Short screenplay for the Oct 2019 Crowded Grave contest.



BURY ME DEEP

INT. FUNERAL HOME FOYER - DAY

Front door opens, SADFACE CLOWN enters.  He wears a blue 
curly wig, a purple stripe clown outfit and big red shoes.


INT. FUNERAL HOME GATHERING ROOM - DAY

Sadface Clown peeks into the room.

At the front, a coffin on display, the top half open.  We 
don't get to see who's inside yet.

Sitting in the front row, all alone, a sobbing WIDOW in 
black, her face hidden by a veil.  Good legs, though.

                      FUNERAL DIRECTOR (O.S.)
          What do you think you're doing?


INT. FUNERAL HOME FOYER - DAY

Sadface Clown turns, FUNERAL DIRECTOR doesn't look happy.  
He gestures, indicating the clown make-up, the big shoes.

                      FUNERAL DIRECTOR
          This is highly disrepectful towards 
          the deceased.  I'm afraid I'm going 
          to have to ask you to leave.

Sadface Clown pulls out a huge goddamn revolver.  Funeral 
Director holds up his hands and steps back.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Gimme 5 minutes.  Then you can 
          call the cops.  5 minutes, hear?

Funeral Director nods quickly.

Sadface Clown opens the door, enters the gathering room.


INT. FUNERAL HOME GATHERING ROOM - DAY

Sadface Clown waddles his way down the aisle to the front.

The Widow becomes aware she's not alone, she turns her 
head to look at Sadface Clown.  Her sobbing dries up, she 
takes a hankie from her purse, blows her nose.

                      WIDOW
          Who the hell are you?   

Sadface Clown steps up to the coffin.

The occupant is a man in his 40s, might have been handsome 
once, looks kinda waxy now.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          You might want to look away.

The Widow stands up, shoves her veil up on top of her hat, 
she ain't ugly, her face is streaked with teary mascara.

                      WIDOW
          The fuck? 

Sadface Clown blocks her view with his body, and just as 
well, he's doing something to the body.

CRASH-WHAM a chair explodes over his shoulders, he staggers 
to one side, stunned.

A microsecond's glimpse of the corpse's face, his now-open 
mouth twisted in a rictus of grinning teeth.

The Widow throws away the remains of the chair, picks up 
another one, gets ready to hit him again.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Wait!

He steadies himself against the coffin.

The Widow hesitates, ready to let him have it.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          I had to make sure.

                      WIDOW
          You're a sick piece of shit, get 
          your ass out of here.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          This isn't him.

The Widow swings the chair wildly, Sadface Clown retreats 
just in time to avoid having his face rearranged.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          It's not him!

                      WIDOW
          You don't even know him!  Get out!

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Sylvester Krinkle, right?

                      WIDOW
          Anyone could have told you his 
          name!  His obituary's in the 
          newspaper!

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          I know, I saw it. 

She shouts to whoever might be outside,

                      WIDOW
          Help!  This freak's trying to fuck 
          my dead husband!

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Jesus, lady, I'm not trying to 
          fuck anyone, what is wrong with 
          you?  Anyway, it's not your husband.

                      WIDOW
          You are deranged.
               (shouts)
          Need some help in here!

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Sylvester's got a gold tooth, right 
          here.

He lifts his top lip, points to his own upper gum.

                      WIDOW
          He's being cremated!  They take 
          gold teeth out.

Sadface Clown gestures to the coffin.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          That guy's got all his teeth.  He 
          could be in a toothpaste ad!  He 
          looks kinda like Sylvester, but it 
          ain't him.

The Widow side-eyes the guy in the coffin.

                      WIDOW
          You're an idiot.  Of course it's 
          him.  You think I wouldn't recognize 
          my own husband?

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          It could be Bette Middler under 
          all that makeup.  Look again.  
          Check his teeth.

                      WIDOW
          Step the fuck back.

Sadface Clown holds up his hands and retreats a little.

The Widow approaches the open coffin... looks at the dead 
guy... leans in closer and inspects his teeth.

She straightens, tries to figure this out.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          I knew it.  I knew that rat bastard 
          would try to screw me.

The Widow looks from clown to corpse to clown.

                      WIDOW
          Why are you made up like a clown?

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          I'm in disguise.

                      WIDOW
          You look like an idiot.  This is a 
          supposed to be a funeral service.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          For Sylvester, who isn't the guy 
          in the coffin.

                      WIDOW
          How do you know my husband?

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          It's a long story.

                      WIDOW
          I got time.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          I don't.  Cops are gonna be here 
          soon.

                      WIDOW
          You got wheels?

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Yeah.

She puts down the chair.

                      WIDOW
          Let's go.

Sadface Clown jerks a thumb at the coffin.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          What about him?

                      WIDOW
          What about him?


INT./EXT. CLOWN CAR (MOVING) - DAY

The smallest car imaginable.  Sadface Clown and the Widow 
are squeezed shoulder to shoulder inside.

                      WIDOW
          We got married in June.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Congratulations.

The Widow looks out her side window, ensaddened. 

