December 2005 Best Openings Contest

December 2005 Best Openings Contest

Dear Friends --

Well, I had to bang on a few walls and rattle a few cages, but we ended up with quantity AND quality for December. Eight entries (not a huge number but solid) -- and a number of participants noted that, based on the writing, it was a stronger field than usual.

LET THEM EAT ECTOPLASM

by Susan Wing

      Geraldine did not believe in ghosts. She did, however, believe in Great Aunt Tillie's cheesecake. So when she crept down to the kitchen after midnight, and the pale circle of her flashlight revealed Marie Antoinette up to her wig in ricotta, Geraldine's response was not terror or shock, but righteous indignation.
      "What the hell are you doing?" she screamed as Marie scooped off a dollop of cheese and popped it in her mouth.
      "Oh Mon Dieu, what an accent! You are English?"
      "American. And you should talk. You sound like an ad for cheap perfume. Hey, lay off the crust!" Geraldine pulled the plate away from the intruder and stashed it on the breakfast bar, well out of reach.
      The woman looked bewildered for an instant, then brightened. "Ah, les Etats-Unis, of course! Your Monsieur Franklin is so amusing."
      "Listen, lady. I don't know who let you out--or dreamed you up--"
      "But what have we here?" Marie flounced to her feet and extracted a scrap of paper from between the cake's layers. "Oh la la. What means le 'BOC'?"
      "What?!" Geraldine grabbed the paper and skimmed it. "Oh boy. That's the limit. Now Susan's stashing the BOC results in my recipes." She looked upward toward Authorial Space and bellowed, "Okay, but just this once!" then turned back to Marie. "You'll have to help."
      "Formidable!"
      "Whatever." Geraldine cleared her throat.
      "Here are the results of the December 2005 Best Opening Contest!"
      "In third place - one of our new IMP, Kendra Black, for "Shadowmakers."
      "Felicitations!" Marie jumped up and down, slapping her gloved hands in applause.
      (You should watch all that jumping. Your wig's going to topple.)
      (In truth, I am not supposed to have the head at all. Le poetic license, c'est merveilleux, n'est-ce pas?)
      (Yeah, marvelous. Totally fabuloso) "In second place…Wow, we have a tie for second place:
      "Incroyable!"
      (Unbelievable? You should talk)
      (Moi? I think perhaps you are just as fictional.)
      (Rub it in, why don't you?)
      "Moving right along -- tied for second place: Marilyn Alm, for "Wind and Wave," and Jack Serin (another new IMP) for "First Star I See Tonight."
      "Oh la la! Woot-woot-woot!"
      "Woot-woot? Jeez. Okay, in first place, by an impressive lead, which no doubt excites her to the very core--"
      (Allons-y! Proceed directly to the chase. You say too much!)
      (Yeah, well at least I'm not mouthing off about baked goods--)
      (Hmmph!)
      "In first place (as I was saying) -- Lisa Mantchev, for "Separation of Two Things."
      "Chaucer, Rabelais, Balzac!!!!!!!!"
      "Yeah, yeah. Here's the vote tally."
Title                      Author          1st 2nd 3rd Voted Total
Separation of Two Things   Lisa Mantchev    18  2   1         21
Wind and Wave              Marilyn Alm       6  2   2    3    13
First Star I See Tonight   Jack Serin        3  6   1    3    13
Shadowmakers               Kendra Black      3  2   2    3    10
Pilgrims Progress          North                4   1    3     8
In the Dark                David Gillon         2   2    3     7
Untitled                   Jon S. Woolf         2        3     5
Keeper of the Black Flame  Derek Paterson           1    3     4
(voted only)               Adrienne Chaffee              3     3
(voted only)               Bill Allan                    3     3
(voted only)               Sophia Ahmed                  3     3

      "Thanks to all the participants who sent in entries, and to those who voted and commented. A huge welcome to newcomers Jack and Kendra: What a stellar BOC debut! (And cheers to Marilyn, hardly a newcomer, but not a BOC participant in recent memory). Guidelines for January will be up tomorrow."
      (So who is going to eat the lovely gateau de fromage?)
      (My cheesecake? Probably no one, now that you've had your mitts in it)
      (Ah. It would be a shame to waste it, non?)
      (Yeah, you're probably right. Okay, 'Toinette, have a seat. Forks are in the top drawer. And take your time. It'll be ages before Susan figures out how to end our story).


