May 2006 Best Openings Contest
“People of Earth, your attention please! This is Prostetnic Vogon Gillon of the Galactic IMP Development Council bringing you the results of the May BoC – all right, who said at last? Guards! Take the studio audience outside and recite poetry at them until they confess. Right, as I was saying, the results of the May BoC are in and in first place with 10 points and coming to us from the legendary Nawlins, we have Marilyn Alm, while tied for second place we have both Lisa Mantchev from the rainforests of Washington State and Derek Patterson from the thoroughly rained-on Scotland, each pulling 9 votes for the month. Congratulations to Marilyn, Derek and Lisa, who may be excused from this evening’s poetry recital. For the rest of you we have my 37 volume cycle Mortifications on a Turgid Tome to look forward to – won’t that be fun?” Apologies for taking so much time to get things tabulated – I’d forgotten quite how much work is involved. I said I would be putting in an entry, in fact I put in two and I should apologise to Derek for including one that was clearly in the same territory as his entry. All votes for my entries have been discarded. The votes:
1st 2nd 3rd Voted Total Slipping Into Darkness - Marilyn Alm 6 1 3 10 Sale of Imaginary Gods - Lisa Mantchev 3 2 1 3 9 SIEGE OF THE HEART - Derek Paterson 3 2 1 3 9 The Shaytan Strategy - Bill Allan 2 1 3 6 Sophia Ahmed (voted only) 3 3 Land of Ice, Sea of Tears - David Gillon (ringer) Lady of Derrin - David Gillon (ringer)
Index Sale of Imaginary Gods - Lisa Mantchev
Land of Ice, Sea of Tears - David Gillon
The Shaytan Strategy - Bill Allan
Lady of Derrin - David Gillion
SIEGE OF THE HEART - Derek Paterson
Slipping Into Darkness - Marilyn Alm
This month's challenge, set by the BOC Administrator, was to write a "blurb" for the back cover of your novel, maximum 200 words.
Sometimes the best stuff at a yard sale is around the back. Sale of Imaginary Gods - Lisa Mantchev
§ A very nice title and a very nice hook. I assume from the length (and the advantage of knowing who the author is) that this is a short story, but title and blurb definitely open some intriguing options. I was strongly tempted to give this first, and I did say that a single sentence was viable, but even for a short story this doesn’t do more than tweak our interest. This is dangling a very shiny hook in the water, but I think it ultimately lacks the bait to make us bite down. So only second place. DG
Mine. I only have about 300 words and the title. I like the title. It's only going to be a short story, hence the brevity. *G* - LM
This grabbed me. If this were part of the back cover blurb, or a note across the front, I would very emphatically carry this over to the cafe and settle in to read the back blurb, the inside blurb, and quite possibly check out the first chapter., So where's the novel that goes with this blurb? First Place. MA
It's not a surprising statement. It sounds like advice you might give to a neighbour or friend. The title is very interesting, but the blurb doesn't do anything for it. It is the word "best" that is the problem - something along the lines of "most dangerous", as a bad example, would hook me more. THIRD for the title alone. - SA
Mmm, just a little too short and lacking in detail (obviously). It's gonna take more than this to make me open a book and start reading. Maybe if you'd included pretty artwork for the front cover, too? -dp
Somewhat intriguing, but a wee bit too brief to really pique my interest. Bill
The Antarctic Peninsula. As global warming drives back the ice a new goldrush beckons. Platinum, iridium, rare earth elements, the keys to the technologies shaping a new world are buried beneath a welter of conflicting territorial claims. Amid the new conflicts an older one rises from the depths, British and Argentinian warships spar on the waters of the Southern Ocean and in its depths fighter-subs probe for weaknesses and opportunities. Land of Ice, Sea of Tears - David Gillon
War is coming, a war that may spread far beyond the icy seas of Antarctica. There are mediators, structures for discussion, but the juggernaught has started to roll and the only people who can stop it may be a disgraced priest, a handful of veterans and one very singular AI.
