Short screenplay for the 2017 Xmas contest.

THE BATTLE OF THE NORTH POLE

FADE IN:

EXT. NORTH POLE - DAY

Through falling snow we glimpse a small village comprised
of dozens of wooden huts. Warm yellow light shines from
the windows.


EXT. HUT - DAY

The door opens and an ELF (pointed ears, red nose, green
Elf attire and hat) sticks his head out and looks around.

                       ELF
           I'm telling you, I heard something.

FLASH, a laser-bolt blasts him in the chest. He grimaces,
collapses, falls over. Smoke rises from his chest.

Out of the snow come DOZENS OF ELVES wearing Special Snow
Forces white camouflage clothing and carrying laser rifles.

An SS Elf leaps in through the hut doorway. Panicked
shouting and screaming from inside. FLASH FLASH FLASH.

Other SS Elves run between the huts. They kick doors open
and leap inside. FLASH FLASH FLASH.  More screaming.

An SS Officer Elf speaks into his walkie-talkie.

                        SS OFFICER ELF
           We've taken them completely by
           surprise, Lord Blizzard. You can
           come in now.


EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE ICE - DAY

A wooden mallet rises and falls, hammering a hole in the
ice. The ice cracks and a hole is created.

FERDY, a young elf, peers into the hole. Water is visible.

                        FERDY
           Aw yuss.

Ferdy's shaggy little dog, YAPPER, barks happily.

Ferdy puts down his mallet and takes up his fishing rod.
He lowers the hook into the water.

                       FERDY (CONT'D)
           The first fish is yours, boy, I
           promise, ha ha!

Yapper turns his head and his ears prick up, as if he's
heard something. Ferdy is oblivious.


EXT. HUT - DAY

SS Elves stand to attention as a snow sled pulls up.

LORD BLIZZARD steps down, his boots crunching the snow. A
sinister young Elf with cold eyes, dressed all in black.

                         LORD BLIZZARD
          How many?

                       SS OFFICER ELF
          Sixteen dead, my lord. Another
          dozen or so wounded. No casualties
          on our side.

                         LORD BLIZZARD
          Where is he?

SS Officer Elf points to the biggest hut.


INT. SANTA'S HUT - DAY

It's like a scene from a Spaghetti Western, Elf bodies are
scattered everywhere, tables and chairs are overturned.

A big fat sad man sits in a chair by the stone fireplace,
guarded by two SS Elves. He wears a red jacket and red
pants trimmed with white fur. His beard is white as snow.
You would know him as SANTA CLAUS.

Lord Blizzard enters. He pauses in the doorway. He stares
at Santa Claus. Santa Claus glares back at him.

                      SANTA CLAUS
          I should have known it was you who
          orchestrated this madness. Only
          you would have the arrogance--

Lord Blizzard holds up a hand, stopping him.

                      LORD BLIZZARD
          Please. Don't put this on me.
          You insist upon doing things the
          old way, with wooden mallets and
          hammers, instead of modernizing.
          I tried to convince you, but no.
          You would not surrender the reins.
          Literally.

Lord Blizzard sweeps his arm, indicating the dead.

                      LORD BLIZZARD (CONT'D)
          And so, this. It is your doing,
          not mine.

                       SANTA CLAUS
          Damn you.   Damn you to heck.

                      LORD BLIZZARD
          Take the old fool away and lock
          him up.

The SS Elf guards pull Santa out of his chair and lead him
outside.


EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE ICE - DAY

Ferdy pulls a fish out of the hole in the ice.

                      FERDY
          This one's for you, boy.

But Yapper isn't paying attention.    The dog stares into
the distance. Ferdy notices.

                      FERDY (CONT'D)
          What is it, boy?

An ELF bursts out of the falling snow, running as if the
hounds of Hell are after him. In a sense they are.

Two SS ELVES pursue him. They stop and take aim. FLASH,
FLASH. The running Elf is blasted by laser bolts and falls.

Ferdy throws himself flat on the snow and watches with
wide eyes as the SS Elves prod the dead Elf's body.

                      SS ELF 1
          Haw haw haw. Did you see how he
          almost flipped completely over?