Susan

Index
SHADOWMAKERS by Kendra Black
KEEPER OF THE BLACK FLAME by Derek Paterson
FIRST STAR I SEE TONIGHT by Jack Serin
WIND AND WAVE by Marilyn Alm
IN THE DARK by David Gillon
UNTITLED by Jon S. Woolf
SEPARATION OF TWO THINGS by Lisa Mantchev
PILGRIMS PROGRESS by North (cardinaldog)


SHADOWMAKERS
by Kendra Black

      Lisa had been seeing lights since she woke up and decided that today was the day.  She thought it might be just another sign - like the black eye - but the lights seemed to be shielding Michael. They were with him now, dancing around the open bathroom door.
      Were they some sort of omen? She waited until the sounds of gargling stopped, and called from the kitchen door, “Breakfast’s ready.”
      Lisa returned to the stove, and even with her back to the door, she knew the instant he entered the kitchen. Everything around her started to glow, from the dull golden flecks in the counter to the worn grain of the wooden cabinets. She waited for the rustle of the paper opening before sneaking a look directly at him. She squinted, trying to see beyond the brilliance of the lights. He folded over the paper to reach for his coffee, and growled, “What the hell are you staring at?”
      She quickly shook her head and mummered “Nothing – nothing,” as she turned back to the eggs.
§

This paints a fairly clear picture of an abused woman and abusive man. Her "today was the day" decision suggests that either she's going to leave him, or get revenge, though it's not clear which. The lights dancing around him either bode well for her or ill for him, and again it's not clear which. Presumably reading on will fill in the details, and I'd probably read on to see if he gets his due.Technical nit: is "mummered" a colloquial term or simple typo? It made me pause a millisecond. Perhaps replace it with "mumbled" or "murmured". - AC

Mine - KB

I'm not sure what "this is the day" has to do with what's been established. I am wondering what kind of vocalization "mummered" is. I would be curious to read more, even if the implications here are that the husband is an abusive partner. This is often a turn off for me, but I would read more to find out. 3rd place - MA

She says, "Nothing," and it somehow defuses whatever tension might be building. If she doesn't care enough about the next page, then why should I? That said, I think this was better written than most. And if this were a set of full stories in my inbox, I'd keep reading. Not first. But I'd not delete it either. 3rd place - JS

Interesting, I'd turn the page. -dp

I take it Michael is the source of Lisa's black eye. So I want to know what these lights are and why they would be shielding an abuser. Perhaps they are targeting him. What happens to shadows made by the Shadowmakers? 2nd place - North (cardinaldog)

This is well done as far as it goes. Situation and characters defined quickly and simply. The main problem with it is that the idea has been done before. Sorry, no vote. JW

I don't get past abused wife sees supernatural lights. I need a clearer idea of what's going on before turning the page. Bill

I liked this. I thought having the lights seeming to protect a 'bad guy' was an original twist, and I would definitely read on to see what other surprises this will hold. "mummered" should be "murmured" in the final sentence. FIRST - SA

I think my problem here is that the description of the lights really Needs to be absolutely the first thing we are told, and we need a clearer definition of whether they are only around Michael or more general: the first paragraph is inconclusive, the third clearly establishes them around Michael, but not necessarily to the exclusion of all else. I’m also not clear on whether Lisa’s decision that ‘today was the day’ is the trigger for the lights or a result. ‘The day for what?’ functions as a hook of sorts, but it is swamped by the lights. My instinct would be to shift the story back to Lisa’s moment of waking and show us both the decision and the lights.- DG

Funny, but unlike everyone else, I didn't get the fact that Lisa was abused until the end of the entry, where Michael growls and Lisa turns away (and yes, I assumed you meant "murmured."). Replacing "the black eye" with "her black eye" might make the difference; I honestly thought Michael could be the one with the black eye, and when you say "the lights seemed to be shielding Michael," I wondered, "as opposed to what?" and "why are the lights important if you call them 'just another sign'?" Aside from this confusion, I like the detail with which Lisa observes the lights; good work staying in her POV. I'd want the tension to increase pretty soon, but this is an interesting beginning, IMO. - Admin.

