Hello, hello – June 2005 Best Openings Contest Results
This is my last month as BOC Administrator, and I simply don’t have the heart to make you click on “View Entire Message” to see the results.
So no clever intro. Besides, I have to finish packing ?.
Tied for third place—and probably shocked beyond belief that they’re in sync:
Lynn Fernandez for “Untitled #2” (catchy title, that ?), and Derek Paterson for “Careful Visitors Welcome.”
Hip-hip hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!
In second place, in his (or her) first BOC:
North (aka CardinalDog), for “Veterans.”
Yay, North!!! Looking forward to seeing more for you.
(Note: This entry came in at 107 words, slightly over half the allowance – and Lynn’s entry was 20 words shy – so next time folks complain they don’t have enough words to do the job...)
And in first place for the June BOC:
Bill Allan, for “Peripheral Vision.”
Way to go, Bill!
Here are the votes for June. An interesting spread this month, with all writers getting votes from at least two readers, and no one getting votes from more than four.
Note: I've listed points earned for each category of vote, not the number of votes. (e.g. Bill has 9 listed under 1st place, which means he got 3 first-place votes @ 3 points each.
JUNE 2005 BOC RESULTS TOTAL___1ST___2ND___3RD___VOTED___AUTHOR_________ENTRY _13________9_____________1_______3____William Allan_______Peripheral Vision _11________3______4______1_______3____North(CardinalDog)___Veterans __9________3______2______1_______3____Lynn Fernandez______Untitled #2 __9_______________6______________3____Derek Paterson______Careful Visitors Welcome __8________3______2______________3____Chanpheng Lew _____The Monsoon Visitor __7________3______2______2_____________Terry Martin________Untitled #1 __7________3_____________1_______3_____Jon S. Woolf_______Untitled #3 __5______________________2_______3____Adrienne C.(Dri) ____Starwalking __3______________________________3____Sophia Ahmed (voted only)And now, the All-Important Quarterly Results. (For newcomers, the writer with the greatest number of points over three months of BOCs becomes the Administrator for the next quarter. This is a Great Honor which, inexplicably, folks try to avoid, lol).HERE'S THE QUARTERLY TALLY (votes for March, April, and June 2005; May skipped due to 7-in-7) Note - A blank space in any month generally means the writer didn't participate that month.
TOTAL___March___April___June___ WRITER __36________11_____12_____13_____William Allan __25_________8______8______9_____Derek Paterson __20_______________12______8_____Chanpheng Lew __19_________9______3______7_____Jon S. Woolf (voted only April) __16________________9______7_____Terry Martin __13_________6______5______2_____Adrienne C.(Dri) __12________10______2____________Dee-Ann Latona __11______________________11_____North(CardinalDog ___9_______________________9_____Lynn Fernandez ___9_________3______3______3_____Sophia Ahmed (voted only) ___8________________8____________Mike Perschon ___3_________3___________________Kevin S. (voted only)Yup, talent and consistency will tell. After winning all three months of the past quarter, the clear victor is:BILL ALLAN!!
Don’t try to talk, Bill. I understand. You’re overcome with emotion. Someone hand Bill a tissue and give him a hug, okay?All right, people. It’s been grand, but I’m outta here!
(Susan tosses Gavel of Responsibility to Bill, and skips away, giggling)
Index Starwalking - Dri
Careful Visitors Welcome - Derek
Veterans - North
Untitled #1 - Terry
Peripheral Vision - Bill
Untitled #2 - Lynn
Untitled #3 - Jon
The Monsoon Visitor - Chanpheng
Starwalking - Dri
The sound of water slowly dripping was maddening. Leyla was unable to ignore her thirst with the constant reminder that water was near, if only she could reach it. She blindly felt her way along the stony walls of her imprisonment. Damp, but still not enough to collect a drink. Ten paces to the corner, turn, fifteen paces to the next, sixteen after that, eighteen to where she started, brushing past the crumpled sides of her scout ship.
This was supposed to have been a typical reconnaissance run. Two orbits around the planet, take standard readings, do second-level readings in the atmosphere, then land and collect more data if the first two readings were within the parameters set for potential mining/colonizing operations.
