April 2005 Best Openings Contest Results
In the Council waiting room, the man next to me had bitten his nails to the quick. I cast another glance. Frayed jacket, but fine-cut for the City. FULL CIRCLE
“A clerk, are you?” I guessed. “Shouldn’t have to worry. You’re no danger to them.” I patted his knee. “Come now, is it that awful? The audition, I mean?”
He turned, as if noticing me for the first time. His eyes widened, and in a flurry of shakes and shudders, he dropped to the floor at my feet.
“Your Grace,” he gasped. “Forgive me, I had no idea-“
“What? Oh no, good fellow. You’ve mistaken me-“ I protested, as he pounded the marble tiles and wailed apologies.
“Silence!” I felt the voice behind me as much as I heard it. Kieran. Ten years since I’d seen him. Well, “seen,” might not be the right word. Ten years ago, he sold me as wife to a brute. The last time I’d laid eyes on my dear brother I was hanging upside down, tied to a horse.
“Forgive me!” My bench-mate continued to moan, as he rocked back and forth on his knees.
“For what, for what?” I was losing patience. “Can’t you see I have huge, dark, and violence-laden family conflicts to resolve and my brother is powerful and charismatic and I’ve spent the last two years disguised as a man and besides, I really need a bath?”
“Forgive me, Your Administrative Graceness, for making the other IMPs read through your whole cutesy opening (characters in conflict, 175 words, although Kieran’s off stage at this point) instead of telling them the results of the April BOC Without Delay! Oh woe is me! Woe!”
“Whoa indeed!” I grabbed his flailing right hand, in which he clutched a scrap of parchment. And on which was written (yup, you guessed it):
THE RESULTS OF THE APRIL BOC:
Close race this month with stellar efforts from our newcomers!
Tied for third place:
Derek Paterson for “The King’s Man” and new IMP Mike Perschon for “Magic Beans.”
In second place:
Terry Martin for “Little Dog Laughed.”
And in first place, another tie:
Bill Allan for “Anomaly,” and first-timer Chanpheng Lew for “Untitled.”
Congratulations to all participants and those who commented.
Here’s the tally for April 2005.
WRITER TITLE 1ST 2ND 3RD Voted TOTAL Chanpheng Lew Untitled 9 3 12 Bill Allan Anomaly 3 4 2 3 12 Terry Martin Little Dog Laughed 6 4 9 Derek Paterson The King's Man 3 2 3 8 Mike Perschon Magic Beans 4 1 3 8 Adrienne C. Of Kings and Castles 2 3 5 Dee-Ann Latona Bounty 2 2 Sophia Ahmed (voted only) 3 3 Jon Woolf (voted only) 3 3We’re taking a break for May (to make room for the 7-in-7. I’ll be back June 1 for the final month of my quarter.Thanks.
Later,
Index ANOMALY - Bill Allan
OF KINGS AND CASTLES - Adrienne C.
MAGIC BEANS - Mike Perschon
UNTITLED - Chanpheng Lew
BOUNTY - Dee-Ann Latona
THE KING'S MAN - Derek Paterson
LITTLE DOG LAUGHED - Terry Martin
Update: comments from Ninja Granda added, alas these arrived too late to be included in vote totals.
Brigit Morrigan. How had she found him? ANOMALY - Bill Allan
"Scotch," she said. "Neat."
"Yes, ma'am." He dumped a shot of Inverhouse on cracked ice, then served the glass with a cardboard coaster. "Nuts?" he asked without blinking.
She looked down at the snack bowl as if it were filled with pigeon crap, then back up at him with the same assessment.
"We gotta talk, Jack."
"I'm working."
"Take a break."
He turned his back, feeling her glare freeze his spine as he walked to the other end of the bar. Close to two in the morning, he had no other customers, so he began polishing beer mugs and stacking them upside down.
"He wants you back," she said, the Irish accent barely noticeable in her flat voice.
"Go to hell."
"Later maybe."
"I'm not his lab rat anymore."
She actually laughed, and he wheeled around to face her.
