Congratulations to Josh for bagging the most votes! December 2004 Best Openings Contest Entries
Marsi and Susan were breathing down his neck and tied for second.
Here's all the scores:
1st 2nd 3rd -ly Vote Tot The Legend of Weewatumpka - Josh 2 3 1 x 1 16 An Element of Fear - Marsi 2 1 3 x 1 14 Piano Man - Susan 2 2 1 x 1 14 A Wedding of Convenience - Derek 2 x 1 -2 1 8 The Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma - Kevin 1 1 1 -1 1 8 Miss Emily’s Parlor - Micha 1 1 x x 1 8 Dear Fergus - Andy x 2 x x 1 7 No Entry - Sophia 1 3 No Entry - Wayne 1 3 No Entry - Sid 1 3I've saved all the comments in RTF and will attach them to this post. Please let me know if you have trouble downloading or if you discover any math errors above (hopefully the formatting holds--well, it didn't, so I'm trying something different. If it still looks goofy, there's a copy of the vote breakdown in the attached file). And thanks to everyone for participating.
Index A Wedding of Inconvenience
Miss Emily’s Parlor
The Legend of Weewatumpka (Alabama)
Dear Fergus,
An Element of Fear
Piano Man
The Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma
A Wedding of Inconvenience
As their coach turned up the cobblestoned road that led into the fortress town of Loftbraz, Gretzel opened her window, admitting a flurry of snow, and stuck her head out to inspect her new home.
"I don't like the look of it," she confided to her maid-companion, Lydia. "The towers are too pointy. The rooftops are ugly. Its architecture is... common, if you ask me."
"Tough cheese, my lady," Lydia said, unconcerned. "It might not be a fairy palace but its walls are thick, and the House Guard is efficient. We'll sleep safely tonight. That's good enough for me."
Gretzel frowned. Lydia was right of course, but there was no need to lower one's standards. She sat back and said, "I'm cold. Close my window."
Lydia smiled crookedly and leaned across Gretzel. The dagger took her in the throat, punching her back into her seat. The driver cried: "Assassin!"§ A Wedding of Inconvenience: I think it would have been better if Gretzel had just screamed – my immediate thought was; how does the driver know what’s going on in the carriage? Other than that it didn’t really grab my attention. AndiA Wedding of Inconvenience: Nice, quick start. Sounds like it will be an interesting and action-packed story. Have no hint of how capable Gretzel might be, and hope that will be illustrated soon. Would definitely read on. FIRST. I think the last line should be on a new line. - SA
A Wedding of Inconvenience: Ah, gothic horror/off-on romance, I assume. The author has skilfully surmounted the word limitation to give the reader an effective setting, characters and action. Bravo! First Kevin
Wedding of Inconvenience--I liked this entry okay until I reached the end. The end felt rushed, as if the writer wanted to get out the information there was an assassin. I wasn’t sure how the driver knew it was an assassin that had attacked Lydia. I had to read through twice to be sure Lydia was the one attacked. I couldn’t understand why so much time was spent on Gretzel’s opinions of Loftbraz. Couldn't that have come later??? I also wondered why there was no reaction from Gretzel when Lydia was killed. Was Lydia killed? I assume so. I might have read on a little further, but no vote. --Marsi
A Wedding of Inconvenience - I might read on if nothing else caught my eye. I didn't like the dialogue; it didn't seem to 'fit' the timeframe I picture with a coach and fortress town. Might just be me but how does a dagger punch someone back into a seat? Sorry, no vote. Micha
A Wedding of Inconvenience: One -ly adverb crept in there (crookedly). I think starting with an "as" phrase reduces the impact of the opening. It might be better to start with the main action and work in the coach bit later, perhaps something like: "Gretzel opened her window, admitting a flurry of snow, and stuck her head out to inspect her new home. ‘I don’t like the look of it,’ she confided to her maid-companion, Lydia, as the coach turned up the cobblestoned road that led into the fortress town of Loftbraz." And I don’t think the word "punching" gives the best image there. If she’s leaning across another person to the window, I don’t think anyone stabbing her in the throat is going to use enough force to push her weight upright again and slam her back into the seat - unless perhaps it’s some sort of gorilla
. - WJS A Wedding of Inconvenience: Mine. Spot the hastily trimmed-down ending! Which didn't seem so stupid at time of submission as it does now. -dp
