Okay, I got a little carried away with the intro. Deal with it. January 2006 Best Openings Contest
MUSE OF A CERTAIN AGE by Susan Wing
My muse was having a bad hair day. She banged the blow dryer against the wall of the downstairs bathroom, and took out her frustration on my metaphors.
"'White as the driven minivan'?" I read the latest draft in disbelief.
"Flat, flat, flat!" she wailed.
Two days living with a goddess and I was close to hanging up my laptop. A teacher's contract and a second-grade classroom was looking pretty good right now.
"Limp and lifeless!"
"You're telling me. Jeez, will you listen to this: 'The road was a ribbon of lax linguini.' Callie, what were you thinking?"
"Frizzy and out of control!"
It had been so much easier dealing with her via email. I'd post a prompt and bingo! Characters would flesh out, settings would come to life. But this story had felt different from the beginning--shy, and elusive, just plain uncooperative. So I'd asked for a meet-up.
Silly me. Don't know what I was thinking, like maybe a deity would pull up in a taxi, and she'd be wearing a trench coat over her drapes and wheeling an overnight bag with an "Olympia" logo?
Yeah, sure. If a taxi could fly and neigh.
Let's back up to last Saturday night. Ridgewood High was hosting Cedar Park and leading at the half, when a high-pitched whinny drowned out the marching band. "Incoming!" yelled the drum major in disbelief as the tubas hit the dirt, the crowd cheered, and a huge mother of a winged horse took out the home goal posts on his final approach.
I was helping out in the concession stand. I also was the only one there who recognized the horse's rider. I more or less tossed an order of fries at the sophomore who'd requested them and tore onto the field.
Pegasus was pooping on the forty-yard line, and the assembled multitudes were giving our visitors a wide berth. Calliope surveyed the scene with head held high, in regal certainty that the prostration of the Ridgewood Marching Band's brass section was clear recognition of her godly status.
"Hi!" I yelled.
"Gwendolyn?" she said.
"Yes, that would be me."
"Excellent. I have arrived. Your artistic future is assured. But first, permit me to share with you the results of the January BOC!""You're kidding."
"Indeed not." She winked at the trumpet section sprawled at her feet, and gave a little shimmy as she pulled a scroll from her bodice.
"For the first time in recent memory, we have a three-way tie for First Place!"
"You're kidding."
"Indeed not. Last-minute votes from Ms. Chaffee created this wondrous event. The winners are: William Allan for 'Blood Brothers,' Derek Paterson for 'Sporran's Bane,' and Jack Serin for 'Fierce the Spirit of Her Waters.'"
"Hurray!!!!!" yelled the crowd, who recognized a triumphant moment, even without a touchdown.
"And further acclaim should be granted to Lisa Mantchev and David Gillon, who also received votes! And to Dri Chaffee and Sophia Ahmed for reading and commenting!"
By this time the band had struggled to their feet and were approximating the Notre Dame Fight Song.
"But wait, there's more!" she called over the din. In the calm that followed, her whisper carried to the far corners of the field:
"The BOC quarterly results have been tallied. In third place, a new IMP, Jack Serin, one point ahead of Bill Allan. In the coveted second-place position: Derek Paterson. And our new BOC Administrator (and inheritor of all my best cast-off drapes when I finish this job) is Lisa Mantchev!" (which was the signal for a deafening Sousa march medley).
"Way to go, Lisa!" I said. "And she'll adore the drapes, really. But now we need to get to work. Park your horse in the barn over there; there should be plenty of room next to the flats for 'The Sound of Music.'"
