Congratulations Derek & David for tying for first place! Thanks everyone who participated with entries (You rock!), and those who voted (you rock more!) I love you all. Keep up the good work and try again for August. (No, I'm not running late...the calendars are!) Best Openings Contest July 2007
July June Qtrly Title/Author 1st 2nd 3rd b1 b2 b3 Voted BOC BOC Total Reds - Josh 6 2 1 0 0 1 3 13 3 16 Untitled #1 - Marilyn 3 4 0 1 0 1 3 12 3 15 For Honor, Glory and Gold - Derek 0 4 2 1 1 1 3 12 13 25 Rainy City Heat - David 6 2 0 1 1 0 0 10 15 25 THE COLLECTOR - North 3 0 0 0 1 0 3 7 14 21 Untitled #2 - Ted 0 0 0 1 1 1 0 3 0 6b1 = Use of "squash" bonus point
b2 = 1st person bonus point
b3 = Exactly 155 words bonus point
Index Untitled #1 - Marilyn
For Honor, Glory and Gold - Derek
Reds - Josh
Rainy City Heat - David
THE COLLECTOR - North
Untitled #2 - Ted
"Riddle me this, O Lord of the Mountain." Untitled #1 - Marilyn
A red haired woman in classic hiking clothes watched a tall blond rapidly remove long strips of dark green peel from a stack of courgettes. Her boot left a dark scuff mark. Her companion’s Nordic blue eyes were amused. Strip. Strip. Strip. His hands were stained a faint greenish color by vegetable juices.
"I should point out Housekeeping gets very upset with boot prints on the walls."
"Bother." The woman vanished into a supply pantry, returning with a cleaning cloth and a bottle. The smell of some chemist’s notion of orange oil joined onion, tomato, green peppers, and spices. "Never let it be said I left you at the mercy of your cleaning staff."
He’d finished peeling, selected another blade, and began expertly slicing the vegetables lengthwise.
"Your question?"
"Why is a vampire, master of the largest resort in North America, making wheat-free lasagna for 2500 people?"§ Loved the hook line at the end! Nicely written. First (BJ)
Love the hook! Wasn't sure what "courgettes" were until I looked 'em up, and then grew slightly more confused as to how they'd be used in lasagna. But then, there must be a zillion recipes, and I've only used one (and that called for the mass-produced kind of pasta). Still, this is nutty enough to be intriguing. I'd read on. Second. --Josh
Can't deny it's a good closing hook line. But what comes before is tough to get into. -dp
This story got a Second just cause it made me laugh out loud. Then I had to ask, Why is a vampire preparing gluten free lasagna for all these people? Bait?
"Untitled #1" and "Rainy City Heat" are the two that I recognize. Neither feels like a real opening, but I know that I'd read on anyway just 'cause I know the writers and the background of the stories, and want to see where they go. (JW) I like this a lot. It’s well written, nicely observed and it’s got a killer hook in the last line. This one deserves to be finished. -David
The ogre, Morgol, made short work of the gatehouse guards. Their spears and arrows just bounced off his thick purple skin. He scooped up an armful of weapons and threw them back, killing a dozen men. Say what you like about ogres, they can be useful in a scrap. For Honor, Glory and Gold - Derek
A fireball arced from a ballista and struck Morgol on the face. For a moment I was worried, but Morgol just wiped the burning oil from his eyes as if someone had spit on him. Then he pounded the gates until they shattered. We were inside the citadel, hoorah! While Morgol squashed and ate screaming guards our small party sneaked past the slaughter and into the Sacred Temple of Ommplot.
