Congrats to Susan Wing for nabbing first place with "The King of Snowflakes" followed by Jack Serin in second with "Agency" and David Gillon snagged third with "Human, Right". Best Openings Contest February 2006
1st 2nd 3rd Voted Total Susan Wing King of the Snow Snakes 9 6 0 3 18 Jack Serin Agency 3 6 0 3 12 David Gillon Human, Right 3 0 4 3 10 Derek Paterson Crunchers 3 0 2 3 8 Kendra Black Fringe Benefits 3 0 0 3 6 Ashley Burns The God of Subways 3 2 0 - 5 Bill Allan (voted only) 3 3 Sophia Ahmed (voted only) 3 3 Terri Hamilton (voted only) 3 3I am highly gratified to see that EVERY SINGLE ENTRY garnered at least one first place vote. Excellent. So now the assignment is to FINISH THESE STORIES!!!
Index The God of Subways - Ashley Burns
Agency - Jack Serin
Fringe Benefits - Kendra Black
Human, Right - David Gillon
Crunchers - Derek Paterson
King of the Snow Snakes - Susan Wing
The God of Subways - Ashley Burns
All life is motion; all motion is sound. There is no such thing as stillness or silence where life is. The rabbit, silent and motionless in the grass, is neither silent nor motionless: his blood rips through his veins and his pulse beats staccato in his chest. The tree grows slowly, but there is a great prolonged groan as it reaches for the sky. Even technically non-living things live, in this sense: the river flows, a rush of water and energy, and the sound of motion creates an illusion of life where none exists. Death can be defined as the absence of movement, and so it is of death that Daniel thinks when the subways stop.
It doesn't happen in the normal sense, if there is a normal way for subways to stop. If he had ever thought of it, he would have imagined something more dramatic, a drawn out screaming of halted electricity. He would have imagined lights flashing, vocal and mechanical screams, a world gone briefly mad. But it is nothing at all like that. One minute Daniel is staring at the ground, sticky with dirt-encrusted bubblegum and other less easily identified substances, dimly aware of speed and traveling and purpose all around him. The next minute, there is darkness.
So Daniel thinks of death. Calmly, for this is the logical progression of things: movement to stillness, sound to silence, life to death. He assumes, at first, that he himself has died.§ This didn't draw me in at all, sorry. There were a lot of words given over to the fact that nothing is happening, and although the idea of a subway stopping and there immediately being a void is quite terrifying, the horror and tension of it was leached away by the padding of words all around it. (And I assume you mean subway *train* -- I'm guessing this is a cross-pond difference, but I was picturing the whole underground system somehow stopping, rather than a train the narrator was riding at the time, which doesn't have the same feel.) I couldn't read more if this continued in this style. -- SA
Philosophical openings rarely work; this one is an exception to the rule, IMO. Deftly written, good rhythm, dynamic images. Just about the time I'm looking for a POVC to attach to these musings, the writer introduces "Daniel." Well done. Second graph continues in a more casual, personal style (now that we know who's doing the thinking) and places us in a setting. Third graph pulls together what has come before. Ends on page-turning sentence that suggests conflict -- again, well done. My only concern -- There IS a limit to how much philosophy you can toss at a reader before he/she demands some action; IOW something concrete needs to HAPPEN pretty soon. A clear 1st place, IMO. - SW
I like it. It's a slow starter, but it's actually quite gripping - it's enough to tweak my interest, make me curious about what was really going on with the subway. - KB
Not badly penned, methinks, though I'm not entirely sold on the logic of some of these observations (the groan of the growing tree, for instance
). And there's a modest hook--what's happened to Daniel?--a good thing. However, while the unidentified narrator is waxing philosophical for most of the entry, readers may begin doing some wool gathering of their own. - Bill Rabbits? Trees? Subway? Wait a minute!! Paragraph one is pretty, but also somewhat irrelevant. Cut everything but that last sentence, and nothing really changes. I'm uneasy about the present tense too. That said, I'd read it. I like that kind of structure. But I find myself a small market share. - JS
I wondered if the rabbit was Daniel. Writing was OK but I can't say I was drawn in by the tone of the piece, and I have no sense of... I dunno... hard to explain... no sense that something's actually going to HAPPEN soon. -dp
Very nicely written. My concern would be whether the tone would carry the story for its whole length, and whether this is the right way to open a story. The opening is essentially too passive, you need to start with something that will grab the reader’s attention for long enough to interest them in the writing, because the writing is too slow-paced to do it on its own. I would start with Daniel’s assumption that he has died, essentially reversing the flow of the third paragraph and the last two sentences of the second, then bring in the current opening paragraph. As a standalone piece of prose I would have no problem putting this in first place, as the opening ``to a story I don’t think that it works. DG