A WEDDING OF INCONVENIENCE I read this several times and call me clueless, but I still can't figure out who got stabbed, where the dagger came from, and how the driver knows what's happening in the coach unless someone screams, and... You see, I was totally confused about what is actually happening here. And then I realized that I didn't particularly like either of the characters, so I didn't particularly care if one of them was being assassinated. Gretzel's a spoiled brat, and Lydia's just plain odd, what with the anachronistic "tough cheese." Now her oddness might hold my interest, if you spent some more time developing these characters and their relationship and the marriage that's looming in the future -- but all of this is sabotaged by the knife scene, IMO. IOW, too much action, too soon. -- SEW
A Wedding of Inconvenience -- Great imagery in the opening sentence, and the dialog in graf two reveals a great deal about Gretzel. Not sure about the "tough cheese" reference. While undeniably funny, it feels anachronistic, assuming this is a period piece. The unfortunate demise of Gretzel’s companion certainly plunges the reader into the story, but I wonder if author isn’t sending mixed messages. Makes first pass. Finishes Third. Good Stuff. --Josh
A Wedding of Inconvenience: Came close to a vote because of good sense of place and the two characters. I guess what held me back can my symbolized by your killing of the more likable character. - Sid
I suffered some confusion on first reading as to who was stabbed. Finally I guessed it had to be Gretzel, but then again Lydia was leaning forward when we’re told that the victim was punched back into her seat.
(Oh, and the Style Nazi charged two demerits for _safely_ and _crookedly._ ) - Admin.
Miss Emily’s Parlor
Miss Emily detested sharing—a peccadillo she discovered upon going to work for Peaceful Havens Mortuary. It was criminal to turn her masterpieces over after she slaved to imbue them with color and beauty. She made the dead perfect then was forced to give them away to those who claimed love for them.
No longer.
Now she created for herself.
A delightful shiver ran through Miss Emily.
It was such a wonderful night for murder. A suitor here, a beau there—soon twelve would grace her parlor, quite a well-rounded number for entertaining.
She scrutinized her current conquest with a critical eye—Perhaps a touch more makeup. Her gentlemen could never look sallow or imperfect. Any beau of hers must be flawless, as was she. He must be gallant. He must be proper. And above all else, he must be hers alone.§ Miss Emily’s Parlor: Nah – feels familiar, been done to death. AndiMiss Emily’s Parlor: I’m not sure what is happening in this opening, and what the MC wants to have happen. Consequently, there was no tension in it for me. Are we talking necrophilia here? I wasn’t drawn to the language style. Sorry, wouldn’t read on. - SA
Miss Emily’s Parlour: This is not an opening! It is a beautifully crafted, delightful, complete short story. As such, I love it as described, but as an opening I would like to see what the author has in mind for further development. Kevin
Miss Emily’s Parlor--First Place--I enjoyed the voice of this entry. It caught my interest and read easily. --Marsi
Miss Emily's Parlor – Mine
Miss Emily’s Parlor: This started off nicely with a macabre tone that was interesting. However, the mention of murdering people pretty much ruined the build-up and changed it to a simple murder story. I think it would perhaps be more interesting if the story could focus just on Emily and her doings at the mortuary without actually mentioning how or where she obtained her subjects. That part could perhaps be gleened slowly as the story went along. I could then see this making a good short story. - WJS
Miss Emily's Parlor: Cute, but I've no sense of story to come, it's like a snapshot, the end. -dp
MISS EMILY'S PARLOR This entry got a vote from me because you have an interesting character, setting, and obvious conflict in the future, based on Miss Emily's obsession. The writing, however, didn't help. The first paragraph reads like a cover blurb or story synopsis, IMO, rather than the opening paragraph of a story. Overall, too much telling, -- which is a shame, but you have wonderful opportunities for _showing_, IMO. Imagine Miss Emily preparing one of her masterpieces, selecting equipment as carefully as a painter selects brushes and tints and prepares her canvas. We don't need to know why she's doing all of this quite so soon -- it's enough that we're dealing with a person who is obsessed with her craft. Also -- I doubt that Miss Emily would so crassly refer to her activities as "murder." Her refined self-image as an artist and a perfectionist is far creepier, IMO. So show me what she's doing, and bag the explanation for later. -- 2nd place - SEW.
