Short screenplay from the Done Deal Valentine's Day 2015 contest. "With Love From Russia" FADE IN: Title: LONDON, ENGLAND INT. CLASSY RESTAURANT - NIGHT First person camera POV. A smiling MAITRE'D greets "us". MAITRE'D Let me show you to your table, sir. We follow him through the restaurant. INTIMATE COUPLES are seated at tables-for-two. Women look round, showing undisguised interest in us as we pass by their tables. The Maitre'D stops at a table where a beautiful redhead, ANA, is seated alone. She looks us up and down with interest. Finally the audience gets to see "us". Dashing, suave, exuding an air of casual danger, JAMEEL D'BOND, a cool black Englishman wearing a Tuxedo. D'BOND Is this seat taken? Ana smiles and invites him to please sit. He does. D'BOND The name's D'Bond. Jameel D'Bond. The Maitre'D offers him a menu, D'Bond waves it away. D'BOND I'll skip the starter and go straight for the sirloin steak, rare, fried in garlic butter with button mushrooms. And the lady will have... ANA I will have the same. She has a Russian accent, as most enemy spies do. D'BOND And an aged Cabernet Sauvignon, please. The Maitre'D departs. ANA I was afraid you would be a foppish vegetarian, like most Englishmen these days. D'BOND Never going to happen, I like my meat red. I must say you're not what I expected. ANA What did you expect? D'BOND A crusty old Russian with a tin leg. What happened to Oleg? ANA An unfortunate accident. Oleg fell out of a plane. Ana whistles and makes a dipping motion with her hand, big long fall. D'BOND That is unfortunate. So. Are you here to deal or to kill me? ANA It could go either way. D'BOND If you decide to kill me, I hope your weapon of choice is sex. ANA I had heard you have a certain reputation with the ladies, Mr. D'Bond. D'BOND You know how people exaggerate. But let's say I'm well equipped to handle most situations. The Maitre'D arrives with a wine bottle, he pours for D'Bond, who sips and nods approval. The Maitre'D fills their glasses and departs. D'BOND So here we are... Ekaterina Anastasia Voltovich... code name High Voltage. ANA I'm trying to put that nickname behind me. I think you know the man who gave it to me. Silas Tighter. D'BOND Good old Silas, the CIA's best. You killed him? ANA No, I turned him. He's one of our best now. D'BOND You must be very persuasive. ANA I tied him to a bed in a hotel room in Istanbul and whipped him with a riding crop for seven days. I would have stopped after three, but he begged me to continue. D'BOND I can understand why. D'Bond looks around at the other tables, all occupied by couples. D'BOND Good God... ANA Is something wrong? D'BOND I should have remembered. Ana is puzzled, she emotes "What?" and raises an eyebrow. D'BOND St. Valentine's Day. A silly custom. Lovers express their affection with flowers, expensive chocolates and greetings cards. And romantic dinners. ANA How decadent. In our line of business, we have no time for flowers and chocolates. Or love. D'BOND That's sadly true. ANA How much are you prepared to offer for the decoder device? D'BOND Well I don't have an actual figure, as such. Cutbacks, I'm afraid. My orders are to take it and kill anyone who tries to stop me. ANA You don't seriously think I brought it with me? D'Bond holds up his cheap budget cell phone. D'BOND I know it looks like an ordinary phone, but it can do all kinds of bloody useful things. ANA You mean like Google searches? D'BOND I mean like detecting the decoder device that's taped to the inside of your left thigh. Ana's eyes narrow into slits. Her hand comes up from underneath the table holding a small pistol. D'Bond thumbs his phone, it BUZZES. The pistol is plucked out of Ana's hand by powerful magnetism. It glues itself to his phone. She gapes, surprised. D'BOND And the pistol strapped to your right thigh. He slips the pistol into his jacket pocket. D'BOND What say we enjoy our steaks, then retire to your hotel room. ANA I suppose you intend to pump me for information? D'BOND That's exactly what I had in mind. ANA I look forward to it. SERVERS bring their steaks, because this is a goddamn movie, no one has time to wait around. INT. HOTEL LOBBY, ELEVATOR - NIGHT D'Bond and Ana arrive, D'Bond presses the button. They watch the elevator floor display change, 5, 4, 3... Ana bites her lip and looks nervous. D'BOND This is the bit where the doors open and your bodyguards are waiting for us, isn't it? ANA You could always just leave. They don't even have to know you were here. D'BOND No can do, I'm afraid. DING the elevator door opens, TWO BIG THUGS in cheap suits occupy the elevator. D'Bond escorts Ana into the elevator. They turn and face the closing door. The two thugs glare at D'Bond's back. INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT D'Bond casually watches the numbers change. Ana's eyes shift, she's expecting trouble any second now. D'BOND If anyone wants to get out now, just say the word. The two thugs reach for D'Bond, who-- --grabs an arm and twists it brutally so the elbow CRACKS and its owner SCREAMS. D'Bond drives him headlong into the elevator door, BAM. --kicks the other thug's knee, SNAPPING IT, and Karate chops him in the throat. D'Bond sweeps the thug's legs out from under him and STAMPS on his neck, CRACK. --grabs the first thug's head, presses his knee into his back, pulls his head back until, SNAP, the spine dislocates. The thug falls dead. D'Bond adjusts his bow tie. D'BOND I wish I'd ordered the hot chocolate fudge cake now. Ana eyes the dead men, who lie like bendy toys, unmoving. ANA Me too. INT. HOTEL HALLWAY, ELEVATOR - NIGHT The elevator door opens, D'Bond and Ana step out. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT D'Bond checks out the bathroom, the closets. Clear. Ana turns to face D'Bond. She puts one foot up on the table and reaches up under her skirt. A horrific RIPPING NOISE like Velcro being pulled apart makes D'Bond wince. Ana holds up a silver electronic device. ANA I believe this is what you're looking for. She puts the device on the table. D'BOND Thank you. D'Bond takes out his phone and uses it like a scanner to check out the hotel room walls. ANA What are you doing? D'BOND You wouldn't have given it up so easily. ANA That is absurd, you cannot seriously think I-- The phone BEEPS and D'Bond stops in front of a painting. He takes the painting off the wall, revealing A SAFE. He sticks an ear bud in his ear, connects the wire to his phone, holds the phone against the safe. He turns the dial, the combination numbers display on his phone. CLICK. The safe door opens. He reaches inside and pulls out the real decoder device. D'BOND You know what happens to naughty girls who lie, don't you? ANA No. What happens to them? D'Bond pulls off his bow tie. It's a quick release catch. His clothes fall off him. He's naked in one second. ANA Ah. She looks down at his equipment. Her eyes widen. OBLIGATORY SEX SCENE Quick, look away! Oh no, too late. They're naked on the bed, making love. Ana reaches her peak, her smile is wide and beautiful, she MOANS and GASPS with unadulterated pleasure. ANA Please... don't... stop. D'Bond watches her, and doesn't stop. LATER Ana lies panting, exhausted. D'Bond lies beside her, elbow on the bed, head resting on his hand. His fingers trace patterns across her sweat-lashed skin. She turns to him and looks into his eyes. ANA I never knew sex could be like that. D'BOND Like what? ANA So... unselfish. You never once thought about yourself. All you cared about was my pleasure. D'BOND You've been sleeping with the wrong men, love. ANA What happens now? Do you expect me to betray my superiors because you took me to Heaven and back? D'Bond gets up and quickly gets dressed. D'BOND I don't expect anything. You gave me the decoder. I thought it only fair that I give you something in return. ANA You're just going to leave me? D'Bond is fully dressed, he adjusts his bow tie in a mirror. D'BOND Don't look so surprised. You said it yourself. In our line of business we have no time for love. He tosses the decoder into the air and catches it. D'BOND I've got a bus to catch, they're waiting for this at H.Q. He winks and exits, closing the door behind him. Ana buries her face in the pillows and sobs pitifully. We pan down her naked body, noting every delicious curve and dimple. FADE TO BLACK THEN FADE IN AGAIN Title: PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC - EXACTLY ONE YEAR LATER INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Another restaurant, another table. D'Bond laughs and flirts with a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. She is really into him. And he's really into her. There's a slim glass flower vase on the table, containing a single rose. D'Bond slips a little box across the table. The woman opens the box. Inside, a gorgeous diamond ring. She looks at D'Bond with eyes full of love. He smiles. The vase glass TINKLES, the rose topples. D'Bond stares at the broken vase, uncertain. She looks down at the blood pooling in her cleavage. She looks up at D'Bond, confused. Her eyes roll and she topples sideways out of her chair, taking the table over with her. D'Bond cradles her on the floor and cries out to the heavens in anguish. D'BOND Noooooooooo! EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT Ana lowers her sniper rifle. ANA Happy Valentine's Day, Mr. D'Bond. We shall meet again, one day. CUE ROUSING THEME TUNE CLEVER CLOSING CREDITS AND HILARIOUS OUT-TAKES FADE OUT [end]

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