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KEEPER OF THE BLACK FLAME
by Derek Paterson

      Another planet, another graveyard.  Bhir stood on the highest level of the highest tower of the largest city, and mourned the dead whose blasted corpses filled the wide avenues below.  Damn it all, these beings were civilized! (Tense correction: had been.) Physically they were not unlike the Marked, which meant Slar must have created them for His divine purpose.  Was it also Slar's will that they be put to flame?  Bhir wished he knew for sure.
      Footsteps echoed along the outer hall.  Robos entered, sword in one hand, staff of righteousness in the other.  His black robes were as stiff as his fanaticism.  "A great victory, in Slar's name! Why so morose, General?  You should be celebrating."
      Robos' gaze flicked to the corpse sprawled upon the floor, wrapped in some shiny material.  Bhir had slain the disbeliever with a single sword-thrust.  But something in the dying creature's eyes had stopped him from purifying his victim, and set Bhir a-thinking.  Robos aimed his staff.  "Let there be light," he whispered, and the disbeliever burned.
§

This reminds me of the current Stargate SG:1 storyline about the Ori: those who aren't believers must be destroyed. Bhir evidently has some doubts about the rightness of his cause, though it's clear that Robos does not. That's a good set-up for conflict and interest in the story. The name "Robos" puts me in mind of "robot", which isn't inappropriate here, I suppose, illustrating a single-minded devotion to a set of beliefs and actions. -- AC

This one simply didn't grab me - maybe because it was too standard 'Evil Empire conquering and killing all that they see and one lone man begins to question the righteousness of it all??" There wasn't anything in this intro that seemed 'new' and different enough for me to want to keep going and see what was done with it. - KB

Classic space conquerors of the sort I used to devour more years ago than I care to count -- and a general who's beginning to have doubts about the rightness of his actions. Doubts that could likely get him in a lot of trouble and lead to an interesting development or three. MA

"(Tense correction: had been.)" was a structural thing that lost me. And even though I'm totally mouthing off by having an opinion as a newbie, I really think that if the goal is to engage a reader in the first few words of the story, then you need to keep things simple. This puts a lot of things into my tired brain and that's off putting. If I trusted the names involved, I'd go on. Otherwise it'd stay at the bookstore. JS

Awesome! I award this entry 1st, 2nd and 3rd place, and declare myself this month's winner! -dp

Technically this is okay, and it does use the month’s theme. Unfortunately, I don’t particularly like the chosen subject matter. Religious wars make my neck itch. [half-g] Sorry, no vote. JW

Didn't go for the "tense correction" business--is Bihr a frustrated fiction editor as well as a general? Bill

This opening flows well, but it feels a little rushed and I'm not drawn in yet. If this was mine, I would skip the mentions of Slar and the Marked, which at the moment are nothing more than names, and fill out the character of Bhir a little more - I would aim to have the reader care about the main character, which would then lead to caring about those blasted corpses. THIRD. - SA

Interesting, though the subject matter unavoidably reminds me of recent Stargate SG1 episodes. Points for a non-obvious use of ‘light’, but it Doesn ’t really grab me strongly, Bhir’s doubts aren’t a strong enough hook to drag me onwards. It may be worth reconsidering the name of ‘Robos’, my first thought was that it might be a mis-spelling of ‘Robots’.- DG

Loved the opening sentence; promised terse reportage or hard-boiled mystery approach to sf. Enjoyed the second sentence with the rhythmic repetition of superlatives that set the scene in a storytelling style. But arggh! The rest of the first graph disinte grates into exposition, tossing far too much unfamiliar material at the reader, too fast, too soon. Second graph not too bad, back to action; good thumbnail character description. Third graph covers a lot of ground, but I'm not sure Robos' action and Bhir 's ambivalence can be spanned in one paragraph. And please, what's with "a-thinking"? What century are we in, after all? Actually, this scene might work better farther into a story, but it's A Bit Much to Absorb right at the beginning. Still, interesting characters, worth developing, IMO. - Admin.

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FIRST STAR I SEE TONIGHT
by Jack Serin

      "What about the Moon?"
      "That's only about a second ago."
      "How 'bout the Sun?"
      "We're seeing the Sun from 8 minutes ago," his father said.
      "But you said we were seeing millions of agos!"
      "The stars, Sasha."
      "The Sun is a star," Sasha said.  His father laughed at the tone.
      "Yes, but we're close to the Sun. The other stars are millions of miles away."
      "But I can see them and the Moon right now."
      "It's like you throw a rock in the water and the waves spread out.  The Moon-ripples started a second ago.  The star-ripples are from a million, million years ago, and only getting here now."
      Sasha stared into the sky.
      "So that one is a million agos?" he said, pointing at a star.
      "Years ago, yes."
      Then the sky brightened, and Sasha whirled.
      "Whoa Dad!! How many agos is that one?"
      His father had to shade his eyes against the new flare in the night sky.
      "I don't know, son," he said.
      The answer would be 38 minutes.  Sasha would remember
§

