September 2003 Best Openings Contest
When Joe Maxim nailed the punch line about the skeleton walking into a bar, and the ghouls in the front row didn't crack a smile, he knew it was going to be a long night. IT KILLED 'EM IN CLEVELAND
Or possibly a painfully short one.
"Okay, okay. So it killed 'em in Cleveland," Joe called out. "Get it? Killed 'em? Hey, anybody here from Cleveland? No? Okay, so anybody here from Earth?"
Half a dozen vampires in the back raised their hands.
"Great, great. Brought the whole family, did you? Very nice. Got a good one for you." Joe adjusted his mic stand for the fourth time. "Whaddya call a vampire with a suntan?"
"'Dead!'" the vampires groaned in unison.
"Okay, okay, just warming up," Joe said, "So what does a vampire say when..."
"Fangs for the memories!"
With a desperate look at the zombies now lurching toward the stage, Joe signaled the bandleader. An earsplitting medley of intergalactic lounge hits covered his retreat to the corner booth.
Someone plunked down a foaming mug of Tuban ale in front of him.
"Sometimes there's no place to go but up, eh?" The speaker was tall and pale green, with a low voice. Two months ago, Joe would've pegged him as male, but now he never assumed.
"And you are?" Joe asked. One, two, three, four arms on the stranger, at least. Safer to stay put.
"Ah. Well, you could think of me as your new employer, Mr. Maxim. At least, that would be my recommendation."(At this point, the bandleader—who is a six-armed Andromedan, as are all the top conductors in the galaxy—cuts off the combo in the middle of "Metamorphic Baby," gazes up in the general direction of the author, and burbles reproachfully, "You f orgot the transition again. I keep telling you, Wing: Jazz doesn't work without the bridge." A feeble voice responds, "Oops.")
So it's not good jazz, but it'll have to do:
TOP honors in the BOC for September 2003 go to:
Josh Langston for "Skin Deep"!Yayyyyyyy!
Coming in a very close SECOND - a mere one point behind - is
Sara Walker Howe for "Prodigal Daemon Daughter."Ooga Ooga!
And in THIRD place....
Derek Paterson for "City of Shame"Woo-hoo!
(with B.J.Galler and "Willy Watkins" a close fourth - Good work!)
Here are the totals for the month of September:
Author 1st 2nd 3rd voted Total Josh Langston (Skin Deep) 12 2 3 3 20 Sara Walker Howe (Prodigal Daemon Daughter) 9 6 1 3 19 Derek Paterson (City of Shame) 6 4 1 3 14 BJ Galler-Smith (Willy Watkins) 3 4 2 3 12 Lisa Mantchev (The Queen's Handbag) 3 2 3 8 Wayne Sowry (The Party) 3 2 3 8 Martin MacArthur (The Trouble with Klebs) 2 3 5 Anne L Warner (Bureaucracy) 2 3 5 Jeff Boman (The Yag Trail) 2 3 5 Hanna W (Hell on Earth) 2 2 Sophia Ahmed (voted only) 3 3 GiediCabbit (voted only) 3 3 Wendy Gasperazzo (voted only) 3 3A few general comments regarding this month’s BOC:
From Lisa Mantchev: There were a few entries this month that didn't seem to be going for humor. Given that that was Susan's assignment, I didn't offer votes to any of the serious pieces...
From Derek Paterson: No third place vote assigned. (This is allowed, BTW – No need to give votes if the entries don’t cut it, in your opinion).
From Jeff Boman:
From me: Remember I noted that humor was subjective? To say the least <g>: You’ll notice that every single one of this month’s entrants got at least one first, second, or third place vote. This lack of consensus runs through the comments, as w ell; it’s apparent readers had a difficult time finding entries that completely impressed them. <wry g>; in fact, based on comments, I'd say most readers felt that at least a few of the entries were distinctly un-funny <g>.
Alas, I'm not sure we've reached any resounding conclusion about "how to write funny" with this BOC; I'm not a writing instructor, so I'm not prepared to offer a diagnosis. I dunno. They say laughter is a universal language; apparent ly, what makes us laugh is not <g>. (But I will think on it; perhaps the BOC isn't the right place...)
