Congrats to this month's winner, Jack Serin, with "The Devil Came Down to Jitters," followed by Josh Langston and Derek Paterson. Best Openings Contest January 2007
Here are the Totals for January:
Title Author 1st 2nd 3rd GS V Total The Devil Came Down Jack Serin 3 0 0 2 Y 16 The Relic Josh Langston 0 2 1 2 Y 12 Oath of Vengeance Derek Paterson 0 2 0 2 Y 11 Heart of the Matter David Gillon 1 0 1 1 Y 9 Water Wizardry Jon Woolf 1 1 1 1 8 (voted only) Sophia Ahmed - - - - Y 3
QUARTERLY RESULTS
By one point, guys. One steekin' measly point.Congrats to Josh Langston, may he slap the arm of the group and find a pulse. ;)
(If I forgot to add anyone's 10 bonus points for their first 1000 words, please let me know!)
*off to put a wet washcloth over my face*
Name November December January TOTAL Josh Langston 22 + 10 19 12 63 Derek Paterson 20 + 10 21 11 62 Susan Wing 14 + 10 9 - 33 Jack Serin 9 7 16 32 North 5 16 - 21 Bill Allen 15 - - 15 Jon Woolf - - 8 8 SFK Bianca 7 - - 7 Sophia Ahmed 3 3 3 9 (voted only) Lynn Fernandez - 3 - 3 BJ Galler-Smith - 3 - 3
Index The Heart of the Matter - David
Oath of Vengeance Part 1: Fall Of Civilization - Derek
Water Wizardry - Jon
The Devil came down to Jitters - Jack
The Relic - Josh
They say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest with a knife, they forgot to mention it is so damned messy. Normally I use a pistol, but get too set in your ways and people start to see patterns. And so the knife. And arterial spray. And blood everywhere. The Heart of the Matter - David
I stumbled into the bathroom. A blood-smeared face stared back from the mirror through shocked eyes, one noticeably slit-pupilled. Shit, I'd lost a contact. I turned to go back for it and that was when the agonising pain in my chest dropped me to my knees.§
I think the protagonist is an assassin, but they come across as ill-informed and fairly inept. This threw me because "Normally I use a pistol" suggests that they aren't a novice. Why are there eyes shocked? I like the hint that they are an undercover alien, but generally I don't have an idea of what is going on, or of whether the protagonist is evil or not. I might read on a little, but I'd like things to perhaps be less hectic and give more solid information. The comma in the first sentence should be a semi-colon or a colon. -- SAWow, lots going on in the first hundred words. The first line certainly got my attention. The second graf was a bit jarring. If the POVC's chest pain is the self same knife wound described in graf one, I can't imagine him/her being concerned about a missing contact. --Josh
Ewww. FIRST. -dp
Mine, inspired by a rather frightening five hours strapped to a heart monitor in A&E (thankfully it turned out to be ‘just’ a chest infection). It started me thinking about what stresses my character though. When you’re a multiple murderer, is it enough to know that you’re doing it in a good cause? Or is that stress going to eat away at you? DG
I'm interested, but the flow is jerky. First sentence feels run-on. End of the first paragraph seems to lose focus. I'd read on. Are the octothorpes supposed to represent a bleep or are they a missed placeholder. If you're going to curse in your writing, then curse. If you're not, then do something else. - JS
It was a ship unlike any other that had ever been seen before. It crested the horizon in stages, growing until it became obvious to the worried observers that they were looking at a great floating city, a monstrous structure that defied the known physical laws. How could it float? What power moved it across the oceans? How could it ever change course? These questions went unanswered despite an open forum of the Council of Scientists and senior students, the latter given leave to speak and interrupt at will, an extraordinary measure unrecorded in Natar's 3,000 years of documented history. Oath of Vengeance Part 1: Fall Of Civilization - Derek
§
The first sentence could be used to give an idea of setting - ever been seen before by whom, and where? 'How could it ever change course' felt like an odd question; 'who is on it' and 'how, when and where are they going to unleash their devastating weapons' seems more likely. The city's appearance should be more worthy of note than students being able to speak and interrupt at a meeting. This opening seemed to focus on unexpected things, but without those things being inherently interesting enough to make jarring the reader worth it. A specific character to focus on would help draw me in. Saying that, I do like the academic focus and the floating cities, and would read on a little. SECOND, GS. -- SAI wondered what the ship was made of. That bit of description would have helped me visualize it, and would have given a strong hint about the technology level involved. A big ship to a non-sailing people could have far different dimensions than one seen by folks familiar with aircraft carriers or battleships. The last line saves this opening and relates something about the society. --Josh
Good heavens! What baboon wrote this? -dp
Hmm, that title points towards a multi-book series, and it is possibly a little ambitious to try to squeeze any significant sort of functional description of that into a BOC’s word limits, so not knowing where the story is going isn't too outrageous at this point. It’s also difficult to tell how large the ship really is. Is it large in comparison to a supercarrier? Or large in comparison to a canoe? Either one would tell us something about the society about to be visited, but without that all we can tell is that they seem somewhat stagnant. "Despite it’s steady speed it took two hours for the ship to pass the Withystone buoy,” or something of the sort would let us draw a much more informed view of the scene. DG
Whole lot of redundant in the first sentence. Seems like the sort of thing that someone would have noticed before this, though, big floating city and all. Should be a matter of myth at the least. I'd read on, because I'm not prepared to write this off yet, but I think it needs to be made a lot leaner in the next draft. - JS
