September 2006 Best Openings Contest
Here are the results for September's Best Openings Contest!
Congrats to North for a clear win! It's nice to see an entry from Ted, and scoring well too. Jack and Josh must arm-wrestle for the pink tutu which is awarded for 3rd place.
1st 2nd 3rd Bonus Voted Total Jesus, Adopt My Child! - North 4 2 1 1 22 Waking Up Is Hard To Do - Ted 1 4 1 1 12 First Chance at a Second Impression - Jack 2 1 9 Homecoming - Josh 1 1 1 1 9 Beyond Redemption - Lynn 2 1 1 8 Begot of Nothing But Vain Fantasy - Lisa 1 3 1 8 Return - Marilyn 1 1 6 Troubles - David 1 1 5 Chosen - Micha 1 3 Voted only - Sophia 3 Volva's Prophecy - Mystery Man 3 2 1 14Bonus points were awarded for... um... what was it now, a resurrection theme? Some entries obviously had this, if anyone else feels they're entitled to those extra 3 points then let me know!Thanks everyone for participating, as always it's not only about winning, it's about receiving feedback and, hopefully, incentive to write more!
Index Begot of Nothing But Vain Fantasy - Lisa
Beyond Redemption - Lynn
Chosen - Micha
Homecoming - Josh
First Chance at a Second Impression - Jack
Jesus, Adopt My Child! - North
Return - Marilyn
Troubles - David
The Volva's Prophecy - Mystery Man
Waking Up Is Hard To Do - Ted
Lucy paid for the fantasy in cash, and each bill was a cappuccino she hadn't ordered or a trip to the nail salon she'd skipped or a buying impulse she'd squashed to save her pennies up. Begot of Nothing But Vain Fantasy - Lisa
For this.
The salesgirl snapped her gum and rang up the total, jaded by life and disenchanted by one too many pirate assignations.
"Life is so fucking boring after sailing the Spanish Main," she explained with nose rings jangling. She turned away to feed information into the machine with fingers wrapped in fishnet.
Lucy's favorite season: winter.
The way she liked to be kissed: soft and slow.
How sweet she took her tea: not at all.
Among other things. Trivial things. The bits and pieces; personality detritus and soul flotsam.
"Everything is better with swords and rum." The girl punched a button with excessive force, and the machine woke up to hum and hiss.§ Mine. A collaboration in progress. - LM
3rd place. I think that the current market could hold something like this. I've been reading a fair amount of supernatural "chick lit" and it has that breezy feel. LF
Interesting and well written, I'd read on. (BJ)
The writing is smooth but it is a slow start to a story. No tension, and it's a little too sleepy to make me want to read on. THIRD. -- SA
Nice opening. Unusual. Quirky. I'm betting Mantchev.
Odd sort of non-transition between the fishnet-clad fingers and Lucy's superlatives, but it seems to work. I'd read on for certain. Makes first pass. Finishes 2nd. Well done! --Josh Is the title a quote from something? Yes. Romeo and Juliet
"True, I talk of dreams,
which are but children of an idle mind,
begot of nothing but vain fantasy, which is
as thin a substance as the air and more inconstant
than the wind... ~Mercutio"
I copied that from a web site called Deviant Art and posted by someone called Evil-Tomato-Glomp, who uses it as their signature. I would bet she is the sales girl in this story, who is more interesting. "Everything is better with swords and rum."
"personality detritus and soul flotsam," I like this. I don't know where it's going.
