Here are the results for this month's BOC... August 2006 Best Openings Contest
1st 2nd 3rd Voted Total Her Box Of Secrets - Lisa Mantchev 4 2 1 1 20 Dark Holiday - North 1 3 1 1 13 Ghost in the Machine - Jack Serin 2 1 1 10 Hunter Hunted - David Gillon 1 3 1 9 Ancient Weapons - Bill Allan 2 2 1 9 Untitled #1 - Ron Collins 1 1 2 7 Siblings - Marilyn Alm 1 1 6 A Question of Survival - Jon Woolf 1 1 1 6 Bill Thomasson - voted only 1 3 Sophia Ahmed - voted only 1 3 Lynn Fernandez - voted only 1 3 Josh Langston - voted only 1 3 Micha Moeders - voted only 1 3 The Ducking Stool - Mystery Man 2 3 1 13Join me please in congratulating LISA MANTCHEV on luring most votes to their doom with her box of secrets, NORTH on grabbing second place with his dark holiday, and JACK SERIN riding close behind in third with his ghost in the machine.
Don't feel disheartened if you didn't place in the top three, this doesn't mean your story or novel opening sucks rocks, it just means that this time round, this particular selection of readers happened to get tickled by other openings. Hopefully the feedback you received will help make your story better, stronger, faster. :)
Thanks to all who entered and made the contest fun, plus special thanks to Bill Thomasson, Sophia Ahmed, Lynn Fernandez, Josh Langston and Micha Moeders for additional votes & comments.
Index Dark Holiday - North
Siblings - Marilyn Alm
Untitled #1 - Ron Collins
Her Box of Secrets - Lisa Mantchev
A Question of Survival - Jon Woolf
Hunter Hunted - David Gillon
Ghost in the Machine - Jack Serin
Ancient Weapons - Bill Allan
The Ducking Stool - Mystery Man
Margaret finished styling her hair into an old fashioned, but modest, afro, slipped into the little black party dress she’d found hanging in the closet, and a pair of black pumps with chunky heels. She’d rather have had high heels, but that was probably a good thing if the evening went to hell and she had to run. Dark Holiday - North
She wondered if anyone would recognize just how old this style was. She knew George wouldn’t. He wasn’t old enough. Hell, his grandfather wouldn’t be old enough. She laughed to herself.
Smiling at herself in the mirror, she felt good, excited. This was going to be a special evening.
She strode into the living room and stood in the corner formed by the stone fireplace jutting into the room. From there Margaret could see both the front door and the back door through the kitchen. She picked up the pump shotgun
§ Wow! That's a killer last line. Absolutely would read on to find out what's happening. First place. Bill T
I would read on, because the hinted at agelessness of the protagonist is interesting. I'm a little confused about when this is set. A couple of details stalled me: what is an old fashioned afro? I have no idea what style this refers to. Specificity would be good here, I think. Also, I couldn't quite picture the corner that Margaret stood in. Corners are usually between two things, or of something. - SA
I found the last sentence in the first graf to be rather ... clunky. And the first sentence is way too long. LF
This starts slowly, but has a nicely jarring hook at the end. I suspect there’s an attempt to place it as in the future with the reference to ‘how old this style was’, but the little black dress is legendarily timeless as pretty much so are black pumps. The afro is the only part of the assemblage that has a particular timescale, so maybe something like, ‘how old this style, particularly the hair, was’ would work better. My only other comment would be that I think that ‘she could see’ would parse better than ‘Margaret could see’ in the final paragraph. My second place for the month. DG
I like the quirky feel to this. It's a smooth read and pulls me along. Nicely done. Breezes thru the first pass. Finishes 2nd. Bravo! --Josh