I took the scroll from Calliope and handed it to the drum major. The next morning, he posted the following tallies on the school website:January 2006 BOC Votes
(Note: Under each "place," I listed number of points, not number of votes. And -- Despite special instructions for this month, some readers insisted on giving third-place votes, or skipped second and gave two thirds -- which is why the tallies look a Bit Odd. I figure participation trumps strict adherence to rules)
Total 1st 2nd 3rd Voted Writer Entry 12 9 3 William Allan Blood Brothers 12 3 4 2 3 Derek Paterson Sporran's Bane 12 3 6 3 Jack Serin Fierce the Spirit of Her Waters 9 3 2 1 3 Lisa Mantchev Perfect Tense 6 3 3 David Gillon Renaissance 3 3 Sophia Ahmed (voted only) 3 3 Adrienne Chaffee (voted only)QUARTERLY TALLY through January 2006
Points Writer 37 Lisa Mantchev 32 Derek Paterson 25 Jack Serin 24 Bill Allan 19 David Gillon 16 North (cardinaldog) 13 Marilyn Alm 10 Kendra Black 9 Josh Langston 9 Jon S. Woolf 9 Sophia Ahmed (voted only) 3 Adrienne Chaffee (voted only)
Index 1) BLOOD BROTHERS by William Allan
2) RENAISSANCE
3) FIERCE THE SPIRIT OF HER WATERS
4) PERFECT TENSE
5) SPORRAN'S BANE
1) BLOOD BROTHERS by William Allan
"I’m out, Red." Dickson knew his glare wouldn’t give Red much pause, but hate was what he had.
Red’s lip curled into a lopsided smile, a disfigurement that revealed one razor-sharp canine.
"Fresh start, huh?" Then a dry chuckle escaped Red’s throat. "Nobody gets out, Dicky-boy."
The others were watching from the bar, and though the light was dim, Dickson could see the burning in their eyes. The pack smelled blood.
"I said I’m out." And now Dickson felt the burning in his own brain, the burning that preceded the change, but he’d found that the burning, and the change, could be controlled. Nora’s love had taught him that, and more. He pulled the Magnum revolver from its shoulder holster.
"Oh. Wow." Red’s sarcastic smile grew wider and sharper.
"45 calibre, and silver, you freak."
"Tell me, Dicky-boy, are you planning to take your bitch with you?"
Red glanced over his shoulder at the others, and one of them twisted a barstool around to reveal Nora sitting there, wrists bound and eyes terrified.
§ I spent my time while reading trying to figure out what sort of creatures I was reading about. Which isn't a bad thing, but if you don't want your reader mentally wandering off on tangents, a little more detail might be in order. :-) My guesstimate is that we're talking about werewolves -- clues were pack, the razor-sharp canine, talking of change, silver bullets, and "bitch", which can be used either to refer to a female canine or used as an insult. -Dri.
This is perfectly reasonable, but in a couple of places it descends into cliché and it would do better without that. ‘Nora’s love had taught him that,’ just has to go. ‘curled into a lopsided smile’ isn’t quite as bad,but equally I can’t see why it would be considered a disfigurement as Most of us use lopsided smiles in our normal range of expressions. There’s potential here, but werewolf packs are passé enough you have to make it something special and steer as far from cliché as you possibly can. DG
My heart fluttered when Nora was revealed! Please don't let anything happen to her! Nice allusion to werewolves without saying it. Liked the setup, got me into the story and concerned for the characters quickly. FIRST. Having cast my vote and said why, I might have preferred a more informative build-up to this scene. -dp
A tense situation that flows easily, although it feels very familiar from TV and films. I would read on a little, but I'm not drawn in because I'm expecting the story to be unsurprising. - SA
Mine. Bill
WHOOOO!!! Me likes! Me wants more! First place! J - LM
I'd totally turn the page. It seems like something could be missing, but I couldn't say for sure unless I read more, so carry on. 1st place. JS
Smoothly written, and nice pace to revelation of the situation (e.g. significant of canine isn't clear until end, when use "bitch" takes on another level of meaning). No nits. I'd keep reading. -Admin
2) RENAISSANCE
“If you tell me ‘it’ll soon be over’ one more time I swear I’ll get up off this bed, rip your bloody head off and pee down your neck!”
My husband blanched. I knew how he felt about me, that I was too passive, too willing to let other people walk all over me. Well say hello to the new me.
Another contraction hit and I screamed until I though that my lungs must burst. The midwife made the mistake of giving me her hand as she told me to push and I saw her wince as I ground her fingers together.
