January 2004 Best Openings Contest Results
The votes are in and tallied—for January, anyway, and I'm astonished to announce a FIRST for the Best Openings Contest. In all the years this thing has dragged on, I don't believe we've ever had an outcome this close.
Congratulations are definitely in order for Susan Wing, Sarah Walker Howe, and Erin Garrett—who all finished in a 3-way tie for first!
<The assembled IMPs roar!>
Just missing a 4-way tie by one lowly vote, was Lisa Mantchev, who now owns either 4th or 2nd depending on your mood. <G>
Anyway, here are the votes (I accept no responsibility for legibility in format. CIS is too bloody hard to please):
1st 2nd 3rd Bonus Vote Tot Mathematics of Desire Susan Wing 2 2 5 X 16 Nightshade in Full Bloom Sara Howe 1 3 2 5 16 Untitled Erin Garrett 2 1 5 X 16 24-Hour Society Lisa Mantchev 4 1 3 X 15 In Training Wayne Sowry 2 3 X 12 Red Queen's Executioner L. Fernandez 1 5 X 11 In the Strangest Places D. Paterson 3 5 X 11 Taste of Cinnamon Dee-Ann Latona 1 1 3 8 Observations Martin MacArthur 3 X 7 No entry David Gillon X 3 No entry Sid Gittler X 3You will also note that some writers received 5 bonus points while others only got 3. This is based on MY interpretation of whether or not the writer managed to convey sexual tension. They all did to some degree, but I gave extra points to those who met the challenge best. Feel free to disagree, but remember Rule 11. <S>Hats off to the January winners—three obviously very sexy writers!
Index THE MATHEMATICS OF DESIRE - Susan Wing
The 24-Hour Society - Lisa Mantchev
Observations - Martin MacArthur
UNTITLED - Erin Garrett
IN TRAINING - Wayne Sowry
Red Queen's Executioner - Lynn Fernandez
In The Strangest Places - Derek Paterson
THE MATHEMATICS OF DESIRE - Susan Wing
The best part of geometry was undressing the teacher.
Thursday was no different, at least not at first. Miss Callahan opened the window to let in fresh air, but it was January, still pretty cold, so when she turned around, I could see her nipples were incredibly hard.
"Danny, please solve number three for us."
She crossed her legs. No swishing sound. No pantyhose. Garters. I wonder if they rub against her thighs when she walks. I wonder if she gets hot on her way to class.
"Okay." I swallowed. Breathe. Breathe. "Forty-four cubic inches?"
"Yes, Danny," she said. "Yes." Maybe she doesn't even wear panties. Or just a black lace thong, really tight in her crack. Sweet.
And then she leaned forward.
Oh God. Find the volume of two porno-queen tits in a tight sweater.
"Class, please turn to page 16."
Incredibly tight. If she wore a string bikini, she'd pop right out. Oh yeah.
"Caitlin, will you explain the first proof?" she said.
And then no one else seemed to notice, but I swear Miss Callahan looked directly at me and started to move a little, back and forth on her chair. Part of me kept sitting, listening to Caitlin, but some other part of me walked right up to the front of the classroom and there was Miss Callahan with her skirt hiked up and her hand between her legs.
She looked at me with this amazing smile on her face, and I realized she was totally getting off on the fact that I was watching her. And I didn't even think about it, just picked her up, stretched her out on the desk real hard and fast, and pulled up her sweater. Yes, Danny.
"Thank you, Caitlin. And Danny?"
Oh God.
