I do think it verges on pointless to run a BOC with so few entries: As I understand it, the BOC has been run more successfully, and without interruption, than any other IMPs writing activity; it would be a shame to watch it die a slow lingering death [wry g].

However, we should raise a cheer for the folks who did participate, either by writing and/or commenting.

Here's the tally. Note - Not everyone gave votes for all three places, so the count may seem off to you.

Index FREEDOM'S PRICE - Dee-Ann Latona
XIANGU - Bill Allan
THAT WHICH IS WRITTEN - Derek Paterson
UNTITLED - Adrienne C. Gormley
JUST A CAMPING TRIP... - Jon Woolf

FREEDOM'S PRICE - Dee-Ann Latona

      Lord Mateo straightened his coat as the scrawny page left him to wait. Behind him, metal grated against metal as the King's soldiers adjusted their weapons. He almost hoped that Lord Adriano would press their patience. Seeing that madman's head separated from his body would let many a peasant and noble sleep better at night. Especially himself, after today
      The page jogged down the hall toward them, and then stopped and stiffened back into his formal posture. "Lord Adriano will see you now."
      Mateo nodded and followed without a word, reassured by the metallic jangling behind him. Lord Adriano was not going to give up his favorite pet easily. There would be repercussions that would only make sense to the madman, himself. That was why the King had chosen him, of course. Only Lord Mateo was fool enough to see this particular assignment through.
      He and his damn principles. His father had warned him that they would be the death of him. Today, he might be proven right.
§

Didn’t catch my interest, sorry. I think words were wasted describing things that didn’t really give any useful or intriguing information (the page jogging down the hall, and the repetition of ‘madman’.) The hes and hims in the last two sentences made the ending unclear, and made it too much work to want to read on. - SA

Not bad, I'd read on, tho' I wasn't sure whether the King's soldiers were hostile toward Lord Mateo or were his escort, clarify immediately please. And there's just a little too much inner thought too soon, thrown in before I'm familiar enough with Mateo and the current situation. Despite this, THIRD -dp

Good set-up of conflict between two lords, though we don't know the cause of the conflict yet. We get the idea that there have been other incidents which indicate that Adriano is mentally unstable. I felt sympathy for Lord Mateo, apparently an honorable man faced with a difficult, possibly deadly assignment.
There are a number of grammar nitpicks here and there, but the opening is a good one. -Dri

Confused me a little toward the end of the 4th graph. After using "himself" to refer to Adriano, writer uses "him" to refer to Mateo in the very next sentence. Swapping one of the pronouns out for a proper noun ought to clear things up. Otherwise, having contentious characters in the foreground and action on the horizon earns—First Place. WA

This, to a simpleton like me, is a complicated opening with its wealth of personal and political detail. There is a promise of conflict in several areas so I would read on a bit more to see how the author developed the opening and to see if I was hooked or thrown out. Second. /Kevin S.

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XIANGU - Bill Allan

      Doctor Fleming looked out the window and shook his head, and I remembered something my grandmother told me twenty-five years ago.
      "I think I started getting old the day your grandpap died, Ray. Find yourself the right person to love and you’ll live forever."
      I’d glanced up from the no-nonsense clicking of her knitting needles to her careworn eyes, a little embarrassed at the mysterious personal advice. The following year we lost her to pancreatic cancer, and last month the same death sentence had fallen on me via this puzzled young doctor’s diagnosis.
      "I’m having a hard time getting my head around this, Ray, but as you might imagine, the results have been triple checked."
      "You’re saying you made a mistake, initially."
      "No mistake. I have your blood tests, the x-rays."
      "So where’d the cancer go?"
      "You tell me."
      I flashed on Pei Ming, how we’d made tender, urgent love two nights ago, and how I’d felt after. Healthy. Ageless. But she’d left before I awoke, for no apparent reason.
      I had to find her.
§

The flashback so early on was a little jarring, but not enough to ruin the opening. However, the ending hook is very weak. The threat is gone, and there is no compelling reason given as to why he has to find her. I’d read on for a couple of lines, maybe, but it doesn’t really catch my interest. - SA

Doctor and grandmother compete for attention in the first few paragraphs, which proved distracting—grandmama has to go. Interesting setup re his mystery cure and the mystery girl. SECOND -dp