Ommplot is one of those funny gods who don't have any real responsibilities. You don't offer sacrifices to Ommplot if you want a good harvest or if you want your wives to squeeze out male children.§ Funny and spritely paced. I'd certainly read on. Second (BJ)
This might be an amusing read, although I fear the Shrek franchise may have made ogre stories all but impossible to sell. Ommplot, otoh, interests me. Don't know why, and that's probably the reason I'd read on. Third. --Josh
Mine. Ommplot lives!!! -dp
This is pure fantasy. A little ridiculous and doesn't take itself too seriously. But reading it might be good way to end a day before falling asleep. Second -
Odd in a different way, again enough to catch my interest.(JW)
This is competently written, it rolls along smoothly, but it just doesn’t grab me. If it has a weakness it’s that the territory is clichéd. Even coming at it from the angle of the bad guys – at least I hope they’re the bad guys – is becoming a cliché. -David
At four feet nine and seventy-one pounds, Abby Larksfoot didn't usually appear threatening. Her long brown hair bunched and strangled odd bits of straw and complimented her dirt-smudged cheeks. A gap-toothed smile along with her youthful dishabille might have softened the image, but Abby's tight-lipped glare brooked no mirth. An exceedingly limp Rhode Island Red dangled by the neck in her fist. Reds - Josh
"You okay?" asked Abby's mother when the nine-year-old trudged into the kitchen.
"Yes'm."
"You look like you just wrestled a bear." "It was a 'coon, and I didn't wrestle it; I chased it."
"On your hands and knees?"
"It got under the roost."
The young mother inspected her daughter, concern displacing her usual smile. "No bites?"
"No, ma'am." Abby proffered the lifeless fowl. "Have you seen Tiny? He was supposed to be guarding the henhouse."
"Last I saw, he was asleep on the porch."
Abby scowled. "Time to wake his lazy ass up."§ Cute. Well paced. I'd read on, especially hoping for a Spec fic. hook. Third (BJ)
Mine. Not a speculative work at all, sorry. I just needed something to kick start me into writing again. --Josh
Cute local color but when put alongside other openings with more speculative element, this one doesn't stand out. -dp
This story just rings. It's going to be good. This opening is nearly a complete story by itself. My only quibble is this word -- dishabille. It's accurate, but it doesn't fit this country girl story; too highfalutin.
First - "Reds" Just odd enough to really catch my interest.(JW)
Another nicely observed, well written piece that might well challenge for first on a normal month, its weakness is that it lacks a killer hook. -David
The bitch surged forward as soon as I climbed out of our Crown Vic. Blood, fresh and lots of it. Just the thing to kick-start my inner predator's night. Rainy City Heat - David
I walked towards the armoured car, one of the uniforms lifting the crime-scene tape for me. My reputation preceded me, I heard a muttered 'Just great, the bitch-queen of the universe.'. Laura was supervising her CSIs.
"What have we got?" I asked.
"Someone stupid enough to attack a mage-locked security van, and smart enough to get away with it."
"The blood?"
"That would be the mage inside the truck."
"I thought these mage-locked trucks were proofed against cutting charges?"
"They are, this bunch used a different principle - High Explosive Squash Head, slap a big wadge of explosive against armour and you can make the interior spall - blow a lump of the inside off at lethal velocities. Bomb go boom, mage go splat ."§ Loved the situation with magic and CSIs. Hate the double use of "Bitch" which put me way off and also suggested two separate folks which confused me. Also, show me as the scene unfolds she's the bitch-queen, don't tell me, especially at the outset. (BJ)
I like the premise of combining magic and science, and the explanation of Squash Head is highly entertaining, albeit gruesome. First. --Josh
Can't say I liked the opening sentence, confusing, I thought the POV character was about to be attacked. Interesting stuff with the mages tho' I half-expected to see "Wolfram & Hart" on the side of the armored car. SECOND. -dp
Three D's - Dark Dirty and Dangerous. All good qualities for this story, but I was confused at first. I didn't realise that bitch was a characteristic of the main character. Why didn't she just say "the bitch in me surged forward?" Mentally stumbling over that first phrase kind of barred my entry into the story.
"Untitled #1" and "Rainy City Heat" are the two that I recognize. Neither feels like a real opening, but I know that I'd read on anyway just 'cause I know the writers and the background of the stories, and want to see where they go.(JW)
Another plot for the Seattle Cops of the graveyard shift. I’m basically channelling Michael Mann’s Heat, though as I actually prefer his original version, LA Takedown, I should probably change the title to Rainy City Takedown. Overall I think this suffered a touch too much from trying to meet the precise word limits, it’s too curt for want of a better description. Better to have blown the target and written something better.
