October 2006 Best Opening Contest
Well, well, well. :)
Big congrats to Susan for leaping out of nowhere to grab first place this month. Your black PVC catsuit is in the mail, wear it with pride everywhere you go!
BJ and Lis tie for 2nd place, and must arm-wrestle to see who gets to wear the patent leather thigh boots. Perhaps you can take it in turns... or wear one boot each.
Well done to Josh for placing 3rd, that shiny pink tutu with fur trim will look great around Christmas time.
1st 2nd 3rd Voted Total The Tumbril Loop - Susan 3 1 3 1 17 Alone in the dark - BJ 4 1 13 Over Desert Sand and Ocean Calm - Lisa 1 2 3 1 13 A Roll in the Park - Josh 1 2 1 10 Bank Shot - David 2 1 1 8 Changes - Marilyn 1 1 1 6 Ghostdogs - Jack 1 1 1 6 Untitled #1 - Lynn 1 1 5 Stuck In The Middle With You - North 1 3 After the Dance - Bill 1 3 Voted only - Bianca (sfkittyb) 1 3 Voted only - Sophia 1 3I hope nobody minds, but I abandoned the bonus points thing this month, the suggested topic, "stuck on a journey" was just too darn difficult to judge, I found myself squinting at too many entries trying to figure whether the heck they qualified or not. My bad. Feel free to complain.
Index The Tumbril Loop - Susan
A Roll in the Park - Josh
Over Desert Sand and Ocean Calm - Lisa
Bank Shot - David
Stuck In The Middle With You - North
After the Dance - Bill
Ghostdogs - Jack
Changes - Marilyn
Untitled #1 - Lynn
Alone in the dark - BJ
The rapist took up half of my frontal lobe. I pulled myself back into the corners of my mind and tried to relax while that piece of work ranted and screamed at the crowd. Rough week. Two murderers and a wife-beater so far, with zero recovery time in between. I was one of the toughest Surrogates in the business, but I was close to drowning in this guy's rage. The Tumbril Loop - Susan
"Baxter Mohon!" boomed the loudspeaker. It was my turn to die. Or his. Or both of ours, really. My body would walk up the steps to the guillotine, but Mohon's mind would confront his death, with all the terror and public humiliation that society demanded. Personally, I could take those steps two at a time, but I let my psychopathic baggage drop me to my knees in a desperate attempt to delay his fate. The crowd roared. Justice would be served!§ Dang. That first sentence is a doozy. Grabs onto the reader and rockets them into the opening like a roller coaster. Excellent work and first place vote. - LM
Why would criminals merit a surrogate? Why would someone volunteer or even be paid to perform that role? These questions demand answers. -sfkittyb
Mine. Pretty clunky, but it's the first remotely creative thing I've written in several months, so I expected it to be Seriously Flawed. Works better if the paragraphs are reversed, IMO, or if the first paragraph is tossed, with all of that exposition revealed later in dialogue somehow. Or something. – SW
What kind of weird punishment is this, and why would anyone voluntarily do it? -North
I am repulsed at the first sentence. LF
Very nice. It feels like it starts in the right place, and I have a sense of both characters. I'd read on. FIRST. -- SA
A fascinating idea, though it raises the obvious question of how the protagonist survives being guillotined four or more times a week. The hints we’re given of the criminal justice system suggest that this isn’t that pleasant a state, and there seems to be a definite hint of the Terror. There’s no real faults that I can see in the writing and the only improvement that springs to mind would be some greater hint of what the rapist is feeling in his corner of the protagonist’s mind. Takes third. DG
Interesting idea, but I didn't get why surrogates are guillotined in place of the actual criminals--are they being reformed through these virtual executions? I say off with their heads for real!
