WE LOVE YOU, SPACE PRINCESS FADE IN: EXT. HIGHWAY ALONGSIDE CORN FIELD - DAY A car slows and pulls over into the side. INT. CAR - DAY At the wheel, CHARLIE WILLOUGHBY. Midlife, receding hairline, weary. He switches off the engine. Charlie leans forward and peers up at the sky, searching, searching. In the back seat, his sons, HEAD and LEGS, which is what Charlie calls them. Eight and five years old, respectively. HEAD Can you see her, Dad? Can you? LEGS I want Mom, where is she? CHARLIE Don't start. Just, give her some time. She said she'd be here. HEAD You always say that! CHARLIE She said she'd be here, okay? HEAD Okay. But Head looks away, disappointed, he does not believe. It should be noted that Head never takes his hands away from his head, as if he's holding it in place, stopping it from bursting open. Like it's a broken eggshell, waiting to come apart. LEGS I need to poop. CHARLIE Dammit, I told you to go before we left the house! LEGS I didn't need to poop then! CHARLIE Dammit. Charlie opens his door and climbs out. EXT. CAR AT SIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAY Charlie opens the back door and lifts Legs out, because Legs, bless him, can't walk. Charlie carries him around the car and goes down on one knee. He sits Legs on his other knee, pulling his britches down in a smooth motion. CHARLIE Okay that's you, l'il buddy, let 'er rip. LEGS I can't poop when you're watching! Charlie takes sunglasses out of his shirt pocket and puts them on. CHARLIE There, I can't see a thing now. LEGS You better not be peeking! CHARLIE I promise I won't. Legs strains and grunts. Charlie tries not to let his son see his disgusted expression. Head climbs out the car, he walks off a bit on his own, holding his head. He looks up at the sky. Searching, searching... A distant THUNDERCLAP BOOM is heard. Charlie looks up at the sky. Did he imagine that? HEAD I heard it, too! They all look up at the sky. Watching... hoping. Legs points at something up there! LEGS There! CHARLIE My God. Several seconds pass as they all look... HEAD It's not her, it's a plane. CHARLIE Dammit. LEGS You said "My God." Mrs. Langston says we shouldn't blaspheme. CHARLIE That's not blasphemy. Blasphemy is when you do something crappy and say it's God's will so you can get away with it. LEGS I'm going to tell Mrs. Langston you said that. CHARLIE Yeah that's what I'd expect a little sneak like you to do. They both laugh, but then Legs gets serious. LEGS Did you bring toilet paper? CHARLIE I... did not bring toilet paper. HEAD I can feel a change in air pressure! Charlie doesn't even question this. CHARLIE Is it a weather front? HEAD No. No I'm sure of it. It's more like-- But he stops talking, because there, above them, as if suspended on an invisible wire, is a woman, a vision of loveliness with a mane of shiny pink-blue hair that cascades down over the shiny silver body-fitting catsuit she wears. This vision... let's call her SPACE PRINCESS... descends regally and touches down on her shiny silver boot tip-toes. HEAD Mom! CHARLIE Thank God, thank God it is you. Head runs forward and thumps right into Space Princess, throwing his arms around her waist. She laughs and hugs him back. Charlie lifts Legs off his knee and puts him on the ground, far from his poop. CHARLIE Back in a second, champ. See if you can find some grass to wipe with. Charlie walks over to Space Princess. They stare at each other for a moment. Then embrace and kiss passionately. Head steps back, not wanting his head crushed. CHARLIE I hoped and prayed you'd come back. SPACE PRINCESS I told you I would, didn't I? CHARLIE No, the ghostly voice whispering to me from Alexa told me you would, I could hardly make out the words, never mind tell it was you. I thought I was going insane. SPACE PRINCESS Sorry, it was the only way I could get through to you without being intercepted. LEGS Mom! I'm here too! Space Princess smiles and detaches herself from Charlie. She goes over to Legs, crouches down and hugs him. LEGS I missed you so much, Mom. SPACE PRINCESS I missed you too, sweetie. I've been thinking about you. I have something here... Space Princess fishes inside her outfit and pulls out a pair of boots. How they fitted in there, no one knows. LEGS What's that? SPACE PRINCESS I asked some friends if they could help with your condition. Here, let me help you put them on. She puts the boots on Legs's feet. Legs's legs