August 2004 Best Openings Contest Results

August 2004 Best Openings Contest Results

'Tis done! The votes are in and tabulated, bonuses awarded, chads've all been checked, etc. Herewith the results of the August, 2004 Best Opening Contest: 
                                          1st 2nd 3rd Vot Bon Tot
Beneath a Leaden Sky by Derek Paterson     3   2   1   3   3   20
The Four East Winds by Wayne Sowry         2   3   1   3   3   19
Tales of the Uptown Express by Susan Wing  2   -   -   3   3   12
Keeper of the Light by Sara Walker Howe    -   1   2   -   3    7
Just an Alien by BJ Galler-Smith           -   1   1   3   -    6
Untitled #2 by Julie Korzenko              -   -   -   3   3    6
Untitled #1 by Sophia Ahmed                -   -   -   3   -    3
Congratulations, Derek, for edging out Wayne in the August tilt! Bravo, that man -- hussah, etc.

Ah, but Derek me lad, it gets worse. Due to that stellar performance of yours in August, you've managed to sneak into the top spot for the quarter. Heh, heh. Well bloody done, mate. I couldn't have done a more masterful job my own self.

Herewith the quarterly totals: 

Author           June July Aug Total
Derek Paterson     9   12  20    41
Susan Wing         7   16  12    35
Sara Walker Howe  10   14   7    31
Barb Galler-Smith  9    6   6    21
Wayne Sowry       ne   ne  19    19
Sophia Ahmed       9    5   3    17
Paul Vandine      ne    7  ne     7
Julie Korzenko    ne   ne   6     6
Enjoy, Derek! I'm looking for an especially interesting contest next month.

Your BOC Admin,

Josh

Index
Untitled #1 by Sophia Ahmed
Just an Alien by Barb Galler-Smith
Keeper of the Light by Sara Walker Howe
Untitled #2 by Julie Korzenko
TALES OF THE UPTOWN EXPRESS by Susan Wing
Beneath A Leaden Sky by Derek Paterson
The Four East Winds by Wayne Sowry

Untitled #1
by Sophia Ahmed


      This wind rises from the deep woods, Ten thought, and it brings with it memories of stilled blood.  Small wonder we despair.
      He turned his mount round, and faced his men as they drew quietly up to him.
      "This may be a road less travelled," he said, looking at their grim faces, "but the walls of Korth still lie but an hour's ride to our backs.  We are well equal to our task this dark."  He drew his sword, and seeing their attention fixed upon it, pointed ahead of them.  "Come morn," he said, "warm maids will carry milk down this path, and the breath of farmer's daughters will lie heavier than this breeze.  Will any of you be shivering then, when tasting... such sweet heat?"
      "Not I," said a young soldier.  His grin faltered as a blast of wind hit them, scything the litter of stripped branches across their skin.  "Mayhap they would care to rest with me awhile, on their haycart!"
      "Aye, they'd need to rest—after spending some time with a man!" said another rider.  Several of the men laughed as Burkis, Ten's second in command, patted his sheepish young comrade's shoulder companionably.  "'Tis experience over youth."

§

I wasn't allergic to this, tho' I didn't have any clue as to where we are or what might or might not happen next. Other openings offered clearer paths so they got the votes. -dp

I had difficulty locking into the setting or the characters or the situation, although there are plenty of suggestions of all three. e.g. The story opens with "the wind," -- not just any wind, but a wind that carries memories and makes the MC despair. But nowhere else is the wind described, except in passing several paragraphs down, so the opening statement has no emotional weight, IMO. The reference to the walls of Korth doesn't tell me whether they are prey or predator, (which seems sorta important, if I'm to understand the conflict ). And I really don't know anything about the MC other than his tendency to speak in metaphors, but he gets lost, IMO, in the introduction of three additional characters in this brief excerpt. In film, they'd be wearing different outfits, at least; here, I can't really tell them apart . Archaic English is acceptable, but suggest you tone it down. ("Mayhap," indeed ) And the dark moody opening swings a bit too soon into campfire banter, IMO, IOW, there's this brooding danger, but no one seems particularly worried about anything. There's probably a story here, but you need to make a few choices, to find a way to draw us into it, IMO. - SEW

Starts off well but then wallows in banter about the milk maids. While that might be fun for the soldiers, it doesn’t do much for me. I’d rather get on with the story - to find out where they’re going and for what reason. - WJS

"This may be a road less travelled..." Sorry. That line yanked me out of the story before it began. I don't think Robert Frost belongs in a fantasy. Also, I thought this beginning confusing. I don't know where the story is going and don't really care. "scything the litter of stripped branches across their skin." Great sentence. ~ julie

Untitled #1 -- Interesting, and well written, but not compelling as a beginning. This seems better inside the story, once we know what they're doing, and into what danger they ride. I'd very much like to see the finished story. (BJ)

