April 2004 Best Openings Contest Entries

April 2004 Best Openings Contest Entries
Yeah, yeah, just couldn't resist tossing in my own response to the assignment.
(Optional, of course, but feedback is always appreciated .)

Copyright 2004 Susan E. Wing
All rights reserved

THE AFFAIR OF THE AGELESS UNCLE
The dungeons of Halgar were every bit as charming as they'd been twenty years ago.
"So it's leaking from the moat?" I asked the guard as I sidestepped the puddles. An idle question. Last time here, my drinking water was whatever dripped from the ceiling; I wasn't about to forget where it came from.
"Heavy rain," he grunted.
So much for polite discourse. So much for distraction from the stench of sulfur and the damp wheezes that accosted us as we sloshed past the cells.
The guard stopped. "Five minutes," he said.
I peered through the high opening in the heavy iron door. Overcast light slipped through a window slit and fell upon a pile of rags curled on the sleeping pallet. I cleared my throat.
The ragged pile groaned. Through a curtain of matted hair, two eyes widened and briefly glowed, before fading to amber.
"Took you long enough," she rasped.
"You're looking well." A lie, of course. Prison had muddied her sleek black hair and broken her fingernails. Frankly, she looked like she'd been run over by a dung cart. But I knew my wife, and in this instance, I knew better than to tell her the truth.

§
So I took the easy way out. I changed the subject.
"Hey! How _'bout_ that April BOC?" I chirped.
"You must be joking," she snapped. "I'm rotting away in this hell-hole and you expect me to give a damn about the BOC?"
"Well, _they_ care about it," I protested, gesturing in the general direction of the reading public. "Please. I have no idea where this story's going, but once it's underway, I won't have another opportunity to give them the news."
My darling snorted something unprintable, which I took as grudging assent.
(And so, my friends, here it is -- the aforementioned "news"):
The runaway winner for April, with votes from every single person who commented (except himself, of course ) is
JOSH LANGSTON for "Bayou Blue."

And sliding into a dead heat behind Josh, but well ahead of the rest of the pack are:
KATHI SCHWENGEL for "Walking Papers," and
WAYNE SOWRY for "Immaculate Deception."

Here are the totals for the April 2004 BOC:
TOTAL_1ST__2ND__3RD__VOTED__WRITER____________STORY 25______9____12____1_____3__Josh Langston_____Bayou Blue 16______6_____2____5_____3__Kathi Schwengel___Walking Papers 16_____12__________1_____3__Wayne Sowry_______Immaculate Deception _9______3_____2____1_____3__Sara Walker Howe__An Alien Scorned _9____________6__________3__Lisa Mantchev_____Perks _7______3__________1_____3__Jeff Corkern______Fire Mission _5_________________2_____3__Derek Paterson____Escape from Taltos III _3_______________________3__Bill Allan________Colony Geminac One _3_______________________3__Jon Woolf_________Living in a Dream _3_______________________3__Sophia Ahmed______(voted only) _3_______________________3__David Gillon______(voted only)
Now, if you're frantically doing the math in your head, you've realized the BOC is _never_ over until the end of the third month.
Those In The Know suspect Derek of enlisting the services of a dubious Druidic cult to pull this off, but yes, folks, the new BOC Administrator is none other than
JOSH LANGSTON!
(Tough break, pal, but FWIW, you wrote a BOC that _everyone_ loved. How often does that happen in IMPdom? Might be worth finishing the thing, hmm? )
Congratulations! (And thanks, people. It's been real )

Susan
<tossing Admin. hat to Josh and wending her way to Chocolate Pool for a quick dip before 7-in-7>
BOC QUARTERLY TOTALS -- FEBRUARY-APRIL 2004

WRITER_________TOTAL VOTES Josh Langston______45 Derek Paterson_____40 Wayne Sowry________32 Kathi Schwengel____32 Bill Allan_________28 Lisa Mantchev _____25 Sara Walker Howe___23 Jeff Corkern_______19 BJ Galler-Smith____12 Sophia Ahmed_______12 (voted only) Jon Woolf__________10 Sid Gittler_________6 David Gillon________3 (voted only) AM Horcher__________3 (voted only) Erin Garrett________1

Index IMMACULATE DECEPTION
LIVING IN A DREAM
ESCAPE FROM TALTOS III
WALKING PAPERS
PERKS
BAYOU BLUE
AN ALIEN SCORNED
FIRE MISSION
COLONY GEMINAC ONE