Imagination can fill in the details of what we're probably seeing here: a father and son, sitting or standing in their back yard, stargazing in an informal astronomy lesson. Reading along, I'm as interested as those two when the bright light appears in the sky. I'd keep reading to find out if it's a new "sun" in the solar system, or an approaching asteroid, or something as-yet unknown. 3rd place -- AC

It reminded me of the start of a Heinlien book - and the last few words clearly indicated that the world was about to change pretty darn radically. The situation and protagonist were clearly set up - and I would certainly be turning the pages to see who, what and why. 1st place - KB

Nice stablishment of child / parent relationships, although it goes on a bit long. Still, I would read more. 2nd place - MA

Cliche!! (Mine - JS)

I'm not allergic to unattributed dialogue, but in this case it went on just a wee bit too long. Once the speaking characters were revealed I had to rewind to the beginning and assign the dialogue. Alas their conversation proved to be a Harry Potter-level astronomy lesson, I fell asleep halfway through. My bad. That last sentence seems narrator-ish, if so then why the sudden POV change? -dp

This is good. The all-dialog format put me off for a moment, until I really read it. Having done that, I like it and would definitely read on. Only gripe is that “Sasha” strikes me as a girl’s name, but the POV character is supposed to be a boy. Second Pl ace. JW

Talking heads. Please give reader a modest anchor before indulging in disembodied dialogue. Bill

I'm put off by the cutesy Sasha, but the hook is good and I would read on to see what happens next. I thought after reading this opening that it might be better to begin with the characters attempting some important (to them) task, which would be interrupted by the event about to occur, rather than the dramatically-neutral conversation. - SA

Nice. Excellent parent-child dialogue, then a definite hook. I’d use a looser word limit to establish Sasha and his dad in some sort of environment, but that’s my only major complaint beyond the pedant’s comment that much of the starlight is a lot more recent than ‘a million, million years ago’. My second place for the month. - DG

I rather liked this, even though I have a huge personal discomfort with unattributed quotes. If the first line had read, _"What about the Moon?" Sasha said_, I would have been fine with it. You get to his father's dialogue tag soon enough, but if you haven't yet mentioned Sasha's name, the word "his" (as in "his father") means little. I'm not sure you need "Sasha whirled." The movement catches my attention, but I'm not sure where or why he's whirling. Seems to me he wouldn't take his eyes off the exploding star. Super last line; effective lead-in to rest of story. - Admin.

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WIND AND WAVE
by Marilyn Alm

      She returned to a city destroyed.
      Sunlight reflected dully off mud and mold-stained wood and concrete. Worse were the cafe au lait colored azaleas and crepe myrtle which ought to be bursting into riotous color with the advent of slightly cooler autumn weather. Instead, they'd drowned in the murky, filthy waters swept in by merciless winds. The live oaks, branches cracked and stripped of leaves and Spanish moss, at least had had a chance at survival.
      The Wee Folk had none.
      For generations, the so-called lesser Folk had shared this port along the Father of Waters with humankind. Those who knew no better said the tiny lights flitting from the sweet scented bushes of the wax leaf lugustrum hedges to the feathery pink blossoms of the mimosas waving in front yards and the huge, creamy, dream-scented magnolias sharing the road sides with massive oaks were but fire flies.
§

I liked the weaving of fantasy and reality in this one. We see a glimpse of post-Katrina New Orleans, with the muddy debris and destruction left behind, plus the idea of fairies living among us unnoticed, and not faring well after the hurricane. I'd read on to see if any survived or not. 1st place -- AC

Too many adjectives!!!! Ahhhhh!!!! I understand the need to paint a clear and rich picture - but - it was just too, too much. This snippet was more adjectives than it was - content. As a compliment though, the 'style' reminded me of Andre Norton (who is also the adjective QUEEN). - KB

Good description, but where's it going? Mine. - MA

Gorgeous. Also, I think you could snip everything but the last three sentenceswithout stirring more than a hair on the story. Which made everythingbut the first sentence kind of filler to be filed away until there was a reason to care. JS

Bejaysus, I drowned in all those setting details. By the time I got to the end I had to shake myself and try to remember what the story elements might be... Um, something about Wee Folk? I'm not sure... it's all a half-forgotten blur. I'd cut back on the richness of the tapestry, which is a tad distracting. -dp

Hurricane Katrina, anyone? The derivation is pretty obvious, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. On the contrary, it strikes me as pretty good: vivid imagery, a readily recognizable current event, couples the mundane and the fantastic. First Place. JW

Some nice writing, but too much setting and, apart from the first short sentence, no conflict. And "wee folk" has me thinking leprechauns--is that where we're headed? Still, Third Place. Bill