I should credit BJ's detailed BOC recipe for actually inspiring this, trying to think of an unusual use of 'squash' led me to think of HESH, which led to the story. -David
Being a soul collector is not like that cute TV show, although they got part of it right. I do collect souls by touching the intended deceased, but also by sight, smell, and sound. And in extreme cases, taste. And I don't sit around in a coffee shop waiting for assignments. Those come to me by an inner voice from on high. At least, I've always assumed it's from on high. I've never really known. THE COLLECTOR - North
My instructions are definitely from some greater power. A power that punishes me if I don't carry them out. I get punished a lot. I got to hang around Auschwitz. Getting the picture? Nowadays it's serial killers. I'm assigned to this prick, John Clark. He's raped and killed fifteen girls under twelve. The authorities suspect him for three but don't have the evidence to arrest him for even one. And tonight, I'm on my way to collect number sixteen. I get punished a lot.§ I like the confident voice of the writer, but serial sex killers do not appeal to me and I'd not read on. (BJ)
Another interesting premise, but one which might beg confusion in some reader's minds. If the Collector is punished for not obeying orders, then presumably he/she/it would be in for it for interfering with a death, something that hasn't happened for 15 victims thus far. Guess it needs more than the available word limit. Honorable Mention. --Josh
Mmm, I'd have to see more to know whether I'm attracted to this or repelled. So I guess that means I'd turn the page! FIRST. -dp
Mine (North).
"The Collector" starts out rather nasty, and lacking any further information I'd expect it to stay nasty. Sorry, I don't do nasty. (JW)
Two thoughts on this. First, did ‘Dead Like Me’ have sufficient impact for people to understand the reference? I’m not sure that it actually matters to comprehending the scenario, but it is your first line…. Secondly ‘I’ve always assumed it’s from on high’ seems to invite ‘maybe it’s the opposite direction,’ or something similar. ‘I’ve never really known’ seems a bit flat. Apart from the quibbles the writing is fine and the story hook is intriguing. -David
They were lentils, thought Shammah, not squash, nor carrots, not even melons, but lentils— little bitty beans. Shammah leaned on his hoe and wiped the sweat from his brow. Now he’s got me planting squash for the peasants. ME, one of the three that braved enemy lines and fetched the King a drink of water from the well at Bethlehem’s gate. Untitled #2 - Ted
I fought all day as they threw man after man at me and I DEFENDED this field. Now I’m weeding lentils and cleaning up the field THEY destroyed. But NO, collateral damage must be corrected says Adino and he’s got the Kings ear on that subject. Between the thistles, bugs, baby plants needing delicate handling, and water that must be carried from much too far away, Shammah was past tired, past irritated and past caring about his position among the King’s “Mighty Men”. He just wanted to get to a bath and his bed.§ Nice use of the word "squash". Needs a hint of some imminent conflict right away. (BJ)
Reads okay, although the repeated use of all caps wears thin REAL QUICK. It's a little like overusing exclamation points! We're excited now, by Golly! Oh, yeah! I'd also suggest trying to find a hook with more going for it than a yawn, which is how my inner editor reacted to the bath and bed line. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
The closing sentence just about sums up this opening, I appreciate as how Shammah is fed up but his low-drama woes just didn't jump up and bite me, sorry. -dp
For me this is a little flat.[Perhaps a little like mine after I've read it five times.] I get that Shammah is grumbling about being a warrior reduced to doing field work, but is that the hook? His name at the beginning of the second sentence could be replaced with a pronoun- He. And I think you could drop the caps and use exclamation points. "Now he’s got me planting squash for the peasants. Me! One of the three that braved enemy lines and fetched the King a drink of water from the well at Bethlehem’s gate." [Or-One of only three that braved enemy lines to fetch the King a drink from the well at Bethlehem's gate.] "I fought all day as they threw man after man at me. I defended this field! Now I’m weeding lentils and cleaning up the field THEY[Why not give them a name here?] destroyed. But no! Collateral damage must be corrected says Adino and he’s got the Kings ear on that subject."
"Untitled #2" just doesn't do anything for me. I think it's trying for the same level of oddness as is visible in "Reds", but doesn't quite make it. (JW)
I think this is a first person story desperately trying to break free of third person. If you’re writing entire paragraphs in first person there’s probably a very good reason for it. The idea is strong/startling enough it might normally have placed in spite of that, but there is some very strong competition this month. -David
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2007 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