IMMACULATE DECEPTION
      Brendon McCarthy fathered seven children by three wives before he discovered he'd been sterile since birth. He could well appreciate, he told his doctor upon learning the news, that his first wife Bernice had cheated on him. He'd suspected the bitch all along. But Florence, his second, had been the perfect model of a loving wife and mother. If it hadn't been for her untimely death, he would be with her still.
      "And now Jenny," he said, staring through Dr. Ewenson as if she were a window to the truth. "You're telling me there's no way that I could be the father of our two children? Surely there's some mistake."
      "I'm afraid not," she said. "Our tests show you suffer from a rare genetic disorder that prevents your sperm ever reaching maturity, leaving them infertile. The results are conclusive: your semen is about as potent as white sauce. Always has been."
      Brendon's attention snapped back to the doctor. He was used to her bluntness by now, but that comment seemed a little insensitive even for her. He stared at her for some moments, unsure how to respond.
      "What am I going to say to Jenny?" he finally muttered.
COMMENTS
IMMACULATE DECEPTION Holy moly for the mother of all opening sentences (or close.) Other than trying to get a grip on all the wives names and our MC's current situation, this opening was a breeze to read and interesting to boot. First place vote. - LM
Immaculate Deception: The first line was good; the second was telling me what I'd assumed anyway. The rest of the first paragraph was okay. After that, the opening was just old news (and some "eew!" dialogue) and therefore boring - I was reading it and just wanted it to get to the point. The conflict in the final line wasn't enough to revive my interest. No vote. -- SA
Mine. - WJS
Big ouch. Nicely done but a little too close to home for my liking! I can't bring myself to read on. The poor sap. -dp
Immaculate Deception: I was hooked from the opening line. Very intriguing set-up and nice flow to the writing. However, better get something to happen quickly now or just the fact that he's a sterile father is not going to keep me for long. First place. KS
This would be a truly excellent opening without the POV shift. The first sentence is omni, the following sentences all third person. FIRST---Jeff Corkern
Interesting concept. I'd like to see how Brendon wiggles out of this one. I think this opening packs too much in such short space. I think it would work better if we saw Brendon on his way to the doctor's office, wondering why he needed an appointment to discuss fertility. I'd also like to see information about his wives revealed later in the story, at a more dramatic time. For now it's enough to show Brendon's confusion about being sterile when he has seven kids. Nice job on the past/present opening line. Third place -SWH
This is good right up to the final sentence. The opening sentence grabs the attention even though it's phrased a bit clumsily; it was certainly enough to make me read further. The rest of the opening was intriguing enough that I would read on -- this guy really has got a problem, and how he's going to deal with it could prove a very interesting story indeed. And it will also be interesting to find out who _is_ (or are) the father of his children, and why nothing ever gave his problem away before (blood types, kids' features, etc.). But it all falls apart with the last line, because it makes the protag look like a jerk. JW
Immaculate Deception -- Clever title. Opening is well-written, if short on setting, and uses the personal history element nicely. I especially liked the "white sauce" line. Though it doesn't seem to have much of a speculative element, I'd be willing to read on to find one. Makes first pass. Finishes 1st. --Josh
Interesting premise, but no sympathetic character to draw me in, and the last three words--a dialogue attribution other than _said_ with an -ly adverb dropped in for good measure--left a bad taste in the mouth. WA
Seems to meet the back-story requirement and creates a wide range of possibilities for taking it further. No major problems with the writing, though I'm not certain that he's reacting enough. Being told that 1) you're impotent, 2) your kids aren't yours, 3) all three of your wives must have cheated on you is a pretty devastating kick in the unmentionables for the average guy.... Not to mention he's got a genetic problem that may well have other effects. He should be angry and scared and it isn't coming over that way (And I think I've met that doctor!) DG
Excellent first sentence; lots of past/present weight. Second sentence is a little clunky - don't know why we need the aside about telling the doctor. And a bit of tonal discrepancy, e.g. a man who thinks of one wife as a bitch (rough slang) might not use the refined term "perfect model" to refer to another wife . Other than that, an intriguing situation. I'm wondering _why_ he's meeting with the doctor at this point -- also why she's so blunt -- But I'm willing to read on to find out. - Admin.

