not vague. God, it feels as if I've known her... forever. KITTY You're right, you're not vague at all. So it's happening tonight? WILLIE Yes it is, I've booked a table at the restaurant. Willie's cell phone plays a dinky tune, Willie smiles an apology to Kitty and fumbles to answer it. WILLIE (INTO PHONE) Where the hell have you been? INT. URSULA'S STUDIO - DAY Chic, well furnished. Ursula sits at a table facing GRANDMOTHER (70s) and SKEPTICAL GRANDSON (30s). Ursula deals Tarot cards. Every time she turns a card over she pauses and seems to consider what it might mean. GRANDMOTHER I hope you don't mind my grandson being here. He insisted. URSULA Not at all. As long as you're comfortable with it. SKEPTICAL GRANDSON I just wanted to make sure Grammy is getting value for her money. Since she seems to be giving you enough of it. URSULA Perhaps you'd like me to demonstrate? SKEPTICAL GRANDSON I really would love to see that. Ursula turns more cards over, lining them up. SKEPTICAL GRANDSON Are you listening, Grandma? URSULA Oh, I'm not reading for your grandmother. I'm reading for you. A moment, as this slowly sinks in... URSULA Let's skip school and college, and the accountancy exam you cheated in. You've been married twice. Both marriages ended in divorce because of your infidelity. Your children aren't really yours. You should get your sperm count checked. Your career is about to take an unexpected turn. They're going to discover the funds you stole are missing. Putting the account in your first wife's name, pretty dumb move. SKEPTICAL GRANDSON WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? URSULA The cards never lie, Andy. You've been a cheat and a liar and an abusive creep all your life. Karma has finally caught up with you. Skeptical Grandson angrily shoves his chair back and stands. He glares at Ursula, who meets his gaze calmly. He storms out, slamming the door. His Grandmother flinches. URSULA I'm sorry about that. GRANDMOTHER It's me who should be apologizing. Grandmother smiles and leans forward. GRANDMOTHER Are there any new messages for me? INT. GRANT'S CAR, IN A PARKING LOT - DAY Grant watches as Willie fiddles with the digital camera, thumbing through pictures on the LCD screen. WILLIE You hid in the church all night? GRANT I sought sanctuary from the dark powers. WILLIE You're an atheist. GRANT That doesn't mean I can't believe in God when I need him. WILLIE You're sure it was her? GRANT I waited for two hours, in the bushes, things crawled into my mouth. She was the only other person there. WILLIE I'm not seeing her. GRANT That's what I'm telling you, she doesn't take pictures. WILLIE What? GRANT She is vampyr, a creature of the night. WILLIE Now you're just being stupid. GRANT Am I? AM I? You're the one who asked me to hide in the cemetery at midnight to photograph your girlfriend. You know there's something weird about her. Willie wears a troubled, thoughtful look. INT. TIPSY CAT CAFE - DAY The doorbell DINGS as ZEUS MEPHISTO enters. Zeus is dressed all in black -- black suit, hat, shirt and tie. His hooded eyes see everything. Kitty picks up a menu from the counter and smiles a welcome. KITTY Just coffee, or are ya eating? Zeus takes off his hat and returns the smile. Kitty stares at his hair. He has two weirdo curls that resemble horns. ZEUS I would much prefer tea. KITTY Grab a table and I'll be right over. Zeus sits at a window table. He casually looks outside. Just a couple of yards away, Willie returns. KITTY Everything okay? WILLIE Yes? No? I am distressed. KITTY Is there anything I can do? Kitty makes a cup of tea while they talk. WILLIE I had her followed. KITTY You had Ursula followed? Zeus's head turns at the mention of the name. WILLIE Well, not followed, exactly. I knew she takes long walks at night. (hesitates) To the cemetery. KITTY You know, sometimes people, when they can't sleep, they go out for a walk. The cemetery would be quite peaceful, late at night. You could walk around for hours without disturbing anyone. Kitty giggles at her own joke. KITTY Back in a second. She takes the cup of tea to Zeus's table... but he's GONE. Kitty is confused, where'd he go? She returns to Willie. KITTY I mean, as long as she wasn't doing anything funny. WILLIE Funny like...? KITTY She doesn't take a shovel along, does she? WILLIE Haha, of course not. KITTY So she's just having a walk. (suspiciously) Who followed her? WILLIE Grant has specialized surveillance equipment. KITTY Grant has a camera. Willie, is this what you really want, spying on the woman you're supposed to love? Don't you trust her? WILLIE You know, you're right. KITTY Put this behind you and treat her with respect. WILLIE I will, I will. KITTY Now go clean out the grease trap. WILLIE Dear God in heaven. KITTY Consider it punishment duty. EXT. CITY SKYLINE - DAY TO EVENING TO NIGHT Time lapse animation, as the sun goes down. INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Willie looks and feels out of place in a cheap suit. He runs his finger inside his collar. He checks his pocket. He perks up as Ursula arrives, their SERVER shows her to the table. SERVER I'll give you a moment, then come back and take your drinks order. He wanders off. Willie takes Ursula in with his eyes, she wears a dress worthy of a Hollywood red carpet event. WILLIE You look... terrific. URSULA Thank you. Well, this is nice. Are you sure you can afford it? WILLIE Money is no object, I've got it covered. I wanted tonight to be very special. URSULA Oh, it will be. Willie doesn't see it, but Ursula gives him a predatory stare and licks her lips as if he's on the menu. The Server returns -- we only see his body up to the neck, not his head -- and hands them both menus, Ursula takes hers without looking up. WILLIE Thank you...? Willie looks up and we see the Server is different. We recognize him as Zeus Mephisto, wearing a waiter's jacket. Zeus smiles down at Willie. His hair like devil horns. ZEUS Sorry to interrupt your evening. WILLIE Uh... Ursula stares in horror at her menu. Because inside is a strip of yellow parchment covered with weird characters. Her thumb is touching it, burning flesh HISSES and SMOKES. ZEUS Hello, Ursula. You're looking well. Life here agrees with you. URSULA No, no, no no no. ZEUS I'm afraid yes. It's your return ticket to the hot place. Let's not make a scene. You don't want to embarrass your young man. WILLIE What's going on, who the hell are you? Willie makes to rise but Zeus's hand is on his shoulder. ZEUS I'm afraid she has to come with me. Don't you, Ursula my dear? Without any fuss, Ursula stands up, turns away and walks to the exit. ZEUS It's probably hard for you to understand right now, but I've probably just saved your life. Succubi don't go on dinner dates for the food. Zeus walks after Ursula. Willie stares at their long tails, which end in arrow heads. Zeus stops, looks back, smiles. ZEUS Hopefully you'll get a refund on the ring. Be seeing you. And they're gone. A beat. Willie raises his hand. WILLIE Check please? The End. May 2018

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