A cakewalk, her superiors had said. Yeah, right. Here she was, stuck in a pitch-black crevasse, having been hit by a sudden storm that her instruments didn’t detect until it was too late. She only hoped her homing beacon was working. She’d been here days already. Her water was gone, and her food supplies low.§
Works OK for me but after the establishing para gave way to "and here's how she ended up here" I got this urge to have read the story from the point where it actually began -- high orbit, the atmosphere tests, the storm, the crash, the crevice, the hopeless situation. -dpStarwalking - no action - only exposition. Yes it has character conflict and setting but it's all talking. Yes, I think it has dark. LF
Starwalking Leyla (from Futurerama? That would be cool.) is in a dark hole. Apparently so deep she can't see any sky. That's dark! Short on supplies, no communications, no way out. Surely, some one is coming to the rescue. I'd keep reading to find out. Please just don't use time travel to get her out, or wake her from a dream, or the coma she's actually in. 3rd - North
Starwalking: I didn’t get the deal about the dripping water. If it was dripping in the ship, she’d be able to find it, right? And if it were outside, how could she hear it? The second and third graphs were infodump, that second graph especially egregious because auth seems to have stepped completely out of the tight POV established in the first graph. Let’s face it, Leyla wouldn’t be recapping those facts that matter-of-factly in her present circumstances. WA
There's too much info-dumping in the beginning. Would be better if there were more description – even if the POV character can't see anything, other description – smells, sounds would be better. CL
The idea of water just being out of reach was a good image to latch on to, but the pacing description and the following paragraphs distanced me and put me off. I thought Leyla was in a cave, and then that she was in her ship, and finally realised that she was outside it. I'm saying that setting therefore was generally unclear and vague, for me. Leyla doesn't come across as resourceful, and there is no characterisation beyond that. Conflict is there, but I'm not drawn in because of the summary style of the opening. Dark element is there. I do like the title, though. I might read on a little. - SA
Comment: Nice job of setting the stage, and of evoking the main character's feelings. Still, a little too much "telling"and not enough "doing." Maybe add something about rechecking her ship's homing beacon "for the n'th time." One thing does rather break the flow of the story: assuming her paces are average size for a human, the numbers given make the size of her little "prison" only a few hundred square feet -- the size of a small house. Make that the first floor of a small house. She must have been flying a really small ship...3rd –JSW
My entry, won't vote for my own. AC
The situation shows promise, and the writer uses good detail to establish setting (which is certainly dark). Better, I think, to stay closer in the character’s POV and with the immediate crisis, rather than giving so much detail about the mission. The first and last lines of the 2nd graph are all we need, IMO, to establish why she’s there. At least for now. More preoccupation with thirst would help, I think, plus introduction of immediate danger, e.g. is she alone? Is she fighting panic? She seems a bit blase for the situation, unless she’s not human. Possibilities here, with a bit of work – Admin.
Careful Visitors Welcome - Derek
...Clickety-click, gentle rocking, warm blanket over her legs—
Daphne woke with a start, looked out into darkness and wondered where the world had gone. "Where are we?" she demanded.
Opposite her, Mark put down his tourist guide book and chuckled. "You fell asleep, silly," he said. "Nothing to worry about, we're passing through a tunnel. Next stop is some place called Grontzer, according to the schedule. Not sure how you'd pronounce that. I hope I didn't wake you?"
"Mmm? Oh no, it was the odd change in sound, I'm sure," Daphne said. "The Principality of Grontzer. My grandmother told me it lies between Austria and Switzerland. I didn't realize we'd be passing through."
At that moment they emerged from the tunnel and found themselves looking at a quaint little European town, behind which rose a fairytale castle with pointed towers.
"Quite the tourist trap," Mark said.