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LIVING IN A DREAM
      "That," Amarok said in a shaking voice, "was wilder than I ever imagined."
      Terry glanced at him. "Well, what did you expect? This stuff is all experimental, remember? Uncharted territory. Nobody's ever done it before."
      "Nobody's ever done it this way before," Amarok corrected, then blinked as he realized his partner had said it with him. "Hey—"
      Terry smiled. "Sometimes you're too easy, Ken. I know you'd like to believe the old stories are true, but we both know they're impossible. Even this—" he waved at the complicated computer equipment "—is only a simulation built from brain scans. There's no way your ancestors could have lived an animal's life for real."
      "I'm not so sure of that anymore," Amarok answered thoughtfully. He pulled off the sensor helmet and set it on the table. "Some of what I sensed echoed the old tales real close. Too close to be a coincidence."
      Something in Amarok's voice made Terry look sharply at his old friend. Their eyes met, and a chill ran down Terry's spine as he realized that the eyes looking back at him weren't human anymore.
COMMENTS
LIVING IN A DREAM Interesting idea, but the rhythm of the opening sentences seemed a bit choppy and I couldn't settle down into this story. - LM
Living in a Dream: I didn't understand the line about saying 'it with him', as they had said different sentences. There was too much talking between the characters about stuff I didn't know about even by the end of the opening, which was irritating. Didn't fulfil the past/future suggestion for the first line. Little characterisation and setting; last line is more interesting but I'm still lost about what is going on, so I wouldn't read on and no vote. -- SA
I think the dialog in the first half needs tightening. It's partly irrelevant banter, and partly just for the benefit of the reader. And I'm afraid the last paragraph didn't hook me at all. Person exposed to experimental procedure and physically changes - seems all too familiar: Jekyll and Hyde, Incredible Hulk, Invisible Man, ... - WJS
Threatened to be clever but I couldn't help but think the start-point is wrong, so wrong it damaged my reading pleasure. -dp
Living In A Dream: Nothing pulled me in and the dialogue seemed somewhat forced. The use of the name "Ken" in the fourth paragraph made me go back and re-read to see if I had missed something. If Ken is Amarok's first name then give me that before someone calls him by it, otherwise I'm left wondering who Ken is. KS
POV is shaky.---Jeff Corkern
I don't like dialogue as opening lines-- it doesn't give us any chance of knowing character or setting. Third paragraph trips me up every time I read it. Interesting concept for a story. The last line feels forced. Maybe something more subtle would work better? -SWH
Living in a Dream -- Could use some setting. Speculative element has too familiar a feel for me (I've written, and read, similar.) Probably wouldn't read on. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
This _Altered States_ wannabe lost me in a confusion of characters. The first couple read-throughs had me thinking this was a dialogue between two guys, until I discovered a third name. WA
I have to admit I'm not entirely clear on how many people we're dealing with here. We have 'Terry', 'Amarok', 'Ken', 'his partner' and possibly something inside Amarok's head. It seems to have possibilities, but I think the character labeling needs to be a lot clearer until the reader understands who he is dealing with. DG
Mine-JW
The idea of living and animal's life-- and the suggestion of lingering aftereffects--are interesting ideas, but they're buried in a lot of relatively empty chat, IMO. The first few sentences have sexual overtones, which is seductive, but the tease goes on too long -- and then doesn't deliver. I'd rather see some more action demonstrating the character's responses, rather than talk. Also, you seem to have a dual POV throughout. Pick one and stick with it. - Admin.

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ESCAPE FROM TALTOS III
      The dull thud of footsteps woke Pierre from his dreams. The image of his dear sweet Antoinette faded, to be replaced by the dark, damp interior of his prison cell.
      The peep-hole opened and the sentry's bloodshot eyes stared at him. Pierre smiled and waved; the peep-hole slammed shut. He immediately put his cunning plan into action, pulling the woogie from under the pile of filthy leaves that was his bed. The woogie immediately began to stir. Pierre swung its head against the stone wall, stunning it. He lifted its tail and shoved his hand completely up its orifice. The woogie's eyes popped out on stalks and its little legs blurred as if it were trying to run away from him—then the warm body went limp.
      Pierre sighed; the woogie had given him companionship on many a cold night, but their affair was over. He got to his feet, swayed until the nausea left him, and stepped up to the door. He tapped on the hatch and ducked down just as the peep-hole opened again. He thrust his arm up, moved his fingers and said, "Hello, my name is Darcy. How do you do?"
COMMENTS
ESCAPE FROM TALTOS III This story almost seemed normal until the appearance of the woogie and it's chilling use as a hand puppet. The tone immediately became twisted, a bit disturbing and humorous all in one. I'd read on. Third place - LM
Escape from Taltos III: Okay first lines; they just about fulfilled the past/future suggestion, although not very interestingly. The rest of the opening was incomprehensible, and came across as if the author had given up on trying to write a story and had just gone into juvenile sick joke mode. No vote, wouldn't read on. -- SA
Not sure if this is supposed to be serious or a satire. "He immediately put his cunning plan into action" - this sounds like the voice of a separate narrator, as people don't normally refer to their own plans as "cunning". I'm not sure why he bothered stunning the woogie, since it certainly seemed to be active enough immediately afterwards. "swayed until the nausea left him" - it's unclear here if the nausea is from something unmentioned or from what he's just done to the woogie. - WJS
Mine, and whoever reported me to the animal welfare people is in trouble. -dp
Gruesome but I was hooked and this got third place. The writing was a little rough, especially the second paragraph. Sentence structure and pacing as well as overuse of "immediately" made that a tough one to get through. I think the wierd humor of the situation got to me, sick but true, and it had to get a vote. KS
This doesn�t quite gel. What�s a woogie? It isn�t clear. The ice-cold way this guy kills is not going to endear him to the reader. ---Jeff Corkern
A lot of stage direction in this opening. Also, the mood is inconsistent; Pierre goes from a dark, defeated mood to smiling and waving, back to defeated. The woogie seems to be treated as comic relief, but I get the feeling we're supposed to feel sorry for the loss of Pierre's friend. Too much going on for an opening I think. It might be enough for now to have us wonder why Pierre is in prison. -SWH
Escape from Taltos III -- I'm so glad I have no image of a "woogie" in mind. Nor, having read this, do I have any interest in developing one. Sorry, no vote. --Josh
Sorry, but this one was just plain weird--and not in a good way. Evidently, the POVC brutally kills some kind of living creature, which he's been keeping in his cell for sexual gratification, to aid in an escape. Worse yet, I think it was supposed to be funny. WA
It's not quite Bobby Ewing finding the past year was all a dream, but waking from a dream is still a bit of a cheat IMO when it comes to suggesting backstory. As for what happens to the poor woogie!?! There are definitely better ways to die than with a hand up your 'orofice'.... You might be able to get away with this as an escape plot, but if it isn't written with at least a semi-humourous style it's going to be hard work to pull it off. DG
Comment: Um . . . sorry, this just did _not_ work for me, and I'll leave it at that. JW
Hmm. I'll say this: I'll never be able to look at my son's plush hand puppets in _quite_ the same way ever again . Smooth writing. Churned along smartly until "orifice." Serious doubletake. This is just plain weird. Which means there's probably a market for it somewhere . Poor woogie . -- Admin.