BA The first line definitely got my attention. The rest may be a might icky for my taste, but it's well written, and I'd read on just to see how the Surrogate thing works. Well done. --Josh
The only reaction I have is that a guillotine is a death that's pretty hard on a Surrogate, so hopefully there's more going on here than I'm aware of. But I'd definitely turn the page to find out. Well done. --JS
I think maybe "guillotine" is a mistake, unless it turns out to be some kind of futuristic device that erases the murderer's personality inside the Surrogate's mind, as opposed to chopping the Surrogate's head off. Then again, maybe surgeons are standing by to stitch the head back on again... 'Course there's the big question of WHY they put the murderer(s) inside the Surrogate in the first place. This threatens to be an interesting idea but it's wobbling on the edge of puzzlement right now. -dp
As he did every morning, Nathanial Pym smiled, raised his arms over his head, and composed a complete sentence which he spoke out loud. Satisfied he had survived another night without a stroke, he prepared himself a cup of Bigby's Decaf Honey Chamomile Green Tea, and wheeled into the study to resume work on his plan to kill the president. A Roll in the Park - Josh
Though the floors in his ancient house had settled in a variety of complementary planes, none was severe enough to prevent him from navigating the rambling, one-story building. His study was downhill from the kitchen, and he made the crossing without spilling a drop.
The tricky part of killing a sitting president, or any well-protected individual for that matter, was two-fold: getting close enough to do it, and then getting away. Tough tasks for a man in a wheelchair. Fortunately, the president had unwittingly provided the means to accomplish both.§ I catch myself saying "Dang" yet again. This one was ambling until the hook at the end of the first graf. Nicely done and second place vote. - LM
A villian in a wheelchair? That's maybe just a little too James Bondish. -sfkittyb
Nothing really happens in this opening, but the writing reveals character and situation so smoothly, IMO, that I'm hooked. Lovely attention to detail, e.g. particular brand of tea, and tying in the tea to the home’s topography. Interesting images ("complementary planes" – nice) – and clever use of surprise without obvious attempt to shock (.."he had survived another night without a stroke" and of course, "resume work on his plan to kill the president"). Straight-ahead storytelling, IMO, which is why I gave it 1st Place. – SW
I suppose you must have considered starting this story with the sentence he spoke aloud. Some complete non sequitur that contrasts with his assassination plot yet shows us the mad genius? His brand loyalty to his tea is a nice touch. Makes you kind of wonder how many he tried before settling on Bigby's. You almost got a third place, but I just couldn't get passed an empath who is willing to experience the death penalty of a rapist. -North
Beginning clause slows this down. LF
I loved the beginning, but the president assassination distracted me from the interesting main character. Very well written, and I'd read on, but I'm not sure that the assassination attempt would keep me reading on very long as it isn't something that inspires sympathy for the MC. -- SA
Hmm, I’m probably your nightmare critic, someone who’s picky about disability terminology. ‘A Roll in the Park’ is a bit too twee for my liking, most wheelchair users would probably be happiest with the traditional ‘A Walk in the Park’, similarly ‘man in a wheelchair’, is much better than the detested ‘wheelchair-bound’, but not as good as the preferred ‘wheelchair user’. The rule of thumb to adopt is that if it wouldn’t be unusual for an able-bodied person then it shouldn’t be worthy of special comment for a disabled character. DG
Well-written setup. The stroke check deal was a nice piece of business. Though no speculative element in sight yet, I still give it: Second Place. BA
Mine. I should've made a note that this story has NOTHING to do with the current administration. --Josh
I'm really intrigued by the wheelchair bound hero, makes me think, "Hey, neat!" And "complementary planes" is really elegant (or else geometrically flagrant and I cannot decide which, but I'm leaning towards elegant). But I have to tell you, Bigby's (blahblahblahblahblahblah) Tea was detailed well past my interest level, and I like teas. --JS
The protag's clever plan does pose a nagging question, I'd have to read on to find out how, and maybe why. -dp
The hawk took his family to the seaside on holiday. He packed his stories alongside a change of feathers and a map of their dog-leg migration route. Over Desert Sand and Ocean Calm- Lisa
"I fancy a cool breeze under my wings of a night," he told the missus as they winged their way to the shore. The youngsters gamboled, swooped and dived behind their more sedate parents until at long last they arrived at their midsummer aerie.