This one has good description with more than a hint of mystery. I'd like to know how Margaret knows George's grandfather isn't old enough. And "afro" combined with "old fashioned" implies this is ahead of us in the time line, which then begs the question of why she's using an equally old-fashioned gun. Her line of sight also implies the appropriately named "shot gun house" of New Orleans. Lots of imagery here, and well-chosen wording. MA
Mine. I hope somebody likes it. -North
It seemed somehow inappropriate that she'd be laughing and smiling--feeling good, as opposed to scared and nervous in this situation. Otherwise not bad. Second Place. Bill A
I wasn't quite sure what the author was referring to by "style". But the hook at the end was a good one. It becomes apparent that the protagonist is stalking some sort of prey and we'll have to keep reading to find out what. One tiny nit is the way the first sentence is structured; a little complex for my taste. - LM
Something about the flow doesn't sit right. Like the paragraph break from her laughing to herself to the smile in the mirror. And I was losing interest right until she added the shotgun to her ensemble and that got me to perk right up. Continue! Please! - JS
Didn't really catch my interest until she picked up a shot gun. I might read on to find out why. Micha
Mildly interesting, but a little too slow in showing the hook. This needs to do something to create tension sooner, although I’m not sure how. -JSW
Y'know, everything was going swimmingly until the shotgun, you had my interest, obviously this character has something unusual going for her, but then that last line seemed tacked on to lure me in. -dp
It was just barely dawn at the construction site of what would one day be Navajo Dam, one of the most ambitious water-management projects in the entire Southwestern United States. Despite the early hour, Dr. Alyssa Farley was wide awake and had been working for some hours. She was just finishing up a set of cultures for shipment to a lab in Albuquerque when a lance of pain thrust into her mind. It throbbed in time to a heartbeat, but the pulse in question was not hers. Siblings - Marilyn Alm
She swung around, trying to localize where the pain was coming from and reached the door of the concrete block infirmary in time to see one of the section supervisors, a shirtless and surprisingly grimy Quentin McCullough, slumping to the chill concrete steps. He looked like he had been through a battle: filthy, bruised, bleeding, and shaking with exhaustion.
§ We know that it's the future in the SW US and that Dr. Farley, for some not yet explained reason, can feel others' pain. And the description of McCullough leads us to expect physical danger. But there's so far nothing to lift it out of the ordinary except Dr. Farley's ability. And this reader isn't curious enough to read on. No vote. Bill T
What I noticed immediately about this opening was the number of times "was" and "had been" occurred. The writing could be made punchy and immediate by replacing these instances with strong, active writing. The mention that Farley was "wide awake" felt a little odd; knowing she is in her office and working tells us that, and is more relevant. Overall, I don't get a sense of how Farley feels about what is happening. There is no inner reaction from her at all. Despite the nit-picks, I would read on, because I want to see more of the grimy, shirtless guy. And to find out what happened, and whether we are talking alien invasion, or what. - SA
Well I learn a lot from this opening and it has setting and conflict but I think too much is going on. In fact a part of me expects this to run towards a romance novel. I think it's that shirtless comment. LF
Psychic doctor detects victim in need, possibly not my thing, but I’m willing to run with it for a while. My main concern is the second paragraph. ‘Swung around’ and ‘reached the door’ seem poorly matched, while ‘Quentin McCullough’ isn’t where I would put it in the sentence (which would be in place of ‘one of the section supervisors). Equally I’d reword the final sentence as ‘He was X, Y and Z and looked like he had been in a battle’. DG
