Short screenplay from the Done Deal "March Madness" contest,
March 2009.
"The Test"
FADE IN:
EXT. BAR - NIGHT
The kind of dive you'd want to leave the moment you stepped
inside, 'cause you got sense. Populated by NAZI BIKERS who'd
slit your throat just for fun.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Biker conversation consists of acting out violent moves,
like "Here's how I punched him in the nuts" and "Here's how
I shot him in the head" -- they howl with laughter as they
slap each other's backs and smash beer bottles over each
other's heads.
The door opens and TURK enters. Conversation stops, the
Bikers stare at him. Turk looks like one of them, with the
leathers and the black Kraut helmet. But the Bikers glance
at each other, suspicious.
Turk cool-struts up to the bar. The big, ugly, scar-faced
BARKEEP leans forward menacingly.
TURK
H-hello. May I have a beer, please?
PIGFACE NAZI BIKER
It's a cop!
TURK
No I'm not! I'm not a cop! I'm a
biker!
A gold badge clatters on the floor between Turk's feet.
TURK
That's not mine.
Like a wall of leather, Nazi Bikers slowly rise and advance
on Turk. Turk frantically looks around -- the exit's already
blocked. The Barkeep picks up a baseball bat with six-inch
nails driven through it and grins as he taps it against his
own palm in anticipation, drawing blood. The Bikers wield
lengths of heavy chain, big hunting knives, broken bottles.
Turk turns and runs into the men's room, whose symbol is a
biker pissing on a whore lying on her back. The door slams
shut behind him. The Nazi Bikers stop. They look at each
other. They smile.
INT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT
Turk stands panting, expecting the door to burst open. It
doesn't.
Turk looks around, sees a high window. He jumps up, grabs
the window ledge and tries to pull himself up. His boots
fail to find purchase. He lets go and drops, defeated.
He backs away the length of the room, and takes a run at the
wall. He leaps! He grabs! His legs "run" against the wall
as he tries to push himself higher. Nope, can't make it.
He lets go and drops, exhausted.
Turk talks into his jacket sleeve (he's wired).
TURK
Wild Turkey to Cougar's Lair. The
Turkey is blown. Repeat, the Turkey
is blown. Request extraction. Come
in, over. Is anyone there? Hello?
This is Wild Turkey. I'm trapped in
the men's room. Mayday, mayday.
Turn sticks fingers up his sleeve and pulls out a microphone
bud and a length of wire -- the wire is broken, exposing
copper. Turk's eyes widen. He's out of radio contact!
A toilet flushes. Turk slowly looks round. One of the stall
doors is closed. Inside the stall, a giant shadow moves.
Leather pants are pulled up. Enormous biker boots are visible
under the door. A nude slut magazine falls to the floor,
making a squelching noise.
Turk looks up. A Nazi helmet sticks up above the door.
Whoever's in there is frakkin gigantic.
The door opens. The King Kong of Nazi Bikers steps out,
buckling his pants. Turk backs into the corner, terrified.
King Kong Biker grins at him.
KING KONG BIKER
Hey, what am I doing?
He unbuckles and opens his pants. Turk stares in horror at
King Kong Biker's crotch.
KING KONG BIKER
We can do this the easy way, or the
hard way. The easy way is, you bend
over and I make you my bitch.
TURK
What's the hard way?
KING KONG BIKER
You don't bend over.
TURK
Oh God.
A giant hand slowly closes around Turk's head and drags him
out of shot.
INT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT
Looking at the closed stall door. Shadows move inside.
Rythmic pounding. Grunting noises. Whimpering noises.
EXT. BAR - NIGHT
Cop cars fill the street. Dozens of COPS cheer and clap as
Turk staggers out of the bar, looking like a guy who just
got turned inside-out by industrial drilling machinery.
VARIOUS COPS SHOUTING
Here's our boy!
He passed the test!
They did him good!
Ride 'em, cowboy!
Whoo-hoo!
You're one of us now!
A grinning Cop holds up a pair of wire cutters and mimicks
cutting.
TURK
Son of a bitch! You cut my radio
wire!
WISE SERGEANT COP moves to stand before Turk. He puts his
hand on Turk's shoulder.
WISE SERGEANT COP
Son, a rookie cop has to learn to
stand alone and overcome his fears.
Now you fear nothing and no one.
TURK
That is true.
The cheering Cops surround Turk, clapping him on the back.
EXT. CITY VISTA - NIGHT
A million lights twinkle with possibility.
FADE OUT:
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