Howdy! Sorry for the delay in posting the BOC results for July. So, without further ado, here they are: July 2004 - Best Openings Contest Results
Title and author 1st 2nd 3rd Vot Bon Tot The Way of the Glacier by Susan Wing 3 2 3 16 Something in the Water by Sara Walker Howe 1 2 1 3 3 14 Happy Anniversary Darling by Derek Paterson 2 3 3 12 Tim Jones: Time Master by Paul Vandine 1 2 3 7 The Breach by Barb Galler Smith 1 1 3 6 The Words in Their Heads by Sophia Ahmed 2 3 5In short, congratulations to Susan, Sara, and Derek.I don't have the results from the first month in the quarter as they're at the office and I'm not.
I'm hoping Derek or someone will be able to post the Quarter to Date totals. (Thanks in advance!) Nice work, everyone.
Your BOC Admin,
Josh
Index Happy Anniversary Darling
Tim Jones: Time Master
The Words In Their Heads
THE WAY OF THE GLACIER
The Breach
SOMETHING IN THE WATER
The last person Quint expected to find naked in his shower was Harriet, 300 pounds of quivering womanhood without so much as a G-string to conceal her modesty. He lowered his .45 and put it away, then leaned against the wall and waited until she was finished. She turned off the taps, slid the door open and stared at him. Happy Anniversary Darling
by Derek Paterson
"I guess you got home early today," she said.
"I guess I did." Quint watched with interest as she picked up a fluffy towel and started rubbing herself dry. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
Harriet smiled. "You haven't looked in the bedroom." She turned her back to him and shook her hips from side to side as she toweled her butt dry. Quint pushed himself off the wall and exited before she started work on her grand canyon.
The guy lying on his bed wearing just a look of contentment couldn't have weighed more than 110 pounds. Quint considered shooting him, but that would have made even more mess. Besides, he was Harriet's victim, this was her doing.
He returned to the bathroom and said, "Who the hell is he?"
She grinned. "Why, he's your anniversary present."
§
1st sentence WAY too derivative of mine :( The opening itself is horrific enough to give anyone of any sexual leanings an instant nightmare ;-)pv This one didn't work for me. Are they vampires? Is the man on the bed already dead, and what is the mess, that shooting him would make more of? After 200 words, I don't know who or what these characters are or what is going on, and I find their personalities unappealing. I'm guessing it's *their* anniversary, so why is she the last person he'd expect in the shower? I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
Mine. For a change I thought I'd start a story with one of my secret fantasies. No, not the guy on the bed. -dp
Eye-popper of an opening line. Details seem a little sketchy in the scene, and could be "fleshed" out with more words.
Quirky enough scene to get me to read on. FIRST. --SWH Humorous, smooth writing. Didn't really have any nits, except the first sentence was almost _too_ good
. I know this sounds weird, but I could feel the writer pulling out the stops to _make_ me pay attention -- IOW, trying a bit too hard, IMO, but that's just me. An editor would probably love it . 1st place - SEW >>her grand canyon. << I don't know whether to laugh or be offended. Seems a little too light and trivial. Sorry, this just doesn't grab me. (BJ)
I never thought I would ever see a Red Dragon in my bathroom, mainly because I had forbidden him to come in there when I was doing my "business"! Also the high level shield spell should have kept all but a 52nd level wizard out. Yet there he was, blowing his rank, sulphurous breath directly in my face. With a deft gesture I shunted the noxious cloud forward in time two weeks. With my good luck I would be sitting in the same place when it arrived. I also had to wonder how my familiar who was 4 meters tall at the chest could even fit in my 3 1/2 meter tall bathroom. To my chagrin that is one question he always answers with a knowing grin and a puff of smoke from his rather large nostrils. Tim Jones: Time Master
by Paul Vandine
§ Soon I wil UL the whole story and you will be amazed at the genius! ;-) I coulda used better spacing, but hey it IS my first sub! pvSome nit-picky inconsistencies with this. If he 'never thought' to see the dragon there, why does he then say that the dragon 'always answers' the question about how he fits in there with a grin (why does it get asked?) I do like DnD stories, but this one isn't going anywhere. Even if it is a novel opening, there should be a problem to hook us in. I don't think a character would describe his own gesture as 'deft'. Why not shunt the cloud forward ten minutes, instead? It doesn't give the 'Master' much credibility, moving things around so thoughtlessly. And is the setting a real world, modern-day one? With all these questions, I'm not convinced enough that it will be a good story, and so wouldn't read on, I'm afraid. THIRD. - SA
This one had an odd "games system" feel about it, as if it's part of a "Dragons & Wizards" handbook scenario instead of a real story. Maybe it's the "52nd level wizard" reference, and the too-easy magic (or time manipulation or whatever it is). I'm not entirely allergic but it would have to do something differently very quickly to grab me. -dp
Interesting first line. I think all the elements for a catchy story opening are here, but they're lurking under a bit too much info and awkward phrasing. But enough promise here for a THIRD. --SWH
Whimsical situation hampered by occasionally clunky writing. The 52nd level wizard line almost bounced me out of the story, 'cause it sounded like a computer game come to life -- I have two teenage sons -- 'nuff said