Again, thanks for being such good sports. At the rate I'm going, you will be so relieved to have a new Admin next quarter <g>.
Onward and upward...
Index THE TROUBLE WITH KLEBS by Martin MacArthur
THE QUEEN'S HANDBAG by Lisa Mantchev
THE PARTY by Wayne Sowry
HELL ON EARTH by Hanna W
SKIN DEEP by Josh Langston
CITY OF SHAME by Derek Paterson
BUREAUCRACY by Anne L. Warner
PRODIGAL DAEMON DAUGHTER by Sara Walker Howe
THE YAG TRAIL by Jeff Boman
WILLY WATKINS by B.J. Galler
THE TROUBLE WITH KLEBS by Martin MacArthur
I swear, if I come through alive this time, I'll never leave home again. Or at least not for a crummy assignment like this. Freezing all the time, dirty primitives everywhere—when they aren't whining and complaining, they're trying to kill me . Chucking those hard skinned fruit rinds across the compound fence and nearly taking my heads off. Here I am squatting in the cold mud trying to make diplomatic noises, and all they want is a solid hit.
That lousy Urak at headquarters got me into this. I should never have let him push me like that. He hasn't had a field assignment since the Darsh episode, and even that was a piece of cake. I'll kick his pobbish good when I get home, believe me.
Let me see if I can recall just how he did it, so it won't happen again. I'll just close a few eyes so I can concentrate. Now, let's see.
"I told you not to have that last drink, you fool," Urak said. "Even a full grown Kleb can't handle that much fermented bish. You would have been under the table with a blade in your plastrak, if I hadn't rescued you." He leaned back, propping him self on his stubby tail. "And now what am I supposed to do with you?"
I looked at him with real dislike for a minute. What a pain he had been, and what a pain he still was. My plath turned purple with anger.COMMENTS
I was thrown off by the multiple alien references at first but rapidly got into the story and wasn't bothered by them anymore. Nice rhythm, well written and I was caught nicely offguard by the 'few eyes' comment. :::-) The humour and conflict were well in tegrated. Keep writing and I'll keep reading. Very nearly made my top 3. WG
Funny bits. The flashback threw me out. Conflict okay, and I'd likely glance ahead, but didn't grab me completely. (BJ)
For me, the unclear made up words are a turn off. Otherwise, it's not a thrill. It implies a hard- drinking society full of nasty types who will stab anyone whose guard slips. I'm not sure I see the humor. AW
I wasn't aware of any interesting conflict in this. I was very aware of author intrusion when the protagonist was recalling the earlier scene. I wanted a mental picture of the protagonist, but all I read was mostly alien terms that didn't tell me much. So rry to be so negative, but this didn't make me want to read on.—SA
Conflict, yes. Laughs, a few. I’ll admit, this one got me to laugh on the "I'll kick his pobbish good when I get home, believe me" line, but after that, the made-up words grated (just like profanity, which looses its impact with r epeated use.) It would be an easy fix to tone this down... Gets a 2nd place vote. - LM—-
There's conflict here, but it doesn't feel terribly urgent. The use of alien-sounding words in common phrases is cute, but quickly wears thin. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
I have to wonder who exactly is doing all the whining and complaining <g>. Starts with some conflict, but then loses any tension it might have had by wandering off into backstory. For a moment, it sounded like it might just be a frame, but it doesn' t seem to go back far enough for that. - WJS
No Vote. This is intriguing. I want to know why this character is on the receiving end of flying fruit. I found this situation humourous. Unfortunately, the flashback took away from the mounting tension. It pulled me out of the moment and wasn't what I ex pected. The writing itself worked for me, and beyond the flashback, I would read on. SWH
This opening made my plath turn yellow, and you know what that means! The first paragraph held much promise. But as for the rest... daft alien race names and nouns made for a corny read, alas. Been done before, not interesting enough. -dp