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Just an Alien
by Barb Galler-Smith


      Petunia Breakwater studied the alien sitting on his haunches in front of her.  Called "hyenas" by the settlers because they traveled in small packs and scavenged when they couldn't kill, they'd adapted readily to the introduction of agriculture and villages.
      The hyena didn't do anything but stare up at her, ear tendrils waving back and forth as if to say he was trying very hard to understand.  
      She'd been on Telus for the better part of three years, and finally succumbed to the increasingly common practice of allowing tamer aliens to hang out at her homestead.  Not that the creature understood more than that she represented a steady supply of spud skins and the occasional meat scrap.
      She dropped the purple root that substituted for potatoes in front of Sparky.  She called him that because of the intermittent flash that illuminated the ground in front him when he prowled through the tall grass looking for insects.  
      "'Tunia!" Sergeant West called.
      She cursed under her breath—patrol duty.  Sparky gobbled the skin then looked up for more, its tail as awag as its ears.
      "Come on," she said, grabbing her blaster.  "Time to look for sentients, again."

§

Dammit this one was doing so well, until that last line! Then that darn blaster appeared and burst the bubble. Alas cliché has turned this time-honored SF weapon into a comedy element, so you'll just have to be content with a THIRD vote. -dp

Yup, I'm a sucker for goofy names, so Petunia Breakwater had me in stitches. Wonderful first sentence. I loved the interaction between Petunia and her "hyena." (Sparky! ) Nice job giving us just enough info about the alien so we have a general fix on size, shape, personality., "alien-ness" (tendrils and flashes) etc., without requiring infodump. Last sentence suggests intrigue and future conflict, as does the suggestion that Sparky might understand more than he's letting on. Economical treatment of setting, but enough to let us know we're dealing with a pioneer-type environment. Love the characters; I'll follow them anywhere . - 2nd place - SEW.

Too much background and not enough current action makes this opening rather slow. Tell us about the nature of hyenas and what she’s done over the last three years later on, once we’re drawn into the story. - WJS

Too much backstory and explaining. Although I liked the "ear tendrils waving back and forth." Great visual. ~ julie

I think this would have worked better for me if the pet feeding description could have been cut to just the first paragraph, and the rest of it introduced later if needed. The opening was much too 'cutesy' for my taste. I was thinking she was an isolated farmer, but then the military feel came in out of nowhere. It was jarring. Also, what was it she was trying to get the creature to understand? It was never specified. She drops the root, it eats it immediately, and she says it thinks of her as a food source only, so I can't work out what she could be doing. It's then followed by the suggestion that it does understand enough to come along with her at the end. This inconsistency combined with the other points mentioned puts me off reading on, sorry. - SA

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Keeper of the Light
by Sara Walker Howe


      The men entering the bake shop were obviously not customers.
      "What kind of pastries have you got?" the tall one asked.
      Mugwump had seen all kinds of folks in his years, one for each of the white hairs on his snowy head, certainly enough to know that men with knives poking out their jackets were not the sort who ordered pastries.
      "What kind do you want?" Mugwump asked them. He tried not wrinkle his nose at the stink of rotting garbage they were emitting. He failed.
      "Bloodwurst."
      "The bloodier and blacker the better," the other said. Thick, greasy hair covered his eyes.
      Mugwump wished they would leave. He had a load of souffles in the oven, which he really must attend to.
      "How about some garlic sausage pasties?" Mugwump suggested, not having ever made any bloodwurst pastries in all the thirty years of his baking career.
      "Tch. I'm afraid that just won't do. Tie him up, Scorch."
      "Now just a minute. How about some raspberry tarts?" Old Mugwump dashed to the end of the counter, putting as much space as he could between himself and his assailants. Unfortunately, they stood between him and the door.

§

I wasn't allergic to this tho' I wanted more setting details, where is this mysterious bake shop, what is Mugwump? I couldn't help but think we were in the Shire and Mugwamp has to stand on a stool so he could see over the counter. A few more words for clarity's sake might easily have earned a vote. -dp

I rather liked this one; Mugwump is an interesting character, well described, both in appearance and personality. The bad guys are clearly sinister. And a bake shop in an unlikely (and therefore intriguing) location for potentially violent conflict. Some clunky writing here and there (e.g. "not having ever made...", some lazy verbs like "entering" and "were emitting," "putting," etc.) -- but otherwise all the ingredients of a good opening, IMO - 3rd place - SEW

I think this could lose a few of the adverbs, but otherwise I’m interested to know who these two guys are and what they want with the baker. Second place. - WJS

Third paragraph should've been first. I went "huh...why" at the end of your first sentence. Loved "Mugwump." ~ julie

