November 2004 Best Openings Contest Results
Without further ado, here be the results of the November Best Openings Contest!
FIRST PLACE - Susan Wing for STEALING THE EVENING STAR
SECOND PLACE - Sophia Ahmed for PASSENGERS
THIRD PLACE - Bill Allan for TERROR ON TRYCHO SIXBut wait! This isn't just about winning! Working to improve the appeal and impact of your story openings is what counts. When you look at things from this crazy viewpoint, everyone who entered is a winner! And thus, thanks to everyone who took part, and to those who didn't have time to enter but voted and supplied comments, much appreciated.
1st 2nd 3rd Vot Tot Stealing the Evening Star - Susan 4 1 15 Passengers - Sophia 2 2 1 11 Terror on Trycho Six - Bill 2 1 1 8 Ooops - Sid 1 2 1 7 Ship of Sorrows - Dee-Ann 2 1 5 no entry - Andy 1 3 no entry - Lynn 1 3 no entry - Josh 1 3 no entry - Ted 1 3 Night Watch - anonymous 1 3 2 xAs you can see I've abandoned the "action" bonus point thing, which proved as unpopular as the September BOC's "romance" bonus theme!Forget that "anonymous" fellow at the bottom, he isn't allowed to score, and his sweaty desperation to write something as sad compensation for missing out on last month's NaNoWriMo is his problem, the pathetic fool.
Again I offer humble apologies to Josh who submitted an entry, but due to circumstances and an uncooperative email account was thwarted. I don't know if any of you have ever been thwarted before but removing the prongs is extremely painful and full use of both buttocks may never be regained!
Index Ship of Sorrows - Dee-Ann Latona
Stealing the Evening Star - Susan Wing
Passengers - Sophia Ahmed
Terror on Trycho Six - Bill Allan
Ooops - Sid Gittler
Night Watch - anonymous
Ship of Sorrows - Dee-Ann Latona
Even with her eyes clenched against the stinging sand, Selam knew the way. Grit mortared her mouth and lids nearly shut, and worried its way through her robes into her every nook and cranny. Yet, when the temple's dark shape loomed ahead, Selam turned, squinting back into the raging sands.
She could return to her tent's thick hide walls and pretend that the vision had never occurred. Or, once there, she could pick it apart, seeking the real message hidden within.
Selam turned to retreat, but the image of pitch-dark eyes brimming with disappointment forced her back toward her original goal. With tentative shuffles, she pressed forward until her toes tapped against the first temple step. Her hands shook as she clenched them beneath her robes and began the climb that—as much as she wished to doubt the clarity of her vision—must lead to her death.
§ I was a little distracted trying to work out how to pronounce the MC's name. "her every nook and cranny" made me laugh, especially at the thought of the very weird style of walking, and then of climbing steps, that that implies. Okay entry, not very exciting. I'd read on to see if she's entering the Temple of Doom. - SA
Didn’t really grab me and I’m not sure I like the idea I now know she will die -Andy
Nothing much wrong with this opening, which is why it got a vote from me. Good effort to use expressive verbs, but "mortared" and "worried" in the same sentence felt like a Bit Much. I didn't get much feel for the MC, who seemed to be moving like a zombie in response to a command. Also, visions and prophecies seem a bit tired as fantasy components, IMO. But otherwise a clean opening. 3rd place. - SEW
Strikes me as a tad melodramatic. "...every nook and cranny" is too clichéd for an opening graf. Still, I can't find anything specifically wrong with it, so it makes first pass. (Hard to do much with setting in a measly 150 words. <S>) Finishes 2nd. —Josh
Good descriptions. Picky stuff - She could return to her tent's thick hide walls and pretend that>unnecessary! the vision had never occurred. Her hands shook as she clenched them beneath her robes and began the climb that—as much as she wished to doubt the clarity of her vision—must lead to her death. Little too dramatic at this early point in time. LF
I'd drop the "every nook and cranny." It's a cliche, and worse, it made me think of English muffins. "Selam turned to retreat"—I believe she'd already turned. Why not "Selam almost retreated"? Second. WA
>>Yet, when the temple's dark shape loomed ahead<<
Eye's clenched, but she sees the temple? Must be more of those visions occuring.
Neat scene setting, nice slide into presenting her mission as the result of a vision.
Once she gets near the steps though, she shuffles up to them... not able to see...
Maybe a little inconsistent there... -TedCould be something, but I'm not sure what yet! -dp
Stealing the Evening Star - Susan Wing
At the end of the alley behind the Devil Moon, the watchman called midnight. Jilyan paced, and blew on her hands to warm them. She waited for the service door to clang open, then slipped into the shadow of the trash dumpster.
