February 2004 Best Openings Contest Results
Dear friends —
My (unofficial) entry—(§ marks 150-word break):
The wet snow scalded her back through holes in her uniform, and the blood on her upper lip tasted like gray silk. Was that what happened in the afterlife? Did consciousness simply weigh anchor and set sail, leaving in its wake a confusion of the senses? SNOW BLINDNESS FOR TWO
Fragments of light flashed left and right over her cheekbones. Her eyes must be open, then. Pain crawled from her shoulders and up her neck as she rolled her head side to side. There! Crumpled silver, just a glimpse. Ah.
She tried to sit up for a better look but something heavy lay across her stomach. As she rolled it out of the way, the obstruction uttered a low moan. Varlas swore as her clearing brain put together the pieces. The other female's blood, not hers. The western icefield, a pregnant human, a torn-up Snow Rover.
Not the afterlife, after all. No such luck.
§
The woman forced shallow breaths, her eyes closed. The child was coming. In the snow between them a paper fluttered in the wind. Varlas lifted herself on one elbow and reached for it. She recognized some of the words, Terran scribblings. With more time and a warm office, she might have enjoyed a leisurely intellectual challenge. But not now. Without further thought, she folded the page and slid it into her wrist translator.
The words crackled into the chill air.
"Good effort by all who participated in this month's BOC—I enjoyed reading such a variety of takes on "waking up" <g>.
"A quick personal impression: I assigned this topic 'cause I've noticed that, in our effort to cram character, conflict, and setting into an opening, we often rush headlong into an unfamiliar SF/F situation, leaving the poor reader in the dust. We need to introduce tension at the outset, yes, but sometimes a story needs to open more slowly—seducing the reader rather than bashing him/her over the head with panic or nonstop action. <g>. Not all of the entries succeeded in doing this—but everyone seemed to be stretching in that direction <g>."
<"Can it, Wing! We want the results!">
"Okay, okay, you people are so impatient! "
<clearing throat>"The clear winner, by a huge margin, proving that everyone loves a good bedtime story, is
Derek Paterson, for 'Duty Calls!"
<"Hahahahah, Derek! A Commanding Lead!">
In second place:
Josh Langston, for 'Leftovers'."
<"Yayyyyyyyy!">
"And just a point behind him, in third place:
Kathi Schwengler, for 'Cold Heart'."
<cybercartwheels!>
Here are the numbers —
FEBRUARY 2004 BOC VOTES:
STORY WRITER 1ST 2ND 3RD VOTED TOTAL Duty Calls Derek Paterson 15 2 3 20 Leftovers Josh Langston 2 5 3 10 Cold Heart Kathi Schwengel 3 2 1 3 9 Temper, Temper Lisa Mantchev 3 1 3 7 Underground Jon Woolf 6 1 7 Chasing Shadows Wayne Sowry 2 3 5 The Red Sand Cave Sara Walker Howe 3 3 A Heavy Footfall Erin Garrett 1 1 (voted only) Sophia Ahmed 3 3 (voted only) AMHorcher* 3 3 (voted only) Sid Gittler 3 3* note: AM voted two third places, but no second place (in case you're wondering why the votes add up funny <g>)
<"So what about the human giving birth in the snow?">
Varlas looked askance at her translator. "What does that have to do with this BOC thing?"
"Nothing. I was just wondering."