Is spelling out curse words forbidden on this board? If you're going to use such language then commit to it and spell it out. THIRD PLACE. NorthThe title's a little bit heavy. I like the image of the opening sentence, but the connection from bills to the events feels misscaled. Cappuccinos would be 5 spot, and the nails would be a 20 or two. None of them would be pennies. Do you see what I see? Also, I notice the transition from "feeding information" to the information to be fed. I wonder if you shouldn't reverse the elements of the list, because the salesgirl is feeding "winter" in answer to Lucy's favourite season. Try it out, see how you feel about it. But everything *is* better with swords and rum. JS
Hmm, it looks like we're in for Total Recall by way of Harlequin Romance, which is not a trip which particularly appeals, though your mileage may vary. The first paragraph is great, but somehow the rest of the piece fails to sustain that. DG
Opening paragraph of this is great. But the rest didn't keep my attention. Maybe it's the bubble gum. MA
I found myself confused (natural state) by the apparent double POV (for want of a better...). Lucy's signing up for the fantasy and giving cute little details of her preferences got drowned out by the salesgirl's more interesting remarks. -dp
The stone church was bone chilling cold. As were the looks Teca was getting from the ancient widows, their hearts as hard as the rosary beads they ran their fingers over. The priest eyed Teca up and down. She recognized the hungry look. He was torn between his vows and stripping the clothes off her and screwing her on the altar. Beyond Redemption - Lynn
This is why she turned her back on the church. Yet, she was still drawn to it.
Keir was waiting for her outside on the steps. "Another warm welcome?" He smiled wryly and holstered his gun.
"Yeah." Teca almost laughed. "I make a great impression."
"I'm not quite sure what causes that reaction. The bloodred bustier? The black leather duster?" He draped an arm over her shoulders as they walked down the dusty street. "What do you think?"
"It's the company I keep." She shrugged his arm away.§ There's a bit of clunky sentence structure right at the beginning, and the scenario feels familiar. I like the names of the characters though, and the mental image of Teca's outfit. I'd turn the page. - LM
Mine. I think the title sums it up. LF
Interesting situation. Liked the image of the widows and their rosary beads a lot. The priest seems a little clichéd. Start with Teca, not the church. (BJ)
The first paragraph seems like generic fantasy, not telling me anything specific or interesting about the setting. 'screwing' felt out of place but that was because I was left assuming either a medieval Europe or an American wild west setting. I'm not drawn to either character, and wouldn't read on, sorry. SECOND. -- SA
Here's another well written opening. The character, conflict and setting elements have all been satisfied. I hope it won't be another church-basher; that theme has been overdone. Thus far, it may only serve to say something about the POVC rather than the priest. Makes first pass. Earns an honorable mention. --Josh
I think I am forced to say this is cliche from word one. Disapproving widows, lecherous priest, (do they always have to be so? Just asking), a heroine who, if given the chance, would dress like Aeon Flux, but is pure of heart and noble. North
2nd place. I want to read on and find out who is Beyond Redemption and why. I think the character has flair and verve. Nicely done! Micha
Pretty crisp. "Bone chilling cold" is a phrase that bothers me. As is "Hearts as hard as the rosary beads they ran their fingers over" Good imagery, but the wording seems to stumble, in both cases. But over all I really like it. JS
I'm not sure where this is going. A protagonist in cyberpunk fashionista get-up finds she doesn't fit in church anymore, Interesting, but there's no real hook. I liked the description of the people inside the church, but that isn't carried through to our heroine or her partner. Imagery is suddenly replaced by pretty much nothing whatsoever. And why does Keir have to reholster his gun? Who has he been pointing it at? Has its moments, but no cigar. DG
Top mark imagery. Characters aren't ones I'd want to continue reading about. MA
My kind of woman, I'm in. Or wish I was. -dp
Islana stood defiant before the Royal Council. As a battle proven Warrior-Mage, she feared nothing and no one—not even the undead. Chosen - Micha
Eberan du’Arrack, Duke of Westland, smirked at her then read aloud for all to hear. “Islana ne’Fallon, in defiance of our laws, you slew three demons and their undead minions. By placing your soul in mortal jeopardy, you are hereby charged with treasonous acts. How do you plead?”
