This is an excerpt from a completed screenplay.
"Worst Of The Worst" - screenplay by Derek Paterson. FADE IN: EXT. STREET OUTSIDE NEWSPAPER SHOP - DAY A clapped-out hatchback pulls up, out climbs DEL GALWAY, age somewhere in the region of 30, physique somewhere in the region of fat bastard. Del wears an anorac over a grubby pair of white trousers. He enters the paper shop. INT. NEWSPAPER SHOP - DAY Del inspects the nudie magazines, taking a good look at all of them, opening the centerfolds. He picks two and puts the rest back but doesn't bother to tidy them. Two 10-year-old boys enter, ANDY and DUGGIE. Duggie picks some sweets and crisps. As Del turns round he bumps Duggie and drops his magazines. DEL Oy, watch it, melon head. Del picks up his magazines. Duggie rubs his shoulder. DUGGIE Fat bastard. Del casually slaps him in the kisser with the magazines. DEL Oh dear, terribly sorry. Del heads for the counter. Andy watches him, frowning. A WOMAN SHOPPER with a basket arrives at the counter at the same time as Del. DEL Age before beauty, my darling. The Woman Shopper sees the magazines and gives Del a look. DEL I see your daughter's made the centerfold again. Lovely girl. The Woman Shopper tuts in disgust. The GIRL SHOP ASSISTANT serves her next. Andy leans an elbow on the counter and insolently looks Del up and down. Del becomes aware of this scrutiny. DEL What are you looking at? ANDY Nothing much. The Woman Shopper exits, it's Del's turn. The Girl Shop Assistant scans Del's magazines without a word. Del slaps down a tenner. DEL I hope I won't find you in there. Del notices that Andy is still staring at him. DEL Naff off you cheeky little bugger. ANDY Take you any time, hard man. Del opens his anorac with a flourish, as if he's about to show Andy a gun or something. What he shows is the yellow belt he wears around his beer gut. The white trousers are from the crumpled karate uniform Del wears under his anorac. DEL You need to watch that mouth of yours, sonny jim. It's writing cheques your body can't cash. ANDY Yellow belt's nothing. Means you can bend over without farting. Del holds up his fist. DEL See this? Snap a plank of wood in half, this. ANDY You couldn't snap knicker elastic you fat shite. GIRL SHOP ASSISTANT Oy. Take it outside, the pair of you. She hands Del his change and a carrier bag with the mags. DEL I'll be thinking of you later. GIRL SHOP ASSISTANT Piss off, Galway. And take your smut with you. Del walks past Andy who deliberately trips him. DEL Right. You've had your warning. Outside. Del pushes Andy out the door. The Girl Shop Assistant and Duggie stare in amazement. DEL He asked for it. You're both witnesses. EXT. SIDE ALLEY - DAY Shop bins and an open skip. Del drops his carrier bag and shrugs off his anorac but keeps hold of it. He faces Andy who folds his arms, unimpressed. DEL You have insulted my yellow belt and you have insulted my dojo. ANDY You don't have a real dojo. You use the school gym. DEL It's a certified dojo, and you, my little friend, are about to get your arse kicked. Andy executes a series of karate punches and kicks on the spot, showing off. ANDY Come on then! Iron Fist Ninja Dojo challenges Fat Wanker Dojo! Del throws his anorac at Andy who tries to dodge, but Del jumps forward and grabs him in a bear hug. ANDY Gerroff you big poof! Del picks Andy up and with a superhuman effort heaves him into the skip, keeping hold of his anorac. Andy completely disappears. Del doubles over to catch his breath. Yelling and banging noises come from inside the skip. Del peeks over the edge. It's filthy in there, Andy's swimming in some kind of disgusting brown goo. ANDY Fat bastard! Del realizes his mistake and offers Andy a hand. Andy climbs out, he's covered in muck and nearly in tears. DEL Just remember. I could have killed you with my bare hands. I chose not to. There's no honour, see? There's got to be honour between a student of the martial arts, and his opponent. And that, my friend, is closure. Del shrugs on his anorac, picks up his carrier bag, and swaggers back to his car, passing the Girl Shop Assistant and Duggie who were watching from the street. They're both gobsmacked. INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY A dozen or so KARATE STUDENTS warm up, they're all ages, from young teens to pensioners. They windmill their arms, stretch their waists, and do some kid-on spazzy sparring. Del enters (without anorac) and nods, which is as close as he ever comes to bowing. He sees his mate SAMMY, 20s, a good-looking Indian lad whose uniform is dazzlingly white. Sammy wears a purple belt, his practice moves are sharp. DEL Is Rambo not here yet? SAMMY He might be. We just can't see him. He is one with the jungle. A 70s Woman throws feeble punches at a smirking Teenage Boy who retreats before her flying fists of fury. DEL Kick her in the colostomy bag, Michael. The 70s Woman glares at Del over her shoulder. SAMMY Dorothy's well fit. Bet she gives her old man bendy toy sex on Saturdays. DEL Lasts for hours, their wrinkles glue them together like Velcro. I see your mum's taking pride in your appearance. You're like an ad for biological washing powder. SAMMY She splashed some on my arm and my skin turned white. Bloody scary. DEL Think of the shame you'd bring to your family if you became white. You'd be an outcast. Caught between two cultures, belonging to