Not a bad opening at all. Could lose a few of the weasle words: "barely," "one of the most," "some." Graf two suffers from none of these. Sneaks by the first pass. Gets an honorable mention. --Josh
Mine. MA
I think you might lead with a shirtless, bruised, bleeding Quentin slumping to the concrete, then Alyssa's reaction while establishing the location. -North
I wondered what she was doing with cultures at a dam construction site. I guess the pain has to do with a twin in trouble? Bill A
The bit that really grabbed me was the part about the heartbeat that wasn't hers. That line right there grabbed my attention and held it. I would read more if I felt like the story (and the writing) were going to continue in that vein. - LM
The leap to identifying the pain as a foreign heartbeat really threw me. Unless it's your own pain, you'd likely call it throbbing rather than a pulse. It may be a function of the 150 word count, but it doesn't really hook where you cut off. What if you flipped that last sentence, description, and then the suggestion of the battle? Just a thought. - JS
Didn't catch or hold me. Sorry no vote. Micha
Definitely gets my interest, with a quickly set-up conflict,a hint at where the plot’s going to go, and what seems to be a psi-powered individual where the psi power is introduced in the story flow, rather than being announced directly. Third place. -JSW
Tickled my fancy. Sure, I'd have read on... even tho' the spec element (and I never thought I'd see myself typing such a thing) seems to come a little too early. -dp
A quadar known only as Lelo stood at the top of Xian's Tower and raised his six-fingered hands. The crowd of Quadarti that blanketed the square below quieted. As it had always been on Eden, the evening air was warm. His robes clung to his skin. Untitled #1 - Ron Collins
"It is time," he said in a voice that projected throughout the area. A buzz grew in the crowd. Lelo cast a shy grin at the nearby quadars decked out in full body armor and weapons. Security, Lelo thought, they actually thought they were security. But he knew ten or fifteen quadars with guns would not stop the families if they wanted to make a fuss.
"It is time the common quadar had a voice," he said above the growing din. "It is time the common quadar has the right to buy and sell whatever he wants whenever he wants to. Time to explore the land outside the Esgarat mountains, and find out what is beyond. It is time, my friends, for a change."
§ You have an alien species presenting a human political situation. The political situation sounds interesting -- I'm a political junkie -- but I'd be into it more if this were some isolated human group (lost colony?) without the distraction of pretending it's an alien species. Third place. Bill T
Sounds like he already has a voice. There isn't any indication that he is in any way repressed at all. Why must there be a change? There is no sense of tension about to snap, of a people driven to revolution. The war evening air and the obediently quiet crowd (unbelievable) gave this a feel of sleepiness. The "shy grin" at the security people made no sense to me, and made me dislike this protagonist intensely. I'm afraid I wouldn't read on. - SA
1st. This is not my favorite genre but I thought this was well written. I was given just enough information to let me know who what and where. LF
The precise POV seems a little adrift here, shifting from an apparent 3rd Person Omniscient in the first paragraph to 3rd Person Limited Omniscient in the second. It might be better to lose “A quadar known only as” from the start of the first paragraph in order to pin the POV down to Lelo. I would also lose the capitalization of ‘quadarti’ in the second sentence, it isn’t somewhere we would capitalize ‘humans’ and make a decision between ‘quadars’ and ‘quadarti’ for the plural of quadar and stick to it. Overall it doesn’t have anything that stands out as a major problem, but it just doesn’t grab me in any significant way. DG
Absolutely LOVE the title; I've used it once or twice myself.