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WALKING PAPERS
      Raven was heading back from someplace she never should have been. Not that her employers had given that a thought. In fact, Raven had a cold suspicion they had done it on purpose. She couldn�t keep Rickert�s words out of her head, �It won�t be as obvious as a shot to the head. When they�re done with you it will look like an accident.�
      Or a job gone wrong.
      And this one almost had.
      The transport lurched awkwardly and somebody in the back swore. Raven gazed out the window and watched the seedier part of the old town slip past, idly wondering why the corporation couldn�t have a pick-up in the heights. The flash blinded her a millisecond before the transport launched end over end, skidding across the road on its roof. Raven�s seat restraint was off before the 10 ton hunk of steel completed its roll so that instead of being suspended upside down she landed in a semi-crouch, the cool grip of her weapon firmly in her hand. Between the blast flash and the smoke it was damn near impossible to see a thing but she knew all exits would be covered before she could get to them.
COMMENTS
WALKING PAPERS Interesting place to begin a story, but something didn't click for me. I didn't have enough time to latch on to our main character (much less get a sense of what kind of person she is) before some major action started, and then I was trying to hard to visualize what was going on. - LM
Walking Papers: Good first paragraph. I didn't know what was going on in the rest of the opening, and it felt like scene-setting was abandoned in favour of immediate action. Might read on a tiny bit if things were explained very soon. THIRD. -- SA
Good past reference in the opening sentence and mostly well written. This opening gives some feel for the setting, while introducing the character and the fact that someone likely wants her out of the way. The final paragraph could be tightened a little though. I think get rid of the adverbs (including the "damn near"), use more active language, and break up the last couple of sentences, which are too long and complicated for an action scene. And the word "millisecond" doesn't fit with it being the MC's observation, since humans (presumably including Raven) can't perceive those sorts of time frames. Makes first place. - WJS
Well of course I liked the story content even though I didn't quite like the opening, and I've gotta hang around and see what happens to Raven. Might have earned a higher vote if I knew what she looked like, e.g. a reflection of her lithe leather-clad body and long flowing black locks in a window, etc. Not that I'd ever suggest author should use sex appeal as a weapon... THIRD -dp
Walking Papers: Mine KS
Scene insufficiently set. Where are we? Great deal of soul in this one, however. The transition to the attack is too abrupt. The au has tried to cram too much into two hundred words. THIRD.---Jeff Corkern
The first line isn't as dazzling as the rest of the opening. It's hindered by passive and negative construction. The last line of the first paragraph might work better. I like this opening scene; it gives just enough story and action to be intriguing. All I want to know is where's the rest of the story? 2nd place -SWH
Walking Papers -- Raven's an extraordinarily cool customer, to say nothing of her uncanny balance and ability to avoid injury. The flashback might have been a bit more informative. Makes first pass. Seems a little too pat, but I'll give it a 3rd. --Josh
Isn't there a hit TV show for kids with a female lead named Raven--That's So Raven? I applaud the use of action on the first page, but the POVC's antics lead me to believe this better be a super-hero type melodrama, because no mere mortal could respond so deftly in the middle of a car wreck. WA Third Place
Definitely an interesting idea to build a story around. The first three paragraphs are good, the last one seems a little too melodramatic. I'd buy having her gun in hand before the roll is finished, but dropping out of her seat into a controlled landing in a rolling vehicle, while still pulling the gun, is just a little too much. Might have placed in other months, but not this time. DG
This is pretty good. Again a nice, attention-getting opening sentence, and the rest of the opening fills out the picture nicely. The character is clear, if perhaps a bit simple, and the situation is also clear though simple. This was the first of the entries where I really regretted that it was only an opening and the story didn't continue; I'd say that counts for something. 1st -- JW
You have an engaging MC, which is a big plus, but I'd drop most of the first paragraph (which sounds like it says a lot, but doesn't) I'd start with "Raven couldnt' keep Rickert's words out of her head..." Once the action starts, things move along nicely -- you give us conflict and setting, and show us more about the character. And _then_ I'd read on. - Admin.

