Scriptment from the Done Deal Valentine's Day 2012 contest
"There's Something About Ursula"


FADE IN:

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

A wrought-iron sign, MORDANT CEMETERY, over stone pillars.

Camera moves through the sign, which busts apart, just like
in that old B/W movie made by that guy.

Tracking a WOMAN wearing a long coat who enters the cemetery.

Her high heels click on the slab path that winds between a
sea of tombstones.  She walks with a slow, measured step.

She's the only person in the cemetery.

Except for...

HIDING IN THE BUSHES

Just a pair of eyes visible, wide with fear, watching.

AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

The woman slows as she examines various tombstones.

IN THE BUSHES

A digital camera, held by shaky hands.

AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

Finally the woman stops at a particular grave, her back to
us.

IN THE BUSHES

The digital camera CLICKS

AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

The woman straightens -- turns her head -- looks over her
shoulder.  Her eyes narrow.  She heard it.

This is URSULA.  Possessing a cold beauty that might be
described as otherworldly, if the person doing the describing
was high on meth.

IN THE BUSHES

The photographer scrambles back, movements dictated by his
growing terror.  This is GRANT.  Doomed to forever be a nerd,
and probably a virgin too, until he dies alone in front of a
widescreen TV watching nude cheerleaders making love.

Grant gets up and runs away as if demons from Hell were
chasing him.  He clutches the digital camera to his chest.

AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

Ursula ignores the distraction and returns her attention to
the tombstone at which she stands.

She seems to address the tombstone... or whoever rests here.

                      URSULA
          Tell me everything you know.


EXT. TIPSY CAT RESTAURANT - DAY

It's morning so the place is empty of customers.

WILLIE, a young man of dubious dress sense, is with KITTY
the restaurant's owner.  Kitty is one of those women who
appear in movies who are witty, intelligent, and incredibly
attractive, yet somehow remain single.

Willie opens a ring box, showing Kitty the diamond ring
inside.  Kitty gasps, as women sometimes do when they see a
diamond ring.

                      KITTY
          Oh my God, it's beautiful.

                      WILLIE
          You think she'll like it?

                      KITTY
          I really do.

                      WILLIE
          The flowers, what if they wilt in
          the kitchen?  It's hot in there.

                      KITTY
          I'll keep 'em in the fridge.  Don't
          worry about it, everything's going
          to be fine.

                      WILLIE
          Sorry, just a little nervous.

                      KITTY
          I guess it's not every day you propose
          to someone.

                      WILLIE
          No, no it is not.

                      KITTY
          Are you sure about this girl, Willie?

                      WILLIE
          Sure I'm sure, why would you, why do
          you say that?

                      KITTY
          There's just something about her, I
          don't know.

                      WILLIE
          You know her?

                      KITTY
          Not personally, no.  I know of her.

                      WILLIE
          What does, you know "of" her, meaning
          what?

                      KITTY
          Just what people say.  Some people.

                      WILLIE
          Well what do some people say?  You
          can't just say something like that
          and let it go.  Are you telling me
          she's a slut?

                      KITTY
          No, I didn't say she's a slut.

                      WILLIE
          Just how many boyfriends has she
          had?  One?  Two?  Sixty-seven?

                      KITTY
          How should I know?  All I'm asking
          is, just how sure are you?  Any time
          you talk about her, you're vague.

                      WILLIE
          I'm not vague.

                      KITTY
          How long have you known her?

                      WILLIE
          God.  Why would you even ask that
          question?  I've known her, all my
          life, it seems.

                      KITTY
          You're right, you're not vague.
          It's gonna be fine.  All you have to
          do is turn up.  And make sure she
          turns up, too.

Willie's cell phone plays a dinky tune, Willie smiles an
apology to Kitty and fumbles to answer it.

                      WILLIE (INTO PHONE)
          Where the hell have you been?


INT. GRANT'S CAR, IN A PARKING LOT - DAY

Willie and Grant.  Willie fiddles with the digital camera,
thumbing through pictures on the LCD screen.

                      WILLIE
          You hid in the church all night?

                      GRANT
          I'm sorry, I'm not as strong as you.

                      WILLIE
          You're an atheist.

                      GRANT
          That doesn't mean I can't believe in
          God when I need him.

                      WILLIE
          You're sure it was her?

                      GRANT
          I waited for two hours, in the bushes,
          things crawled into my mouth, she
          was the only other person there.

                      WILLIE
          I'm not seeing her.

                      GRANT
          That's what I'm telling you.  She
          doesn't take pictures.

                      WILLIE
          Now you're just being stupid.

                      GRANT
          She's a ghoul, a creature of the
          night.

                      WILLIE
          Now you're being really stupid.

                      GRANT
          Am I?  AM I?  Why don't you ask her
          yourself?  Why am I crawling around
          in dirt taking pictures of tombstones?
          Why don't you just ASK HER, DAMMIT!

                      WILLIE
          I will.


INT. URSULA'S STUDIO - DAY

Chic, well furnished.  Ursula sits at a table facing
GRANDMOTHER (70s) and SKEPTICAL GRANDSON (30s).  Ursula deals
Tarot cards.  Every time she turns a card over she pauses
and seems to consider what it might mean.

                      GRANDMOTHER
          I hope you don't mind my grandson
          being here.  He insisted.

                      URSULA
          It doesn't affect me at all.  As
          long as you're comfortable with it.

                      SKEPTICAL GRANDSON
          I just wanted to make sure Grammy is
          getting value for money.  Since she
          seems to give you enough of it.

                      URSULA
          Perhaps you'd like me to demonstrate?

                      SKEPTICAL GRANDSON
          Oh, I really would like to see that.

                      URSULA
          I'm not reading for your grandmother,
          Mr. Hutchison.

                      SKEPTICAL GRANDSON
          What?

                      URSULA
          These cards are for you.  Would you
          like to know what they tell me?

                      SKEPTICAL GRANDSON
          Oh boy, yes.

                      URSULA
          Let's skip school and college, and
          the accountancy exam you cheated in.
          You've been married twice.  Both
          marriages ended in divorce.  You
          have no children, and never will
          have any.  You should get your sperm
          count checked.  Your career is about
          to take an unexpected turn.  They're
          going to find out about the missing
          funds.  Putting the account in your
          first wife's name, not clever enough.

                      SKEPTICAL GRANDSON
          WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

                      URSULA
          The cards never lie, Andy.  You've
          been a cheat and a liar and an abusive
          creep all your life.  Karma has caught
          up with you.

Skeptical Grandson angrily shoves his chair back and stands.
He glares down at Ursula, who meets his gaze calmly.  He
storms out, slamming the door.  His Grandmother flinches.

                      URSULA
          I'm sorry about that.

                      GRANDMOTHER
          It's me who should be apologizing.

Grandmother smiles and leans forward.

                      GRANDMOTHER
          Are there any new messages for me?

END OF PARTIAL SCRIPTMENT