Index COLD HEART by Kathi Schwengel
TEMPER, TEMPER by Lisa Mantchev
THE RED SAND CAVE by Sara Walker Howe
CHASING SHADOWS by Wayne Sowry
A HEAVY FOOTFALL by Erin Garrett
UNDERGROUND by Jon Woolf
DUTY CALLS by Derek Paterson
LEFTOVERS by Josh Langston
COLD HEART by Kathi Schwengel
It wasn't the intense light filtering through her eyelids that dragged Lilni from the dark place she had found. It was the rhythmic blast of hot air hitting her bare neck. Each gust followed by just enough of a lull for her body to cool to the frigidness of the stone floor. Her muscles convulsed in one painful shiver and the blast hit again, fluttering the hair across her neck. Between the feathers of her lashes there was nothing but white, or rather, nothing that registered as anything distinct from its surroundings. Another shiver and this time the floor rumbled beneath her as the blast raked across her back. No good trying to hide the fact she was awake. Lilni suddenly had a very good idea where she was and the cold that settled in the pit of her stomach couldn't be warmed.COMMENTS—-
Cold Heart: I liked the alternating hot and cold blasts of air. The line, "Between the feathers of her lashes there was nothing but white, or rather, nothing that registered as anything distinct from its surroundings" didn't quite work, because it says that her eyelashes were feathers and her eyes were pupil-less, and the second half of the sentence then doesn't make sense. I realise this probably isn't what the author meant. I hadn't realised she was trying to hide the fact she was awake, and the intense light mentioned in the first line would have worked better if we had been told about it as she experienced it. The final line was annoying, I'm afraid - the characters should be struggling to know what is going on, not the reader. No points, as I don't think this opening fulfils this BOC's specific criteria of remaining deep within the MC's point of view as they wake.—SA
COLD HEART First two sentences should be combined. A lot of description and not a lot of action... Would have preferred to find out where our main c was. - LM
Smooth read, no blips, very internal, I don't know what's going on but I do have a sense that something will go on in the very near future. FIRST -dp
I thought this was mostly well written, although wasn't too keen on the last sentence. A few nits: the first two sentences start with "It wasn't" and "It was", which I think is a little weak for an opening. "frigidness" - I don't like the sound of this word here, even if it does have the correct meaning. "the blast hit again, fluttering the hair" - to me, "fluttering" is not something that happens in a "blast". For the last sentence, I think get rid of "suddenly", and there's a temporal problem with the cold not being warmed. Saying something couldn't be warmed implies over a fair length of time, which makes me think the story has just moved forward many hours at least, as if this were the end of a chapter. Still, makes second place. - WJS
Snore - this story is still asleep. The name "Lilni" give me an immediate impression the author is stretching to use something exotic to tell me this is SF. Some SF-style action would be more appropriate. As for grabbing my attention and making me want to read on - a big "NO!" Wind-blowing, floor-shaking, but no connection to the character-making. AMH
Cold Heart —' Mechanics are excellent despite a paucity of setting and conflict. I'd read on, but I'm looking for something to happen pretty soon. Makes first pass. Finishes third. —Josh
Cold Heart: Mine. KS
Cold Heart: Lying flat on a stone I can see air blowing on neck but not raking her back. Maybe "air blasted through the stone she'd thought solid and raked her back." Outside of that unless its important then you could cut out most of it before the last line. - SG
Excellent job staying in MC's POV. Evocative sensory language. Hope you let us know what's going on pretty soon, especially with that teaser of a last sentence <g>. Small nits: I'd find a way to break up the paragraph; 150 words in one paragraph is a pretty weighty chunk of text to toss at the reader first thing, IMO <g>. Also—just a personal thing, but I generally don't like to open with a negative. IOW, it's hard for me to grasp where I'm not unless I first have an idea of where I am. Not a bad sentence, just not the best for an opener, IMO. Good work. - Admin.
TEMPER, TEMPER by Lisa Mantchev
Ashes in her mouth.
Edan gagged and coughed out the taste of campfire. Foamy, gray droplets of saliva spattered over her arms. She blinked against the grit in her eyes.
The house must be on fire. Stay low to the ground. Head for the door.
But the only thing that crackled with heat was her own skin, angry and red under her shaking hands. Edan crouched on the floor of her bedroom, eyes flickering wildly to all corners. Over the backpack spilling its contents on the carpet. The unmade bed. And the phone, dangling off the receiver and bleating its displeasure.
I was on the phone with Becca. And she told me...
Mason was cheating on her.