That night, the hawk held court on the mile-long corridor of sparkling shoreline. He spun tales by the light of a driftwood bonfire in exchange for an unwary wood mouse or two.
"The desert is a place removed from the water," he told the gulls, the rocks and the clinging mists. His children pecked at the sand fleas and his wife fluttered her wings to gather them close. "And yet it has water at its core."§ Mine. This one is done and subbed, but not nearly as interesting as the first two entries this month! - LM
About the only story that features personification of animals that actually interested me was Watership down. Not the fault of the author, just not my personal taste. -sfkittyb
Excellent writing was the main thing that pulled this one into the top three, because there wasn't much tension. I’m not sure I'd read on because of the story, but I might read on because the writer obviously knows what he/she is doing – IOW, I feel confident we wouldn't be let down if the writer can stay focused and avoid falling into the Cute Trap that comes along with any story about anthropomorphic animals. Younger readers and folks who like the leisurely fable/folklore style probably would love this opening
. I'd probably read on more for its style than its substance. 3rd place – SW Wonderful imagery, great prose. It is what I should be thinking and doing. I suggest one change.
"dog-leg migration route" It seems to me that hawks and birds would describe their routes in terms of things they see from the air like ocean shorelines, rivers, perhaps even tree branches. Dogs' legs are what we groundlings know. -NorthThis seems to be for a YA audience, it didn't hold me. LF
This has very nice imagery and a children's story feel to it that is appealing, but I don't get any sense of a plot or tension. I'd read on but I'd want something to happen soon. SECOND. -- SA
I like this a lot (possibly because it’s a sub-genre I’ve played in myself). I’ve just read Neil Gaiman’s 'Anansi Boys' and this rather reminds me of the Anansi stories wrapped up inside Gaiman’s larger narrative. There’s a sense of the mythic here and while I’d use the totemic ‘Hawk’ rather than ‘the hawk’ that’s potentially just a personal preference. My 2nd place for the month. DG
No indication of what this is about yet, except that it involves talking birds. I need more to turn the page. BA
Interesting. Has the feel of something for kids, though the vocabulary might be a challenge. Still, it's well done. I'd read on. --Josh
"Of a night" isn't accessible to me. I read that and wonder what he meant. But this is really very pretty. --JS
Cute, and double cute, but I'm allergic (atchoo!) to talking animal stories, no matter how steeped in wisdom. -dp
"Down on the floor! Do not move! Do not talk! If you talk or move someone will die!" Bank Shot - David
I pushed my face into the marble floor, like every other customer in the bank, instantaneously feeling the cold stone leeching the heat from me. I felt my anger building, I was a cop, I wasn't supposed to be the victim, particularly not on my lunch hour. And what kind of idiot tried to hold up a bank 200 metres from Paddington Green nick, the biggest concentration of armed police in London.
The urge to tackle the thug with the sawn-off shotgun was a living thing, but now wasn't the time.
I edged my head around until I could see Aoife. I'd promised her lunch, not a bank siege. She rolled her eyes when she saw me looking, then I saw her stop and frown. Her eyes tracked left, locking onto the bad guy who hadn't spoken yet, the one with the handgun in his shaking grip and the sweat rolling down his face.
She winced and looked back at me, moving her hand to draw my attention to it. Her index finger indicated me, rolled back to point at her own chest, then swept around to indicate chummy with the handgun. I questioned her with arched eyebrows and she nodded in confirmation.