begin to shake violently. It scares him a little. LEGS What's happening?! CHARLIE Yeah what the hell's happening? Are you hurting him? SPACE PRINCESS Just wait. Legs braces himself and unsteadily gets up, standing on his own legs. He wobbles, but manages to stay upright. LEGS Dad! Look at me! I can walk! CHARLIE We see, son, we see. It's a miracle. Charlie looks at Space Princess. CHARLIE How could you not do this before? SPACE PRINCESS It didn't exist before. The greatest minds on the Galactic Science Council worked on it, because I asked them to. It took them years to develop. CHARLIE I suppose we ought to be grateful. SPACE PRINCESS No one's asking for gratitude. When I told them our children were mutants, they looked for solutions. CHARLIE "Mutants"? SPACE PRINCESS You know what I mean. Legs jumps around, delighted his legs are working. Head, watching this, frowns in disappointment. His brother is cured but he still has to hold his head to stop it from popping open! Space Princess walks over to Head. SPACE PRINCESS I have something for you, too. Somehow a helmet appears in her hands, it's a big dome with gold etching all over it like veins, and a weird third eye the size of a fist right in the middle. Gently, she puts it over Head's head. He hesitantly takes his hands away. HEAD It's containing the pressure! Head turns around, hands free for the first time in ages. HEAD My head isn't going to explode! Head and Legs skip around each other, deliriously happy. Space Princess returns to Charlie and they embrace again. CHARLIE Finally they can lead normal lives. Will they always have to wear them? SPACE PRINCESS I'm not sure. They're made of a nano-bio material that should repair their screwed-up mutant DNA. CHARLIE It'll do what? SPACE PRINCESS Charlie. You know that despite our physical similarities, you and I are different species. I should not have been able to procreate with you at all, but somehow these two miracles happened. CHARLIE Don't wear one, you said, I want to feel you gushing inside me, I can't come without it, you said. SPACE PRINCESS How was I to know? CHARLIE Then you did it a second time. SPACE PRINCESS You could have pulled out. CHARLIE And denied you the pleasure of my manly gushing? No way. Charlie looks at his sons, who are still dancing around. CHARLIE I don't suppose we could, you know? In the car? Just a quickie? Space Princess bites her lip and looks away. Charlie holds her at arm's length, stares at her. CHARLIE You're not staying, are you? SPACE PRINCESS Darling, you don't know what it's like out there. There's a terrible war being fought all over the galaxy and my people are part of it. If the darkness wins, uncountable trillions will perish. You're secluded here, hidden in your little backwater spiral arm. And that's how I want things to stay. But my place is out there, leading the crusade. My people need me. CHARLIE Yeah yeah, you told me already. But what about us? What about your family? We need you too. Space Princess looks at their sons, she emotes sadness. SPACE PRINCESS It's the toughest decision I'll ever have to make. Please don't make it even harder. They both turn to look as a black SUV screeches to a stop. Doors open and serious men in dark suits climb out. They show badges and draw guns. MAN IN BLACK FBI agents! Charles Willoughby, you are under arrest for harboring an alien being from another world, in contravention of international agreements. And you, whatever you are, don't even think about moving. CHARLIE Gotta be kidding me. Head steps forward and the gold etching in his helmet glows. The third eye emits a burst of energy that blinds us. Charlie shields his eyes. When he lowers his arm, the FBI agents are gone, no sign of them anywhere. Just gone. Head and Legs dance and laugh, that was hilarious! CHARLIE What just...? Something on Space Princess's catsuit belt goes BLEEP. SPACE PRINCESS Damn, I was hoping we would have more time. I'll call you again as soon as I can, promise. Take good care of the munchkins. She kisses him again. SPACE PRINCESS I love you, Charlie Willoughby. Space Princess closes her eyes and without any fuss she rises into the air, higher and higher, until she's gone. Charlie stares up at the sky. CHARLIE Me too. When he looks round, Legs is running through the corn field at full speed and Head is running after him, emitting energy bursts into the sky, laughing. CHARLIE Hoo boy. FADE OUT