My initial read leaves me thinking quadars are really democrats in mufti. Sorry, doesn't rise above the level of half the entries. No vote. --Josh This has possibilities, but it's a bit rough. The quadars in full body armor seem to be police of some sort, and it appears that Lelo is preaching sedition. So why is he looking at them "shyly"? I'd be inclined to think "warily". MA
"Quadar" Is the accent on the "Qua" or on the "dar" Quadar' sounds right, at least to me. Once passed that chore, I found myself wondering what this conflict is all about. It sounds like you might have enough material here for a series, rather than a short story. -North
Not a bad set up, but this hook may not be strong enough to get me to turn the page. Still, it beats a few of the others. Third Place. Bill A
The hook in this one is deceptively mellow, and took me three readings to decide that it worked for me. - LM
I'm having a perspective problem because I've never raised my five-fingered hands. I've raised dirty hands, or manicured ones. So the narrator must not be a quadar. But there's no other possibility (yet). Also in that first paragraph, there's drift of a sort: Sentence 1 is about Lelo. 2 is the crowd he addresses. 3 is the weather. 4 is back to him. It ends with a hook though, the call to arms, and it's fraught with possibilities. I'd keep reading. -JS
Yawn… reads like jihad and I read enough of that in the news. Sorry, no vote. Micha
Might have some possibilities, but the writing style needs work. It’s much too stiff and stilted, which makes it feel less than real. Even a couple of words here and there could make a substantial change in the tone – for example, just change the first word from “A” to “The” and see what happens. -JSW
Not allergic to this but I felt I might need some more info to pull me into the odd setup because right now there's no one whose shoes I can step into. -dp
In the beginning, she told him everything. She detailed her day with bright butterfly words that he captured with laughter and smiles and nods of acknowledgement. Picking up the dry cleaning was an anecdote for dinner by candlelight. They discussed the world over the plastic shower curtain, words flecked with soap and toothpaste. At night, with the lights out, the butterflies collected in her dark hair and he brushed them off with a gentle hand so he could kiss the nape of her neck. Her Box of Secrets - Lisa Mantchev
Time passed, as it does, with a baby and bills and gray hairs and clogged toilets and light bulbs that needed changing. The conversations didn't stop, but the words became moths that fluttered out of her mouth and onto the kitchen counter.
"The garbage needs to go out."
He nodded and opened the newspaper.
"I might run away from home today."
§ Again, ideal pacing for 150 words. And the butterfly/moth metaphor is beautiful and perfect. I really want to know what she means by that last line (literal? shaking up the conversation? what?). Second place. Bill T
I liked the first two paragraphs, although I'd be annoyed if I found out later that the butterflies and moths weren't real. The final three lines feel out of place. I think more exposition would work better to build up to the hook; it feels too sudden and unexplained at the moment. I might read on a little. THIRD. - SA
2nd. I liked this opening. I liked some of the images. I think getting to the gray hair was a little too quick but I'm nitpicking. LF
I love the writing here. Not only does it elegantly show the aging of a relationship, but it does it in some gorgeously turned prose. I’ve no idea where this is going yet, but it’s clearly my first place for the month. DG
And I thought "Dark Holiday" was quirky! What wonderfully refreshing phrases, and how nicely they trace the time elapsed between honeymoon and whatever qualifies as its opposite. Waltzes thru the first pass. And takes top prize. Congratulations! --Josh
The imagery is so precise in this one, I really want to read more. Words as butterflies -- or moths. The total change in their relationship. I really, really want to know why she says she might run away. 1st. MA
Nice prose. Great imagery. Great description of nearly any relationship, but isn't this all back story. Give me one of her secrets in that box; a hint. Hook me with what she is keeping secret while living in this stable, once loving relationship that became familiar and boring. He doesn't care enough to put down his paper. She wants to leave. Who wouldn't? -North
Nicely written, but will a failed romance draw me in? Not this time. Bill A
Mine. Sitting in the F&SF slush-bomb at the moment and called the "girliest story ever" by Nick Mamatas at Clarkesworld. *G* - LM
The last speech seems to be tied to "him" rather than "her." And the last two speeches in the piece aren't butterflies or moths making the "moths" and "butterflies" allegorical rather than literal. Assuming I'm using either of those words correctly. -JS
Just plain weird. Sorry, no vote. Micha
Seems a little quiet and slow, until the last line. Does she mean it? A story of domestic stress isn’t exactly a thing of which epics are made :-), but who knows? -JSW
I recognize clever when I see it, but whimsical style doesn't grab me, sorry. -dp
"This," Taravaan declared in a hissing growl, "is nuts." He pushed his chair back from the analyzer and directed a sour glare at the back of Dr. Selligar's head. A Question of Survival - Jon Woolf
Selligar turned in her chair and looked back at him. "What do you mean, nuts?"
"Do I have the idiom wrong?" the mithrac inquired. His tail flicked restlessly, showing his agitation. "How else should I say it? Like rock that breathes, or ice that sinks. Not-sane. Not-rational. Not to be believed by any intelligent observer."