Just great, one of us. I pushed my fury down into the hole where I kept it locked away from the light of day. Time to go to work.§ I likelikelike the sentence about the urge being a living thing. And I like the unspoken communication between the two characters. Keep it movin' and third place vote! - LM
Seems like I saw a movie that started like this not long ago. It's been done. There needs to be something else here. Something a bit different to set it apart from the various other times that this has been done in the different types of media. -sfkittyb
Writer does a nice job staying in the MC's POV, but that same MC seems to be thinking in too many rambling tangents for a cop who's used to responding to crises. Also, MC seems so into his head that he's ignoring what's going on around him. Besides the cold stone floor, I read only visual cues – It's as if the sound has been turned off after that first line of dialogue – A cop would have heightened sensations at a time like this – would hear the slightest sound, would pick up smells and more touch sensations, would quickly gather in the situation more completely, IMO. – SW
I sincerely hope you get these stories published. I'd like to read at least one complete one. The phrase "sawn-off shotgun" popped out to me. We here in one of the former southern colonies of the Americas think of it as a sawed-off shotgun. -North
2nd Pick point, who has the shotgun? How about holding instead of with. Other than that I liked it, it held my attention, it is has all the basics. LF
Because DG usually asks for specifics: Needs to be a semi-colon, em-dash or colon after "I felt my anger building", and there is a missing question mark at the end of the "And what kind of idiot..." line. Good sense of place and I immediately knew what the situation was like, but it does feel very familiar from TV. I didn't understand the "one of us" reference in the last line, as I thought from the mutegestures that they were planning to do something together. -- SA
Mine. This idea started out to be a hijacking, but nowadays that needs such a lot of background justification above and beyond the coincidence of having your protagonists involved that it was just simpler to transform it into a bank siege (not that they’re any more common than hijackings in the UK). DG
Not badly done, but the extra hundred words didn't really help advance the action. BA
Nothing like a little action to start off a cop story, and having an undercover guy revealed so early provides a neat twist, though it may serve to drain tension unless something else problematic happens soon. I'd read on to find out. --Josh
Like the title. Like the scenario. Don't like the second last paragraph: "draw my attention to it" made me scan twice to reassure myself that I understood what "it" was. And "Chummy" is a phrasing that I believe would translate to "my chum?" but I've not seen it before and that unsettled me. --JS
Yeah, readable, interesting setup but you know, this is getting a tad annoying, nothing ever seems to get finished, never gets posted. Stop teasing me you ****. And this is 250 words not 150, my mistake for not counting! I impeach myself as BOC admin. -dp
Peorate. To talk at length. And in George Mason Anderson’s case you could add, and not say much. George, currently Chairman of the elected council that was supposed to be governing the ship’s society, had been speaking for twenty-five minutes. An old Earth expression comes to mind: Beating a dead horse. Assuming any of these people know what a horse was. Stuck In The Middle With You - North
“Classes!” George was saying. “We’re supposed to be a classless society! Yet the Captain’s stalemated dispute with the Engineers has us all divided. Command class. Engineering class. The rest of us caught between.”
Fifteen department heads had signed on to the virtual conference. We sat at a V-shaped virtual table, and without preamble, George started talking. Five minutes later, two had logged off and three had activated recordings of the proceedings, then left to work. I stayed. I had nothing to do, but I had an idea.§ There's nothing particularly wrong with this entry, but compared to the high-action and quick-grabs of the others, I just can't give this one a place vote. - LM
Starting the story with a definition seems a bit...pretentious? Also, if the characters are already bored, then is it any surprise that I am too? No action or interest here to grab me yet. -sfkittyb
The MC is bored. This is obvious; it's also a risky way to begin a story, 'cause the reader’s liable to be bored, as well. "Slow" sequences can work if they're a break from tension, or if the writer's established a danger that lurks outside the apparently placid scene. But as it stands now, this scene is pretty flat, and doesn't promise to go anywhere. – SW
Mine. Frankly, once I had the idea of a generational starship stalled in flight by a dispute between factions of the crew, I wasn't sure what to do with it. Probably should have dropped it. -North
This got my honorable mention and I learned a new word! I can't say that it is very original but it has all of the elements for a BOC. LF
I liked the beginning a lot, up to the point that the "old Earth expression" was mentioned. After that, everything felt unnecessary. It might be better to summarise it very briefly and jump to the POV character and his(?) idea. -- SA
There’s no major faults here, though ‘Assuming any of these people know what a horse was’ should probably be ‘knew what a horse was’ to match the tense of the rest of this, but it doesn’t do anything to grab me and haul me into the story. A boring speech is probably exactly the wrong place to start your tale, particularly if you prefix it with an etymology lesson. This might well work elsewhere in your story, but not here at the start where you need something stronger. DG
A description of a boring meeting probably won't capture the reader's attention. BA
I suspect it's a bad idea to tell readers that what's going on is boring, even if it's not. The hook is fairly good, but it may come too late. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
It's not a bad concept, but the basic conflict is something I've seen before (and therefore you've now trigged expectations for). And the first paragraph is very pedantic/professorial and that seems a worrysome. What if you started with the second paragraph? You could rework the second paragraph to follow it, and it seems it would be a lot punchier as a result. Curious what you'll do with it, but not sure if I'm going to turn the page or not. --JS
Kinda overfamiliar scenario, colony ship, class divisions -- been here before. This would need to have something extra-interesting to tickle my fancy, not a dull-ish meeting. -dp
Lightning flashed at the grim horizon and distant thunder rumbled like the low growl of a giant. Crip limped forward and kicked the deformed head of the dead mutie. After the Dance - Bill
"Soul-less monster," he said, then he stumbled backward to sit on the hard-seamed ground of the Deadland.