"See me after class, please."§
This reminds me of that student maths teacher we had for a while back in high school. All the guys used to dream about being kept back after class <g>. Some very nice tension on Danny's part. The only real glitches were the expressions "this amazing smile" and "was totally getting off". A few of the other adverbs could go too. 1st place. WJSGood set up, good character voice. Met the assignment this month with palpable sexual tension. Had the feeling that if a horny teenaged boy was going to be thinking along these lines, his mental pictures would be far more X-rated. EG Good hook at the end of the entry. First place vote. LM
THE MATHEMATICS OF DESIRE As I read this I hear Elton John's Teacher I Need You running in the background. I thought the details were exceptional but the concept pedestrian. LF
Mine. Doesn't quite hit the mark. There's potential conflict, but I'm not sure it comes from sexual tension so much as the discrepancy between fantasy and reality. IOW, doesn't really fullfill requirements of this BOC, IMO. Ah, well. <g> - SEW
Sure, this meets the theme, but author forgot something important: speculative element. Any speculative element. And, after 300 words, I expect some hint of where the story might be heading, just a sprinkling, that's all. Sorry, gotta pass. -dp
Hmm, inevitably reminds me of Busted's (Brit Boy Band) 'That's What I Go to School For'. I guess there's sexual tension aplenty, but it reads a little too much like a 15 year old male's fevered imagination (okay it is, but it seems to deviate towards wet dream territory leaving reality behind). IMO it would work better if the teacher's part in this remained completely unconscious. Providing an outlet for the tension in the final line is much less satisfactory for the reader than turning that tension up a notch or too and leaving it unresolved. DG
The first line definately caught my eye. Really liked the last line. I would read further. Third. EG
Sexual tension in the imagination of an over stimulated boy. Familiar daydreaming by a schoolboy teenager, with a twist or two. I didn’t see much to this other than that though. Studs Lonigan was similar but more interesting. I didn’t see any element of SF or fantasy at all, which I consider important for a Science Fiction/Fantasy section. I didn’t see how it could fit into a story either, because there was nothing to the characters. There was no visualization of them so that the reader could see what was happening. MM
The 24-Hour Society - Lisa Mantchev
Jenna retrieved four poems memorized in third grade, the capitols of the fifty-four states and the molecular structure of hydrogen and dumped them in the recycle bin. Then she shuffled free memory and recategorized the Simmons project as High Priority.
At least gave her something to do while Damon grunted above her besides stare at the open closet and choose her outfit for work.
With little regret, she slipped into microsleep to finalize the new changes and reboot. Cell repair and regeneration on the soles of her naked feet. QuickDreams of frolicking in fountains dressed in a Mardi Gras mask and surrounded by pink and gold fireworks. Then she jerked awake to find Damon pulling on his pants in disgust.
"Damn it, Jenna, I thought we talked about that."
She sat up in bed, wrapped her arms around her knees. Residual dream glitter cascaded through her vision, sifted over her naked body and disappeared.
"We didn't talk about anything. You lectured me about it and ordered me to stop."
He glowered at her and began snapping his shirt together. Crooked. Jenna didn't point it out to him.
"I'm sorry," he said without any inflection of apology. "I thought you'd understand that it's a big turn-off to watch your eyes roll back into your head in the middle of sex."
She lifted one bare shoulder and let it fall again. Studied the pattern on the coverlet and pleated it with precision. "You knew I was a 24/7 girl when we met."
"The point was that you don't have to conk out while we're—" The bed creaked under his weight. His fingertips skimmed over her skin then under her jaw to force her to meet his gaze. "I was out for eight hours. What is it you do while I'm asleep?"§
Interesting premise, but despite the situation, the conflict is oddly non-sexual, IMO. This could be merely my interpretation of the assignment, but I find that scenes with sexual conflict are always a bit, um, arousing <eg>. This isn't. Quite the opposite, in fact. The characters are operating at cross-purposes, so there is conflict—but it doesn't come from any sort of erotic energy, IMO. Also, the introduction of what Jenna does while Damon's asleep seems like an abrupt shifting of gears at the end <shrug>.—SEWI was a bit confused about what happened here. Jenna's explanation for apparently falling asleep was that she's a 24/7 girl. Sounds contradictory to me. And the only sexual "tension" is Damon's anger at what she did. Otherwise it's all very chilly between them. - WJS
Miiiiine. - LM
The 24-Hour Society This was interesting. I was a little confused at first though. The second graf, At least...outfit for work, should be short for clarity and punch. Also, cell repair ... naked feet, is just hanging there along with QuickDreams...fireworks, Maybe they need to be in a list formation. Straighten it out and I think it has real possibilities. 3rd LF
Interesting take on neuronets, implants, whatever Jenna's using. But Damon's got it all wrong, the idea of sex is that her eyeballs are supposed to roll back in her head. At least that's what I've been aiming for all these years. SECOND despite the wobbly title. -dp
Interesting, but not as clear as it might be. For instance, which one of them was 'out for eight hours'? Is he wondering what she does when he sleeps, or she wondering what he does to her? Have eight hours passed in the scene, or only a few moments? There's nice scene setting and I can understand why Damon would be getting frustrated (actually the more appropriate word might be 'humiliated'), but in the end it's just too unclear. DG
<<At least gave her something to do ..>> I wasn't sure what was going on in this line at first. Perhaps a little more detail would help clear this line a little. The first paragraph was a little confusing to me. EG
Clever idea, and one that is familiar to many of us for our own reasons. Not much tension involved with the sex, but the idea was plenty good, and amusing too. There was enough to continue into something coherent as a longer piece developing the societal ideas that created this situation. MM
Observations - Martin MacArthur
The two government officials sat well hidden behind a wall and waited for the entertainment to begin. Galph, the oldest was reasonably sure that he had seen similar signs before and recognized what was to happen. "Is this how they start the process, Galph? Seems somewhat simplistic to me. What are those round lumps the one on top is grabbing?" The young one pointed with one antenna.