He gestured at the analyzer’s readout. "The one who gave this tissue sample should be dead. Should have been dead long ago. This combination of chemicals should be toxic to any terran organism. A wlveran might be able to tolerate it, but a terran—never! Yet you say he lives?"
Selligar chuckled. "She is working with you right now."
"Nuts," Taravaan repeated.
§ So I want to know how Sellinger is alive when the chemical make-up of her tissues says she should be dead. Although to a biochemist, "combination of chemicals" is a little too vague and hand-waving. Seriously considered a third place vote but eventually went with UNTITLED #1. Bill T
"showing his agitation" is redundant. There is no tension in this opening, and no hint of an interesting problem to come. Selligar came across as smug, and Taravaan as a caricature of an alien. The lack of identification with either of them coupled with the absence of any sense of dread or unease in the situation means I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
Slightly amusing. I thought the aliens were well defined and I liked that they were attempting to use language that wasn't theirs. LF
I like this, in fact I only have two problems with it: ‘Taravaan’ just makes me think ‘caravan’ (‘trailer’ if you’re American), while ‘wlveran’ is unpronounceable as it stands and begging to be turned into ‘wolverine’. My 3rd place for the month. DG
Faithful to tropes and well-written. Can't say as it excites me a great deal. Still, it makes the first pass. Gets an honorable mention. --Josh
Possibilities on this one. I like the tail flicking. The "she's working with you" raises questions but I don't have enough of a feel for either character to have a feeling for where this might go. MA
I guess the premise of this story is that a seemingly minor, but puzzling incident of a terran being poisoned by a deadly toxin will turn into a major problem of someone's survival, but whose. Is the alien's chair built to accomodate his tail? And why isn't the terran assistant/colleague puzzled or alarmed? -North
Didn't care for the dialogue mechanics: "declared in a hissing growl", "inquired", "repeated," all call attention to the writer writing. Bill A
Oooh, are these furry warriors? I got a lecture about furry warriors at WorldCon. I am not the target audience for this piece, and I'm afraid there wasn't anything that grabbed me here. - LM
This is tricky because I really like this piece but at the same time the tension dissipates somewhat at the point where you ended. Taravaan concludes "Nuts" and the curious little 150 word story is over. -JS
This one both caught me and made me laugh and want to read on. 2nd place. Micha
Mine. A scene from a story milieu I’ve been playing with for a couple of years, which I really should get serious about developing. -JSW
I couldn't help but wonder what kind of "nuts" Taravaan is referring to. Opening sets up a question but doesn't quite hint at the significance of the answer. -dp
Paris, the most romantic city in the world if the cute girl in the car ad is to be believed. My favourite city for precisely that reason. Or at least under normal circumstances it is. Problem one, I was working and my lover was in London. Problem two, I’d spent the day with a very attractive Gendarme of the male persuasion who was convinced I should be as attracted to him as he was to me. Problem three was less than romantic, I was being hunted. Hunter Hunted - David Gillon
It had started after I’d left the Palais de Justice. As I’d wandered through the city my senses had started to tell me that something wasn’t right. Aoife tells me that being a hunter is what defines me, right this moment being a hunter was telling me that someone was hunting me, The question; was the hunter human, or were they one of us?