Utterly delightful story, full of humor and conflict, made me eager to read on and discover the wonderful story behind this amazingly entertaining opening. I rank this #1. (sigh)Oh, well, never mind that one.-MM
Confusing, no direction, forign language was unfamiliar -GC
I think that this was too far from recognizable. Drawing from the theory of Bolognium (mentioned in David Gerrold's book Worlds of Wonder, I believe from a theory by Larry Niven), you have too many non-human elements here (words like pobbish, ferme nted blish, plastrak) that we can't get a feel for the characters or identify with them. When the protagonist's "plath turned red with anger', I had no idea what that meant. I'm guessing the author was trying for absurdity as an attemt at humor , but it didn't work for me. -JB
I went against the flow on this one <g>. The alien terms gave me the giggles for the most part, even though I know the sheer profusion of 'em would trip most readers. Because it was so over the top, I saw a parody here, I guess . <shrug>. But FWIW, the pobbishes (great word <g>) and plastraks would have played better if the rest of the opening had been smoother. Remember, the reader's trying to lock onto a setting and character—and here the setting's not clearly described, and the MC's not human—which means the reader has to work harder to settle on the character. (I did like the way you stuck in "heads" and "eyes, " however. Subtle <g>). Jumpin g into a flashback so early didn't help; as it stands, the flashback feels like an excuse for the MC to reveal that he's got lots of eyes, IOW, not enough to justify it. If you can clarify the situation/character OR simplify the vocabulary— ;and if you could replace the flashback with a present-tense confrontation—that also would suggest what conflict the MC is facing now (other than getting beaned with fruit rinds), this would be a lot stronger, IMO. Admin.
THE QUEEN'S HANDBAG by Lisa Mantchev
Sylvia found the abandoned handbag sitting next to the gate at Buckingham Palace, and she assumed someone had forgotten it in the recent excitement over the changing of the guard. She hitched her backpack onto her shoulder, let her camera hang by the neck strap and hefted the purse up for closer examination.
Leather. Designer label. Fine craftsmanship. It even smelled expensive.
No, this was not the handbag of an idle visitor. This was One Serious Purse.
"What's the hold up?"
Evan had returned with another roll of film and a bag of chips—no, crisps, Sylvia corrected herself. She held up the purse and shrugged her shoulders.
"Found this just sitting here on the sidewalk. No one nearby, either."
Evan crammed a few more crisps in his mouth. "Lost and found?"
"I'll ask the guard."
Sylvia didn't expect to get much information from him. She also didn't expect that he would lunge out to catch her by the wrist.
"Here now! Where did you find this, miss?"
Sylvia attempted to recover her breath and her hand. "I thought you guys weren't supposed to talk! Or move!"
"You'll have to come with me, miss."
"Let me go. Police—er, bobbie! Beefeater! Help!"
The guard towed her toward the gatehouse as a red, doubledecker bus pulled away from the curb. Sylvia dragged her heels and waved her free arm at Evan, who was apparently paralyzed with shock.
"I'm being assaulted! And the tour bus is leaving without us!"COMMENTS
That guard sure is on the ball! As a man (of admittedly poor taste) one designer handbag looks pretty much like another to me. And the Queen probably has a very large collection of those to suit any occasion (handbags which get copied and sell well as s oon as seen by the public). The guard's reaction threw me off the story as improbable and out of character. They are very unlikely to jump on everyone carrying a designer leather bag, even a familiar design. I guess my suspension of disbelief wouldn't have been so severel y tested if Sylvia had approached an impassible guard, told him about finding the bag and done/said something that really got the guard's attention. The writing was good but I couldn't get into the story and wouldn't read on. No vote. WG
Funny. Conflict good and I'd read on. THIRD (BJ)
This one would keep me reading. Can she get a refund from the tour company? The title telegraphs at least a large part of the joke, unnecessarily, I think. Why didn't Sylvia even try to answer the guard's question? I assume things can only get worse. < evil grin> AW
