March 2004 Best Openings Contest Results
Dear Friends —
This was a tough BOC -- and the comments are as varied as ever. One observation -- Although "Honorable Mention" is not an official designation, it was bestowed more frequently than usual this month. (Don't know what that means -- maybe one of you has an idea about it? ).
I have no idea whether this was a useful or instructive assignment for y'all
, but I like to mix up the guidelines to keep us (including me, of course) on our toes. A big hurrah for critique participation -- It's not every month that _all_ participants also vote and comment. Good work (and thanks to Sophia for comments, even though she didn't enter this month
). Also -- Jeff offered some overall thoughts in response to this month's entries. I figured they might spark some interesting discussion, so I'll be posting it under a new thread in Section 19: "BOC general comments."
(It will be up a bit later, when I post everyone's comments; running a little slow this morning
). So without further ado--
(What!? No pom-poms? No brass band? No self-consciously clever intro?)
No. Sorry. I had gum surgery yesterday, and I'm cranky. Down and dirty, here are the results. Deal with it.
First place for the March BOC goes to"
Bill Allan for "100 Darkfall Place"
<Yayyyyyy!>Maintaining his hefty quarterly lead (uh-oh) with a solid second place is:
Derek Paterson for "The 8th Warrior"
<Woo-woo-woo-woo!>And charging back after a long dry spell to take third place (_despite_ the fact that she didn't have a numeral in her story title
) is: BJ Galler-Smith for "Night Journey"
<Yee-hawwww!>Here are the totals:
RESULTS OF MARCH 2004 BOC ---
TOTAL_1ST_2ND_3RD_VOTED_WRITER___________STORY _25____15___6___1_____3_Bill Allan_______100 Darkfall Way _15_____6___4___2_____3_Derek Paterson___The 8th Warrior _12_____3___4___2_____3_BJ Galler-Smith__Night Journey __9_________4___2_____3_Lisa Mantchev____Four Lies and a Truth __8_____3_______2_____3_Jeff Corkern_____Police Action __8_____3_______2_____3_Sara Walker Howe_Mantic Art __8_____3___2_________3_Wayne Sowry______The Penbarrow Debacle __5_________2_________3_Josh Langston____Face of an Angel __3___________________3_Sid Gittler______Jonny: Lost Boy Scout __3___________________3_Kathi Schwengel__Disarray __3___________________3_Sophia Ahmed_____(voted only)As I mentioned, there were an unusual number of "honorable mentions" noted this month: for "Police Action," "Disarray" (twice), "The 8th Warrior," "Face of an Angel," and "Mantic Art."And just so you don't think I'd give you a an assignment I won't lay on myself
, here's my response to the March guidelines -- (And BTW -- Comments are Entirely Optional, but this came from nowhere as I was tallying the votes, and I sorta like the MC, so if you think it shows _any_ promise, I'd love to know. Thanks.)
Copyright © 2004 Susan E. Wing
All rights reserved
Keegan hated to bail out on a juicy story, but saving his skin trumped hard-hitting journalism hands down. He kept to the shadows until the centurions moved on, then flicked open his com wand and aimed at the track. INFORMED SOURCES
A faint blue curtain materialized directly in front of the Consul's box, the time channel billowing out behind it. Screaming like a maniac, Keegan charged through the crowd into the blinding sunlight. and breached the time channel full tilt.
The lead chariots fell back screeching in the afterblast of Keegan's entry, then regrouped and thundered into the channel as he rounded the far end. Hoofbeats pounded against the rhythm of his heart as the horses bore down on him. Apparently oblivious to the shimmering waves slapping the sides of the grandstand, the crowd caught the scent of cornered prey, rose to its feet, and shook the Circus Maximus with cheers.
Index POLICE ACTION
JONNY: LOST BOY SCOUT
DISARRAY
THE PENBARROW DEBACLE
100 DARKFALL WAY
NIGHT JOURNEY
THE 8TH WARRIOR
FACE OF AN ANGEL
MANTIC ART
FOUR LIES AND THE TRUTH
We started taking fire the second we cleared the Herk. POLICE ACTION
Tracers reached up from the Rwandan jungle only five hundred meters below, delicate phosphorous-red filigrees of death weaving through my descending platoon, reaching for the parachutes streaming like kite-tails above us as if trying to stitch them together. I rotated forward to fall head-first like a spear through the sticky Rwandan night air at maximum speed, watching the jungle, picked out in stark monocolor in my night-vision goggles, come rushing up at me like a sickly green hammer. The Fast-Descent At Low-Altitude myocollagen parachute system, designed for just such insertions, saved our asses from getting shot by the death-squad militia or skewered like a kebab on a treetop, Semtex micro-charges blowing at exactly the correct millisecond to pop our chutes and jerk us up short bare meters from the canopy.
"Forty-seven tangos targeted, Lieutenant," said the platoon AI. "Initiating tracking."COMMENTS
Police Action: There were a lot of long sentences in this opening that greatly slowed the pace of what should have been a very tense opening. I didn't pick up on any sense of danger because of this, and I don't think I would read on much longer, sorry. - SA
Police Action -- Pretty fast-paced stuff. (If only my own had half this much setting!) I enjoyed it. Consider using monochrome instead of monocolor, and watch the subject/verb agreement in the sentence about the parachute system saving asses (plural) from being "skewered like a kebob" (singular). These nits aside, I’d certainly read on. Makes first pass. Finishes with an honorable mention. -Josh
Police Action: First paragraph too much and too confusing. Could have eliminated some of the description and stuck with the action. Sid G.