neither. SAMMY As long as my dick doesn't shrink to the size of a white man's, I'll be all right. DEL We going for a pint or two after this? SAMMY I'll give that idea the serious consideration it deserves. Ey up, it's Rambo. FRANK REYNARD has entered the gym. A fanatic athlete with a head like a polished artillery shell. His uniform is immaculate, his black belt tied precisely. He stands to rigid attention and bows to the gym, which is now a dojo. The students bow to Frank. Frank strides to the front of the class. The students line up. FRANK Galway. Front and center. Del and Sammy glance at each other. Del trots forward. FRANK Stand at attention. Del does. Frank circles Del, spooking him. FRANK Heard you got into a big fight on the way here. Proud of yourself, are you? Beating up some kid? DEL I never touched him. I just taught the gobby little shite a lesson. How did you know? FRANK That's my niece works in the paper shop. What was it you said to her? "I'll be thinking of you later." What did you mean by that, exactly? DEL I was just being friendly. She's a lovely girl. FRANK You know what you are, Galway? DEL Unreasonably gifted? FRANK You're a loser who thinks 'cause he somehow wanked his way through a couple of gradings, he deserves to wear this uniform... and a belt that looks as if it was tied by a monkey on crystal meth. DEL I trained hard for this yellow belt. I earned it. FRANK Trained hard? Why? So you could wipe the floor with some kid? DEL Frank, you've got the wrong end of the stick. He was dissing me. He was dissing this dojo. You know what those Iron Fist Ninja Dojo wankers are like. They think they're better than us. FRANK You will address me as sensei, not Frank. DEL Yes Ffffffsensei. FRANK You will now demonstrate, to the class, the sparring techniques you used to defeat a frightened kid half your size. I'll be your sparring partner. DEL He said this isn't a proper dojo. His insults were intolerable. FRANK Oh well, that makes it all right then, doesn't it? Class will stand to attention and observe. The students stand to attention. Frank indicates Del should move so they're facing each other, side-on to the students. DEL He said you're an ugly bastard. Couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag. FRANK Did he, now? Frank bows to Del. Del sighs, no choice. He nods to Frank. Frank's first punch snaps Del's head back, Del windmills his arms, staggers back, lands on his arse. Sammy winces and looks away. The 70s Woman grins. INT. LOCKER ROOM / SHOWER ROOM - DAY Del sits on a bench looking miserable and bruised. He holds a wet cloth to his bloody nose. Sammy enters and strips off his uniform. SAMMY You had him on the run for a second there. I saw fear in his eyes. DEL Naff off. What kind of instructor beats up one of his own students? I could have him in a court of law if I wanted. SAMMY Good luck with that. Frank's a copper, his brothers are coppers, their dad's a copper, they shag other coppers... DEL Yeah yeah, I get it. SAMMY It's a whole big copper thing, just like the Masons. No, wait, they are the Masons. You mess with the Masons, they'll bury you alive in a stone tomb. They've got the tools and everything. DEL Give me a bit of sympathy here, will you? You're supposed to be my mate. Sammy chucks his jock strap at Del. Naked, Sammy runs into the showers. Del sniffs at the jock strap. DEL Your jock strap smells like a dog's bollocks! --Just as the other male students come in. They try not to laugh but it's impossible. DEL You lot can naff off too. INT. LOCKER ROOM / SHOWER ROOM - DAY Later. Everyone's gone except Del and Sammy. Sammy finishes dressing in street clothes. Del still wears his uniform, he's taken off his yellow belt and cracks it like an imaginary whip. DEL Take that, bitch. Oh, want some more, do you? Beg me for it. SAMMY Why don't you wear clothes and change into your uniform here? DEL They're all in the wash. And for your information it's a "gi" not a uniform. SAMMY Thank you Chuck Norris. Frank enters. He nods to Sammy, glares at Del. DEL Frank, it was all a terrible misunderstanding. Frank ignores him, takes off his belt and uniform. FRANK I've got that application form for the area competition. Needs to be in by this Friday latest. DEL You want me to fight in the area competition? Really? Frank takes a form from his locker and gives it to Sammy. FRANK Zip that four-lane tunnel you call a mouth, Galway. (to Sammy) You've got what it takes, Sammy. You can make the areas no problem. After that, the regionals. SAMMY You're kidding. FRANK Anyone can deliver take aways, Sammy. Not everyone gets a crack at the regionals. Del? DEL Yeah? FRANK Maybe you can sub for Sammy. DEL You mean be his backup if he gets injured? FRANK I mean deliver take aways while he's training, you git. (to Sammy) Think it over, Sammy. Fill out that form if you're interested in being a hero. SAMMY Okay. DEL If he says no can I go instead? FRANK In your dreams. Frank is naked now, fit and muscular. Del looks him over with admiration. DEL Frank, you've got a body like a Greek god. I'd give anything to be you. FRANK Naff off Galway, and stop looking at my arse. Frank goes into the showers leaving his uniform folded on a bench, the black belt sitting on top. SAMMY I need a drink, back in a sec. Sammy exits leaving Del alone. INT. WATER FOUNTAIN CORRIDOR - DAY Sammy bends over a water fountain and takes a drink just as PETULA marches by. She isn't your classic beauty but give her time, she'll grow on you. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE LOCKER ROOM - DAY Petula looks around, sees the MALE CHANGING ROOM sign. INT. WATER FOUNTAIN CORRIDOR - DAY Sammy turns and finds himself staring up at BIG TOMMY, built like a brick shithouse, cold-eyed, expressionless. SAMMY Can I help you? Big Tommy just stares at Sammy. The corridor suddenly seems lonely and dangerous. Big Tommy turns and walks away without a word, leaving Sammy feeling unsettled. INT. LOCKER ROOM / SHOWER ROOM - DAY Del looks up as Petula opens the door and looks inside. DEL Ladies is the other side, love. PETULA I'm looking for someone. DEL Who's the lucky bloke? PETULA Some bastard called Galway. She says it as if she suspects Del might be the bastard she's looking for. Del picks up Frank's black belt and flips it casually over his shoulder as if it's his. DEL Galway... Oh, you mean Del Galway? He's gone. Home. PETULA You know he goes around beating up ten-year-old kids? DEL I heard all about it. Some little bugger gave him lip. PETULA The bastard dumped my brother in a skip, he came home covered from head to foot in stinking shite. DEL That's exactly why I banned him. We don't hold with grown men picking on kids, even if they are little gobshites. Del Galway brought disrespect to our dojo. He's out. Permanently. PETULA Oh. Well. That's good. Because he's a wanker. DEL Total wanker. I'm Frank by the way. Frank... Reynard. Del offers his hand. Petula hesitates, unsure. Then she takes it. PETULA Petula. Del holds her hand and stares at her for long seconds. Finally Petula pulls her hand free. PETULA Well, if that wanker Galway's not here... DEL It was nice. Meeting you. PETULA Frank. You're the instructor here, aren't you? DEL I am. I'm the instructor. The sensei. Of the dojo. Frank Reynard. Foxy Frank they call me. Reynard, it's French. For fox. PETULA What happened to your face? DEL It's self-inficted. I spar with heavy equipment. The great martial arts philosopher Bruce Lee once said, "A piece of wood doesn't hit back." Except mine does. I hit it, and it hits me. I'm training my body to accept pain. PETULA So... how's that working out? DEL Very good actually. I don't feel any of this. Sammy enters and looks from Del to Petula, curious. PETULA Right, I'll... cheerio. Sammy holds the door open for Petula, she exits. SAMMY Who's that? DEL She says she's Petula. SAMMY She looks peculiar to me. I bet she's got a knife tucked down her pants. DEL That just means she's prepared... to eat fruit. SAMMY She dinged your bell, didn't she? Bit of rough. Hasn't washed her minge in days. Throw you on the floor and sit on your face. Just your type. DEL She came nowhere near my bell. Or my face. And please don't talk so crudely about a lady's private bits, I'm easily offended. Frank comes out of the showers. Del quickly puts Frank's black belt back on his folded uniform. DEL Just keeping it dry for you, boss. FRANK Naff off. DEL Naffing off, boss. Del puts on his anorac and exits with Sammy. INT. CROWDED PUB - NIGHT Del and Sammy drink pints of lager at the bar, Del's well oiled, Sammy's not far behind. Del spies a PEROXIDE BLONDE sitting further along the bar, apparently alone. She looks good from a distance. Del points her out to Sammy. DEL Look at the arse on that. SAMMY I bet it's rubbed against a few walls in its time. DEL Do you dare me? SAMMY Do I dare you what? No, no, no. She'd eat you for breakfast. DEL That's the idea. After she eats me for supper, and has a couple of midnight snacks. Then breakfast. Do you know a man's essence is filled with vitamins? SAMMY Don't put me off my pint. DEL It's good for the complexion. Makes a woman's skin glow. You can tell them that like it. Her for instance. It's written over her forehead. SAMMY What, "I Want Del's Sperm"? DEL Yeah. Underneath it's got, "Gallons of it." SAMMY You'd need to nail a plank to your arse in case you fell in. Thunderbirds would have to get you back out. DEL Wish me luck. SAMMY I'll give you three days. Then I'm calling International Rescue. Del shuffles along the bar, making a casual approach to the Blonde. In DelVision (tm) she looks fantastic. In real vision she's old enough to be his great-aunt, and she's known lots of sailors. DEL Hello gorgeous. Have I seen you in here before? BLONDE I stop by sometimes. DEL I come here too, if you know what I mean. BLONDE I like a man with an anorac. You don't see many nowadays. DEL I'll keep it on if you like. BLONDE Oh dear, my glass seems to be empty. DEL That's the last time you'll say that tonight. Del waves to attract the BARMAID's attention, she's a stunner, but in DelVision she's so blurred he can't tell. DEL Get your lazy arse over here and give this lady a drink. What'll you have, love? BLONDE Double vodka and tonic, lots of ice. DEL Slow down, say that again, you lost me. Ice. BARMAID Dee vee and tee, got it. What about you, Romeo? And if you say "arse" again I'll bar you. DEL I'll have a pint of curry. And you can take it out of this, my good woman. Del scoops piles of change out of his anorac pockets, littering the counter with coins, some spill onto the floor, everyone in the bar turns and looks. The embarrased Blonde sneaks off her stool and loses herself in the crowd. Del looks round, realizes she's gone. DEL