: I felt impatient for a conflict reading this. The title gives away the hook, so there doesn't seem to be much reason to read on. I had the thought that if the writing style was changed slightly, this would appeal to me as a fun children's story. As it i s though, sorry, but no vote.—SA
Mine. :P - LM
No shortage of conflict here, and the writing is okay. There's also potential for humor, but I'm not sure it could be pulled off within the existing word limit. Limps thru the first pass and finishes third as one of only three entries to make it that far. —Josh
Sorry, but I don't find this sort of conflict terribly interesting. It's all a bit mundane. And I don't really see anything humourous about it either. - WJS
No Vote. The situation is humourous, and the piece moves along quickly and with increasing tension. But the paragraph beginning with "The guard towed her toward the gatehouse..." halted the tension. I felt you had a great stream going, but suddenly dammed it. It would be better to jump right to "Help me! No wait! The tour bus is leaving without us!" Also the line "Sylvia didn't expect to get much information from him" isn't descriptive enough for me. This would be a good spot to throw in a metaphor or sim ile and compare the guard to a wax museum statue or some such. Having said all that, I would read on. <g> SWH
I see no reason why this simple misunderstanding can't be cleared up quickly. There's no promise of conflict or story to come, just the minor inconvenience of missing their bus. -dp
Not really funny, except for the "Beefeater" remark. The opening was mildly amusing, but had no interplay between the main characters to create tension. Yes, I would want to read more, if just to see why someone in this day and age would pick up a package left by some unknown person in a public place. (Rating #5)-MM
Not an important or compelling story - GC
I didn't find the science fiction in this, but I'm guessing there's an urban fantasy twist to come. It succeeded at what it was supposed to do: an opening that made you want to see what happens next. I liked the dry wit reaction of the protagon ist, seeing the departure of her tour bus as very important. FIRST -JB
Hmm. Smoothly written, just not a lot of meat on this one. Okay, if Sandra Bullock's playing Sylvia, maybe this would feel like the first scene to a big-screen romantic comedy, but the suggestion of fun and games isn't presented in t his opening. Come to think of it—not a bad set-up for a screenplay if the purse connection leads to a high-spirited caper film. Or something. But in fiction, we have to do the work of the sound track and the cinematog raphy to set the scene—and right now, it's missing a few layers, IMO. A speculative element might perk up this opening; if there is one, drop a hint by this point, I think. — Admin.
THE PARTY by Wayne Sowry
For Mickey Zobo, the party really started to rock when the dancing hyenas took to the floor. They swirled around in a rabid furor, cackling and snapping at each other in time to the music. Their teeth dripped with saliva. Look at them go, he thought, sinking further into the lounge chair and taking another mouthful of punch. And such realistic costumes.
Except it wasn't that sort of party.
"Crazy scavengers," growled a voice to his left, rumbling between the thumping bass and piercing treble of the music. He flopped his head sideways to find himself staring into the baleful eyes of a very feline-looking tiger. "They'll be thirsty af ter this." It casually licked its lips then turned and disappeared into the throng of party-goers, none of whom paid it the slightest attention.
Just as they ignored the hyenas on the dance floor.
He drained the rest of his punch. As if by the flick of a switch, the drunken liveliness of a few minutes ago became an immense weariness. He struggled against the weight of his eyelids, while on the floor, the creatures' movements dissolved into a blur. The room distorted and spun.
A shrill noise, like a scream, clashed with the beat of the music. He forced his eyes open, unaware that he'd even closed them, and tried to focus on the frenzy around him.
The dance floor now sat idle.