Islana ignored protocol eliciting shocked gasps from the court as she directed her response toward her King. “Guilty, Sire. But with cause! How many of your people must die a senseless death before we fight back? We now have the power to end this unholy reign of terror. Yet we hide!” She dropped to her knees, and her eyes filled with tears. “Father, my liege, I beg you. Allow me to fight for our people’s freedom!”§ There's nothing in particular wrong with this opening; there's immediate tension and conflict. But there's a mouthful of names and not enough time to engage the brain before the impassioned plea. - LM
The Duke is too longwinded. Actually, she is too. A little less talk. A little more description or action. LF
I liked the idea a lot in spite of cliched warrior woman heroine, and would read on. (BJ)
I wouldn't read more of this, as I can't suspend disbelief over the nonsensical setup. Also, the wise, strong and courageous princess vs. the scheming and/or misguided court feels overdone and completely predictable. -- SA
This one read like pretty standard fantasy fare until it got to Islana's testimony, then it pegged the needle on my purple meter. Sorry, no sale. --Josh
Chosen. Not by me.
“Father, my liege, I beg you. Allow me to fight for our people’s freedom!” Are your characters going to talk like this throughout the story? NorthMine. Micha
This is something I'd read, but there are confusing elements. "not even the undead" could just be setting up the threat she faces, but also suggests that the Royal Council is undead. The fact that she's then cited for killing undead supports this. But then: "By placing your soul in mortal jeopardy, you are hereby charged with treasonous acts." Hard to see the undead being all that particular about souls, first of all, so the Royal Council must not be undead (and then the ending suggests also that the undead are the enemy). Seperately, that sentence doesn't make sense. The charges occur by putting her soul in jeopardy? Or was the treason that she put her soul in jeopardy, so its "FOR placing..." Or is it that after being charged with treason, it places her soul in jeopardy. I'm not really sure, and don't get an answer in the passage. JS
a battle proven Warrior-Mage, she feared nothing and no one
She dropped to her knees, and her eyes filled with tears
I have a real problem reconciling these two images, and while the idea of reaching some kind of Vichy accommodation with the undead is interesting there seems a little too much cod-fantasy in the mix for this to place this month. DGPotentially interesting, but I was thrown off by her father "smirking" at her. Why would he smirk when he's trying his own daughter for treason? MA
Potentially interesting tho' I'm under the impression that I'm having to paint the pictures myself, I've no real idea where I am or what these people look like. Just for instance, is our battle-proven Warrior Mage in chains and under guard, or standing free? What or whom does the Royal Council consist of? Little details, missing. -dp
"You want a man killed?" The knight glanced at his companion, who also wore the travel-stained livery of a crusader. "Why?" Homecoming - Josh
"Because he's a bastard!" Girard said.
The knight chuckled. "That's a shame, not a crime. Besides, I'll wager half the people in this village can only name one parent."
"After two years of famine, this man is still fat. What does that tell you?"
"That we should share his table come Christmas, eh Bernard?"
The second knight smiled. "Who is this chubby villain?"
"Anton Beaumere, the Abbot of Saint Rene." Girard scowled. "But he's more murderer and thief than priest."
The knights stared at him. "The Abbot?"
"He calls anyone he dislikes a heretic; his private army kills them; and he claims their possessions for the church."