"You think this is funny, you psychotic bitch?"
But he was looking into Morrigan's third eye, the business end of a Glock Nine.
"Get your coat, Jack. We're leaving."
§
"Anomaly" has a great pace to it. The tension is in the pacing of the words, as well as the words themselves. Never mind that referring to the "business end of a Glock Nine" has a snappy ring to it. Great opener. I'd read on. 2nd place - MPThis one was okay, but didn't engage me. Ice in the drink when she'd wanted it neat was a nice touch to establish the fact that there was conflict between them. The rest of the conversation didn't make a lot of sense, since I wasn't told who "he" was. Of course, if I read on, I'd find out, but I might or might not. - Dri
Mine. Morrigan (queen of demons) is a Celtic goddess of war, fertility and (of all things) vegetation
. WA The first sentence confused me and it wasn’t until the third sentence that I realized that “Brigit Morrigan” referred to the woman. A few actions could have been cut out - such as pouring the drink over cracked ice. Neat Scotch also refers to a shot of scotch, which isn’t served with ice, right? 3rd place -CL
Could be mainstream, or maybe noir, there's certainly no specfic element. And the sensational appeal of a female character with a gun is overdone. But the writing wasn't entirely unappealing so who knows, maybe the story will meander somewhere interesting. SECOND. -dp
The writing is smooth, but I'm not sure where this story is going. I don't know much about the narrator, but I do react in a very negative way to Brigit, so I hope she doesn't turn out to be the main character.
Missing comma after later in "Later maybe." I might read on a little, but without much enthusiasm, sorry. THIRD. - SA First impression: I don't know what direction this is gonna go, but it appears it's not going the direction I would've expected. "Morrigan" plus Irish accent plus "He wants you back" and hints of a mysterious past made me think instantly of the Irish war-goddess The Morrigan . . . and then suddenly she's holding a handgun? Weird. Enough to attract my interest, anyway. Second impression: not a bad job of writing either -- fits the theme for the month, the staccato back-and-forth works well, the two characters and the minimal situation are well laid out. 1st -JSW
No major problems with this one. Followed the guidelines, with ample setting and characters in conflict. Good flow, plausible dialogue that deftly covers a good bit of exposition. I stumbled a bit over the first lines, actually; first reading made “Brigit Morrigan” the “him” in the second sentence, with “she” being the POV character. (Yes, I know Brigit’s commonly a woman’s name, but with SF/F, I make no assumptions about the name/gender connection. The same SF/F mind set turned Brigit into a Cyclops for an instant before the Glock appears. Just my brain waves at play; probably wouldn’t change [g]). Yup, I’d read on. - Admin.
Nice dialogue, solid POV. Paints a vivid picture. I would definitely read on. -NG
Carson crouched on the wooded hilltop, looking into the valley. He could see Hiller, managing his men, overseeing the construction. New scaffolding had been erected on the west side. Grimly he counted the levels... three... four... five. Five! He jumped to his feet, forgetting there was a tree branch just above his head. Rubbing his head, muttering curses, he stalked to where his horse was tethered nearby, and rode down the hill to confront Hiller. OF KINGS AND CASTLES - Adrienne C.
"Five! Your walls will be higher than mine, and I won't have that. I won't!"
"So? I've got this land to defend, and I will do so as I see fit. High, strong walls are what's needed, and I'll build them as high as I like."
"You'll break the Council's agreement? Just like that?"
"We agreed that our rampart walls would be of equal height and breadth. If your building is slow, that's your concern, not mine. Why should I slow down my progress to suit you?"
"You're going beyond the needs of security, and into displays of power."