2nd place. I really like this opening. It has resonance. I expect it's one that people will either love or hate, but I don't have a problem with the philosophical approach. It does need some clarification... after the first few sentences the style starts to falter and the syntax gets hard to follow, and the extended metaphor goes a little off kilter. That's what kept it from a 1st place vote. Simplify the sentence structure where it's convoluted--for instance, maybe, "and so, Daniel thinks of death when the subways stop." That still isn't quite right. I think perhaps it needs to start getting visceral here. Perhaps the abstraction goes on too long. It's definitely worth working on, though. - TH
Editor hat on: This is the kind of thing I could see myself reading in the prologue to a book I'd pick up at Barnes & Noble. The prose is nice, and certainly would appeal to the literati. As an editor of a new pro mag... well, that all depends. It's not speculative fiction, yet. But it could be. It very vaguely reminded me of China Mieville. Would turn the page, but want the action to start Very Soon. - Adminatrix
Agency - Jack Serin
The Angel of God looked nothing like the stories said he should, which mean that either the stories weren't true or he wasn't. If it was my choice, I'd believe the stories. Of course, if it was my choice, I'd still be home and not far away with an Angel at my shoulder. Because while it's easy to question an Angel, it's harder to question an army. Especially when that army is camped at your front door.
The Angel was different from the rest of us, though, a point for his declared identity. Fair under sunlight that baked all others brown. Tunic so finely made it was either of heaven or stolen from kings. And somehow he seemed to repel the reddish tinge of dust. But blue eyes are a far cry from "eyes of flame," and there was no room in his clothes for wings of any kind. He had none of the look of an Angel. Nor the manner of one, for his next kindness would be his first.
The Angel suddenly pulled his horse through my path as we reached a fork in the road. My horse lurched out from under me to avoid a collision, and I clutched at the hair of her neck before I remembered that I could brace myself on the stirrups. I saw reproach in her backward look and apologized for my inexperience.
"Talk to your captains, Adam," the Angel said. "Not your horse."§ This story idea has an epic feel to it, but the lightweight prose doesn't suit it at all. I had no clear image of how the characters were positioned in relation to each other, and have no reaction towards the narrator aside from an irritation with his faffing about -- what exactly is he doing? It seems like he is half-awake. There is no tension and I am not drawn in, sorry. -- SA
Great first sentence, and then the writer proceeds to shoot self in foot with a series of sentences that attempts to be clever but comes across as cutesy and confusing. (IMO) (I still don't know where the army is -- at the MC's front door, at his back, or both?) I rather liked the second graph; the writing style was clean; the images were expressive: It pulled this opening out of depths, IMO, and opened nicely into the rest of the entry. Still not sure where the captains are, but I liked the tone and personality of the last bit of dialogue. Based on recovery from first graph, gave this one 2nd place. - SW
Angel? Army? Adam? I'm intrigued, and the writing reminds me of L.E Modsett. Of course, that might also be because I've been immersed in the Chaos/Order series for the last week and a half. - KB
Nice description of the angel, but I might have started with that third graph, which places the reader in a scene with a couple characters in motion, then followed with the introspective first graph and descriptive second graph. Still, I give this promising entry a Second Place vote. - Bill
Second last sentence of paragraph one is broken. - JS
OK, it's an Angel, an Angel, an Angel, I get it. This quickly became force-fed and overdone, pushing other important setup details aside. -dp
There is potential here, I rather like the tone that comes through in the protagonist’s voice, though the direction of the story is still indistinct, with no strong narrative hook. There is one element of potential confusion in the first paragraph, the protagonist is simultaneously ‘far away’ from home, yet has an army camped on his doorstep, which seems to imply he is home. It’s also unclear whether the reference is to his army, or someone else’s, and whether that someone is hostile or not. While the final incident is good for giving some characterization to both Adam and the Angel, the reason the Angel pulls his horse in front of Adam’s is unclear, and needs clarifying in order for us to know whether the Angel deliberately cut him up, or is simply no better a horseman than Adam. My first place for the month. DG
I'd like to see a little more delineation of the conflict. Maybe what I lack here is the stakes for the protag. OK, there's an army, and there's an angel or maybe he's not; give me a hint why I should care. What does one have to do with the other? and what's the protag risking if he's wrong about the angel? I imagine you'll be getting to that soon, but you stand a better chance of selling if you can tighten it up. Also, the stage business with the horse was a little confusing. There is some promise here. - TH
Editor hat on: This one reads as a Grand Beginning, but the descriptions were confusing and I agree with the above note about the lightweight tone. If there's an angel and an army, I want the author to take this one a little more seriously unless the army is armed with custard pies. Not that that isn't a good idea. ;) - Adminatrix
Fringe Benefits - Kendra Black
"I’m so damn tired of putting up with that asshole!" Dion slams her empty wine glass down on the bar, almost shattering the dainty stem.
