Mighty close! Susan edged out BJ for first place, and David and Lisa tied for third, with the rest of the pack quite close behind. August 2005 Best Openings Contest
Congratulations to everyone for some fine dialogue and thanks for participating.
Results
1st 2nd 3rd V Total Friends and Lovers - Susan 1 2 3 1 13 Reconnaissance - BJ 2 1 1 1 12 Garden of Tears - David 2 0 0 1 9 The School of Salomé - Lisa 2 0 0 1 9 Listen To Wise Man - Derek 1 0 2 1 8 Transformations - Chanpheng 0 1 1 1 6 Querido - Terry 0 1 1 0 3 No Entry - Sophia 0 0 0 1 3Index FRIENDS AND LOVERS - Susan
Reconnaissance - BJ
Transformations - Chanpheng
Garden of Tears - David
The School of Salomé - Lisa
Listen To The Wise Man - Derek
Querido - Terry
FRIENDS AND LOVERS - Susan
The iron door slid shut behind me. The room, no larger than my meditation cell, was lit only by a single dusty window on the far side. The man on the cot sat up.
"You look well," I told him.
"You lie poorly." He ran his fingers through his hair, and smiled. "Here with a delegation, are you?"
"I came on my own, Rand." I picked up a rag from the foot of the cot. "What do you use this for?"
"I don't wipe my ass with it, if that's what you're asking."
"Good." As I scrubbed the window, its film of sweat and wood smoke gave way to a stark gray sky.
"Oh, well done, little sister. You know, I keep reminding her, but the housekeeper always misses that one." He closed the distance between us and tore the rag from my hand. "Damn it, Cor! What the hell are you doing here?"
"Friend Corso." I said quietly.
"What?" His eyes widened.
"My name. Six months now."
"No, Cor," he whispered. "Not you."§
There's conflict and setting, but I didn't get a particularly good feel for who the characters were (other than siblings, and one possibly a member of a cult...) The dialogue is good but not particularly revealing. Still, I would continue reading. - LM
FRIENDS AND LOVERS Interesting and intriguing. No clue exactly what is going on, but still engaging. I'd definitely read on, though the characters need a bit of spicing-they seem a little emotionless. SECOND (BJ)
Mine. Boring/melodramatic. Slapped together at last minute, what can I say? -- SW
I didn't quite know what the last exchange referred to, i.e. was Cor identifying herself as some kind of Scarlet Pimpernel alter ago, or had she had a sex change, or what. That final note of confusion stayed with me and may have denied a higher vote for an otherwise not too bad entry. THIRD. -dp
Wiping the window lacked tension. I thought that maybe it was necessary for the speaker to see the moon, or something, but in that case, some hint of that necessity would have made this action interesting. I’m intrigued by the ending after re-reading the title, and its suggestion, to my mind, of a future society with different norms to ours, so I’d read on. I’m not drawn in by the characters, however. - SA
I like the way the tension is shown – the contrast between the narrator trying to act normally and the prisoner trying to keep his anger under control, and the revelation at the end. When I re-read it, it realized that the reference to the size of the room, compared to the narrator's meditation cell was foreshadowing that she had become a "friend." First place. CL
Good use of dialogue and some hints of intrigue. I think that this is actually the best written of this month’s entries, but I allocate my vote on personal appeal as well as technical merit, so it only ends up as my 2nd choice. - DG
Fine job, methinks, of fulfilling the challenge. These characters talk like real people, which is to say they never sound like they’re opening their mouths to dispense info for the readers sake, and yet they do reveal quite a bit. Subtly but surely we find out that Corso has joined the ranks of those who imprisoned Rand. - Admin.
Back to Index
Reconnaissance - BJ
Sergeant Hillary Lo bent towards her field companion, Corporal Fallet. "I spy with my little eye something green," she whispered.
Fallet scrunched one eye, and swiped at a mosquito buzzing near her ear. "We're in a rainforest, Sergeant. Everything is green."
Lo pointed an outstretched jungle-grimed finger. "Look at the log just behind that elephant-ear leaf."
"You're right, Sarge. It's green." Fallet hoisted her stunner rifle a little higher and aimed at the log. "Gotta be careful of those things, Sarge. Want me to blast it?"