§ I believe the protagonist is a continuing character. This opening would probably grip someone who already knew her (him?). But there's not enough information for someone coming in cold -- meaning that the paragraph about the romanticism of Paris works in the first case but not the second. No vote. Bill T
The "It had started after I'd left the Palais de Justice" line was where the story felt it was really beginning. A couple of instances of comma misuse. The final sentence(s) are a mess. There is a lot of vagueness here that keeps me from being drawn into this story. What senses? What kind of hunter? Who is Aoife? Why is whether the hunter is human the question? I have these questions, and I would read on even if the latter two weren't explained _if_ the prose had been credible up to this point. As it is, I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
3rd. I liked this. One thing I liked was the lack of specific gender or sexual preference. I liked the voice which I interpreted as female (although I do think male voice would have been just as appropriate). The last sentence doesn't flow properly or I'm just not reading it correctly. LF
Mine, the usual suspects. The first line is almost certainly too ephemeral (though the last Renault Clio campaign did manage to put Va Va Voom into the dictionary). DG
Turn on your grammar checker, and use it. The silly mistakes in here ruin what could have been a fairly decent opening. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
I like this. Lots. The sentence about Aoife is somehow awkward and interrupts the flow of imagery for me although I can't quite say what would work to correct it. 3rd. MA
Okay. This one gets right to the story suggested by the title. She also tells us who we're getting to know and something about who or what her adversary might be, which suggests the coming conflict. I do pick the following nit:
". . . someone was hunting me, The question; was the hunter human or were they one of us?" Did you really punctuate the sentence that way? I'd suggest a period after "me," then just ask the question. The question mark will identify her thought. THIRD PLACE. -NorthA bit confusing, and some of that confusion is caused by punctuaion glitches--especially in that last whopper of a run-on sentence. Bill A
There are a few typos in this one, and I got tripped up on some of the sentence structure. I can see where the author is headed with this piece, but as is I'm not certain I'd invest the time to follow. - LM
Intrigues but draft. First two sentences stumble. "My" favourite city for that reason: Car Ad, Cute Girl or Romantic City? I'd rearrange the first sentence, start with the ad, go to paris and then it bridges into the rest a lot smoother. Problem 1: The contrast is off. Working is to Not Working as Paris is to London. Mixing the two is weaker. Problem 2: I'd cut "of the male persuasion" altogether, because this is a good issue, but too long to flow well. Does it matter that he's attractive? Problem 3: cut "less than romantic" and I think it really grows strength. Second to last sentence, "Aoife tells.." that entire first half is almost extraneous (but I see how it belongs too). And finally, grammar: I know "they" is commonly used as the genderless singular pronoun, but next to the "us" it doesn't sound "singular" and throws the whole sentence off. -JS
This one really grabbed and held me. I like the panache of the POVC enjoyed the flavor of the writing; feels like something Lis would sink her teeth into with similarities of Katie MacAlister's style as well. I'd love to read more. 1st place. Micha
I rather like this, although the short and choppy writing style detracts some from its appeal. Some punctuation errors disrupt the flow, because what comes after them isn’t what I expect to come after them. That slows my eye because I have to backtrack, which weakens the overall effect. -JSW
A couple of different problems are set up, either could be interesting. Last paragraph punctuation goes to hell in a handbasket, but I'm presuming you know this. :) -dp
I don't code the system. I don't use the system. But when the system crashes, guess whose comm lights up, just like it's doing now. Ghost in the Machine - Jack Serin
"How bad," I ask, not looking up at the face on the screen. I used to say hello, and ask what was going on. There's never any point, though.
"Luke, this upgrade is absolutely critical, and I need you to keep a handle on things." The clarion voice is Sara, the project manager, telling me all the things I didn't ask and don't care about. "The entire steering committee is looking to you for leadership on the issue—" which I know, but don't care about "—and the clients are already very volatile and this latest incident is going to really shake their confidence." Know. Don't care. "Look, you've always managed to get the job done, and you've got my every confidence that you'll get the team to fix this quickly. This is where you get to remind the leadership how great—
§ Doesn't work at 150 words. The protagonist tells us Sara is wasting his time. She's wasting ours as well. I've got enough patience I'd wait for the author to get to the point -- maybe Sara's wasting time is important -- but the admin doesn't. No vote. Bill T
Why should I care about this whiner? Wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
Too much like work. LF
I’m probably the wrong guy for this to work. It’s just too much like the day job. There’s nothing in particular that’s wrong with the writing, but I suspect that even if your day job isn’t at all like this then it’s still going to seem too normal, too everyday, to grab you. DG
I have a feeling the title is nearly as subtle as "Snakes on a Plane." Sorry, but I'm a little weary of the unappreciated programmer as protagonist; it just strikes me as shopworn. No vote. --Josh
This one has an absolutely spectacular first three sentences. Grabbed me and hauled me right in. Unfortunately, my image engine grabbed the line ad hauled back and escaped in paragraph three. MA.