Suddenly everything stopped and there was the wail of another set of healthy lungs as the doctor lifted my daughter into the light. They brought her to me after a moment, laying her on my chest so that I stared into the infinite depths of her eyes. I swore in that moment that I would defend her to the last breath in my body. Look out world, momma’s here…
§ I chuckled at the first paragraph -- how many women have sworn vengeance on their dearly beloved husbands for causing them to be in their current state of hard labor? My own labors were easy, so I couldn't relate to that, but what struck a chord with me was the new beginning that signifies motherhood. There is no more staunch defender than a mother for her child. I'd like to see more of this -- we get the hint that she was something of a milquetoast, but motherhood has put some backbone into her. First place. -Dri
Mine. Beginnings, births, re-births. It seemed an obvious progression. DG
An interesting experience to be sure, I'm still having sympathetic pains, but I've no idea what the story might be about or who the players might be. Sure, that's not obligatory, but other entries had this, so they got the votes. -dp
An ordinary person doing an ordinary thing, with no tension, no speculative element and very little conflict. Why should I read on? "though" should be "thought" in the third paragraph. A couple of missing commas meant the writing didn't quite flow well. - SA
Lots of energy here, and that's good, but I think for the unnamed momma to be sympathetic we should see the passive side of her personality and her husband's condescending attitude first--we’re told not shown. Then perhaps the writer might put that first frenetic sentence last for a nice end-of-opening-grabber. Bill
Since I wrote the other baby-oriented entry this month, I feel a little weird saying that this one didn't push any of my buttons, good or bad. I felt the scenario was familiar, and kept waiting for the something-out-of-the-ordinary to happen, but it never did. - LM
It's good, it meets the idea of beginning clearly, but it's also"just" a birth scene. New Life, but so what? Why do I turn the page? Because momma's about to hold off a horde of aliens with a tuna casserole? Because momma's about to stake a vampire to a poker game in vegas? JS
I really, really don't like unattributed dialogue. Especially as the opening sentence. A simple indication of location or situation with a key word like "contraction" or "delivery room" might hint at the speaker. The situation is real and believable -- but not particularly interesting on its own -- Add some speculative elements, however, and the universal quality of childbirth will work to your advantage. - Admin
3) FIERCE THE SPIRIT OF HER WATERS
To Shilly, the second day was best.
"I hated that day," her brother cried. "That was when we ran out of desertpaks!"
Which was true, Shilly thought, but it was still the best day since the trip began.
"I'm thirsty," Shilly said.
"Shut up! Pirates don't get thirsty!"
There had been pirates the first day, which was the first day wasn't best. They'd scared Momma, who'd hidden the kids in the pod with food, and then gone back for more, and then there was a loud awful noise.
"I don't want to be a pirate. I'm thirsty! Pod, orange juice!"
"Kids can't work the synth, dummy."
Shilly scowled. "You do it! I want juice."
"I can't," he admitted. "Only grownups."
They'd pretended to be grownups on the fourth day.
"Here," he said, giving her some water. "Last waterpak. Last anypak."
Shilly drank half, then noticed her brother watching. "Want some?"
"Finish it," he said.
"What do we eat tomorrow?"
He shrugged.
"I'm having a desertpak," Shilly said, lying down.
"We'll see."
The lifepod drifted on.
§ This wasn't bad, and the dialogue kept me reading, but I found myself wishing for more details about who and where they were. Two kids, stowed in a lifepod by their mother, who apparently went back into the main ship (in space?) and didn't survive a pirate attack? The lifepod apparently detached and is now drifting. I'd probably read a little more to see if they get rescued, but unless it got more interesting quickly I probably wouldn't finish. - Dri
Interesting, but it has some problems. The first one is almost certainly a spelling error: ‘desertpaks’ instead of ‘dessertpaks’, neologisms need to be obvious and this one wasn’t. If we’re talking sweet-sugary-afters as opposed to sandy-dry-places then that second ‘s’ is absolutely vital. In fact I think you can manage without using the neologisms at all, dessert and water would work equally well. The second problem is more fundamental, even after reading it several times I can’t decide if we’re in Shilly’s viewpoint or omniscient. Most of it reads like Shilly’s viewpoint, but lines like ‘To Shilly, the second day was best’ and ‘The lifepod drifted on’ seem more omniscient. A third problem is the timing and tenses: ‘To Shilly, the second day was best’ sounds like present tense, but ‘They'd pretended to be grownups on the fourth day.’ is definitely past tense. The contents are promising, but as it currently stands the end result is confusing. Still, different enough that it’s my second place for the month. DG
Could be something. Cute dialogue. Very vague start however. When compared with other entries, I mean. So they got the votes. -dp