The heat raced along her body, twisted every muscle with fire and painted her vision crimson. Edan whirled around to face the closet mirror and watched in horror as she burst into flames.COMMENTS —
Temper, Temper: Fulfils the criteria for the month, so gets points on that score. Setting and a sense of going somewhere present, but little characterisation. The phrase, "bleating its displeasure" didn't work, for me. These things along with the title mean this opening doesn't place, sorry.—SA
TEMPER, TEMPER Mine - LM
Alas this one left me with the distinct feeling that the next two words of the short-short story would be, "The End." What I Have Learned From This BOC: Don't leave your reader thinking that your protag has just died. -dp
If she didn't burst into flames until the last sentence, where was all the ash and grit coming from? I think the first sentence would have more impact if it just said "Ashes", and perhaps vary the sentence length more. "eyes flickering wildly" - "flickering" doesn't sound like the right verb to me. "Over the backpack..." - I stumbled over this as it's not immediately clear what it's referring to. I initially assumed Edan, but when that didn't make sense I had to stop and re-read to figure out it was talking about her eyes. "dangling off the receiver" - isn't the receiver the bit that would be dangling? "whirled around" - just "whirled" would do. - WJS
The first two and last two sentences were good. Most of what was in-between was gratuitous description, instead of arresting description. How about "Ashes in her mouth . . . campfire. Becca's words ringing in her ears "Mason is cheating on you" Move the action onstage. Has possibilities. Good title. Third-AMH
Temper, Temper — This one definitely got my attention. Can't imagine where it goes from here, but I'd like to find out. Makes first pass. Finishes first. —Josh
>>coughed out the taste of campfire<< Just the use of the word campfire immediately puts me in an outside environment. Then the very next paragraph I'm jerked into a house. That was a rough start. The paragraph beginning with >>But the only thing...<< is cumbersome. Too many fragments. I just can't seem to get into this one. -KS
Honorable Mention and I don't want to know what happened to dear Mason. What held it down was I didn't know if this was opening a short short. - SG
Good horror concept, but a few double takes. "Ashes" feels like the aftermath of a fire to me. Does she burst into flame frequently? Okay, I guess this is possible, but I was a little disoriented by it. Well-crafted, and good effort to stay in MC's POV—also good use of multiple senses. I also wondered why Edan had to whirl around to face the mirror? Wouldn't she know she'd burst into flaming without seeing her reflection? <g>. Almost there - Admin.
THE RED SAND CAVE by Sara Walker Howe
Elizabeth woke to find herself nestled in a pallet softened by sheepskin rugs. A strange buzzing filled her head. Her tongue didn't feel swollen, so it couldn't be a hangover. She hadn't been out drinking last night, just over at David's.
David.
She remembered their fight, so trivial in the wake of everything that'd happened. She remembered the icy roads and plunging into the river. But she didn't know how she ended up naked in the strange cave.
The red-sand walls twinkled, lit by a few candles. The sheepskin rugs she lay in were piled on a rise in the stone floor. An animal skin curtained the doorway. Otherwise, there were no other objects in the room. Not even her clothes.
The room smelled of musk and wine, remnant of previous occupants. A low sound drew Elizabeth's attention; primitive and carnal, it seemed to come from deep within the caves.COMMENTS —
The Red Sand Cave: Conflict and setting present, but the description lacks her unique perspective on it, and we are not deep within her point of view as was required. The resulting lack of a sense of her character means this falls short of placing.—SA
THE RED SAND CAVE Interesting for our main c to wake up in a cave, but other than a good feeling for the setting, I didn't connect with this piece. - LM
A pity there wasn't something in the room, er, cave, that would have given Elizabeth (and me) some hint of who lives here. Almost got a vote, but not quite. -dp
Not sure why, but I find it hard to get interested in this. Girl drives into river and wakes up back in time (presumably) in a cave somewhere: kind of like Catweasle in reverse. Other than the fact she's not in Kansas any more, there's no real conflict here. I have a feeling we're in for a long drawn-out period of discovery as she finds out where she is, and presumably tries to figure out how to get back home again. A few nits: "in" a pallet and "in" a sheepskin rug? "so trivial in the wake of everything that'd happened" - what "everything" is that? It sounds like she had a fight with David, drove away, and into the river, which to me doesn't sound like a long-enough sequence of events to refer to as "everything that had happened". "Otherwise, there were no other objects" - an echo on "other". "deep within the caves" - a rather abrupt way of turning one cave into many. - WJS
