Congrats to Josh Langston, who is well on his way to total world domination with his first-place entry of "Weewatumpka Blues". Second and third place honors to Derek Paterson and Bill Allan! November 2006 Best Openings Contest
I was pleased with the turnout on entries and feedback. But a quick note on voting and comments: I will have another entry detailing the easiest way for you to format both, but for now I'd like to encourage people to really analyze why a particular BOC entry does or does not work for you. The more feedback you are able to give, the more you are going to help the author and yourself!
Title Author 1st 2nd 3rd Vote GS Total Weewatumpka Blues Josh Langston 1 4 2 Y 3 22 Last Year's Model Derek Paterson 3 0 2 Y 3 20 Faith Bill Allan 1 1 1 Y 3 15 Pool Susan Wing 1 1 0 Y 3 14 Heaven's Dragons Jack Serin 1 1 1 Y 0 9 Death of Faith SFK Bianca 0 0 0 Y 2 7 Untitled North 0 0 0 Y 1 5 (voted only) Sophia Ahmed Y 3
Index Pool
Weewatumpka Blues - Josh
Death of Faith - Bianca
Heaven's Dragons - Jack
Last Year's Model - Derek
UNTITLED - North
Faith - Bill
From the bottom of the MacKenzies' pool, the clouds looked like marshmallows. The splash, the breaking through, the pinch of chlorine, the motion suddenly slowed—all of this Roni remembered later. But while they were happening, her watching self registered these events only as bits of unremarkable scenery, like vague hedgerows and distant hills seen from a train window. Even when her butt finally bounced off the tile in the deep end, her first thought wasn't "Oh no, I'm at the bottom of the pool," or even "Oh no, I can't swim," but rather, "Giant marshmallows! That is so cool!" Pool - Susan
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Reads like an acid trip. No hint of why Roni is in the pool, tho' I guess this place must be important since it's the title. Can't honestly say I'm compelled to turn the page despite the mystery of whether Roni will drown. -dpThis experience -- despite being done in a clear and compelling way -- is so contrary to normal that it cannot be believed. I've worked with too many adults who can't swim, and the terror they encounter when going under water is amazing. The writing is excellent, so I'll pony up a star for it, but it's not strong enough to pull me any farther. --Josh
I'm giving you a First Place vote and a gold star. I'd read more about your Roni. - North
Something about this scene made me want to roll my eyes. I would not read on. Sfkittyb
Mine. I sorta like the first line. But the entry ends with a whimper, IMO, partly 'cause the spec element doesn't appear until the next paragraph. I really don't know where this is going after the first 250 words, but I guess I should figure that out in the next coupla days, huh?
Overall, ho-hum. - SW I liked the writing here, but there was no tension in the opening. "all of this Roni remembered later" told me she'd survive. I like that her reaction isn't what I would expect in this situation, but it is too different to feel plausible. A touch of panic and physical sensations alongside the thoughts would make this more real. I wouldn't read on as I'm put off by the airy, teenage-sounding voice of the protagonist. -- SA
The POVC's emotional reaction here seems unlikely, and tends to drain the scene of intensity. Isn't she about to drown? BA
This will sound both bad and weird, but to me, this is a fantastic start executed weakly. The entire middle, to her hitting the bottom, is just color and I didn't care. And I'm almost certain that "Oh know I can't swim" would be thought that came before "I'm at the bottom" On the other hand, the characterization is so good I almost clapped my hands, and I'd turn the page because it feels like things would smooth out once you got a chance to run. -JS
Travis opened his door to the first line of a joke: An Indian, a dwarf, and a biker walk into a bar... Except he didn't own a bar, and this clearly wasn't a joke. Weewatumpka Blues - Josh
"We're lookin' for Travis Bowman," the Indian said.
"The third," added the biker.
Travis looked down at the dwarf, expecting her to add something. She didn't. Instead, she stunned him with the sexiest smile he'd ever seen. He dragged his eyes from hers and quickly inspected the other two. They appeared calm, and unarmed.
Always a good sign. Still....
"He's dead," Travis said.
"Then, who're you?"
