March BOC Voters Have Spoken! Or, written. Whatever. March 2007 Best Openings Contest
Herewith the results of the March, 2007, Best Openings Contest: The Blue Ribbon goes to Derek Paterson, buckled swash and all. His tally: 13.
Breathing (heavily, per his submission) on Derek's shoulder is Mike Perschon with 12.
Close behind them -- frighteningly close, actually -- is Herr Wilhelm Allan mit 11.I toyed with the idea of trying to interpret comments about first lines as being nominations for the vaunted "Killer Opening Line" bonus, but decided I didn't want to put words in anyone's mouth. Very few KOLs this time around as a result.
Please understand these totals are by no means carved in stone. There is still another bonus available to those who send me the completed scene from which their opening came. We're talkin' an additional 3 -- count 'em THREE -- bonus points, WHICH COULD EASILY CHANGE EVERYTHING.
Here is the vote tally as I have it. Kindly advise if my arithmatic is faulty (it usually is), and to all who participated: THANKS FOR PLAYING!
1st 2nd 3rd KOL Vot Total Ocean Blue, Ocean Deep -- Derek 1 2 - 1 3 13 Untitled -- Mike 2 1 1 - 3 12 Rest Beloved -- Bill 2 - 2 - 3 11 Forever Twilight -- BJ 1 - - 1 3 9 Wordslinger -- Wendy 1 1 1 - - 6 Something Old... -- Josh - 2 2 - - 6 Crime Scene Incantation -- David - - - - 3 3 Sophia (vote only) 3 3
Anyway, here are the comments received on the March BOC submissions.
Index Ocean Blue, Ocean Deep - Derek
Forever Twilight - BJ
Untitled - Mike
Crime Scene Incantation - David
Wordslinger - Wendy
Rest Beloved - Bill
Something Old... - Josh
And she were a happy ship, she were, until Lady Fancy Pants came aboard and upset the Captain and cursed us with bad luck. Ocean Blue, Ocean Deep - Derek
Let me tell ye about the Putain, the whore-ship of the damned. A fine vessel, built by the Frenchies at the turn of the century, captured by the Royal Navy, then lost in a storm off the Cape. The Captain raised her, he did, from the ocean floor. It cost him his eye and his hand, and other parts that can't be seen.
We his loyal crew set sail, and we made a pretty penny we did. Search any island in the Indian Ocean and ye'll find one of our treasure chests buried deep. But open it at yer peril! That's the only warning ye'll receive from Black Jack.
All right, give me a minute, I'll tell ye of the Lady, and her cold, cruel husband.§ Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! The French actually called the ship Putain, or that was her "name" after they discovered what a bad ship she was? However, that's a small thing. Every sentence got me and kept me. And in spite of the pirate being named "Jack", a FIRST. (BJ)
I thought this was well written with a good voice. The jumping around could be a problem if some interesting story thread wasn't introduced soon. I want to know what the manifestations of the bad luck were, rather than backstory, at this point. One point that stood out was the name Black Jack, as it seemed over-used from other stories. A unique sounding, yet still piratey, name would have worked better, for me. -- SA
Mine, alas. I apologize unequivocally, whatever that means. -dp
Maybe I'm just too Pirated up by Depp and Bruckheimer, but this felt all too derivative and cliche for me to be interested in where it goes. MP
Hmm, I’m getting a definite Pirates of the Caribbean vibe from this, whether you want it or not. I’m not sure there’s anything I can really criticise here, best I can do is suggest a reference to the black arts/Old Nick/nameless-terrors-from-a-dimension-before-time when describing the captain raising the ship. Very close to a killer opening line, but I think it could betighter after ‘Lady Fancy Pants came aboard’. My second place for the month. DG
First Sentence: Though not exactly gripping, this line does an excellent job of setting the venue of the story, as well as establishing tone and voice, so I'm awarding the bonus. The Rest: Doesn't disappoint -- I'd read on. Second Place. WA
In a northern sunset the light lingers, dark blue horizon blends to pale, with streaks of gold and crimson that catch a gaze and hold it breathless. Then, the moments expand and the twilight seems to last forever. At just such a timeless moment, when dusk hung motionless on the horizon, Martin and I saw the streak of something brilliant flash across the sky and descend to a near standstill twenty meters above our heads. Forever Twilight - BJ
We could not speak, and unable to flee or cry out, we stood silent. Heads of wheat, gently waving in the breeze slowed and then stopped waving entirely. I heard nothing, and Martin, always the more adventurous, dared to look up toward the source of the light. What he saw, he took with him. The light blinked out, and I stood alone in the growing darkness.§ Oh pu-lease. (BJ)
Nice and creepy, with a good sense of setting. I don't know much about the POV character from the voice, but I'd read on. I like the controlled pace this sets. There is something about the first sentence that doesn't read well, although the overall image it evokes is good. -- SA
Is it just me, or should Martin be the POV character? He's the one who's been kidnapped by a UFO! -dp
The writing felt bloated for the intensity of the action - this could have been done using dialogue perhaps...I just felt like the weight of the prose undid any interest I had in what happened. MP
I think I’m going to nominate this as a killer opening line as it is very nicely evocative (though personally I’d say ‘the northern sunset’, not ‘a northern sunset). And most of the rest of the first paragraph is similarly fine. I do have problems with the last half of the last line, ‘flash’ and ‘descend’ don’t work together for me, one implies a rapid form of motion, the other doesn’t. I have more problems with the second paragraph. The first sentence just doesn’t work for me and if only Martin dares to look up, how did the viewpoint character know that it had stopped 20m above them? Runs close for a place. DG
First Sentence: Pretty first line which does a good job of creating setting, but it's not quite a grabber. The Rest: Alien abduction? This well-written (despite a few superfluous commas) entry piques my interest. First Place. WA
It bothered Lara when The Lovers tried to distract her by attempting positions only artists of the Kama Sutra could represent, and only Olympic gymnasts could replicate. Matters worsened if the card’s position was reversed, giving the illusion that their sexual acrobatics were being engaged while hanging from the ceiling. To say nothing of the noises they made. The female thought it particularly amusing to talk dirty while Lara was delivering her reading. Untitled - Mike
Thankfully, the rest of the cards were rather behaved, even The Fool.