§
"Of Kings and Castles" didn't grab me a bit. I don't feel like I got any feel for the nature of the conflict other than that it might be military. I'd be passing, sorry.- MPNo vote, no comments (other than it's definitely lightweight and needs work). -Dri
Perhaps if we had a hint of why these guys are building the high walls, we’d have enough conflict to push on, but a mere hissy fit over the height of the walls themselves doesn't exactly glue us to the pages. WA
The writing is okay, and I like the setting, but I'm waiting (impatiently) for the story to start. SECOND. - SA
I’m not really into fantasy and this opening wouldn’t change my opinion.-CL
The "conflict" seemed artificial and the opening quickly evolves to talking heads, losing the fantasy mood. Didn't quite lure me in, sorry. -dp
First impression: kinda slow. It also fits the month's theme, but it's much weaker than other entries. There are hints of interesting stuff to come, but only hints. Not enough to rescue it. Sorry, no vote. -JSW
Certainly follows the guidelines, and possibly and interesting conflict (a war of walls? Hmm). But the drama is lost in Carson’s dialogue and some clunky writing. (e.g. Carson seems to be stamping his foot, more or less, as if the stakes are nothing more than ego). And the first paragraph is chock-full of weak -ing verbs. (looking, managing, overseeing, forgetting, rubbing, muttering). One or two are okay, but multiples start to read funny-partly because they’re not as forceful as declarative verbs, partly because they often describe impossible situations, e.g. the first sentence has the hilltop looking into the valley, and just while he happened to be a state of forgetfulness, he jumped to his feet. Work on the writing and Carson’s character, and this might go somewhere - Admin
Prose is a bit weak. For example, he jumps but you don't make us see/feel the injury. Still, it's not bad, just needs a bit of work. Has promise. The dialogue is also weak-doesn't feel credible or authentic. Do tighten it up and write the story, though. -NG
"You thought it was the best possible use of the money?" Andrew Weezle asked. "You know the books are completely in the red!" MAGIC BEANS - Mike Perschon
"Red like the blood the coffee industry sucks from coffee growers in Guatemala," Lara replied under her breath, and then shouted, "Mediumlowfatdecafmochaccino!"
"In. The. Red." Andrew's elocution was guillotine sharp. "You understand that, don't you? It means; Not. In. The. Black."
"Black like your cold, lifeless soul?" Lara shouted another unintelligible order for retrieval.
Andrew rolled his eyes. "You know, if we were on television, you'd be Jennifer Aniston." "If we were on television, I'd be driving a stake through your heart."
Lara paused, hands on hips. "What difference does it make? That deposit wasn't going to save this place. We're way beyond fucked."
"If you'd at least donated it to a foreign relief agency." Andrew said. "But you gave it away in trade for.three coffee beans?" Andrew gestured wildly to the bean bins behind them.
Lara shrugged her shoulders. "They're magic coffee beans."
§
"Magic Beans" felt a little like a bait and switch. Nothing really to drag me in until I find out there's the promise of Magic Beans. Not sure I'd read on.-MPI'm curious to know how the coffee beans are magic, and what happens next, so I'd probably read on.I didn't get a clear image of the coffee shop scene. I assume they're the owners of the coffee shop, and that they're standing behind the counter talking. Presumably low enough so that customers can't hear what they're saying, except for when Lara shouts the orders to the kitchen. The conflict was clearly communicated, however: a cash-strapped business and an apparently poor investment made in "magic" coffee beans. Third place. -Dri
Retelling of the Beanstalk story--okay, but convincing us this contemporary woman actually believes the beans are magic is going to be a tough sell. Second Place. WA
This opening was a little confusing - what is "this place" that they're talking about? I thought they were customers in a coffee shop at first, but I'm thinking by the end that they are the owners of it. The Jennifer Aniston reference really put me off - it seemed like an attempt at getting out of any meaningful character description, and it failed at that because Jennifer Aniston herself doesn't make me thing of any type of personality or character; it is the parts she plays that have specific characteristics. I'm not drawn to either Andrew or Lara. The magic beans idea is interesting, but I would like a suggestion of where this story is going - preferably something that assures me that this isn't "Jack and the Beanstalk" in a modern setting. SA
I thought it was funny, especially the three magic beans at the end. I liked how the argument was going on while Lara was trying to serve up coffees. I don’t understand the reference to “Jennifer Anniston”; I think making a reference like that in the opening just wastes space which could have contributed more to building the scene. 2nd place -CL
The "conflict" seemed artificial and the modern setting didn't support Lara's final line which sounded a wrong note, sorry. -dp
Technically OK, fits the theme for the month, but for whatever reason this one doesn't grab me. There's just no energy to it, other than the rather weak "hook" of an urban fairy-tale retelling.-JSW
Generally deft dialogue, follows the guidelines, but a few missteps that dilute the drama it might have: I need to have a glimmer of setting to be grounded in a scene. Opening line says “office” to me. The “mediumlowfatdecafmochaccino” is wonderful, but only a confirmed Starbucks crawler like myself would fill in the scenery based on this. I don’t even know where Andrew is located in relationship to Lara. From your set-up of Lara’s character thusfar, I don’t get that she’d fall for such an outrageous offer as magic beans, so I’d make sure you get to what convinced her very quickly. Also - I love retakes of fairy tales; the trick is to twist them creatively, IOW, do something more interesting than a modern version. And bag Jennifer Aniston, IMO. Doesn’t work, especially with “Friends” in re-runs [g]. Find a creative direction and you may have a story - Admin.