"Not just yet, Corporal. But I saw something."
"Besides the log, you mean?"
"I want to determine if that log's green eyes belong to an alien, or some kind of frog."
"Frog. I triple-checked the satellite data. No aliens here."
Lo batted at the swarm of flying insects gathering around her face. "I hate the jungle—too many unknowns. Why couldn't we pull real duty in a desert war somewhere?"
"Probably because you're the one who snorted when the Colonel suggested alien landing recon in the first place."§
I loved the dialogue in this piece. It was snappy, clipped right along and provided good voices for the two characters. We also got setting and possible conflict. Great job. - LMThe best piece of BOC fiction I've written this month! Keep up the good work! (BJ)
Good sense of setting plus slightly humorous tone kept me reading. General sympathy for the characters made me overlook the "As you know, Bob" exchange near the end of the entry. I would hope that the impending danger would show up quickly; the characters' casual conversation will need to go somewhere soon. Overall, engaging enough for a 3rd place vote. SW
Functional but didn't quite pull me in, too much biology and not enough happening, perhaps? -dp
I liked this up until the statement that it was definitely a frog. After that, the tension vanished, and the following dialogue didn’t mean anything to me. It was backstory, and lacked interest. Lo’s whining about her situation puts me off her. - SA
I liked the humor, which is realistic banter between two bored soldiers and the way it builds the scene. By the end of the paragraph, I knew that log was going to do something. Second place. CL
Competent writing, entertaining characters, but no obvious indication where this is going. OTOH I’m fairly confident you don’t have to pin down the major plot arc in the first 200 words, so maybe that isn’t a fatal flaw. In fact I think I liked this the most of this month’s offerings, so 1st. -DG
Not bad. Dialogue ably does its work and provides some humor as well. One nit: if the satellite data indicates no aliens, why send in the recon personnel? - Admin.
Transformations - Chanpheng
Jason glared at his assailant sharing the jail cell. Sisouk smiled back at him and opened his box lunch.
"Mr. Jason, please taste."
"It looks disgusting. What is it?"
"Call it sorkhu."
"Is it supposed to be black?" Jason't stomach heaved as Sisouk picked up a piece in his fingers. The food wiggled.
"It very good sorkhu." Sisouk placed it in his mouth, smiled as he swallowed it and patted his stomach. "See, it very good."
"I'm not hungry. I have to get out of here."
"Those bars very strong."
"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you."
Sisouk's smile disappeared. "Because you. You throw money at me."
"You wouldn't pay for your own food."
"You make me punch you."
Jason slid to the end of the bed, snagging his pants on a splinter. "You drove the Landcruiser into the river."
Sisouk stood, pointing at Jason, "You listen nothing. What I can do?"
Jason stood, towering over Sisouk. The guard rattled the keys as he opened the door.
Sisouk smiled. "Now to court. Please."§
The dialogue in this piece was good, albeit a bit confusing. I liked the character voices, the setting, the spec element. Obviously there is conflict, but for now part of the story is missing. Would turn the page to see where this goes. - LMSisouk is interesting. I'm curious to see what it's all about, but in this case, a litle too much dialog that didn't tell me much-i.e. Was the black & wriggling sorkhu worth so many words? I'd like to see this sharpened a tad. I also didn't know is this was an encounter with an alien, or some non North American indigenous person. Worth reading on a little way to see what was happening. (BJ)
This entry got points for the way it used dialogue to distinguish the characters and their relationship. Clear sense of who's talking, despite lack of dialogue tags (well done!). There's a lot of exposition near the end, but the sentences are short and snappy, so it comes across as an argument/verbal volley, rather than an infodump. Character actions well interwoven into dialogue. The only place I stumbled was over the first sentence. Jason is in jail, and his assailant is in the same cell. As written, the sentence doesn't seem to focus on one or the other. Maybe we don't even need to know Sisouk's an assailant at this point, since the dialogue seems to reveal it later; Jason's glaring suggests there's a conflict between them. Interesting dynamics between these two. 2nd place - SW
Another entry with not enough happening to pull me in, alas. -dp
I don’t think I would read a whole story written with this sort of humour. It seemed to rely on cultural differences between the two characters for the laughs, but I had no idea of what setting they were in, or of the characters’ backgrounds. I assumed American and Japanese, and although it was amusing, it would feel old very quickly. I expect something more exotic from SF! The relationship between the characters isn’t very clear, and there wasn’t any tension in this opening. - SA
My own. CL
It’s difficult not to view this as clichéd ‘trusty native guide’ stuff. There’s some hint of intrigue in determining what put the two protagonists in jail, but not sufficient to make me dig beyond the cliché.-DG
The dialogue works for me, and admiral restraint is shown in avoiding clunky revelations, but perhaps just a wee bit of background would help readers place these characters in focus. You mentioned the following when you emailed the opening to me: “It's the opening for a science fiction story about a Human and a Thalathan who get into a fight and the court orders them to live each other's lives for a week by doing a mind swap.” You might not be able to include all of this information unobtrusively, but certainly some of it could be worked in. For instance, since we’re in Jason’s POV and he’s angry, “Sisouk smiled back at him” in the first graph, could be augmented by “Sisouk, the damned Thalathan, smiled back at him,” or some such. IMHO, it’s okay to dump a little info if you’re sneaky about it.