I really liked the "huge, creamy, dream-scented magnolia" description. There is setting here but I remained removed from it without a solid sense of character to latch onto. If the Wee Folk had no chance of survival, and so are presumably destroyed, I'm not sure what the story might be. There isn't a hook, as such. I would read on a little as I like the imagery, but I'd want some plot, soon. SECOND. - SA

Very topical, and an interesting concept that’s nicely written (if Chopped off a bit suddenly). My instinct would be to lose the first line, the existing second paragraph is a stronger opening without it. The Wee Folk in post-Katrina New Orleans is a sufficiently interesting concept to lure people onwards, but a stronger hook wouldn’t hurt and if your protagonist is going to have a strong presence then you’ll need to establish that quickly as well. My third place for the month. -DG

Interesting opening sentence. Lush and evocative description which might work better if we had a sense of the observer, interacting with the environment. You probably could eliminate a bunch of adjectives and end up with a stronger sense of setting; I know you have a strong emotional connection (and detailed knowledge) of the location; you'll get to use all your sensual imagery somewhere in the story; don't front-load so much of it. I want to know more about the POVC and her relationship to the Wee Folk - - The last graph is interesting, but the sentence is clogged with description that's sensory overload at this point: The sentence core is "Those who knew no better said the tiny lights...were but fire flies." The 38 words replaced by _..._ serve only to describe the lights. You've got lugustrum, mimosas, and oaks. I suggest you choose one, e.g. "Those who knew no better said the tiny lights flitting from the sweet scented bushes of the lugustrum hedges were but fire flies." Or something. -- But a setting this deeply felt deserves a story. So write it, already . - Admin.

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IN THE DARK
by David Gillon

      “So let’s shed some light on the matter.”
      I groaned. We had been subjected to hot and cold running puns ever since Duncan had arrived. He was as bright as they came, but basically a geek. And annoying.
      Everything we knew said that we had captured Mankind’s first ever sample of Dark Matter. The Nobel committee were probably warming up our seats even as we spoke. The only problem was that we couldn’t see it. We had tried every type of particle detector available and a couple that we had invented just for the occasion and none of them could tell us if the trap had worked or not. If it was in there it was taking the Weakly-Interacting part of WIMP to ridiculous extremes.
      Duncan’s prize toy might just make the difference.
      It beeped at us. Duncan studied the results then shook his head. “We’re still in the dark.”
      An eraser bounced off the back of his head, I wasn’t the only one losing my patience.
      “There’s only one answer.” Duncan decided, “It’s hiding…”
§

I grinned at the pun. They can be fun, and keep a situation from being overly serious. It's unclear how many are in the room, and whether they're scientists or hobbyists, though there are at least three. (The bouncing eraser clued me in that there were at least three.) I'm curious to know what the next sentence will be after "it's hiding". Will the others express derision, or take him seriously? How can matter be hiding? Is it sentient? Technical nits: a few grammatical mistakes and a sentence fragment. -- AC

This one would be in 4th place (if we had four votes) just because I think it MIGHT be funny, and I've got a soft spot for good, funny stories. However, there is nothing - to me - especially interesting about Dark Matter in and of it self - maybe I'm miss ing the physics knowledge that would make this more of a grabber - or give it a bit more conflict. The next 200 words might make or break this one. - KB

This one I feel like I came in on the middle of something, rather than a story's beginning. MA

This one threw me on that last sentence. I don't know if that was a pun I didn't get or if it was serious. The uncertainty was annoying. I'd probably keep reading, but I'd be miffed about possibly being stupid. JS

This one left me thoughtfully rubbing my chin and making "Hmm..." noises. I'd turn the page to find out what the heck it all means, tho' some more character intro would be nice. SECOND. -dp

I just like the humor. Physicists and cosmologists love making these puns. It's how some of the subatomic particles got their names. Cosmology is also a hobby of mine. 3rd place - North (cardinaldog)

Simple, straightforward, silly, and yet it has a substantive core underneath, with a hint of a good scientific mystery-adventure. I like it. Third Place. JW

I guess this didn't grab me because I wanted to feel the threat inferred by the title, but instead got a kind of light-hearted jaunt into . . . the dark matter's "hiding"? Bill

The hook is interesting, but I was put off by the characters in this. The narrator and the other unknowns that made up the "we" came across as annoying teenagers, and Duncan wasn't really characterised at all. There isn't any sense of setting, and I would have liked to see some specific technology mentioned, rather than "...every type of particle detector available and a couple that we had invented just for the occasion". The lack of specificity coupled with the unsympathetic characters convince me not to read on. - SA