Nice. I like fairy-tale derivatives. I think the dialogue flowed nicely, provided good character exposition. I would read on. -NG
We had talked for hours. UNTITLED - Chanpheng Lew
"I've never told anyone this before. You're so easy to talk to."
I looked in his eyes. "The same here."
"I know many people, but I feel so isolated."
"Alienated."
"That's the word exactly. How could you have know that word?"
I struggled to reply. "I must have read your mind."
"Yes, there's a strong connection."
"We've been talking for so long."
He nodded. "I feel like I've know you for years, lifetimes."
"It certainly does seem that way." I stifled a yawn.
He smiled at that and squeezed my hand again. "Did I tell you about my wife?"
"Yes." I sighed. "Several times."
"She doesn't understand me."
"I guessed."
He gazed into my eyes. "You understand so much."
I left the bar before he returned from the toilet. I didn't feel any obligation; I didn't even know his name.
I learned it the following day. Ratthamy Phonsavath, the captain of our ship. When our eyes met, we both recoiled. We would be serving together for the next five years.
§
I thought "Untitled" was quite clever. Reminded me of a Kate Bush song called "Heads we're dancing" where a woman spends the night dancing with a "charming man" only to get the morning paper and see his face on the front cover - it turns out to be Hitler. I'd read on for sure! 1st place - MPWe see the potential conflict between two people who find out they're going to be serving together on a long tour of duty, when the night before they'd supposedly made a connection, communication-wise. I'd probably condense the dialogue some, and expand more at the end of the opener, showing more of what happens when they both report to the ship. I saw a few grammar nitpicks, but they'd be fixed when the story was finished. -Dri
The implied homosexual content didn’t lose points for this opening, but low conflict (one-night-standers face a long journey together?) and the absence of a speculative element did kick it out of the running. WA
I was surprised when the narrator yawned that the man didn't take that as a signal she was bored. It's an interesting source of conflict having them serve together. The pace of this opening makes me think it would suit a novel rather than a short story. The writing is okay, except I didn't have much of a sense of the speakers' personalities. They both sounded similar, and the captain came across as a girly, cheating wimp having a mid-life crisis - certainly not rugged captain material. It might be interesting if the narrator now planned on deliberately making his tour of duty really uncomfortable, but there isn't any hint of that, or really of anywhere this story is going. However, I do like the potential in the setup, and would definitely read on. FIRST. - SA
Whoops, can’t comment on this; it’s mine. - CL
Nothing except the captain's odd name suggests this might be a specfic opening, which disappointed, since a seed of future ongoing conflict is planted. But still, FIRST. -dp
Another technically OK one, fits the monthly theme, but the lack of any real action in the dialog stops it cold in its tracks.- JSW
This works better than most “talking heads” scenes. The line “Did I tell you about my wife” enters just in time to kick the tension up a notch. And you worked in some subtle indications that the captain and the POV character don’t view the conversation in exactly the same way (e.g. the POV character yawns). The only misstep is in a lack of setting, until near the end of the scene and in general conflict level. I might trim a few of the earlier lines of dialogue in favor of suggestions of the bar, or the planet, or the city, or something. Also - a man cheating on his wife doesn’t seem to carry enough weight in a galactic setting where the fate of world are at stake [g]. IOW, I’d suggest putting these characters’ emotional discomfort in the context of larger conflicts. Also, I don’t know whether the gender ambiguity is intentional; I don’t know whether the POV character is male, female, hermaphrodite, or what. I don’t think we necessarily have to know yet - but some sense of appearance, species, etc., might be useful, unless you’re withholding that information for other reasons. Increase the stakes, and you have a story, IMO - Admin.
