Congratulations to Derek, Lynn, and David! April 2007 Best Openings Contest
The ringer this month was the excerpt from "The Hard Way," the 10th in a series of Lee Child novels featuring Jack Reacher. Like most of its predecessors, "The Hard Way" was on the NYT Best Seller list for mass market fiction (at least it was for the week I posted the openings). Sophia seems to have been the only one to spot it, and BOC voters in general didn't give it too much traction.
Here are the results of the April BOC:
Title/Author 1st 2nd 3rd KOL Vot Tot Crossed Wires -- Derek 4 3 15 Focus -- Lynn 2 1 2 3 14 Moonstruck -- David 3 2 3 11 Canyonlands -- BJ 1 1 3 7 The Hard Way -- guest 1 1 X 5 AZ -- Mike 2 3 5 Voted only - SophiaI've tallied the results from the past three BOCs, although I freely admit I may have missed a bonus or two earned by folks posting the rest of the scene from which their opening was excerpted. I don't believe the changes would substantially change the outcome. I'm certainly willing to do a recount, however, if anyone wishes one.
That said, here are the results as I see 'em:
Feb Mar Apr Tot BJ 30 9 7 46 Derek 8 13 15 36 David 20 3 11 34 Mike 3 12 5 20 Bill 7 11 18 Lynn 14 14 Wendy 8 6 14 Lisa 10 10 North 9 9 Sophia 3 3 3 9Congratulations, Beej -- you're the new BOC Administrator!
Don't forget, the May BOC will be skipped in honor of the 7-in-7, so your official duties won't begin until the first of June.
Herewith, the remarks for the April BOC submissions. Thanks to everyone who participated! (Oh, and sorry about the formatting. I didn't have the patience to make it as pretty as it needs to be.)
Index Crossed Wires - Derek
Moonstruck - David
Focus - Lynn
Canyonlands - BJ
The Hard Way - guest
AZ - Mike
Undeterred, Milo tried again. This time it gave him flowers. He looked around, wondering if someone was filming him. He admitted it was a cute set-up: "We'll put stuff in the drinks machine... no matter what button gets pressed, out pops something weird." Crossed Wires - Derek
"Excuse me, you're blocking the hallway!" The familiar shrill voice sent a delicious tingle up and down Milo's groin. He turned and found himself face to face with none other than Amelda Finkel, the secret love of his life, who would scream and run a mile if she only knew how Milo felt about her. Or more likely, scream and beat him over the head with her bag.
But wait, this was an Amelda he'd never seen before. Her eyes widened, her soft pink lips parted. She looked surprised, not angry.
"Are these for me?" she whispered, staring at the flowers and the box of chocolates.§ 1. Crossed Wires. It's just good writing. I don't see any SFlit in it, but who cares? It's a good opening. MP
Crossed Wires ? This appealed to me. I liked the premise and the tone. 1st LF
Just doesn't do it for me, I'm afraid. DG
Mine, sorry, I just dropped a coin in the slot and it kinda popped out. -dp
Nicely written and promises an amusing read. My only nit is that the hook seems over-familiar. Would an answer of 'No,' end the story right there? I'd read on. FIRST. -- SA
Crossed Wires - Made me smile. I'd definitely read on. FIRST (BJ)
The flashing lights cast a surreal air over the scene: three men, all of them armed, one of them uniformed, and a carcass. Silver-grey furred, big, a wolf in its prime. Moonstruck - David
"We got it, Sheriff! Shot that damn wolf that mauled those kids last month."
"Just how do you figure that, Lucas?" the sheriff asked, "it's a wolf, I'll give you that, but how do you know it's the wolf."
"It's a wolf, it's big."
We weren't dealing with Mensa, that was obvious. Which was the reason I had been playing dead for the past half-hour, shallow breathing around the two lumps of fire in my chest. Now that a responsible adult was on the scene I took the chance and changed.