A good speculative situation and lots of potential for a story. I'm not sure how well-equipped the children are to be active protagonists in it, but I'd read on to see what happens. SECOND. - SA
Well, after the first read, I was ready to dismiss this as a confusing talking-heads piece with a pretentious title. But after the second, I was attributing some of the confusion to the intimated age of the characters, and after a third, the conflict of these abandoned kids won me over, and I even thought the title might work if the depth of the story supported it. That said, a little infodump is not necessarily a bad thing--describe this desert a wee bit, impart to the reader which kid is older, that sort of thing. Don't make us poor readers work too hard! First Place. Bill
First off, great title. This opening really worked for me until the very last line, which I thought yoinked the majority of the tension away and didn't have anything to do with the immediate life-or-death situation the kids are facing. Much better to have ended with a sudden noise or crash landing or something that makes us sit up and go AND THEN WHAT?!?! Still, places second. - LM
Excellent! Totally a first prize effort. Except that Shilly is a bizarre name. Even I think so. Denied!! JS
The situation certainly contains conflict, and the dialogue is believable. A bit more setting early on might focus this opening - okay if the pod is floating in space, but the story needs to be anchored, IMO. My biggest problems was with the kids -- I actually found them pretty creepy -- sure, kids can ignore a crisis and treat it like a game -- but no sympathetic progagonist (IMO, anyway) would ignore the fact that his/her mother had not returned for four days. Unless they're cyborgs, they have to be pretty scared by now -- and this opening make them seem downright self-centered and heartless. Just my two cents. But the situation shows promise. - Admin.
The door to my dorm room burst open and a woman (me, from the future) strode over the industrial carpeting and grabbed me by the front of my t-shirt. 4) PERFECT TENSE
Behind her, a baby wailed and I could smell dog shit.
"Do you hear that?" she screamed. Her hair stuck out at all angles like she'd rubbed a vial of superglue through it. "THAT, my girl, is your FUTURE. Nothing but CRAP as far as the eye can see."
As scared as I was, I sneaked a look over her shoulder.
"My future?"
She nodded.
"With a baby?" My eyes got a little misty at the thought.
"Are you deaf?" she said. "That ain't a fncking monkey!"
I thought this over for a moment. An open IM window blinked on the computer screen. A few keystrokes and Ben would be over here with the fire department, the cops and the men with little white jackets.
§ A time doorway is an interesting concept. One major nit that stopped me in my tracks was in the first sentence with "(me, from the future)". How did this girl know that the woman was her future self? Why did she decide to appear to her younger self in her dorm room? Was that particular day at university a turning point in her life? There's not enough detail to go on. The profanity was also a turn-off, but that's personal preference. - Dri
A strong character and an interesting take on the message from the Future cliché. ‘(me, from the future)’ is probably a little too blunt an info-dump, and ‘IM window’ may not be apparent to everyone (I had to think twice), but beyond that it’s a sound opening. There’s a definite impression that future-narrator would like to educate the narrator about what she’s getting herself into and that she really should have second thoughts, but you never actually say it aloud. I can’t decide if that’s good or bad, which probably ears it could be either depending on how you play the rest of it. Definitely my first for the month. DG
Made me smile, and wonder what I might have told myself if I could go back... Anyways, that "(me, from the future)" in the first line threatened to derail the opening, but it recovered and delivered a bit of fun. SECOND. -dp
The "(me, from the future)" line didn't work for me, as it spoiled the surprise and made me wonder how the narrator knew it. The mention of the monkey confused me. There is humour, but I'm not drawn in yet. I'd read on, though, as Lis' stories are usually different and interesting. :) - SA
Another energetic piece that didn't quite grab me. A young woman confronted by her older and jaded--is that a strong enough word for the beleaguered time traveller?--self. Sorry, I need a bit more to turn the page. Bill
Mine. This one's done and been submitted/rejected a few times. Hasn't grabbed an editor by the short ones yet, and perhaps it never will! *G* - LM
I'd turn the page. There's the "Me (from the future)" and there's the Ben, a moment away with rescue and men with butterfly nets. What will she do?? (Hi Lisa!! Vote for me!!) -JS
Intriguing situation, but I feel dumped into a situation that needs more intro, e.g. how does the POVC know it's "me from the future" unless she's aware of a time-gate phenomenon or other weirdness working in her life. IOW, I can see her future self bursting in, with the MC shocked by facing a person who's (apparently) her twin. I don't know enough about the MC to care about her, to know her desires, or to see the future self as a true contrast. Without that knowledge, the MC comes across in this scene as pretty vague and passive, and not nearly as interesting as the future self. I like time travel/time paradox stores -- but they're tricky to pull off well. Admin.
