Short screenplay from Done Deal May 2005 contest. "Gunboat Diplomacy" FADE IN: EXT. FARM HOUSE - NIGHT Nothing fancy, somewhat old-fashioned, oil lanterns hang off the front porch. A car zooms down the road toward the house, its headlights bouncing up and down. It skids to a dusty stop and the doors fly open. HOLLY MAVEN, a glamorous girl reporter and her podgy cameraman, BURT, spill out. Holly looks around. HOLLY I can't believe it, we're the first! Move it, lard-ass! Exclusive! Exclusive! They hurry to the house, skid to a stop at the bottom of the steps. Burt turns on his camera light and peers through his viewfinder. HOLLY Go, go, go! Burt holds up three fingers, two fingers, one finger-- Holly raises her microphone and turns on her ten-thousand- dollar smile. HOLLY This is Holly Maven reporting for International News. We are at the Harboro farm in Western Virginia, home of Mr. and Mrs. Jake Harboro. Tonight, as local authorities will confirm and the Air Force will deny, this quaint, rustic farm was witness to incredible scenes. The door opens and JAKE HARBORO, 50s, looks out curiously. Holly runs up the stairs, Burt and camera follow. HOLLY Mr. Harboro! Holly Maven, International News! For a moment it looks as if Jake might go back inside... but he opens the door, blinking under Burt's camera light. HOLLY Mr. Harboro, we understand you met with honest-to-goodness aliens who came to Earth in a flying saucer? JAKE Huh. How'd you know that? HOLLY News travels fast, Mr. Harboro. And, your wife phoned her second cousin Thelma in Charleston. Will you tell us what happened, Mr. Harboro? You're live, on air, via satellite. JAKE Huh. Well, okay. That's right. I met with aliens. HOLLY What did they look like? JAKE They was tall, and silvery. HOLLY Silvery? Do you mean their spacesuits or their skin? JAKE I can't rightly say which. HOLLY Were you able to converse with the aliens? JAKE They told me why they came. HOLLY How did they tell you this? Did they converse with you in English? Jake scratches his jaw, trying to figure it out. JAKE I guess they kinda poured their thoughts into my head. Holly sucks in a deep breath. Burt silently mouths, "Oh my God." HOLLY So the aliens were telepathic? What were their thoughts? Please share with us, Mr. Harboro. The nation is waiting. The entire world is waiting. JAKE They told me, that they represented the Galactic Union. They said they wanted to invite the people of Earth to join the Union, so we could become part of a great brotherhood that stretches across the sky. They didn't say "brotherhood" -- they used a term that transcends sex, color and creed. I just can't say it. It's a symbol, not a word. HOLLY Amazing. But why did they come here and say -- or think -- these things to you? Why didn't they go to Washington? Or some other great capital city of the world? JAKE Well, truth is, I don't like to say. HOLLY You have to say, Mr. Harboro. You must say. From what we've just heard, these aliens brought a message for the people of Earth, not just for you. Jake thinks about that, long and hard. JAKE Well, okay. They said they don't trust politicians. They said before the Galactic Union was formed, terrible wars was threatening to destroy them. Then something happened. Something wonderful. HOLLY What happened, Mr. Harboro? What was this wonderful something? JAKE Some people -- by which I suppose I mean aliens, although they're a lot more like us than you'd think -- got together and talked. Just ordinary people, people without any political agenda. And whatever the problem was, it got solved. They tried the same thing again in some other place where things were looking bad, and you know what? Agreements were reached, and the fighting stopped, and the military disarmed and went home. News kinda got around. Whenever ordinary people were allowed to talk things over, problems got solved. No speeches, no rhetoric, no celebrities trying to score points off each other or argue for made-up reasons. Oh, and the media had a part to play, too. Alien news reporters and suchlike. Your opposite numbers, so to speak. HOLLY They did? And what part did they play? JAKE They weren't allowed to come anywhere near the discussions any more, and anything they wrote, or transmitted, or spread through information-carrying virusus, was edited to take out the trash and just leave the honest truth. That stopped half the wars there and