"I’ve worked for him for close to a year, and I don’t think he knows my last name. I’ve gotten a pay raise and glowing reviews from the Board, but he still treats me like I’m not human! He’s nicer to the copy machine!"
Dion shakes her empty glass in the bartender’s direction, and without waiting for a response, continues ranting.
"And the part that really burns my hide is that - I can’t force him to be nice, nor can I afford to quit and lose the tuition discount until Marcus graduates in 3 years. And despite being so close to The Hill, he seems to be the only person at that place willing to hire a elf!"
Marrisa shakes her head and takes a dainty sip of her wine.
"I know, I know. He’s an asshole, but technically, you aren’t human. Really, it’s a shame you didn’t grow up under Hill - you have to deal with the pain of being an elf, but you don’t have any of the power."
Marrisa glances briefly at Dion.
"Of course, you could go under Hill and borrow - or steal - some power from your cousins."
Dion shudders slightly, then looks thoughtful.
"I’d never want to owe my cousins a favor of any kind, family or not - but I might be able to get power without owing them anything."§ This read like one long "As you know, Bob," conversation, and got very little information across. What does it mean to not be treated like a human? What work does she do (and is it important to the story?) Why should I care about this whiny elf? Not drawn in, and wouldn't read on, sorry. -- SA
Arghh. I confess I had a hard time with this one: I don't care for unjustified present tense, nor opening lines of dialogue that communicate little of interest. And I really don't care for elves, in general -- especially if the employer-boss conflict could play as well if both were human. There's a lot of ranting here, lots of dialogue tossed into space, with little enlightening or compelling content, IMO. Sorry, but no vote.- SW
It's interesting reading your own story alongside all of the other entries. I like how much backhistory I've managed to squeeze in here, and it's elves! It's the modern world! And they're scheming! Not sure about the amount of dialogue though - what's the best way to start a story out? Dialogue or Description? - KB
Can elf find recognition in a cutthroat corporate world? Cute, but this talking-heads setup might benefit from a bit of setting, some action, and perhaps a stronger hook. - Bill
I like this one. The only real weak-spot that I see is that Marissa suggests stealing, and then Dion says "maybe I can get it debt free" and it's colored by the previous statement. Maybe by stealing it? It's the only criticism I could come up with and I had to work to find it. - JS
I hear the dialogue but I don't feel I'm "with" anyone and connected to what's being said. Has a "talking heads" vibe. Present tense didn't help, that always suggests artificial urgency to me. -dp
Present tense, always a risky move. Unless there is a specific reason for it I’d advise shifting to past tense to avoid giving the editor a potential reason to toss it. That said the rest of this isn’t bad. There are a couple of potentially confusing issues you might consider clarifying: is Marisa the bartender, or a third person; and when you mention ‘The Hill’ are we referring to the one with the Capitol atop it, or the one with the elves underneath it (or are they the same thing?) The other thing you might want to do is give ‘him’ (the ####) a name. Characterisation could be stronger, at the moment Dion and Marisa are basically talking heads, we don’t get a strong feel for either one of them. Storywise there’s not much here to indicate where the story will go, but plenty of potential in the set-up. DG
The fourth paragraph loses me briefly--I don't think you have a good handle on what is going on at Dion's workplace. Everybody likes her but the boss? But the boss is the only one who'll hire her? hmm. Dion's anger comes through very well. Marisa needs some distinguishing characteristic of her own. Maybe you don't need so much detail about the boss. That's what gets Dion going, but the engine of the story starts with Dion's idea about how to get power without becoming beholden to her relatives. That part does intrigue me... it's a decent hook. - TH
Editor hat on: There are some flaws with this one that are easily solved, IMO. We don't need to get so much back story in such a short space and I agree with the "as you know, Bob" note above. Let the story unfold a little more naturally and I think this one has great potential. Let's clean this one up and continue. - Adminatrix
Human, Right - David Gillon
“Yuliya! Yuliya!”