§ Mine. Outgrowth of a short story I wrote a few years back just to illustrate a point about future naval warfare. Sometimes it’s when you are trying least that you end up with something worthwhile. This is something I’d really like to go back to when I have the time and the willpower. DG
So the first graf is background and the second is copy for the movie trailer. I can almost hear that guy (you know… the one that does the voiceovers!) reading it. Not bad at all, but a little melodramatic. Especially the last sentence. There are a few typos in there too… - LM
Military SF doesn't generally interest me, so it takes a really good blurb to get me to read further. Paragraph One on this didn't. But, since I had to keep reading for the sake of the exercise, I did. And Paragraph Two intrigued me. I want to know more about this disgraced priest. Who is he and why is he disgraced? Who are the veterans, other than "veterans"? And what about the "singular AI"? What makes it singular? In short—I'm interested in the people and how they interact. (This, for instance, is why David Weber's Honor Harrington stuff grabs me. His rather tedious (though lovingly crafted) battle scenes may appeal to the military mind. It's the characters which get my attention.) The characters in this one have the potential to get my attention. If I only knew more about them. MA
The story has lots of potential, but the way it is presented in the blurb doesn't work for me. The characters are introduced so late that they get little more than a "huh?" type reaction from me. There are problems with comma use that ruin the pace. If the author can write this story well, I'd trust them to rewrite this blurb to make it a lot more focused and catchy. - SA
Cute, reminded me of Moorcock in "Warlord of the Air" mode, I'd give it a go. –dp
Very capable blurb, though I don't think I can be convinced that the melting of the icecaps will yield anything but climactic chaos—if not the end of life on earth. Bill
Why does single mother Jillian Carter search desperately for a priest who was murdered in front of her five years before? And why does the detective who handled the case threaten her when she tries to get answers. Jillian must face evil forces beyond her comprehension as she struggles to save herself and her six-year-old son from the clutches of a deathless foe. The Shaytan Strategy - Bill Allan
§ For me this is a blurb in two halves. The first two sentences are really good at piquing the reader’s attention, but the final sentence, with ‘forces beyond her comprehension’ and ‘a deathless foe’, threatens cliché, If I knew that I could expect the writer of the first two sentences I’d certainly turn to the first page, but for the last sentence I’m not so sure. OTOH two good sentences of blurb show the author is entirely capable of revising the last sentence to meet the same standards. Reason enough to make this my third. DG
The first sentence's structure was complicated. The second sentence should also end with a question mark. I'd like a little more connection between the copy and the title... what SORT of deathless foe are we talking about here? Most book-blurbs are going to give more a hint about that. - LM
This caught my attention, but has a few typos, and raises a few questions which I think need to be answered. Jillian Carter saw this priest murdered. So, he's dead. One doesn't usually look for people who are dead. Hence, some event (which I, as a reader, need to know about) has to have tipped her off to the fact that he may not be dead. It's also an event which the police either don't know about or discount as being real. And clearly, the police detective knows more than he's letting on, and either (a) doesn't want her to know about because he knows more than he's letting on, and is afraid for her to get involved, or (b) he knows more than he is letting on and doesn't want her involved because he is involved and is Evil.
Question mark needed at end of "when she tries to get answers" since the sentence is asking a question. Second Place. MANot sure what to say about this one. Needs more specific detail to hook me; it's too vague about what the story will be about. I think Jillian needs a goal in addition to surviving. - SA
I'm not allergic to this, but it teased too much and didn't reveal enough for my liking. -dp
My poor effort. Bill
A generation ago the Border Legion fought the Western Horde to a standstill in the Eastern Marches of Derrin. Margrave Geyr and King Fulk stood side by side and the Plainsfolk wave broke on the rock of the Hawk and the Eagle. A generation of peace has passed since then and the season of war has come once more. But now Fulk is five years in his grave and Geyr is an old man, and this time Derrin faces not the Western Horde, but the Great Horde, the combined might of all the Plainsfolk clans, an unstoppable wave that has never known defeat. Geyr will stand beneath the Hawk banner for as long as he holds breath in his body, but this time there will be no Eagle to stand beside him and no victory, no chance for glory except to die well. Lady of Derrin - David Gillion
Derrin’s future lies under a Plainsfolk yoke; and in the hands of two young women, daughters to legendary fathers, one bred to rule, one bred to win.
§ I think every specfic writer has a fantasy trilogy tucked away in the back of their heads, Derrin is mine. It starts from a single premise: what do you do when you know that you are going to lose the next war? From there it touches on the fall of the Western Roman Empire, the Mongol Invasions, Arthurian legend, the ’45, and Occupied France in WWII, there are multiple intersecting story arcs, plucky heroines and the forces of light triumph in the end, it’s just such an intimidating amount of work to actually start writing. DG
Too much info in too little space. We're given a slew of names and places to remember, and the hook is buried in there somewhere. The last sentence really, REALLY works for me though. - LM
The first paragraph of this sets the background of the story.
The next sentence tells me absolutely nothing about the book I'm about to read.
Paragraph One caught my attention. I want to read more.
But in Paragraph Two, I know nothing about which daughter is bred to rule, and which daughter is bred to win. I don't know their names. I don't know anything about them which would make me want to continue to read.