The first couple of sentences of the second paragraph are a bit long and convoluted. I think they'd be better broken into more manageable pieces. The next bit then goes into too much technical detail about the parachutes, unnecessary so early in the story and slowing it down. – WJS
POLICE ACTION --I don't do military fiction, and this one lost me immediately with all the techie stuff. However, I liked the last line by a combat AI, even if I did't know what a "tango" is. Sorry--too much work to follow because I don't know the lingo. (BJ)
Sorry. Didn't grab me. Sentences are overly-long. Scene is heavy on description. Some good tension, though. But I don't have a grasp on the main character. SWH
Reads well as an SF military romp -- plenty of jargon and sense of danger, and an AI to boot -- but lacks soul, as is common with the genre. However it tries hard to thrill so let's give it a vote. THIRD. -dp
Although I _loved_ the sound of " phosphorous-red filigrees of death," this opening was descriptive-heavy and therefore hard to get into. Might be easier to read broken up with straightforward action and dialogue. - LM
Loved the imagery. Not sure that the first sentence (paragraph) needs to be off by itself like that. "The Fast-Descent at Low-Altitude myocollagen parachute system" almost got this entry dumped, however. It's bulky, wordy, techy, and totally broke the flow. Solid writing in the rest of the exerpt saved it. First place vote. KS
Mine. Dreck. Insufficient emotion.Jeff
POLICE ACTION: Some nice images, though I had to read through that densely-packed 2nd graph about three times to absorb them all. Third Place. WA
Vivid images, but often too rapid-fire for my slow brain.
First and last graf were great, but suggest you break up the middle one, so the reader can digest the technical and alien terms in smaller morsels. As a film montage, this would work beautifully -- but in writing, I need to be more solidly anchored into the opening of a story. Certainly high-energy. -- Admin.
Jonny stretched his legs out as far as he could and looked out the open side of the transport as he and the rest of his Cottman Scout troop flew back to Base Camp and the landing zone from where they'd fly back to their home planet of Cottman IV. JONNY: LOST BOY SCOUT
Once safely turned away from the others he let himself smile.
Two weeks earlier he, nineteen other scouts and three scout leaders arrived on Arcarran to test for their survival merit badge. After spending the first three days at Base Camp getting used to the slightly different atmosphere and lighting while learning what waited for them if they ventured outside the secured perimeter. Those lessons scared and still scared Jonny as he looked over that dangerous landscape.COMMENTS
Jonny: Some interesting ideas but the bad grammar puts me off reading on. The last sentence is 'telling' rather than 'showing', and doesn't suggest much of what is to come. - SA
Jonny: Lost Boy Scout – With all due respect to our own Jon, the spelling of "Jonny" herein feels odd. Probably just me. Opening sentence suffers from a bit of redundancy. I’d lose "out" after "stretched his legs." Ditto for the first use of "Cottman." I’d also look for an alternative to either "fly back" or "flew back." Graf two is missing a comma after "others." Graf three features one of the longest sentence fragments I’ve ever seen. (It begins "After spending...") The final sentence is just and still just, awkward. Sorry. No vote. --Josh
Jonny - Lost Boy Scout :-) Mine. Sid G.
I think the first sentence is too long and complicated, and there's an echo on the word "out". I'd suggest breaking it after the word "transport" and turning the rest into a second sentence. And the final paragraph is a background info dump. Overall there's no conflict, the only suggestion of it being with what happened prior to the start of the story. – WJS
JONNY: LOST BOY SCOUT -- Sorry, it just didn't grab me. So much information in the first sentence, I had to work to follow it. (BJ)
Sorry. Didn't grab me. I think there may be a story coming, but I'm not pulled to it. Tension thread is weak, since we know up-front that Jonny survives the survival weekend. Also, I find there's too much backstory for me. I'd like to see more action. SWH
Show, don't tell. (I tried to think of a better way to say this, but couldn't.) -dp
This opening scooted right along for me until it dropped into backstory. Granted, it's information about the present mission, but I'd prefer to get the information in the forward motion of the piece, rather than looking back. - LM
Just doesn't do it for me. Not enough here to pull me in. Second sentence, third paragraph starting with "After spending the first three days..." um... then what? It's a fragment or something hanging. KS
Jonny stretched his legs out as far as he could and looked out the open side of the transport (What's a transport?) as he and the rest of his Cottman Scout troop flew back to Base Camp and the landing zone from where they'd fly back to their home planet of Cottman IV. (Too long. Shorten for more punch.)
Once safely (Why is he scared of them seeing him?) turned away from the others he let himself smile.
After spending the first three days at Base Camp getting used to the slightly different atmosphere and lighting while learning what waited for them if they ventured outside the secured perimeter. Those lessons scared and still scared Jonny as he looked over that dangerous landscape. (The "lessons" seem to be the most dramatic element. I suggest you start with these.) - JeffCouple problems here. First, it reads like a rough draft. The repeated word "back" in the first sentence jars. And the next to last sentence is not really a sentence, but a subordinate clause. _After_ spending the first few days--what happens? Second, I perceive a logic problem between the final statement that the POVC is scared and a previous remark that he's allowing himself a secret smile. If this character smiles when he's scared, auth must be clear about that, otherwise it seems ambiguous. WA
The title suggests a conflict that isn't delivered in the opening. I really wanted to feel Jonny's panic (or not) at being lost, so the back story in the last graf was disappointing. Suggest you stop the first sentence after "Base Camp" (the rest is superfluous). The second graf is intriguing. The third graf is back story, and should be postponed -- best to work up to the conflict in the present tense, IMO. - Admin.