I like this unappreciated genius who is going to once again solve someone else's problem and watch them get the credit. I feel a little cyber punk atmosphere closing in. FIRST PLACE. -North
There's no hint as to why the least speech is cut off, so if that's the hook, I didn't get it.
Bill Loved the opening line, even though I am technologically retarded. Hooked me, but good. Great title too... - LM
Don't find myself caring by the cut point. -JS
Cant put my finger on why it didn't work for me, it just didn't. Sorry, no vote. Micha
Definitely interests me. Maybe it’s just a feeling of shared sympathy with the POV character – I’ve been in almost the same position, so can sympathize a lot! And in this case the short, staccato structure works, as it’s first-person internal thoughts. OTOH, I think I’d also like at least a hint on what “the system” is, and why this guy (or gal?) always catches the heat when it’s down, when he doesn’t use or maintain it. Third place. -JSW
Courageous, but foolish! Many a story has foundered on the sharp rocks of first person present tense. -dp
One-eyed Draco cocked his graying head so that he could peer over the rock ledge and scan the valley below. Mark found himself staring into the man's other socket, a scarred hole in the weather-beaten profile. Ancient Weapons - Bill Allan
"They're here," Draco said.
Mark fought down a cold shiver.
"How many?"
"Too many." And Draco leaned back, offering Mark the view.
A wide creek snaked through the lush valley floor till it disappeared in a thick stand of hemlocks a half mile distant. At the edge of the trees, hundreds of horse-mounted warriors were massing on both sides of the creek. Mark could just hear the faint clanking of armor and weapons.
"It's the end of the people, lad. Those butchers'll wipe us out."
At first, the bitter resignation in Draco's voice filled Mark with despair, but then a cold anger took hold, and with it a desperate plan.
§ The situation strikes me -- and that's just me -- as a little bit of a cliché. I'd sort of like to know just what "desperate plan" Mark has come up with, so I'd read on a bit. And the opening would probably grab someone who was more into this sort of thing. But no vote from me. Bill T
I'd read on. The "scarred hole" is a nice detail, and I get a good sense of setting. The references to "them" would get annoying very quickly, though. The lack of specifics about the enemy and the protagonists would encourage me to stop reading, not keep me intrigued. The "desperate plan" is a good hook. SECOND. - SA
There are some really good descriptions but I really didn't like the last sentence. Maybe too much telling in it. Too quick. LF
I rather like the image in the first paragraph, and in general the writing works for me, but Mark is already starting to irritate me with too many signposted Important Emotions…. DG
I'm trying to picture how the POVC can see the empty eye socket of the old man. Unless, of course, he's on the wrong side of the rock ledge. A minor point, for sure, but one which might start a reader head-scratching instead of focusing on the crisis abrew down in the valley. But, since I enjoy reading this kinda stuff, I'll stick with it. Makes first pass. Finishes 3rd. --Josh
My primary problem with this one is "other socket". This implies two sockets. Which doesn't imply having any eyes at all. Unless there are two sockets and an eye. Trying to figure this out pulled me out of the Image. MA
I've been reading a lot of ancient Greek war novels lately. The latest being Steven Pressfield's The Afghan Campaign. So you have hooked me with this story, though I find myself wanting to know more about Draco than Mark. SECOND PLACE. -North
My poor attempt. Bill A
The title of this one is promising, but there wasn't anything unusual to grab my attention. At least let us see an ancient weapon and how it will be part of the cunning plan! (Impatient? Who, me?) - LM
I like the prose, but "peering" puzzles me as I try to picture that first paragraph. Again, Draco leans back allowing Mark to look. Looking into a socket should be face to face. Side-on, it isn't really seem like it would be an "into." I like the hook at the end. I'd put draco into a seperate sentence though, just for clarity. -JS
I'd like to hear the desperate plan! 3rd place. Micha
