February 2005 Best Openings Contest Results
Congrats to Derek and Kevin for tying up 1st place. I’ll award 2nd Place to Lyn because she earned a first-place vote. And Sophia captured 3rd Place just by voting! Hopefully spring fever will spark more interest in the contest next month.
1st 2nd 3rd Vot Bonus Total 1___1_______1____________8___Lady in Black Lace Dress - Derek ____2_______1___1________8___One Step Removed - Kevin 1________________________3___Alea’s Dreams - Lyn ____________1____________3___No Entry - Sophia ________2________________2___Thor's Mistress - BJ _________________________0___Untitled 2 - Dri
Index The Lady in the Black Lace Dress - Derek
Alea’s Dreams - Lyn
Thor's Mistress - BJ
One Step Removed - Kevin
Untitled - Dri
Fidel pressed his ear against the door—no mistake, the footsteps were coming closer. He contemplated hiding in the wardrobe, but did not trust its woodworm. The balcony? Rain lashed the windows; no, not the balcony. Under the bed? Too dusty! The Lady in the Black Lace Dress - Derek (the author, not the lady)
The footsteps stopped and he sensed the presence on the other side of the door. Waiting, listening.
"Are you there, Monsieur Fidel?"
He did not dare move or breathe.
"A letter has come for you. I shall pass it beneath your door."
The corner of an envelope appeared. The looping handwriting was unfamiliar to him. Fidel bent down and picked it up.
"I remind you, Monsieur, that your rent is overdue."
Ignoring his landlady's impertinence, he tore the letter open and read its contents with growing disbelief. The signature—that of the Marquis De Sade—sent shivers up his spine. The size of the offered commission made him gasp.
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Mine. The out-of-work artist is commissioned to paint the lady of the title, who ain't hardly a lady. -dpThe character hooked me. Second…Kevin S
The funny and interesting main character draws me in to this, although it wouldn’t take much to make him unlikeable if some sympathetic trait isn’t shown early on. Good setting. Would definitely read on. FIRST. - SA
Suspense, humor, de Sade--do I whiff the appealing aroma of another Paterson period thriller brewing? - Admin.
Alea dreamed. Alea’s Dreams - Lyn
She dreamed of a place that was not. She dreamed of streams flowing red with the blood of kin. She dreamed of green meadows trampled and muddy, littered with the remains of those she loved. She dreamed of trees putting forth the first buds of death and decay, blackened by the smoke and fires of hatred.
Alea dreamed. And in her dream, she had no desire to scream, for that ability had been taken from her. In her dream, she felt no sadness, no horror. She felt nothing, for like the land, she too had been ravaged and ruined, and even the ability to care was beyond her understanding.
And yet she saw, and she remembered. And as she walked through her dreams, uncaring witness to scenes that were not, her eyes chronicled the carnage and commemorated the atrocities and her mind stored them. These would be her memories. These would be her life.
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I wasn't allergic to the read, tho' I wondered where the story, if there is one, might possibly be heading. -dpThis flows well. First…Kevin S.
This opening didn’t work for me at all, I’m afraid. As I know nothing of this character, I don’t have a reason to care about her dreams, especially when I am told that she feels nothing and doesn’t care, either. I need something to draw me in, and there is nothing here. Wouldn’t read on. - SA
I e-mailed my remarks to Lyn earlier. In a nutshell, I found the writing lyrical, but the sense of time, place and conflict too general (and therefore too vague) to be truly compelling. - Admin.
Gerda half-thought she should rouse herself long enough to fluff the overstuffed goose feather padding beneath her, but she abandoned the notion and snuggled deeper under the soft-tanned beaver pelts. Distant thunder, once common only in the summer, ruined the little respite she found amongst the warm furs. She blinked the sleepiness away, then fortified herself to rise. Her breath fogged and the fireplace, its embers covered with a thin coat of gray ash, beckoned her to hurry and stir the banked coals hiding there. The thunder grew louder. She counted the moments between Odin's flash and Thor's response—five heartbeats. Not even half a league away. She needed no other impetus to vault from her warm nest, throw a heavy woolen shawl over her shoulders, and stir the fire. Only another moment and the new wood caught and poured cheery light and warmth into the stone-cold cottage. Thor's Mistress - BJ
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The title suggests more of a story than the opening does, which might signify a slight problem. But I'd be willing to read another page to find out whether or not Gerda's a hot babe. THIRD. -dpThird. The title got the last vote.