“I just can’t find it,” Jason said, sifting through the papers skewed across his desk. A scattering of them fluttered to the floor. DISARRAY
“We can consider ourselves dead without it,” Lewis said, stooping to gather the fallen papers and shuffling them into order, scanning their contents as he did so. “Unless we prove Stoddard wrong we take the fall.”
Jason frowned and refused to look Lewis in the eyes when the other man stood and handed him the papers.
“Maybe you have a problem understanding.” Lewis leaned in close, his mouth next to Jason’s ear. “D-E-A-D. Do those letters appeal to you? All your work with antimatter, all my money, blink! Gone. What will it matter then?”
Jason took a step away to put space between him and Lewis. “I know I have it here.”
“Not any more.” The statement came from the old man standing suddenly in the doorway.COMMENTS
Disarray: 'appeal' seemed a strange word to use, and threw me out of the opening. Okay writing, but not an especially interesting start, sorry. - SA
Disarray -- Despite the reference to "D-E-A-D," I never got a particular feeling of urgency, possibly owing to long sentences. Consider pruning visuals like loose papers fluttering to the floor and substitute something more visceral, like the taste of perspiration on the POVC's upper lip. YMMV, of course.
Sorry, no vote. --Josh Disarray: Honorable Mention. Very good. Some of the phrases threw me though, especially Lewis's. Unless you meant him to talk like that. Sid G.
Overall not bad, but the introduction to Jason and Lewis seems a bit blunt, with the first two sentences sounding more like the middle of a story than an opening. Also, I think drop the "just" from the opening sentence, and change the last one from "old man standing suddenly in the doorway" to "old man now standing in the doorway". It sounds as if he'd stood suddenly, perhaps from a sitting position, rather than just appearing suddenly in the doorway. A close contender for a place but doesn't quite make it. – WJS
DISARRAY -- Dead as in not-alive, or euphemistically as in ruined? At first I thought yay! something's going to get them, and then--let down. The beginning was also a bit of "As you know, Bob" telling rather than showing their agitation. Sorry. (BJ)
Hmmm. I might want to read on. The tension doesn't feel high enough. When the office boys say "dead", I figure they say that every time they're behind schedule, and I figure they're exaggerating. I'd like to see more from this threat. I might read on to see where this goes. SWH
A jumble of confused conversation between a couple of characters I didn't know. I read it a second time but didn't feel any less confused or any more interested. Maybe it begins too far into the story, and needs more introduction? -dp
Good dialogue and action. Jumped straight into the conflict of the story without getting bogged down in unnecessaries. - LM
Mine. KS
"I just can?t find it," Jason said, sifting through the papers skewed across his desk. A scattering of them fluttered to the floor. (Replace the word "it" with whatever it is he's searching for, and this would be a pretty good opening.)
"We can consider ourselves dead without it," (Howzabout: "We don't find it, were dead!") Lewis said, stooping to gather the fallen papers and shuffling them into order, scanning their contents as he did so. "Unless we prove Stoddard wrong we take the fall." (The MDE---Most Dramatic Element---has appeared. Somebody's on trial. We need to know who and what for.)
Jason frowned and refused to look Lewis in the eyes when the other man stood and handed him the papers.
"Maybe you have a problem understanding." Lewis leaned in close, his mouth next to Jason?s ear. "D-E-A-D. Do those letters appeal to you? (Why is this important?) All your work with antimatter, all my money, blink! _Gone._ What will it matter then?"
Jason took a step away to put space between him and Lewis. "I know I have it here."
"Not any more." The statement came from the old man standing suddenly in the doorway. - JeffI couldn't get too worked up about this messy-desk scenario, even with the somewhat forced life and D-E-A-T-H implications. WA
Much as I appreciate the drama inherent in clutter
, I think maybe you need to move to person-to-person confrontation sooner. Too much shuffling and stage direction, IMO. My interest picks up somewhere around the antimatter -- suggest you add a deeper sense of the setting, and insert more action (or action _about_ to happen) for the characters. And sometimes you can add a sense of action/tension by _eliminating_ description of movement, e.g. drop the dialogue tags -- This will add urgency to the conversation, I think. - Admin.
Penbarrow Manor sat atop a small hillock on the Scobyshire Moors. Home to fifteen generations of Darby-Walfinchs, the four-story building presided over the surrounding landscape, its ivy-covered walls and lead-light windows lending it an aristocratic air with the suggestion of old money. But to Michael Darby-Walfinch III, that suggestion offered cold comfort. THE PENBARROW DEBACLE
"Like Hell," he muttered to himself as he stared at the foreclosure notice. "No proletarian scumbag down in Stroppingsworth can deprive a Darby-Walfinch of centuries of land right. Bollocks to that. One call to Lord Tilbury should put him in his place."
So what if repeated outbreaks of Foot and Mouth, and heavy borrowing, had crippled the estate, this land belonged to his family - always had, always would. His ancestors had held on to it through famine, war, and the Great Depression, and no tiny microbes would see him out the door.COMMENTS
The Penbarrow Debacle: Wasn't sure about this until the mention of tiny microbes, which drew a laugh. Needs a semi-colon or a sentence break after 'crippled the estate'. Only problem was with the MC muttering such a long sentence to himself. FIRST. - SA
The Penbarrow Debacle -- Some readers might have been grinning after "Penbarrow Manor," "Scobyshire Moors," and "Darby- Walfinchs." Alas, I'm not one of 'em; I found them pretentious. The "proletarian scumbag down in Stroppingworth" pushed me entirely over the edge. Sorry. No vote. --Josh
The Penbarrow Debacle: Captures setting and character's mood believably. Sid G.