5) SPORRAN'S BANE
As His Highness King Sporran the Seventh majestically climbed the steps of the Red Cockerel Tavern, the inn's gaudily painted sign fell off its bracket and spattered his Royal brains abroad. Who would have thought a single rusty nail could turn the realm upside-down and begin a new chapter of history?
The King's incensed bodyguards marched the unfortunate innkeeper outside and beheaded him on the spot. Customers were arrested upon suspicion of Regicide and despite protests of innocence were turned over to the Grand Inquisitor. Thumbscrews and hot irons awaited them in Val-de-Har's dungeons. The King's advisers were blameless, of course. They'd suggested they keep riding so they reached Val-de-Har before evening, but Sporran had insisted they stop for an ale, and the King's word was law.
The news spread like wildfire across the length and breadth of the Kingdom. And beyond. Before the King's body was even put to flame, heliograph messages from border outposts warned of movement to north and east. The Elves were marching. Thousands of 'em.
§ I like fantasy stories, so this was appealing. The incongruous end to the royal personage was different -- no noble charge into the fray, no slipping off the mortal coil, old and full of years with his heir by his side. No, he's a guy who stopped to get a drink and got fatally beaned by a sign, a one-in-a-million chance. Toss in the Enemies getting wind of potential instability in a kingdom, and the stage is set for an interesting story, if it's told correctly. We don't see the main character yet, but the set up was well done, enough to keep me reading. Second place. --Dri
I liked this one in spite of myself. I can’t get over a King called Sporran, it all made a sort of cockeyed sense. My only, but big, question is whether the tone could be sustained for an entire story. DG
Mine. Trawled from the darkest depths of my PC, dusted off, fiddled with, thrown away, dragged back, cleaned up, and submitted under protest. -dp
Very funny opening, and I'd definitely read on. I don't know whether I liked the Zulu reference in the last line or not -- on one hand, more laughs, on the other, it was more distance from any particular character I could focus on. Well-written, and gets a clear FIRST. - SA
I enjoyed the humor, but the opening had a narrative-summary feel, and the last sentence seemed like a hurry-up-and-insert-some-imminent-conflict element. And why does the narrator suddenly use the contraction "'em" when "them" was used earlier? Still, I might turn the page for a glimpse of the portended action. Second Place. Bill
Hee hee.... Isn't a sporran a Scottish badgerskin crotch purse for guys? *looks at Derek* This was a great opening in the vein of Terry Pratchett, although the rhyming title doesn't win it any points. Third place, I say! Even though Susan said we shouldn't... LM
Um. Just for my info, isn't a sporran the word for the little dangly-bit covering purse worn with a kilt? (Hint, Internet says Oui!) This element automatically adds a certain sense of amusement as I go into the story where he then dies a silly death.
I'd turn the page. But if the kingdom is so tightly wound that there'd be random executions of tavern patrons for a sign falling down, how did they build up the wherewithal to hold off the elves anyway? Something just doesn't quite jibe.
Also, Sporran's Bane just took out Sporran and doesn't seem like much of an ongoing issue for the remainder of the story unless they replace the sign using more dirty nails and rename or spawn another Sporran to take a sign to the skull. -JS
I enjoyed this. The beginning might be infodump but for the storytelling tone -- which encourages it ?. The names are fun, but this stops short of being Too Cute for Words (thank you!). I do think the "'em" in the last sentence throws the semi-formal narration off-track, and is unnecessary. Also, now that we know the situation, I think it's time to move from omniscient to a POV character. I suspect the reader might tire of the fantasy send-up style after a while, but for a short story, it's fun. - Admin.
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2006 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
