Congratulations, Lisa, Susan, and Josh! September 2005 Best Openings Contest
SEPTEMBER BEST OPENINGS CONTEST RESULTS 1st 2nd 3rd V Tot Taste of Chicory - Lisa 4 0 0 1 15 Legal Tender - Susan 2 0 2 1 11 The Visitor - Josh 0 3 0 1 9 Mr. Jones Day Out- North 0 1 3 1 8 Champion of People - Derek 0 1 0 1 5 Monster Within - David 0 0 0 1 3 No Entry - Sophia 0 0 0 1 3And thanks to all who participated this month and quarter.
GRAND QUARTERLY RESULTS
Total July Aug Sept Susan 41 17 13 11 Lisa 29 5 9 15 BJ 23 11 12 ne Derek 22 9 8 5 North 14 6 ne 8 Chanpheng 13 7 6 ne David 12 ne 9 3 Josh 9 ne ne 9 Terry 3 ne 3 ne Sophia 9 3 3 3 (voted throughout quarter - thanks Sophia!)Where is she?
Okay, Susan, come out from behind that sofa and take your rightful place as the next Grand High and Exalted BOC Administrator!
I lay the cloak upon your shoulders and touch the scepter to your forehead, ever, ever so gently, as I bid you adieu.
Your ex- BOC Admin,
Bill Allan
billallan123@netzero.net
Index The Taste of Chicory at High Tide - Lisa
Champion Of The People - Derek
The Visitor - Josh
The Monster Within - David
MR.JONES'S DAY OUT - North
LEGAL TENDER - Susan
The Taste of Chicory at High Tide - Lisa
I met her on a blind date, a double dare, a fateful set-up by chaotic kismet. She strapped red boots on my feet and we danced until my blisters had blisters. She spoon-fed me spicy swamp creatures and fried bread that forever ruined me for ordinary food. We drank until I puked. She stole my wallet, got me shot at by her jealous ex-boyfriend and gave me a raging case of the crabs. I wanted to take her out again anyway, but the bitch wouldn't return my phone calls.
Until now.
"I need you. Please come," she said. I couldn't fly there (no more airplanes for me thanks,) but I still answered her summons. It was a really long walk. But when a blues singin' hoodoo slingin' mistress calls, a man's got to reply.
I found her sitting in a deserted café, adding packet after packet of sugar to her thick black espresso. There were circles under her eyes, and defeat oozed from the sodden pockets of her raincoat.§
I'm tempted to vote for this one on the strength of the title alone. Bravo! Not that it needs anything akin to a sympathy vote; the text races along grabbing handfuls of my attention as it kinks and careens from one implied crisis to the next. Wonderful, wonderful stuff! I am captivated, enthralled, and completely mystified about where this is going, and Lord how I'm enjoying the ride. Vaults through the first pass and finishes numero uno, hands down. --JoshThe language here is so stuffed full of texture, it's almost over the top. But its excesses are consistent and virtually free of cliché through the entire opening; the result is a POV voice that's both irritating and intriguing. What kind of person talks about a woman this way? Again, the language carries this opening, past an opening paragraph that's all flashback, past the unexplained tangent about airplances, past phrases that just don't make _any_ sense, e.g. how does defeat ooze from a raincoat pocket? What does that look like? Hey, whoa there! Tell me about those red boots! And so forth. 1st place -- SW
Doesn't do anything for me. I don't like the characters so far, and there is no speculative element. The writing is mostly clear, but I'm not drawn in enough to read on, sorry. - SA
Hilarious opening, dinged half a dozen different bells. FIRST. -dp
Mine. - LM
This guy likes bad girls and lots of trouble, but I'm not interested enough to read on. Set him up with The Monster Within and tell me that story, then you've got something to hold my interest. North
I adore that first paragraph. And that's pretty much all that needs to be said. First. David
Champion Of The People - Derek
The grinning Guardsman opened the door for him, admitting blinding sunlight and the deafening roar of the crowd. Khel stepped out into the courtyard and raised his arms in salute. The crowd went wild, calling his name over and over.
Hands pounded his back as he pushed his way to the raised stage. Every window and every balcony overlooking the courtyard seemed occupied by screaming, waving citizens. Today he did their bidding. They pulled his strings and he, the puppet, willingly obeyed.