Mine. Not keen on the last paragraph, but as Derek Fowles always said to Bazil Brush: that's all we've got time for this week! - WJS
THE PENBARROW DEBACLE -- I love the word "debacle". Nicely written at The front end, but faltered at the end. I'd rather see something far more awful than "Hoof &Mouth", especially since BSE nearly ruined meat production in the UK. (BJ)
Sorry. Didn't grab me. I like the character's conviction, but the tension's not high enough. I have trouble relating to the difficulties in inheriting a manor. SWH
I haven't a clue what that last sentence meant -- tiny microbes, what? But there's a sense of archaic silliness in the whole thing that appealed to me. SECOND. -dp
Interesting, if a bit heavy on the names. Good introduction of conflict, nice mixture of description and dialogue. - LM
I know this has nothing to do with the writing but "Scobyshire Moors" immediately made me think of Scooby-Do and that just jerked me right out of the story. The words "tiny microbes" when referring to the Foot & Mouth just don't sound right, even though probably accurate, they lend the peice an SF feel when nothing else points that way. KS
Penbarrow Manor sat atop a small hillock on the Scobyshire Moors. Home to fifteen generations of Darby-Walfinchs, the four-story building presided over the surrounding landscape, its ivy-covered walls and lead-light windows lending it an aristocratic air with the suggestion of old money. But to Michael Darby-Walfinch III, that suggestion offered cold comfort. (This is decent-enough description. But I think it's in the wrong place here.)
"Like Hell," he muttered to himself as he stared at the foreclosure notice. "No proletarian scumbag down in Stroppingsworth can deprive a Darby-Walfinch of centuries of land right. Bollocks to that. One call to Lord Tilbury should put him in his place." (Good emotion here. This would work better in the first para, IMO.)
So what if repeated outbreaks of Foot and Mouth, and heavy borrowing, had crippled the estate, this land belonged to his family - always had, always would. His ancestors had held on to it through famine, war, and the Great Depression, and no tiny microbes would see him out the door. (Good rhythm. Get us hooked, then lay the exposition on us.) - JeffThis lead reads like excellently executed back story, but back story nonetheless. WA
I rather enjoyed the over-the-top British Mystery feel -- an interesting juggling act to combine farce and a sense of foreboding, but worth the effort, I think. The last graf confused me, however. I read "tiny microbes,'" and immediately assumed a speculative thread, and then realized you probably were referring to Foot and Mouth -- which isn't funny, mysterious, or speculative. IOW -- it tossed me out of the story -- clarify that, and this could be engaging -- Admin.
Max crouched behind the dumpster and searched the littered pavement for something to throw, his hand finally closing on a rusted door hinge. Better than nothing. 100 DARKFALL WAY
Sonny Braco held Max's struggling sister against the wall, groping her lanky body.
Enough. Max stepped into the middle of the alley.
"Let her go."
Sonny cast a startled look over his shoulder, then smirked.
"Get lost, runt, unless you wanna meet the snake, too."
"Snake this, belly walker." Max cocked his trembling arm, ready to fire the hinge.
Sonny turned, allowing Jenny to slide down the wall where she knelt on the sidewalk, sobbing.
"Get home, Jen," Max said.
"Yeah, she can go, cause now the snake's got you, runt."
Sonny stepped toward him, his tight smile spreading, and spreading, and Max swallowed hard as the older boy's throat swelled, hood-like, and a spindly jointed tongue licked out of his long thin mouth.COMMENTS
100 Darkfall Way: The 'Enough' was unnecessary I thought, and the line where he steps out into the middle of the alley could be replaced with something a bit more atmospheric and informative. Otherwise, interesting. SECOND. - SA
100 Darkfall Way -- Charming stuff with a great twist. Easily makes first pass and finishes with the blue ribbon. I hope there is (or will be) a story to go with this opening. --Josh
100 Darkfall Way: First. Very well done, though granted my dirty mind pictured a different scenario. I want to see how this plays out. Sid G.
I think there's too much reliance on adjectives in the early part to try and paint the scene. Otherwise not bad, but I'm finding the tendency of entries like this to rely on unusual characters and physical confrontation for conflict isn't particularly compelling without something deeper to support it. Still, manages to stumble over the line into third place. – WJS
100 DARKFALL WAY -- Cool idea--a real snake. Second pass based on nifty idea and excellent dialogue. _Almost_ caught Max but I felt I was watching it from afar, rather than up close to the bone-rattling fear Max must have felt knowing he was about to face a very dangerous being. Second. (BJ)
Good use of tension. Good set up for the story. I'd read on to see where this goes. 1st place. SWH
I liked the writing but felt I'd been dropped into the middle of a story, and the snake-tongue happens too suddenly with no sense of build-up or surprise. -dp
Great set-up of action and conflict. Use of unexpected dialogue pulled me right into the story. First place vote. - LM
This got my second place vote. Very visual. Nice set-up to something to come. Very tense. KS
Max crouched behind the dumpster and searched the littered pavement for something to throw, his hand finally closing on a rusted door hinge. Better than nothing.
Sonny Braco held Max's struggling sister against the wall, groping her lanky body. (Ah, the Most Dramatic Element. Close to the beginning, too, although it would be best AT the beginning. Maybe some dialogue between the two.)
Enough. Max stepped into the middle of the alley.
"Let her go."
Sonny cast a startled look over his shoulder, then smirked.