Miss Emily’s Parlor – I think I dated Miss Emily in a previous life.
The opening sentence captured my attention on the strength of its bizarreness. What, after all, would one be forced to share while working at a mortuary. The answer, unfortunately, doesn’t do anything for me. While well-written, this opening doesn’t inspire me to read on. Sorry, no vote. –Josh Miss Emily's Parlor: Ah the crazed mortician feminized. Does the men being the corpses make necrophelia impossible? This inquiring mind isn't inquiring. - Sid
This could be the start of a nice little tongue-in-cheek horror tale, and though it’s not threatening to give me the shivers yet, I’ll read on a bit. - Admin.
The Legend of Weewatumpka (Alabama)
Woodrow Hewitt, my grandfather, always thought it hilarious that I had a birthmark on my butt. He remarked on it often when I was a teen and delighted in raising the topic on those rare occasions when I was foolish enough to bring a date home. For reasons I never understood and which remain among the most unfair of my life's circumstances, he made no mention of similar disfigurations on the backsides of two of my thirty-eight cousins.
Not that his preoccupation with the purple splotch on my ass wasn't enough; I hated him for lots of other things, too. However, I admit, the birthmark issue lay at the heart of it. I never dreamed it would become an even bigger deal once Woody was dead.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Better to start at the beginning, which, for the purpose of this narrative, was Woody's funeral.§ The Legend of Weewatumpka (Alabama): I like this – a certain element of humour that I like – I would read further. (Second) AndiThe Legend of Weewatumpka (Alabama): Okay writing, but the teasing about a birthmark being a reason to hate the grandfather sounds completely ridiculous and implausible. It would be a reason to hate if it was tied up with a history of abuse, for example, and that isn’t outright hinted at. The final hook sentence felt unnecessary and spoiled the flow of the opening up to that point. Wouldn’t read on. - SA
The Legend of Weewatumpka ( Alabama): A touch of the supernatural with this entry. I hope I’m right and that there is a trinity of three involving the unfortunately birthmarked ones. Second Kevin
The Legend of Weewatumpka (Alabama)--There was nothing wrong with this entry, other than it didn’t catch my interest. The beginning subject wasn’t enough to catch my interest. No vote. --Marsi
The Legend of Weewatumpka (Alabama) -
perhaps another point in the story might be a better place to start? I'm sure someone somewhere appreciates a story opening with a birthmark on a behind but that person is not me. Sorry, no vote. Micha The Legend of Weewatumpka (Alabama): A nice start to what could be an interesting story. I’d certainly read on. A close runner-up this month. Second place. - WJS
The Legend of Weewatumpka (Alabama): A ponderous, meandering, telling style -- but likeable. THIRD. -dp
THE LEGEND OF WEEWATRUMPKA (ALABAMA) Good opening sentence -- nothing fancy, but establishes down-home storytelling tone -- which is often an exception to the showing vs. telling rule. We'll want to see something happen pretty soon, and the last sentence of the opening promises that -- but storytelling/memoir often can start with reflection, especially in the first person. It helps if the opening is smoothly written and gives a sense of the MC's attitudes and the existence of deeper confict -- I'd read on. - 1st place - SEW
Legend of Weewatumpka – Mine. Sorry. Just trying to come up with a new story to go with a scene I wrote long ago. –Josh
The Legend of W. AL.: 1st Place because I sympathize with Woody's grandkid. Almost said grandson but realized that no hint of the gender of the narrator and that so far it didn't matter. - Sid
General consensus is writer carries off expositional opening, and I agree. I wonder if anybody guessed it was Josh?