                      SS ELF 2
          Let's see if we can find any more.

Ferdy shakes with fear or anger or maybe both. He clutches
his mallet. He wants to hammer these elves. But something
stops him. Common sense? Self-preservation?

Yapper barks.

Ferdy wants to shout YAPPER, NO! But it's too late. The
two SS Elves see Yapper. They look around. Ferdy is just
a snowy lump among many snowy lumps.

                         SS ELF 1
          I hate dogs.

SS Elf 1 raises his laser rifle and takes aim.

Yapper barks and prances to the right.  FLASH!  The laser
bolt misses him.

                         SS ELF 1 (CONT'D)
          Son of a--

Yapper barks and prances to the left.  FLASH!  Missed again!

                      SS ELF 1 (CONT'D)
          Damn thing won't stay still.

Ferdy erupts from the snow like a rage monster, mallet
swinging. He takes SS Elf 1 out with a crunching blow.

SS Elf 2 backs away in a panic as Ferdy advances on him.

                      SS ELF 2
          No, wait, no, please, don't--

Another crunching blow ends his mewling pleas.

Ferdy stands there panting, holding his bloodied mallet.

Yapper pants too, that was fun!

Ferdy looks at the footprints that stretch off into the
snow. He follows the trail. Yapper bounds after him.


EXT. SANTA'S HUT - DAY

Lord Blizzard preens himself in front of a mirror.

                      LORD BLIZZARD
          Welcome to the North Pole, I am
          Lord Blizzard. Welcome, I am Lord
          Blizzard, absolute ruler of the
          North Pole. Gentlemen, to the
          North Pole, welcome. You may
          address me as Lord Blizzard.

SS Officer Elf looks in.

                      SS OFFICER ELF
          They're ready for you, my lord.

                      LORD BLIZZARD
          Excellent, I'll be right out.


EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE - DAY

Lord Blizzard stands on a box, with armed SS Elves on either
side. They face dozens of frightened worker Elves who
have been rounded up. Many wear bandages. All the square
exits are blocked by more SS Elves.

                      LORD BLIZZARD
          I have done all I could to make
          this transition as painless as
          possible. Unfortunately, due to
          the stupid actions of certain
          persons, there were, I regret to
          say, some casualties. Oh how I
          wish these tragic losses could
          have been avoided.

                      ELF IN CROWD
          Where's Santa?

SS Officer Elf looks up at Lord Blizzard.  Do you want the
speaker dealt with?

Lord Blizzard makes a subtle hand gesture, no, it's okay.

                      LORD BLIZZARD
          He is being well cared for, you
          need not worry about him. Recent
          events have affected him, however.
          He is not quite himself. Let's
          not upset him any more, eh?

Among the worker Elves is a pretty girl Elf called Rosie,
who frowns in disapproval of what she's hearing.

Rosie's gaze flits past the SS Elf guards and (gasp!) she
sees Ferdy, peeking around the corner of a hut.

Ferdy sees Rosie. Rosie rolls her eyes to the left,
inviting Ferdy to look in that direction. Ferdy looks,
she's indicating a small hut at the edge of the village.

                      LORD BLIZZARD (CONT'D)
          The foreign investors will arrive
          within the hour. We shall all go
          to the airstrip to welcome them.
          And then, on to the toy factory,
          so we can discuss the proposed
          upgrades. A torchlit procession.
          Wouldn't that be lovely? As a
          welcoming gesture. We want to
          make them feel welcome, don't we?

The gathered Elves look at each other dubiously.


INT. SMALL WOODEN HUT - DAY

Santa sits on a bed, looking glum. An SS Elf looks in the
doorway, checking up on him. Santa gives him the middle
finger. The SS Elf turns away and moves out of sight.

An almighty THUMP. Santa stares at the doorway, wondering
what the noise was. Ferdy peeks inside. He sees Santa.

                         FERDY
          Santa Claus!

                      SANTA CLAUS
          Ferdinand. How did you get past
          the guards?

Ferdy drags his bloody wooden mallet into view.

                       SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
          I see.   Well done.

                      FERDY
          Blizzard has a lot of bad Elves
          with him. They have scary guns
          that spit light.