- Admin.
Garden of Tears - David
“Gruß Gott!”
I smiled in delight, “Gruß Gott, Walter!” The drizzle had stopped and now an old friend was here to make the day complete.
I half-turned so I could see both my men at once while I did the introduction thing.
“Klaus, Herr Doktor Ing. Walter Stickerl. Walter, Herr Doktor Ing. Klaus Ostermeyer.”
The two men stared at each other for several long moments. It wasn’t clear whether it was some male bonding ritual, or a macho butting heads thing. Whatever it was, even as a member of the empathetic half of the species it was closed to me. I’d thought I was safe from jealousy, both men were happily married with kids, but maybe I’d read the situation wrong.
It was Klaus who broke the silence.
“Phantom ICE - you were on the radar integration team!”
“I was leading the radar integration team,” Walter corrected, “And you were working on the countermeasures team.”
<Sigh>, Sophie gets it wrong again - no machismo, no confrontation, they just happened to have worked together once upon a time.§
There was dialogue here, and I got the spec element, but setting and characterization (other than one is an empathy) slid completely by me. I read it again and tried to get something more out of it, but this one just didn't work for me. That is not to say with minor tweaking that things would be more clear. - LMPuzzling, but interesting. I was not quite sure about anything, but it was executed well enough to suggest interesting things follow and all would be revealed. I would read on. FIRST (BJ)
Possibly an interesting situation, but no points, 'cause it doesn't fulfill the dialogue requirements for this month. Minimal dialogue as it is, and all the talking is small talk/introduction stuff that doesn't reveal character, conflict, or situation. - SW
I didn't feel that the dialogue propelled anything forward, it's a straight character intro with some backstory elements sprinkled in, which wasn't enough to pull me in. -dp
Excellent stuff. The dialogue was smooth and painted the characters in an interesting and likeable light. The POVC was interesting, too, and my, what great taste in protagonist names the author has. Joint FIRST, and would definitely read on; I hope there is more of this. - SA
I couldn't get into this one, starting with the German words. The introduction between the two men didn't do anything to build the scene. CL
Nothing wrong with the dialogue, as far as it takes us. I think low conflict is the weakness here, especially ending the way it does. At the very point the reader needs machismo and confrontation, we’re told there is none. Perhaps better to have these guys pawing at the earth a bit.
- Admin.
The School of Salomé - Lisa
"You got your gadget on?" Sal asked.
"Damn straight." Lily snapped the pink band of her g-string and winked at the gruff stage manager. "We need a Boston version tonight?"
"Nah. Looks like the mayor is going to cut us a break after the raid last week." Smoke trickled out of the corner of his mouth as he checked the hand lines.
Lily scowled across the stage at Opium, the newest dancer at the Velvet Glove and the woman billed as the Scintillating Sin Purveyor from the East.
"That slit-eyed tramp is the one that got us in trouble, flashing her blisters and grinding with that damn snake. Who in the hell bailed her out of jail?"
Sal blew a smoke-ring into the flies. "She told the other girls Trey Parker did it."
Lily nearly dropped her ostrich plume fans.
"Bullshit."
