Short screenplay for the 2017 Valentine's Day contest that didn't happen, lack of participants. PROBED FADE IN: EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING Eerily quiet. Not even a bird singing. EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING A family car comes along. INT. FAMILY CAR - MORNING (MOVING) DAD at the wheel, MOM in the passenger seat. Both wearing their Sunday clothes. MOM We're going to be late again. DAD We've got plenty of time. MOM You said that last Sunday and we were late. DAD It's not like we're going to miss anything important. MOM I don't know about you, but I don't like being stared at when we go into church ten minutes after the sermon has started, like some Jezebel harlot, so if you don't mind... DAD Plenty of time. Mom cranes her neck as she looks ahead, seeing something. MOM What in Jesus' name is that? EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING A thin human figure (EVAN) emerges from the mist and stumbles weakly towards the road, hunched over. INT. FAMILY CAR - MORNING (MOVING) Mom leans forward, peering through the windscreen. MOM Is he...? DAD Jesus H. Christ. EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING The car stops. Mom and Dad's mouths hang open. Evan reaches the road and slumps down onto his knees, exhausted. Perhaps Evan hears the car motor, he looks up, turns his head, stares at the car. Realization fills him, my God, people! He stretches an arm out as if begging for help. He opens his mouth to speak. Words don't come. His eyelids flutter and his eyes close. He keels over onto his side and lies there like roadkill. Mom and Dad climb out of the car, leaving the motor running. They hurry to where Evan lies. DAD The bastard's buck naked! Avert your eyes! MOM My God, look at the size of his schlong. DAD You have been tainted by evil thoughts, woman. MOM Is he dead? Dad leans down, inspects Evan. He prods Evan's cheek. Evan's entire body shudders. DAD He's still alive. MOM Should we, should we get him in the car and take him to a doctor? DAD I'm not having some naked drunk bum in the back of my car, emptying his bladder and soiling my seat with his stinking feces. MOM There's a blanket in the trunk. DAD I haven't even made the final payment yet! MOM Are you a Christian, or are you one of those rich motherfuckers who just pretends he's a Christian but pisses in the mouths of poor people? And before you answer, remember God is watching. We were on our way to church when this poor soul crossed our path. DAD He gets himself drunk in a field in the middle of nowhere and it's my fault? Mom looks up at the Heavens, caught in religious fervor. MOM Perhaps we're being tested. Perhaps this is a sign. Dad is considerably less enthusiastic. DAD We're being tested, all right. Evan's eyes open wide. Mom and Dad jump back, spooked. The car engine makes a clunking sound, and dies. Dad stares at the car, puzzled. Mom stares at the crop field. Because the mist covering the crop field is glowing with a pulsing yellow light. And the crops are swaying in that spooky way they do when you just know somehow that someone, or something, is moving through said crops. Evan weakly raises his head and looks back at the crop field. EVAN Oh God. Oh God. They're coming. He looks up at Mom and Dad, who are wondering what in God's name is happening here. MOM What is that light? EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING Looking towards the road... Evan, Mom, Dad, a short distance away, semi-shadows visible through the light-filled mist. Slowly moving towards them... skimming the top of the wheat... getting faster and faster... EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING Evan sobs pathetically. EVAN Please, please help me... Mom looks at Dad, who's staring at the field. EVAN Don't let them take me again... MOM What's he talking about? DAD I don't know, I don't know, shut up for God's sake. EVAN Don't let them probe me! Please! Mom stares at him, wide-eyed. Dad puts his arms around Mom and pulls her away, hurries her back to the car, opens the passenger door and bundles her inside, ignoring her cries of protest. He slams the door and runs to the driver's side. EVAN Please! Don't leave me! INT. FAMILY CAR - MORNING Dad drops into his seat, tries to start the car. WHEEZING AND COUGHING from the motor. He keeps trying! MOM We can't just leave him here! Dad indicates the pulsing yellow light in the mist. DAD You wanted a sign! There's a sign! THE MOTOR TURNS OVER AT LAST. Dad turns his eyes to the roof. DAD Thank you, Lord. He puts the stick in gear and stamps on the gas pedal. EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING Evan can only look on in horror as the car swerves across the road to avoid him, and powers away leaving a fog of exhaust fumes. He's alone and helpless. The mist swirls around him. It's as if invisible hands suddenly grab hold of his ankles and pull his legs out straight. He's dragged back into the field, into the mist. EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING Evan is pulled backwards. He claws at the ground, trying to stop himself, but the force is too powerful. EVAN Oh God, NO! Evan disappears into the wheat field. The wheat closes as if he was never there. EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING Mom and Dad's car is a blip on the horizon, moving as fast as it can. EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING The pulsing