Keeper of the Light -- Interesting, well-written, and Mugwump is engaging. One nit, he's old and white-haired after only 30 years of baking? I'd make him older... in his 70's to have a shock of white on his head. So likely he's been baking 50+ years since he apprenticed at an early age? THIRD (BJ)

Wishing they would leave because his souffles needed tending sounded wrong - they'd only been there five seconds, and what would he have said if they were ordinary customers? It just made the MC sound disorganised. Don't know what is going on in this opening, or what will happen next. What do they want from him? Can he bake for them (if that's what they need) when he's tied up? I'm confused rather than drawn in, sorry. - SA

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Untitled #2
by Julie Korzenko


      Sunlight beat upon the small gathering of water pooled at the base of the mountain. Its rays pierced the shadowed liquid. The musky scent of decaying leaves assaulted the man's senses, reeling him backward in time. If he concentrated he could hear his wife's soft voice whispering their words of love and tenderness, coaxing him to action.  How long had it been?
      Nine years since the wolf stole her soul. One year since she'd died.
      He scrunched his eyes closed, attempting to ward off the bitter pain of loss. It only took a second. Revenge was powerful and consuming.  The past few months he'd found it more and more difficult to walk through his daily routine. His position commanded respect, his anger demanded death.
      A branch cracked and echoed loudly through the canyon, answered only by the muted calls of nature. The man focused on his prey. It padded into the clearing in a blazing glory of enraged yellow eyes and windswept fur. He felt the fury and power of the animal float across the small distance. This one was prime. Poised above the watering hole with hackles raised, the beast bent and lapped cool water.
      It didn't take long.

§

Naming the man would have been nice, making things feel a little more personal, less author narrator and more character. Uh, what didn't take long? -dp

Good attempt to describe setting, but doesn't quite work, IMO, 'cause it's not integrated with character or conflict. (i.e. I don't know where the MC is vis-a-vis the pool). Also, a wee bit overwritten, I think, e.g. "gathering of water" and "pooled" is redundant, perhaps? If the MC had connected with the pool of water, the appearance of the intruder would've had more impact. "Nine years since the wolf stole her soul..." Good sentence; pulls us into conflict and speculative element. Next graph, however, contributes little. Too much telling, too much flashback without detail. "A branch cracked..." Good paragraph; this kind of tension holds my interest. Lots of potential here, but needs trimming and less contemplation - SEW.

The first few sentences are a little heavy on adjectives, and overall I think there are too many similar short sentences that don’t flow well. The opening itself doesn’t hook me. I see one physical confrontation coming up - man against wolf - but there’s nothing there to make me interested in this man or want to read on. - WJS

Mine. Sorry, forgot about sending it with a title. ~ julie

Untitled #2 -- Engaging premise. I do want to read on, but it feels a

little choppy with so many things going on with him. There's no time to really get into the mood before it leaps to something else. I want to chew all this more slowly. (BJ)

I found the pace too slow, sorry, with too much 'telling'. The MC needs a name and for his position to be named, at least, to give this opening a solid anchor. I wouldn't read on. - SA

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TALES OF THE UPTOWN EXPRESS
by Susan Wing


      Loose gravel chased Etta down the crumbling stone steps to the damp pavement of Track 5.
      “Open up!” She slammed the closed ticket window withthe flat of her hand.  “What line is this?”
      “Out to lunch,” a voice whined from inside.
      “Lunch? What do you mean, lunch?  It’s almost midnight!”
      The window rattled as a train thundered nonstop through the station above.
      “What? What did you say?” Etta yelled as the roar faded.  
      “Ticket machine to the right.  Please move along.”
      “I don’t need a ticket! I need information. What line is this?”
      Brakes squealed deep in the tunnel behind her.
      “Information desk on Level 4.”
      Sirens broke through the roar of an approaching engine.
      “There she is! The female!”
      She backed away from the harsh green light flowing down the steps.  They were coming.
      The incoming train now shuddered on the platform, doors open. Without further thought, Etta broke into a run, vaulted the turnstiles and leapt into darkness as the doors closed behind her.
      From all fours, Etta pulled herself up the center pole and leaned against it.  She forced her breathing to slow down and tried not to think about Bannon or her last hot meal.  

