Short screenplay for the DD Xmas 2015 contest."Give Generously" FADE IN: INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY TEN SANTA CLAUSES stand in a line. They carry bells and charity boxes. DETECTIVE JERRY DONNER and LIEUTENANT CLARK KENT face them. Donner's a rumpled modern-day Columbo with a bad attitude who does things his way. Kent's an uptight pr!ck who detests the very air Donner breathes. DONNER Gotta say the boys are looking pretty smart, Clark. KENT That's Lieutenant Kent to you, Donner. (to the Santas) We're all clear on the signals? "Sleigh Bells" means they're in motion. When we have positive visual of the perps going into the bank, the signal is "Reindeer." Donner rolls his eyes, Jesus. KENT The "go" signal is, "The presents are beneath the Christmas tree." On that signal, you enter the bank and arrest the perps. Dumb Santa holds up his hand. Kent lifts his chin, inviting him to speak. DUMB SANTA Are we allowed to use lethal force? KENT You may use whatever force is appropriate for the situation. The perps will most likely be armed. You will challenge them and demand they surrender their weapons. If they refuse, you may open fire. DONNER These guys are professional crooks, they're gonna be packing heat and they're not gonna give it up easy. KENT You don't know-- DONNER Seriously, you should call SWAT and tell them to set up a death zone, no one comes out alive. KENT Jesus, Donner, will you just-- HUGGABLE SANTA We're gonna let them enter the bank? KENT If they don't enter the bank and attempt to rob it, we have nothing! They walk! We have to wait until they go inside and demand money from the bank staff. That's when I'll give the "go" signal. DUMB SANTA The Christmas tree? KENT The presents are beneath the Christmas tree. Beneath the tree. LARCENOUS SANTA Do we get to keep the money they give us? HUGGABLE SANTA That money's for the kids, man. DONNER No, you drop the boxes and the bells and you run into the bank and you shoot those motherfuggers. KENT Jesus Christ, Donner! RELIGIOUS SANTA When you blaspheme at Christmas, it's ten times as bad. Kent glares, barely able to stop himself from twitching. DONNER You sure the Captain approved this? KENT Of course he did, he gave me total authority. (to the Santas) Saddle up! Let's move out! INT. RENTAL TRUCK - DAY Engine noise. TEN BAD SANTAS are crowded inside. They're jostled around by the truck's movement. These grim-looking felons are led by NICO, a professional heist artist who takes cool to a new level. Nico pulls his fake beard down to speak. NICO Let's go over it one more time. Mister Partridge? MISTER PARTRIDGE I take care of the guard inside the entrance, on the left. NICO Mister Turtle Doves? MISTER TURTLE DOVES I take care of the guard inside the entrance, on the right, bam. NICO Nobody told you to bam him. Take his gun and make sure he doesn't cause any trouble. Mister French Hens? Mister French Hens holds up an electronic gizmo. MISTER FRENCH HENS I got the security cameras and the alarm systems. NICO Mister Calling Birds? MISTER CALLING BIRDS These names are the stupidest thing I ever fuggin heard. Why can't I be Mister Blue or something? MISTER PARTRIDGE Mister Blue gets shot by the cops. MISTER CALLING BIRDS The fugg are you talking about? NICO Maybe we can discuss film appreciation some other time. Mister Calling Birds? MISTER CALLING BIRDS Yeah yeah, I take care of the locks and get us into the vault. NICO Thank you. Mister Golden Rings? MISTER GOLDEN RINGS I take care of anyone in the vault. NICO Mister Geese-A-Laying? Everyone chuckles at this stupid fuggin name. Someone makes a "Bwawk!" noise. Mister Geese-A-Laying angrily looks for the culprit. NICO When you're ready. MISTER GEESE-A-LAYING I jimmy the main vault's time lock and pop the door. NICO If you can't do it in two minutes, we drop everything and walk. MISTER GEESE-A-LAYING I'll do it in one. This ain't my first rodeo. NICO I like a man with confidence. Mister Swans-A-Swimming? MISTER SWANS-A-SWIMMING Safety deposit boxes, I pop 'em, me and Mister Golden Rings empty everything into the bags and get the fugg out of there. NICO Outstanding. Mister Maids-A- Milking? Chuckles and giggling from the others, this is an even stupider nickname to have. MISS MAIDS-A-MILKING (woman's voice) I ask the bank manager to open the secret safe in his office and give me the bearer bonds inside. Everyone looks at Miss Maids-A-Milking because it's obvious now he ain't a Mister, he's a Miss. NICO What if he says no? Miss Maids-A-Milking pulls a syringe from her pocket. MISS MAIDS-A-MILKING I inject this into his neck, then ask him again in thirty seconds. MISTER GEESE-A-LAYING Why not just inject the fugg right away? Why waste