. Too much thinking about what's going on instead of interacting with the dragon, which would be more interesting, IMO. Also, a bit heavy on the modifiers, e.g. rank sulphurous breath (isn't sulphurous generally _rank_? and deft gesture (drop the "deft" and show me the gesture instead). Suggest you stay with the dragon puffing sulphur in the bathroom and solidify setting and character relationship before you let the MC drift off into contemplation. Situation shows promise, however. - SEW Cute, but insubstantial. Too much time spent on the stench sent into the future--so I hope this is significant to the plot--otherwise it's wasted here at the beginning. I'd keep reading to see what the dragon wanted, but it better happen very soon. SECOND (BJ)
The first time I saw you, my heart stopped. The droids explained it to me afterwards: my brain was still human, and was trying to decipher the signal flooding my optic nerve before I knew to give it an explicit command to do so. You had simply arrived too soon, and my mind, maddened with incomprehension, severed the link with my body in an instinct to erase you from the universe. The Words In Their Heads
by Sophia Ahmed
Then... there is only a later. As they gave me my limbs, my employers told me how the robot deity was rarely seen by any construct, and I flexed my powerful new hands. They spoke in clear, awed tones of the blessing your manifestation must surely mean for the mission—within a moment of my waking with my new word!—and I stood, taller than any human, and felt the strength in my legs. And I saw, then, how the silvery lines of faith I traced for a living were interpreted by droid eyes: as movement; eddies; whirlpools, in an ocean that filled the world. Before me, undertows, rippling in from every direction, met and churned violently together where you had stood. And my hand hardened to a fist.
§ Very nice, on the eve of I, Robot another robot story, great homage to the whole robot genre. pvMine, an experiment with 1st person POV that I found quite hard to do. I haven't decided what I want to have in this opening yet, so it is a definite work-in-progress. - SA
Nicely written, almost poetic, but so definitely not my thing. -dp
Interesting juxtaposition of the first line and the robot info. But too much backstory for me. I'd rather discover these interesting pieces through dialogue while some action was taking place. --SWH
This one kind of grew on me. At first I thought the opening sentence was blah -- it seemed dramatic, but didn't really give me much information -- but I did read on. I was a little confused, 'cause the POVC's character does change his perceptions midstream, but it's kind of interesting, and I did get a sentence of inner conflict ready to erupt and create outer conflict. So although it didn't really _grab_ me at first, the momentum built to a strong final sentence that definitely made me want to read more of this. 3rd place - SEW.
The Words In Their Heads -- A bit too florid for my tastes. It's a little confusing as I'm not sure who anyone is, and what's happening other than someone has been turned into a machine. Just doesn't pull me in. Sorry. (BJ)
My personal favorite this month. --Josh
Half a league from the sea, ice clinging to granite, a lone mountain split the glacier in two. THE WAY OF THE GLACIER
by Susan Wing
"Looks like someone dropped it there, forgot about it," Lisbet said. She turned from the edge of the bluff and walked back to the clearing where Gan was striking the tents.
"Yes," he said. "We call it Tasdrik."
Lisbet made a face at him and stuck out her tongue.
"Forgive me. It doesn't translate well. Perhaps 'heavenly droppings'?"
Lisbet snorted. "I'll stick with Tasdrik, if you don't mind." She grabbed a mealbar from Gan's waist pack before he zipped it. "How long from here?"
"Three days, maybe four."
She wasn't happy about trekking halfway across the continent with a Jaclan peasant, but at least the fellow didn't waste time with idle chatter. She pushed up her snow goggles and raised her binoculars. Now she saw it. On the far side of the mountain, craggy fingers of rock cradled the fabled colonnades of Senate House.
"Where are the delegates?" she asked. "Didn't someone inform them of my appointment?"
"I'm sure they will welcome you suitably." Gan deftly shouldered his pack, and ignored her grumbling as he strapped her into a second one.
§ I likes! First line is tres tres nice! I like the blend of seriousness and very understated humour. pvI thought that the first sentence was describing an event in motion - the mountain splitting the glacier. If it hadn't been there the day before, or something, I would have found it quite interesting. These first few lines seemed unnecessary - the story didn't seem to start until Lisbet looked through her binoculars. I don't have a clear picture of what these characters look like, although the setting is fine. I like Gan, but I'm afraid I'd like to see Lisbet disappear down a crevasse soon. SECOND. - SA
FIRST. Something appealed. Maybe the promise of a solid story to come in a solid setting. -dp
Very good. Clear introduction of characters, hint o' conflict, and all info is nicely woven into the dialogue. Opening line is not a whopper, but everything else is compelling reading. SECOND. --SWH
Mine. Setting came to me in a dream. I still don't know what to do with it, obviously
. FWIW, if not for the BOC deadline, this would have been tossed in the shreadder with the rest of what I've been writing the last month. - SEW Good job. Grabbed me right away and never let me go. The characters both had life right away. FIRST (BJ)
Smitty stood with the calm, blue-eyed stare that shivered the spines of men who knew him. Commander Watson didn't know Smitty. We backed away from the fallout zone, waiting for Smitty's inevitable crush of wit and vitriole—part of the reason he remained a Petty Officer and not Admiral of the Fleet. The Breach
by Barb Galler-Smith
Instead, the chief smiled. Not with amusement, but with lips stretched thin across his mouth to show white teeth slightly bunched in the front.