So this one is mixed. Great catch, but failure to continue to intrigue. MAThe first paragraph felt unnecessary, and mentioned names and events that meant nothing. The relevant characters all appeared together in the final sentence - maybe blurb the story just from this point on? - SA
Another Moorcock lookalike but I liked this one much better. -dp
This did well till the kicker "one bred to rule, one bred to win," which I didn't quite get. Bill
The borders of the aged Taryph Empire have receded, leaving Castle Grymark isolated and friendless on the edge of the barren Ghostlands. SIEGE OF THE HEART - Derek Paterson
From the East comes rumors of a cunning barbarian Warlord whose murderous horde threatens to sweep out of the Ghostlands and lay waste to the Empire, destroying centuries of enlightened peace.
Felder, Lord of Grymark, rides out with his knights to vanquish this menace. But when the Gryphon fails to return his young wife, Elana, the Lady of the Rose, must prepare for the worst even as she nurses her broken heart.
Messengers are dispatched to the Empire to give warning and request reinforcements. Castle Grymark's remaining defenders fortify her ancient walls and gates in expectation of the barbarian horde's arrival. But nothing happens.
Then out of the Ghostlands rides a young knight, wounded and near death, who claims he fought alongside the Gryphon until he fell in battle. Lady Elana helps nurse Wellyn back to health, and his gentle manner in turn helps lighten her heavy heart. But none can recall this knight, and fears arise that he may be a spy sent by the Warlord to assess Castle Grymark's defenses... or to weaken its Lady's resolve.
§ This is firmly in classic fantasy territory, but it’s a little too classic for me. I’ve tended to turn away in recent years from fantasy that seems to be more of the same-old same-old and this doesn’t really promise anything startlingly new. You are working against my own prejudices here, so running at a disadvantage, but in the end this doesn’t really do it for me. DG
It should either be "come rumors" or "comes a rumor"... The real blurb (that is, the part that interested me) was the last paragraph. Serious hookage there. Although the title does suggest... erm... a bodice-ripper. Second place vote. G - LM
This has some definite possibilities. However, there are some punctuation issues which caused me to stop and have to re-read to make sense of it. (Comma between "Gryphon fails to return" and "his young wife".)
Typically, if you are on the fringe of a receding Empire, it's anything but peaceful. The Gryphon and the Lady of the Rose were a team working to keep the boundaries intact. Is there a symbolism here that relates to the story?
My suspicion is that although messengers may be sent, Elana has no expectation of receiving aid.
I would like to see this novel. Third Place. MASounded like generic fantasy at first, but I like the unexpected knight in the last paragraph. The blurb overall needs to be tightened up. - FIRST. - SA
Kinda retro '60s/'70s fantasy, Moorcock did it better. -dp
This seems a bit complex and detailed—perhaps more of a synopsis of the book's first 50 pages than a blurb. Bill
The year is 2149. The High Council has been governing a United Terra for 160 years, gradually building a utopian society in which no one wants for anything, expansion into space is proceeding, and the biodiversity of all Earth is respected. Geneticist Callie McCaffrey is a contented member of the middle-class Conservative strata of society, with two loves: the Wild Zones of North America, and her quest to find the genetic markers for both magick and extra-sensory perception. Slipping Into Darkness - Marilyn Alm
Gifted herself, with the ability to find what she's looking for, Callie strikes off into the wilderness when she discovers that the High Council plans to use her discoveries to marginalize and enslave those who are not "normal". Rather than see her work misused, she seeks a place to implement her Pegasus program the way she intended, to help people, not hurt them. In the heart of the Canadian Rockies, she encounters those with whom she can do just that. But sometimes, the universe has a sense of humour about what constitutes "help", even as the world is Slipping Into Darkness.
§ This has a definite resonance; with a heroine called McCaffrey, gifted characters and a project called Pegasus it’s not difficult to see where the author’s influences lie. That’s no bad thing in a blurb, it clearly establishes the kind of book we can expect. Nor does the blurb shout everything from the rooftops – a 160 year old world government in 2149 says that the author can do subtle as well. Even though I’m not sure the book itself would appeal to my current tastes I’m going to give this first for doing what blurbs should do. DG
Where is the rest of this book, dammit? First place. - LM
No comment. This one's mine. MA
This doesn't hook me. The story world and characters come across as too obviously black and white. The blurb needs tightening - the only thing interesting about an utopian society in fiction, IMO, is who doesn't agree with it, so perhaps skip the description in the first paragraph.
Why is her personal quest important to her? I think this needs to focus on the important things and not on vague background and allusions to what will happen. And, McCaffrey, Pegasus? The names suggest a derivative story and put me off the most, sorry. – SA
I'm not allergic to this, but truth to tell it didn't grab me by the throat and demand I open the book. -dp
Could perhaps use a little more oomph, but I liked the described premise enough to award this entry Third Place. Bill
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2006 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.