"Perhaps these people have broken some law, or—"
"My father broke no law!" Girard shouted, then calmed himself. "Will you help?"§ I liked the scenario and characterization in this one, but didn't get any sense of the setting. A few words to suggest a church, a road... something. Still, I'd turn the page. - LM
A little less talk, a little more description. LF
Name the first knight--he's more interesting. I'd read on as I like the milieu of Crusaders coming home to mayhem. I'd look for some new twist--so my continued reading would be cautious. I love the different "voices" of the knights. SECOND (BJ)
The problem is promising, but the opening as presented lacks a solid footing. The talking heads dialogue left me lost as to who was talking. -- SA
This entry is entirely setting-free and-- Wait! It's mine. I had just forgotten how bad it was. --Josh
The participants this month have tended to French knights and nobility. I didn't get the memo. The unnamed chuckling knight seems to have the best lines. Is this story about a French Robin Hood? North
I got totally confused about who was whom in this opening. Not clear or enticing enough to make me read on. Sorry, no vote. Micha
Flows well, well written. JS
I'm not certain whether the tone of this should be aiming for 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' or 'Kingdom of Heaven'. The set-up reminds me strongly of Kingdom of Heaven's opening, but the dialogue, while presumably meant to be taken relatively seriously, just isn't doing it for me. DG
Interesting, and with more detail, I would read on. This is too spartan for me to have any sense of place, time, or culture, other than generic French or Anglo-French Middle Ages. MA
I like the general setting tho' the setup seemed rushed and without proper introduction. Oh I'd keep everything, but I'd shuffle the pieces around on the board and restart the game perhaps just as the knights arrive. -dp
"If I were in your position, I would be very pleased with how things are progressing," Dr Griffith said, leaning back in her chair. First Chance at a Second Impression - Jack
"Pleased?"
"Absolutely. Clear, strong heart beat; clean genomic scans; size and weight in the 95th and 90th percentiles," Griffith replied, counting the points on his fingers.
"I'm not disputing any of the numbers, Doctor," Casey said. "Those I understand are great, and I trust you about the rest."
"I'd be happy to explain any—"
"It's not the numbers. Look at me!"
"We are required by law to make sure clients understand all of the the Regain process," said Griffith. "Signing the paperwork indicated that you understood.
"They said there might be a little swelling."
"Yes, that's normal. Even in a textbook perfect pregnancy, like yours."
"It's not normal!" Casey said. "For crying out loud, I'm a perfectly healthy pregnant man!"§ groan Everything was working until the very last line. The author would have to do some Very Fast Footwork to keep me reading. - LM
I really felt that this was a tomato surprise ending. LF
Pretty funny. I would look for a clever twist very soon to keep my interest up. A pregnant man is enough to get my interest, but needs something special to keep me. (BJ)
I'm not sure what the story is here. Is there a problem with the pregnancy, or not? Is the fact that he is male the hook? The confusion keeps me from reading on. -- SA
Dr. Griffith seems an odd duck: "she" has a chair, but counts on "his" fingers. The hook line works, however, and I'd be tempted to read on. Gets an honorable mention. --Josh
You had me interested until you revealed he was pregnant. Didn't the Governor of California do this back when he was "acting?" I suppose I might read more to find out why the Regain Process resulted in the man becoming pregnant, but unless he is going to regain a lost, i.e. dead, child, . . . . I just get the impression that the Regain Process is for something more profound. Tell us that story. What would I regain by undergoing the Regain Process? Money, status, property? My first lover? My soul? North
1st place I love the hook! Only critique would be watch your character gender. Your doctor is both male and female at different points in the opening. Micha
Nice sting in the tail to hook the reader in, but is there any real story to go with it? This is competent and the concept rates a raised eyebrow, but doesn't have enough of an impact to score a place. DG
Intriguing premise. I'd want to know more about the Regain procedure! Nicely crafted conversation. 1st. MA
Made me smile, tho' the entire opening seems like a setup for the tomato surprise pregnant man line. -dp
You know, when I woke up that day, I didn’t know I had been dead. I just thought my friends had dumped me in a cool spot to sober up. I didn’t get the significance of the event until I entered my home and my wife started screaming. She had married my brother. Jesus, Adopt My Child! - North
Lazarus got the top billing in the stories that came after, but what people don’t know is that several of us walked out of our tombs that day. It seems everyone of the dead within the sound of His voice walked back into the sunlight. For some of us, it was no great favor. Some had died as slaves, and the former owners thought an intervening death was no bar to continued ownership.