"They aren’t always round, Great One. Some are long, some are globular, some are much smaller or far bigger than these. They all seem to have those little nubbins at the end that grow and shrink during the process. We think they are chemical repositors, but what they produce is as yet unknown. There are many, many of them, you see, and very few were captured. Note how the one on top, the bigger one, is attempting to bite the globes, even though it’s mouth, or I assume it is a mouth because of the dentition, is much too small."
"What incredibly ugly creatures, Galph. You would think they would repel themselves and never come together. Look, now the top one is separating the leg stalks of the bottom one. What next?" the Great One asked.
"I believe from frequent observation that the entry site is being prepared by massage much similar to the way we, um, korch, if you’ll pardon me. Notice that fluid is now being released in small quantities for lubrication purposes. If this goes the way I anticipate you will see how it facilitates entry. The top one also seems to feel that the exudation is tasty, or perhaps necessary to trigger the next phase. See how the mouth licks up the excess fluid. One of our technicians feels that it acts as a trigger for other chemical mechanisms."§
This seems to me too much like a biology lesson, and one in which I already know the answers. The only real points of interest in this scene are that the subjects are human, or at least human-like, and about to have sex. Padding it out with all the details of what they're doing just drags out the story, unless it's made clear from the start that there is something unusual (from the reader's POV) about what's happening. - WJSOpening graf a little disjointed. Throwaway phrases like "similar signs" and "reasonably sure what was to happen" doesn't set anything up for me as a reader. I reread Galph's first speech and still couldn't figure out what was going on. These aliens seem to be observing the sex act, but I didn't get any tension out of the scene (either their enjoyment or repulsion) just a start scientific (and largely unclear) description of the proceedings. - LM
Observations Oh my. LOL. LF
I liked this one. Okay, I'm weird. Aside from being funny (face it—human anatomy is pretty funny, and the logistics? ROFL!)—this piece tapped into the fantasy of being observed during lovemaking. (Oh, right, you've never had that fantasy, give me a break! <g>). A couple of confusing points and instances of clunky wording (e.g. Seems the sentence about Galph's familiarity with the process in first paragraph needs to be moved to 2nd paragraph, to introduce his quote. Otherwise, it's momentarily ambiguous as to who is speaking. Also, the 2nd paragraph reference to captured specimens seems thrown in and not explained—IOW sends us off on tangent and IMO, not needed yet). Love the use of the word "korch." <lol>. 3rd place—SEW
This would have looked fine in Playboy when SF was in vogue. Aliens watching humans having sex and puzzling over the process has been done before, notably by Isaac Asimov. That's not to say this opening wasn't nicely written, but familiarity of the idea stops it from getting my vote. -dp
Very nice. Human sexuality seen through the eyes of a pair of aliens. However I'm not certain there's any sexual tension here. The humans are well on the way to resolving any they might have felt, while the aliens don't entirely know what they're watching. One comment, referring to the aliens as '<waiting> for the entertainment to begin' is suggestive of a greater comprehension of the events than the rest of the piece seems to show—they don't appear to know enough about humans for this to validly be prurient entertainment. DG
The beginning was a little dry to me, and didn't get me interested. I don't think I would read further. EG
Clever idea, and one that is familiar to many of us for our own reasons. Not much tension involved with the sex, but the idea was plenty good, and amusing too. There was enough to continue into something coherent as a longer piece developing the societal ideas that created this situation. MM
NIGHTSHADE IN FULL BLOOM - Sara Walker Howe
Jack stumbled across the moonlit field with the imprint of his step-father's hand still raw on his backside. Humiliation burned on the fifteen year old's face. Tomorrow Jack would be whipped for making footprints in the seedlings, but at the moment, all Jack wanted to do was run.