The train slowed as it pulled into a station, revealing dozens of men wearing sinister black uniforms and rather grim expressions.§
What the hell is this junk, some kind of crazy crossover between The Prisoner of Zenda and Man In The Iron Mask? Get a life, you chump. -dpCareful Visitors Welcome - I liked it up until the last sentence. Yes, it has character conflict and setting and if they get rid of that damn sentence and continue on with the story. I might actually like it. Yes, this has dark. LF 2nd
It's dark. There are characters, and there is approaching conflict. This is a Twilight Zone episode where two nice people get to meet some Fascists up close and personal. I hope there's an original twist to this to keep me reading. The Nazis do seem to have a strange fascination for us. It could work.- North
Careful Visitors Welcome: Why the opening ellipsis? I thought "clickety-click" was the constant, monotonous sound of the train’s wheels on the tracks, so it confused me when I read there’d been an "odd change in sound." In the last sentence, I thought that "revealing" was poor word choice, that the genteel modifier "rather" detracted from the grimness of the men instead of intensifying it, and that the adjective "sinister" was melodramatic, telling, and unnecessary. WA
I enjoyed this, though usually I don't like an opening where a character awakes and is disorientated. In this case, the waking up and the disorientation are foreshadowing, then there's a sense of normacy restored, then the black uniforms. It's nice, quite a trick in 175 words. 2nd place. CL
The title caught my attention, as I was thinking about how the meaning could change in an interesting way depending on where (and if) a comma was placed in it. The story didn't catch my attention. The dialogue between Daphne and Mark was mundane and strongly put me off the characters' personalities. This opening loses a lot of points for the lazy use of "European" as a description of the town: would that be a southern Spanish Moorish town, or a northern English industrial town, or...? Dark element is there in the black uniforms. No conflict to speak of. I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
Comment: A little slow to start, but that last sentence does punch it up a level. Promises to be interesting. JSW
Good scene setup, two people traveling, the tourist guide book indicating it's for pleasure and not business. The dark-uniformed men at the train station adds the requisite "darkness" for the assignment. I'd likely read a little more to find out who they are and what they want. Second place. AC
I’ve always liked stories about fantasy worlds that coexist with our “real world,” so I rather enjoyed this opening. “wondered where the world had gone,” is a nifty line, IMO – a good description of normal disorientation on awakening, but forewarning that the world has, indeed, gone away. Same goes for mention of “odd change in sound.” Nothing fancy here; the characters are fairly conventional, but that can make for greater contrast when Grontzer shows its stuff. I’d read on. - Admin
Veterans - North
In the abandoned cabin on the lake shore, Casey stood by the window to undress in the waning daylight, wanting Ryan to see her clearly. Her blond mop of hair is cropped to keep it out of her way in a fight, and her eyes, in a small oval face, are clear and blue like the occasional patch of sky reflected in the lake water near the shore. Her slim, muscular body, like his, carries a few scars from old battles. The first visible reaction from Ryan is a raised eyebrow as his fingertips brush the rose tattoo on her left breast where her nipple should be.§
Wrong tense in the first sentence, dimwit -- "Casey stands by the window..." Cheeky opening, good specfic element, I'm curious too, tho' I would have appreciated seeing a deeper WTF reaction from Ryan, a raised eyebrow seemed insufficient... unless he's going to show her his crotch tattoo. SECOND. -dpVeterans - Very well done. Character, conflict, setting, and the dark element. More! More! 1st LF
Mine - North
Veterans: What’s the POV here, omniscient third person? It jarred when it switched from Casey’s POV to either Ryan’s or omniscient from one sentence to the next. And, wait a minute, haven’t we switched tenses, too, from past to present? Intentional experimentation or intuitive meandering? Either way, I’m not sure I can get behind it. One final question--why not take advantage of the 175-word allowance? I did like the image of the tattoo, and having it replace a missing nipple made this excerpt genuinely darker than the other offerings. On that basis alone, I gave it my Second Place vote. WA
I don't find this compelling. I'm not sure why. It seems to start in the middle of something, but I guess I don't relate to the characters. CL
Interesting opening. I wasn't sure if the last sentence was to be taken literally, but I'd read on to see it clarified. There was a change in tense after the first sentence to present tense, which didn't work for me. The lack of reaction from Ryan was unusual, but not explained as being due to some interesting aspect of the setting. I think it would have helped this opening to make full use of the allowed word count. THIRD. - SA
Comment: Too short and too quick. There isn't enough material here to get any kind of good feel for the story to come. And what little is here isn't really enough to catch my interest. JSW