Bugger it, give us two pints of lager instead. The Barmaid goes to get the drinks, Sammy approaches and pats Del consolingly on the shoulder. SAMMY Bad luck mate, never mind. Del puts his head down on the counter and weeps. DEL Oh God. She could have been the one. And I missed my chance. Where am I going to find another woman like her? SAMMY We could go home through the cemetery if you like. DEL Sometimes I think I'm doomed to spend my life alone. SAMMY No, listen, they do wonderful things with dolls these days. The faces look dead realistic. I know a bloke, he fills his up with hot water. Says she keeps him warm as toast all night. The Barmaid brings two pints, Del jerks upright with a couple of coins stuck to his face, his woes forgotten. DEL Cheers Sammy. SAMMY Cheers Del. The Barmaid glares at Del as she picks up enough change to pay for the drinks. Del peels a coin off his face and slides it across. DEL This is for you love. Buy yourself a dry pair of knickers. The Barmaid goes the cash register and rings it up. SAMMY What about her? DEL Jesus Sammy, I've got my pride you know. SAMMY Sorry I asked. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE PUB - NIGHT Del and Sammy stagger out, four sheets to the wind. Arms around each other's shoulders they wander along the street. DEL Her back there... Blondie... she didn't understand me. That was the problem. SAMMY How could she? You're a complicated man. DEL She didn't even say goodbye. The slag. SAMMY Maybe she couldn't find the words. DEL How hard is it to say goodbye? Good. Bye. String them together. SAMMY Never mind. Her crap taste in men is my good fortune. DEL Thank you Sammy, it's kind of you to say so. I'm filling up here, I am. We must go now to the temple of curry, and there we must worship. SAMMY Ugh. If I eat another curry I'll throw up. DEL It's hard to believe. You're Indian, from the country of the Indians, but you fail to understand the metaffff... the metaphysical relationship between curry and lager. It's like, it's like tuna and mayonnaise. You ever eaten a whole jar of mayonnaise, just on its own, with a spoon? SAMMY What mad bastard would eat a jar of mayo? DEL I was young. I was wild. I was hungry. I've never been so sick in my life. But, here's the thing. You mix mayonnaise with tuna... correct proportions, mind, not too thick, not too thin... and put it on stale white bread... you have sandwiches to die for. Why is that? Why do some things just go together? It's one of life's mysteries. Me, I'm a can of tuna. Sitting on the shelf in some shop, waiting for a jar of mayonnaise to come along. SAMMY You're more like ten pints of lager waiting for a curry. DEL Thank you. I knew there was a point to this. SAMMY Know what I fancy? Pie and chips with lashings of brown sauce. DEL Then that is what you shall have. Tonight we eat like kings. They come across a TEEN GIRL hopelessly pulling at her BOYFRIEND who sits with his back against a wall and his head bowed, the victim of a serious drinking binge. The Teen Girl notices Del's white trousers. TEEN GIRL Are you a doctor? DEL I could have been. TEEN GIRL Can you help me get him up? Del kicks the Boyfriend's leg. DEL Get up you drunk bastard. The Boyfriend stirs. Between the three of them they heave him to his feet. TEEN GIRL You're wonderful, you know that? DEL I'm a can of tuna. It's my job. Del and Sammy stagger one way, the Teen Girl and her Boyfriend stagger the other way. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHIP SHOP - NIGHT Del and Sammy arrive. There's a handful of customers inside. DEL Don't forget the brown sauce. SAMMY Lashings of it. DEL Right. I'll see you round the corner. SAMMY Aren't you going to wait for me? DEL To be perfectly honest, I need to take a piss. SAMMY You're shy. It's 'cause you've only got a little one, isn't it? Sammy wiggles his pinky. DEL No, it's 'cause I don't want to piss over your legs. SAMMY You're always thinking of me. That's what makes you a good mate. Sammy heads into the chip shop. Del staggers off. EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT Del undoes his trouser string, gets out Little Del and pisses against the wall. He closes his eyes and sighs with relief as steam rises around him. EXT. CHIP SHOP ENTRANCE - NIGHT Sammy steps aside to allow THREE CUSTOMERS to exit. There's slight body contact, hardly worth mentioning. SAMMY Sorry mate. If Sammy was to look up he'd see Big Tommy sneering down at him but he's too pissed. EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT SHOUTING and CURSING snaps Del out of his trance. He fumbles to tie his trousers as he stumbles out of the alley. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHIP SHOP - NIGHT Three yobs are kicking the shit out of Sammy who lies on the ground curled up, trying to protect himself. Big Tommy's one of them but his back's to Del. Del sees what's happening and stops dead. Torn between helping his mate and doing a runner. The yobs run off, laughing. Sammy isn't moving. INT. HOSPITAL WAITING AREA - NIGHT Del sits with his head in his hands, worried out of his mind. A NURSE arrives. NURSE Are you with Samir Rashat? DEL Yeah. He's my twin brother. NURSE Doctor says you can see him now. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT Sammy lies in bed, bandages round his hands, a cotton pad taped over one eye. His other eye is closed as if he's asleep. Del freezes in the doorway. He takes a deep breath. He turns away to leave, but Sammy's eye opens. SAMMY Del? DEL I'm here Sammy. Del pulls up a chair and sits. He's gutted by the state Sammy's in. SAMMY Tell my mum not to worry. DEL Okay. SAMMY Did you get your curry? DEL No I bloody well didn't, you slag. SAMMY Sorry mate. DEL That's one you owe me. SAMMY It was surreal. I was trying to block them but... everything was in slow motion. They just kept kicking me. I'm gonna go to sleep now. DEL I'll drop by tomorrow. SAMMY Okay. See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya. Sammy closes his eye and goes to sleep. Del sits watching him. He looks away and wipes his eyes with his anorac sleeve. EXT. INDIAN RESTAURANT & TAKE AWAY - DAY Sandwiched between a laundromat and an Oxfam shop. INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT - DAY The door chime dings as Del enters, it's too early for customers, SAMMY'S MOTHER is vacuuming the carpet. She doesn't stop, Del has to shout above the noise. DEL How do Mrs. Rashat, how's our boy? SAMMY'S MOTHER He looks like shit. DEL Okay if I go up and see him? SAMMY'S MOTHER I suppose if you must. See if you can make him eat something. DEL I'll try, but you know how fussy he is. SAMMY'S MOTHER That's because he hangs around with bad influences like you. DEL Yes, yes he does, for which I cannot apologize enough. Del goes through the back and upstairs. INT. SAMMY'S BEDROOM - DAY Sammy's sitting up in bed, looking better, wearing an eye patch, no bandages on his hands. Del opens the door and sticks his head in. DEL Stop wanking immediately. SAMMY Del, you've got to get me out of here, she's driving me barmy. She's up every five minutes trying to get me to mainline on curry powder. DEL Your saviour has arrived. Del takes a packet of chicken mayo sandwiches from his anorac pocket and tosses it to Sammy, who tries to catch it but fumbles. DEL Sorry. How's the hands? SAMMY Not bad. Knuckles are bruised, that's all. Do us a favour will you? Sammy offers the sandwich packet to Del. Del sits on the bed, tears the packet open and gives Sammy a sandwich. Sammy eats with gusto. SAMMY Thanks mate. Del tries to hide how much this affects him. He takes a folded nudie magazine from inside his anorac. DEL Thought you might need this. Sammy gives him a wary look. DEL It's clean. I haven't used it. They're all virgins. SAMMY Great. Sammy slips the magazine under the sheets. DEL I looked for one with Indian virgins but I couldn't find any. SAMMY Neither can my mum, thank God. Though it's not for want of trying. So how's it going? DEL Can't complain. SAMMY What are you up to? DEL This and that. SAMMY Sitting on your fat arse all day watching telly. DEL I'm sorry, don't you like your sandwiches? SAMMY They're delicious. Wonderful. Got anything to drink? Del produces an orange juice pouch and sticks the sharp plastic straw into it. He gives it to Sammy who takes a long suck. SAMMY I love you, in a fully-clothed manly man way. DEL I should think so too. Your mum was almost nice to me, what's that all about? SAMMY I said you'd help with the home deliveries till I'm feeling better. DEL What's in it for me? SAMMY She knows you like a curry. She's prepared to offer you our famous "all you can eat" deal. DEL Whoa! When "all you can eat" goes head to head with Del "fat bastard" Galway, only one can survive. SAMMY I warned her it could make a dent in the profits. She said she'd risk it. You up for it then? Del steers an imaginary steering wheel. DEL Do I get to drive the van, mister? INT. DELIVERY VAN (MOVING) - CITY STREETS - NIGHT Del drives to stirring Robocop-like music. EXT. FRONT DOOR - HOUSE - NIGHT Del knocks on the door, a MAN comes out, he carefully counts coins into Del's hand. The Man goes inside with his take away and slams the door. DEL No tip, then? EXT. FLATS SECURITY ENTRANCE - NIGHT Del leans down to talk into an intercom. DEL Your delicious curry is here. The door buzzer sounds, Del enters. EXT. FRONT DOOR - HOUSE #2 - NIGHT Del rings the doorbell. A huge dog BARKS inside. MAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Get back, Satan! Get back! Bloody bastard dog! The BARKING becomes louder as the letter box opens and fingers come through offering money. MAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Just leave the bags on the door handle, son! Keep the change! DEL Right you are mate! Del takes the money, hooks the bags over the handle, and runs for it. EXT. INDIAN RESTAURANT & TAKE AWAY - DAY The delivery van pulls up. INT. INDIAN TAKE AWAY - DAY Del lifts a big plastic cool box onto the counter. DEL That's me back, Mrs. Rashat. SAMMY'S MOTHER Did you enjoy your nap? Del hands her a wad of notes and a bag of change. DEL To be fair, Mrs. Rashat, six deliveries in thirty minutes is fair do's. SAMMY'S MOTHER Samir would have done twice as many in half the time. DEL He's a son to be proud of and no mistake. Del watches as she fills the cool box with numbered styrofoam containers and tubs, then lifts a dozen carrier bags with pita bread and crackers and stuff, all numbered, onto the counter. DEL How many is that?! SAMMY'S MOTHER I'll give you a clue, this one says "fifteen." She gives Del a sheet of paper. SAMMY'S MOTHER Here's the addresses. Don't get them mixed up, and don't get lost. DEL I'll try not to. No guarantees. All