- Admin.
Dear Fergus,
I was so saddened to hear of your mishap at the Academy as I know it would have been no fault of yours.
Fitzhenry has spoken to the Masters and the treasury will pay for the damage. The young woman’s parents seem satisfied with the compensation, after all, her wits and eyesight will return in time and I am sure her hair will look fine with this years fashion for shorter locks.
I cannot say I approve of the friends you have made at the Academy; two young men rode to the house yesterday (what is the fashion these days for dark clothes and rough beards?), they seemed most eager to find you, after I told them of the inn you were staying at they rode off in most indecent haste.
I hope you enjoy your little holiday and please write when you have returned to school.
Mama§ Dear Fergus: Mine. AndiDear Fergus: Liked this. Good hints about interesting events, but I have no idea how the rest of this story will be told. I’d read on to see, however. Some grammar errors. SECOND. - SA
Dear Fergus: A doting, dim mother I can live with, as they are great comedy elements. I think she gave up Fergus a little too easily when his ‘friends’ came calling. Bit puzzled about Fergus as he could be anything from a vicious thug to a clumsy nincompoop depending on what kind of Academy he is attending. I would read further as I would like to find out how the girl was damaged so badly. Kevin
Dear Fergus--I really wasn’t sure where this was going at all. I didn’t understand why the entry started with this letter. I would not have read further, as there was nothing to catch or hold my interest. No vote. --Marsi
Dear Fergus: Didn't catch or hold my interest. Sorry, no vote. Micha
Dear Fergus: Can’t think of much to say about this one other than it doesn’t really appeal to me. As an opening, I don’t think it works all that well in that it’s just talking about the character and is relating what has already happened. There’s no current action, so it doesn’t have much impact. And this is not helped by starting off with passive voice. - WJS
Dear Fergus: Reminded me of the "letter from an Irish mother to her son" joke of yesteryear, "Dear Son, I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you don't read very fast..." So it was over familiar to me and as a result, maybe didn't have as much impact as author hoped, so sorry. I could see the bits that are maybe going to make up the main story, but this seemed an odd way to intro. -dp
DEAR FERGUS Hmm. I can see the attempt at humor, which might work if this letter occurred farther into a story -- when we have some idea of time, place, characters, anything at all. As it is, the letter is a found object with no context, so I'm not sure at all how to respond to it. Nothing particularly wrong in the writing, but not an effective opening, IMO. - SEW
Dear Fergus – Though the shared letters format has been around for ages, this makes excellent use of it. A clever and amusing opening. Well done. Makes first pass. Finishes Second. Nice work. --Josh
Dear Fergus: Poor poor Fergus. One can see how he turned out the way he did with such a Mama. What's of interest is if there'll be more since I get left with the impression that he will not survive seeing his "friends." - Sid
Not bad at all, though a tad reserved. I didn’t mind the epistolatory opening, but I thought the conflict could’ve been revved up a bit. Maybe Mama relates that the two rough-looking dudes set her barn on fire while they were questioning her!
- Admin.
An Element of Fear
Johnny wanted to kill.
He’d start with the warbling geezer, who was his sole companion in the windowless cellblock. But the bastard Warden, who’d tossed him here, would get it too.
Both were going to die.
"Shut up, Lester! I’ve listened to you sing about your damn wolf three days now! I can’t take anymore."
When the lunatic’s creepy melody continued to drift across the aisle, a knot of desperate rage twisted inside Johnny. He grabbed his cell bars and shook them hard. "Did you hear me?" he screamed. "I said, shut up!"
Lester stopped singing and turned to stare at Johnny. "Can you smell the wolf?" he asked then sniffed at the air like an animal scenting prey. "Because he can smell you."
The hair on the back of Johnny’s neck stood straight up. "Fu you!"