And for some of us, me included, it meant that we were never going back to the tomb.§ Interesting scenario, but there's something off in the prose that keeps me from engaging in the story. A lack of immediacy, or presence. It's all telling and no showing... perhaps if we heard the wife's reaction, were present for the difficulties of the undead. - LM
1st although I have a couple of complaints. I think this has great possibilities. I'd delete She had married my brother. I don't think that is needed. There are several sentences that are too close together using the expression Some of us or Some. The repetition is annoying. LF
Very clever. There are too many distactors from the man who resurrects, but I love the notion. I'd read on to see what happens. (BJ)
Smooth writing and a good hook. I'd like to see a specific problem set out very soon. FIRST. -- SA
Charming little start. I like it. Easily makes first pass. And finishes first. Congrats! --Josh
This is mine. I've been trying to imagine the consequences of the unintended resurrection of a man who know longer has to fear the effects of alcohol on his liver. North
Interesting. I’d read on to find out why he couldn’t return to the tomb. Micha
The title confuses me, compared against the passage. (I assume the rest of the story might clear that up?) The last two setences also seem a little rough. The hero has immortality? JS
I like this a lot, the concept is just so audacious and the writing fits the bill, This is a story which could be taken pretty much anywhere, and the challenge is going to be finding a plot worthy of the basic idea, My 1st place for the month. DG
This needs a different title. Title just doesn't fit. Main reason for second place instead of first. But I like this. It's a nice, quirky take off on the Lazarus myth. And I'd be interested to know where it's going. 2nd. MA
I guess I'd read on to find out how that title fits the story. I didn't think the narrator character had a compelling voice. He certainly doesn't seem interested in what's happened. Maybe dead people have dulled emotions and can't react like living people? -dp
“I hoped you’d come down,” Caroline Montfort told Enrique Ramirez. “I have questions.” Return - Marilyn
Enrique sat down on the edge of the library table, one foot swinging. “I suspect I have answers.”
Caroline came directly to the point. “I assume we can expect the arrival of my ‘sister’ any time now?”
Enrique nodded. “At least five days from now. I can’t be sure how long yet.”
She frowned. “Granny Li-Lien expected to be... rejuvenated or reborn in some fashion requiring the existence of a young self. But she never felt the time was right to tell me more. Now she’s gone. I’m willing to play whatever role she needs from me, but I really would like to know how and why.”
Enrique smiled wryly. “She didn’t tell you because it wasn’t entirely her tale to tell. But you are right—you should know. Ask. I’ll tell you what I can.”§ There's quite a bit of information about the "Granny" character, but little about the two people holding the conversation. I don't get a sense of who or where they are, or why they've waited to meet until now. - LM
Dr Who jumped into my mind. But besides that I think that this starts in the wrong place. I'd rather see this as a reveal. This tells me just about everything I need to know up front. LF
Two minor jarring points-the three nationalities of names and the sister reference. I like the idea Granny is coming back. I'd read on. Honourable Mention (BJ)
We're going to hear a story within a story? The promise of imminent backstory would stop me reading here. -- SA
The writing is fine; the story just doesn't interest me. Sorry. No vote. --Josh
This didn't feel like an opening to me. More like it should come later, like the next 150 words. This dialog also sounded like some of the dialog in anime(Ghost In The Shell-Stand Alone Edition for example)where they use dialog as exposition to tell a lot of the story that is not shown. North
Ok, I’ll buy it. Tell me more! Micha
Smooth prose. The names are suggestive of different ethnicities and mixing three of them makes a question in my mind that I would want to see answered in the body of the story (or I'd want to know that they were just names.) Perhaps it's just marriage, but perhaps not. JS
Intriguing enough, but the talking heads make it impossible to determine whether this is fantasy, contemporary or far future. We could be looking at anything from cloning to reincarnation and it is impossible to tell. The basic set-up hooks the reader, but it needs expanding to give them something to suspend their disbelief from. With setting wrapped around the dialogue this would have been a contender for a place. DG
Return -- mine. MA
Not allergic to this, tho' I wanted more detail re where and when and who the heck they are, I need to attach them to a setting, "the library table" just isn't enough! It made me think you're writing a stage play, not a story or novel opening. -dp
“Watts,” the voice said from my handset. There was no way that the speaker was less than alert, but there was a shift from the normal, a depth to the voice that said the speaker had just been dragged from his slumbers and you had better have a damned good excuse. Troubles - David
“Ilescu, Sir.”