Weak title. Not great to start with a name of a character, an unknown character at that. The detail about the fight and the river belongs later. The fourth paragraph seems to be the one to start with. Put your POV in danger and then make us wonder how they get out of it. No vote. - AMH
The Red Sand Cave — Lots of backstory here, possibly too much. POVC seems oddly lacking in emotion. I suspect the author wouldn't be nearly so calm and objective in similar straits. Makes first pass. Honorable Mention. —Josh
Nothing overtly wrong here, just didn't do a lot to get me interested. Transitions seem jarring to me. >>plunging into the river. But she didn't know<< It needs to flow better. - KS
The Red Sand Cave: At first she's on a pallet and then on a rise. Or is the pallet on the rise? Either way I gave this a first mainly because I can envision this going off in so many ways which I like in an opening. - SG
A good effort here to stay in MC's POV and to follow the topic guidelines. What I miss is a sense of tension or urgency—which I certainly would expect if I woke up in a strange place. (Okay—a lot of my characters accept strangeness as a matter of course <g>—but that's magic realism, and I don't think you're going for that here). Moving right along—The MC's thought process feels too leisurely. Even verbs like "twinkled" and "softened" undermine any sense of threat. A bit of trimming would intensify the images, as well, e.g. Do we need to know that the buzzing is "strange" ? AFAIK, any buzzing in the head is strange <g>. And a couple of her reflections seem too level-headed or sensible, given the situation, e.g. acknowledging the triviality of the argument, stating the smells were remnants of previous occupants (how would she know this?). The situation shows promise, but the words need tightening and more careful selection, IMO. - Admin.
CHASING SHADOWS by Wayne Sowry
I force my foot forward, up another step. The staircase empties onto a dark landing, where all is silent, the bedroom doors closed. I don't want to go there. The voice is soft, comforting. It knows I'm scared, yet urges me on, pleading for me to continue and see what's there.
The dull crunch comes again.
My heart hammers in my chest. A bead of sweat breaks from the pool at my temple and drips onto my glasses, obscuring my view. The noise seems to be coming from the end room where my husband sleeps. Something about the sound terrifies me. I want to turn, rush back down the stairs and away.
"The door, Lauren. Go towards the door."
The door opens. A vague shadow... I scream.
=*=*=
SNAP!
The hallway disappeared and I was back in the chair, the hypnotist watching me intently.
"It's okay," he said. "He's gone now."COMMENTS —
Chasing Shadows: Was disappointed that the 'he' in the final sentence wasn't an 'it'. :) Otherwise, interesting: hints of setting, conflict and character present, but the overall opening feels familiar and overdone. Would read on a little to see what happens, though. SECOND.—SA
CHASING SHADOWS Different, in that we got the set-up before our main c "woke up". Not crazy about stories in the present tense, even when I find out it was hypnosis... - LM
Must've been a big drop of sweat to obscure the spectacle lenses... Just a little bit more sensation (in addition to the solitary crunch sound FX) could easily have swung this one a vote. All thought no thrill. -dp
Mine. - WJS
This sounds more like a middle to a story. There is not enough action/setting to suck the reader in. If there is a dream sequence, it should have more action in it instead of walking around. No vote. - AMH
Chasing Shadows — Opening dream/trance sequence has the feel of a movie scene I've watched innumerable times. The only difference is that this early in the tale I really have no reason to care about the POVC. The writing is competent, however, so I'd probably read on. Makes first pass. —Honorable Mention. —Josh Chasing Shadows I don't know... I guess there was just no one or nothing that I could relate to so I didn't feel the need to move along. I felt like I had come in at the middle of something. >>the bedroom doors closed.<< Is there a typo here? Should we be reading >>the bedroom doors were closed<<? Or did the bedroom doors close as the MC approached? >>The dull crunch comes again.<< It does? Did it come once before? - KS
Chasing Shadows: While I'd read more I felt cheated by the ending. - SG
Hmm. An intriguing situation, but I'm really in the dark, and I'd like to know ASAP who "he" is. Also, just a couple of "personal preference" nits: I see how you tried to distinguish trance from reality by switching tenses, but it's jarring, IMO. I think it works just fine if you write in the past tense throughout. Also—I have this thing about stories that open with dreams, trances, spells or any other state of being that isn't the story's predominant plane of existence. I'd just as soon use the setting with the hypnotist to introduce or frame the trance scenes. <shrug>. (I did like the sentence about the bead of sweat dripping onto the MC's glasses. Excellent detail) —Admin.