Needs a bit more setting, but the intensity is there. I'd like a bit broader exposition, but I would read on to see how this interesting, conflict-riddled story plays out. Just as a side note, the flow of the dialogue straddled the line between real-life banality and stock phrases.however, it came off as if you did that on purpose, so I'm inclined to say well done. -NG
Some bounty hunters rely on brute force. Others rely on finesse. As Hank slid another step along the ledge, he tried to decide where this brainiac fell. The price on his head required him to be delivered alive. BOUNTY - Dee-Ann Latona
The next window was only three feet away. Only. He looked down and the world spun once again. Gritting his teeth, he forced his fingers to release their white-knuckled death grip on the stones.
"So there you are," said his nemesis from the window he had just left, nearly causing him to slip and fall in surprise.
Hank took several deep breaths and slid another step away before daring to respond. "If you want your payout, I suggest you let me concentrate."
The man smiled, revealing bloody gaps where teeth had been before their latest encounter. Hank smirked back before starting on his next step.
"What makes you think I want the government's coin?" drawled his opponent. "They work so hard to get it from me in taxes, I hate to take it back so easily."
§
"Bounty" was nothing special; felt a little too stock in the choice of conflict, but if I'd already read a few stories in the magazine (I like to read them all) I'd read on. But not if I had "Untitled" t to choose from. Honorable mention -MPGood sentence construction here, easy to read. I'd want to know more up front about why Hank has a price on his head, and why it's important he be taken alive. The last sentence was interesting, because it implies the bounty hunter isn't working for the government (the first inkling we get about who's after Hank), but the part about the taxes didn't ring true for me. The government doesn't work hard to get taxes -- it's usually "pay up or pay a penalty". Unless the guy avoids paying, forcing the government to come after him, and then the mind wanders off onto tangents. It's not bad, but I don't know if I'd keep reading or not. -Dri
A very confusing entry. Who’s hunting who? Is "brainiac" the bounty hunter. He is referred to in turns as brainiac, opponent, nemesis and the man. Why not give him a name? Some unfortunate use of pronouns adds to the confusion. "The man smiled, revealing bloody gaps where teeth had been before their latest encounter." Who’s latest encounter--the teeth’s? If Hank recently knocked them out, just say so. WA
I had to reread the first paragraph a few times to understand what was going on - it wasn't clear whose head the price was on, and whether Hank was the bounty hunter, or, as I thought at first, someone who was hunting the bounty hunter. The situation is interesting and I would read on a little, but the hunter is clichéd with his drawling and joking, to the extent that I'm really put off reading on. I'd expect something a bit more primal and interesting from someone who has just had his teeth punched out. - SA
The opening paragraph didn’t set the scene - it’s like an objective reflection, then moves suddenly into the action. Also, I always hate it when there is too much action about people I haven’t had time to care about. I would pass this up. - CL
Tough to understand what the heck's happening. Sometimes there's dramatic advantage to jumping midway into a scene -- the reader is made curious and demands to know more -- but if the setup is too fragmented then confusion reigns, as is the case here. -dp
Hmmm . . . More action than talking here, though still enough to technically fit the month's theme. Definitely lots of conflict. And the last line suggests the "bounty-hunter" isn't actually a bounty hunter. Which suggests he's something else, and maybe something more interesting. I'd read on. 2nd - JSW
Bounty hunter and quarry - Good potential conflict and certainly follows the guidelines. But lost in confusing writing and poor pacing, IMO. The confusion begins in first graph, where I can’t understand if Hank is hunter or hunted. If the first sentence were clearly from Hank’s point of view (instead of a philosophical observation), it would help. Besides, why is he having this introspective interlude in such a tense scene? And based on the fact (revealed later) that he and the bounty hunter have had several encounters, wouldn’t Hank already have come to some conclusion re whether the guy liked brute force or finesse? IOW, bag the first paragraph except for the action, and tell us where we are. You’ve thrust us into action, without giving us a clear idea of the setting. How high is this building? Night or day? And please, no smirking [g]. Doesn’t work in a life-and-death situation, IMO. - Good situation, needs clean-up. - Admin.