"Get lost, runt, unless you wanna meet the snake, too."
"Snake this, belly walker." Max cocked his trembling arm, ready to fire the hinge.
Sonny turned, allowing Jenny to slide down the wall where she knelt on the sidewalk, sobbing.
"Get home, Jen," Max said.
"Yeah, she can go, cause now the snake's got you, runt."
Sonny stepped toward him, his tight smile spreading, and spreading, and Max swallowed hard as the older boy's throat swelled, hood-like, and a spindly jointed tongue licked out of his long thin mouth.
(Original.) 1st place vote - Jeff100 DARKFALL WAY: Another monster-in-the-alley-story from that weirdo Allan. WA
Very smooth; I enjoyed this one. Sensual and creepy at the same time -- and nice job bagging the dialogue tags and using snappy sentence fragments to build tension. Definitely worth finishing. - Admin.
Green curtains, iridescent as magpie wings, shimmered in the sky above the lake's surface. Crystalline snow, packed from a dozen freeze-thaw cycles, sparkled in the half-moon light. Suspicious of any soft sound, Tundra wedged her caribou-booted heel into the shallow depression left by the snowshoe hare she trailed. Not that she intended to eat it, but rather to discover the truth in the old tales that a god lived in the Forest of Shadows. NIGHT JOURNEY
In only three paces, an echo of footsteps in the soft snow sent her heart racing. She meant to do the Night Journey alone without help and turned to chastise the cousin who followed her. Instead, she gasped in surprise. A stranger greeted her. The hide of many small winter weasels covered him—their black-tipped tails making it difficult to see him distinctly.
"Straight lines fail in snow country, m'girl," he said. "You need my help."COMMENTS
Night Journey: Interesting setting. I'm confused about what a hare has to do with a god in the Forest. The opening sentences are repetitive in their rhythm. THIRD. - SA
Night Journey -- Lots and lots (and lots!) of setting here. So much, in fact, that it gets in the way of the story. The Northern Lights reference, the multi-layered snow, and the caribou footwear all conjure distinct images, but seem not to have much to do with the POVC's mission of finding a god living in the Forest of Shadows. This lush use of imagery caused me some trouble when I tried to take the phrase "an echo of footprints" literally. I couldn't imagine how the sound from three paces in light snow could generate an echo. (Okay, so I'm an idiot!) There's nothing *wrong* with supplying rich material for setting, but much of what's here could come later, after the reader is pulled into the story via the POVC's needs and wants. Make her more sympathetic; put me solidly in her camp, and I'll gladly help cover her tracks in the snow. For now, no vote. --Josh
Night Journey: First calling her Tundra bugged me given the locale. Second paragraph doesn't sit right but gets idea across. Sid G.
A nice opening description, although I'm not quite sure what the "green curtains" are - clouds perhaps? Also, I can't see how "Suspicious of any soft sound" relates to the clause following it. In the second paragraph, "In only three paces" is unclear. Three paces since when? Three _more_ paces perhaps? "who followed her" - I don't think this is the correct tense, perhaps either "who had followed" or "who was following" (except for the guideline rule
). "The hide..." - should be plural. Overall though I like this, and am interested to find out more about Tundra, the stranger, and this Night Journey to investigate the god of the forest. Second place. - WJS NIGHT JOURNEY -- Not brilliant, but at least I wrote something for the first time in LONG time. Gawd I'm rusty! (BJ)
Tension feels good. I'm intrigued by this god and journey. I wonder who this adventurous girl is. And now I wonder about this stranger. I'd read on to see where this goes. 2nd place. SWH
Mmm, okay you've interested me but my attention wandered for just a moment as every ordinary thing is explained, she took off her pigeon-feathered mittens, he adjusted his beaver-tail beret, etc. No need to choke me with "setting" details so early. Regardless of which, FIRST -dp
Interesting opening, but another entry that relied on a lot of description. Hint at conflict, but no clear set-up. Also, little feeling for our main character that makes it difficult for me to connect. - LM
"Green curtains, iridescent as magpie wings" Can't work this one out. Magpies are black, and I guess I've never thought of their wings as iridescent. Maybe I'm wrong but the image doesn't work for me and it's hard to read past that. Also, something about the rhythm of the writing that I can't put my finger on... KS
(The Northern Lights shimmered like) Green curtains, iridescent as magpie wings, shimmered in the sky above the lake's surface. Crystalline snow, packed from a dozen freeze-thaw cycles, sparkled in the half-moon light. Suspicious of any soft sound, Tundra wedged her caribou-booted heel into the shallow depression left by the snowshoe hare she trailed. Not that she intended to eat it, but rather to discover the truth in the old tales that a god lived in the Forest of Shadows. (I'd start the paragraph with "Tundra." The first sentence is excellent description, but slightly out of place, IMO.)
In only three paces(?), an echo of footsteps in the soft snow sent her heart racing. She meant to do the Night Journey alone without help and turned to chastise the cousin who followed her. Instead, she gasped in surprise. A stranger greeted her. The hide of many small winter weasels covered him--their black-tipped tails making it difficult to see him distinctly.
"Straight lines fail in snow country, m'girl," he said. "You need my help." - 3rd place - JeffThe pretty first sentence was lost on dumb me, because I couldn't figure out what the green curtains in the sky were. Not a bad effort, though. WA
Very evocative setting -- and a nice trick to replace stative with a whole lot of expressive verbs in a scene that isn't high-action. Very lyrical. Love the last line -- bit of a poetic cadence, appropriate to the folk-tale feel of this piece. This scene came alive for me; finish it, please. - Admin.