"I think we'd better go," the voice growled again in his ear.COMMENTS
"And such realistic costumes. Except it wasn't that sort of party."—Does this suggest that Mickey doesn't realise that it's not that kind of party? I was left unsure. " He struggled against the weight of his eyelids, while on the floor, the creatures' movements dissolved into a blur." —I think you have a misplaced comma there. Shouldn't it be " He struggled against the weight of his eyelids while, on the floor, .. . " "The dance floor now sat idle."—That sentence doesn't sound right to me. My mind keeps trying to picture a seated dance floor. I can be so literal sometimes. :) The potential for conflict is there but the humour is a bit subdued, considering it's one of the judging points this month. Overall, an intriguing and nicely written surrealist opening. I would read on to see where it's going. Misses the cut fo r the top 3 though. No vote. WG
Didn't quite do it for me—rabid dancing hyenas didn't tickle my funny bone. Conflict okay, but I'm not likely to glance ahead—the milieu didn't appeal to me. I Sorry. I do like the name Mickey Zobo, though. (BJ)
Is our hero an animal? How did he get there? Aaahh. They're all party animals. But nothing has really happened to start the action. AW
This was the most interesting of the entries for me. Well written, with nice humour at the start, although that disappeared during the second half. I'd read on, hoping that it starts to make sense soon. First.—SA
Conflict, yes. Laughs, not a one. Good opening, though, and I would probably read on becayse this story will work just fine without attempting to make it a humorous piece... - LM
Not sure where this one is headed; alas, it'll have to get there without me. While I can identify with the POVC's drinking issues, I can't tell if the setting is coming from his glass or not. Nor can he. The opening sentence suggests he's been there for a good while and isn't bothered by the presence of dancing hyenas or talking tigers. For some reason, I kept thinking "tigers aren't native to Africa." Yeah, I know; I'm being overly picky. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
SECOND. You had me smiling right from the first line. I thought this piece was interesting and creative. I have only one suggestion. I found "He flopped his head sideways" needed to be more specific. Mickey flopped his head sideways..." is better. In fact , looking at it again, Mickey's name isn't mentioned again in the piece. It should be, or else the hyenas end up taking over. <g> SWH
Mine. - WJS
Nothing suggests this opening is anything other than a bad acid trip, sorry. -dp
Dancing hyenas, eh? Waltzing Matilda, too, I suppose. There was no attempt at humor, though, and the story was relaxed and easy going. It was nice to read, but inspired no onward interest. Rating #6-MM
Bland, ininteresting, wierd images (at least that's what was evoked in my mind), again, not a compelling plot or story line - GC
First line had me laughing, but by the time you mentioned "it wasn't that sort of party," I realized it wasn't that sort of BOC. I think there's a situation here, possibly conflict—and the setting is interesting, but I was tossed around a bit by some POV jumps and word choices: The big revelation that "it wasn't that sort of party" is certainly omniscient—since Mickey's just make his observation about costumes. This throws me out of Mickey's POV, and I spent the following p aragraph scrambling to return to it. "geline-looking tiger"—as opposed to what? <g> Aren't they big cats? "flopped his head sideways"—loose neck I usually associate with bodies that are asleep or dead. "He drained the rest of his punch"&# 151;last male referred to is the tiger. Repeat Mickey's name here. "the voice growled again in his ear." Repeat the connection with the tiger. The visual image of the tiger had replaced the memory of his voice in my mind.& nbsp; IOW, I had to go back to figure out which voice you meant. I'd read on, 'cause it's creepy. But it's not funny <g>— Admin.
HELL ON EARTH by Hanna W
If you're Jewish, you don't have to die to go to Hell.
You grow up hearing your grand parents talk about Nazi Germany.
Then your parents tell you how ungrateful you are for not appreciating all they have given you, all they didn't have themselves.
And when you get married, your mother-in-law makes sure you know that you aren't good enough for her son.
Besides, as an observant Jew, we don't believe in Hell.
