March 2006 Best Openings Contest

March 2006 Best Openings Contest

First I have to comment upon the fact that yes, the Adminatrix entered this month's BOC. I extended the deadline and didn't receive any more entries. I didn't like the idea of postponing and was uncertain as to how to go about adding "ringers", so I typed something out, added it to the file and there you have it. Any points awarded to my entry will not be calculated towards the quarterly total. They are only included here so that you can see how it fared against the rest of the entries this month.

I also have to comment on the participation overall. I received four entries, and four sets of votes. It simultaneously does and does not bother me that response was so low this month. It does, because it's more fun and more helpful when lots of people enter. It doesn't, because we're all adults here, with Real Life Stuff going on. Still, it looked kinda sad this month. Seriously, folks.

And unless I've missed something, I haven't seen any finished entries from last month posted to the private IMP section (although Kendra, I know you e-mailed one version to me... please post it in the private section for feedback when you feel you're ready!)

Now, after that tirade, here are the results. First goes to Kendra, with "Take Two and Howl in the Morning", second to David with "Changeling" and a nice third place tie to Derek with "Crunchers, Part II" and Jack with "Forty-Two".


Lis, BOC Adminatrix
March BOC Voting Breakdown:
                                                 1st 2nd 3rd Voted Total
Take Two and Howl in the Morning - Kendra Black   3   2   -    3     8
Changeling - David Gillon                         -   6   1    -     7
Crunchers, Part II - Derek Paterson               -   -   1    3     4
Forty-Two - Jack Serin                            -   -   1    3     4
Intergalactic Showdown - Lisa Mantchev            9           n/a   n/a
Sophia Ahmed (voted only)                         -   -   -    3     3

Index
Take Two and Howl in the Morning - Kendra Black
Changeling - David Gillon
Crunchers, Part II - Derek Paterson
Forty-Two - Jack Serin
Intergalactic Showdown at Check Stand One - Lisa Mantchev


Take Two and Howl in the Morning - Kendra Black

      "Next!"
      Kiren shuffled forward along with the rest of the line, stumbling slightly as a sweaty, garlicky man cut in front of her.
      "Hey - I was -" she started, then sighed and subsided. She was sure he had a good reason for being so rude. Maybe he had a very sick baby at home, or was suffering from some sort of withdrawal symptoms. Whatever it was, she could wait the extra 15 minutes for the pharmacist to deal with him - she had been waiting almost 3 years for a permanent cure to keep her furless during the full moon.
      "Next!"
      The pharmacist looked at her expectantly as she dug in her pocketbook for her prescription. Finally, he said with some exasperation - "Can I help you??"
      "Umm - yes? I’m Kiren Skout? I called in a prescription a few hours ago?"
      The pharmacist turned to look at the shelves with a snort. She could clearly hear him muttering under his breath.
      "Damn imbeciles - come in 2 minutes before closing and then drag their feet in line - Skout, Skout, now where the hell is that bag?"
      Frowning, Kiren begin to count backwards in her head.
      "The new moon was on the 12th, and it’s only the 22nd - I shouldn’t have any symptoms this early."
      The pharmacist returned, and dropped her bag on the counter, eying her suspiciously.
      "That’ll be 12.34, please."
      She extended a twenty, and he glanced at her nails, then back up at her.
      "I’m not contagious."
      "12.34, please."

§

Well done, this piece. Only complaint is that Kiren says, "I shouldn't have symptoms this early" but you never actually made any symptoms clear. (My guess is that super-hearing is suppose to be the clue?) So, you could cut that line (and the one above it about counting) and not affect the story at all. - JS

Mine - KB

I liked this as an opening to the story. Kiren comes across as resigned, but I liked her, and feel she is due a change in her life. The early symptoms are a good hook, although I don't have any sense of what will happen next. The last line felt wasted; she's already extended the money, and if the pharmacist is simply trying to ignore her words, he could just say so, instead. (He doesn't seem the diplomatic type, after all!) I would definitely read on. FIRST. - SA

Not allergic to this, but I've maybe seen too many werewolf openings over the years. That's not to say it's unpleasant and I wouldn't read on, but overfamiliarity loses author a vote. -dp

The idea behind this is a good one, but it gets bogged down by some of the description and dialogue. My first question is "why the heck would our heroine go to such a jerk to get her 'script filled?" followed by "unless it was an emergency, which it didn't seem like it." So there was a lack of tension that could be immediately solved by making it VERY close to the next full moon. Say that Kiren had her next round of meds, and they were stolen or lost. She has until that evening, and this is the only pharmacy open in town. That gives us a serious sense of urgency, sympathy for the main character AND an immediate obstacle (ie the pharmacist.) Fix and finish, I command thee! - Adminatrix