He slowed as he entered the forest, tripping over bushes that whipped his legs. The forest was black, but Jack could not get lost. He knew the trees as intimately as his step-father knew his backside.
The dark scent of nightshade in full bloom filled the warm air, deep in the dense woods.
What is that?
Ahead, a big patch of moonlight twinkled on mossy trees, but he knew there was no clearing anywhere in the hundred acres. He approached slowly. Quietly.
Something glinted in the light. Something was moving.
Jack crouched behind a bush. On a mossy meadow, a woman danced. As his eyes readjusted to the moonlight, he watched the beautiful woman's rhythmic, deliberate movements under a filmy, translucent dress. She turned and pranced not making a sound, her toes leaving no imprint. Soft bells and flutes played, like a whisper of breath on his flesh. His gaze wandered up the woman's slender body, mesmerized by her cascading white hair and the flutter of her silver wings. Wings?
She twirled in her dance and faced him. His heart throbbed in his throat. Did she know he was there? He swallowed. The fairy woman swayed back and forth, eyes locked on the bush Jack hid behind. Her hands slid down the front of her dress, gliding over and under her curves. Warmth filled Jack, his body unintentionally reacting to the woman's erotic moves. He blushed.
Her lips parted. She crooked a finger and beckoned to him. "Come play with me, man-child."§
A nice opening sentence, but I initially took it to mean he'd been smacked by his step-father. It wasn't until the second reading of the whole piece that I realised it was something more sinister. And that makes me wonder whether he'd be in any frame of mind to react at all to the woman's charms so soon afterwards. Still, I thought it was nicely written and intriguing. I just hope he doesn't wake up in the middle of the fun and find it was all a dream <g>. 2nd place. - WJSGreat title... The transition to the real set-up of the story (the woman dancing in the moonlight) seemed unconnected with the opening paragraph's about Jack's beating/punishment. While I understand the need to get him outside in the dark, the change of direction (from humiliation to arousal) just didn't quite happen for me. Easy to fix, though, and a solid hook on the end. Second place vote. - LM
NIGHTSHADE IN FULL BLOOM Outside of the first graf, I like this opening. I don't see how the first graf adds to the story . The rest of it is well written. I'll give it a 2nd. LF
Good opening sentence that suggests conflict, but I'm afraid I couldn't make the leap from Jack's punishment from his father to his encounter in the forest. If his step-father's abuse were sexual, or if Jack was being punished for some sexual discretion, then his response to the dancer in the forest would create sexual conflict within Jack, IMO—but neither of those are indicated in the opening as written. Nicely written, good images—but the nature of the conflict is unclear, IMO.—SEW
A stumbling opening indeed, starting as it does after the inciting incident, but the events in the mossy meadow were nicely presented. THIRD. -DP
"He knew the trees as intimately as his step-father knew his backside." I'm not certain if it's intentional, but I find that line very disturbing. Otherwise this is a very traditional encounter with one of the folk under the hill, which has the advantage of working within an established background of Human lust and Fey sexual predation. Looking at some of the images I'm not certain if describing her as dancing soundlessly and then mentioning soft bells and flutes in the next sentence works. I understand what you're saying, but the two images don't work together. I'd also avoid the wings imagery, that's a Victorian view of the Fey, rather than a traditional one - glowing skin might work better, you need to evoke the wild and dangerous Fey of myth, not the prudery of their Victorian bowdlerizing. Don't make her a human ideal of sex, make her something rampantly wild and animalistic, perhaps closer to the Greek Satyrs. Close to placing, but not quite close enough. DG
I really liked the imagery in this one. I would definately read on. Second EG
3rd Place—Not much sexual tension at all. Fairies are too cute to be sexy. Still, I could see it moving into something else and making a real story. Jack came across as a real person in real surroundings. The descriptions were good and created good visuals. Fairies make it eligible for consideration as fantasy, too. MM
UNTITLED - Erin Garrett
“It’s quite, um, well …” Patricia fumbled.
“Long?” Simon offered, a little too eagerly.
“What’s it for, exactly?” Patricia was examining the length.
Simon walked around behind her, putting a hand gently on her shoulder. “For thrusting, of course”
“Is that why it’s so narrow?” she asked, a note of amusement in her voice.
“Of course. If it were thicker, the thrust would be diminished, and would not have the desired result.” He ran his hand down the length of her delicate arm.
“Which would be what, exactly?” She sought and found his eyes as he circled around to stand in front of her.