Mine, probably not the use of ‘light’ that Susan had in mind, but once The idea popped into my head writing it down was the only way to shift it. Not an idea I’ll likely take any further, but fun to play with for a moment or two. - DG

Well, unattributed quotes make me nuts, but you pick up the pieces pretty quickly by mentioning Duncan's name in next graph. Okay, I sort of want to know more about the POVC, and you're beginning to get to Duncan's character and then whomp! The story grinds to a half in the infodump of paragraph #3. All that stuff is interesting, but needs to be spread out, and maybe communicated in bits of snappy dialogue (which would match the humorous tone of the opening much better than straight-ahead exposition) I'm not familiar with the WIMP acronym, so the apparent attempt at a joke there fell flat. Dark matter, couldn't see it, and zoom right to Duncan's prize toy (which explains why Duncan is important). You can explain how the thing works as it's working. Integrate character conflict with the space mystery and you have a story, IMO. -- Admin.

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UNTITLED
by Jon S. Woolf

      The targeting reticle went green, and Erlon fired. He couldn't see the laserbolts reaching out from his guns, but he saw their results. The enemy interceptor exploded in under a second, shredded and melted simultaneously by the high-energy pulses.
      "Target low port bow," was the next call from the controller. Erlon swung the turret on target and again held down the trigger; again the enemy fighter shattered under the fire. A third attacker evaded him with a sudden sideslip; Erlon swore and kept the trigger down while he tried to relock. The reticle went green again—just as the temperature gauge hit the red zone and the guns quit firing.
      "Target high portside aft!" Erlon barked into his comlink. "Can't get it!"
      "Target high portside aft," echoed the controller. The gunship started to roll to expose another defensive gun, but it was too late. The interceptor loosed its entire load of missiles. Eight HASKs converged on the gunship. Erlon barely had time to eject before five hits tore the gunship apart.
§

We're tossed into the middle of a space firefight. Gets to the action right away without getting bogged down into too much detail. It wasn't clear whether the interceptor was the gunship, or what Erlon was firing upon. It's also not clear how long the battle has been going on. I got the sense that it wasn't long -- dogfights usually aren't, yet the gun overheats and quits. Does that thing have a manufacturer's warranty? - AC

Maybe I just don't dig war stories. Once again - it's too standard, and in most cases, has been done all to hell in scifi. I see the protag, and I see the setting, and I see what is supposed to be the pull (will he survive?) but - it just doesn't grab me. It's not interesting enough to actually make me want to keep reading. --KB

Not knowing what a "targeting reticle" was pulled me out of the story before I was properly into it. Decent classic military SF. Now, who is Erlon, and why should I care about him / her / it? If I know that, I'll know if I want to read on. -- MA

I'd read this, but that's personal bias. Right now it looks like a stereotypical mil-scifi story, and it only remains to see which plot variant we're going to do. So, not bad, but not a first choice if I'm trying to pick a story to wow people.-- JS

Here's A Space Battle, The End. Seen it before. Lacks resonance. Needs more character/setting detail before I'd turn the page. I guess that maybe boils down to, "which side am I rooting for, and why?" -dp

Mine, and badly out of place among this collection of much better openings. JW

God help me, I'll take action-oriented scene over narrative summary almost any day. Would turn the page to see where the ejected Erlon lands and what he gets into to from there. Second Place. Bill

The fight is easy to picture, but as I have no idea who is fighting whom and why, I don't care about it at all and am not drawn in. The line about exposing another defensive gun felt a little strange, to me; perhaps saying the ship rolled to get the gun into a position where it could target or something might work better. I might read on a little, but I'd want some hint of why this fight is important, soon. - SA

There’s a lot of coherent light beams flying about in this one, so it Meets the assignment, but there’s no real hook to grab you and demand you read more, There isn’t the depth of characterization in Erlon, at least not in the first 175 words, to make his survival sufficient a draw to pull you onwards. It’s competent writing, but not a scene to start a story with. - DG

Okay, I'm not a huge reader of hard sf, so my responses may be pretty clueless -- but I don't know what the heck a reticle is, and HASKs are a cipher, as well, so I'm pretty lost about what's going on, except there's a lot of firing. It's potentially exciting, but a little short on setting, so I don't have a clear sense of the conflict. IOW, I don't know where Erlon _is_, exactly; he could be sitting at a console playing a computer game for all I know. For all the artillery details, this opening isn't grounded in any kind of accessible reality for me. A quick setting, and maybe even a suggestion of Erlon's status (why is he alone?), species, (one never knows), etc. -- don't have to cover too much ground, but Erlon's strangely mechanical, IOW, no emotional response to what's going on. Potentially a good battle scene but not for an opener -- I need more sense of the character and what's at stake for him (Okay, his life's at stake, but that's almost too obvious). - Admin.