Sammy handed him the bottle of Jack and smiled.
"Still scared, Crip?"
"I helped kill it, didn't I?" Crip took two big gulps of the Jack. "Let's burn the damn thing."
"No fires" I told him. "And no more whiskey. We have to keep going now."
"But why?" Sammy looked gut shot.
"This mutie was scouting, like us."
"Scouting? For who?
"Exactly. The Council will need to know what's happening out there." I stared past them in the direction we had to travel. Not a blade of grass grew in the Deadland, only blackened earth and rock as far as the eye could see.§ Interesting, but just doesn't hook me in... I'm wondering why they are drinking something like whiskey with all the other unusual words (mutie, etc.) - LM
Honestly, I've never been able to get into stories that start off with battle or the aftermath of battle. Also, the whole "Deadland" thing has been done and done and done again. I looked for something positive to say about this one, but it just really feels like something I've read or heard before too many times to have any interest this time. -sfkittyb
I don't particularly like these characters, but this opening gets marks for setting and tone. I found that I was curious about what was going on – but probably not curious enough to read on if I had something better to do.. – SW
This sounds a lot like the James Axler Deathlands series. A guilty pleasure of mine that I can't seem to ignore. -North
Future world meets the old west. Well written for its genre. Might like a little more description but I'd hate to lose the dialogue. LF
The opening sentence felt a little cliched and didn't as such didn't help set the scene. The rest of the opening was interesting, although I would have liked it to be a bit more visceral. Not much of a senseof plot as I'm not yet grounded in what situation these characters are in, and I can't picture them. Are they children or adults? -- SA
Another idea that seems too familiar to work its magic. You can make this sort of post-holocaust, neo-western story work, S M Stirling’s novelette ‘Shikari in Galveston’ springs to mind as a recent example, but I think it needs some strong discordant element (Texas as the frontier of the resurgent Raj in Stirling’s piece) to make it stand out as something worth the reader’s time, and at the moment this lacks that. DG
My poor attempt. BA
I would avoid starting ANY story with a description of the weather, no matter how interesting such a description might be. The second sentence is far more powerful and is what editors are looking for. Don't make 'em wait. Sadly, this isn't my cuppa. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
You've got something that could interest me, but it feels inconsistent. I like the sense of slowly zooming out from the head to the group to the council, but that last sentence throws me a little me. The last paragraph makes them seem official. And then the last half of it ignores the council that's just been introduced, which seems like a big piece of the puzzle, but then you don't really address it after having set it up. --JS
Weird title doesn't exactly match up with what I assume is a post-apocalyptic scenerio. I might backtrack just a second or five and open with 'em actually killing the damn mutie! -dp
"Ain't going home on these two feet, Charlie-boy," the corp'l sung out, guts held in with his grenade hand. "Time t'run, boyo." Ghostdogs - Jack
"Sounds good, Corp, but t'Sarge said to hold."