The petite young woman with the blonde bob bounced forwards, waved both hands and smiled at the assembled press corps, but provoked a chorus of groans as she stepped back to allow an older, sterner, far less photogenic figure to take the lectern.
“Thank you for coming.” Yuri Alexandrovitch Ivanov told them, his English all but accentless. He paused for a moment as a BBC camera drone fought a brief dogfight for position against an interloper from CNN. Even without the frown that hardened his face, even without his uniform, there was no mistaking him for anything but a soldier.
“We are here in Lausanne to resolve an exceptionally serious matter,” Yuri Alexandrovitch reminded them. “Time is short, so we will confine ourselves to a short statement before the court is called into session. My daughter is a popular figure, our national champion and an ambassador for her sport, but that success may come to an end, my daughter may not compete in the Olympics because the ruling body of gymnastics wishes to stop her. In fact they wish to block her from ever competing again, no matter that she has done nothing. She has taken no steroids, no substances on the banned list, she has had no augmentation surgery and a blood test will show that her genome remains the same now that it was at birth. She has done nothing, I have done nothing, her sport wishes to punish her for the actions of her grandfather.”§ The question of why the gymnast is being banned is mildly interesting, but instead of listing all the things that she / they have not done, it would have drawn me in much more if the father had, say, made an ultimatum -- "conclusively prove wrongdoing or we do some specific horrible thing". As it is, there is no tension. Also, the gymnast herself comes across as a prop. Either she is an ambassador for her sport, or not -- have her speak passionately. She seems to me to be a better choice for protagonist than her father, as she is the one who is hurt most by the banning, and with all her popular support, in a position to do something about it. If there is a reason for Yuri to be the protagonist, then I'd like to see it. -- SA
Urrrrrr. I hate unattributed opening dialogue, I really do. I honestly thought this was a battle cry, and didn't figure it was the call of the press until the end of the next graph, at which point it was irrelevant. This entry got my 3rd place vote because of the speculative content suggested in the last two sentences (an interesting combo of Olympic scandals and genetic research). Lots of potential for politics, personal conflict, etc. However, I kept reading mostly 'cause it's a BOC entry; I'm not sure an editor would slog through the endless speechifying that precedes the story nugget. This is a chunk of infodump disguised as a statement to the press; chances are the press knows most of already. Chop the statement in half and give us more reaction/action from press, Yuliya, or bystanders (e.g. I liked the dogfights between the camera drones); IOW, put this in a larger, more exciting context, so that we have a larger sense of stakes. - 3rd place - SW
Interesting. My first thought is that I don't see the sci-fi tilt to this one - but based on the title, I strongly suspect that the daughter (Yuliya?) isn't all human. I'd want to keep reading to see what she is, and what the IOC has against her. - KB
Workable opening, but I think the conflict needs a shot of urgency if I'm to be compelled to turn the page. And the bouncing Yuliya seemed a bit too buoyant, considering her plight. - Bill
This is really good. Unfortunately, I'm uninterested in the Olympics on even the best of days so Olympic Gymnastics was a bit of a turn off (whole other rant). The speech has quite the punchline though, and I do want to know what happens next. The writing is good. (though I think "her sport …" ought to be a separate sentence.) I'm curious how Yuri's "done nothing" is relevant, but I suppose that would be answered overleaf, huh. - JS
Ooh, interesting. I'm know I'm being manipulated, but I still want to bite the dangling carrot. FIRST -dp
Mine. Spin-off idea from a roleplaying article I’m writing on DNA modifications – if the mods are inheritable, then what happens several generations down the line when the DNA tweak might just make someone better at a sport, but they haven’t done anything personally to warrant being banned…. DG 3rd place. At first a bit confusing, with all the stage business. I agree it's important to show the girl, but show me something about her that tells me who she is, like maybe her leotard peeking out from under the zip of her Olympic hoodie, or whatever. The father's speech is really long. I imagine you breaking it up with crowd reactions, once you're no longer under the word limit of the BOC. I'm not sure why you put so much emphasis on his soldierliness. I'm also thinking that in real life, it would be her coach giving this press conference, not her dad--unless dad is a celebrity in his own right, in which case the press corps certainly will recognize him. What drew the vote was your excellent hook. I want to know what her grandfather could have done that would disqualify her from competition now! - TH
Editor hat on: The premise is good, but the hook isn't working for me. The press conference idea is a good one, but the dialogue is dry and doesn't grab me by the shirt and shake me down. There's an opportunity lost here, and I think it would be an easy fix to shift the direction of the opening just a tad to be more active and interesting. - Adminatrix
Crunchers
He'd promised himself never to set foot on this goddamn planet again, but needs must, especially as the Ten Systems War looked all set to become the Twenty Systems War, with projected casualties somewhere in the low billions. He landed his boat some distance from what remained of the spaceport, a rubble-filled bowl that could be seen from orbit by the naked eye. Rusting spaceship skeletons ringed the bowl, patiently awaiting their turn in the linear accelerator. There was history here. These magnificent ships had helped bring about the Great Expansion, that wonderful period of childishly optimistic colonization that grew to become the beginnings of empire. Until they met the things that lurked in the dark, watching and waiting for precisely the right moment to strike.