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PERKS
      Stasia sorted through the peanut clusters, a pile of discards already sequestered to one side by reason of insufficient chocolate.  Then she checked the mini-fridge for bottled water (sparkling,) champagne (Cristal,) and orange juice (organic).  A slow pivot on her right heel aided her scan of the dressing room.
      Fresh floral arrangements: check.
      Walls painted the correct shade of cream: check.
      Two blondes handcuffed on the sofa: check.  Happy wriggling: check.  Gags still in place: Check.
      Dominick would finish his set on the Late, Late Show and she'd get a few minutes of peace when the blondes gleefully took over her job of satisfying his every whim.
      Sure, there were assistants out there that included the sexual favors in their job description.  But two months with the soap opera actress and her entourage had cured Stasia of that particular "benefit".
      "Damn it, Stace!"  Dominick burst through the dressing room door, shirt gaping and sweat pouring in rivulets down his well-muscled chest.  The girls on the sofa renewed their excited wriggles of anticipation, squeaking through their gags.  "Take this crap."
      Stasia caught his guitar, his shirt and the slow, silent burn of anger that radiated from her boss.
      Now what?
COMMENTS
PERKS Mine - LM
Perks: I didn't understand who "the soap opera actress" was. Doesn't fulfil past/future suggestion for the first line. No speculative element, no conflict, no characterisation. Wouldn't read on; no vote. -- SA
This didn't really grab me. I think it could do with more conflict than just Stasia not being happy with the sexual favours part of her job description. I was also confused by who the soap opera actress was supposed to be, and how she might have cured Stasia of anything. - WJS
Oh come on, it's got two blondes handcuffed to a sofa, of course I'm going to vote for it. SECOND -dp
Perks: Just didn't do anything for me, sorry. I'm confused in places. The paragraph that begins, "Sure, there were assistants..." loses me. KS
Mantchev? "the soap actress" reference is confusing. What are they talking about?---Jeff Corkern
Hmmm. Interesting. Different. No SF/F present, though it could appear later. Opening line doesn't have the past/present quality. But, it's quirky enough I'd read on to see where this goes. -SWH
Perks -- Definitely raised a smile or two, although I got a bit bogged down in the reference to the soap star. Finally realized that was a flashback and got back on track. I'm willing to wait a bit longer for the speculative element. Makes first pass. Finishes 2nd. --Josh
Is "sequestered" the right word here? "Happy wriggling"--should this be wriggling happily? And why do the blondes have to be cuffed and gagged if they're willing partners? Again in this entry I find nobody I care about. A bad month for sympathetic characters, I reckon. WA
Nice double-take to throw at the reader! And almost a second one with the blondes' reaction to it. It's also written well, though I'm not certain if 'cured' is the word I would have used WRT the sexual favours, 'soured' perhaps? OTOH it does give a hint of backstory. Staying with the word-choice theme, 'Stace' seems an unusual shortening of Stasia, at least as I would pronounce it ('Stayss' vs 'Starsya'), but possibly not insurmountably so. There's no real hint where this is going yet, but a lot of potential. Takes second. DG
Comment: technically fairly good, with an opening sentence that ought to (and to some extent does) interest me. And some touches of oddball and rather dark humor add a bit. Unfortunately, by the end of the opening it's pretty clear this isn't a story I'd be very interested in reading; the general tone has an undercurrent of "gratuitously unpleasant," which I generally dislike. No vote, sorry. JW
Love the sassy tone, very consistent, smooth writing. The reference to the soap opera actress (a flashback?) threw me out of the story for a bit -- my main problem was that the story seems to be a sugar high, IOW, the prospect of what Dominick would do with the handcuffed blondes was far more interesting than the motivations of the MC, which were unclear. So far, I don't know what Stasia wants except "a few minutes of peace," and I don't know what threat or conflict faces her beyond a sexually demanding boss. IOW -- I suspect there's more meat on this story, but it's not on the page, IMO. - Admin.