“Why, complete surrender. What else?” He stared back into her gleaming blue eyes.
“I’m sure I don’t know,” she said batting her eyelashes at him. “I’m quite a novice at this.”
“Well, my dear, let me educate you on a few of the finer points.” Simon stroked the length as he began his lesson. “It is a delicate dance between two people. You don’t want to thrust too soon, or the excitement will be over too quickly.” Simon assumed a pose with his back to her.
She stepped closer to him, running her hand over his shoulder, and down the length of his arm. “And that’s important” she purred into his ear, “the sport? Thrusting and recovering?”
“Why, y-y-yes,” he stammered, having to clear his throat.
“And what does it feel like, this complete surrender?” Both her hands were on him now, arms circling his hips.
Turning to face her, he pulled her close, pinning her arms at her sides. “That, my dear, is a lesson for the bed chamber, not the armory. Didn’t your father every teach you not to play with fire?”
“Just think of me as a moth” she whispered.§
While the ending has good sexual tension, the road there is all obvious, and IMO tedious, double-entendre. I'd most likely dump the book after the second line. - WJSThis one has a strike against it right off the bat because of the lack of title... Obviously the characters are not talking about what we think they are talking about, and I started to skim to find the real beginning of the story. But I didn't find any real conflict, or hint of the direction this is going to take. - LM
UNTITLED Nice tease, not very original though. LF
This must have been fun to write <g>. It's clear from pretty early on that they're using the banter to talk around sexual feelings that begin to become more distracting as the conversation progresses. In some ways, it was a one-liner (thrusting rapier into supple sheath, blah, blah, blah <g>)—but the light tone—and the sense that their bodies are beginning to respond to the words—makes this opening work for me. My only nit: It might be more effective, from a "conflict" point of view, if Simon played it fairly straight, while Patricia steers it into deeper waters—and he sorta realizes what she's doing, but isn't quite sure if this is the Time or Place <g>—This would make his stammering more plausible near the end of this opening. Just a thought.—2nd place.—SEW
I'll admit their interplay had me smiling after an initial "too corny" reaction (I quickly realized that of course they were talking about something else). The last two sentences really got to me, big chuckle earns author a FIRST. -dp
I think this is a little too dependent on a joke everyone is going to get before the punchline. On the other hand the metaphor works well. My solution would be to remove the obfuscation, make it obvious they're talking about swords and play the metaphor for all its worth. In spite of the problems, I think this is a definite contender. DG
First Place Very amusing, and too funny to be tense. I have no idea what could come next in such a story, but it would be fun to find out. The dialog was very good. There was no hint of Science Fiction or Fantasy but it was enjoyable. I would have liked to see the people involved but other than length there really wasn’t much to see. MM
A Taste of Cinnamon - Dee-Ann Latona
Legend had it that the Gods favored irony. Tonight was the proof. The Pajhad of Al'Akmoor might be dying, but the gala celebration proceeded. Fifty years of peace between their nations was nothing short of a miracle, and Andres was honored to be amongst those present—even if he merely guarded King Dario's musicians.
He surveyed the great hall as bards and servants skittered about. Never had he seen so much flesh on display, with so little shame. He smiled, but a flash of blue and gold from the corner of his eye quickly wiped that from his face. His King's favorite songbird passed without noticing. He let out a soft sigh, nearly grinning as he caught her own gaze drifting toward the flattering lie of a nearby Al'Akmooran lord's well-formed, silk-covered rear.
His companions might long for home after months of travel and rigid duties, but as solid, shirtless men heaved chandeliers into place, Andres prayed that a sandstorm might delay their departure. Perhaps he might find a permanent position in this astounding place that accepted those his people deemed most foul. Surely, if the Major knew what he planned that night, he would be lucky to only be whipped.