A HEAVY FOOTFALL by Erin Garrett
Gypsum had a faint feeling of warmth as the cloudy dream images faded. She could hear, and feel, a strong thrumming. Her eyelids felt impossibly heavy and refused to open. She blindly tried to move her hands but found them restrained. When she tried to move her legs, she found they did move, but very slowly, as if still in a dream. Maybe she was dreaming still; that would explain why she could not move normally. But the pain in her head felt too real to be a dream. So was the sharp taste of metal in her mouth. She gagged against a tube as she tried to swallow. What the hell was going on? Panic began to creep into her consciousness as she pulled her arms more desperately. Was she in liquid? Suddenly, she felt a sharp stab in her side and she began to flail against the restraints.COMMENTS —
A Heavy Footfall: Conflict, but little setting and no characterisation present. The descriptions used give little to no information. Points for staying within her point of view as required, but it's not enough to place, sorry.—SA
A HEAVY FOOTFALL Another description-heavy entry. Couldn't get a handle on character or setting, just her confusion and disorientation. - LM
The subtle little hint of SF (awakening from cryosleep or similar?) made me curious enough to want to read on. THIRD. -dp
Too many adverbs and the writing is not active enough, with a lot of feeling and finding and events beginning to happen. There are also too many short, similar-length sentences. - WJS
Starting with a name - a name does not equal a character. The detail about the taste of metal is good. How does she know she is in restraints? "Panic creeping" is not action. Don't tell me about it - have the character react to show it. No vote - AMH
A Heavy Footfall — "Gypsum?" Sorry, but with that name in mind, all I could think about was sentient drywall. It sorta fits, too: blind and immobile—nailed in place most likely. A tad more setting, possibly revealed via the other senses, and a little less reliance on visuals (or impossibility of same) might help. I'll wait for the rewrite. —Josh
This one suffered from way too much telling and not enough showing. That, I think, was it's major flaw. >>She blindly tried to move her hands but found them restrained.<< First, you don't need to see to move your hands so the "blindly" seems unnecessary. Secondly, show us her hands (although I'm guessing it's really her arms) are restrained. "A leather strap bit into her wrist as she tried to lift her hand." or something to that effect. - KS
A Heavy Footfall: Guess I felt as confused as the character. - SG
Good job staying in MC's POV, and I sense that the situation's pretty tense—but you need to support it with stronger verbs—Otherwise the piece kind of ambles along, without much propulsion. e.g., you used "feeling," "feel" or "felt" five times in the paragraph, "began to" twice, and "found" twice. All of these are weak verbs as you use them—IOW, they don't really pull their own weight in depicting the scene or situation. Also, try breaking up the paragraph a bit. An uninterrupted block of 150 words isn't the most welcoming opening, IMO <g>. - Admin.
UNDERGROUND by Jon Woolf
Hallek groaned softly and opened his eyes. The instant pounding in his head made him squeeze them tight shut again. "Wha' happened...?" The last thing he remembered was Dellek shouting for him to take cover.
He opened his eyes again and looked around. Or rather, he tried to—the darkness was so complete that he wasn't sure if his eyes were really open or not. Automatically he drew out his glowstone, and it began to shine. Soon he could see dim shapes. Two darkling warriors lay dead on the floor, partly covered by a rockfall. But there was no sign of the darkling mage—had he escaped, to put his plan into action?