So, why am I here?COMMENTS
Hmmm... That one didn't do anything for me. The writing is competent. I wonder where "here" is. But I wouldn't read on. No vote. WG
Made me smile. Conflict not well established—you have room to set up just a little more guilt/angst. I would read on, as the hook worked very well. (BJ)
I gave this one my third place vote. It's very close to second. Again, I don't see what's happening to the heroine. There's no action to start things moving. The static monologue is good, but not as engrossing as a more active start.AW
Very dark humour. I wish the author had continued this opening, as having the protagonist literally being in Hell and seeing things from her rather gloomy viewpoint could be interesting. As it is, there isn't enough information about the conflict to draw me in, and I am left with the suspicion that this is mainstream, not speculative fiction, which does not make me want to read on.—SA
Conflict, no. Laughs, certainly not. I didn't pick up on a story line, merely a lot of ugliness that left me wincing. - LM
This month's flash fiction entry. Sorry, there's not enough here to keep me going. —Josh
The question on everyone's lips, but not one I'm interested in finding an answer to in this case. All contemplation, with no humour and nothing happening. - WJS
No Vote. I'm afraid I missed the humour. I realize the word count is limited, but I felt more words were needed in this piece. Also, the gender of the main character isn't revealed until the end of the fourth line and I found that too late. Until then I t hought the MC was male. SWH
Now that the intro to the character's background is delivered, what happens? Where's the story? Author's decision to only provide so much is a bad one. -dp
This makes little sense, is not even mildly amusing, and has no stress or tension to it at all. I thought one-sentence paragraphs went out years ago. There is nothing funny about Nazi Germany that I have ever been able to find. Rating #9-MM
Bland, narrative mode didn't help in my case. Images were too scratchy and kaleidoscopic, again it's probably me - GC
As a fan of early Woody Allen-style humor, the wit here really popped out at me. This seemed another example of an opener that made me curious to read on. My only gripe here: it just felt too short. It's a concise opening, but in tha t it felt too brief. THIRD - JB
This could be a good opening to an edgy personal essay—but it doesn't read as a story opening as it stands now, IMO. I have a sense of the character, but not her setting, nor her conflict. Does the last sentence mean she actuall y is in Hell? This would be an interesting set-up, if you can go on to show what that means in terms of setting—and indicate what specific challenge it means for the MC. Also, if you want to keep the tone humorous (albeit with an edge)—you'll be walking a thin line in any references to the Holocaust—real easy to slip from black comedy into bad taste, IMO. But parent-child dynamics are always good for a laugh and a cry—so although it's not there y et—I think it might be worth working on. Admin.
SKIN DEEP by Josh Langston
Daniel Haggarty nursed a bottle of Bushmills in a corner booth at McGinty's. He looked up as if I'd given off a sucker alert. His smile impaled his dimples as I took a seat across from him. "I should have my head examined."
"Nonsense. You look great, Sean," he said. "It's been too long."
"I was thinking just the opposite."
His smile never wavered. "You know better than to pass up an opportunity."
"No, I'm just a slow learner." It's true. I'd sworn off Dan Haggarty forever, but when he left a message begging me to meet him, I caved. "So, what's the deal this time?"
The smile nudged his dimples dangerously close to his ears. "It's the chance of a lifetime."
"Mine or yours?" I poured myself a drink. "Why is it no one else ever approaches me with crazy schemes?"
"This isn't crazy; it's a wonderful opportunity. If not for a prior commitment, I'd pounce on it myself."
I tried to imagine my rotund companion pouncing on anything that wasn't edible. I must've frowned.
"You're not still mad about that uranium thing are you?" he asked.
"Not since I stopped glowing in the dark."
"I feel badly about that, Sean. Really. It's the reason I instantly thought of you when I heard about the pageant."
"Pageant?" Damn. He had me already, and knew it. "What kind of pageant?"
"A beauty pageant, of course. You're going to be a judge."
I couldn't wait to hear the catch.COMMENTS
"I couldn't wait to hear the catch"—Me neither. This is very nicely written, with just the right touch of humour. FIRST PLACE. WG
Smiled all the way through it—in spite of thinking Grizzly Adams at "Daniel Haggarty" Good conflict set up and I would certainly read on. FIRST (BJ)
I can't give a balanced comment on this one. Drunken Irishmen push too many wrong buttons for me. The punch line is cute. AW
The, "Not since I stopped glowing in the dark" line made me smile, but the rest of the opening was a bit too fast for the humour to work. I think, "I should have my head examined" should be a new paragraph, as it wasn't clear who was speaking. I wanted to know why a pageant would hook the protagonist, not just be told that it did. Just slowing this opening down a little would help. One early problem that distracted me: What does 'giving off a sucker alert' mean? I'd read on a little bit. Third.—SA