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SEPARATION OF TWO THINGS
by Lisa Mantchev

      I keep my husband's soul in a jar on the kitchen windowsill.  We used it, the first year after extraction, to light up Mason's jack o' lantern and I thought I might rig it to the top of the Christmas tree instead of the customary angel.
      It sparkled at me when I came in the back door and handed Eric my coat.  He kissed me on the cheek (just the way I liked it, with little to no saliva) and took my jacket to the laundry room for a quick press before the inspectors got there.
      I liked Friday afternoons; Eric made sure the house was just the way I liked it before our weekly interview.  Everything smelled of lemon cleaner.  A bundt cake tempted me with wafts of warm vanilla.
      "Where's my little man?" I called.
      I heard the scrape of a chair across the floor.  When I came around the corner, Mason was kneeling on the counter.  His chubby hands were wrapped around the glass jar that held his father's soul.
§

The first sentence grabbed my attention. Instead of ashes in an urn, it's sparkles in a jar. Intriguing. I wondered who Eric was. Boyfriend or butler? The spitless kiss suggested boyfriend, but the spotless house, jacket-pressing, and freshly baked cake suggested butler. I hope that's an unbreakable jar -- glass in the hands of a toddler/preschooler can be a tricky business, and we don't know what happens to the soul if the jar breaks. 2nd place -- AC

This one made me very curious. The setting and protagonist were there, but there was nothing I could put my finger on and say 'Ah yes, this is going to be how the story will go.' And considering that usually capturing and imprisoning souls is considered a BAD thing, the tone around her husband's soul is very intriguing. - 3rd place - KB

The first sentence of this one grabbed me, and caused me to mutter "say WHAT?!" The comment about "little or no saliva" in a kiss in the second paragraph was over kill -- and I have no idea who this Eric is or what his relationship to the protagonist is. However, the ending paragraph definitely causes me to say, "Okay, w here's the rest of it, damnit, and why did you stop there?" 1st place - MA

I am intrigued. And jealous. A neat little circle of the souljar at the start and end of the story, and it worked great in my mind to pop the question of "why is this" at the start, and reinforce it fresh in my mind at the end of the page. I want the next piece. Why? Why? Why? 1st place - JS

Cute little details added to the reality of the scene. FIRST. -dp

Very intriguing. I really want to read the rest of this story. It provokes a lot of questions, like: Why would you keep a loved one's soul in a jar? Unless you thought they were going to hell? Would you stop them from going to heaven, assuming these people have such beliefs? Do you keep the soul to put it into a clone? Who are the inspectors? 1st place - North(cardinaldog)

Hmm. Technically this is good, using the month’s theme adequately and offering some hints of where the story’s going to go. It would be a lot better if it had gone one line further, and showed what happens next to the “soul jar.” OTOH, perhaps that makes it better, not worse – after all, the goal is to get the reader to keep reading, and I would probably do that. At least for another few lines. Makes the cut, but no vote. JW

This is so weird, it gets my attention. I guess for the last sentence it gets my first place vote. First Place. Bill

I liked the idea of the soul in the jar, but the middle two paragraphs ground this opening to a halt for me. They lacked any tension at all. I'm guessing the risk of Mason dropping the jar is the hook, but as I'm not sure if that will break it, and what danger there is in that, I'm not particularly concerned. Whomp up the tension, Lis! ;) - SA

Interesting idea, though it unavoidably reminds me of the line by Robert Bloch: ‘I have the heart of a small child. I keep it in a jar on my desk....’ The soul gives us a hook, the child holding the jar a threat and there is quirky detail about kisses and unexplained matters about inspectors and interviews. In other words, this has every element that goes to make up a good story opening. The only minor drawback is that the light element is largely peripheral, but I’ll forgive that for the quality of the entry. My first place for the month. - DG