Not a bad opening, certainly has one looking for the denouement. Unfortunately, in spite of the tension, it left me unmoved. Don't know why. -NG
A visitor came to Grymdale Castle on a bright Spring morning that Fliss would remember forever. He wore a red tunic with a golden lion badge across his chest, and a black cloak trimmed with red. Six soldiers rode with him along the curving road, an armed escort, one of them flying a triangular pennant. Fliss, watching from the Gate Tower, somehow knew that her life was about to change. And not especially for the better. THE KING'S MAN - Derek Paterson
Corporal Marrick called the news down to Captain Gruin, who hurried to her father's chambers to inform him. Fliss went the other way, past Master Tink's study and upstairs to the room in the West Tower she shared with Mags. The little bookworm lay on her stomach on her bed, reading, as usual. Mags didn't even look up until Fliss snapped her book shut.
"Hey, you—!"
"Shut up and listen, dog-face," Fliss began, but Captain Gruin's shout from the courtyard below interrupted:
"Open the gates!"
Mags sat up and swung her legs off the bed. "What's happening?"
§
"The King's Man" felt a lot like "Of Kings and Castles." Too much exposition and information dumping - I haven't the faintest clue what the conflict is. I have the same question as Mags, and I need more than that in those first 150 words. Would not read on.-MPI enjoyed this one, and would keep reading to find out who the visitor was, and what impact he'd make on Fliss's life. The conflict between sisters rang true. I saw two nitpicks. Fix the sentence fragment at the end of the first paragraph. Change the first sentence in the second paragraph to eliminate the ambiguity of "her" -- a speed reader would have to stop and slow down, to figure out the reference is to Fliss's father and not Captain Gruin's. Second place. -Dri
This one attempts to introduce too many characters too quickly. Not much conflict yet either, only the POVC’s intuition that change is coming. But I’ll give it another page. First Place. WA
Having Fliss "somehow" know her life is about to change is very weak writing - the author should know exactly what the character is thinking, what connections she has made based on her life's experiences, and from that, give some concrete statement of what she thinks might happen. This will give insight into both the character and the setting. "Spring" shouldn't be capitalised here. The language felt a little too modern for the setting. This opening feels like generic fantasy so far, and needs something, like specific, interesting detail, to kick it out of that. - SA
There’s too much telling in the beginning - she knows something is going to change. So what? - CL
Novel opening. The King's snooty messenger brings bad news, and high adventure awaits sisters Felicity and Margaret. -dp
I didn't like this much. Something about it just didn't work for me: too many characters, introduced too fast, some really stilted "high fantasy" type language, and a confused and muddled situation all add up to an opening that needs a lot of work.-JSW
Followed the guidelines along the edges, e.g. I assume the characters in conflict are Fliss and the stranger? I rather liked this, but I’m partial to YA fantasy, which this feels like. (OTOH, if it’s going to turn into steampunk erotica, this opening fails miserably [lol]). Good sense of setting, but lots of names, IMO. Maybe we don’t need to know about Corporal Marrick at this point; Captain Gruin can hurry without him. Master Tink seems necessary, however [shrug]. I like the sisterly interaction (I assume they’re sisters or equivalent) - “dog-face” (bg). - Not an unusual opening for a YA coming-of-age story - but YA novels often start the same - it’s where you go with it that makes the difference. I think Fliss and Mags have potential to carry a tale - and the stranger is intriguing. I’d read on - Admin.