                      WIDOW
          Everything he told me was a lie.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          You believed him because you wanted 
          to.

                      WIDOW
          You don't know anything about me.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          I've seen him in action, he could 
          charm the pants off Rosie O'Donnell.

                      WIDOW
          And what about you?

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          I never was much of a ladies' man.  
          Sylvester was always the Lone 
          Ranger.  I'm just the horse, no 
          one even noticed me.

                      WIDOW
          I think you're getting your 
          metaphors mixed up, you're the 
          Dumb and Dumber of thieves.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          That's not very nice.

                      WIDOW
          You went and got yourself caught 
          while Sylvester took off with the 
          money.  He feathered himself a 
          tidy little nest while you rotted 
          in prison.
               (puzzled)
          The hell did you get out?

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          The circus came to town.  The warden 
          thought it would be nice if they 
          put on a performance for us 
          prisoners.  He's one of those 
          progressive types.  So he invited 
          them inside.

The Widow looks him up and down with disbelief.

                      WIDOW
          So you...? 

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Punched out one of the guards and 
          put on his uniform.  I didn't hurt 
          him none.  I slapped make-up on 
          him and stuffed him into the clown 
          fire truck.  When the guards found 
          him they thought he was a prisoner 
          trying to escape.  While they were 
          running around blowing their 
          whistles, I walked out the gates.

                      WIDOW
          None of that makes sense.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          I know, but it's what happened. 

                      WIDOW
          How'd you get this car?  And the 
          clown stuff?

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Borrowed them from the circus, how 
          do ya think?

The Widow points ahead.

                      WIDOW
          Over there.


EXT. HOUSE - DAY

The clown car pulls up.  The doors open and Sadface Clown 
and the Widow squeeze themselves out.  They straighten and 
tilt their heads this way and that and rotate their hips 
to get the kinks out.

The Widow indicates the car sitting in the driveway. 

                      WIDOW
          I don't recognize that car.

They hurry up the driveway and enter the house.


INT. HOUSE FOYER - DAY

Sadface Clown and the Widow pause, looking around and 
listening.

Footsteps upstairs -- they hurry to conceal themselves.

SYLVESTER comes downstairs, whistling happily and carrying 
a suitcase.  He looks similar to the guy in the coffin, 
but he's alive of course.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Hey buddy.

Sylvester nearly jumps out of his skin.

Sadface Clown and the Widow confront him.

                      SYLVESTER
          How in the what now?

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          It's good to see you alive and 
          breathing, partner.  Hell, I heard 
          you were dead.

                      WIDOW
          That's funny, I heard the same 
          thing. 

                      SYLVESTER
          Clearly there's been a 
          misunderstanding here.

                      WIDOW
          If I look in that case, am I going 
          to find my jewelry and the money 
          from my safe in there?

                      SYLVESTER
          Darling, you're loaded, you won't 
          even miss them.

                      WIDOW
          You bastard.

                      SYLVESTER
          Aw, is that any way to talk to 
          your husband?

Sylvester pulls out a gun.

                      SYLVESTER
          Wish you hadn't showed up.  Now I 
          gotta do this.

Sadface Clown pulls out his huge revolver.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Mine's bigger'n yours.

Sylvester chuckles, it turns into a laugh.

                      SYLVESTER
          You think I'm stupid?  You think I 
          don't know that's a clown gun?  Go 
          on, pull the trigger.  I want to 
          see the BANG!  Right after, I'm 
          gonna shoot you, and then the little 
          lady.  Sorry darlin'.  Needs must.

BANG!  The huge revolver bucks.  When the smoke clears 
Sylvester's lying there with a big hole in him.

                      WIDOW
          Jesus Christ, you killed him.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          I couldn't let him shoot you, now
          could I?

                      WIDOW
          What do we do with the body?

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          You're not going to call the cops?

                      WIDOW
          What did they ever do for me?  
          They never even caught the bastard 
          who murdered my husband.

Sadface Clown thinks hard.

                      SADFACE CLOWN
          Quick, what time's the funeral?


EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

GRAVE DIGGERS lower a coffin into an empty grave.

As the coffin reaches the bottom of the hole, we hear a CRUNCH.

The Grave Diggers look at each other, puzzled, but shrug and
drop the cords into the hole, job done.

Only two mourners by the graveside, the Clown and the Widow.

                      WIDOW
          At least he's got company.
                 (beat)
          Buy a widow a drink?

FADE OUT 

                                                        Oct 2019




October 2019 Contest results
Admin Southern_land

Okay folks, it's midnight on the 31st somewhere (and I think
all of the entrants have voted)

The scores

Southern-Land - Body in the woods....3
dpaterson - Bury me Deep...........8
TigerFang - Diggin' up bones........3
Southern-Land - Pandemic..................5
john - the credit bureau.......6
jmpowell7 - The wish...................1
dpaterso - the wop....................3
TigerFang - The chemist...............1

Thank you all for entering and a special thanks to those of you
who saw some value in "Body in the woods" and "Pandemic". There
are special places in heaven for you.