That is, they were until Lara gave a reading for the nervous woman with the mouse brown hair.§ Cool cards but I did have to reread a couple of times to make sure I read what I thought I read. Perhaps show they really are Tarot cards first, and engaging in sex second? Clever, and I would read on. (BJ)
This caught my attention and I would definitely read on. I think it would give a more concrete image if we knew why/how it bothered Lara when The Lovers tried to distract her - did it make her lose her concentration and sometimes cost her the trust of her customer, for example, or did their noises perhaps offend the customers and scare them off? SECOND. -- SA
Cute card high jinks, if a tad familiar, easy style. FIRST. -dp
Mine. Idiot forgot a title. MP
I like this a lot and it would have a nomination for a killer opening line if it was a bit shorter and snappier (‘…adopting positions from the kama sutra.’). I presume the second paragraph should have read ‘rather _better_ behaved, but that’s the only real criticism I can find to make. My first place for the month. DG
First Sentence: At first I thought the sexual content was too obvious a ploy to grab the reader, but then I realized they were actually animated taro card figures and I thought better of it. The Rest: Clever set-up -- would read on. Third Place. WA
Sven Lundquist was seven feet two of Norse god done up in SWAT gear, with a body you just wanted to wrap yourself up in to keep away the winter chills. Unfortunately for most of womankind he came from the troll side of the gene pool, so his looks were best described as rough-hewn (as in someone banged a couple of boulders together until they got something that could pass for a face) and he wasn't ever likely to grace the centrefold of GQ. I'm not quite so shallow, Sven's face is pretty homey once you get used to the size of it and he is a nice guy, but he is also a happily-married nice guy with a nice troll wife and three cute troll toddlers at home. Still, a girl can dream. Crime Scene Incantation - David
"It's secure, Laura," Sven announced, "You can take your people in now."
"Just the one body?"§ I so wish I'd thought of that title. Save the nice troll family etc for later--it's distracting after such a great title. I always want to see the body first. I'd read on to see what happens. (BJ)
Is he an Odin or a Loki? ;) I had to read this several times to get the meaning clear - Sven has a great body but isn't conventionally good-looking, he's nice but firmly unavailable, and Laura fancies him. It's not particularly interesting in a story sense, as there is no tension there. The final two lines don't tell us anything about the characters or setting. I know this is part of the longer story rather than its opening, so I'm guessing the author is trying this out as the start of a story section. For me it doesn't work in that capacity as it is an info-dump that I can't see the relevance or importance of. -- SA
A girl can dream, but I wish she could concentrate a little better too. -dp
I love the opening of this. I'd definitely read on; it has a sense of whimsy that I rather appreciate. Favorite line: "Still, a girl can dream."
Mine, same characters at last time, but this time from the viewpoint of the Crime Scene Incantatrix. DG.
First Sentence: Doesn't ring my chimes. The Rest: I couldn't suspend my disbelief that this troll-faced muscle man would inspire dreams of romance in the protag, and there's not much else here vying for my attention. WA
Looking through the window, I couldn't help but notice a pig flying low over Steve's field. This was bad news. Pigs tended to act so when they felt a shower of cats and dogs approaching or expected some of the pies in the sky to come crashing down. Wordslinger - Wendy
Still, I had to leave. Sarah's call, a rare occurrence now that mankind had belatedly become circumspect in its use of language, had frightened the H... made it clear she needed help.
"Daddy? Are you there? Pick up... Plea..."
"Sarah? What's happening baby? Are you OK?"
"Oh Daddy! I'm so scared! It's Gordon. He invoked them. My friends, they are nearly all..."
Her voice was so small and frightened. Like the little girl who would make me check every night for crawly squatters under her bed.