The first sentence was in past tense, the rest in present tense, which was a bit awkward. Why are they in an abandoned cabin? Are they currently in a war situation, or two veterans meeting for a rendezvous? Intriguing that Casey would choose to highlight a disfigurement rather than attempt to hide it. AC
Interesting situation and setting, physical and sexual tension. Also, excellent use of very few words. Overall impact weakened, however (IMO) by uneven technique. E.g. – change in verb tense. Change “stood” to “stands” in first sentence and you’re consistently present tense. Not my favorite storytelling tense, but it seems to be popular [shrug]. Watch the use of “ing” words (another pet peeve); “wanting” as it stands refers to the daylight. I’d break the long first sentence: ...”in the waning daylight. She wants Ryan to see her clearly.” (This also would create more variation in your sentence length). Your descriptiohn of Casey’s face has some lovely detail, but it’s totally improbably if Casey is the POV character. I’d probably read on. (even though I pretty much can’t stand present tense storytelling ?). - Admin
Untitled #1 - Terry
It was cold. He knew that much. His hands moved over the—floor?—and he found it cold, damp, probably stone. Smooth, not like concrete. Not much friction. He sniffed; damp smells, nothing particularly identifiable. Was he in a cellar of some kind? Surely not a dungeon. There just weren't dungeons in Kansas. He thought for a moment, and then realized he knew he was in Kansas. That was something. He investigated further, and found he was wearing sweat pants and a T-shirt. He knew the names of these items of clothing; that, too, was a minor victory.
His head hurt. He felt gingerly, and found a bump. Well, that explained it. He had bumped his head on something. Maybe someone had hit him with—what was it called in mystery novels? A blunt instrument.
Another piece of data; he read mystery novels.
Did he know anything else? Apparently not. Name, age, occupation, all blank. He tried to sit up, and fainted.§
Alas Kansas will forevermore be identified with Dorothy and Oz, I'd change the state to avoid giving the wrong images and mindset. And alas, I've probably read enough amnesiac stories and openings to last me a lifetime. Not a bad opening, I'm just jaded by the idea, that's all. -dpUntitled #1 - I sort of liked this quirky piece. Has all the elements. 3rd LF The story is untitled and so is the character. Sometimes a name alone can provide us with a clue to a character's character, even if it turns out the character is nothing that her name implies. The cold dark setting and the mind darkened by amnesia do provide both internal and external conflicts. People like warmth and light and to know who they are, at least superficially. I hope the word play around Kansas is not an Oz reference. Quotes from the Wizard of Oz have become a pet peeve of mine, you may have lost me right there. And I will stop my rant before it starts. - North
Untitled #1: The interior dialogue didn’t quite ring true, and there wasn’t enough going on here to hook me. Sorry. WA
I thought this was interesting – the character is just coming to and trying to use all senses to determine where he is. It certainly seems dark, visually that is. 3rd place. CL
I think this could be the start of an interesting story, if the characterisation got underway in the next paragraph. I liked the fainting at the end. Dark element present. I'd read on to see where this goes. Would get a FOURTH if that was allowed
. - SA Comment: This one is intriguing. The slow "drip drip" of information as the protagonist remembers each bit is a good way to also give the reader that information. There's enough mystery and interest that I would like to read on. The only thing I would change is the last sentence: instead of saying "he fainted," say something like "his mind went blank again."-2nd – JSW
I really liked this one. It's a good mix of him exploring his surroundings and figuring things out in his mind simultaneously. We get to see him putting the pieces together as he discovers them. I'd read on to see what happens to him. First place. AC
Certainly dark, and stayed well in MC’s POV. Internal dialogue believable. FWIW, the Kansas refereence didn’t bother me, although “Oz” did flash through my mind. (I do think, however, that if you’re not connecting to Oz, you ought to change the name of the state). You used “cold” and “damp” twice each in the opening; suggest less repetition and more metaphor – those are pretty vague adjectives. And if it’s “nothing particularly identifiable,” that should be cause for concern, shouldn’t it? I.e. the smells are unfamiliar. Fainting is kind of a lame way to end the entry, ‘cause you eliminate your POV. One assumes he’ll wake up in a different location, or facing a different situation (e.g. other creatures) – but fainting doesn’t add much, and more or less kicks the reader out of the story. Have a door open, or a new smell ir sound approach, and it would pick up this opening, IMO. - Admin
Peripheral Vision - Bill
They’d taken Brandon’s eyes when he was nine, so he didn’t remember much about real colors, but when he heard her speak, he saw an intense blue, a blue infused with the color of blood.