Ordinarily I don't care for first-person POVs, but this one hooked me right away. After reading through it, I had a clear picture of a man sitting in his doctor's office, mysteriously cured of cancer. One thing we don't know is how old the man is. Is he in his 40s? 50s? 60s? His grandmother spoke to him 25 years ago, but we don't know how old he was at the time. Was the cancer something that struck him in the prime of life, making the miraculous cure more of a triumph? Or had he had a full life already, and has a new lease on life with the cure?
It's a good opening—I want to know who Pei Ming is, and what she had to do with the cure, for apparently there's a connection. I'd continue reading. -Dri

He Xiangu, or He Xian-Ku, one of the Eight Immortals of Taoist mythology, is often depicted as a girl holding a lotus blossom. WA

I think I’d have preferred Ray’s desperate search for Pei Ming to have come first and the medical and grandma details to be more evenly spaced. It did seem too much info on different things for me to take in on a first read. /Kevin S.

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THAT WHICH IS WRITTEN - Derek Paterson

Feet splashed through a puddle, alerting De Bruin. He rolled over onto his stomach and crawled forward until he could just see out of the open hayloft door. Below, a boy of eight or nine paused to look around the shadowed courtyard. De Bruin knew what he was searching for—the soothsayer, God rest his soul, had been quite specific about the place, even if the exact time had eluded his witch sight. Which was why De Bruin had lain hidden in this rat-infested dungheap of a village for two long days and nights. Now here was the boy, blue-eyed and corn-haired. He didn't look much, but his legend would grow and grow and would be passed down through countless generations, the soothsayer claimed, to be remembered while time erased others of far nobler blood.
The boy saw the smithy and started forward. De Bruin arose silently and crept to the loft hatch. The boy waited until his eyes adjusted to the darkness within before he entered. Then he saw the anvil.
§

The writing is okay but there is no tension at all. The boy is destined to be a legend; good for him, and I’m jealous, and I was hoping that De Bruin had been searching and waiting because he was going to attempt an assassination. No hint of that, though. Might read on a little, but will stop if it doesn’t pick up soon. - SA

Outstanding! It's clearly only a matter of time before this author produces something that's vaguely readable. Keep at it! -dp

This has the makings of a coming-of-age story, which I like—early histories, the development of a hero before he's off doing Grand Things.
I'd perhaps add a little description of De Bruin ("bruin" makes me think of "bear", so is the character a tall, burly man? It's not clear why De Bruin is there—is he out to snuff out a legend before it begins, or is he there to ensure that the boy achieves his potential? -Dri

In spite of some POV slippage in the second graph (abruptly we're in the boy's head), this isn't a bad setup. I'd probably turn the page. Third Place. WA

This is the opening I am most comfortable with on first read. It sets the scene easily while giving enough background detail to gain my interest and make me continue reading. First. /Kevin S.

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UNTITLED - Adrienne C. Gormley

The wind blew, sweeping the landscape with broad strokes. Sand swirled in intricate patterns, a dance ending abruptly as the wind moved on and took its music elsewhere. Tent flaps ruffled, ropes stretched taut and hummed, and then were still.
Solenger pushed one of the tent flaps aside, shielding his eyes as he stepped into the bright sunlight. To the untrained observer, the environment was dull and unvarying, a stretch of sand and rocks as far as the eye could see. To Solenger, the land was unique, a kaleidoscope of varying shades, from purest white to smoky greys and browns. The contours of stony, irregular hills and smooth dunes provided variety. Even the sand wasn’t the same, ranging from coarse granules to the finest of dust, which had a tendency to get blown into everything—into the food, the water, the bedding, as well as the computers and other diagnostic equipment. The land represented a treasure, to those who were able to find it. Many had died trying. He was determined to succeed where others had failed.
§

No conflict, no character, all description, but nothing that makes this setting interesting. If he’s set up a tent on it, that means he’s already found the land, doesn’t it? Success achieved, end of story. Wouldn’t read on. - SA

OK, it's windy and dusty and there's interesting scenery, to a geologist, and it's dangerous, but what's his purpose in being here? Seems kinda vague... on second thoughts, make that non-existent. Would be worth including, methinks. -dp

Some nice scene setting—one way to create suspense. And though we had to wait until the last two sentences to get a little characterization and a whiff of immediate danger, I still give it—Second Place. WA

‘The wind blew…’ is a bit flat as the opening sentence. Perhaps, ‘The wind sweeping the…swirling the sand in intricate patterns…’? ‘Tent flaps ruffled…’ does not sound altogether right to my ear. ‘The land represented a treasure, to those who were able to find it. Many had…where others had failed.’ These sentences causes confusion as the author has previously stated that Solenger found the land he was observing, ‘unique’. If he is already camped there what is he actually searching for? A little tidying up could turn this into something more promising. Third. /Kevin S.