time? Miss Maids-A-Milking looks away, doesn't answer. NICO It might kill him. Everyone looks at Nico. NICO We get caught, we do fifteen to twenty for bank robbery. If he dies, she gets a life sentence. He lets this sink in. NICO I think I'd want to ask him nicely first. Wouldn't you? The truck horn meeps three times. NICO Get ready. Let's do this. Everyone draws their piece and checks it's loaded, except for Miss Maids-A-Milking and Nico. They give each other another look. They all jerk as the truck stops. The engine falls silent. EXT. ALLEYWAY - RENTAL TRUCK - DAY Snow lies on the ground. The rental truck's back doors swing open. A ramp slides out, its end drops, hits the ground. The Bad Santas emerge from the back of the truck, empty sacks slung over their shoulders. KENT (V.O.) Sleigh Bells, Sleigh Bells. EXT. STORE OPPOSITE BANK - DAY Nico studies the reflection of the bank entrance in the store window. He turns his head to the left, and nods. The Bad Santas cross the street. EXT. CHARITY SANTA IN STREET - DAY Huggable Santa rings his bell. HUGGABLE SANTA Yo ho ho! Give generously, it's Christmas! Yo ho ho! A PASSER-BY drops change into the box, but Huggable Santa's attention is on something further along the street. EXT. DONNER'S CAR - DAY Donner sits parked some way up the street, his window down, smoking. He sees the Bad Santas crossing the street, WTF? KENT (V.O.) Reindeer, I repeat, Reindeer. We have gone to Reindeer. Donner ditches the cig and snatches up his radio mike. DONNER (INTO RADIO) They're wearing Santa costumes, repeat, they're dressed as Santas, watch out for blue on blue. KENT (V.O.) Dammit, Donner, get off this band-- Donner draws his piece, gets out, starts running. INT. BANK - DAY The Bad Santas enter the bank. BANK STAFF and CUSTOMERS think it's a joke, until the Bad Santas show their guns. Mister Partridge and Mister Turtle Doves cover the guards. Mister French Hens points his gizmo at a security camera, its red light goes out. Mister French Hens smiles. Nico jumps up onto a desk. NICO Merry Christmas! We're here to rob the bank, not you personally. Stay calm and nobody will get hurt. Miss Maids-A-Milking goes to the Manager's Office door, she knocks politely, enters and closes the door. The rest of the Bad Santas head for the vault. EXT. BANK ENTRANCE - DAY Donner meets up with the converging undercover cop Santas. They huddle at the door, peeking inside. HUGGABLE SANTA We haven't heard the "go" signal! DONNER Where the hell is Kent? EXT. ALLEYWAY - RENTAL TRUCK - DAY The driver's door opens, a black Santa boot steps down. The Bad Santa truck driver holds a smoking gun. Kent lies dead, crimson spatter in the snow. INT. BANK MANAGER'S OFFICE - DAY The BANK MANAGER gapes as Miss Maids-A-Milking pulls her beard down and smiles at him. BANK MANAGER Matilda? MISS MAIDS-A-MILKING Hi, Pops. Got a second? INT. BANK - DAY Donner leads the undercover cop Santa charge inside. The Bad Santas spin and start shooting! The undercover Santas shoot back! Staff and customers duck for cover, screaming! Guns blaze, Santas go down everywhere! Nico realizes he's screwed. He runs for a side door, grabs a FEMALE HOSTAGE on the way. Donner sees him making his getaway, and gives chase. INT. LONG CORRIDOR - DAY Nico sprints like Tom Cruise, dragging the yelping Female Hostage. Donner slams through the door, takes aim. DONNER That's far enough, pal! Nico skids to a stop, his back to Donner. A slow smile. FEMALE HOSTAGE Oh my God please don't kill me. NICO Lucky for you it's Christmas, baby. Nico pushes her away and spins, shooting! Donner shoots back. Nico goes down. Female Hostage screams. INT. BANK MANAGER'S OFFICE - DAY Miss Maids-A-Milking holds the syringe needle at the terrified Bank Manager's throat. MISS MAIDS-A-MILKING Last chance, Pops. Open the safe. The Bank Manager peers over her shoulder. She looks back. Donner's in the doorway, gun aimed at her. She puts the syringe on the desk, kisses the Bank Manager on the head. Donner cuffs her and leads her to the door. MISS MAIDS-A-MILKING (to Bank Manager) Say hi to Mom for me. BANK MANAGER We'll always love you, Matilda. INT. BANK - DAY Many Santas lie in various positions of violent death. The still-living Bad Santas are cuffed and led away by the undercover cop Santas. INT. DONNER'S CAR - DAY Miss Maids-A-Milking is in the passenger seat, still cuffed. Donner climbs into the driver's seat, pulls his door shut. MISS MAIDS-A-MILKING Don't I get a ride in a squad car? DONNER How about you come back to my place for the holidays instead? I'll be your daddy. MISS MAIDS-A-MILKING You had me at "come". Donner makes out with her. She gives as good as she gets. Cue sleigh bell music, and-- FADE OUT 12/2015
§