The setting is easy to imagine, but there is nothing to hook me into reading on. I can see that it might appeal to some people, but it needs some tension in it to get a vote, sorry. - SA
I must echo the previous remarks. I liked the high-concept title and the setting is solid, but there’s little characterization and I detect no conflict other than the bad weather. - Admin.
One Step Removed - Kevin
‘This time’, he thought, slowly and painfully working himself into a sitting position,’ I’m outside but where?’
Same as the first time, he was naked and probably miles from any civilised habitation. Alone, too, which seemed par for the course. His memory seemed OK, though a decade out of date, which penalised him heavily from the start.
The mingled scents and the cold, slippery feel of damp vegetation under him placed him in some kind of forest environment. He was safe from animal predators, judging from his body’s undamaged condition. No carnivorous hunting animal would have neglected a large, helpless food source for so long.
‘I am my own prey, again.’ Pelk moaned. He was probably out there the thrill of the hunt powering him, loaded for bear with all the nasty pulse and projectile weaponry he owned or had access to, as ruthlessly he tracked and hunted himself.
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Bewildering, but there's a sense of something happening, of danger approaching. Has to be worth a point or two. SECOND. -dpThe Admin hits me when I give my own all 3 votes…’sigh’
An interesting situation, but there needs to be more to suggest a direction this could be going in. Grammar problems make this an awkward read. Might read on a little to see what the story is. SECOND. - SA
This premise could spark an intriguing tale, but I’m afraid the style and grammar glitches will stall even the most determined reader. Watch out for clichés (“par for the course”) except in direct dialogue, and avoid weasel words and phrases (“seems,” “some kind of”). I’m not sure if the single quotation marks indicating internal monologue are a good idea. Italics are widely understood to indicate direct thoughts in fiction. Or perhaps better yet, give each snatch of internal monologue its own paragraph--the reader will catch on. Final piece of annoying advice: Kill clutter. Be brutal with adverbs and adjectives in your second draft edit. The cleaner the prose, the clearer the narrative. That said, this entry with its dichotomous hunter hunting himself premise comes closer than any of the others to satisfying the dark-science-fiction-element bonus challenge; therefore, I’m awarding it the sole bonus point. - Admin.
Rain pattered softly against the windowpanes. Laura sat in a window seat, the room lit only from the dim daylight filtering in through the window. She felt as grey as the skies outside, as though she were only a shadow temporarily taking up residence, gone as soon as someone switched on a light. She closed her eyes and leaned against the window, pressing one cheek against the glass. It felt soothingly cool, and she fancied she could hear each raindrop, feel it as it struck the glass and ran down like tears. If she listened hard enough, she could almost hear voices in the rain, whispering secrets. Untitled - Dri
"You can hear it, can’t you?"
"Do I want to?"
"It’s up to you."
"No; I don’t have the strength. I don’t want to try. I’m almost out of time."
"Are you sure?"
"There’s only now; I don’t want to think about tomorrow."
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I'm suspicious of characters who speak with semicolons, such people can't be trusted. I wondered what's going on here, who Laura's talking to, whether the voices are wholly imaginary or whether there's someone else with her? A window and a weather report -- no other info available. I couldn't quite connect. -dpFor me, there’s no hook in the opening. No clue as to the nature of the story, either…Kevin S.
Listening hard enough to almost hear voices? These word choices irritated me, sorry, as they were cliched and meaningless. It is not clear whether the dialogue is spoken by characters in the room with her, or outside. There is nothing drawing me in here. I would read on a little to see what the story is about, but I’m not at all interested so far, I’m afraid. - SA
Not bad. I might’ve been hooked by this opening if the dialogue, instead of being cryptic, had revealed something concrete about the nature of the POVC’s central problem. - Admin.
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2005 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