Loud thuds. Running footsteps. A crash. Silence.§ Good opening paragraph. The flashback slows the action. Perhaps show the flying pig, then remove the past perfect tense and shorten the conversation. (BJ)
I liked the first sentence, but the rest of the first paragraph didn't work for me because it feels like there is no limit to what we can expect in this setting. The line about Sarah's call being a rare occurrence because mankind's language use had changed made no sense to me. I thought at first she was a grown woman, but her way of speaking made me think she was either much younger, or simply very annoying as a character to read about. I wouldn't read on, sorry. -- SA
Personal preference, no. -dp
#2. Wordslinger - hey, we all want to know what happens when pigs fly, right? Plus I love a good series of single-word sentences. MP
This definitely qualifies for a killer first line, even if that line does somehow seem simultaneously clichéd. It’s an interesting premise that’s apparently at work and it could result in an interesting story, but it could be difficult to pull off and its certainly going to need a lot of attention to the writing – for instance, is ‘What’s happening baby?’ (which needs a comma before ‘baby’) enough of a metaphor to warrant care with? As the whole conversation is flash-back I’m tempted to say that it should have some sort of introduction to go with it, or that the contents should be introduced more indirectly. My third place for the month. DG
First Sentence: A little too cute for my tastes. The Rest: The second graph only confused me. And the frantic phone call and cliff-hanger ending didn't really work because I hadn't begun to care about the characters yet. WA
Malcolm Boyd sewed Claire's lips together, pulling the stitches tight and painstakingly knotting them so that nothing could escape her diseased mouth. When he'd finally finished, he allowed himself a deep breath, then rose from his knees and stretched his aching back. Rest Beloved - Bill
Dear God, she'd nearly killed him. This was work for a younger man, not a fifty-year-old wreck.
He turned and, clutching the wooden rail, climbed the creaking cellar stairs to the kitchen. He'd need a butcher knife and a meat cleaver to finish the job, but first he required a swig of brandy and a quiet moment to drink it.
He should have evacuated with the others, but they wouldn't let Claire, already sick, on the bus, and he wouldn't leave her. Couldn't.
The brandy warmed his belly. Then just as he eased back in his chair, a creaking sound came up to him from the cellar stairway.§ What an opening line--creepy and hair-raising. THIRD (BJ)
Ew! But very good, and I'd read on. This felt immediate and hooked me. There is a lot of vagueness in the setting here; perhaps some more words could be added here and there to suggest a place and a time period. It was only after a couple of reads that I realised that they were in their home - I'd got the impression that they'd been turned off a bus and were in a ghost town somewhere. FIRST. -- SA
Tickled my curiosity though I'm not quite hooked yet, I'd hope it picks up pace in the next couple of paragraphs. THIRD. -dp
#1. Rest Beloved - A thousand questions spring from this kind of opening. It is sublime in the literary sense - I am both attracted and repulsed all at once. Would love to see where this goes. MP
The first line is a bit too gruesome for me to be a killer first line, possibly a bit long, too. This seems to be heading in the zombie plague direction, which is a story that has been told many times before, so it needs to bring something knew to it and there isn’t enough here to tell if it will, but flagging some unique twist to make this stand out has to be a priority. DG
Mine. WA
It started as an itch: annoying, but not painful. Then it grew. The spot became a bump; the bump became a knob; the knob evolved a nose and ears. Something Old... - Josh
Jake adopted looser clothing to hide the growth. A hefty man anyway, his appearance stayed unremarkable for the first few months. In time, however, New Jake became so large that Old Jake had difficulty moving, and he prayed for the day when he could simply cut his twin free.
The winter days passed slowly, but finally the birthing season arrived. New Jake opened his eyes, took his first ragged breath, and screamed. Old Jake understood his fear and confusion; his own birth had been the same. That would subside, however, as soon as Old Jake was properly dead.
Except, Old Jake wasn't ready to die, and New Jake instinctively knew it. Unfortunately, the law only allowed one Jake.§ Very cool, though it brings to mind a story I read in from Asimov's (IIRC) some years ago. I'd read on to see how this turned out. SECOND (BJ)
This is nice and bizarre. I'm not sure where it's going, but I would read on to find out. Some setting details would be good to place this story in some time and location. Some mentions of other people that Old Jake interacts with in his normal routine, and what that routine is, so we have a sense of the larger world, particularly as it is from this larger world that the problem (the law) comes from. THIRD. -- SA
Clever, tho' the last paragraph lost me for just a moment, I had to re-read, I may be wrong but it feels like a tacked-on narrator-ish hook, I'd rather you stayed with the two Jakes. SECOND. -dp
#3. Something Old - creepy and yucky. And I wanna know what happens next. MP
I think this one definitely comes under bizarre! It’s another interesting premise, and again I suspect carrying it through to an interesting story may be challenging. DG
First Sentence: Sorry, no cigar for the annoying itch. The Rest: Well, the speculative element and the conflict have been firmly established, but for some reason I'm not really drawn in yet. I'm not empathizing with the character, I guess, but I can't say exactly why. Perhaps the narrative is too straight forward, or perhaps I'm just not up for a clone fight. WA
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2007 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