“Oh, God, now my night is complete. What is it, Inspector, you’re on leave.”
“Aoife’s missing, Sir,” I told him. I tried to keep my voice level and professional, but when your lover has disappeared it’s hard to keep your emotions from leaking through.
Watts didn’t insult us by asking “Did you have a fight?” Instead he asked “Where and when?”
“12 hours, she’d gone home, to the Gaeltacht.”
“Damn,” Watts said. Before we recruited Aoife to the great cover-up she’d hunted terrorists for the Gardai, terrorists who just coincidentally had a stronghold in the Gaeltacht.§ This one zinged along for me until the "coincidentally"... Still, high marks for a sense of immediacy and characterization done over a handset! - LM
This didn't grab me because it isn't my taste, but I think it has potential. LF
Interesting. I'd read on in hopes of a good mystery. (BJ)
Wouldn't Ilescu refer to Aoife by her surname to Watts? The missing person hook is okay, but this starts in the middle of a story and I'm not familiar or invested enough in the setup and characters to care much. -- SA
Another one where the writing is more than passable, but the story doesn't grab me. Could be the hard-to-pronounce "Gardai" and "Gaeltacht." Sorry, no vote. --Josh
Is this an opening or a continuation of last month's entry? The main thing this entry did for me is cause me to stick the names in a search engine to find the pronunciation. So now I know they're Irish. Thank you. I hope you're sending this story to a British or European editor, or maybe an Irish American editor who's sister is named Aoife. I'm usually put off by stories that have unusual names or made up names because I usually have to figure out a pronounciation I'm comfortable with but which is probably never correct in order to get through the story. Other than what the name meant to her parents, does the name contain some connotation of the person's character that might be interesting to know? North
This just didn’t catch or hold me. Can’t put my finger on why it just doesn’t. Sorry, no vote! Micha
This is more from something that's been a BOC, isn't it. I like this one. JS
Mine, and the usual suspects once more. If you go to the trouble of creating a back-story you might as well use it. DG
This catches my attention. The only problem is the slide back and forth between first and second person. "I" said to the voice, but "you" should have a good reason, and so forth. Otherwise, this would have been in the voted list. MA
I'm interested tho' there's a time-warpish feeling about this and I've no real idea where or what a Gaeltacht is (I could hardly type the word!) so I'd need more solid info at the top of the next page. -dp
Ingrid Hakonsdotter did not like this narrow fjord, filled with shifting fog that lay upon unnaturally still black waters. The oar-tips scraped the cliffs on either side and Ingrid's captain, Kolskegg the Jovial, ordered them shortened. The dragon ship's momentum took them further into the unknown. The fog swallowed all sound. Ingrid instinctively tightened her grip upon her dagger hilt. A glance at Kolskegg's grim visage told her that he felt the same way. This was a place where sorcery dwelled. The Volva's Prophecy - Mystery Man
The fog parted ahead to reveal a platform cut into the black stone, and a stairway that led up the side of the cliff. A man stood waiting on the platform. He wore leather armor and a fur cloak. Kolskegg swore under his breath. Ingrid saw why. The man had no eyes. And yet, as the dragon ship drew silently closer, his head turned to follow their progress.§ Very, very nice flavor to this one. Immediate tension and conflict. Good characterization. I'd definitely turn the page. - LM
2nd. It's not something that I would read but it is well written. I thought that the Blind guy on the cliff was a little cliche. LF
Oooo! I like creepy. Good pace into the peril, quick setting and a character I got a sense of right away. Well done. FIRST (BJ)
I like the setting. I'm not clear on what is happening in the story. This opening desperately needs more variety in sentence length and construction to make it an easier read. -- SA
I'm a sucker for norse-oriented tales. So this one starts with an advantage. Makes first pass. Finishes 3rd. --Josh