Thor Gunderund crouched down beside the mountain path and studied the footprints in the freshly fallen snow. The first set wore narrow shoes with a pronounced heel. The even stride and well-spaced steps suggested a young girl with strong legs. She'd paused here where hoof marks suggested a deer might have stood, and stopped there where a rabbit's paws made familiar patterns. By all the ancient gods, a witch who could converse with animals! Thor picked his nose, farted twice and spat over his shoulder to ward off any evil spells she might have left behind. THE 8TH WARRIOR
The sight of the other footprints filled his heart with numbing fear. Larger, broader, and with a shorter stride, they clearly belonged to Dwarfs. Thor hated Dwarfs. He'd lost brothers and friends in the grim, bloody wars twixt Men and Stumpies. Now a troop of them pursued a helpless girl. Or a witch.COMMENTS
The 8th Warrior: The last sentence seemed wrong - he'd already decided she was a witch, hadn't he? The second paragraph was too much 'telling' compared to the more personal style of the first. Would read on a little, maybe. - SA
The 8th Warrior -- Pretty traditional stuff, although my son would be impressed by anyone who could fart twice at will. Still, I'd probably read on. Makes first pass and finishes third. Well done. --Josh
The 8th Warrior: Third. I like Thor and his thought patterns, especially since someone else could make different conclusions leading story down different path. Sid G.
This flows nicely and leaves me wanting to find out more about the girl, Thor, and even the dwarves. My only nits are "crouched down" where just "crouched" would do, and the footprints (rather than the feet) that wore shoes. First place. – WJS
THE 8TH WARRIOR -- Nicely done, and I liked the element of humour. It just grabbed me. First. (BJ)
Honourable Mention. Thor seems a bit rough for my tastes in a main character. Still, his tale could prove entertaining. For that, I'd read on. SWH
Mine. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to war we go! -dp
Lots of descriptive action that included characterization (spitting and farting!) but didn't bury me in adjectives. Unusual and effective tone and cadence to the sentence construction. Second place vote. - LM
Don't know why but I was picturing Thor as a dwarf, last paragraph proved me wrong. I think the name plus the nose-picking and farting... just rather dwarfish in my mind. I liked the first paragraph, solid writing, nice imagery, puts me right there. The second dumped me flat. First because I find out Thor's not a dwarf, second we're led to believe the girl he's following is a witch yet he then refers to her as a helpless girl. I'd read on once that paragraph's re-worked. KS
Thor Gunderund crouched down beside the mountain path and studied the footprints in the freshly fallen snow. The first set wore narrow shoes with a pronounced heel. The even stride and well-spaced steps suggested a young girl with strong legs. She'd paused *here* where hoof marks suggested a deer might have stood, and stopped *there* where a rabbit's paws made familiar patterns. By all the ancient gods, a witch who could converse with animals! Thor picked his nose, farted twice and spat over his shoulder to ward off any evil spells she might have left behind.
The sight of the other footprints filled his heart with numbing fear. Larger, broader, and with a shorter stride, they clearly belonged to Dwarfs. Thor hated Dwarfs. He'd lost brothers and friends in the grim, bloody wars twixt Men and Stumpies. Now a troop of them pursued a helpless girl. Or a witch.
(This is competent enough, but it could be improved with a little re-arrangement. The Most Dramatic Element is the chase. First Sentence: "The signs said a troop of Dwarves were chasing a young girl, a young girl alone.") - 2nd place - JeffAs written, the ritual to ward of evil seems to include the nose-picking and farting, though I suspect auth meant the spitting over the shoulder only. Otherwise, this worked okay. WA
Clear presentation of the scene. Character a little vague until he speculates on the identity of the footprints' owner, farts and spits (Great!) I was a bit confused re whether Stumpies was an official designation or Thor's bigoted title for Dwarfs -- It's more useful if the latter, IMO -- fills in his character, although it makes Dwarfs seem comical rather than dangerous
. Based on a character whose motivations are still unclear (i.e. what is he doing out there?) - I'm not sure how to interpret the ending comments -- i.e. he apparently feels for the girl, but what does he feel about witches? Definitely a story here, with some clarification. (and definitely keep the farting and spitting! ) - Admin.
Detective Jeremy Stark knelt in the snow with his hands covering his face. The massive shoulders of the former all-American linebacker shuddered as he wept. A uniformed lieutenant took a step in his direction but stopped when Stark's partner, Meg Collier, glared at him. Smudged mascara betrayed her own tears, dried now in the hour since the discovery of the dead girl. FACE OF AN ANGEL
"He's gotta move," the officer insisted. "Crime scene."
"Give him a minute."
The cop shook his head. "See enough of this shit and eventually ya get used to it."
Meg grimaced. "Sure."
"Some people can't handle it." He nodded at Stark. "Big don't mean tough. Tell him to move."
"Back off." She patted her sidearm.
The cop blanched. "Look, no offense, but when you've seen one body, you've seen 'em all."
"Oh, really? Try tellin' me that when they zip one of your kids in a body bag."COMMENTS
Face of an Angel: I wasn't sure when reading whether the second sentence referred to the Detective in the first sentence or not, which was distracting. This opening actually left me feeling irritated and annoyed, as if the author was trying to bludgeon me over the head with an obvious 'point'. Okay writing, but definitely wouldn't read on, I'm afraid. - SA
Face of an Angel -- Mine. I've been watching *way* too much "Law and Order" lately. --Josh
Face of an Angel: Second. Procedurally not right but well written with great kicker. Sid G.