Hmmm. Moderately interesting, but something holds it back. I’m not sure what. The first time I read it, I was distracted by trying to figure out how one person standing, or sitting, or whatever beside a second, looking at his profile, could look “into the other man’s eyesocket.” Are the two characters not human? It also seems a little too ordinary, natives threatened by heavily armed and armored invaders. I think this has possibilities, but it needs a different setup that sounds less conventional. -JSW
Tell us about your plan, Mark, tell us! But let us judge for ourselves just how desperate it is. -dp
By the time he reached the clink-house Abazander had stepped in so much dung it just didn't matter any more. Of course he'd have to bear the cost of buying new shoes himself; the council would scoff if he dared file an expense claim. He sighed. Such was the burden of giving service to an unappreciative city that thought more of its torturers than it did of its inquisitors. The Ducking Stool - Mystery Man
The clink guards came to attention when Abazander entered, except for Tulmon, who remained seated behind his rough-hewn desk and scowled at Abazander as if he'd interrupted an important train of thought.
"Good even, Captain Tulmon," Abazander said. "I believe you have a prisoner for me?"
Tulmon's frown became a sly smile. "You're too late, Master Sticks-his-nose-where-it's-not-wanted," he said. "We questioned her ourselves, didn't we boys?" The guards grinned. "She's a witch all right."
§ Good character development and a good start toward developing the setting. And the situation appeals to some of my darker instincts. I'd definitely read on, but not quite up to some of this month's stronger entries. No vote. Bill T
A stand-out FIRST for this month. Funny and easy to read. I'd definitely read on. - SA
Some of the descriptions are good but I didn't like this opening. Maybe the title gives away too much, I just didn't see much beyond it that would interest me. LF
I wouldn’t actually change anything and it promises to develop in interesting and/or amusing ways, but this doesn’t quite achieve enough in what’s here in front of me to squeeze its way into this week’s places. DG
Shouldn't that be "Dunking?" Whatever. It's pretty hard to gin up much sympathy for the POVC. Perhaps if he showed a little more concern for the prisoner than he does for his shoes I'd be inclined to give him a little more time to develop. As it is, I'm not really interested in reading on. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
OK, I'm already curious about anything to do with witch procedures. (BTW, recommended reading, Escaping Salem, by Godbeer, which contrasts how New England law was supposed to work, rather than the hysteria of Salem.) I already have an image of a mincing, apparently prissy interrogator who's being side-placed by the local constabulary, who obviously don't like him or his methods. 2nd. MA
I read this opening three times and each time I got the sense that the story was over. -North
Okay, I'll bite. (Though I'm not sure if an inquisitor is going to be that much more of a sympathetic POVC than a torturer.) First Place. Bill
Other than tripping over the names, I liked this one. Nice flow, good hook. I'd rather see the "witch" right off the bat, but I'm willing to keep reading to meet her. - LM
A lot of good here, but something about it doesn't quite fit together. I wonder if there isn't too much too soon? The title suggests the witch is important, whereas the prose says the inquisitors politics are important. I'd read on, but I'm feeling unease. -JS
Didn't work for me. I really wasn't interested in who was paying for his shoes or why they were the start of the story.
Sorry, no vote. Micha Witch-hunter, suspected witch, nasty guards – not exactly an unfamiliar story, but this has enough of an unusual feel to it that I’d read on. Maybe it’s the quickly-established contrast between how Abazander views himself and his job, and the way the guard commander addresses him. Something seems very inconsistent there, and of such things are good story conflicts often born. Second place. -JSW
Sheesh, tough audience! Thanks for the votes and comments, everyone. Needless to say, Abazander takes it upon himself to rescue a scared, beaten-up girl who can't possibly be a witch. -dp
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2006 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