She heard them first, the guard's urgent baritone coaxing, probably begging by this time, and his companion's Darkon laugh. Cats in heat, thought Jilyan. Almost too easy.
As they came into view, the woman's long white hair caught the glow of a broken street lamp. The guard wasted no time. One hand to his belt and another to the hem of the woman's robe, he backed her into the rough brick of the alley wall.
Jilyan willed herself to ignore the scent of Darkon arousal. Patience, patience.
"Have you the time, masters?"
Brand, you fool! Jilyan swore silently, and resisted the urge to kick the metal dumpster.
§ I wasn't sure whether Jilyan and "the woman" were one and the same. I'm assuming Brand is a name, and not an instruction, or a swear word. Some potential minor confusion in that line, as, "Brand, you fool!" isn't an oath, but the, "Jilyan swore silently" straight after it suggests the author might want it to be in this story. Anyway, trivialities aside, I found this opening unappealing, and so wouldn't read on. - SA
Ok, I really liked this one, although the mental picture you had created was jarred a bit by “metal dumpster” – I was kind of thinking pre modern era till then. First -Andy
Mine. In the throes of nanowrimo this month, so I couldn't get it together to create a new BOC. Lifted this from beginning of my nano novel so it is inevitably (a) unedited, (b) written in haste, and (c) wildly different than the opening the story would get now, thousands of words later. Ah, well.—SEW
As an observer trapped in the POVC's head, I should have a very clear picture of what's going on here. Sadly, I don't. I suspect something crucial to my understanding was left out in order to squeeze this into the word limit. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
Excellent tone. Well, except for this stilted piece of dialogue—"Have you the time, masters?" First LF
Certainly starts in the middle of things, and all of the characters are acting—both commendable elements in an action piece. Still, I think the reader could be offered a scrap of info as to Jilyan's mission here. First. WA
I already want to know what a Darkon might be, who Brand is and why he's messing up Jilyan's plan... whatever it might be... and what did Jilyan have planned anyway??? Something interesting is certainly coming next! -Ted
I wasn't sure whether the POVC is the white-haired woman, and if she willingly allows herself to be molested by the horny guard as an unusual way of getting to her goal. I wanted to be interested but setup seemed rushed and didn't paint a clear enough picture for me. -dp
Passengers - Sophia Ahmed
In the heart of the white dwarf, a creature—still and large and centuries older than the world the humans had built around its home—woke up. Its skin blazed as a billion cells across its surface absorbed perfectly the heat from the carbon and oxygen gas that swirled around it, and with deep joy at maturing at last, the creature turned on its great back and stretched its limbs extravagantly, unrolling powerful fins like sails that shone as energy sped along the vein-work right to the tips. And then, just as it was about to extend its cramped body and launch itself exultantly into the cool gulfs of space, it found that between it and its goal there was a barrier.
§ This paragraph makes up the prologue to the story, rather than the opening proper, but it would be the first thing an editor reads, so here it is. - SA
Not quite sure what to think here – I’m interested but not really sucked in. -Andy
I enjoy the writer's used of long, well-measured sentences in this opening. Great first sentence, opening with "In the heart of the white dwarf" (okay, you have my attention) and end with "woke up" (yes!) Excellent word choice that doesn't call attention to itself, e.g. blazed, absorbed perfectly, stretched...extravagantly. Excellent combination of exposition/background and unfolding action. Smooth writing and unusual MC make this work, IMO, even though space-oriented SF is a hard sell for me. 1st place - SEW
Interesting opening. Held my attention, despite the fact I had/have no idea where it's headed. <S> Well done. I'm giving it a first. —Josh
Passive. Too much description. Although they are very good descriptions. LF
Well, we've got a character, in context, with a problem, and the writing isn't bad. But the omniscient 3rd POV and completely alien character will probably keep the reader at maximum emotional distance, and I don't know if intellectual curiosity alone can sustain reader interest for very long. Perhaps the narrative will become more intimate before too much longer. Third. WA
I really liked the location in the heart of a star... and the description of the critter was excellent. I really want to know what comes next!<g> -Ted
Nice, but the alien-in-a-star thing has been done before, in many forms, by E.E. "Doc" Smith, Frank Herbert, H.P. Lovecraft and others. Heck, I've written one too, so it much be a cliché! What attracted me most was the world the humans had built around its home. I yearned for the human POV, as they discover whatever lurks within the star instead of author telegraphing the punch. -dp
Terror on Trycho Six - Bill Allan
Michael Sand realized with a stab of adrenaline that the alien had sensed their presence.
Nothing for it now.