"You smell of fear." Lester whispered. "My preferred spice for tough-assed meat."§ An Element of Fear: Ohh – I like this – nicely written, I would defiantly read further. (First) AndiAn Element of Fear: The "Both were going to die." was just repeating the information given in the second sentence. The dialogue felt forced, but otherwise the opening was okay. Hasn’t caught my interest particularly, though, as the MC wanting to kill isn't enough of a hook when there isn't any hint of a way to accomplish it. THIRD. - SA
An Element of Fear: Conflict, setting all sketched in and good characterisation. I would lose the ‘hook’ opening line as – to me - it lacks the impact that, ‘both were going to die’ does later. Third Kevin
An Element of Fear--Mine (Marsi)
An Element of Fear – Intriguing. Caught my interest from the start, held it until the end along with raising the hair on my arms. 1st Place. - Micha
An Element of Fear: Not really my kind of story, but well-enough written. If I was disposed to read such a story, then I think I’d keep reading with this one. Third place. - WJS
An Element of Fear: Engaged my curiosity reflex, which is a good thing. SECOND. -dp
AN ELEMENT OF FEAR The opening line might intrigue some readers. I found it irritating, because it made me dislike Johnny before I'd ever met him. So I really didn't care what happened to him, and was, in fact, hoping that Lester and he would kill each other so I wouldn't have to deal with either of them. This scene might have power if the characters have been developed earlier, so that I _would_ care about them, or understand why they were in prison, at least. - SEW
An Element of Fear -- I think this one just has too many characters for a 150-word opening. The shift from warbling geezer to warden to Lester overloads the reader. I suspect it’d work better just to leave out grafs two and three. Sorry, no vote. –Josh
The threat of impending violence works for me. I do think one takes a risk of losing reader interest if no sympathetic character emerges, but maybe writer has one up her sleeve. - Admin.
Piano Man
When Billy Strand went to the crapper, he left his white slacks and dinner jacket at the keyboard playing "Embraceable You."
That was the popular wisdom, anyway.
Not that any of us had ever seen the man weaving through the Warwick in his boxers, but we couldn’t picture him ever leaving that piano bench either. Given two outlandish images, we stuck with the one we liked better: Billy would sing and play his never-empty repertoire of smooth, while we’d make out, break up, make up, and grow up to his music.
So trust me, news of Billy’s farewell concert spread like a sore. Popular wisdom pegged it for nothing more than a nasty rumor, but I sold it to my editor as the biggest human-interest story in years. I had my reasons. If Billy was going to drag my memories into retirement, I sure as hell wanted to be there.§ PIANO MAN: I like the “white slacks” scenario, nice touch, not sure I would read further though, maybe because it’s just doesn’t feel like my preferred genre. AndiPiano Man: The writing is smooth, but there is no tension. I don’t care at all about this character’s memories, and see no reason to read on. I’d maybe give it another line in case something different happens. - SA
Piano Man: I don’t like the title. It is bland and uninteresting and then finding the opening reflects it, spoils the opening. There is nothing to grab me in the description of Billy and his music. Kevin
Piano Man--Second Place--I enjoyed the voice of this entry. I wasn’t quite sure how he left his white slacks and dinner jacket at the keyboard playing "Embraceable You", but I liked the entry nonetheless. It read smooth. I would have read further to find out what was happening. --Marsi
PIANO MAN – Interesting opening-- I'd read on to see where the au was going with this one. 2nd Place – Micha
Piano Man: I like this and think it has a lot of promise. The only little thing that grated to me was saying the news spread like a sore. Firstly, I don’t think a sore matches the tone of the news, and secondly, sores don’t always (or even often) spread. First place. - WJS
Piano Man: Too whimsical for my tastes. Which doesn't mean it isn't a good enough opening. -dp
PIANO MAN Mine - SEW
Piano Man -- Well done. I liked everything about this opening except the "spread like a sore" simile. While certainly original, it’s a forced fit in this circumstance. Anyway, I’d certainly read on. Makes first pass. Finishes First. Well done. --Josh
Piano Man: 3rd for the imagery of the opening paragraph. - Sid
Writing is smooth and the speculative element nicely in place. Hopefully writer will move us from cleverly disguised exposition to a real scene in the next graph.