"Can I help you, sir?" she asked.
"I’m fine, thank you." He responded to her automatically, as he would to any helpful sighted person, the same curt tone in his voice. After all, depending on the kindness of strangers would’ve gotten him killed before puberty.
"Okay, sorry," she muttered and started across the street.
She’d be dead in three minutes.
"Are you on your way to the courthouse?"
"Excuse me?" She turned.
"Don’t go. At least not the way you’re planning to go." How could he convince her?
"I don’t understand."
"Someone’s waiting. I can see him. And what he does to you."
"This is a sick joke, right?"
She was walking again, still in the bad direction.
"Violet! Please trust me."
That stopped her in the middle of the street.
"How do you know my name? Who are you?"§
Not bad at all. And a clever matching title. Yes I'd read on, tho' I'm warning you, I'll laugh out loud if Violet gets run down because she stops to talk to him, oh the irony. FIRST. -dpPeripheal Vision - Well I have to admit the first clause made me cringe but the color thing was interesting. A little too much talking. Could use a little more expositon. If he can't see he can hear and smell. Using the other senses would help this. LF
The darkness of the blind, but possessed of psychic vision. Blind Justice meets the Dead Zone. The questions at the end would keep me reading just long enough to get those answers. I just don't know about more. -North
Peripheral Vision: Mine. WA
This is my number one choice. I think the first sentence is an attention grabber, then I want to know how does he know what will happen? I would read on. CL
I didn't believe that nine years was too little time to remember colours, but I'll accept it. Brandon did not come across well at all - if he really wanted to save the woman's life, he could have just said straight away that there was a murderer waiting and tried to impress her with a sense of urgency, if nothing else, instead of faffing about saying he was fine and then giving vague time-wasting responses. I didn't get much of a sense of setting, and the hints given of the past gave no concrete information to latch on to. I wasn't drawn in at all. Dark element is present in Brandon's blindness. I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA Comment: Best one of the month, definitely. Information plus action plus character development plus dialog, all fit into the wordcount limit. And an interesting main character with an intriguing 'power'. - 1st-JSW
This was an interesting opening. I'd like to know a little more about Brandon and why he lost his eyes. We get a hint of how he's treated in society with the "kindness of strangers" info. The dialogue kept me reading, and I'd keep going to find out if Violet listened to Brandon or not. I like the idea of Brandon having/developing talents that perhaps give him an edge in a sighted world. Third place. AC
Smoothly written and intriguing situation. Opening statement got my attention. Only two places where I paused: “depending on the kindness of starngers would’ve gotten him killed before puberty.” I misread this at first, since it’s a reversal of what you’d expect. I don’t sense a bitterness in Brandon, so I hope you follow through with this soon, and explain. The other hiccup is in Violet’s name. Her color is blue infused with the color of blood – is her name a coincidence? It came across as kind of funny – if there’s not payoff, e.g. a connection with name and aura, I’d change it. Otherwise, I enjoyed this, and would read on. - Admin
Untitled #2 - Lynn
The sun had set over an hour ago, yet the abandoned house was still as hot > as a furnace. I was wishing that some "jd" had broken out a few windows just so we could have a slight breeze—but no such luck. Rod and I sat on a couple of milk crates and looked out the filth glazed windows through our night-vision goggles. The brownstone we were watching was totally dark.
"Nothing moving out there," Rod said. He stood and stretched his long body. "Next time we need to sneak in real chairs."
I laughed. "Sure a couple of recliners would be really nice on a stakeout."
"And a cooler filled with beer," he said.