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BAYOU BLUE
      It had been three months since Wilson Boudreaux captured the egg woman's soul, but he got no pleasure from it. No doubt the woman's advanced age, deteriorating health, and general lack of intellect contributed to Boudreaux's disappointment. Driving the crone to do his bidding offered all the thrills of steering a ramshackle wagon down a flat, straight, paved road. Still, the incident had taught him valuable lessons which he intended to apply to another target—a younger, healthier, smarter target: Bridgette McKenna, daughter of the most despised man in all of Terrebonne parish.
      Boudreaux removed his hat and boots, leaving the former on a hook by the door and the latter in a plastic bin on the porch. An absentminded wave of his fingers conjured crawly-proof barriers around both. The task at hand required all his concentration. After decanting the egg woman's essence from the spirit trap, he would need to purify himself lest he take on any of the old biddy's ailments.
      Clean, he thought. I must be clean and free to begin again.
      When he emptied the trap, the egg woman felt a momentary lightness—she even smiled—then fell dead as a stone.
COMMENTS
BAYOU BLUE Freaky opening with distinct tone and unusual pacing. First line definitely a grabber... Clear idea of where this is going and what the conflict might involve. Good job. 2nd place. LM
Bayou Blue: Excellent first line. The unnecessary "Driving the crone..." line slowed the opening and detracted from its quality, I thought. Otherwise, imaginative and a stand-out FIRST this month. -- SA
The opening sentence is a little unclear, as it sounds like he had gotten no pleasure from it having been three months, rather than from having captured the woman's soul. Ignoring that though, it does provide a past reference, but the rest of the first paragraph is then mostly background. Nothing actually happens in the present until the second paragraph. The first couple of sentences of the second paragraph then seem to provide unnecessary detail, slowing the story down. Does it matter where he put his hat and boots, and that he put a barrier around them? Perhaps it does later, but it stands out now as being irrelevant. And the final sentence jumps out of his POV, making an omniscient observation. Still, makes second place. - WJS
Detailed enough and interestingly weird enough to pull me in. FIRST -dp
Bayou Blue: Got my second place vote. I like the set-up and want to see what's going to happen next. Excellent hook. Writing flows nicely. KS
OutSTANDING first sentence. POV shift in the last sentence. I�d keep reading. SECOND. It appears sociopaths are in this month. Third one so far.---Jeff Corkern
I like this. Nice job on the past/present in the opening line. Where's the rest? First place -SWH
Bayou Blue -- Crawdads, anyone? Mine. --Josh
This entry offered the best opening line of the month, but lost me soon after. What is the POVC insinuating here: "Driving the crone to do his bidding offered all the thrills of steering a ramshackle wagon . . ." Then in the last line we experience a jarring change of POV. Why go into the old woman's head for what can only be one sentence? WA Second Place (on the strength of that first line)
Well, you aren't leaving the setting in any doubt - voodoo, Bayou, Boudreaux, and Terrebonne Parish all within the title and first paragraph -- we's sure in the Big Easy's neighbourhood, cher. The whole thing is very nicely written, the only thing that isn't clear is whether he's using the egg woman like a zombie, or riding her body with his mind, like a loa. You also manage to work in a touch of backstory with the length of the possession, and a hint of things to come with the mention of his next target. Add something to clear up that confusion over the egg woman, either him looking at her, or him obviously seeing through her eyes and I won't have anything to quibble about. Places third, misses second purely on personal preference rather than quality. DG
My first impression is "Dark fantasy without a doubt." Well executed, but still dark fantasy. A pretty effective job of setting up the situation and implying questions-to-be-answered: who is this guy, where'd he get his powers, what exactly does he plan to do with his new target, and how (if at all) is the dead egg-woman going to figure back in. 2nd. - JW
Loved this opening. Gobs of atmosphere, but not stifling. Super past/present first sentence. We know a good bit about the MC and his situation by the end of the second sentence. Smooth, specific writing. Only false step was the apparent POV jump in the last graph. How does Wilson know she fell dead? (unless she's in the same room, or Wilson has The Sight -- neither of which are clear as written). Other than that, a top-notch opening. Finish it, please. - Admin.

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AN ALIEN SCORNED
      Though it'd been days since she'd last been with him, she could almost feel his many tentacles wrapped around her, and for a moment she pretended he still loved her. When she closed her eyes, the strength of his breath played on her exoskin, no more than a whisper of a different time, a murmur of promises now broken. They were to have had many lives together; the Queen had given her blessings at their hymeneal. And she didn't bless many unions.
      "You're such a moron, Kit." She should have known better than to give her heart to her mate.
      She slid her stick-like fingers into the controls, activating the pod. The orb-shaped vessel skirted the planet and ascended the atmosphere. The vast emptiness of space comforted Kit after days of scrutiny by the colony's elders and her so-called friends. They were all so anxious to see how she would react to his latest obsession. They were about to find out.
      Her exoskin curdled at the thought of his soft tentacles wrapped around earthlings, all snug and cozy in their chamber. She slammed the pod into gear, and jolted into hyperspace, bound for Earth.
COMMENTS
AN ALIEN SCORNED I had trouble with this opening for the same reasons I had trouble getting through "Perdido Street Station"... I just don't get into buggy/alien stories. Have difficulty identifying with characters and it's a wholly personal preference. No real faults with the writing, but no vote either due to crawling skin and the urge to swat something with a rolled up newspaper. Sorry... - LM
An Alien Scorned: The word 'moron' felt out of place given the language in the first paragraph. Would read on a little, as there are lots of ways this idea could go. SECOND. -- SA
Nice opening sentence with a past reference. I'd drop the word "many" though. If she wants to mention the quantity, give the exact number, which presumably she would know. The use of "many" sounds like the comment of an outside observer who hasn't taken the time to count them. I'd drop the last two sentences of the first paragraph too, as they're unnecessary background at this point. "You're such a moron, Kit" - I assumed this was her talking to her mate, but the next paragraph makes it clear that she is Kit. "her stick-like fingers" - this also sounds like an outsider's comment, as she wouldn't likely consider her own fingers "stick-like". To her they'd just be normal. "ascended the atmosphere" - ascend is generally an intransitive verb, so would need to be followed by something like "into". Makes third place. - WJS
A valiant attempt, alas alien POV doesn't really do it for me, even when there's a hint of humor involved. -dp
An Alien Scorned: Conjurs up images of octopus sex. Sorry. Couldn't get into it at all. Too much exoskin and tentacles wrapping for my tastes and seems like a forced take on a woman scorned. KS
Humor? BEM fondling Earth women until wifey arrives with a rolling pin in each tentacle and murder in every one of her seven eyes? If humor, make it louder, more in-your-face.---Jeff Corkern
Mine. --SWH
An Alien Scorned -- Has potential, though I'm generally not keen on alien POV tales. I'd read on at least a little farther to this one, however. Makes first pass. Gets an honorable mention. --Josh
"They were to have had many lives together" Grammatically correct--but sheesh. "Her exoskin curdled at the thought of his soft tentacles wrapped around earthlings, all snug and cozy in their chamber." What chamber, whose chamber? This one has some humorous potential, but needs tightened up. WA First Place
'Hell hath no fury...' I think we'll all get the message on this one. My main quibble would be the mention of 'exo-skin' and 'stick like fingers': if the two together are meant to indicate she's wearing some kind of human suit then would she imagine feeling his breath playing on the exo-skin? Wouldn't she really imagine it on her own skin? Clear that quibble up and you should be free to develop it in whatever way the plot curdles... DG
Strange, and somewhat disconcerting. The physical description is of an alien -- a _very_ alien alien -- but the mind inside might as well be human. There's no sense of "alien-ness" in the way the person thinks and talks. That's a serious enough flaw that it basically kills my interest in the whole set-up. JW
Kudos for working with an alien MC. And the concept of a jealously insectoid type is both funny and creepy, which I like. I'm still undecided about the tone, IOW -- should it be a bit more alien/less colloquially human? Or is it entirely appropriate to assume that we're seeing Kit's feelings in translation anyway -- and that she is, indeed, thinking the alien version of "moron"? I guess either one will work, as long as you're consistent. I'd read on -- but I'd want to know (by the end of the story) that there's a reason you've chosen an alien, rather than a human, protagonist. - Admin

