Short from the Done Deal 2013 Christmas contest, an expanded
version of the original 5-pager from the 2005 Christmas contest!

"SNOW HARDER"

                        OVER BLACK

"Let It Snow" played by sleigh bells and cow bells.

                    TITLE:   SNOW HARDER

FADE IN:

EXT. NORTH POLE - DAY

Snow, snow, snow. A team of reindeer with bells on their
antlers pulls an enclosed cabin sled with oval windows
along the side.

At each window is the face of a jovial bearded ELF wearing
bright clothes and hats with bells.

One Elf, at the rearmost window, is smooth shaven, and
more serious than the others. He hugs a huge teddy bear.


INT. CABIN SLED - DAY

A center aisle with double seats on either side, like an
airplane. An ELF STEWARDESS serves drinks from a trolley.

The clean-shaven Elf, JONTY, sits beside a bearded fat
HAPPY ELF who won't shut up.

                       HAPPY ELF
           --just fills me with joy! The
           thing I always ask is, why can't
           we do this every day? Why is it
           only one day each year?

                       JONTY
           Maybe it wouldn't be special if we
           did it all the time.

                       HAPPY ELF
           Well, there is that, friend, you
           may have a point there, indeed you
           may. So what about you, are you
           going to Santaville to meet someone?
           Or are you hoping to strike it
           lucky with some cute little Elf,
           eh?

Jonty shifts in his seat and his jacket opens to reveal a
TOY GUN at his waist. Happy Elf's eyes widen in fear.
Jonty flashes a badge, a gold "Q" on a shield.

                      JONTY
          Relax. I'm a toy quality inspector.
          This is just a sample I carry with
          me at all times.

The Elf Stewardess offers them drinks. Jonty declines.
Happy Elf takes both drinks and throws them back.

                      HAPPY ELF
          Waste not, want not! That's what
          I always say! Is the teddy bear a
          sample too?

                      JONTY
          It's a present for my wife.

                      HAPPY ELF
          Well that surprises me, young
          feller. You don't look old enough,
          if I may say so, to be married, no
          you don't.

Jonty stares out the window at the snow.


EXT. CABIN SLED - DAY

The Elves disembark from the cabin sled.  Jonty squeezes
out carrying his big teddy bear.

                      ELF STEWARDESS
          Thank you for riding North Pole
          Sledways.


EXT. SANTAVILLA PLAZA - DAY

Hundreds of Elves going every which way. A BIG ELF
shoulders Jonty aside. Jonty snarls into his face. Big
Elf shrinks back in fear and runs off into the crowd.

                      JONTY
          Son of an Elf...

Passing Elves stop and stare in shock. Jonty lowers his
head with embarrassment and moves through the crowd.

Jonty sticks his fingers in his mouth and WHISTLES. A one-
reindeer taxi sled pulls up, Jonty climbs in the back.


INT. TAXI SLED - DAY

                      JONTY
          Sure is crowded out there.

                      ELF DRIVER
          Gets that way this time of year.

                      JONTY
          Guess it does. I'm here to see my
          wife. Well, she's not really my
          wife any more. Guess we stopped
          playing that charade a while back.
          Her name's Holly. I came all the
          way from Elf City. Hoping she'd
          talk to me.

                      ELF DRIVER
          Elf City, huh?

                      JONTY
          She works at the Santa Tower.

                      ELF DRIVER
          On my way, chief.


EXT. SANTA TOWER - DAY

A huge igloo dome, lights showing from hundreds of windows.
Rising out of the igloo roof is a skyscraper that goes all
the way up into the snow clouds.


INT. RECEPTION - SANTA TOWER - DAY

Jonty sits his teddy bear on the desk and grins at the
cute RECEPTIONIST.

                      JONTY
          Hi, I'm Jonty. I'm here to see
          Holly, she works in Gift Dispatch.
          Problem is, I don't know if she'll
          want to see me. We used to be
          married, once upon a time. Then
          she up and left me. Not for another
          Elf, if that's what you're thinking.

The Receptionist picks up a toy doggy phone and dials.