yellow light fades. INT. A DARK ROOM - DAY A narrow spotlight in the ceiling reveals Evan, strapped to a table face-down, naked and asleep. Just on the edge of the light cone are racks containing silver dildos of all sizes. From thumb size and finger size, up to cucumber and banana, and beyond... thermos flask size. A door slides open, light from a corridor shines into the room, revealing the silhouettes of TWO GREY ALIENS with big heads. They enter the room, walking like slinkies. The door slides shut behind them. They approach the table. They lean forward into the light revealing their faces, pointed jaws, big slanted eyes that are oily black. Let's call them ALIEN BOB and ALIEN TED. Alien Bob pries Evan's eye open. Alien Ted takes a large silver dildo from the rack. Alien Ted speaks, a BUZZING LANGUAGE NOISE beyond our comprehension. Alien Bob shakes his head, no. Alien Ted replaces the dildo in the rack and selects an even larger one. Alien Bob nods approval. Alien Ted pulls a jointed arm down from the ceiling, and inserts the larger dildo into it. Alien Ted pries Evan's buttocks apart. Ready to receive. Alien Bob speaks, that same BUZZING LANGUAGE NOISE. Alien Ted understands. He takes an electronic alien gizmo and touches it to Evan's head. Evan comes awake with a start. His eyes dart around, taking in his surroundings. EVAN Not again! Haven't you probed me enough, you fiends? Alien Bob nods to Alien Ted. Alien Ted maneuvers the robot arm so the probe is lined up with Evan's starfish. The door slides open again. A third alien stands silhouetted. Not the same shape as the first two, wider hips, bigger butt. Let's call her ALIEN MAX. Alien Max says something in the BUZZING LANGUAGE. Alien Bob and Alien Ted look at each other. They leave the room, looking a little disappointed. The door slides shut behind them. Alien Max listens at the door... making sure they're gone. She hurries to the bed. Bends down beside Evan who JERKS in surprise. EVAN Please don't probe me... ALIEN MAX If you want to live, come with me. Alien Max waves a gadget with flashing lights and the straps holding Evan to the table spring open. Evan sits up and swings his legs off the bed. EVAN You speak American! ALIEN MAX I have learned your language, yes. EVAN Why, why would you help me? You're one of them. ALIEN MAX I am different. Evan eyes her shape. EVAN Yes you are different. Alien Max goes to the door, listens with her head against it. The door slides open. Alien Max peers out, looks left and right. She beckons for Evan to follow her. INT. FLYING SAUCER - LADDER SHAFT - DAY A long metallic shaft, Alien Max climbs down the ladder, Evan follows. EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING The ladder extends down out of the mist. Alien Max and Evan climb down the ladder, into the field. Evan looks up, awed by what he's seeing. EVAN I knew it. I knew I was in a flying saucer. Alien Max grabs his hand and pulls him away, they start running. EXT. WOODS - DAY Alien Max and Evan run between the trees. Evan can't go on, he stops, rests against a tree. EVAN Just... give me a minute. Alien Max looks back the way they came. ALIEN MAX They have not yet perceived our escape. EVAN You helped me, and I'm grateful. But what happens now? To you, I mean? ALIEN MAX I had hoped... I had hoped we could be together. EVAN What? ALIEN MAX As I watched them probe you, and saw how you resisted them no matter how deeply they probed, I found myself falling in love with you. I did not know I was capable of love, but I am. EVAN Wow, that's just... ALIEN MAX Love has been forbidden among my species for over a million of your Earth years. I am a deviant. If they find me, they will liquidize me. EVAN Liquidize you, for loving someone? Wow. So, you can't go back? Alien Max shakes her head, no. Evan ponders this and makes his decision. EVAN Then that settles it, you're coming with me. I don't know how, but we'll make this work. ALIEN MAX You would do this for me? EVAN Sure. I mean you look like a deformed mutant from the X-Men but we'll get you a frock and pair of sunglasses, or something. Alien Max puts her hands to her eyes and blinks. The black contact lenses she's been wearing pop out, revealing beautiful big blue eyes with amazingly long eyelashes, like an Anime magical girl. Evan is like, wow. ALIEN MAX My love for you pulses in my veins. I long for you to hold me in your arms. Evan holds her and they enjoy a long, lingering kiss. ALIEN MAX I long for... other things. The probes no longer give me satisfaction, they are cold. I need warmth. I need you. Evan gently lowers her onto the ground. They make sweet love. Uglies are bumped. Alien Max shudders, having a big thrill. She pants breathlessly. Evan rolls off her and is likewise breathless. EVAN Wow, that was... that was... amazing. ALIEN MAX I never imagined I would ever feel such pleasure. For a moment there, I was back among the stars. EVAN I was pretty good, huh? Alien Max strokes his face lovingly and smiles at him. ALIEN MAX We are one now, my seed grows within you. EVAN What? I thought you were a woman? Alien Max frowns, confused. ALIEN MAX What is a "woman"? INT. CHAPEL - DAY Evan in a cheap suit, Alien Max in a wedding dress, wearing a veil. Her big blue eyes look up at Evan lovingly. Evan glances down at his swelling stomach. EVAN This escalated quickly. The End 02/17

Top of page
Back to Short Screenplays
Back to Script Samples
Back to my web page