- Admin.
The Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma
Helena had been looking forward to a Triple-Doozy Special burger all day. Now, sitting in a window seat her gastronomic treat forgotten in mid bite, she stared in horror at the man writhing on the ground outside the café. Helena had glanced out of the window just as her teeth crunched into the bun, spotting the two people about to bump into each other. She saw the man’s deliberate half step sideways to ensure a collision with the small, trim woman striding towards him. The dark haired woman did not even break step as the man’s right arm came up clutching a gun. She kept walking into the man; his still rising gun arm appearing briefly between her own right arm and body before she whipped her whole upper torso inward toward him. The man’s gun arm a tight bar locked at wrist and elbow, showing against her slim back.§ The Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma: I’d read further, just to find out why it’s the man on the ground instead of the woman. (Third) AndiThe Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma: Not sure why the MC is horrified by what she is seeing. I can’t really picture what is happening with the whipping of the torso, etc, and how that leads to the man writhing on the ground. Would read on a little. - SA
The Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma: Well, the author got food and violence into the opening but missed out on the gratituous sex scene to really make this a blockbuster for me. Kevin
The Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma--The back track method to what had just happened made the entry lose momentum. The last sentences were quite confusing to me. After several reads, I still wasn't sure what had happened. It was difficult to picture the action being carried out by the man with the gun and the woman. An attack situation is always a bit exciting, so I might have read a little further to see if visual clarity became better, but would have dropped it very quickly if it didn’t. No vote. --Marsi
The Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma – Say what? I have no clue what is happening with this opening. Try though I may I couldn't get any type of visual image to match what was being described. Sorry, no vote. Micha
The Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma: I think a bit too much confusing choreography with this one. I had to re-read the last few sentences a couple of times to picture what was happening with the arm and the gun, and that distracted me from the bigger picture. And I have to say, I’d be worried if my teeth "crunched" into a hamburger bun
. - WJS The Quantum Mechanic's Dilemma: It's a little breathless, squished into one chunky paragraph, but content certainly got me interested, as did the title. FIRST. -dp
THE QUANTUM MECHANIC'S DILEMMA It took me a while to figure out why this doesn't work as well as it should. Woman engages in mundane act (hamburger), becomes unwitting witness to murder. Not original, but could be interesting. And then, ah ha! I realized that none of the opening is written in the present: The story opens when the murder has already been committed, and Helen is paralyzed, burger in hand (as are all the other burger patrons, bystanders, etc., since _no one_ seems to be responding -- is that the speculative element? That Helen sees what others can't? Hmm. Possibly). Anyway, the rest of the opening goes even further back, giving us the events which led up to the point where the murder's already been committed. As a result, this opening feels as if it's running backward. If that's what you intended (i.e. Helen somehow "rewinds" events in her mind) that's pretty interesting -- but that's not indicated from the opening as written, IMO. (And FWIW, the main thing that separated this from "Miss Emily's Parlor"--which also had an interesting situation but problems with execution-- and robbed "Quantum Mechanic" of a 3rd place vote, was the so-so MC. If you could show us that Helen sees the world differently, i.e. give us a compelling MC, then I'd be willing to jump over some clunky wording to find out what happens to her.)—SEW
The Quantum Mechanic’s Dilemma -- Can’t help but wonder about Helena’s sympathies. Mine would rest with the attacked woman, not the attacker. Resolving this would definitely make Helena a more sympathetic character, a tough job in only 150 words. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
The Quantum Mechanic's Dilemma: 2nd Place and I want to hear the dilemma from a Quantum and martial arts perspective. - Sid
I found the action a bit confusing here--had to reread a couple times. And maybe because of the title, I was thinking the assailant’s gun arm passed right through the victim’s torso. Hey, wait a minute, that ain’t a bad idea!
(One demerit for _briefly._)- Admin.
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2004 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