"Yes, Sir," he said, with Sunday radio preacher goodness. "I agree completely."
The Commander studied him from head to toe, trying to determine if he was serious.
"I'll tell you one more time, Chief. Your men are slackers and con-artists. They fight with everyone and you encourage them. I will not have it."
"No, Sir," said Smitty, his eyes softening with a look of pity.
The Commander didn't notice. "You'll muster your men at oh-five-thirty. They'll jump into the fray on the surface and they will take Central Control back from the aliens who occupy it."
"Fray?" Lewis muttered behind me. "100 percent fatalities with only a bunch of human DNA smeared on the ground to show for it. Not much of a fray."
§ Nice character development, first line gives alot about one of the MCs. Tis a good thing pvConfusing, with what read like a lot of 'in-jokes' that made me dislike the characters. I'm not sure who the protagonist is in this. I wouldn't read on, sorry. - SA
THIRD. Evidently some danger lies ahead -- good. Seems like the wrong point to enter the story -- bad, which gets it a lower vote. -dp
Hmm. Dialogue gives us good info, rather than reading it in text. But opening paragraph has too much telling, not enough showing. Last line is a bit of a downer, and I'm not sure if I would read on. Scene feels a little stagnant. Maybe if the men were doing something while they sized each other up, the scene would have a little more impact. I'd also like to see something from the characters indicating they are different from the average military personnel. --SWH
Too many characters to keep straight for starters. And I have _no_ idea who the POVC is or what his/her relationship is with any of the other characters. Each of the characters is described with a single visual or vocal feature that doesn't really tell me much about them, but seems too detailed for a POVC to be thinking in the midst of a tense situation. It crossed my mind that the POVC was a news correspondent (why else would he/she even say "Sunday radio preacher goodness" or "softening with a look of pity" --) IOW, your POVC seems too omniscient, and therefore, too distant for me to relate. The result -- a potentially emotional scene feels flat, to me anyway. -- SEW
Superb, of course. But alas, I can't vote for myself. (BJ)
It all started last October when Sam Quinten started seeing the devil, and when Wellie Borrow, the man that wasn't, moved into town. It might have been said there was something in the water, if it hadn't been for Joey Ladeucer. He had seen what'd really happened. Unfortunately, no one was falling for eye-witness accounts. No one that is, but me, Jeff Johnson, Special Investigator of the Supernatural. SOMETHING IN THE WATER
by Sara Walker Howe
Last autumn I was sitting at a desk, filling out reports on a case that finally came to an end, when my supervisor walked in and announced he was sending me to Springwater, Illinois. "Sounds like kids playing pranks," he'd said. "You'll be back in a week."
I think if he knew then how much I feared the water, and how the case would turn out, he still would have sent me, but he might have thought twice. Choice was limited; everyone else was wrapped up in other investigations. But he would have sent along a bigger hotel budget and maybe a partner.
They say investigators like us shouldn't have fears. Maybe they're right. Whoever they are.
§ Not bad, but please not ANOTHER Spirit/supernatural investigator! A few years back there were none, now I can't count the Spook/vamp/zombie investigators on 2 hands and my nose ;-) Not bad tho, just not fresh. pvReally liked the first sentence. I didn't like the jump from the interesting build-up in the first paragraph to the uninteresting flashback in the rest of the opening, and by the end I was irritated by the voice of the POVC. I'd read on, but if the next line didn't get back to the story, I'd stop. The opening line gets this a FIRST. - SA
SECOND. Content appealed to me, though just let me wag my finger and say that something more than a cute pastiche of hardboiled investigator had better appear soon. -dp
-Mine. SWH
Love the opening sentence, and love the opening paragraph. Very intriguing; engaging tale-telling style. Reads a bit like a prologue, but that's okay, 'cause you move more into the present and bring in the MC in the second paragraph. The energy begins to flag in the third paragraph, however, when you go back to the same tone you open with, with all the folksy "what-if"'s. It would work better if you continued into the present-tense action here, give us a setting, snappy character-revealing dialogue, etc. at this point. IMO, your third paragraph is unnecessary; everything you mention here will be revealed in action, so why spoil the surprise now? -- Still, interesting voice and situation - 2nd place - SEW.
"It all started last October when..." I like stories to start at the beginnning, not as narrative flashbacks. Nice idea, and a good start, but needs to be up close and now rather than ". As I like the idea of a "special investigator of the supernatural", especially with a fear of water, I would read on in hopes it picked up the pace. THIRD (BJ)
Quarterly Totals
Author June July Total Sara Walker Howe 10 14 24 Susan Wing 7 16 23 Derek Paterson 9 12 21 Barb Galler-Smith 9 6 15 Sophia Ahmed 9 5 14 Paul Vandine ne 7 7
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2004 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.