He climbed up onto the stage, a square of rough wood, one edge black with the blood of ages. His apprentice, young Alinen, stood waiting. Alinen wore a black executioner's hood like Khel's, and held the gleaming broadax that would do the deed.
But Alinen's hands were shaking. His eyes warned Khel that something was wrong. Khel looked to the chopping block. There, kneeling and praying, was Lady Isbel Dazur. Suddenly Khel couldn't breathe. Isbel was to be his victim? A mistake, surely. A terrible mistake. He looked around, hoping to see Venark.§
I suspect the biggest problem with this entry is its proximity to "The Taste of Chicory." Where "Chicory" leaps madly from one flavorful new expression to another, the first graf here offers only shopworn expressions ("blinding sunlight," "deafening roar," "crowd went wild"). The next three grafs rise above the first, however, and bring the reader rapidly to the opening dilemma. Kudos for that, certainly. Survives first pass, but doesn't get a vote. Sorry. --JoshGood set-up - certainly fulfills the assignment. Good sensory images, logical progression of actions, IOW, the writer leads the reader into the conflict with a sure hand. Only nits have to do with language, e.g. passive and progressive ("ing") verbs that tend to dilute action, to slow it down. Why not have the crowd call his name, instead of saying that they do? Why not "waited," instead of "stood waiting"? Turn around the weaker "seemed occupied" to have the citizens screen and yell directly. And "hoping to see Venark" is pretty casual for the situation in the last graph, instead of "He scanned the crowd. Where was Venark?" And the sentence, "They pulled his strings…" is unnecessary, IMO; the previous sentence succinctly suggests he's doing a job that might not reflect his normal behavior. Just my two cents on the word choice, but I liked Khel, despite his vocation, so a 2nd place -- SW
There isn't anything here to make this feel different from similar scenes I've read. I'm wondering how he's going to save the Lady, but the mention of Venark detracted from the tension. I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
No, no, noooooooooooo! Not dear sweet kind lady Isbel! Mine. -dp
Immediate set-up of setting, character and conflict. This has all the right elements, but just didn't sing for me. Personal preference only, I think. - LM
Ah, the life of an executioner. Reminds me of Andre Koscuisko, but without the medical training. Still, I want to know if he swings that ax. Clearly, this is the best example of the kind of morally corrupted, but redeemable character we were challenged to create. First place. North
The headsman as celebrity, that definitely meets the requirements for a morally iffy character. Personally I'd say 'headsman's axe' rather than 'broadax', and make that the first clear indication of what he is by changing 'black executioner's hood' to just 'black hood'. Beyond that I'd be looking for an indication that this isn't standard fantasy fare. David
The Visitor - Josh
Nothing in my study appeared out of place; there were no odd sounds or smells, yet something wasn't right. I couldn't decide what, but I suspected rodents. I loathe rodents. A tiny movement caught my eye, and I drifted toward the fireplace. I armed myself with a small brass shovel and prepared to send the little bastard on to Jesus.
"I don't even get a sporting chance?" asked a diminutive man peeking out from behind a claw-footed chair leg.
I blinked, speechless. Six-inch tall people have that effect on me.
He squinted up, clearly pissed. "If it's a fight ya want, I'll give ya all you can handle."
"Sorry." I lowered the shovel. "You startled me."
"I startled you?"
Ignoring him, I knelt and searched for a control wire. Someone had gone to extraordinary lengths to pull this off. I reached for the little man, but he leapt aside as if spring-loaded.