[Ignore the spelling and insert obvious joke here] I am reminded of the scene in LOTR where the members of the Fellowship were sailing on the river and came to the immense gateway flanked by two enormous statues. Also of the movie, I think it was called the 13th Warrior, about the Arab who was exiled to be the ambassador to the Norse men. Whatever you might think of the movie it gave us an unusual view of the Norse culture. This story could also do that, and I would like very much to read it. North
Didn’t hold or catch my interest in spite of the detailed surrounding. I guess I’m looking more than a setting. Micha
"Kolskegg swore under his breath. Ingrid saw why. The man had no eyes. And yet..." Too many subjects coming too close together. Makes me feel a little jostled and wonder which thread and perspective matters. But you've done a wonderful job of setting up the ambience here. JS
This reminds me of 'The 13th Warrior' more than anything else, which given I like the film is a pretty good recommendation. My only criticism with this is the title, given the Scandinavian setting, Volva is just too much like Volvo.. My 2nd place for the month. DG
Good imagery. The style of this is a little abrupt, but I would contunue to find out what gives with the eyeless watcher. MA
Mine, first chapter opening, Norse sword fantasy. -dp
She knew it was time to get up, time to snap out of it. It was so comfortable just to lie there and let it all flow past. Physical sensations started to demand attention; she was too warm, needed to stretch, scratch, and yawn. Waking Up Is Hard To Do - Ted
Then she remembered.
The shock, that burning sensation, and The Pain as the bullet ripped through her. The horrible effort to bring up her rifle, track the glowing pip in the sight, and get off a burst above the bomber’s explosive vest.
Suddenly she realized she was floating in the blessed tank again. A strong epithet crossed her mind, another trip to Regeneration, and another automatic re-up!
The wrong place at the wrong time… again!
At least two more years of potentially getting her ass shot off… again.
Alive… again!
Comforted by the naked embrace of the regen gel, she drifted back to sleep.§ I'm afraid stories that begin with characters waking up do less and less for me as time goes by. In the span of this short piece, not only does the character wake up disoriented, but she orients herself, sorts through her situation and then drifts back off again. Show me the bullet! Show me the shooting as it happens! Then dump her in the tank. - LM
I like the POVC's comments but I wasn't impressed enough to want to read more. LF
Interesting premise. I'd read on to see what happens to her and how she gets out of this mess. THIRD (BJ)
The End? Okay writing, but there doesn't seem to be a story. -- SA
Nicely written opening, although the regen thing is started to show a little wear. Still, I'd read on. Earns an honorable mention. --Josh
The high command and the politicians must love war fighting with having the ability to regenerate those killed in action, but I would think your enemy, learning of this ability, would take the opportunity whenever possible to dismember, burn or otherwise destroy all casualties. A morale killer. The possibility of being repeatedly killed is bad enough. How does the military organization in your story maintain morale and discipline? Is permanent death for desertion much of a deterrent? North
Caught and held my interest, I like the concept, enjoyed the opening. Micha
I like this one, but "the naked embrace of the gel" is a strange phrasing. JS
There are two stories which this immediately reminded me of, Haldeman's 'The Forever War' for the attitude and Bujold's 'Memory' for the technology. Either one of these would be a good recommendation, but I think this needs to be a tad tighter than it is. I would amplify the physical sensations of that first paragraph and aim for the drowsy half-awareness where you know you can sleep in. Then you have to aim for maximum impact in the contrast and I think that means explicitly saying she died in the second para. As for the final para, I don't think 'comforted by the gel' covers it, doped up on drugs is more like it, comforted isn't persuasive enough. But all said and done I liked this. My 3rd place for the month. DG
Good imagery. I'd definitely want to know where this is going. Obviously a solider, or a warrior. A lot of information conveyed. 3rd. MA
Nicely done, tho' that last sentence could have been more exciting! -dp
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2006 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