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JUST A CAMPING TRIP... - Jon Woolf

      Allen swung his heavy frame-pack onto his back, closed the landcar's cargo hatch and moved to join the rest of the group.
      "Nice job of packing for a first-timer," his friend Morro commented. "Seems like you balanced it pretty well."
      Allen grinned in response. "I want to make sure this vacation is fun. First time I've ever been on a long outing like this."
      "We're not ready to start yet, though," Morro continued. "Put it down, save your strength; we'll be on the trail a long time today." Allen nodded and quickly slid the pack to the ground.
      Footsteps nearby made him turn his head. "Hello, Allen," Jerryn said. "Mind if I have a look at your pack?"
      "How come?" Allen asked. "Morro already said it's ok."
      "Morro's not your lead guide," Jerryn said. "I am. Now, let me see what's in your pack, please."
      Allen opened his pack. "I've got bedroll, clothes, soap, water purifier, fishing line and hooks, emergency radio, camera, solar charger... Everything I should have, right?"
      Jerryn frowned. "Not everything. Where's your gun?"
§

Hasn’t caught my interest - the lack of any speculative element is the main reason, I think. Lacks tension. Some hint of what they are expecting to encounter on the trail might help. FIRST. - SA

FIRST. Liked the promise of adventure to come. -dp

This one needs to be longer, to develop the setting and situation more. The last sentence was an attention-grabbber, as intended. I might read on to see how it develops.
The term "landcar" suggests that there might be other transportation available, maybe "watercars" or "aircars". The mention of an "outing" suggests that perhaps this society is insular, and extended excursions outside cities are carefully planned. I think the mention of a gun is for safety purposes, since hunting wasn't mentioned earlier.
Good grammar, and well-constructed sentences. Allen didn't "grin" his words, thanks! <g> -Dri

Writer eventually gets his ducks in a row, but the dialogue needs to loose some excess fat and gain some drama. Slap me if I'm being too presumptuous SLAP! but here's an attempted rewrite with snappier dialogue and enhanced conflict. I preserved the word count and maturity level, though had this been mine, I'd probably have salted the language with some tough-guy obscenities:

      Allen swung his heavy frame-pack onto his back, closed the land car's cargo hatch and joined the rest of the group.
      "Not bad for your first time," Morro said after a cursory glance at Allen's gear.
      "Thanks.  Wasn't exactly sure what I'd need, so I brought everything."  Allen's attempt at casual laughter didn't work.
      "Relax, man!"  Morro smiled easily. "It's just a little hike in the woods, right?"
      Allen heard footsteps and turned.
      "Glad you could make it, bro."  At six-five, Jerryn towered over him, and Allen wondered again how the man had gotten the white scar that decorated his black cheek.  "Let's see your kit," he said.
      "Morrow already checked it out."
      "Morrow ain't in charge of this cake walk.  I am."
      "Whatever."  Allen stood aside.
      Jerryn tossed the bedroll on the ground, pawed through clothes, soap, water purifier, fishing line and hooks, emergency radio, camera, solar charger, then looked up at Allen like he wanted to kick something.
      "Weren't you told to pack heat, boy?"
      "Heat?"
      "Yeah.  Where's your weapon."
WA

As the title suggests, this opening is about a camping/hunting trip. It did not grip or pique my interest. None of the characters showed any tension, unease or gave any indication that this was anything other than a normal occasion. /Kevin S.

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All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2005 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.

March 2005 Best Openings Contest Results

FREEDOM'S PRICE - Dee-Ann Latona

XIANGU - Bill Allan

THAT WHICH IS WRITTEN - Derek Paterson

UNTITLED - Adrienne C. Gormley

JUST A CAMPING TRIP... - Jon Woolf