                      ELF RECEPTIONIST
          Holly, please. She has a visitor.


INT. ELEVATOR - DAY

Jonty watches the changing numbers. 27, 28, 29... He
runs his finger inside his collar, wipes sweat from his
brow, takes deep breaths. DING! 30th floor.


INT. GIFT DISPATCH - 30TH FLOOR - DAY

Dozens of Elves at desks talking into toy animal phones.

                      ELF #1
          Confirm sixty million teddy bears,
          assorted colors, must be ready by
          five o'clock tonight.

                      ELF #2
          Thirty million princess dolls with
          pink hair, forty with silver, fifty
          gold, must be dispatched by five
          o'clock tonight.

                      ELF #3
          We have a naughty child flag, she
          refuses to eat her greens. Give
          her a puppy but not the kind she
          asked for, must go by five o'clock
          tonight.

Jonty glances at a wall clock, it's 15 minutes to 5 o'clock.
BUDDY, a painfully jovial fast-talking Elf, grabs Jonty's
hand and pumps it.

                      BUDDY
          Put 'er there, pal! Name's Buddy,
          I work with Holly, she's some girl,
          color me surprised, I never knew
          she was married, and to an Elf
          from Elf City no less, wow! We're
          about to throw a little party and
          guess what, you're invited.

                      JONTY
          I'm not very good at parties.

                      BUDDY
          That's what Holly said! Just stick
          with me, pal, you'll be okay.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM PARTY - DAY

Dozens of ELVES help themselves to drinks from a pink punch
bowl. Jonty sees HOLLY across the room. Gorgeous, curly
red hair, she laughs at a joke told by an OLDER ELF. She
senses Jonty watching. Gives him a hesitant smile.

Buddy slips a pink glass into Jonty's hand.

                      JONTY
          No, I don't--

                      BUDDY
          Down the hatch, pal! Plenty more
          where that came from. Man, will
          you look at the skirt here? I
          gotta grab me some of that. Bottoms
          up!

Buddy wanders to talk to a cute ELF GIRL. Jonty makes his
way across the room. He abandons his drink on the table.

He's face to face with Holly. Undeniable attraction.  But
there's a barrier between them.

                      JONTY
          Hi.

                      HOLLY
          Hi. I can't believe you came all
          this way just to say hello.

                      JONTY
          I didn't. I mean, yes, I'd like
          to say hello. Hello. But that's
          not the only reason I came.

                      HOLLY
          Oh?

He gives her the big teddy bear.  She's embarrassed.

                      HOLLY
          It's... lovely.

                      JONTY
          I've been thinking. About us.
          I've been doing that a lot lately.

Behind Jonty, unnoticed by him, an ELF pushes a trolley
laden with giant teddy bears identical to the one Jonty
just gave to Holly.

                      JONTY
          Fact is, I never realized how big
          our little one-room cabin apartment
          is. Until you walked out on me.

                      HOLLY
          I didn't walk out on you, Jonty.
          I had a job offer. It meant a
          promotion, and doing something I
          really love. I asked you to come
          with me, remember?

                      JONTY
          Sure I do. But I'm not a Santaville
          kind of guy. I'm from Elf City.
          You know what they say. You can
          take the Elf out of the City...

                      HOLLY
          I'm not sure I know what that means.
          Well. Here we are. I hope we can
          at least be civil to each other.
          My boss is here, and my friends...

                      JONTY
          I'd like us to be a lot more than
          just civil.

                      HOLLY
          Are you saying you'd give up your
          job and join me here?

                      JONTY
          I thought the "Elf out of the City"
          thing covered that. I can't just
          give up my job.

                      HOLLY
          And I can't give up mine.

                      JONTY
          Can't, or won't?

                      HOLLY
          We've been through this before,
          Jonty.

                       JONTY
          Yeah.  Where's the can?

                      HOLLY
              (indicates door)
          The rest room is through there.

Jonty exits.


INT. REST ROOM - DAY

Jonty stares at his reflection, and shakes his head.

                      JONTY
          You handled that real well, Jonty.


INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Everyone SCREAMS as a dozen more ELVES wearing ski masks
enter, armed with toy guns.

                      OLDER ELF
          Who in Santa's name are you Elves?

The MASKED LEADER roughly pushes Older Elf into a chair.

                      MASKED LEADER
              (German accent)
          I vill give ze orders and you will
          all obey. Anyone who fails to
          cooperate will be punished.

                      FRIGHTENED ELF
          German Elves!

Holly glances at the rest room door.  Masked Leader notices.

                      MASKED LEADER
          Someone check zat out.

A MASKED ELF heads for the door.


INT. REST ROOM - DAY

The Masked Elf slowly pushes the door open and peeks inside.
Sees no one.  He checks the stalls.  Empty.

He's about to leave when he sees Jonty's gun and badge
lying by the sink.


INT. HOLLY'S OFFICE - DAY

Her name on the door.  Jonty checks the place out, is
impressed.

                      JONTY
          Doing well for yourself, baby...

He picks up a framed photograph of Holly with Older Elf
and grinning Buddy squeezing her, leering at the camera.

                      JONTY
          Son of an Elf...

SCREAMS attract his attention. He reaches for his gun,
pats empty air, dammit he left it in the rest room!

Masked Elf appears in the doorway, aims a toy gun. Jonty
chucks the photograph, DUNK, Masked Elf is knocked out.

Jonty picks up his gun.

                      JONTY
          Dammit, we're already at Page 7,
          do I even have time for this?


INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

Jonty's in a firefight with German Elves. His rubber-tipped
arrows PLOP against their foreheads with uncanny accuracy,
bowling them over.


INT. ELEVATOR - DAY

DING, the doors open, German Elves emerge with guns ready,
but PLOP PLOP PLOP they're dead meat. One Elf falls so
his head lies in the way of the doors, which repeatedly
try to close, open, close... CRUNCH.


INT. GLASS-WINDOW OFFICE - DAY

German Elves open fire, raining glass onto Jonty who huddles
under a desk.

                      JONTY
          Son of an Elf!


INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

Jonty, ripped bloody shirt, no shoes, wild hair, leans
against the wall, panting for breath. An Elf turns the
corner and Jonty's gun snaps up.

                      SCARED ELF
          No, don't shoot, please, no!

Jonty lowers his gun.

                      JONTY
          It's okay, take it easy.

                      SCARED ELF
          Zank Gott, I zought you vere one
          of zose terrible, terrible people.

Jonty squints, suspicious.

                      JONTY
          Interesting accent you got there.

"Scared Elf" who is really the German Elf Leader draws his
gun and blasts at Jonty, who runs for his life. Rubber
sucker bullets PLOP onto the walls. Missed!

                         GERMAN ELF LEADER (INTO WALKIE TALKIE)
          Cut him off!  Ve haff him now!


EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT

Jonty fights with a HUGE BLOND-HAIRED ELF who knocks him
all over the place, giving him a savage beating.

                         JONTY
             SON OF AN ELF!


INT. HOLLY'S OFFICE - NIGHT

The window's been blasted out, Jonty and Holly lie on the
floor, desperately holding onto the big teddy bear while
German Elf Leader dangles in space, holding onto its ears.

                         GERMAN ELF LEADER
             You can't let me go, ve are Elves!
             Elves are nice to each other!
             Most especially at Christmas time!

Jonty and Holly glance at each other, and let go of the teddy
bear.  German Elf Leader plunges to his doom, an astonished
expression on his face.  He hugs the big teddy bear.

                         HOLLY
             You let it go.

                          JONTY
             I'm prepared to let a lot of things
             go, for you.

They kiss.  Snowflakes fall on them.


EXT. SANTA TOWER - NIGHT

Elf COPS watch as a wailing figure plunges down and SPLATS.

                         BLACK ELF COP
             That's gotta hurt.

All the other Elves slowly turn to stare at Black Elf Cop.

                         BLACK ELF COP
             You never seen an ironic Elf before?

FADE OUT
§

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