"No beer, but we got water. I could use another," I said, tipping over my empty plastic bottle. "How about you?"
"Sure."
I crept downstairs, gingerly placing a foot on each step, expecting it to give way under my weight.§
Reads OK, tho' nothing really pulled me in. Reminded me of too many cop films and series, maybe. But you knew it would. Which is probably good reason to sprinkle something speculative more quickly. -dpUntitled 2 - Oh dear, it's mine. Wish I had remembered I had upto 175 words and didn't cut it at 150..LF
It's night. It's hot. Here is another example of temperature extremes providing an internal conflict. This time it is added to the stakeout boredom. The men's minds are wandering from their job: watching for some one to do some thing. We've seen this situation many times. Clearly the guy going down the stairs is in for a surprise. Do I care enough about these men to want to know what it is? 2nd- North
Untitled #2: Decent set up, but cops on a stakeout with no immediate conflict didn’t knock my socks off. Now if they’d been at each other’s throats, and if the POVC had fallen through those steps instead of just expecting them to give way, I’d be more likely to turn the page. Third Place. WA
I kept expecting something to happen, but it didn't. He writes that he worried that the steps would give way, but nothing happened after that. Since this entry came out to 157 words, I think the writer could have done a little more, either by building up the scene or by a follow-up to the bad stairs. CL
Good setting and enough characterisation to establish a clear mood and image of this opening. I'd read on. Dark element present. FIRST. - SA
Comment: Okay as far as it goes, but it's lacking a little something in intensity. –JSW
Well-written, with believable dialogue, but this one didn't grab me. With no info on who they're watching or why, I'd "channel-surf" right on by this one. AC
A stakeout certainly holds promise for conflict, tension, etc. But the darkness seems to derive mostly from the time of day – I sense that you want to suggest another level of darkness, e.g. weirdness, spookiness, but that doesn’t come through at all. Yes, you probably could have inserted that, e.g. seeing or hearing something from the brownstone, if you’d used the full word count. You add tension by having the POVC go downstairs (“Don’t go down into the cellar!!!” ?) but I’m not sure why he/she is going downstairs for water. There’s a working fridge in the abandoned house? Good so far, but needs element of foreboding to rise above a fairly straightforward opening. I’d read on, probably, if there were more to it. – Admin.
Untitled #3 - Jon
The closer they got to the looming stone arch, the more nervous Hank became. Twenty feet away, he slowed his walk and began scanning the ground and walls in front of him. Ten feet from it, he stopped dead and waited for the others.
"I don't like this," Tina said. "First that weird radio call last night. This morning, no answer on the radio, nobody at the camper, and now nobody on watch by the arch."
"Uh, guys?" The hand on his revolver betrayed Doug's own nervousness, but his drawl was as lazy as ever. "When has there ever been anybody on watch at the arch?"
Hank and Tina looked at each other. "Never," she said in a surprised voice. Hank drew a deep breath and tried to calm himself. After a moment he felt the strange anxiety ebb away, and he strode through the archway.