"Bugger off!" He cried, brandishing a small but nasty looking blade. "Or would ya rather sing soprano?"§
As I'm responsible for this crap being here, I can't comment further. Accept my apologies. --JoshHmm. Which is the character we're supposed to like even though he's obnoxious or deplorable? The MC isn't particularly sympathetic, but does nothing to win me over. As for the six-inch visitor: Unless this is for younger readers (in which case the language would need a clean-up), it's a hard sell. Tiny people are not cute or intriguing just 'cause they're small. And tiny people with bad tempers are a stereotype, IMO. Show me a leprechaun who doesn't use strong language and try to pick a fight, a leprechaun who defies the literary conventions we grew up with, and then, maybe… It wouldn't fulfill this assignment, but I might read on. - SW
I liked the opening three lines a lot, but after that the tone switched from the mental picture I had, and the style of humour didn't work for me at all. I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
Pretty funny. Cute little guy. SECOND. -dp
Solid introduction of both characters (and setting, slipped into the first sentence even!) There was the conflict of their meeting, and I'm sure something will happen once the page is turned, but there isn't as clear an idea where this story is going as there is in other entries this month. Still, second place vote. - LM
A bellicose tiny man shows up in my living room. What do I do? I read the rest of the story to see if he's there looking for my help or my blood. Second Place. North
I love the writing, but I'm not sure this clearly meets the requirement for a morally questionable character. The other problem is that if you give the six-inch high guy a broad Glaswegian accent then you have a dead ringer for one of Pratchett's Mac Nac Feegle. Ultra-short and ready to fight anything has been done before. Nonetheless, I love phrases like 'send the little bastard on to Jesus', so second. David
The Monster Within - David
My life is one unending act, hiding my true nature from those who surround me.
I am the predator hiding within the herd, the monster within the deepest shadow, the thing they fear in their darkest nightmares, and yet for all that fear it is I who must hide.
I frequent the fringes of their world, the sub-culture where the rule of law is abandoned for the rule of excess; in drugs, sex and all the other myriad forms of self-abuse. I cower within the shadows at the edge of the dance floors and the darker corners of unlicensed clubs, flaunting my weakness as a lure, my body as a punching bag for their inadequacy. Money changes hands, but it is only a cipher, they bring all I need, all I fear. They pay me and yet they pay the greater price. My body is broken, but my body will mend. When I break their bodies, their life ends.
I am eternal, I am woman, I am monster, I am predator, I am prey.§
"I am eternal, I am woman, I am monster, I am predator, I am prey." To which I can only respond, "I am confused." Also, I suspect all those I-ams should have been set apart with semi-colons. This has a taste of literary self-consciousness that just doesn't work for me; I'd rather see something of which au tells. Sorry, no vote. --JoshHmm. All talk and no show. Internal dialogue without grounding in external setting. Maybe the MC is nuts or deluded, or lives in a fantasy world, but we, the readers, need context for a character as self-absorbed as this one. Is this a journal entry? Are these the thoughts that float in and out of the MC's mind as she's stalking someone? Is this a really weird college application essay? This might work further into the story, but I need to see the nature of the MC in action, in a specific location, playing a role, etc., in order to attribute weight and meaning to this entry. IOW, it doesn't working as an opening, IMO. - SW
This opening told me nothing. No vote, and wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
Nice setup, just a little too "literary" for my tastes perhaps, and maybe I'm wrong but there doesn't seem to be much hint of what the actual story might be about? -dp
I hate to say that I almost didn't get past the first sentence. This entry sounded like a voiceover from the introduction to a movie, and while it might work for some readers, it just didn't work for me. (Sorry! Personal preference.) -
This woman scares me. Her introspection offers little to show any inclination toward redemption. What is she doing outside her head that might incline us to identify with her? North
Mine, another take on an old story of mine about a female vampire. David
MR.JONES'S DAY OUT - North
"Do fat people have adiposable thumbs?"
Not one of the bank employee faces in front of the young man holding the hand grenade so much as smirked.
"Huh. Guess you hadda be there."
"Moving on!"
"You all know the old song that goes, "'Follow my instructions exactly, and no one gets hurt.'"
"And for extra incentive note the graphic." And with that, Mr. Jones (the name he chose for this job) raised the grenade high over head and pulled the pin.
Mr. Jones's audience gasped as one, as he had anticipated, then they kind of shrank into one another.
"Oh, so you are alive?" He replaced the grenade pin.
"Now listen very carefully," he said as if speaking to preschoolers.
Then in his normal baritone voice, "The gentleman on my right is Mr. Cash. He's here for the money. The gentleman on my left is Mr. Mean. He's here because he doesn't think I can be nasty enough, and he's probably right. So please don't irritate him."