"Jesus wept!" one of the Dumb-and-Dumber twins swore, lifting his rifle. I couldn't do anything, locked in the change, but the sheriff proved I'd been right to wait.§ 3. Moonstruck, I guess, though I really wouldn't give the award to any of the other pieces. The opening line is confusing. Is the silver grey furred wolf part of the 3-man equation? There's a better way to write that sentence, I'm sure. MP
Moonstruck ? I like this but I have a thing for werewolves. My only complaint, and is why I gave it a second, was the opening graf. I was a little confused by the POV. Other than that I loved the voice. I think the POV character would be enjoyable. LF
Mine. More playing with my current main character. DG
I don't quite get the setup... sentient werewolf is perceiving what's going on while playing dead, yes? But why shouldn't the men shoot a wolf, when a wolf has attacked children? Presumably all will be revealed... It seems odd that the werewolf should change back to human form and become vulnerable (?) to armed hunters, then imply *they're* stupid. Despite this, THIRD. -dp
I liked this. A little more desperation at the moment he/she took the chance to change might add some tension. The final part about the sheriff defused tension.
There were Some minor punctuation errors:
"...the sheriff asked, "it's a wolf, I'll give you that, but how do you know it's the wolf."
should be "...the sheriff asked. "It's a wolf, I'll give you that, but how do you know it's the wolf?"
I'd read on. SECOND. -- SAMoonstruck - I liked it, but had to read it a couple of times for the full effect. I kept getting stopped by "surreal" used in a situation that wasn't, second sentence a fragment that didn't work for me, Mensa (seemed a lazy reference) and in a longer rewrite I'd prefer to see how dumb the two men where rather than have them be called movie names to describe them. This is a nifty idea and in the fullness of completion, likely to be very good. SECOND (BJ)
I stepped into the weather and walked away from my life—again. Rain poured off the roof like a Brazilian waterfall. It smacked the awning and roared down the bluestone steps into the road. Mother nature, the original white noise generator. Water streamed to the corner sweeping away leaves and debris. A few people were out, wrapped tightly in their raincoats, struggling to maintain a grip on their umbrellas. It would be easy to slip away, indistinguishable, obscured from view. Focus - Lynn
As mom would say, "it's an ill wind that blows no one any good."
When I reached the train station, my shoes were soaking wet along with the lower portion of my jeans. Every step squished and squeaked on the tile floor. I purchased my ticket, boarded the train and found a seat in the quiet car. Quiet being a relative term for me. Slowly, I filtered out everyone?s thoughts.§ 2. Focus: Killer opening line, and a great piece of writing as well. MP
Focus ? mine. Enough said. LF
Exceptional opening paragraph, blown by the grating 'As mom would say'. Picks itself up with the third paragraph, which neatly slips its hook in at the end. First line gets the bonus (though the 2nd, 3rd and 4th sentences are better still). Would have pipped 'The Hard Way' for my first place vote without the 2nd paragraph, but comes a close 2nd. DG
I don't quite know what to make of this. Last sentence hints at telepathy, but why "Slowly"? -dp
Normally this much description would be a turn-off, but I do like the word choices here. However, I'd want a greater hint of character or conflict to keep reading much more of this. THIRD. -- SA
Focus - Some lovely descriptions, and the filtering of thoughts was an intriguing idea. Alas, it just didn't grab me and hold me. (BJ)
Bad country with bad water should have been enough for the normal man. The problem was Barret's Canyonlands, and those of us who lived there, weren't normal. Outlanders came to grow their meager crops in the narrow valley grasslands fed by meltwaters from the surrounding peaks. They never lasted long: flooded in spring, drought-burned by autumn. We clung to the old ways, and survived. Canyonlands - BJ
Seleni smeared black beetle paste over his palm, made the triple turn around to seal in the magic, and pressed his hand flat against the smooth white stone.
"Do you think this time it will work right?" I asked.
"It must. We've tried every way we know, but these Newcomers aren't frightened. What is ours they desire. They carry weapons that kill from a distance."
"They think we are like them," I said.