A shock of pure terror struck him. Beside him, he heard Tina gasp. Half-forgotten reflexes took over, and he snapped into a defensive judo stance.§
I feel like I've tumbled into the middle of something but still, the goings-on and their spooked reactions intrigued me, I'd turn the page. THIRD. -dpUntitled 3 - Well it has all of the required elements but it doesn't grab me. LF
The subtitle of this is, The Darkness of Foreboding. Two questions occur to make me read on: a. Why did Tina expect anyone to be on watch when on one ever had been? And 2, What kind of threat are they facing? Make that 3 questions. What is the significance of the arch? I'm intrigued. I want to know if a character named Tina is going to be as disposable as the red shirts of Star Trek. I hope the author has her kick some serious butt. If Buffy can do it, so can Tina. 1st- North
Untitled #3: The second graph is classic info dump--one character recapping events that the other characters already know about solely to provide back story. If auth had provided a glimpse of what caused Tina to gasp and Hank to snap into his defensive judo stance, it might have provoked me to turn the page. WA
I'm not sure if there is a "dark" element in the opening. I think more description of the arch and the context would help this. CL
I didn't really understand the significance of there being or not being anyone on watch by the arch. I don't have much of a sense of the age of the characters. Setting is unclear. Although the judo stance at the end might be suitable to the situation, it felt ridiculous to me and threw me out of the story. No dark element present. I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
Mine, and it doesn't look nearly as good now as it did when I submitted it.-JSW
This one wasn't bad, but I'd want to see a brief explanation of why Hank was expecting someone on watch at the arch. Was he under the influence of someone/something, causing his anxiety? A little more detail might keep me reading. AC
Good tension; I’d definitely like to see what’s going on. If anything it moves too fast for me; I’m not yet oriented to either the setting or the people before things start to happen. Even three people are a lot to sort out this quickly. I’d like more sense of the arch, what they’re doing there, who they are. And I don’t understand the apparent contradiction between nobody on watch at the arch – and the fact that nobody’s ever been on watch at the arch? This stopped me in my tracks – undermined the pacing, IMO. – There’s probably a lot of background to describe – I wouldn’t suggest that – but more detail on the present tense situation, particularly Hank’s POV – and I’d follow the action better. Possibilities here. - Admin
The Monsoon Visitor - Chanpheng
The lights dimmed and died in their nightly ritual. Viengvilai stood by the window, watching the monsoon storm illuminate the weeds in the untended yard. Once the lightening faded, she could not tell if her eyes were open or closed.
"I'm glad I don't have an overactive imagination," she said aloud. She pawed the air as she groped her way to bed. She closed the mosquito netting as she thought about the lunchtime conversation with Khamsa.
"How can you live there by yourself?" He asked while they ate noodle soup.
"It's all right once you get used to it."
"You're not afraid of..." He paused before he whispered, "....ghosts?"
She laughed. "I've never seen one. I'm more afraid of people."
She could ignore local beliefs during the day, but they invaded her thoughts during these hours. Her body stiffened when she heard the creak of a door opening. She whispered, "It must be the wind."
She heard a footstep, and her own heart pounding. She couldn't breathe.
The lightening flashed.
Someone stood in the doorway.§
Not bad, I'd turn the page, but I didn't get as strong a specfic vibe as some others so they got the votes. -dpThe Monsoon Visitor - I can't quite figure out what I don't like about this. I think the opening graph has too many long sentences. I think I'd like to lop off the first sentence or shorten the second. LF
This is pure cliche. A dark and stormy night, ghosts, creaks, ghostly creaks, spooky footsteps and the looming silhouette in the door. The South Asian setting with character names that don't dance off a westerner's tongue do ad some freshness though.- North
The Monsoon Visitor: Opening graph somewhat lyrical, but in the second graph auth stacks two "as" construction sentences on top of one another, damaging the nice flow. I’d suggest putting the conversation with Khamsa into past-perfect tense, so as to more securely place it in the story’s past. IOW--"he’d asked" and "she’d laughed." Otherwise, somewhat suspenseful. Would’ve turned the page. First Place. WA
My own-CL
Nice setting and characterisation. I wasn't sure what the 'nightly ritual' referred to exactly. The hook at the end is creepy. I think this is horror, which puts me off reading on, but that is just personal genre preference and not due to any problem with the writing. Dark element is present. SECOND. - SA
Comment: A decent idea, but the execution is a little weak. Well, maybe a lot weak. I really hate to say something like this about an IMP-entry, but the last couple of lines reminded me of a Bulwer-Lytton Contest entry more than anything else. JSW
Cue the scary music -- the menacing silouhette in the doorway, illuminated from behind by a lightning flash. It seemed like a cliche to me -- the buildup of tension was classic. I'd like to read more of the local superstitions, why Khamsa was so concerned about Viengvilai living alone. AC
Rather engaging mood to this entry, between the exotic setting (to me, anyway ?) and the reflective observations of the POVC. Darkness suggested by time of day and promise of ghost story. Flashback smoothly incorporated, as well as return to present. A little choppy at the end as the monsoon visitor appears. I like short sentences for emphasis, not as a steady diet. – I suspect you can smooth this out when not restricted to 175 words. I’d read on. – Admin.
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