He recalled his tour of duty here some thirty years ago, not an entirely unpleasant time thanks to the biogeneticists. From their clever little seeds grew plants whose pods yielded the things that looked and acted like women. Turn the lights down low so you couldn't see the wriggling tendrils inside their semi-transparent skin, and you wouldn't even know the difference, except that come morning they'd turned into stinking vegetable mush that had to be hosed down the drain. A small price to pay for the enjoyment these "ladies" gave a young ensign destined for far greater things, thanks to his family connections and, of course, his ability to calculate the future.
But sometimes the calculations went bust and he needed help.§ Not sure why "he" thought of this planet as goddamned when what he describes are magnificent ships, history and one-use sex toys. Tell me more about the things lurking in the dark, the ability to calculate the future and what is meant by the calculations going bust, because those things seem relevant to the story. As it is, I'm not drawn in, and the narrator comes across as downright creepy, but the calculating-the-future speculative element here is interesting, so this gets a vote. FIRST. -- SA
Of this entire opening, the second and third sentence are telling the tale; the rest of it is back story. (Okay, you might've gotten away with the next couple of sentences, through "beginnings of Empire." -- but after dipping into the past this much, you need to jump out quickly.) The result of this infodump: No useful sense of character or of immediate conflict. Even the setting, nicely sketched at the beginning, is lost in the mire of exposition. Obviously, this is a situation fraught with danger, but it reads like a trail grown cold. Might be about to work some of these points of exposition woven into present-tense action; they would have more impact, I think. (Showing vs. telling, remember?, i.e. talking about those creepy plants has none of the impact of confronting them.) And please, , the "thanks to his family connections" bit is pure "As you know, Bob" in a different dress. Interesting facts, perhaps, in another context: How much of this do we really need to know at this point? (and FWIW, I tripped the "needs must" -- a bit stiff, unless that's key to the MC's character) - SW
I like it - it's techy, and it's up my alley. The freaky little plant-women are also rather intriguing. The last line is what really pulls me in - he calculated the future and got it wrong? Normal - but interesting. How badly off was he? And what does the plantpeople planet have to do with it? - KB
Hmm, weird and interesting . . . yet mostly back story here. This will likely appeal to space sci-fi fans like myself, but without the immediacy of scene it may lack the ability to draw in the uninitiated. Still, I'm curious. Third Place. - Bill
Something about this doesn't sit right with me. I can't put my finger on it. I think it's just the fact that I'm not able to see any connection to the pieces. A big war, a dead station, diddlable salads (clever, btw) and some kind of prescience? I don't know where you're going. I would read it though. Keep going. - JS
Mine. I've got the story in mind but will it be able to stand up, or will it collapse into a puddle of mud? Only time will tell. -dp
‘the enjoyment these "ladies" gave a young ensign’ Eeuwh! There’s words for people like that ;) The tone of this seems a little bit classic-age SF, it could almost be the start of one of Poul Anderson’s Flandry stories. That is potentially a weakness rather than a strength as it could be taken to imply a dated style, but whether that will be true depends solely on the rest of the writing and where the story goes, so that’s the critical equivalent of a suspended sentence. On a separate issue, we’re treated to an explanation that the protagonist has sworn never to return to the ‘goddamned’ planet again, but the description implies that he had a reasonably good time (though not one you could write to your mother about). Criticism done with, the protagonist has a voice I can live with and there is a nice little narrative hook buried in the second last paragraph. That’s enough to make it my third place for the month. DG
Really good imagery. Unfortunately the subject matter is all over the place. At first the conflict appears to be civil war... then alien invasion... finally we find out it's something about his "future calculations," but as a hook it isn't "hooky" enough. I guess I need to know something about the stakes for him personally. Oddly enough, "casualties in the billions" doesn't cut it. Unless, of course, he's going to be personally blamed for them. - TH
Editor hat on - I love the first half of the first sentence and then my brain began to wander. Truly a matter of my taste, but this would absolutely work for another editor and the right mag (*duh!*) so no worries there. I'd prefer less exposition and more action and some dialogue. - Adminatrix
King of the Snow Snakes
A squat silver tower rose from the drifts, its conical roof reflecting the rose and gold remnants of our third day in the Lost Boy Range. A faint path led through the snow to two stunted oaks that framed a lower section of the structure's surface as if it were a door. I raised my hand to halt the team strung out behind me.