Writing seemed awkward, a bit superficial. Lots of potential. Make these people real to us! The guidelines said TWO characters. I count: visitor, Fliss, Corporal Marrick, Captain Gruin, her father, Mags. -NG
"The play stinks, you know." LITTLE DOG LAUGHED - Terry Martin
She turned, glaring. "In your opinion. It's gotten good reviews."
"That only proves the critics are idiots." Jeremy reached for the newspaper, settled deeper into the couch cushions and planted his feet firmly on the coffee table. "They live in a creative vacuum. Not a whisper of reality ever reaches them."
"My play is brilliant. Everyone says so." Sharaya pushed the button on the espresso maker, her hand shaking.
"Get real. You swiped the title and the concept from an obscure Agatha Christie novel. The whole idea is so pathetically 1930s it makes me want to puke. Derivative, sister dear. Not an original thought in the whole boring two hours. I'll take a latte, since you're up."
"Get your own," she snarled. She took her cup to the table in the tiny dining alcove. The doorbell rang. She ignored it. It rang again; with a sigh, Jeremy dragged himself off the couch and ambled to the door as the bell rang a third time.
"Yeah, yeah. Keep your shirt on," he said, yanking the door open.
Then his head blew up.
§
"Little Dog Laughed" is a definite bait and switch. But I'm a sucker for gore, so I'd read on. 3rd place -MPFirst place. Good pacing, good dialogue. The conflict is established early on, with his bluntly negative assessment of her play. The bit about him wanting her to bring him a latte, and her refusing, was pure brother-sister dynamics.
I'd definitely keep reading to find out who blew her brother away, and why. - Dri Well, I guess having a character’s head blow up will get us to turn the page, but it better turn out to be a satisfying plot development and not a childish trick or this reader is history. Third Place. WA
Why did Sharaya ignore the doorbell? There was no reason given for this apparently life-saving decision. This immature main character doesn't draw me in, and the lack of any speculative element means I likely wouldn't read on. - SA
I like how the relationship of the characters is set up, there’s a juicy amount of conflict. Even though it ends with a violent sounding sentence, maybe it means something else - maybe his head blew up like a balloon. Maybe his head blew up to the ceiling and his body followed it. Anyway, I’d continue reading, at least for another paragraph. Though if it were to go into something violent, I would probably stop. 1st place - CL
Unattributed opening dialogue isn't a crime but it's fairly pointless since I have no idea who's talking about what. Jeremy and Sharaya don't exactly sound like brother and sister, in fact they sound as if they're from different continents. Didn't like the closing line, it's too narrator-ish, what does Sharaya see and hear? THIRD for the exploding head, always a crowd-puller. -dp
This appeared to have some promise, striking a decent balance between the dialog and the action, and suggesting some fairly strong conflict to come. The last line really hurts it, though -- not so much because it's violent, but because it doesn't make any sense. 3rd - JSW
Unattributed opening quotes annoy me, ‘cause they mean little without a sense of the speaker - However, you manage to impart a good deal of info in the quote (uncensored opinion, relationship of the characters) and move right into a deft bit of verbal interplay that communicates tone and relationship so well (with a good dose of bitchy humor [g]), I completely forget the transgression of the first line [bg]. However - This clever opening scene seems to have no connection to Jeremy’s exploding head. (which yes, because of the phrase “blew up” momentarily made me think of a helium balloon at a birthday party). I like an element of surprise, but I’d also like the conflict between the siblings to carry the seeds of the violence that takes Jeremy. Re-reading, I wondered if Sharaya’s shaking hand indicated a knowledge of what was to come, which is why she ignored the doorbell? If so, I suggest a bit more emphasis; a clearer sense of impending doom isn’t going to spoil the surprise. Having said all this - I’d read on. These are quick fixes, IMO. - Admin.
No comment. I know what I think and have already told myself my entire opinion. -NG
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2005 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