"Run, dammit!" His yell sent Peg racing for the rocky hillside and the camouflaged hatch that concealed the entrance to base camp, while Sand spun around and opened fire with the assault rifle.
Explosive rounds ploughed into the rugged terrain fifty yards to his rear, throwing debris high into Trycho’s red-tinged atmosphere.
He could still feel the creature’s rage, which meant he hadn’t gotten lucky. And he probably wouldn’t get another chance, because it was moving incredibly fast now. He could just make it out, snaking toward them through a crimson dust cloud, only seconds away.
He took off after Peg. She was within five yards of the hillside, the lithe muscles of her athletic figure straining beneath the Kevskin body suit.
But, dear God, Kruger hadn’t opened the hatch yet.
§ Good pulp-sounding title, suits the opening and both together promise adventure. I didn't like the, "Run, dammit!", because it made me think that Peg was rather stupid and for some reason had been insisting on standing there up until now, despite there being an obvious danger nearby, thus causing Sand to have to stop to fire when he could have been running. I'd have liked something other than "base camp", which doesn't tell me anything about why they are there. I would read on. SECOND. - SA
Title turned me off immediately, but then the story grabbed my attention- yep, want to know more Second -Andy
I know the BOC titles are often filler, but with this title, I was expecting a pulp romp, so I had a difficult time taking the opening seriously. I'm still not sure; call me crazy, but if I were running for my life, I probably wouldn't give a crap about my colleague's lithe muscles and "athletic figure straining beneath the Kevskin body suit." This had potential as a good action scene, but the pacing (too many long sentences, too many words/sentences that don't contribute, e.g. "Nothing for it now.") And the MC's observation that Kruger hasn't opened the hatch seems almost laid-back, with none of the urgency one would assume here. Situation with potential, but execution falls short, IMO. - SEW.
Damn that rascal, Kruger! Once again, he's failed to anticipate when an associate runs afoul of the local fauna. Perhaps if the lithe-muscled Peg had called or radioed ahead.... Ah, but we'll never know. Still, I cannot in good conscience vote for an incompetent POVC who's incapable of accepting responsibility. Sorry. —Josh
Good action! good descriptions! Last two sentences—well, Ho hum! LF
Mine. WA
Creature and weapons don't necessarly go together in my mind... the explosive rounds imply a weapons building culture and some sort of tools using intelligence...
OTOH, the psychic "feel the creature's rage" seems to bode well for the rest of the tale. -TedI swooned with overexcitement, this is my kind of fiction. Which may or may not be a good thing. -dp
Ooops - Sid Gittler
"I yelled 'Fire in the hole,' and pushed the button. Detonation was instantaneous with massive destruction."
"Lieutenant Piell, it was your own ship and men who were destroyed," Admiral Fernandez said.
I lowered my head in shame and remorse. I knew my career was over and my next words meant the difference between life and death. Mine.
Halfway though the Spring War Games they'd stopped being games, at least in our sector. The Nautilus-4 was patrolling south of the Florida Keys.
At 0200 local time on May 20th, Cuba's Independence Day, we were fired on by a Cuban sub. The torpedo skimmed over us and the shock waves disrupted our communications. We dove but the second hit the top of the bow, right by the tubes. Captain Stoltz ordered the tubes loaded and provided the firing solution.
"I swear to God the green light was on for that tube."
§ This opening was a little confusing, and I found myself trying to rearrange the paragraphs into a different order that might read better (to me). This seems to be dealing with a past problem, and not the main problem of the story, so I'd read on to find out what that main problem is. "Worst. Title. Ever!" THIRD. - SA
Too much information too soon -Andy
Okay, this is a pet peeve, so please, dear writer, don't take it personally, but: I Have No Use for quotes used to open stories. There probably are exceptions, but most of the time it seems like a huge waste. The content is meaningless without the context. Please, if you're going to fling around a sentence like "Detonation was instantaneous with massive destructive," I shouldn't have to wait until the end of the entry to find out what's going on/who's talking, and why. Just my thing; other folks may love it. Also, you have some interesting back story in this opening; I'm wondering why you chose to begin at this point, rather than backing up and giving us the disaster in the present tense, usually more powerful? (Also, and this is a very tiny point, but it hit me first off—am I supposed to read something special into the extra "o" in the title, which is pretty goofy as it is. Lives lost and it's an "Ooops"?!). (bg)- SEW
Title appears to sport an extraneous "o." Based on this quaint spelling, I assumed the related opening would be light-hearted. Braaaap! Wrong again. So, our hero fired a torpedo before the outer hatch was opened? I'm stunned there's not some sort of fail-safe mechanism to prevent this, especially on an American ship. Unless—<gasp!> this isn't the America I know and love! I'd read on to find out, but au has earned my suspicion. (It also earns a 3rd place vote.) —Josh
Good tone. Covered enough information. It was nice have a guest appearance,too. LOL. Second LF
Title is misleading, telegraphing a humorous piece when the opening is dead serious. Otherwise, my only complaint is that the real action here—the ship sinking—is all in the story's past. WA
The military is never harder on the enemy than they are on their own. It's a good start with a nice hook in the term "Fire in the hole"
It would get me to keep reading further -TedI'm going to take a wild gamble here and bet that this court martial scene is a hundred times less exciting than the actual incident would have been if we'd seen it "live." -dp
Night Watch - anonymous
Herby's spirits lifted as the measured footsteps of the watch captain came ever closer. The captain, an unpleasant fellow named Sprag, was on his way to ring three bells and signal the watch change. Pikeman Second Class Herby Grenzel would soon be off to the guard room for a cup of hot brandy to chase away the early morning chill. He could taste it already.