As though summoned by desire, Andres' inspiration stepped into the hall. The slave moved with such a delicate grace that he didn't quite seem human. Andres swallowed a groan at the wide, low-slung belt that rode his craving's hips. Billowing sapphire silk accentuated dancer's legs with a hint of transparency. This was the face and body that had filled his dreams the last few nights. Dreams of cinnamon skin barely covered by short beaded vests, and of sultry black eyes that seemed to take in everything with just a glance, while covered by demure, lowered lashes.§
I'm not terribly keen on the first paragraph, and the second one's already giving us background. Perhaps just start with the third paragraph, "Andres surveyed the great hall...", and work the other details in later. The last paragraph seems a little odd to me too. Andres' slave is male, yet the description of him is one typical of a sultry female dancer. It gives me conflicting images. - WJSAnother great title but the opening line seemed like an intrusion by the author. The rest was a bit description and name-heavy (I tend to think of stories like this as subtitled "Book One of the Insert-Some-Unpronounceable-Word-Here Trilogy!") A hint of future conflict but no dialogue or interaction to break up the first 300 words. - LM
A Taste of Cinnamon I think the own needs to be removed. This was clever and well written. The author caught me by surprise at the ending. I hope this is a finished piece. 1st LF
The scene is certainly sensual, especially the last paragraph, IMO. Problem is, I'm not sure at all what the conflict is. Also too much exposition: I don't think we need to know all the diplomatic stuff at this point—(If you don't believe politics is a sexual turn-off, try reading about the race for the Democratic nomination <g>). Confused pacing: You start to describe the sensual scene in the hall, then break off for some more exposition. The paragraph about the slave dancer is lovely—but how does it relate to conflict for the MC?—SEW
Alas personal sexual preferences must play a part in voting when the theme is sexual tension. This was nicely done but I didn't quite appreciate Andres' reaction as much as I maybe should have, sorry. -dp
Ah, forbidden lust, the most extreme form of sexual tension. To really make this work that well-turned first line needs to be intricately linked into Andres' situation, which I don't think it is at present. Now if Andres had opportunity, say if 'the King's favourite songbird' was turning her attention to him, but he's just not interested in her, while the slave remainds constantly just beyond reach then irony can run riot. Even without that, this is well written and has definite possibilities. Second Place. DG
I didn't feel like I was following Andres' thoughts in the third paragraph. I might read further just to find out what his plan was, though. EG
Interesting start to a story, but not very sexy, unless the homosexual aspect proves entrancing to some. The term "craving hips" I found amusing. MM
IN TRAINING - Wayne Sowry
"Master Karyna," Helena murmured, "are you sure you want me to do this?"
She stared into my face, green eyes drilling like an emerald laser. A mischievous smile played across her lips as she tightened her grip on my sleeve.
"Do your worst," I replied. "Show me what you're made—"
The sudden jerk yanked me forward and to the right, throwing me off balance. I stepped wildly to the side, but my legs disappeared from under me as her foot swept across. I spun and crashed backwards onto the mat. Before I could move, she slammed down on top of me, thrusting one arm around my neck and locking my right arm against her with the other. Black spots danced in front of my eyes as she pulled up hard and squeezed, crushing my carotid arteries. When she turned to look at me again, her eyes were blazing.
"You mean like this, Master?" Her breathing came fast and shallow from the sudden exertion. "Is that how you like it?"
I lay there, motionless, not bothering to struggle. Her face hovered inches above mine, her gaze darting from side to side as she stared into each of my eyes in turn, as if searching for a hint, some clue as to what I was thinking. I hesitated, wondering, staring back. The aura she radiated tugged at some base instinct within me, drew out a desire that wasn't proper between a Zendu master and his apprentice. Professionalism, I reminded myself, is the key to a successful master-student relationship. Harnessing what will-power I could muster, I peeled my eyes away, raised my free hand, and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Okay, that's enough. I'm about ready to pass out here. Save it for tomorrow, for the arena."§
Mine. - WJS"Green eyes drilling like an emerald laser"? I groaned a bit over this line, I must admit. The description of the sweep and the pinning required multiple reads to get a good mental picture. And although there is some underlying attraction between the master and the student, I didn't really get a sense of where this was going (other than a meet...) - LM
IN TRAINING Well this is well written and it has some good details but it doesn't stand out in the crowd. Sorry. LF
Wonderful opening. Probably some nits if I worked at it <g>—but nothing stopped me as I galloped through this. Marvelous pacing, and action that parallels the physicality of lovemaking without any obvious double entendres until we're whipped into a frenzy and Helena asks, "Is that how you like it?" (Yow!) <g> Showing us what the MC feels, and telling us what he's supposed to feel...um, yes. Exactly. And then ending with a line that pulls back from consummation...Yup. This one worked. <eg> - 1st. SEW.