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"Ugh" to the title, an overfamiliar tactic, pick a random place name that sounds like a backwater swamp and tack on "Blues" for quick color/atmosphere. Dwarves scare me, they make me instinctively cover my crotch for some reason. Despite this, SECOND. -dpMine. And already heavily revised. --Josh
This amused me because it started with a joke. Except that it didn't. I would read on. Sfkittyb
Second Place. I'd like to know the punch line of the joke. I'd read on, but I don't know how patient I'd be to get there. - North
Pretty funny. Love the first sentence. Smooth writing and enough incongruity to be interesting. Doesn't really end with a kicker, but style and voice are clever enough to engage me. Yup, I'd read on. Second place. (And Josh, you really should lose the "Weewatumpka" unless you want me to recognize your entries
.) - SW The joke reference didn't really work for me, and it also felt like a missed opportunity to give a hint of the setting. The humourous tone felt a little strained after that, but I would read on to see what happens. THIRD, Gold Star. -- SA
I'm not big on humorous SF, but from reading many guidelines over the years, I know a lot of editors are. And I think the humor here is being drawn with a clever hand. Third Place. BA
I liked this entirely, except for the second sentence which *really* bugged me. I think that you could cut the second sentence and nothing would change. Then finish this so I can turn the page. -JS
Star dangled acrobatically from one of the many buttresses supporting the cathedral ceiling, a sinister looking dagger in her right hand. Below her a priest knelt at a prayer desk, his mumbled supplications unintelligible. Arm raised, Star prepared to strike, but suddenly the priest stood and turned. He looked directly into the dark corner of the ceiling where she hung, and instead of the fear she expected to see she saw burning hatred in his eyes. She hesitated but a moment, then flung the dagger towards the priest. It struck true, and he clutched futilely at the hilt and gasped. Death of Faith - Bianca
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Kill those adverbs! I felt an urge to give this entry a quick edit pass. As is, it doesn't compel me to turn the page. Title is kinda on the nose. -dpWait, she's hanging from a ceiling presumably without a rope or other support, and she's got an arm free so she can throw a dagger? Hard enough to kill someone? I don't think so. I can't make it work in my head. Sorry, no votes. --Josh
This is mine. sfkittyb
So symbolically, Star is killing her own faith, killing all faith, or killing God. Or is she just killing some scum sucking Snidely Whiplash in a priest's habit? It's interesting that there are two entries this month on faith. I wouldn't read much more of either. - North
A dramatic situation, certainly, but unnecessary adverbs (making the style a bit rough) and a certain lack of personality in the main character keep this one from getting a vote. Just my bias; I tend to vote most based on whether the MC engages me, but some readers might care more that this entry probably will break into some interesting action (that reveals more character) pretty soon, and would read on. IOW, a qualified gold star. - SW
I liked the 'burning hatred' in the victim's eyes as it was interesting and unusual. The rest of the opening felt very vague and like a generic fantasy. There were no specific terms that would ground this in a particular setting at all. I wouldn't read on, sorry. -- SA
Not a bad action scene, but it seems complete in itself. Dangling assasin kills p*ssed-off priest. I'm not really drawn to turn the page. BA
I like the atmosphere, but I frown at the adverbs. "Dangled acrobatically" is different, I suppose, from "Dangled limply" but my first response is "How else would someone dangle. (because if she was limp, she'd be Hanging limply). What do you mean? Similarly "Clutched futilely." If he clutched it, then he was successful, and futile doesn't apply to the clutch. And if futile does apply to the clutch, then it wasn't really a clutch, it was more of a grab. But I'd read the next page, my curiousity is engaged. -JS
"He'll break," Li Tsi-Lok shouted over the drone of straining propellers. Heaven's Dragons - Jack
Li Kai-Yee's knuckles were white around the starboard throttles despite elder brother's confidence. The oncoming strike-zeppelin was closing fast, with no sign of turning. Gods willing, the combined wreck would corkscrew slowly to ground, leaking a half-million cube-meters of hydrogen safely to air. But between the grating of crumpling ship's armor, and the gun-battle to follow, a spark seemed inevitable.
He stared at the enemy, seeing only his long-dead father's lidless, lipless face in the canopy glass.
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I felt I'd been thrown headlong into a word puzzle -- had to stop and backtrack and figure things out. Cute title, and you'd think the outcome of a collision between two airships would grab me, but oddly enough, no. Maybe just a case of too much too soon. Maybe it starts in the wrong place, I dunno. Still, a spark of something earns THIRD. -dpI'm a huge fan of dirigibles (the real kind) and that likely makes me deeply skeptical of an armored warship version, especially one filled with combustible gas. Sorry, no votes. --Josh
It was the last sentence that got me. Shuddery goodness. I would read on. Sfkittyb
I'm probably missing some good stories, but when I see Dragons in the title, I don't even pick up the book. For me, Dragons as characters are over-used and should be scaled back. - North
There's a lot of information to absorb in this opening; I feel as if the writer wanted to squeeze character and conflict into the 100-word limit, along with a certain amount of science and familial relationships -- but it doesn't work somehow. Too much info for me, I'm afraid; the opening feels unfocused as a result, IMO. - SW
Confusing. I don't understand what is going on or who the characters are. There is a missing "his" before "elder brother". Is the last line to be taken literally, or not? Is he seeing himself reflected in the glass, or seeing his enemy's face, or remembering his father? I wouldn't read on, sorry. -- SA
Another decent action scene, but this one is open-ended, leaving me wondering what's going to happen next. I'd turn the page. Second Place. BA
My last sentence isn't as clear as it was when I wrote it. Needs revisions. Dammit. -JS
Tad had almost reached his apartment dome on the lower west platform when he realized the pleasure robot was following him. Any other time, he might have assumed she was making a home visit to some lazy bastard couldn't be bothered getting up off his couch to get some pootie. But Tad had taken a dog-leg through the Shady to pick up his weekly shot from Griz, who'd upped his prices again, the thieving sumbitch. He remembered seeing her there, loitering. He'd thought she was waiting for a john. Now things took on a creepy turn. This wasn't right. Last Year's Model - Derek
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I'm wondering what it was about the pleasure robot that made it obvious that it was a robot, and how that could somehow be a turn-on. Wheels? Blinking lights? Sorry, no votes. --JoshI like robots/androids. I'm interested enough to read at least a little bit longer. I don't like the word 'pootie'. Sfkittyb
Third Place. - North
Excellent first sentence: character, setting, situation in a neat little package without excessive explanation. Writer proceeds to deepen situation into conflict, and work in enough back story to reveal more setting and character without slowing things down. Good pacing, and distinctive character voice. I'd definitely turn the page. First place - SW
Missing "who" before "couldn't be bothered". I'd read on, although I don't like the main character. There is a hint of something about to happen, though, and this story feels immediate and interesting. FIRST, Gold Star. -- SA
Good first sentence. Good follow through. First Place. BA
My main complaint is in the middle where suddenly there's a big burst of names and places and things to remember. I'm just a dumb reader, make it easy for me. -JS
Is this what the alligator feels like when someone jabs a stick in its mouth, Jim Alexander thought. UNTITLED - North
A bone sliver in the bite of mashed potatoes and gravy stuck in his throat.