                      SANTA CLAUS
          Those Star Battle toys were never
          meant to be weaponized. They're
          for children! Only a maniac would
          remove their limiters.

                      FERDY
          Isn't making toy guns that can be
          turned into fully functional assault
          weapons dangerous?

                      SANTA CLAUS
          Sometimes we have to cut corners,
          Ferdinand.

                      FERDY
          What are you going to do now?

Santa moves to the doorway, looks outside.

                      SANTA CLAUS
          Actually I was thinking about
          grabbing my sleigh and flying out
          of this madhouse.

                      FERDY
          But what about your people?   What
          about the toy factory?

                      SANTA CLAUS
          I can't help them. Blizzard has
          armed guards everywhere. We should
          split up. I'll head for the
          stables. You rejoin the Elves.

                      FERDY
          They're heading for the airstrip.

                      SANTA CLAUS
          Perhaps you can catch up with them.
          Good luck!

Santa Claus exits and hurries away.

Ferdy isn't sure what to do.   He hears a dog barking.


EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE - DAY

The square's almost empty now, all the Elves are gone except
for two douchenozzle SS Elves throwing snowballs at Yapper,
who tries to avoid them but gets pelted.

                      SS ELF 3
           Dance, little doggy, dance!

The mallet of doom crushes SS Elf 3.

SS Elf 4 jumps back and aims his laser rifle at Ferdy.

                      SS ELF 4
          You'll pay for your defiance!

Yapper leaps and his jaws snap shut on SS Elf 4's throat.
SS Elf 4 topples backward like a felled tree.

Yapper barks and runs around Ferdy.

                      FERDY
          Good boy. I want you to stay here.
          I know you want to come with me,
          but it's too dangerous. I'll be
          back.


EXT. AIRSTRIP - DAY

Lord Blizzard stands in his sled, with SS Elves around
him. The worker Elves are lined up on either side of the
strip, each holding a flaming torch.

                      LORD BLIZZARD
          I think it's a nice touch, they'll
          appreciate it.

He looks up, hearing the noise of an airplane engine.

                      LORD BLIZZARD (CONT'D)
          Right on schedule.

Lord Blizzard looks down and sees Ferdy standing in the
middle of the airstrip.

                      LORD BLIZZARD (CONT'D)
          Tell that idiot to join the others.
          If he doesn't do as he's told, get
          rid of him.

SS Officer Elf beckons to two SS Elves and gives them
instructions.

Nearby, Rosie recognizes Ferdy, she fears for his life.

The two SS Elves run toward Ferdy.

                         SS ELF 5
            Move!  Or we will use deadly force!

                        SS ELF 6
            This is your only warning!

Ferdy hefts his mallet.

                        FERDY
            My little friend likes being right
            here.

The SS Elves glance at each other. Okay, that's it. They
take aim and fire, FLASH FLASH! But their laser bolts
reflect off THE MIRROR FERDY HAS STRAPPED TO HIS BODY.
And strike the SS Elves. They go down, smoking.

Ferdy stalks toward Lord Blizzard. SS Elf guards open
fire but their bolts reflect off the mirror. Several guards
run at Ferdy but he smashes them aside with his mallet.

The worker Elves see Ferdy's invincibility. If he can
take down the guards, so can we! The flame of rebellion
sparks and the worker Elves rush the SS Elves, beating
them with their burning torches.

Lord Blizzard sees certain doom rushing upon him.

                        LORD BLIZZARD
            Oh come on, that's just not fair.

He disappears under a wave of angry worker Elves.

In moments it's over. The worker Elves cheer their victory,
much like the Ewoks after the Battle of Endor, only much
better-looking.

Ferdy sits down in the snow, exhausted. He looks up as he
hears an airplane engine. The sound fades, it's leaving.

Rosie throws her arms around Ferdy and kisses him. Yapper
runs up and licks Ferdy's face. They laugh together.

                        ROSIE
            Where's Santa Claus?

                        FERDY
            He'll return soon. And then we
            shall know the joy of Christmas!

Snow falls on this happy scene as we pull back and

FADE OUT.
                                                        Dec 2017