"Check our track, Barron," I yelled over the wind. "None of the charts indicated a building hereabouts."
My navigator punched a button on his handheld. "No trail divergence. One point eight k's from Camp 4."
Nearly two kilometers. The storm had slowed our progress more than I'd realized. It would be full-dark well before we'd spot the ridge lights of Camp 4.
I took another look at the tower, and wondered if my father's expedition also had stopped here at dusk in the middle of a freak windstorm.
"Prepare to dig in?" Dixie Lopes, my number one, called out.
"Nope. Wrong place at the wrong time."
"What do you mean—?"
"I mean I'll explain later. Right now, I'm betting whoever dug this channel is riding out the storm inside," I said as I headed down the path.
"But how will you—?" Dixie said, right behind me.
"I figured I would just—"
Knock, I said to myself, as the wall between the oaks folded to one side like a silver curtain.
"Marian Delancy," said the figure in the doorway. "We've been waiting for you."§ I got little sense of what was happening from this opening. Are they boy scouts, or soldiers, or archaeologists? Are they on a training ground, a theme park, a strange planet? Are they in danger? What are they trying to do? No tension, no character, no setting, no plot hints. Wouldn't read on, sorry. -- SA
Mine. Written too quickly, as I mentioned Trite situation; tried to cover too much, too soon. Too many characters, unoriginal space opera in the snow, family back story thrown in for good measure but little benefit, predictable mysterious figure in doorway, and I can't believe I wrote that last line with a straight face!
. As a result, can pretty much promise I won't be able to salvage for continuing BOC challenge -- If _I_ consider this opening a huge yawn, it's doubtful I can spiff it up for editors. - SW It's good - excellent positioning - I know where I am, and who most of the people around me are. Also there are tantalizing hints of a bigger story scattered through with the mention of 'fathers expedition' and of course, 'We've been waiting for you'. - KB
IMHO, this is the only entry to use scene effectively this month. It's a little talky toward the end (with talk that doesn't advance the conflict). But for the most part dialogue, action, and description seem in appropriate proportions, and the mention of her father's expedition is just enough back story for now. First Place. - Bill
I've never seen this usage: "k's" Usually it's "Kays" or "Klicks." Random observation. There was also enough going on that I lost track of the oaks and had to scroll back, at the end, to figure out where they'd come from. I'm not sure how the pieces fit together with the title yet, but it's only the first page. - JS
Cute, sprinkled with questions that add to the setting, I'm curious. SECOND -dp
This is interesting, and I’d read on, but it has a descriptive problem. You have created a situation with weather severe enough to have people thinking of riding out the storm, but there is no real indication of anything other than a stiff breeze in the descriptive writing – no falling temperatures, no wind-driven snow, no painfully frozen extremities, just mention of calling over the wind. I’d also have liked a slightly expanded description of the structure, if only for something to allow me to put a size to it – as it stands it could be anywhere from 10 to 100 feet in height. Other than that there is a reasonable set-up, not a lot of characterization yet, but definite hints of back-story to drive the plot and a hook at the end to drag the reader in. My second place for the Month. DG
1st place. Tight & focused, well-structured opening. Are the two allusions to Peter Pan on purpose? that would be cool. Good use of the Aristotelian principle of start small, and build - a bit of mild physical jeopardy, then the introduction of unresolved backstory, and then the reveal hook. Maybe on revision you can come up with something more enigmatic (and less hackneyed) than "We've been waiting for you." The description of the sunset fell flat--I had to read it three times to figure out you were talking about sunset. A minor glitch in an otherwise excellent opening. - TH
Editor hat on - This piece switches from military-esque to poetic (with the silver curtain reference and the figure in the oaks) that jarred me a little. I think the appearance of the mystery figure is justified, although it happened too abruptly and this opening could certainly work into a full story if the author is so inclined *G* - Adminatrix
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2006 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