Sprag climbed into view. At least Herby thought it must be him. But Sprag was tall and thin, and didn't have a limp and a scarred face. Herby swallowed hard, lowered his pike and said, "Halt, who goes?"
The stranger drew twin swords and ran at Herby, who spun his pike so the flat of the axeblade struck the man's head. The stranger collapsed like a sack of turnips. Herby kicked the swords away—then noted the green mist that escaped the stranger's mouth and nostrils.
§ I'd read on. Possibly inevitably, as I'm a fan of Terry Pratchett's Discworld, it makes me think of his Night Watch characters, and so I am sympathetic towards these characters already. The green mist hook is intriguing, so I like this opening for its own sake, too. FIRST. - SA
Ooh, interesting. A few too many names too soon but it definitely caught my attention. Third -Andy
There wasn't much that stood out about this opening, but the writing was clean and covered character, setting, and conflict without once tossing me out of the story. The element which earned this opening a vote from me was the MC. You managed to tell me a great deal about Herby in very few words: his name itself, his reference to the captain as "unpleasant," he anticipation of the simple pleasure of hot brandy, the observations he makes to conclude that the newcomer isn't Sprag, his swallowing before challenging, his striking with the flat of his axeblade, his use of the metaphor "like a sack of turnips." I like Herby and want to find out what happens to him. - 2nd place - SEW.
Ah ha! BEM meets medieval pikeman with humorous, contemporary nickname; a classic encounter to be sure. One is tempted to ponder how completely ineffectual the alien is when it comes to his/her own defense, but then this is most likely intended as a script treatment for a remake of Abbot and Costello meet the Man from Mars, or somesuch. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
Got a good feel for the POVC. Nice terse descriptions. The hook wasn't too overbearing, either. Third LF
It didn't ring true that Herbie thought the intruder was his watch captain, even while this guy was climbing into view. And how does a fellow with a limp walk with measured footsteps? WA
I stumbled over the idea of a "watch" ending at either 1:30 or 5:30... but once I was comfortable with that the pike against swords was a nice touch...
Watch bells used on ship are rung to the half hour starting at midnight, four in the morning, eight, 12 noon, and four and eight PM... a watch being 4 hours on duty eight bells is the end, rung in four repetitions of two bells (ding, ding - ding, ding - ding, ding - ding, ding) A "dogwatch" breaks up the evening watch into two two hour periods so that the watch crews can get dinner. Funny thing about it is that this is the SECOND time today that's come up<g>
Once I got over the watch schedule... the pike against double swords was a nice touch...
Wacking him before he even came into combat range was a touch that an experienced warrior might well use<G>
Dispatching his opponent without killing him reflects pretty well trained and practiced pike handling. Makes me think that "Pikeman Second Class Herby Grenzel" might of acquired his rank in an interesting manner...
The green mist begs for more! -TedShockingly poor. Author hasn't made setting clear—quasi-medieval, one assumes?—and it's clearly impossible to convey that the possessed stranger is trying his best to stop the otherworldy entity from controlling him, hence the last-moment limp as he's driven to attract the guard. This reads more like a cry for help than a story opening. -dp
QUARTERLY RESULTS
If Bill isn't quaking in his boot right now, I'll be very surprised!
And thus, here are the QUARTERLY RESULTS for September-October-November 2004:
Sep Oct Nov Total Bill 9 19 8 36 Susan 8 6 15 29 Sophia 9 8 11 28 Josh 11 8 3 22 Sara 11 9 0 20 Dee-Ann 6 9 5 20 Sid 0 3 7 10 Andy 0 0 3 3 Lynn 0 0 3 3 Ted 0 0 3 3HEY BILL, GUESS WHAT?