"Can't hold, just two. And I can't run." The Corp'l let go of his guts to dig in his pouch. I looked away from his bowels all pink-agleam. He handed me the tags for the rest of our squad, still slimy with their guts and his. "Take 'em home, boy. I'll cover."
"Your tag too" I said, reaching out. "Leave that body on auto, and I'll buy you new."
"Can't cover you well enough on autonomic, boy. Needs a soul, and that's me."
"You'll die."
"Maybe," he allowed. "But it's a squad of souls in peril. So run, boy. Run for their lives."§ The cadence of this one is unusual, and after a while begins to wear on me. It's interesting, but makes me tired. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, at this point. I did like the grenade hand bit... - LM
I've always been interested in stories where people are sort of regenerable, and I can see where this is going. Problem is, I have never been interested in stories that have anything to do with anything military. I just lost interest here. No fault of the writer's. Just not my personal taste. -sfkittyb
I liked the dialogue here – interesting rhythm in the corp'l's words. Effective use of "gut" imagery – gruesome but not gratuitous. ("all pink-agleam" – excellent). Only false move: Based on the corp'l's style of speech, he wouldn't come out with a perfectly articulated "it's a squad of souls in peril." Just doesn’t sound like him. And yeah, it's not fair, but I seem to have minimal interest in military SF; this may turn into something else entirely, but I probably wouldn't read on to find out.– SW.
This could be interesting. You'd think the Cylons would have such technology for those times when a new body is not available. -North
Okay, but not for me. LF
Interesting situation. I hope the Corp'l (inconsistent capitalisation during the opening) is the protagonist, as he is very heroic. I'd read on. -- SA
Now this makes an interesting variant on bringing home the dogtags and it seems like it could go on to be a good story with the right plot to explore the background and the implications of the technology. My main concern here is the contracted speech -- ‘corp’l’ and the like, I don’t have any strong aversion to indicating vernacular, but I’m not sure it’s gaining anything here. Particularly when it’s used in conjunction with words like autonomic. Lots of points for potential here, but loses some for the distracting speech.
I wasn't in love with the dialect, but I liked the premise of the dog tags being soul receptacles. Third Place. BA
Pretty debonair flavor for a guy in such deep kimshee. Had to work at the dialect, which may be layered on a bit thick. Dunno. Might get so used to it that it wouldn't slow me down. For now, however, it generates too much of a stumbling block. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
Interesting, could be something, or part of something, I'd read on to find out, tho' it kinda reminds me of 2000 AD's Rogue Trooper. -dp
London: 1835 Changes - Marilyn
Silverfield House was silent, rain-soaked black bunting weeping from the doors and windows. The tall, elegant gentleman who emerged from the hackney-coach paid, without quibbling, the exorbitant fare demanded by the jarvey. To him, the miasma of grief that enveloped the mansion was a more telling statement than any outward trappings.
Stepping carefully on the worn, rain-slick steps, the gentleman lifted the door knocker, and rapped sharply. The butler answered the door himself, instead of leaving it to one of the footmen, testifying to the degree of disruption in the household. He was clearly prepared to deny any of the Family to outsiders, but two and a half decades of training evaporated as he identified the caller.
“Thank God you’ve come, sir!” he threw the door open, reaching to take hat, gloves, traveling cloak and cane. The sovereign which accompanied them also disappeared.