those streets join up and go round and round. Bloody hell, not a tower block. SAMMY'S MOTHER Use the lift. DEL People pee in those things you know. SAMMY'S MOTHER Don't use the lift then. You could do with the exercise. DEL Thank you. She holds the door open, Del exits laden like a packhorse. EXT. TOWER BLOCK - NIGHT The delivery van pulls up at the entrance. INT. TOWER BLOCK ENTRANCE AND LIFTS - NIGHT Del enters with a take away bag. He sees a hand-written sign taped to the lift door, "LIFT OUT OF ORDER" Del rolls his eyes and groans. He heads for the stairs. INT. TOWER BLOCK - STAIRWAY - NIGHT Del staggers upstairs, sweating and gasping for breath. INT. TOWER BLOCK LANDING / HALLWAY - NIGHT Del leans on the rail, catching his breath. He opens the landing door. A WOMAN with her young BOY are just leaving their flat. DEL Is this the seventh floor? WOMAN IN FLATS Fifth. DEL Thanks. Del struggles up the next flight of stairs. The Woman and Boy watch, fascinated. WOMAN IN FLATS Did you stick that bloody sign on the lift doors again? BOY IN FLATS Yeah. She smacks his head. They walk to the lift door. She presses the down arrow. DING, the door slides open, the lift is working OK. INT. TOWER BLOCK - HALLWAY - NIGHT Del leans against the wall, trying to get his breath back. He knocks on a door. A gorgeous woman, NATASHA, 40s, wearing a silk gown and made up like a dish of fish, answers. Del straightens, trying to impress. DEL Well... hello there. Somebody order a curry then? NATASHA Where's Sammy? DEL Enjoying a long ocean voyage. NATASHA Oh. I didn't know Sammy liked cruises. DEL It's his Viking blood, it calls to him from across the sea. NATASHA So you're doing his deliveries. DEL Just till he sails back to port. NATASHA Well, thanks very much. She takes the bag from Del and goes to close the door. DEL Excuse me. I realize it's rude to speak of such lowly matters as money, but that's fourteen-thirty, s'il vous plait. NATASHA Sorry? DEL As in fourteen pounds and thirty pence. Including delivery. NATASHA Well here's the thing... She looks up and down the hallway as if afraid someone might hear. NATASHA Sammy and me, we have sort of an arrangement, you could say. DEL Do go on. NATASHA It's a personal arrangement. If you see what I mean. DEL I'm beginning to. NATASHA I don't usually order on Tuesdays. But me old man's caught a double shift. And I thought Sammy might... you know... DEL That crafty beggar. He never said a word. NATASHA Sammy knows how to keep a secret. I'm hoping you do, too. DEL My lips are sealed. NATASHA Just between the two of us then. DEL Absolutely. NATASHA It gets lonely up here, you know. When I'm all on my own. DEL Funny that, isn't it? We live in a city filled with a seething mass of humanity, yet inevitably we become isolated and lonely, each of us in our own little castle. NATASHA You understand. DEL Yes, yes I do. More than you might think. NATASHA I don't want to appear forward or anything. Her gown slides open, she reveals a gleaming shapely leg. DEL I see you wax regularly. NATASHA Maybe you'd like to come in and share my curry with me? DEL Nothing I'd like better, love. There's just the little problem of Sammy's mum bending me over and pulling fourteen pounds thirty out of my arsehole. I go back there and the cash doesn't tally, it's more than my life's worth. She pulls her gown shut. NATASHA Oh. Well. If that's how you feel. Wait here, I'll get my purse. She goes inside leaving the door open. Del looks to the heavens and groans. INT. DELIVERY VAN (MOVING) - CITY STREETS - NIGHT Del drives while glancing at the address list and looking at street signs. EXT. TERRACE STREET - NIGHT The delivery van pulls in. Del climbs out with two bags. EXT. FRONT DOOR - TERRACE HOUSE - NIGHT Del knocks on the door. The hall light comes on inside. Andy, the kid Del dumped in the skip, opens the door. Quick as a flash Del lifts the carrier bags to hide his face, and puts on a voice. DEL Take away, that's nineteen-ninety. Andy takes the bags without looking, turns and shouts into the house. ANDY Petula! Money for the take away! PETULA (O.S.) It's on the hall table! Andy goes to the table, picks up two tenners, hands them to Del who hides his face in shadow. ANDY Nineteen-ninety, here's twenty quid, you can keep the change. Andy closes the door. Del can't believe it, he lets out a huge sigh of relief. INT. TERRACE HOUSE HALLWAY - NIGHT Andy walks away from the front door. He stops in mid-step and goes wide-eyed as realization hits him. IT'S HIM! EXT. TERRACE STREET - DELIVERY VAN - NIGHT Del scrambles into the driver's seat and floors it, zooming away in a cloud of exhaust fumes. EXT. FRONT DOOR - TERRACE HOUSE - NIGHT Andy and Petula lean out and look up and down the street. PETULA Bollocks, you're having me on. ANDY I'm telling you it was him! PETULA'S DAD (O.S.) Where's my bloody vindaloo? I'm starving here! PETULA Coming, dad! Petula goes inside. Andy frowns and shuts the door. EXT. INDIAN RESTAURANT & TAKE AWAY - NIGHT The delivery van sits outside. INT. INDIAN TAKE AWAY - NIGHT Del enters. DEL I'm back Mrs. Rashat. SAMMY'S MOTHER Oh my prayers have been answered. Del hands her the cash and the empty cool box. SAMMY'S MOTHER People must know you're doing the deliveries, they've stopped calling. DEL That's a bit unfair. SAMMY'S MOTHER It gets like that sometimes. The lull before the monsoon. Then