"My thoughts exactly." Sal raised a sardonic brow. "The man plays house with a society dame and has you on the side. How much more hootchie-cootch could one playboy realistically handle?"§
Mine. This story is a work-in-progress for the Spicy Slipstream anthology, and the first spec elements come just after this bit. At the very least, it's been interesting research. *G* - LMThe School of Salomé - Well! Some snappy dialog for sure. Did everything it was supposed to do, and raised my middle-aged, prim little eyebrows while doing it. Seems like fun; will that be continued? I would read on to find out, but I don't like "slit-eyed" one little bit. I'd need to know the character better and that its use was appropriate as an indicator of plot or character development. Did like the use of "hootchie cootch", though.(BJ)
Topnotch integration of action and dialogue. Tons of texture in character speech. I'd read on because this is so smoothly written I'm assuming the writer will deliver a compelling plot/story (even though my first response was that this felt a lot like "Chicago," and I'd already seen the movie
). IOW -- I'm not hugely interested in the story so far, but I'm willing to read on for a few more hundred words or so. Over-the-top in an engaging way and smooth enough use of dialogue to rate a 1st place. - SW How could I resist a character who flashes her blisters? Some nice word choices here that helped paint the setting, and Lily's feelings about Opium make the opening interesting. FIRST. -dp
I liked the dialogue in this. I found parts of this confusing, because I just didn’t know what was meant by a gadget, a Boston version or hand lines. There isn’t much tension in this, and no speculative element, which leads it to missing out on a vote. - SA
This was a little confusing, maybe too much information packed into the paragraph. What's a Boston version? The mayor cutting them a break, Trey Parker? What's the playboy got to do with it? The slang made it confusing as well. CL
Difficult not to see this one as a late 20s setting, probably with distinct overtones of noir. There’s nothing I can see to criticize, but nothing I like well enough to put it in the top 3. - DG
Good job of delivering character, and even a bit of setting, through the dialogue, though I think the opening’s a little lean on conflict so far--married playboy strings along two exotic dancers. But perhaps there’s more than just another snap of that g-string in store for us.
- Admin.
Listen To The Wise Man - Derek
Owls, they're so predictable. This one was looking back over his shoulder as he stepped into the airlock, which made it easier for me to hit him. He lay on the floor, nursing his jaw and trying to figure where he'd gone wrong. "How'd you get here so fast?" Curious, not angry.
"You knew you were ten minutes ahead of me and the next Earthside shuttle would drop in three minutes. Right?" He nodded. "I put on a starsuit and took the scenic route outside instead of following you through the Station."
He slapped his head. "I should have thought of that."
"Too late now," I said. I read the warrant. "Byzantium Felix— What the hell kind of name is that anyway? Byzantium Felix, you're under arrest on charges of theft, deception, conspiracy, and murder."
"Murder?" He squealed the word. "I didn't kill anyone."
"That's what they all say. Put these on." I tossed the cuffs.
"You don't understand," he said. "I am incapable of murder. Nor can I lie. I'm an Owl, remember?"§
There was setting and conflict in this one, but the dialogue was trying too hard to fill in the backstory. I did get characterization out of it, but it just seemed like the author was trying to show too much in too short a span of time (something I blame on the low-low word count limit and not the author necessarily! *G*) - LMHmmm, nice catch to propel me forward. But...Felix the Owl? I would read on. THIRD (BJ)
Possibly an interesting situation; I want to know more about Owls. But it falls short of the assignment, IMO, by delivering dialogue that communicates facts and totally neglects character. IOW, it's info that could be handled just as well with straight text, rather than conversation. - SW
Hoot hoot. Mine, he declared, ruffling his feathers. -dp
Another great opening. Good dialogue, setting and plot hook; I want to read the rest. Joint FIRST. - SA
I liked this one too, because of the intrigue about what's an Owl. But just a few nits "He lay on the floor, nursing his jaw and trying to figure where he'd gone wrong." A POV shift? Even though the narrator thinks that he knows Owls, he still doesn't know what Felix is thinking. "Curious, not angry." The narrator's assumption but might be better to show what Felix's actions are. I like the part where the narrator hands Felix the handcuffs, tells him to put them on, showing that Owls would do that. My impression is that there's more narrative rather than dialogue. CL
Owls and wisdom, and unanswered questions. This sets the hook well enough, I’m left curious to know what an owl is, but it’s let down by the wording of the first couple of paragraphs. I think it’s actually impossible to know for certain which character is speaking until midway through the second para, at which point if you guessed the wrong way – I did – you’re thrown out of the story into a grammar rearrangement exercise. The writing itself is fine, but it needs reworking so the reader isn’t left with a puzzle over who is speaking when. And as the narrator says, "Byzantium Felix-- What the hell kind of name is that anyway?” If it isn’t there for plot reasons, then it shouldn’t be there, ditto starsuit vs spacesuit. Nevertheless, I like it well enough to make it my third choice. - DG
Another opening that ably creates conflict and humor, along with some action! Writer flirts with being accused of using “as-you-know-Bob” dialogue when he begins a sentence with "You knew you were ten minutes ahead of me,” but then this writer is always toying with my silly BOC rules.