The writing itself flows well but that "seen one, seen 'em all" dialog seems rather hackneyed. So far there's little conflict. The detective's daughter has been killed, but there's nothing here to suggest it's anything more than a run-of-the-mill crime like we see every day in the newspapers. And the POV is obscure. It seems to be in Meg's POV, although there's nothing clearly making it so, but the mention of her smudged mascara seems more in the lieutanant's POV. – WJS
FACE OF AN ANGEL -- Got to me a little--Meg the cop was real. I'd need to see some SF/F connection pretty darn quick though, to keep me interested though. Honourable Mention (BJ)
Hmmm. I'm not sure I would read on. My feeling is the story is this is just another cop story. I think I need a stronger hook, ie something out of the ordinary. SWH
Nicely done but other openings this month had far more visible speculative element. And I did feel I'd been dropped into the middle of the story, or at least the middle of the first act. -dp
A lot of information to pack into so few words, and all delivered clean and hard. Good use of description and dialogue. Conflict immediate, but sorrowful rather than tense. - LM
Nothing to annoying as far as the writing but nothing to catch me and pull me into the story either. Comes off as a been-there-done-that detective crime drama. KS
Detective Jeremy Stark knelt in the snow with his hands covering his face. The massive shoulders of the former all-American linebacker shuddered as he wept. A uniformed lieutenant took a step in his direction but stopped when Stark's partner, Meg Collier, glared at him. Smudged mascara betrayed her own tears, dried now in the hour since the discovery of the dead girl.
"He's gotta move," the officer insisted. "Crime scene."
"Give him a minute."
The cop shook his head. "See enough of this shit and eventually ya get used to it."
Meg grimaced. "Sure."
"Some people can't handle it." He nodded at Stark. "Big don't mean tough. Tell him to move."
"Back off." She patted her sidearm. (She's going to SHOOT him? Nope, sorry.)
The cop blanched. "Look, no offense, but when you've seen one body, you've seen 'em all."
"Oh, really? Try tellin' me that when they zip one of your kids in a body bag." (Finally, the Most Dramatic Element. I'd put this first.) - Jeff
I don't mind "gotta" in dialogue, but "ya" and "'em" strays into dialect, a practice that shows the auth at work and damages the fictional dream. WA
Yeah, I know it's hard to get to the speculative element in 150 words, but probably should insert it pretty soon (if there _is_ one
). There certainly is drama inherent in this scene, but it's diluted by what appears to be a POV conflict. The first two sentences _feel_ omniscient, because Jeremy would not see the situation in these words, IMO -- and no other POV has been introduced. Then Meg gets introduced, but would she think of herself as "Meg Collier," and would she see her smudged mascara. (If it's in her eyes, okay -- otherwise, it's hard to notice without a mirror). So is Meg the POV character? Or perhaps the unnamed cop? You see my problem. There's a story here, but, as a reader, I need a clear POV window into the situaton. - Admin.
The gun sat in his lap under the desk as a precaution. Mortimer Lamb touched the cold steel of the weapon, assuring himself that if necessary he could bring himself to use it, though he hoped it wouldn't come to that. He had after all severed hundreds of business relationships through the years, all without violence. Lamb's gallery had previously displayed this artist's "prophetic" works with some controversy– and a favourable profit– but this time the artist had gone too far. MANTIC ART
Across from Lamb sat the artist under fire. To his credit Ammar Haidar had arrived at the meeting in human form, but Lamb had seen the ghoul's self-portrait– six-inch fangs and all. He touched the gun again.
"Mr Lamb, I suggest you reconsider."
Lamb thought of the portrait depicting thousands of children with their bloodied entrails gaping from torn abdomens, and maintained his decision. "No. I think not."COMMENTS
Mantic Art: The idea of the ghoul character is interesting, but there is no tension in this opening and no sense of going anywhere. Wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
Mantic Art -- Well written, but I'm not driven to read on. Sorry. No vote. --Josh
Mantic Art: Honorable Mention. Nice setup but think a couple paragraphs from a vote. Want more. Sid G.
This doesn't particularly grab me. There's no suggestion of any conflict past the present meeting, and that's only physical conflict which will presumably be resolved one way or another in the next page or three, and may not even eventuate. There's nothing to keep me interested in either character. Making one a ghoul doesn't of itself make him interesting. – WJS
MANTIC ART -- I didn't get it, though it was well-enough written. I've seen lots of gawd-awful art which never stopped gallery owners before, so I must have missed something. (BJ)
mine. SWH
Although the precautionary gun was a nice touch that last paragraph made me turn away from the story, no thanks. I dunno what "Mantic" means and it's not in my dictionary, shrug. -dp
Freaky!!! Lots going on here, and I liked the unusual premise to this one. Nice use of dialogue and description. Third place vote. - LM
This got my third place vote. Almost took second but I had to knock it for the gore factor, usually not my forte. I love the beggining. Very tactile. All in all I'd probably keep going with this one, once I got past the entrails. Very good example of showing instead of telling, especially in describing Haidar. KS
The gun sat in his lap under the desk as a precaution. Mortimer Lamb touched the cold steel of the weapon, assuring himself that if necessary he could bring himself to use it, though he hoped it wouldn't come to that. He had after all severed hundreds of business relationships through the years, all without violence. Lamb's gallery had previously displayed this artist's "prophetic" works with some controversy? and a favourable profit? but this time the artist had gone too far.
Across from Lamb sat the artist under fire. To his credit Ammar Haidar had arrived at the meeting in human form, but Lamb had seen the ghoul's self-portrait? six-inch fangs and all. He touched the gun again.