Seleni smiled. The black palm print on the ancient wall had turned red.§ Canyonlands - suffers from sloppy grammar. MP
Canyonlands - This has promise but I thought it was a little choppy, sort of like a bad western and the Indians are speaking a choppy English. . 3rd. LF
This feels a little stilted to me, and I'm not sure the current first sentence makes sense ('enough _discouragement_ for the normal man' would work). The feel I get from this is something along the lines of the American South-West, say around the Pueblo or Navajo, but 'Barret's Canyonlands' sounds more like a modern European name than a native one. I wonder if this is one of those pieces where the fluency has suffered from trying to cut it to size, in which case the cut might have been better at a different point, even if there is an obvious hook at the cutoff point. I like a hook, but I'll take more fluid writing every time. DG
Didn't understand the first sentence. First paragraph doesn't really connect to what follows, "Seleni smears..." could maybe begin a new scene. Still, I'm curious about what they're doing with ye olde native magic. FIRST. -dp
I didn't understand what the first line was trying to convey. The dialogue felt 'as-you-know, Bob' ish, and I wasn't hooked by anything. I wouldn't read on, sorry. -- SA
Jack Reacher ordered espresso, double, no peel, no cube, foam cup, no china, and before it arrived at his table he saw a man's life change forever. Not that the waiter was slow. Just that the move was slick. So slick, Reacher had no idea what he was watching. It was just an urban scene, repeated everywhaere in the world a billion time a day: A guy unlocked a car and got in and drove away. That was all. The Hard Way - guest
But that was enough.#
The espresso had been close to perfect, so Reacher went back to the same cafe exactly twenty-four hours later.
Two nights in the same place was unusual for Reacher, but he figured great coffee was worth a change in his routine.§ The Hard Way - Like Reacher, I had no idea what I was watching. Too vague for me to read on. Didn't hook me, just befuddled. MP
The Hard Way ? I think this has a lot of potential but I was confused. So Jack saw a man?s life change forever but he doesn?t give us a clue. What move? A guy got in his car. That was not enough. LF
Intriguing, and very smoothly written. No idea where it's going, but my first place for the month. DG
Tickles curiosity, tho' I've a feeling that reading this could be hard work! SECOND. -dp
Ringer, ahoy. I liked the first paragraph a lot, but felt confused by the lines after the break. The voice is strong and appealing. -- SA
The Hard Way - I wasn't sure who's life changed forever, what the slick move was, and I'd be slightly impatient for something more to be presented very quickly. (BJ)
Dorothy stared at the red material in confusion; a bright wild cherry red, like bubble gum. The birthday card specifically said, "Something you might need tonight." She couldn't imagine why she'd need bright red fake-leather material. She ran her hand over the pliable plastic, and felt something far less pliable underneath. She breathed a sigh of relief. The wild cherry pleather wasn't her gift; just packing material. She removed the red plastic to reveal a copy of the classic romance, "Pretty Woman." She laughed out loud. AZ - Mike
"Do you like your gift?" asked a digital facsimile of a warm human voice.
Dorothy looked up at Haley, her Nano-Nanny, and grinned. "Pretty Woman," Dorothy replied, pushing a lock of her dark hair over her ear. It felt like the sort of thing a girl who just turned twelve ought to do. The sort of thing Julia Roberts did.§ AZ- mine. MP
AZ I cannot figure out what this is, where it?s going and I don?t have enough confidence with the writer to continue. LF
AZ and Dorothy together spell one thing, unfortunately I'm not an Oz fan (the books never had the same impact this side of the Pond, most people only know the Judy Garland film). It reads smoothly enough, but Dorothy seems just a little dense... My third place for the month. DG
Not an unpleasant read, but a 12-year-old girl, Pretty Woman, and a Nano-Nanny just didn't register on my story-o-meter, sorry. -dp
A play on A.I? This didn't have any tension. I don't understand the significance of the packing material - I assume it is some futuristic material that the Nano-Nanny works with, but it isn't presented interestingly here. I'm not hooked and I wouldn't read on, sorry. -- SA
AZ - Interesting, and I'd read on, even though it has a strong YA feel to it. Nano-nannies just don't do much for me, but still well enough written to warrant THIRD. (BJ)
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2007 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