§

Good sense of impending danger mixed with the humor behind the ticket window. FIRST. -dp

Mine - SEW

All the short sentences and dialog make this like a script for the opening scene of a movie, but it has me intrigued. Takes first place. - WJS

THIRD Would've placed second except for the typo in the second line -- "withthe" (I'm picky) I liked it. I felt the character's frustration. ~ julie

TALES OF THE UPTOWN EXPRESS -- Her rising frustration worked for me and the leap into the train was cool. Then I wanted to know who she was, but I was perplexed by the Bannon and hot meal train. Stick with Etta a little longer, let her catch her breath and let the reader know who she is and a hint as to why she's running. (BJ)

I was trying to imagine this opening with the pointless dialogue removed, so that more of the story could be shown. I think it would work better. Spacing error in second line. - SA

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Beneath A Leaden Sky
by Derek Paterson


      Ignoring the gaudy pimps, the rat-faced dealers and the constant tide of unemployed androids looking for a master to serve, Shelley pushed his way to the fortune machine and dropped a five-imperial hex into the slot.
      A noise cloak enfolded him, hushing the constant din of Star City, the perpetually festering sore on the rump of the Empire.  Only a madman would come willingly to this place where law didn't exist and a life could be snuffed out in an instant without anyone noticing or caring.
      The crystal ball lit up.  The swarthy face within wore a forked beard and a turban.  The disembodied head bowed to Shelley and said, "What is thy wish, oh handsome one?"
      "I need to know who's following me and what they want," Shelley said.  He glanced back over his shoulder.  No one appeared to be paying him any attention but he knew they were there, hiding in the crowd, watching.
      The fakir said, "What does any man want?  Wealth, power, someone to share his good fortune.  Beware the Caliph's agents, and the needle of truth."
      Shelley's thoughts whirled.  "What does the Caliph—?"
      A sharp pain in his thigh made him look down.

§

Mine. I have no idea why. -dp

Normally I'd nail the writer for opening with an "ing" word but the juxtaposition with such vivid impossible-to-ignore images makes it work. A long opening sentence, but it manages to incorporate all three essential elements: character and setting -- and even an undercurrent of conflict -- without missing a beat. Well done! Economical exposition ("perpetually festering sore on the rump of the Empire" "where law didn't exist and a life could be snuffed out..." Humor and danger running throughout -- intriguing images ("noise cloak"? hmm.). Obvious attention to verbs, varied sentence length, blah, blah, blah, IOW -- smooth writing that doesn't trip me up. -- 1st place - SEW

I think this tries too hard to establish the seediness of the setting to the point of cliche. Otherwise I think it’s quite well written, although the opening story line of a man trying to find out who’s following him and trying to kill him is not exactly original. Still, makes third place. - WJS

SECOND Great visual. You brought me into the story and held me there. The last line could be stronger, IMHO. You're telling and that could be shown. ~ julie

Beneath A Leaden Sky -- Enjoyable! The needle of truth and then the sharp pain made me laugh outright! I'd definitely turn the page on this one. SECOND (BJ)

FIRST. The title is a bit dull and uninformative, but otherwise I think this opening is brilliant. I wish I could write like this. - SA

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The Four East Winds
by Wayne Sowry


      Xiu Zhong Qing raised the pipe to his lips, drew a lung-full of smoke, and watched the Manchu warrior charge towards him. "Too low," he muttered as the narcotic crept into his brain, sending it skyward with the exhaled fumes. "His sword will not find a man's heart in his knees." He closed his eyes and listened for the sound of birds chirping in the nearby trees. But they had stopped, disturbed by the warrior's cry and the pounding of his feet. The tiger does not attack like a rhinoceros, he thought. It uses stealth and agility to catch its prey. The rhinoceros's horn may be strong and sharp, but only a fool would remain in its path.
      He sucked on the pipe and inhaled the pungent air deep into his lungs.
      Then in a single, fluid motion, Xiu stepped to one side, drew his sword, and slashed the passing warrior across the back of the neck. He opened his eyes and watched the severed head tumble into the ditch beside the road. The body lay at his feet, blood spurting from the jugulars to pool in the dust.
      In the trees, birds began to sing.

§

Even though there's nothing specifically stated, this opening made me think there's a story to come, that our gratuitously named Chinese master of illegal substances had performed actions that will begat reactions and take us somewhere. SECOND. -dp

I appreciated the tonal consistency in this opening -- Good work staying within the MC's POV -- I was a bit thrown off by the timing -- e.g. the comments about the tiger and rhinoceros threw me out of the story -- Xiu's comments about finding a man's heart in his knees and his sucking on his pipe create enough of a delay during the opponent's charge, IMO. Besides, I kept trying to unravel the meaning of the tiger and the rhinoceros in the context of this particular conflict -- which was a distraction. Good use of the birds -- they provide enough setting for now, IMO. -- Interesting MC -- Opening not quite smooth enough for a vote, but close. - SEW

Mine. - WJS

FIRST Wow! Once I was finished tripping over the character's name , I fell completely into the story--kinda like that guy's head that got lopped off. "The tiger does not attack like a rhinoceros, he thought." Terrific sentence but dump the "he thought." I'm already in his pov so it's not necessary. ~ julie

The Four East Winds -- Well! That certainly got my attention. FIRST. (BJ)

Interesting, although no sign of the story as yet. I hope this opening is a vital part of the plot, and not just a boring 'day in the life' of the MC. SECOND. - SA

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