"Wait a minute... if I'm still here —" He turned and looked to the far end of the cavern. The passage there was partially blocked, but still passable. "They never came back for me?"COMMENTS —
Underground: Smooth writing, but having the character speak aloud upon waking to an unknown situation smacks of stupidity and put me right off him. Conflict and setting, but no characterisation (unless that he is stupid is what the author is trying to get across - it could be), and we are not deep within his point of view. THIRD for being interesting, though.—SA
UNDERGROUND Strong opening. Got a clear idea of setting and character, as well as what might happen next. Second place vote. - LM
Hmmm, lone character who talks to himself, in a world populated by Hallecks, Daleks, Mallecks and Fallecks (I'm assuming, based on evidence...). It's not quite calling to me... Could be that last paragraph, if something had actually moved or made a sound or happened...? -dp
Why would opening his eyes cause an instant pounding in his head, since it's completely dark? I thought it was the light and perhaps movement that did that. "squeeze them tight shut again ... opened his eyes again" - I think better to avoid using "again" twice like this. "to put his plan into action?" - I think this is somewhat unnecessary, as it's stating the obvious. After all, what's the alternative: "had he escaped, to go live quietly on an island somewhere for the rest of this life?" Generally not bad, but doesn't make a place. - WJS
Starts with a name, not a character. Then we have another name, "Dellek", and still no character. The 2nd paragraph is actually a stronger opening. And then we get the "darkling" stuff with no description, just a name. And then a reference to a mysterious plan and a mage. It seems like the author is lining up some stock elements on stage to start a RPG, not a story. No vote. - AMH
Underground — "Instant pounding in his head" instantly took me out of the story. I have no idea what a "darkling warrior" is, but since they're dead I guess it doesn't matter. That some anonymous "they" never came back for the POVC could be either good or bad, but I can't tell from the excerpt. —Josh
Gets my 2nd place vote. >>Automatically he drew out his glowstone, and it began to shine.<< Very awkward. Other than that, I don't have much to nit about. Well, perhaps, too many, comas? <G> I would read on for a bit but you better do something to keep me going past that bit. - KS
Underground: Oh a pissed off Hallek, way cool. Nice setting description. 2nd. - SG
Good work staying in MC POV. The scene unfolds at the right speed for me, with backstory woven in to give me some context. The similarity of the names is going to give me problems, I know <g>. Clever twist, trying to look around followed by doubt that sight was possible in the darkness. Good stick the dead bad guys in the scene. Obviously the MC is still in jeopardy, and your last sentence confirms it. The last graph is a bit of a leap for me—feels as if you've eliminated a transistion. — Admin.
DUTY CALLS by Derek Paterson
The voices annoyed her. Why couldn't they just let her sleep? She pulled the pillow over her head and snuggled deeper under the wonderfully warm fur blanket. The voices became a barely heard insect buzzing. Her dreams called to her, caressed her, stroked her gently. She tumbled headlong into bliss—
"Try kissing her again!" The voice dared intrude! She imagined its owner must be an old man, overweight and out of breath after climbing the tower's 312 stairs.
"It was all I could do to kiss her the first time," another voice said, and this one sparked a reluctant interest in her heart. The dream mist parted and a handsome dark-haired young prince stepped forward, his perfect smile and twinkling green eyes filled with promise.
"Again, I said!" the older man huffed.