"I am Mr. Jones. I'm here for information."§
"Adiposable?" Sadly, I don't have my American Heritage Dictionary handy or I'd look this one up. Is it really a word? I'll assume it is and has merely uncovered another of my shortcomings.The rest works well, and I like it. Sails through the first pass and finishes Second. --Josh This got a vote because the situation presented a criminal character whose personality was redeemed by his dialogue. I see the scene, almost as the opening to a caper film. Having said that, I'll note a few stylistic bumps in the road: Since a new paragraph of dialogue usually indicates a new speaker, I was a little confused until I got the idea that the MC was the only one speaking. Also, try to introduce the cronies earlier; I had no idea he wasn't alone. And introducing his name early is unnecessary and dilutes the impact of his announcement in the last line, IMO. "Oh, so you are alive?" sounds formal--most of the MC's dialogue is breezier, more humorous. Generally can't stand unattributed dialogue in the first sentence. And, in the second sentence -- hmm. I believe an employee might smirk, but a face _wouldn't_. My 2 cents only, but take care of both nits something like this:----- "Do fat people have adiposable thumbs?" said the young man holding the grenade. Not one of the bank employees facing him so much as smirked. ----- Offbeat enough for a 3rd place. - SW
The dialogue was confusing here; I didn't know who was saying some of the lines. I didn't realise until the end that there were three people, rather than one, holding up the bank. The writing needs polishing to fix the spacing errors and to add the missing commas. Also missing "his" before "head and pulled the pin". I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
Jones, and this opening, felt remote and aloof, I didn't quite feel as involved as I should have been. I wish I knew what adiposable thumbs meant, use of the word suggested author has a large vocabulary yet the opening's structure felt unusual, with the dialogue incorrectly formatted, as if more than one person was speaking. -dp
I liked the character's voice, but the way his speech was formatted really threw me for a loop and I had to go back and read the entire entry again to make sure it really was only one person speaking. Confusing, but good set-up of conflict. Third place vote for originality. - LM
Reservoir Dogs rides again. I'd think again about the opening pun, it took me forever to get -- don't irritate the paying customer! It's competently written, but so 'I' oriented and locked into one PoV that I would be strongly tempted to make it first person. A close third. David
LEGAL TENDER - Susan
Gorman unfolded the square of newsprint and slowly tipped it, just enough to sprinkle half of yesterday's salt on the swamp rat. Her fire had burned off most of the creature's hair and crisped the golden flesh to charcoal. Damn, what a day! Patrols rattling over the bridge for hours, dripping truck lube through the slats onto her tent. She tore off a fibrous chunk of leg meat, and closed her eyes as she chewed.
"Stop it," she mumbled through a mouthful of rat. She opened her eyes.
Her dobrin hostage knelt at the tent opening. The gag Gorman had tied over his mouth was soaked with spittle, or whatever the frog-faces drooled when they were scared.
"Yeah, you! You're staring at me. Stop it."
Gorman followed his gaze downward to her half-eaten dinner. "Very funny, tell me another one. You know what I went through for this chow? Four hours catching the bastard, not to mention straining the salt…Crap!" she swore as the dobrin keeled over. "Don't you dare die on me!"§
I used to work for someone named Gorman. I won't hold his idiocy against this character (who I like, btw). I'd like to see more. Makes first pass, and finishes Third. --JoshMine - SW
I found it a little hard to follow the "he" and "she" references, and had to reread it several times to get the various characters straight. However, this opening is the most interesting and original-feeling of the entries this month, and I would read on, so FIRST. - SA
Captured my interest and my curiosity, who is Gorman, what's she doing here, what the heck's a dobrin, what are they doing here, where IS here, etc. Oh, and maybe this isn't a problem, but I couldn't help but think there's a danger the other frog-faces (cute) might smell the overdone crispy rat kebab. THIRD. -dp
This character is the noble half savage that is going to rise to a better station in life. Either that or she's the kind of character that becomes the side kick to the main character yet to be introduced. Third Place. North
I think this one probably needs expanding to work as an intro, there's just too many questions to clearly establish the situation -- invaded Earth? homeless bum with a taste for kidnapping? The writing itself is fine, I just think there needs to be more of it -- sometimes the BoC word count limits mean a particular idea just doesn't work as well as it deserves. No place, but not because I didn't like it. David
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