That's a clever idea until the stick is in your mouth. Do I have time for empathy? I'm choking here! Stay calm, you're still getting air. Choking on a chicken bone at the family dinner table is not how my life is supposed to end. Is it?
He made himself cough. Still stuck. Harder! He coughed some more. Still stuck. The panic is rising.
His mother smiled.
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Will he or won't he choke to death? Will his mother realize his predicament and help him? So far that's all the story seems to consist of. -dpLove the title. I feel as though I've been ping-ponged by verb tenses. I have no sympathy for alligators. Turtles, maybe. Sorry, no votes. --Josh
Seems like there needs to be some more puncuation in the first sentence. I couldn't get past this. I would not read on. Sfkittyb
Mine. - North The central paragraph ("That's a clever idea" through "Is it?") is wonderful; the internal dialogue is funny, believable, and horrifying at the same time. But the rest of the entry doesn't match it, in either style or content. A few verb tense changes mid-sentence, plus rapid switching from internal thoughts to description of outside observation - as a reader, I feel a bit tossed about. And I'm not sure the alligator opening works in the first place, since the MC's mother seems like the alligator, not Jim Alexander
. Sorry, no vote. - SW Who is talking to him, here? Or are these his own thoughts to himself? Confusing and lacking in setting and any hint of plot or speculative element. The mother smiling is unusual and has caught my interest enough to read on for another sentence or two, but I'd stop if things didn't become clearer. Gold Star. -- SA
First sentence somewhat intriguing. But then we find out it's a hapless bloke at the dinner table gagging on a chicken bone. Surely someone can perform the Heimlich maneuver!
BA Good concept, but textmode formatting hurt you here because it was harder to separate thinking and narration. And the gator metaphor is one that doesn't really ring with me. I mean, I understand what you mean, I think. But unfamiliarity keeps me from emotional empathy for the character. JS
Under different circumstances he would have preferred not to kill her. After all, she'd done the best she could for ten years. Faith - Bill
She was a bit crotchety in the early morning, of course, and an indifferent cook, but luckily he often slept late and had become an artist with the microwave oven.
However, the constant nagging about getting a real job was a different thing. Questioning his sacred vocation? No one dissed the Minister of the Open House Church of the Futuristic Jesus!
He'd resolved to slip the tomorrow worm into her bath that night. May Him have mercy.
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Could have been something but the last 2 paras lowered my interest levels, even the mystery of what the tomorrow worm is couldn't stop me from drifting away. "May Him have mercy" reads like a typo. -dpThe best line to open this with is the one about the tomorrow worm. This gets a first because it's the only one I voted for, and because you could have a winner with the worm thing. Good luck! --Josh
I didn't like this enough to put it in the top 3. I can't even pinpoin why, really, because I actually would read in. sfkittyb
See Death of Faith supra. - North
Okay, I suspect the MC isn't a Nice Person, but there's an over-the-top style to this that I like (the way I like "Fargo.") Open House Church of the Futuristic Jesus, indeed! lol. And the "tomorrow worm"? I really want to know how that works - The fact that you can slip something weird and speculative and apparently powerful into something as mundane as a bath is pretty intriguing. - Sure, I'd read on. - 3rd place -- SW
Not sure what to make of this one. I like the speculative hints, and "tomorrow worm" is interesting enough to make me want to read on to see what it is. SECOND, Gold Star. -- SA I gotta stop composing my entries a half hour before the deadline.
BA I'd turn the page, but the second paragraph hurt this one. I believe you're trying to setup how he's going to kill her. But it isn't connected, and kind of muddies things. -JS
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2006 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