“What happened, Perkins?” Esteban Ramirez asked.§ I like the atmosphere in this piece, but it just doesn't grab my attention the way the others do. - LM
I love period fiction, especially stuff in this particular period. My first reaction upon reading this, though? Boy, someone is really practicing their vocabulary words! Being hit with quibbling, exorbitant and miasma all in a few seconds was just too much. I know what these words mean, so it's not a question of not understanding. It just seems like the author is trying too hard. -sfkittyb
Generally well written: good sense of mood; a bit heavy on the adjectives, but somehow that worked with the style, reminiscent of a 19th century Gothic suspense tale. The story doesn’t depart from convention until the last line (okay, what the heck is a guy named Ramirez doing in 1835 London?), but that’s enough of a teaser for me. Again, personal preference pushed this opening up in the standings; I like historical mysteries and moody Gothic stuff, so anything in this vein that’s reasonably well crafted will hold my interest. 2nd place. - SW
Silverfield house was silent. No it isn't. This house was deliberately decorated to announce to the world the death of someone within. Let's get to the drama. Silverfield house grieved. Rain-soaked black bunting wept from the doors and windows. . . . What happened,Perkins seems an obvious question. Esteban has obviously been summoned to the house. He knows someone, probably the Master, is dead. How did your Master die, Perkins? Oh, Senor Esteban. He died by gunshot, yet he lives! And his only heir, recently appointed Privy Counsel to the Queen, has disappeared! Let's all submit 200 words on this next month. Seriously. -North
3rd It's a little slow but it felt like it would be a comfortable read and that I wouldn't be disappointed. LF
Good set-up. I'm drawn in and would read on. The only thing missing for me maybe is more of a sense of the personality behind the observations made by the POV character. Although I just noticed that it is, I think, omniscient: we see "the gentleman" knocking and then have him named at the end. It felt distanced, to me. -- SA
This does a good job of evoking the period, though perhaps it strays a tad too close to too good a job – does ‘jarvey’ really give us anything more than ‘cabbie’ would have? I particularly liked the house weeping black bunting – combining metaphor and period reference in a single phrase is very nice. There’s a lot of background coming through in this and even if we don’t know the plot we’re being clearly signaled that there is one. This is one of those occasions where I really wish that I could have multiple placed stories. DG
Nicely written. We've no idea what the conflict is yet, but I'd turn the page to find out. First Place. BA
Has the feel of a 1930's production of a Dickens story. Hope something happens soon or I'll change the channel. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
The coach fare says something about the arriving gent, but the "miasma of grief" seems completely irrelevant and more than a little confusing. How is this relevant to the cost of the cabbie? Also, because there's no real sense of scale yet, the fact that the butler answered the door himself, "rather than footmen" the sense reverses itself part way through. Try reversing that sense and see how it reads.. "Instead of leaving the door to one of the footment, the butler answered the door himself." There's lots of potential here, but it feels like you need another revision. --JS
This might sound odd but I felt the narrator's presence, a heavy hand upon my shoulder. Which may well suit the period, but feels... I dunno... POV-less and kinda plodding. I'm just saying. -dp
For several days Mary watched the dilapidated two story house from an abandoned brownstone. She studied the comings and goings, looking for a gap in the activity so she could approach Dave. One afternoon she joined some high school students as they meandered down the street. She slipped away into a narrow, garbage strewn alley that ran along side the house. The old porch squeaked alarmingly under her feet. Peering through the window she saw Dave and rapped gently to get his attention. Startled, he dropped his cup. It exploded on the floor. Mary cringed. Untitled #1 - Lynn
“So much for stealth,” Mary said, when Dave opened the backdoor.
“Well, it’s not like I was expecting you,” he replied. Dave listened at the foot of the stairs while Mary picked up the broken pieces. “The old woman’s so deaf I doubt that she’d hear a bomb go off. So, what do you want?”§ Another entry that doesn't have anything wrong with it, but also doesn't grab my attention in comparison to the others. - LM
This would grab me at least long enough to want to know why Mary was sneaking around. Given a bit more dialogue (I love well written dialogue), I may stay around to read the rest. -sfkittyb
(Okay, it’s not fair, but anything "Untitled" has to work a little harder for my vote. Just FYI) I have no idea what’s going on here, no sense of the characters or the situation, and oddly, no tension, despite the use of words like "alarmingly" and "exploded." I don’t have any constructive suggestions for fixing it, I’m afraid; the piece doesn’t seem anchored in a character or a situation. – SW
This should be called "The Neighbor." It sounds like the beginning of a good Halloween story. -North
Mine.