A sharp metallic clang rang through the water. I turned at once in the direction it had come from, just in time to see Joey strike his signaler a second time. A few kicks took me over to where Joey was examining an unusual cluster of coralites. Picture? Joey scribbled on his arm-slate. I nodded and turned on my camera. Water Wizardry - Jon
Its built-in flash was enough for the job, so I didn't bother with the external flash. Click once, again, a third time just to be safe. Joey gave me the thumbs-up ... then his eyes widened as he looked at something over my left shoulder.§
The lines about the camera flash hampered this opening. They don't give any interesting information, and could be used instead to say why the coralites are unusual and why the pictures are being taken. The first few lines suggested a dramatic event, but a signal to photograph something doesn't fit that expectation. It gave the impression that the writer was 'crying wolf', and I don't trust that the next such flagging up of a moment will be worth my reading it either. I'm afraid this puts me off wanting to read on. -- SAThis felt comfy, like an old "Sea Hunt" rerun. The suggestion of immediate peril would work better if I had some reason to care about the POVC. Maybe a little less about picture-taking and a little more about him/her would help. --Josh
Eh, I dunno, the next line could make this work, it's just at that wobbly decision point. -dp
Nicely enough written and the underwater practice seems normal enough, but if the setting is another world (which coralites suggests) then would people still be scribbling on slates rather than using some form of underwater comms? Leaving us on ‘it’s behind you’ risks being docked a point for narrative cliché, but I’ll let you off this one time ;) My 2nd Place for the month. DG
I like this one, and would read on. But have you been diving? Sounds are very hard for humans to localize in water (speed of sound increases in a denser medium) so I frowned at the main character looking straight at the source. You'd be more likely to have to search for the source, even if you knew where you expected it to come from. - JS
Paul didn't mind the way the redhead was haunting his thoughts, but he wanted his favourite table back. Leaving work early hadn't helped, because she'd beaten him to the cafe every single time he'd tried it. The Devil came down to Jitters - Jack
I think I'd sell my soul he thought as he stared at her sitting there.
"For your table, or for her?" someone asked.
He couldn't say which and he couldn't look away. Not even when she sprouted dark, leathery wings
It's a dream, he realized happily, and then saw who'd come to visit. You can't touch me.
"One of those is true," the stranger acknowledged.§
'he realized happily' didn't fit thinking this was a dream, and confused me about what was going on. The rest of the opening catches my attention as it has presented a character, a setting and a problem, and I would read on. FIRST, GS. -- SAThis has the feel of something larger and longer crammed into a hundred word excerpt. I'd probably have taken the hook about a stranger being able to read minds, which would allow for a little more about either the POVC or the redhead. I happen to like redheads, so for me, the latter would have been preferable.
I'd read on. --Josh Hasn't quite grabbed me yet. Not sure if I liked the mind-reading or whatever's going on, but it might grow on me. -dp
Good title, which is always a good start. My only concern is that ‘"For your table, or for her?" someone asked.’ interjects a random comment into his train of thought and we have no idea where it’s coming from. Is it her voice? An off-stage devil’s? Or what? Stripped of the BOC word limit I’d bulk up the initial description of the redhead to show that she’s worth his attention and/or soul. My 1st Place for the month. DG
Artificial suspense in using "the stranger" at the end.- JS
Anton Beaumere, the abbot of St. Rene, shifted his left buttock to avoid the pinch of the leather seat and the wooden arm as the chair deformed to accomodate his bulk. The cheek pinching served only to add to the insults he'd received rom both king and pope. He glared at the serving wench hovering at the far end of the dining table, her hair a mass of dark tangles which only partially disguised her deplorable complexion. If the cook were not such a culinary genius Beaumere would have had him slain for his incompetence in finding proper servants. The Relic - Josh
§
I'm not drawn to the abbot, as so far he comes across as a stock corrupt figure. There is no hook or sense of plot, and the situation isn't interesting. This opening maybe starts at the wrong place. We could skip the shifting in the seat and jump straight to the suspicious odd taste of the food, for example, which would give more of an immediate problem. 'rom' should be 'from' in the second sentence. THIRD. -- SAMine. --Josh
Seems to have an air of gritty realism about it, but something had better happen in the next couple of sentences. SECOND. -dp
This has a good start, but I think it loses its way halfway through when it strays onto the servant girl. It’s illustrative of Beaumere’s temperament and therefore relevant and useful, but I don’t think halfway through the first paragraph is the place for it. That said, it seems like there’s something interesting to work with here even if we have no idea where it is going. My 3rd place for the month. DG
While I'm amused but his difficulties with the chair, I'm not sure I understand the situation except to guess that Anton is "home" because otherwise he would not have the option of killing the king's/pope's cook. And if he's home, then the insults are logically in the past and physical. id est, the Abbot got spanked. And that confuses me again, because it's an odd insult for an abbot, isn't it? I'd read on, though. - JS
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2007 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
