Welcome to 2007 and a brand spankin' new year in the Castle. Congrats are in order! Where's my confetti? Ah, well... I'll use these pull-tabs from soda cans instead. December 2006 Best Openings Contest
First place this month goes to Derek Paterson for "Resurrectus Necros" followed closely by Josh Paterson for "The Taxman Cometh" and North with "Vulcan's Contempt."
As you can see, Derek and Josh are tied in the quarterly totals... there can be only one at the end of January!
Title Author 1st 2nd 3rd V S Dec Nov QT Resurrectus Necros Derek Paterson 1 4 3 Y 2 21 20 41 The Taxman Cometh Josh Langston 4 0 2 Y 1 19 22 41 Vulcan's Contempt North 3 1 0 Y 1 16 5 21 Fresh Kills Susan Wing 0 2 1 Y 1 9 14 23 Familiar Surroundings Jack Serin 0 1 2 Y - 7 9 16 (no Dec entry) Bill Allan 15 15 (no Dec entry) SFK Bianca 7 7 (voted only) Sophia Ahmed Y 3 3 6 (voted only) Lynn Fernandez Y 3 3 (voted only) BJ Galler-Smith Y 3 3
Index The Taxman Cometh - Josh
Resurrectus Necros - Derek
Familiar Surroundings - Jack
FRESH KILLS - Susan
Vulcan's Contempt - North
Willard Calcraft had more attaboys and fewer friends than anyone else in the Internal Revenue's regional office in Atlanta. Nicknamed "The Executioner" by some wag who learned of a 19th century English hangman with a similar name, Will hadn't actually killed anyone, though it was generally believed his unrelenting zeal for collecting back taxes had caused several clients to come after him. The Taxman Cometh - Josh
His wife, Marjorie, had other reasons for wanting him dead. Foremost among them was a taxpayer named Anastasia Jones whose profession required that she remove her clothing to rock music. Will racked up serious overtime on that case.§
The Taxman just didn't grab me. For one thing I'm already not sympathetic because he is the taxman! LOL. Maybe less exposition in the first paragraph. Too much about the executioner's history, I really didn't care especially if it doesn't go anywhere in the story? Is it a foreshadow? LFA solid identification of the character of Willard, and I would expect in the next hundred or so words an equally solid identification of his vengeful wife. I'm also glad to see that the author has no fear of a long sentence. It sets the tone for the expected joyful comeuppance of a taxman. If this story should make it to TV, I hope you'll have the opening credits accompanied by Stevie Ray Vaughn's song, "Taxman." North
I know I'll hate myself for asking, but since the taxman cameth, is that why his wife wants him dead? Or is the title reminding us that Will is coming, and you better watch out? No clear sense of the real conflict, but well written so I'll read a bit more to find out. (BJ) THIRD
Mine. The opening to the second scene of "Weewatumpka Blues," the tale of a very different kind of wonderland. --Josh
Smooth enough writing, which is why this entry got a 3rd place vote from me. A distinctive narrative style, with a humorous edge, which some editors will relate to. I personally find the narrative voice a bit much -- IOW, it's very self-conscious, and somehow distant from the people described -- the result, IMO, is a vaguely superior tone that probably would get on my nerves after a while. Just a feeling. The main problem I have with this opening is that the tone makes ME feel distant from the characters and the situation -- and I end up not caring muc about them. If either Willard or Marjorie departed from familiar types, that wouldn't matter -- but as the story stands now, this seems like a pretty stock situation, with no hint of an interesting variation on the theme, and no promise of any surprise, so I don't think I'd read on, regardless of the assured style. -- SW
The first paragraph feels flat; there is a 'voice' to it that seems wasted, as what we are being told isn't really interesting. His unrelenting zeal for collecting back taxes is the one relevant piece of information, but without a reason for it I'm not drawn to him as a character. The second paragraph is more interesting. There is no speculative element, but there are several options for where it could appear, and I'd read on to find out. FIRST. -- SA
Good job. The "attaboys" made me smile and I like the overall flow. But the backstory on the nickname is a little incongruous with the rest. I'd definitely read on, but unless there's some reason I need to know the historical precedent, then I don't need to know the precedent. - JS
Reads well, easy style gets 1ST PLACE, even tho' there's no clue as to what the story might be, and no spec element is visible yet. -dp
The voices called to him, but they were the wrong voices. He knew this instinctively even as he surfaced from deep layers of sleep. The words were correct but their odd pronunciation warned him that those who called him from his slumber did not belong to him. There could be legitimate reasons for this. Mortals grew old and sometimes died. The coven might have taken on new members not as familiar with tradition as his older servants. When he arose he would stay his hand for a moment, giving his new servants, if such they were, a chance to explain. Resurrectus Necros - Derek
§
(2nd) set up a nice little mystery. Okay so what happened to this world? Who is this guy? LFThis opening clearly tells us to expect a story in which a powerful wizard, demon, or vampire is being recalled to life by some neophyte followers who are foolish enough to chant the restorative words from some form of the Book of the Dead. I also expect that such a story has been done, but I'm intrigued enough to read more to see if the author can put some new twist into it. I find it interesting that many of these stories are written from the creature's point of view in order to humanize a creature that either is no longer or never was human. North