- Admin.
Querido - Terry
"Evelyn, you look awful! What's wrong?"
Evelyn Rogers sighed, rubbing her temples. "I didn't get any sleep last night, Bessie. I had a headache, and really odd nightmares."
"Really? What kind?"
"I was walking down the hall towards the telex room, just like always. Then suddenly a long strip of telex tape flew out of the room and hit me on the head. It grew into a huge banner and hovered in the air right in front of my eyes. ‘Japanese attack Pearl Harbor,’ it said. The date was December 7."
"Don’t worry. It was just a dream. All my intel sources say they'll never attack Pearl.“ “I know, but it scared me. I’ve had odd dreams before, Bessie, and they usually come true.”
"Good thing this Thursday is Thanksgiving. You can take a couple of days off and relax, even if we can’t get turkey anywhere in Manila this year.”
“You’re probably right. I do need a rest.”
“Darn right. There’s no such thing as visions of the future.”§
This one had the dialogue, but having a character recount a dream (even a prophecy) just brought the opening to a stand-still for me. Perhaps experiencing the dream first-hand would do more to move the story forward. As is, the dialogue seems a little stale and "as you know, Bob" even though that's not the case. The title, however, grabbed me. Might keep reading just for its sake. ;) - LMI like that it's set in Manila, but wonder what these two women do for a living. A little bit of talking heads exposition-the heart of this is in the telling of the dream rather than the showing of it. I also wonder what will be the route this takes-only a few days until The attack-what does she do? And why the title "Beloved"; what does this have to do with precognitive dreams and Bessie? I would peek ahead, but better have some quick idea of what's about to shake Evelyn's world more than Pearl Harbor. (BJ
Lots of conversation here, but these are talking heads, without any sense of setting, or of character appearance, state of mind, or relationship. Who are Evelyn and Bessie? Where are they? (yes, Manila, but in a house, in a bedroom?) And I really don't like unattributed opening quotes; they're pretty much useless, IMO, unless we know a bit about the person who's speaking. -- SW
A tad strange, what with the telex tape hitting her on the head, but I'd probably read on to see where Evelyn's visions lead her. And to find out what the heck "Querido" means. SECOND. -dp
This opening didn’t work for me. Being entirely dialogue wasn’t actually the problem; it was more that there was no tension, as we know what is going to happen. I’m guessing that the characters are based on real people, which would explain ‘Bessie’ having intel sources, but I don’t know who they are, and there is no characterisation. I wouldn’t read on, sorry. - SA
I liked this because the office banter was realistic. I liked the image of the telex spewing out the future. CL
I’m not certain it’s possible to write a story about pre-knowledge of Pearl Harbour without sounding clichéd – ‘Final Countdown’ did it a good enough job of it to settle firmly into everyone’s sub-conscious. Writing-wise this is competent without being startling, but I wonder about a female character with ‘intel sources’ and saying ‘Darn right’ within the implied time period. - DG
I think this opening satisfied the challenge, by revealing a character in conflict through capable use of dialogue, but it felt too laid back and improperly focused. The bit about the telex tape seemed slapstick, yet the opening wasn’t humorous. And the last couple lines convince us that the precognition isn’t going to alter the inevitable historical attack, so the story’s interest will depend upon a different conflict, one which we know nothing about yet. - Admin.
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2005 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