"Mr Lamb, I suggest you reconsider."
Lamb thought of the portrait depicting thousands of children with their bloodied entrails gaping from torn abdomens, and maintained his decision. "No. I think not." (The Most Dramatic Element. Turn this opening upside-down and it would work better, IMO.) - JeffOkay, I'll bite.
First Place. WA Interesting set-up. A gallery story with a ghoul artist -- Lots of promise here, IMO. I'd bag the back story in the first paragraph, e.g. we don't need to know how he's done business in the past -- I think we can assume that art involves as much rejection/severing of business relationships as writing
. Second graf gets interesting, but veers off course when Lamb touches the gun and then Haidar speaks. (IOW, I was _expecting_ the speaker to be Lamb). Suggest you bag the gun-touching, and add a brief tag for clarity. And do you need to _say_ that Lamb maintains his decision, when "No, I think not" says it well? - Admin.
"Take that pipe out onto the porch this second. I don't want you smoking in the house." FOUR LIES AND THE TRUTH
I turned the corner at the banister and pointed at the front door. The downstairs ghost complied without a grumble, and the scent of tobacco disappeared along with the lingering vestiges of his farmhouse breakfast.
I wish he'd make enough for two, I thought as I padded to the kitchen. Cereal doesn't sound too appealing when the kitchen smells like bacon and eggs.
I shoveled in spoonfuls of Cheerios and composed a mental to-do list. Harvest months had offered up more work than I'd expected. Blackberries for jam. Tomatoes and beans to can. Any day now, the apple trees would drop seven million pounds of fruit on the ground. I groaned at the idea of mincemeat and applesauce for miles.
The downstairs ghost chuckled in my ear and I scowled at the intrusion.COMMENTS
Four Lies and the Truth: No sense of going anywhere. Some good scene setting, and I would read on a little, but there needs to be some tension soon. - SA
Four Lies and the Truth -- Amusing, and the ghost references suggest some interesting twists ahead. I'd read on. Makes first pass and finishes second. Bravo! --Josh
Four Lies and the Truth: Nice but no feeling for where it's going. Sid G.
No conflict to keep me interested. Simply including a strange character (the ghost) doesn't improve the situation, especially when the narrator obviously finds nothing unusual about its being there. Okay, seven million pounds of falling apples might constitute conflict to an orchard owner, but not to me as a reader. And the title could have been a bit more original. – WJS
FOUR LIES AND THE TRUTH -- Very cute. Third. A farmer would not eat Cheerios, however. It's just not enough to sustain someone working very hard and so rang false. If not bacon & eggs, then maybe some new agey yogurt and oatmeal with protein powder sprinkled on it. (BJ)
Clever. Original. Not a lot of tension in harvesting, IMO. Love the ghost, but need a story to go with it. However, it's just quirky enough, I'd read on to find the story. 3rd place. SWH
I had this awful feeling that the title was supposed to echo the resonance of "Four Weddings and a Funeral" -- assuming I'm right, the result is total failure. Storywise there's little sense of revelation and surprise, I'm just thrown headlong into a scenario where the MC doesn't react to having ghosts around, so why should I? Speculative elements are only interesting if the human characters I can identify with react to them in interesting ways. Feel free to quote me. -dp
Mine. - LM
"Any day now, the apple trees..." doesn't need the comma. Can't really find too many nits. Seems pretty solid as far as the technicals but something better happen fast or I'm gone. KS
Take that pipe out onto the porch this second.(I said to the downstairs ghost.) I don't want you smoking in the house."
I turned the corner at the banister and pointed at the front door. The downstairs ghost complied without a grumble, and the scent of tobacco disappeared along with the lingering vestiges of his farmhouse breakfast. (Did the ghost eat a real breakfast or a ghostly breakfast?)
_I wish he'd make enough for two_, I thought as I padded to the kitchen. _Cereal doesn't sound too appealing when the kitchen smells like bacon and eggs_.
I shoveled in spoonfuls of Cheerios and composed a mental to-do list. Harvest months had offered up more work than I'd expected. Blackberries for jam. Tomatoes and beans to can. Any day now, the apple trees would drop seven million pounds of fruit on the ground. I groaned at the idea of mincemeat and applesauce for miles. (? The trees are going to drop mincemeat and applesauce? Seven MILLION pounds? This would work better with more explanation.)
The downstairs ghost chuckled in my ear and I scowled at the intrusion. (Too abrupt a transition. Have her hear ghostly footsteps approaching.) - JeffEffective juxtaposition of mundane and supernatural works to raise the curiosity. I'd read on a bit. Second Place. WA
I'm not generally comfortable with unattributed opening quotes -- You do intro the speaker in the next sentence, but I think the characterization would've been more immediate with stronger verbs (e.g. we learn about the character through verbs like "padded" and "shoveled" and "scowled." "Turned" and "thought" don't give us much information, IMO. Love the image of the ghost disappearing with the vestiges of his breakfast. Good work getting all five senses into the piece so soon. I'd read on, if only to find out more about the relationship between the MC and the ghost and how the latter will cause problems for the former (as I assume will be the case?). And now for something completely different: I usually don't respond to other comments, but I knew Derek would say what he did (ha-ha
) 'cause he _hates_ it when my normal characters confront weird things and fail to consider them Odd. My response: "Hello, can you say 'magic realism'"?! IOW -- This is a clear IMHO situation -- I don't have a problem with the real/fantasy juxtaposition. I refer you to --- http://www.westga.edu/~mmcfar/Magical%20Realism.htm --- Admin
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