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FIRE MISSION
      "We're not ready, Captain," I said, twitching my tail in frustration. "Command has really got their head up their asses with this one. Our last mission nearly finished us."
      "Decision's made," the Captain said. Behind him Joker, the team humor and ethics specialist, came swimming up the canal from the beach toward us, long steady tail strokes leaving S'es in his wake. "Your team drops in thirty days."
      "Sir, why the hurry?" I said as Joker reached us.
      "Because of a damn science genius," said the Captain. "We don't intervene, intel projects they'll be extinct in four lifetimes. Your team was selected because the culture's similar to Thirties Earth."
      "Because of the Earth?" I bleated. "Sir, we lost at the Earth! Nothing breathes there now!"
      "Where is it?" Joker asked, always blithe.
      "Where is it," the Captain echoed. An old joke, but "No laugh too cheap!" was Joker's motto. "Far, far away, soldier."
      "Dammit——"
      "I don't want to hear it, Sergeant!" the Captain interrupted. "You will take this race and drive them to the Awakening, and that is an order! In service."
      "Yes, sir," I said, resigned, What a fucked-up, weary mess. "In service to the love of God."
COMMENTS
FIRE MISSION Good set up of situation and conflict, but the dialogue was difficult to follow and I never fail to think I am missing something when characters go into "But Captain!"-mode. - LM
Fire Mission: I liked the "No laugh too cheap" line, but I didn't understand what the joke was in asking where Earth was. Joker is a terrible name for a humour specialist - if it is a (bad) nickname, then perhaps give it in quotes the first time it is mentioned. This almost reads like a complete flash fiction piece. "S'es" should be "esses" if talking about S-shaped ripples. Little conflict; wouldn't read on. -- SA
This one didn't do much for me. I didn't understand the joke, and stories of captains forcing their men where they know they shouldn't be going seems a little hackneyed. "head up their asses" - one head up multiple asses: now _there's_ a party trick . - WJS
A valiant attempt, alas alien POV doesn't really do it for me, especially when it's not really all that alien. -dp
Fire Mission: Too much here that made me go back to re-read and that is never popular with me. I want to get into something and get pulled along even if unwillingly. I think this one may suffer from a case of too much dialogue and not enough substance to give me a look at things. Somebodies got a tail, somebody else is swimming, I don't know if we're inside or outside, aquatic or land-based... and Joker's "old joke" I just don't get. I may not need all of this in the first couple hundred words but I do need something. KS
Mine. A truly lousy opening, but it is expanding quite nicely.---Jeff Corkern
Dialogue in opening line didn't work for me. Story seems bleak. Lots of info packed into this opening. Needs more action, I think. Lots of great ideas to work with, though. Could prove an interesting tale. -SWH
Fire Mission -- Another alien POV story, this time with fish. The attempts at anthropomorphism don't really work for me. Sorry. No vote. --Josh
These talking heads speak and think like humans, but the only description offered leaves us to believe they're aliens. One's a fish-like creature: "came swimming up the canal from the beach toward us, long steady tail strokes leaving S'es in his wake," and another one's a sheep: "'Because of the Earth?' I bleated." WA
Now this definitely captures the attention, backstory aplenty and plot potential to match. The structure is familiar enough to readers of military SF (though with some obvious wrinkles compared to the typical case), which may turn some people off before they give the story a chance, but I'm not one of them. We don't know a lot about these people or their universe, but this would have me turning the page to find out - which makes it my first place for the month. DG
There isn't much sense of alien-ness about these aliens either, but in this case it works a bit better for some reason. It's a bit weak in terms of the special challenge set for this month, but overall it works pretty well. 3rd - JW
Hmm. Took me a second read to realize these were aliens (despite the tail in the first graph, which seemed almost a throwaway). Stories that opening with conversation are a bit unnerving, IMO -- because I don't have a sense of the setting or the characters, I can't read between the lines -- Also, I have no idea what the Captain looks like, and I'm really not sure _what_ they're talking about, and I don't get the joke, and do fishy aliens believe in God? Okay, so maybe the Jesuits built missions in space -- but hmm. Too many disconnected ideas for my feeble mind, I'm afraid. Find a solid MC, stay in his/her POV, and _show_ us the story unfolding through his eyes (or visual mechanism, or whatever ). - Admin.