the phone rings and we're swamped. Take it easy while you can. DEL Okay if I go up and talk to Sammy? SAMMY'S MOTHER Yeah why not. But don't bother him if he's tired. What's that in your coat pocket? DEL Sandwich, in case I get hungry. Don't want to eat the take aways, do I? SAMMY'S MOTHER Very sensible. Last thing you'd ever do. INT. SAMMY'S BEDROOM - DAY Sammy's sitting up in bed watching T.V. Del knocks the door and looks in. DEL How's the invalid? SAMMY I'm okay. Bit hungry. Del takes out his "sandwich" -- a thick bundle wrapped in paper. Sammy grins and unwraps it, it's a fish supper. He gets tucked in. SAMMY Marry me, Del. Have my babies. DEL I shudder to think what they'd look like. What's that Star Trek episode, the aliens are white on one side of their face and black on the other? SAMMY Yeah I remember that, whoever was white on the left side was the dominatrix. The other one was his bitch. I've got the digitally remastered DVD, you can't see their girdles any more. DEL Blasphemy. SAMMY I wanted to be the first Indian crew member, but they brought in that bald bird. DEL Her with the mental orgasms. She gave the crew their daily screw upon the kitchen table. SAMMY I would have ended up a red shirt anyway. Ten seconds in front of the camera before some alien ripped me up for arse paper. You know, I've had some fish suppers in my time but this one wins prizes. DEL I kept it warm on the way here by farting like a wind tunnel. SAMMY Now that you mention it, I am tasting cheese and onion. Brilliant. DEL So who's this bit of crumpet on the seventh floor of Gladstone Towers? Sammy coughs and splutters. Del takes a beer can from his pocket and pulls the ring, gives it to Sammy who drinks gratefully. SAMMY Bastard. Trying to kill me. DEL I just asked a simple question. Seemed like a nice girl. Very disappointed when she opened the door and saw me standing there. SAMMY She doesn't order on Tuesdays. DEL Said something about her old man pulling a double shift. SAMMY Buggeration. DEL Never mind, she's got a curry to keep her warm. And don't worry, I'm saying nowt. SAMMY'S MOTHER (entering) Saying nowt about what? Samir, what are you eating? SAMMY Del offered me a chip, that's all. Sammy passes the fish supper back to Del. SAMMY'S MOTHER Fish and chips! I'll never get that stink out of the house! DEL Sorry Mrs. Rashat. SAMMY'S MOTHER So you should be. You'll be happy to know the takings add up. DEL You know, I thought about doing a runner and living the high life in Spain. But only for a moment. SAMMY'S MOTHER I would hunt you down like a dog. DEL No more than I'd deserve. SAMMY'S MOTHER If that's beer you're drinking I'm going to be very disappointed. DEL Non-alcoholic, Mrs. Rashat. SAMMY'S MOTHER Open the window, I don't want that fish smell clinging to the curtains. She exits. Del rolls his eyes and pretends to faint. SAMMY She gone? Del listens at the door. DEL Yeah. Sammy grabs the fish supper and eats. DEL How long's it been going on for? SAMMY A while. DEL Were you planning on telling me? SAMMY I wanted to. One wrong word could bring the wrath of God down on my head. She's got ears like an elephant. DEL Is it serious? SAMMY It is for me. DEL So how does that work? She divorces her old man, moves in with you? SAMMY I haven't worked out the details yet. I thought we'd get a flat somewhere. DEL You're welcome to stay at mine. SAMMY You live in a cupboard. DEL It's not too bad, as long as you don't mind sleeping standing up. SAMMY Thanks, but we need our own place. DEL Has she said yes? SAMMY I haven't asked yet. You think she will? DEL A lifetime supply of curries could swing it. SAMMY You don't think she will. DEL I don't think anything yet, I only found out about her tonight. We exchanged six words, three of which were, "Here's your curry." You never know, it might work out. SAMMY I've seen films like this before. I laughed at them. The son who falls in love with the older married woman. The disapproving mother. They always end in tragedy. DEL At least there's lots of singing and dancing along the way. SAMMY I've been saving. DEL Go on, show us your jam jar full of pennies. SAMMY I was thinking about buying a ring. DEL Bloody hell. So this dolly bird means something to you. SAMMY She's not a dolly bird, her name's Natasha and if you say anything I'll stick this dead fish down your throat. DEL Natasha. What a lovely name. She's not a Russian mail order bride is she? No, wait, I'm kidding! I think. Is she? SAMMY No. DEL So what do you know about her old man, besides him working shifts? SAMMY They've been married five years and he doesn't understand her. DEL That goes without saying. What I want to know is, is the bugger twice your size and can he punch your lights out? SAMMY I'd like to see him try. DEL I'm glad you said that, he's waiting outside with a couple of his mates, very keen to meet you. Which is my funny-ha-ha way of saying, what if he finds out you're sniffing round his missus? SAMMY By the time he catches on, it'll be too late. DEL I'm only going to say this once. Are you one hundred percent sure you're not off your flaming rocker? SAMMY I'm not asking for your bloody approval. DEL That's tough shit because I approve of everything you do, Sammy. You remember when I first got here? I was seven years old, scared out of my wits, didn't know anyone. That old witch of a teacher dragged me into the