Cute and nicely done but too close to real life for my liking, personal taste decides, shrug. -dp
Yet more forbidden lust in the form of a teacher-pupil relationship. However the tension is underwritten. It occurs to me that for some people asphyxiation is a sexual act, and the protagonist spends most of the encounter in a choke-hold. I think this has to count as a missed opportunity. DG
Really liked the pacing here. Made me anxious to read on. First EG
Not a sexual situation at all, and therefore no tension. However, it was well done for what it was, and could lead to an interesting story. The characters had some feel to them and could be built up well. MM
Red Queen's Executioner - Lynn Fernandez
I've found myself down the rabbit-hole, and worse yet, I'm not Alice; I'm the Mad Hatter.
The pub was teaming with people. Smoke and talk filled it to the ceiling.
I was watching, waiting. Then I saw James standing in the pub door. The light shown behind him, but I knew that silhouette very well, in light, in dark, clothed or naked, even through the smoky haze.
He walked towards me, weaving through the crowd.
"Jamey," Michael shouted and slapped James on the back. "Good to see you." Michael winked at me. He said something softly to James and laughed. James smiled and caressed my body with his eyes. I was naked before him, and my body warmed under his gaze.
"Beth," James said when he reached me. The crowd pressed us together. His cologne tingled my nose with hot memories. He touched my arm and directed me to a small round table in the corner. Out of habit, I took the chair facing the door.
"How have you been, James?" I asked forcing a smile.
"Good, Beth." He gently took my hand and absently rubbed some warmth into it. "I just returned from America."
"I heard," I said. "Anne told me."
"She was never good at keeping secrets." He let go of my hand and signaled for a couple of ales.
I rested my elbows on the table and leaned towards him. He did the same, and I thought for a moment we would kiss. I looked at his lips remembering the taste, how gentle he was, how good sex was with him. The barmaid interrupted us.
I can't do this. I leaned back and saw Michael vanish into the crowd like the Cheshire cat.
Off with his head, the red queen shouted.
I can't.§
I don't think the first paragraph works. It seems like a totally unrelated tack-on to what follows, and there's something odd about the tense of "I've found myself". "The light shown behind him" - "shone" perhaps? The bit with Michael is rather abrupt, and seems irrelevant to this scene. It reads like we should already know who he is and his relationship to James and Beth. And while the Alice in Wonderland references at the end are consistant with the opening sentence and the title, none of them make any sense to me. - WJSGreat title. Not quite sure what the opening line is supposed to imply, but I'll go with it. The introduction of the two males characters had me a little confused, as did the mention of Anne. More references to Alice in Wonderland that I'm not getting, although the sexual tension is made very clear. - LM
Red Queen's Executioner Mine, a disaster I'm sure. LF
First sentence seems as if it ought to be intriguing—but it isn't, quite—IOW, I've read Lewis Carroll, but saying you're the Mad Hatter vs. Alice doesn't tell me much about your relationship to the Rabbit Hole, but makes me think I should understand...well, you get the picture <g>. Then you've got the "Alice" ending that also tells me nothing, really. IMO, you could bag all the "Alice" references and the story would read just fine—unless you integrate it more into the tone and action of the opening—IOW—this scene is entirely too logical and linear to make me think of Lewis Carroll. Also, I really don't know who the MC is, and what her conflict is. IIRC, the Mad Hatter didn't face any conflicts except the fact that he was crazy—and he wasn't even aware of it <g>. If you can work in the sex, great, but don't let the assignment get in the way of the basics: setting, character, and conflict. - SEW
I liked this enough to vote for it, but others just squeezed it out of the top three. -dp
I can't say the relationship - ménage a trois, serial boyfriends or just plain cheating? - is entirely clear, and there may well be a wider plot evolving in the Red Queen imagery, but this is extremely well written. IMO there's only a single word out of place and that is the use of 'ales' (very rare) instead of 'beers', so strictly peripheral. This doesn't invoke the greatest level of tension amongst the submissions, but I think it does the best job of balancing it with the story. First place. DG
The red queen reference went over my head, but I might read further just to try and figure that out. EG
Confusing. No idea what is happening, and nothing tense about it, nor anything sexual either. Was Michael with Beth? Did he leave her to James? Why? The final line about the red queen made no sense at all. And of course, there was no SF/Fantasy about it. MM
In The Strangest Places - Derek Paterson
It took Baxter most of the morning to drag the case down into the sub-levels. She sat down and took a well deserved rest, during which time she guzzled half a canteen of tepid water and read the instruction manual. Of course it was written in standard military speak. Control system, targeting system, self-defense system, self-destruct system, caliber, rate of fire, full automatic, solid ammunition, flechette, fragmentation, yawn. She rolled her eyes and looked for the Idiot's Guide To Assembling Your Autogun. She found it in one of the Appendices. The author was evidently someone after her own heart, a plain talker who disliked incomprehensible jargon. No surprise that she was also a woman. Step One, open the packing crate. Step Two, lift out the pieces. Step three, put them together starting with Item A and Item B, insert this pivot into this hole and twist clockwise until you hear a click. Baxter laughed out loud and got started.