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COLONY GEMINAC ONE
      "Guess it's been too long since I taught you who was boss, woman."
      Merriam lowered the clipboard and backed away, but held her pencil ready with a white-knuckled grip.
      "I�m telling you this will increase our yield by—"
      "You're telling me? You don't tell me anything." Frank advanced, his face screwed into an ugly snarl.
      "But our greenhouse could be twice as productive."
      He stopped two feet away from her.
      "Productive, that�s a nice word for you to use, isn�t it? Why don�t you produce what God intended you to, and give us some new blood?"
      Geminac�s twin suns had reached their zenith, and the fiery eyes blazed through the windows of the makeshift lab, making her skin even hotter. She knew she had no reason to be ashamed in front of this bully, but at the same time the colony needed children, and she was incapable of doing her part.
      "Captain Freeman told me—"
      "Captain Freeman�s ideas about how this place should be run are as dead as he is. . . . I don�t like being a tyrant, Merriam."
      The pencil remained poised. She�d promised herself the last time that Frank would never hurt her again.
COMMENTS
COLONY GEMINAC ONE I don't know if I would turn the page to see how this ugly situation plays out... despite the fact that said situation and conflict are nicely set up. - LM
Colony Geminac One: It doesn't seem plausible that women should have regressed so much in their social standing in this future distant enough for colonies to be possible. Some conflict, but I'm assuming she is going to stab him with her pencil, which holds no interest as it doesn't make use of the speculative elements present. First line suggests a wife-beating theme that I don't want to read about; the rest of the opening doesn't suggest that this will be any different from other familiar treatments of this theme, so I wouldn't read on, I'm afraid. No vote. -- SA
Reads well enough, but I didn't find it very compelling. I think it needs a hint of some conflict beyond just a bully and a woman who can't bear children. - WJS
Starts too suddenly for my liking -- could easily have earned a vote by starting just a couple seconds earlier when Frank arrives and Merriam reacts to his menacing presence. -dp
Fire Mission: Too much here that made me go back to re-read and that is never popular with me. I want to get into something and get pulled along even if unwillingly. I think this one may suffer from a case of too much dialogue and not enough substance to give me a look at things. Somebodies got a tail, somebody else is swimming, I don't know if we're inside or outside, aquatic or land-based... and Joker's "old joke" I just don't get. I may not need all of this in the first couple hundred words but I do need something. KS
The balance isn�t right. We set the conflict, then the scene. The two need to be intermingled.---Jeff Corkern
Dialogue in opening line didn't work for me. Didn't really care for this opening; it has a little too much tension and conflict. Might work better if it were scaled back to just deal with the problems of the colony for now. -SWH
Colony Geminac One -- Merriam should just shoot the bastard and be done with it. *That* would have gotten my attention. As is, sorry, no vote. --Josh
COLONY GEMINAC ONE: Mine -WA
Now here's a character who needs an unpleasant comeuppance... My main concern is the 'I don't like being a tyrant, Merriam', it doesn't fit the character of a man who would come up with that first line. He might use it if he was trying to persuade her to his view, but he very obviously isn't in a persuading frame of mind. You can either go straight into a confrontation from here, or have one side back down, my instinct would be to have the confrontation, even if the overall story concept requires Merriam to lose it at this point because she is meant to win the 'war' as a climax. DG
Throw away the first sentence, and this opening would be a LOT better -- good enough to get a third-place vote, maybe even second place. Any story in which the very first sentence is so obviously dark, and implies a vicious, nasty story to come, would lose me as a reader right away. The rest of the piece does a quite acceptable job of establishing the atmosphere of menace without the pure, raw brutality implied by the first sentence JW
Potential multiple conflicts here -- abusive man, infertile woman, struggling space colony -- but nothing really fresh, IMO. A few hiccups (which may be due to Webview formatting) when I didn't know who was speaking -- this may be a place where some simple dialogue tags might be helpful for clarity. Also -- I can't imagine that such a bully would actually say he doesn't like being a tyrant --A lot of conventional setups here, which could be saved, IMO, by turning any of them on their head, e.g. have Merriam pocket a weapon (maybe the pencil she's holding "reading with a white-knuckled grip") shoots poison darts . Or have another character or situation enter to upset the balance. Too much inertia here - therefore no tension as written, IMO. - Admin.

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