Chill air sighed on her neck as hands pulled back her blanket and lifted her pillow away.COMMENTS —
Duty Calls: Has conflict, character and setting, and fulfils BOC requirement for the month. FIRST.—SA
DUTY CALLS Hee hee. Loved this one, but I'm a sucker for a twisted fairy tale. First place vote. - LM
Mine. As usual, when the going gets tough the useless men have to call upon a spunky girl to solve their problems. -dp
I like a good fairy tale <g>. Just a few nits with some of the words and phrases used. "the wonderfully warm fur blanket" - I think better without the adverb. "The voices became a barely heard insect buzzing" - perhaps use a more active verb than "became": "The voices muted to the soft buzz of barely-heard insects." "The voice dared intrude!" - no need for the exclamation mark. "another voice said, and this one sparked a reluctant interest" - perhaps just "another voice said, sparking a reluctant interest ". "a handsome dark-haired young prince" - a bit too fairy tale-ish <g>. "and lifted her pillow away" - if this has only happened now, how could she earlier see the prince step forward and that he had a perfect smile and green eyes? Still, nice enough for first place. - WJS
Finally an opening that doesn't begin with a name! This is the way to introduce a character - several, in fact. Good detail, and some interesting developments immediately. Definite top of the heap. Good title - fits the story fragment and excites the reader's interest. First - AMH
Duty Calls — Thought this might be an interesting play on Sleeping Beauty, though it's too early in the story to know. Writing is competent; opening demonstrates a smattering of character, setting and conflict. Makes first pass. Finishes second. —Josh
Gets my 1st place vote. Smooth right from the start. The only thing I have to questions is why the prince would be smiling about kissing her a second time when he quips, "It was all I could do to kiss her the first time." That says to me that he really doesn't want to be kissing her. I'd read on. -KS
Duty Calls: Honorable Mention. Nice use of old story but I'm really not sure if Prince really wants to wake her up if she's kvetching in her sleep. - SG
Funny, well-crafted. Lots of personality in the language, a clear voice for the MC. Fulfills all of the requirements and makes to want to read on, to figure what the heck you're doing with Sleeping Beauty <g>. Good work throwing in some intriguing loose ends, without confusing us in the process, e.g. what about those dreams of hers? <g>—and what does the prince mean with "It was all I could do to kiss her the first time"?—this promises entertaining upheaval of the old tale <g>. - Admin.
LEFTOVERS by Josh Langston
"Any left, Jake?" Toby asked from his perch near the front of the storage chamber.
"Two," Jake said. "We gonna thaw 'em both?"
"Yep. Since those First Gens in the Tacoma Complex carried to term, everybody's sayin' the plague's over. No need to keep breeders on ice any more."
"Like we had an unlimited supply," Jake muttered. He pressed a button which brought the bodies forward. Put in stasis with their hands overhead, the "sleepers" hung from numbered hooks on a flexible track.
In the beginning, those restored included people with essential skills. Now they were down to leftovers.
Jake called out the numbers of the last pair and prepped them for reanimation while Toby reviewed their log entries. "Just what we need: an ecdysiast and a prestidigitator."
"Which is which?"
"Beats me," Toby said. "I quit tryin' to understand the old jobs when we thawed out a third-base coach."COMMENTS —
Leftovers: Sorry... no sense of going anywhere, doesn't fulfil BOC requirement of being deep in the waker's point of view, and the hints of setting suggest a story background that doesn't make logical sense. Had to look up 'ecdysiast' - unless this profession is pertinent to the story, do uninformed readers like me need to be discouraged so early on? No points.—SA
LEFTOVERS Clever, but another entry where the actual character didn't do the waking up. Still, funny enough to rate a third place vote. - LM
Nutty enough to appeal to this nut. SECOND -dp
I think this has too much intro before meeting the MC, who I gather is neither Jake nor Toby since it's supposed to be the person waking up. There's also no obvious POV, so I really don't know who I'm supposed to be associating with here. Otherwise it's quite well written, although from the three "old jobs" mentioned, I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a comedy. Makes third place. - WJS
Good title. Great joke at the end. Third paragraph gets a little obtuse. Starts funny, goes off-track, and then comes back on. Decide whether you want to stay funny or get scientific. Third. - AMH
Leftovers — Mine. —JL
3rd place. This would have ranked higher but I don't feel it really filled the "waking up from the character's view" stipulation. The third paragraph seems like a stilted info dump glazed over in the guise of dialogue but I can get past it. I don't get the feeling that Jake & Toby are rocket scientists so to have them using "ecdysiast" & "prestidigitator" seems out of character. Plus, they are just disruptive words to the flow of the writing— KS
Leftovers: 3rd for nice twist in people not cows and then the great ending. - SG
You save the vagueness of the first sentence with the intrigue (e.g. "thaw 'em out") of the second. Like the concept of "leftovers"—suggests something about the society of this story—i.e. it's a funny idea, but tragic at the same time. Love the last line, but sheesh, what's an ecdysiast? <g>. Only nit—ISTM we haven't yet met our MC—I'm okay with that, but we need to meet him/her/it pretty darn soon, okay? <g> - Admin.
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2004 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