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Changeling - David Gillon

      I climbed the rank staircase slowly, heading for the noise and the lights. Curious faces watched me from cracked-open doorways on the landings and there was a background of whispered conversation. It wasn’t English, Albanian I thought, or something like it. English conversation echoed down to me from above, the gallows humour of cops working a murder scene.  The noise of someone retching warned me what to expect as I turned onto the last flight of stairs, but the officer vomiting out of the window wasn’t the green probationer I had expected, it was a uniformed constable in his fifties, someone who should have seen it all and been able to laugh it off.  It took an awful lot to turn a man like that green about the gills and I steeled myself for what I would find inside.
      My new detective sergeant met me at the door. She looked green too, but in her case that’s the natural skin tone of a dryad. Green skin and artificial light don’t go together, she looked like the dead had risen, rather than someone who had stepped out of a tree the day the Masquerade fell. DS Rowan Ashtree – dryad names can be terribly literal – had been a DS for precisely three days, thanks to the latest wave of positive discrimination intended to foster human-sidhe integration. She had been my DS since this morning and so far all I knew about her was that she was desperate to justify her unjustifiable appointment.

§

I'm intrigued, but feeling a little distanced by the technical quality to the writing. I noticed the protagonist used "probationer" which is *staggeringly* formal compared to most veteran work environments that I've been in or read of, so it's either a character quirk or a characterization mistake. No change required, but think about it. A confusing syntactic structure 3rd sentence. "It wasn't English, Albanian, I thought." Probably a typo but high impact, to me. - JS

Great start - a cross between CSI and Fae, and I love CSI. - KB

The first paragraph kept me reading, although I did stumble over placing what conversation was coming from where. The second paragraph stopped the story. I think the information in it would be better given interspersed throughout the story at key moments, rather than info-dumped here. I'd prefer to see the dryad's behaviour at the crime scene as well as hints of her personality and professional ability, while establishing the problem and getting the plot going. There were some problems with comma misuse. I'd read on. - SECOND. - SA

There was overfamiliarity in this opening too, hardened cops throwing up hinting that something ghastly awaits, and the cross-species thing -- heck, I've written openings like this myself -- but together, who knows, could work, I'm willing to turn the page and give this one a chance. SECOND. -dp

First off, I got hung up on the phrase "rank staircase"... what makes a staircase rank? Is there a smell coming off it? Is it mildewing? It just seemed like an improbable description, and it's right there in the first sentence. I think this is another opening that has a great idea behind it, but the action starts like it would in a movie. I can see all this happening (almost too well, especially the bit about the yakking cop...) and the words seem more like a movie voice-over than the opening to a story. I would take the situation ("Rowan Ashtree had been my DS since this morning, and she was desperate to prove herself") and run, run, run with it. Use the dialogue between them to slip in bits of backstory. But that is just my opinion. *G* Fix and finish, I command thee! - Adminatrix

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Crunchers, Part II - Derek Paterson

      Tracking Nirdis down hadn't been easy.  She would only communicate with TAC-C on her own terms: a monthly squirt on the twenty-six centimeter band, impossible to pick out of the stellar mush unless you knew exactly when and where to look.  TAC-C didn't get to assign her tasks, they simply accepted whatever she chose to send them, and accepted it gladly.  Typical Nirdis, always the prima donna, showing him up.  But he'd called in favors and gained access to a stood-down military observation post in Abandoned Space.  Using the post's facilities—despite its official status its hyperlinks remained intact—it took him over a week to cut through multi-sandwiched encryption layers to ascertain her location.
      And of all places, Nirdis had taken refuge on this graveyard world.  He found it difficult to believe this was accidental, yet couldn't accept she might have calculated his coming here.  She was good.  She was better than good.  But the actions of an individual couldn't be crunched, not even by her.
      He made his way across the cratered landscape until he came upon what was left of the Station.  Some of the walls stood intact while others had been punched down and scattered.  Others still were pock-marked by small arms fire.  An echo of the massacre that had taken place here.  He'd told his therapists about the nightmares.  His guilt, they assured him, was perfectly understandable; he'd survived while the rest of the Station's personnel had been slaughtered.

§

Feels like context is missing. Nirdis sounds like a high-grade freelancer, and "can't crunch an individual" suggests a hint, but Nirdis could be a criminal, a reporter, or a consultant. - JS

Okay, first - what happened to part one? Bounty hunter, maybe? It sounds good - I hope it picks up in the next 250 words though. - KB

This opening was hard to follow the first time I read it. Linking it with the first part last week, helped, although it took me a few reads to get what exactly the first paragraph was saying. I don't think that making this all exposition was the best choice. It feels dry and unemotional, and with the numerous new terms given, kept me distanced. A shocking thought expressed in the MC's voice would have been enough to balance it, I think. I would have liked the stood-down military observation post's hyperlink facilities to not be intact; a bit of work on the MC's part there would have added a layer of interest to him and a more plausible feel to the situation without changing the word count much. If he couldn't believe she had predicted his movement, I'd like a sense of danger: the MC moving with hands on guns, or something. Up the tension everywhere, basically. I'd read on. - THIRD. - SA

Mine. The tedious narrative continues. -dp PS - silly me, I thought we were supposed to continue the story started in last month's BOC. Hence the "Part II" because my February BOC entry was Part I. Big oops.