By mid-afternoon she had the frame erected and hooked up to the hydraulics. The gun support buzzed up and down and left and right in response to her thumb on the manual control. She unwrapped the autogun and in a moment of weakness admired its gleaming silver beauty.
"If you were the only girl in the world," Joubert said, his voice crackling from the PA system. "Oh, wait a second—you are."
"Get lost," Baxter said, though she knew he couldn't hear her.
"Where are you, Lena? Why do you resist me? We're the only two still alive on this damn moon. I want you. I'm coming for you, do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME?"
The strange echo of his voice made her look at the airlock hatch that connected to Joubert's half of the dome.§
Doesn't really sound like my kind of story, but does introduce the essentials of character, conflict, and setting. I don't know that I'd consider Joubert's desires in this context as "sexual tension" though. And his introduction is a little abrupt, the initial "Joubert said" making it sound like he's right there in the room with her and someone we're already familiar with. So far it doesn't promise much more than the plot of a standard action movie, but still makes 3rd place. - WJSFirst graf contains a looooong list that is essentially the TOC for Baxter's instruction manual. Yaaaawn. This is followed by directions for assembling the gun. THEN we get to the good stuff. Joubert's voice, Baxter's immediate reaction. The conflict of being the only two alive on this moon. WOWOW! Start with this, she cries! Third Place Vote. - LM
In The Strangest Places I liked the yawn. That's the way I feel when I read things that are too technical and I still found that too many words were wasted on the weapon. I can't say that it is too original and so far I don't see what will make it rise above the other stories that are similar. LF
The story starts with the third paragraph, IMO—Joubert's song, intriguing and oddly ominous. What comes before is just plain boring. Sorry, but a step-by-step assembly, unless you've already established a sense of urgency, is a big yawn. Why is Baxter assembling the autogun? Does she have a deadline? I feel no sense of sexual conflict, really, but I'm not worrying about that at this point—I need to know why the autogun matters. And if the autogun matters (as opposed to being Baxter's way to kill time <g>), then frankly, I don't think she'd be casually musing about the authorship of the Idiot's Guide. And why is admiring the gun a "moment of weakness"? Dump the beginning graphs, establish the conflict, the danger, and force Baxter to assemble the gun with the clock ticking. My two cents, anyway <g>. - SEW
Mine, clumsy first pass drivel, but to be fair I've been distracted lately, don't shout at me. -dp
The 'over my dead body' approach to sexual tension (let's hope that image doesn't appeal to the largely offscreen Joubert). The autogun scene is nicely realized, although it does mean there's no reference to Joubert until very late. This lack may mean the piece needs one or two reminders/precursors along the lines of 'so, he though he could have his way with her, did he...' or 'not even if he was the last man alive, anywhere' scattered through to show that he's foregrounded in her consciousness. Still and all it's well written, third place. DG
Good beginning and I did want to read more, but I didn't feel a lot of tension here. EG
Not a sexual situation at all, unless guns are sexual, but a good opening scene that could lead to a good story. Nothing identified the people, the scene or the place other than the statement about being on the mood. No description of anything, leaving the reader totally in the dark. Only the gun was real. MM
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2004 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
Now, on to the serious business of passing the bu— I mean, handing over the reins of Administration. The baton goes to.... QUARTERLY RESULTS
<drum roll>
Susan Wing!
Sorry kiddo. <S>
Here's how the quarterly total looks to me. If anyone sees something amiss, kindly let me know—especially if it causes a change in the BOC leadership!
Nov Dec Jan Tot Susan Wing 10 14 16 40 Sara Walker Howe 8 13 16 37 Lisa Mantchev 12 15 27 Wayne Sowry 11 3 12 26 Derek Paterson 3 11 11 25 Lynn Fernandez 5 8 11 24 Erin Garrett 16 16 David Gillon 8 3 11 Sid Gittler 3 3 3 9 Dee-Ann Latona 8 8 Martin MacArthur 7 7 Bill Allen 5 5