then. Holly's microphone quivers. She glances nervously at the camera. HOLLY So that's why they came to your farm. They were seeking someone ordinary, a non-politician, to represent the people of Earth? JAKE That's about the size of things. HOLLY When are they coming back? JAKE Coming back? HOLLY Why, yes. Aren't they coming back to pick you up and take you away to wherever this Galactic Union of theirs meets? Holly looks significantly up at the night sky. Burt tilts up and films the stars, then tilts down and focuses on Jake again. JAKE Not for a while. Their ship is fast, but it still takes time to get to where it's going, and once they start their journey, turning around isn't easy. Well, I've probably said enough. Good-night. Jake goes back inside. Holly gapes. She's about to go after him but the door starts to close. Behind the door is Jake's wife, ELLEN, 50s, looking rather sour-faced. HOLLY Mrs. Harboro! Holly Maven, International News. Can you tell us when the aliens are coming back? Ellen pauses on the verge of closing the door. Holly looks nervously at the camera. ELLEN It's like my husband said. Not for a while. HOLLY So that's it? They flew billions of miles just to tell us they'd like us to join their Galactic Union, but they didn't say when it would happen? That just doesn't make sense. ELLEN They didn't just come here to tell us. They came here to find someone to represent Earth. Ellen tries to close the door but Holly jams her foot in, stopping it. Holly winces in pain. HOLLY Whoa, Mrs. Harboro! You can't just stop there. ELLEN I don't want to say any more. HOLLY We have a right to know. Everyone has a right to know. What happened? Did they change their minds after meeting you and your husband? Were you the wrong kind of people? Not smart enough, or what? ELLEN No, they didn't change their minds, and as it turned out, we were exactly the right kind of people. HOLLY Then I'm afraid I don't understand. ELLEN When they left... When they left here, they took my mother with them. Holly's bewilderment is transmitted across the world. HOLLY I hope you don't mind my asking, Mrs. Harboro, but what age are you? ELLEN If you must know, I'm fifty-seven. HOLLY Then your mother must be...? ELLEN She's ninety. She married and had children somewhat late in life. HOLLY So Earth's representative to the Galactic Union is a ninety-year-old woman? ELLEN Her age isn't a problem. The aliens have machines that extend life beyond what you might call natural limits. None of them was less than three centuries old, by our reckoning. They did look kinda wrinkled, though. Like walnuts. HOLLY Incredible. Did they choose your mother for her home-spun country wisdom?" ELLEN Not exactly. HOLLY What does "not exactly" mean, Mrs. Harboro? ELLEN It was my husband's doing. HOLLY How so, Mrs. Harboro, how so? ELLEN When the aliens asked who we thought should go with them, my husband suggested my mother would be the ideal candidate. HOLLY I'm sure every married man in the country would like to get rid of his mother-in-law so easily, ha-ha. Holly grimaces, wishing to God she hadn't said that. ELLEN I'm sure you're right. HOLLY Mrs. Harboro, can't you just--? ELLEN My mother has senile dementia, Miss Maven. Or as my husband would say, she's two cans short of a six-pack. He sent me through to the kitchen to make some coffee for our guests. I said maybe they don't drink coffee, but he insisted. When I came back the aliens were gone, and so was my mother. HOLLY That's bad, isn't it? ELLEN She rarely knows where she is half the time. More often than not she doesn't even recognize me, her own daughter. She argues with my husband constantly and is prone to fits of violence. And she never, ever, makes it to the bathroom in time. Holly glances up at the night sky in wonder. HOLLY Good God. ELLEN But you know what really worries me? HOLLY You mean that's not enough? There's more? ELLEN Whenever we take her into town, she makes a beeline for old men. You'd think libido would switch itself off after a certain age, wouldn't you? Ellen shakes her head and sighs again. ELLEN Well, good-night. Ellen slowly closes the door. Holly and Burt peek in through the narrowing gap, in time to catch a glimpse of-- Jake, sitting with his legs stretched out in front of the fire, a beer in one hand and the TV remote in the other, and wearing a huge grin. FADE OUT The End 04/07 thanks Mark ;)§