There are certainly pieces of this that are working for me (the incongruity, for example, of phrases like "monthly squirt" and "stellar mush".) The idea of a graveyard world is intriguing. But the only thing that actually happened was that Nirdis walked across the cratered landscape; everything else is description and back story. More KAPOW and BLAMMO needed to hook me in, please. - Adminatrix

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Forty-Two -Jack Serin

      Charlie waited for the plane to pull away from the gate.  She occupied herself by comparing the various sensations of being followed.   The key, she thought, was in how you responded to it.
      The initial bafflement had actually been low stress.  The idea of being followed had been so foreign that she couldn't believe it enough to worry.  Then came high-stress paranoia with the certainty that someone was keeping an eye on her.  But when no real threat materialized, she'd gradually calmed down again and gotten back into her work. Until the "incident."
      She fiddled with the seat-tray latch, remembering the officers explaining that her that the break-in had just been some overexhuberant teens.  Nothing had been touched, they had said.  But the piles on her desk were subtly different when she sat down at her computer.   And the stress was back.
      The decision to run brought with it a different kind of worry.  Worry that someone would try to stop her, or worse that somehow she'd be stopped when she got to Chicago.
      But she'd made it so far.  The attendant heaved the big door shut, the plane lurched, and a few minutes later Charlie was in the air and smiling.
      She was away.  Saved on her iPod was all the answers to Life, the Universe and Everything.  It was gibberish without the right questions, of course.   But now she'd have time to figure those out.  And maybe help.  She hoped.

§

Something wrong with the buildup of tension. And not enough "show" for the "tell." - JS

*grins* Of course, the simple fact that it's named Forty-Two gives it a lot to live up to - but it's a good start. - KB

This half catches my attention, but needs tightening and an increase in tension to really draw me in. The final paragraph made the opening feel too self-contained to hook me. I have the impression that this will be using ideas from Douglas Adams' books rather than using the author's, and so will be unsurprising. The mention of the iPod distracted me. Should be "explaining to her" in the third paragraph. I might read on. - SA

Title and HHGTTG reference seemed gratuitous but they might work better within the bigger story. Reads OK but I wanted some proof, quickly, that would confirm protag isn't on meds. -dp

Ditto what Derek said. I like the idea that someone would have all the answers, but I don't think you need the Hitchhiker's references to pull this one off. It can be all you, baby! *G* - Adminatrix

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Intergalactic Showdown at Check Stand One - Lisa Mantchev

      The alien cut in front of Cara with a "meep meep mumbledy frak" and then unloaded at least thirty cans of cat food and seven cartons of nonfat cottage cheese on the conveyor belt when the sign overhead clearly stated "10 Items or Less".
      Cara hefted her basket (a package of California rolls; bottle of red wine; a loaf of low-carb bread) higher on her arm and swallowed her indignation along with her gum.  The newcomers to the planet had a difficult enough time adjusting without getting a taste of good ol' fashioned American intolerance.
      The man behind her (a case of Miller Lite in one hand, a frozen pizza under his arm and a roll of antacids clutched in his other hand) had no such compunction.  He snorted, shifted his feet and shook his head.
      "Gawdamn foreigners."
      Cara studied the rack of impulse buys and said nothing, even when the alien pulled a wad of coupons from its fanny pack and waved thirteen tentacles at the harassed checker, apparently arguing over ten cents on the Salmon-Flavored Frisky Kitties.
      "Meep click bumbledy um!"
      "I'm sorry, but that coupon is expired—"
      "Clickity snap crackle MEEP!"
      The checker sighed and reached for the telephone.
      "Manager to check stand one please, manager to check stand one for override."
      Beer Pizza Rolaids nearly exploded with impatience.  "Just give it the freaking ten cents already! I'm missing the damn game!"
      The manager arrived, tazer in hand.  "Is there a problem here?"

§

We are amused. - JS

*laughs* Love it. I think I know who wrote it too, and I really would like to see this one finished. - KB

Clear enough what's going on, but there is no point to it, in a plot sense, and no characterisation. Also, this isn't speculative fiction. Substitute a human foreigner for the alien and you'd have exactly the same opening. I wouldn't read on. - SA

Cute, executed nicely, I trust author enough to deliver more cute/funny on the next page. FIRST. -dp

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All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2006 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.