Ooo! Spooky! I'll hang around a page to see who/what he is. (BJ) FIRST
I liked this opening. The narrative is informative without dumping heaps of information the reader doesn't need yet. It tells just enough and suggests something interesting to anyone who reads further, as I surely would. Are we still doing gold stars? If so, paste one on this entry. --Josh
Excellent first sentence, and the second and third sentences follow up nicely. If the writer had stayed in the immediate POV of the main character as well through the rest of the entry, this one might have taken 1st place from me. Ironically, as soon as the entry leaves the character's observation of what's actually _happening_, and disappears into his/her mind, the writer shuts out the reader -- Part of this is that the "legitimiate reasons" give too much information at this point in the story – creating confusion rather than clarification, IMO. If the writer bagged the “The coven might have…” sentence, it would maintain the tension more effectively, while still giving us enough hints of conflict and creepiness to come. – 2nd place – SW
This character feels very passive. Instead of giving his new servants a chance to explain, if he had for example the intention to go on a killing rampage, I would have had the impression of a character with aims and expectations and a will to follow through with them. Whether that follow-through would be possible would provide the immediate hook. As it is, I find that this nameless, formless protagonist is uninteresting. THIRD. -- SA
I'm torn on this piece. There's novelty in the perspective, and tonally things are bang-on. But I'm uneasy about the topic in such a short fragment (which is good because I'd read on). It's not a real deficiency but it costs points, comparatively. - JS
Mine. One of those "could grow to be something, if it tries hard enough" back burner things. -dp
Tina's sister was still looking through the door when she went to get a snack. Familiar Surroundings - Jack
"Who was it, Molly?"
Molly waved without leaving the peephole, and Tina sighed. "What?"
"Come here," Molly whispered.
"I'm busy! Who was it?"
"It's still here!!" Molly hissed. "Shh!!"
"It?" She went to door and pushed her head against Molly's till she could see.
A round, greyish blob floated maybe a foot above the concrete stoop.
"I think it's a robot," Molly whispered. "Is it still there?"
Tina jerked backwards as an arm she hadn't noticed reached out and rang the doorbell again.§
(3rd) good setup for a YA story. I already like the girls, I like that they are curious but cautious and the arm was a nice surprise for them and me. LFI'm lost so put it aside. That's my first reaction. Two women in their house or apartment, frightened by something at the door. But it's probably not there to harm them because it is polite enough to ring the bell rather than force its way in. What is it? And why does it want to see them? I'm not sure you've hooked me securely enough to read more to answer those questions. Have you tried writing the same opening from the robot's point of view? North
Interesting notion-Blobby the Robot? I'd read on a bit to see what's what. (BJ)
This opening has some charm despite the multiple punctuation marks (which should be excised immediately). I would also caution against the use of stative verbs, especially in the very first line. In this case it would be easy to work around the word "was" and would likely give that opening line a little more life. Also, kudos for making the blob a robot rather than some sort of biothingy. A robotic blob gets my attention; the other kind went stale four or five decades ago. Keep going with this; you might have something. --Josh
The writer might very well have an interesting story in mind here, but there’s no sense of intriguing character or setting, so we’re depending on conflict to kick this thing off -- but the opening floats around so much before getting to any sense of conflict that it doesn’t work, IMO. Short of starting from scratch, the writer might toss out everything until “It’s still here!” (and then replace the “She” in next sentence with “Tina” to introduce the character). Everything that precedes that is pretty empty, IOW it doesn’t seem to contain any content or tone that’s necessary to the story. – SW
This opening was confusing because of a few small errors. Who does the "she" refer to in the first sentence? The seventh sentence should be "She went to the door and pushed her head against Molly's [until or 'til] she could see." Aside from these nits, the situation is interesting and I'd read on to see what happens next. SECOND. -- SA
Mine. - JS
Cute but didn't engage me yet, not saying it wouldn't, just saying it might take a little longer. -dp
The trail of blood ended in a snow drift, up against the west fence of the landfill. FRESH KILLS - Susan
“A stream,” Marquez said.
“Stream? What the hell you talking about?” Davio pulled off his gloves. “Damn, it’s cold.”
“The blood. Looks like one of those streams that run high past Lander. Hike up there, you can’t miss them. Fast. Some pretty wide, even. But none of them reach the sea.”
“Yeah?” He took off the lens cap. “Three shots okay?”