This is so quirky it's impossible not to like it. Great opening sentence and bizarre combo of macabre details and suburban normalcy. And what's with Eric? And inspectors? And weekly interviews? And a POVC who's sniffing bundt cake while her husband's soul is in a jar? Great details appealing to all senses (warm vanilla, gotta love it!; little to no saliva-lol). I'm not sure if Mason's name is supposed to suggest a pun with the jar -- it crossed my mind as sort of a distraction, fwiw, although a good name for a serious-type child. The only weird thing is that the weirdness was so thorough, that it ultimately became sort of, hmm, Normal. At which point I realized that that all possible conflict points in the opening had been smoothed over by the POVC's acceptance of the weirdness. Yes, this is central to magic realism, but the façade's got to crack into some sort of obstacle for the MC pretty soon, or else, there's nothing going on here. I second Sophia's comment about the tension. What does the MC want, and what's standing in her way? Fabulous package, all the trimmings, but don't forget to fill it with emotional conflict worth the spectacular wrapping. - Admin

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PILGRIMS PROGRESS
by North (cardinaldog)

      "It's just not supposed to be there," Clive muttered for the thirtieth time.
      Near dark, in a falling snow, Casey and Clive crouched next to a boulder on a ridge above the "it."
      "Will you please stop saying that." Casey demanded.  "Unless it's some kind of super hologram, it is there.  So shut up or make some other helpful observations."
      "But look at it! A perfectly circular city.  Illuminated! There's even a distinct boundary around it! Is it a ship?  Could a city fly here?"
      "We did, didn't we?  Isn't our ship just a city in a container?"
      "There hasn't been any life on Earth, much less artificial lights, in centuries."
      Casey stood. The city light interested her.  It neither fell outside the boundary nor extended above the tallest structure.
      "Where you going," Clive demanded.
      "Down there.  Introduce myself.  Get some answers."
      Behind them sounded a metallic click, then a voice, growling as if from a blown out bass speaker.
      "Well in that case, pilgrim, you can start by introducing yourselves to me."
§

Evidently we have here a post-apocalyptic Earth, with explorers or archaeologists surveying what is left. A city where there shouldn't have been one would catch anyone's interest. I don't know what a blown-out bass speaker sounds like , but I imagined the voice to be deep. I'd probably read on to find out if the man (?) with the gun (?) is an inhabitant of the city, a mercenary, fellow explorer, or whatever, and to see if any history is revealed about what happened to Earth. - AC

A great deal of information squeezed into a little bit of space. It's years andytears in the future, these explorers have landed back on Earth, and somebody - or something - is waiting for them. Are they going to be peaceful? Warlike? Both? I'd certainly look forward to seeing the end of this one too. - 2nd place - KB

Has lots of potential but some of the sentences and paragraphs are uneven. This, and some of the punctuation errors ("Where are you going," Clive demanded. SHOULD BE "Where are you going?" Clive demanded.) may be a formatting issue, because it looks like something pasted from an HTML email editor into Word.- MA

I'm conflicted about this one. It doesn't really pull me in, but at the same time, the ending seems to just beg me to peek at the next page, at least to find out what happens next. Which I think is the point. 2nd place - JS

Interesting, tho' the dialogue came just a little too fast for my liking, I wanted more visuals to compliment the words. THIRD. -dp

Mine - North (cardinaldog)

This reads like a TV show teaser. (In fact, for some reason it reminds me of the original “Twilight Zone.”) Which isn’t necessarily good, or bad either. Just . . . not as strong as it could be. It makes the cut because I would probably keep reading, but it doesn’t get a vote. JW

The dialogue mechanics turned me off--"muttered," "demanded." Also a few too may exclamation points--perhaps a better idea to let the dialogue do the work. And I couldn't help thinking that the reincarnation of John Wayne spoke the last line, Pilgrim. Bill

This felt a bit rushed. The "As you know, Bob" dialogue that made up most of this opening didn't hold any tension for me, and I have no idea who Casey and Clive are and why they are there. I might read on a little. - SA

A fascinating hook with lots of questions raised in a very short space Of time. The only thing it lacks is strong characterization, but given the limited amount of space that is perhaps understandable, but giving some depth to Casey and Clive had better be a priority. In other months this would have easily placed, but this month has a lot of strong entries and it vies for a place but ultimately falls just short. - DG

I rather like this. A potentially flat opening line is redeemed by "the thirtieth time," which both adds humor and speaks to Clive's personality. Excellent job of revealing the situation bit by bit through conversation. Setting and mystery well-described, without any infodump. The conversation also reveals the two main characters and suggests future conflict between them. You even sneak in the fact that they're on Earth in the distant future, without slowing the pace. Some good potential here. I, too, heard John Wayne saying the last line - If this allusion is not your intention, I would suggest clarifying it as soon as possible (I can see the significance of "pilgrim" coming up in the next few lines of dialogue -- as well as some explanation of how the newcomer speaks their language.) -- Admin

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