classroom and plonked me down in the back row beside this coloured lad with big white teeth who said, "You can share my book if you like, I'm Sammy." SAMMY You sure that was me? DEL 'Course I'm bloody sure. It's imprinted right here in my head. I'll never forget that day. Everyone looked at me as if I had antlers. But you didn't. You extended the hand of unconditional friendship, and asked for nothing in return. It's been the same ever since. Mates. Blood brothers. SAMMY I had my eye on your Kit-Kat. DEL Bastard. Our friendship is built on lies and deception. We're finished, you hear me, finished. SAMMY So you're not getting on at me? DEL Sammy my boy, if you've got your sights set on Natasha, that's okay by me. Just, you know, watch what you're doing. Try not to get too involved. Until you know for sure. SAMMY You're a sack of wriggling optimism, you are. You know what, I'm feeling better. It's that fish supper. It's built me up. DEL No you can't go and see her. She'll be farting curry gas all night anyway. SAMMY Nah, I'll just hang about downstairs, see if I can help. SAMMY'S MOTHER (entering) You're staying in your bed until I say you can get up. Del, some more deliveries ready to go. DEL Be right with you, Mrs. Rashat. She exits. DEL Bloody hell, does that woman ever knock? SAMMY'S MOTHER (O.S.) I heard that. DEL I think it's wonderful that you care so much, Mrs. R. SAMMY'S MOTHER (O.S.) Just open that bloody window, will you? SAMMY Like an elephant. INT. LOCKER ROOM / SHOWER ROOM - DAY Del is hanging up his anorac when Frank enters. Frank opens a locker and undresses, changing into his uniform. FRANK How's Sammy? DEL Well on the mend. I think he'd be here tonight if his mum didn't have him chained to his bed. FRANK You see who it was that gave him a doing? DEL I got there just as they ran off. Didn't see their faces. FRANK Both of you were pissed out your heads, I take it? DEL We'd had a couple. FRANK A couple. You were so rat-arsed you couldn't help your mate when he was jumped by yobs. DEL You know what? You can naff off. FRANK Say that again. DEL Which part did you miss? "You know what" or "You can naff off"? FRANK Are you looking for another sparring match, Galway? 'Cause I'm ready for a rematch any time. DEL Is that why you started this dojo up, Frank? So you can slap fat bastards around and make yourself look hard as nails? If it makes you feel better, stick one on me. Go on, take your best shot. FRANK Christ Galway, is there something wrong with your head? DEL Sammy got a beating and I didn't. That pisses you off, doesn't it? FRANK I didn't say that. DEL But you're thinking it. FRANK It pisses me off that you got Sammy so drunk he couldn't handle himself. DEL Yeah that's right, I forced drink down his throat. FRANK Stop talking bollocks. Just get out there and start warming up. Del exits. Frank slams his locker door shut and shakes his head. INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY Frank kneels facing the line of kneeling students. He bows to the students and they bow back. Frank stands with feet apart and hands on hips, rotating his hips. The students copy his movements. Frank does knee-ups, raising one knee then the other as high as his chest. The students try to copy him but most can hardly raise their knees above their waists. Del goes at it like a madman, throwing his knees up higher and higher. Frank does press-ups on his knuckles. The students have trouble copying him, some just can't do it and flop onto the floor. Del's sweating like a bastard but he bares his teeth as he struggles to complete each press-up with shaking arms. Frank sits on the floor bending forward over his outstretched leg, grabbing his own foot. Most of the students struggle to reach below their knees. Del forces himself further forward... he blinks sweat out of his eyes... stretches past his knee... inch by agonizing inch... determined to reach his foot. The students stand at attention, breathing hard, sweating, knackered. Frank walks up and down, inspecting them. FRANK Some nutter walks up to you in the street and punches you. You'll be shitting yourself so much you'll feel just like you do now. Tired. Trembling. Weak. Frank reaches Del and throws a punch, stopping his fist an inch from Del's face. Del doesn't even blink, he stares at Frank with cold eyes. Frank frowns and steps back. FRANK You must learn to react to danger despite how you feel, regardless of what you're thinking. I'm here to train your reactions so they become automatic. Three double punches. Frank and the students punch together, left-right, left-right, left-right. FRANK Again! Left-right, left-right, left-right. FRANK Again, faster, more power! Left-right, left-right, left-right. Del puts everything he has into it, grunting with each punch. FRANK Someone's had his Wheatabix. Forget it, Galway. You think a sudden spurt is going to make me put your name forward for the area championships, you're living in a dream world. Double punch, front kick, side kick combination! The students obey, Frank retreats before them, watching everyone. Del punches left-right, front kicks, then twists his body to deliver a side kick, but slips and falls on his arse. The other students snigger. Del, lying on the floor, stares into space. But his eyes are hard, filled with cold determination. 9/07
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