“At least. Blood pattern, shape of the drift. The streams? Yeah, they don’t seem to end anyplace, just disappear into the rock.§
Well it's a stream of consciousness writing style and it didn't really grab me because I had to reread it at one point to see what the heck three shots were because I got lost and bored and didn't read the word lens. LFYour opening provokes a lot of questions. Where does the blood trail begin? Is there a body? Does the sudden end of the trail suggest that the trail maker flew away? To ask a few. --Looks like one of those streams up past Lander. Fast and wide, but none reach the sea.-- That is probably enough to describe those streams. You save a few words perhaps to add a body to the crime scene, or describe Marquez. Besides the assistant doesn't really care about the streams at Lander. North
I love the start with blood, but I instantly got lost in the snow. It's a little too sparse. I had to read thrice just to determine I had no idea who these guys are or what they're doing. I do realize one's taking photos, but why, and of what? Maybe another word or two would help me… "the trail of _?___ blood". And I agree with Davio.. "What stream? What are you talking about?" (BJ)
The 100-word limit may have proven too restrictive for this opening. It feels as if it's been scaled down from something longer and probably easier to follow. I had to read it twice to understand what Marquez meant, not a good thing to require of a reader just picking up the text. --Josh
Mine. The result of watching ‘way too much “CSI,” driving to the dump (PC term: “transfer station”), and thinking about skiing in Vermont. I really don’t know where it goes, but I sort of like Marquez – don’t know why. Maybe the way she started talking -- terse and philosophical at the same time. I’ll probably dig into this a bit more . – SW
I didn't understand this opening. What is Marquez talking about with the streams? I thought he meant that there were literally fast, wide streams of blood reaching the sea. And if that is true, why is Davio asking what he's talking about when he's standing taking photos of one of them? I couldn't picture what was happening here at all, and I'm not drawn in for that reason. -- SA
I'm feeling a little excluded by your success with this piece. There's a shorthand in the conversation that seems right for the characters, but throws me as the reader trying to know if I understood them. "Three shots okay?" and the fragments "Blood pattern, shape of the drift" I'd likely read on, but I've been made uncomfortable. - JS
Reads like a radio play, too heavy on dialogue. Maybe a little more relevant action might not go amiss? Despite this the mystery calls to me. THIRD. -dp
Even as debris was falling, those of us still conscious discovered that we were lying around a narrow crater approximately thirty feet deep. Part way up the east side of the crater lay a pair of standard issue explorer's boots. Vulcan's Contempt - North
We later learned from our data sensors that a volcano, over the horizon, had made a noise as of someone hawking up phlegm. It had then "spit" a glob of molten material deliberately at us. I had seen the flash of light from this material in the corner of my eye just before it landed on the unfortunate Lieutenant Harper.§
I really liked Vulcan's Contempt (1st) although I think that there is a paragraph missing in the middle. It had some humor at Lt Harper's expense (I have to wonder if he was wearing a red shirt) but I liked "hawking up phlegm" and spitting it at the intruders. Not exactly a cliffhanger but I was intrigued by a sentient volcano. I want to know if the rest of the planet is like that. LFMine. North
Kinda funny, in spite of Harper's demise. I'd read on to see what's what. The title also suggests sentient volcanos? (BJ) SECOND
Poor Lieutenant Harper, likely cut from the same cloth as Ensign Expendable. Who can't like the idea of a sentient volcano? Excellent. The way the author worked his/her way around to the tragic demise of young Harper suggests a good yarn will follow. I'd definitely read on. Stick a Gold Star on this one (next to the Blue Ribbon). --Josh
Straightforward style, but enough of a voice (the “unfortunate Lieutenant Harper,” indeed
) to give it personality. (A couple of glitches: “Deliberately” spitting the glob is probably a guess at this point; I’m assuming proving it will underpin much of the subsequent story. Also I’d like to see what the POVC goes through to get out of the situation in the crater – so I suggest changing the verb tense of the last sense back to plain past tense (i.e. “I saw the flash of light…”) , so that we don’t get bogged down in exposition. Despite some bumps in the style, this one got my First Place vote for its combination of fantasy and science fiction that I found intriguing. – SW This begins with the unnamed protagonist in a immediately dangerous situation. But then, the tension inherent in how he or she could get out of it is lost with the jump to 'later' in the next paragraph. The boots being all that remained of Lieutenant Harper feels unlikely, unless this is humour (which doesn't quite come across). Sorry; the jumping around in this opening doesn't make me want to read on. -- SA
I don't have a strong sense of narrative in this opening. Like why a sentient volcano should try to kill Harper, *and* why the remains wouldn't be more central to the crater. Or else what the volcano has against the crater. My suggestion would be to try changing the order of the evens, because I'm not sure the flashback works for me. - JS
Could easily have shown the event live and milked more excitement from both it and the analysis aftermath, instead of looking back with hindsight and with what happened already figured out. Still, SECOND. -dp
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2006-2007 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