I need the exercise, it shows. LF It's okay, but I don't know why Mary is lurking around, and why it is important. There isn't any tension, even when the cup drops, as I don't know if there would be any consequence to her being detected and of what magnitude it would be. I'd read on a little to see what happens. -- SA
Intriguing. This does a good job of telling us that something is going on without ever telling us what. In some ways I’m more tempted to read on with this than with anything else here, but the prose doesn’t quite grab me in the same way as some of the other pieces, so while it challenges strongly for a place it doesn’t quite make the cut. DG
Somewhat suspensful, but I wasn't convinced of the danger. Mary seems to have been skulking about for two days so as not to get caught by a deaf old woman. BA
Needs way more tension to keep me reading. Perhaps if Dave knew what Mary wanted, and had been avoiding her, or at least hoping she wouldn't show, *then* you'd have my attention. As is, no. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
I don't really get this piece. You raise a lot of questions very quickly, and don't address enough of them for me to feel like I have a sense of where I am. Why is she stalking Dave? Why is there activity? Why does she have to sneak? And so on. The writing isn't bad, but it's not compelling to me. I have no idea where you're going, so I don't know what to care about. --JS
Reads well enough except, and this is just a niggling thought, maybe there's a lack of even a hint of spec element, which other openings have, so if I were a-choosing, maybe I'd be a-choosing them over this. -dp
This isn't a tale of alien or demonic creatures, bad men or politics. Instead of raising eyebrows, it's a story about that part of ourselves that raises the hackles on the backs of our necks when we're alone in the dark. Alone in the dark - BJ
As a young man I traveled expensively, always first class, always the best champagne, and women, and when things began to go wrong, the best pawn shops and no star hotels. And no women.
At last, I decided to open the Pouch I'd won on my last good streak, the last time I'd won anything. The Butcherman, as grim as ever, had pulled it from his pocket with almost a lover's sigh of regret and something else.
"Don't open it," he said, "unless you're tired of losing. Not just bone-tired tired, Frankie, but ready to climb in and pull six feet of dirt over your head tired."§ The first sentence is pure authorial voice, but the last line is a great hook. I'd turn the page to see what happens, but would ditch that opening line. - LM
Oh, please finish this story! I want to know what's in the bag! -sfkittyb
I really liked the ending to this piece – suggestion of a Faust-like bargain’s always good for a story, and the last sentence is dandy – but the writer takes a while to get up to speed and drags us over some clunky writing in the process. The "instead of raising eyebrows…" sentence would have stopped me cold, if I wasn't already committed to reading 'til the end since this was a BOC entry. Like my entry, probably could be improved by tossing the first paragraph entirely, and starting the story with paragraph #2. Almost, but not quite a vote. - SW
No comment. I'm out of Kilbeggans and my cigar threatens my fingers. -North
1st place. LF
The first paragraph put me off as they style of it felt very old-fashioned, but the rest of the opening held my interest. It does feel familiar, and I'd like to see some unique twists soon. I'd read on. THIRD. -- SA
That opening paragraph says that this is the first place story for the month. The rest isn’t quite as strong, but it’s still a good story to be scoring on All Hallows E’en. If the rest of the story can even approximate the standard of this then the writer should have something memorable. First. DG
Telling first graph might be chalked up as wishful thinking on the writer's part, and that word count could possibly have been better used to give the reader a glimpse of the McGuffin in the pouch. BA
The premise here is pretty interesting. I think it might work better if introduced in the first graf. The first sentence would be even better, but making it work would be a stretch. Gets an honorable mention. --Josh
This is excellent, but that first sentence seems to full under the guidance that I always read about throwing away the very beginning. Why do you need to tell me what the story is about. Why wouldn't I get that information from the story itself? --JS
Overfamiliar title -- computer game and film? I read this one a couple of times, finally figured there might be something missing in between the 2nd and 3rd paras, some indication that Frankie is pretty down on his luck right now, driven to an edge of desperation, where his back's against the wall and his stomach's grumbling and he ain't got a choice. And Butcherman's warning (cute name BTW) could maybe use something a tad spookier? Just to build up whatever's coming next. I'm just saying. -dp
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2006 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