Conflict, yes. Laughs, yes. Subtle humor with reference to the dimples and pouncing, and I would definitely read on. Gets a 1st place vote. - LM
More like hip deep. Assuming the author survives the flogging to which such drek entitiles him, have the bugger drawn, quartered, and fed to the ducks. -Josh
Reads quite nicely, but all the dialog makes for a lot of similar short paragraphs and it's starting to sound a bit like a stage play. I don't really favour the simple "glow in the dark" type humour either, which portends an unsophisticated story of stale one-liners. Still, some conflict, and interesting enough to keep reading so far. Third place. - WJS
THIRD. This piece has great potential. "Glowing in the dark" got a smile. But I felt you could've exploited the tension and the humour more. I thought I might find out why Sean caved and went to meet Dan, but I never did. In my opinion, Sean gave in too e asily to Dan. What's Sean's motive? It should be hinted at here. However, you hooked me. I'd read on. SWH
Takes too long to get to the point, and when it gets to the point it lacks punch. This opening needs deeper emotion and more interesting characters, Irish names just aren't enough. -dp
The story of the con man and the mark is usually funny. This sounds like it will be pretty good. There was a realistic relationship between the characters, and the dialog was good. Yes, this I would enjoy reading. Rating #1.-MM
Where is the story going, not clear what story is this? - GC
I'm a modern-day film noire character come to life, so dialogue in that vein always sounds a chord with me. The lead-in leaves me curious what's to come... wondering what this pageant is, also how someone could handle being radioactive and live! SECOND - JB
Conversation is entertaining—and if it were filmed, and I had a clear sense of the speakers, and the bar, and the sounds and smells of the place, this would be a fun scene. But right now, it's a coupla talking heads floating in a vacuum &# 151;like several cartoon frames with only the speech balloons drawn in. Having said that <g>, I think you'd have a workable opening if you filled in the rest of the scene. (e.g. I want to hear the glasses clinking, loud outburs t from other tables—are these guys alone in the bar?—What about the smells? Is this a non-smoking place? <g>). I know you had only 250 words (that Wing, she's such a meanie! <g>). &# 151; but some of the early small-talk is probably expendable. Also, just a small nit—Suggest you attribute "I should have my head examined" to MC. Since Dan H. owns the opening paragraph, I thought he was the speaker here.&nbs p; But humor and conflict—yes, both of those are here <g>—Admin.
CITY OF SHAME by Derek Paterson
Alzia stared dead ahead as she led her troop further into the cesspit that was the Male Quarter. The stench of the brutes who dwelled here assailed her nostrils, but she conquered her nausea and kept moving until she found the building marked by the sign of the horned bull.
Her troop halted behind her. Alzia heard the clink of metal upon metal as they turned their heads this way and that, studying their unfamiliar surroundings. They had every right to be cautious. Women never entered the Male Quarter, the place was off-limits to all except male slaves. But tonight was an exception. Tonight Alzia intended to discover the truth behind her friend Calra's disappearance, and was prepared to risk everything, even her own life.
Monkey grunts and cries came from all directions. Alzia gripped her sword pommel. She hoped to have her business done and be out of here before the brutes could organize any response to the intrusion. She prayed th ey were incapable of doing so.
A shadow appeared in building's doorway. The naked, hairy, dirt-encrusted male stared at her with wide eyes. He stood hunched forward, his long arms dangling loose, knuckles almost touching the ground. Alzia's gaze settled upon his crotch. She shuddered, horrified. The brute wished to soil her!
"You look like the one who was here earlier," he said, astonishing her. Not only could the brute talk, his accent was as cultured as any she'd ever heard.COMMENTS
Well written but didn't grab me. I would read on a bit longer but it would need to get my attention soon. No vote. WG
Not too funny, but it did capture my interest. Conflict excellent and I'd definitely read on. SECOND. (BJ)
How could a society exist for any length of time with this sort of segregation and ignorance? They'd die out for lack of offspring. The basic concept has to be that it's a sham, which is fine, but how do you get whole troops of women who think men can't e ven speak? Not reasonable, and lacking verisimilitude. AW
Should be, "A shadow appeared in the building's doorway". Interesting set-up, although, "discovering the truth behind her friend Calra's disappearance" seemed quite childish-sounding compared to the rest of the opening. A couple of problems with co mma use (after, "Women never entered the Male Quarter", and before, "knuckles almost touching the ground.") I might read on a little, but the setting and characters lack appeal at the moment, and if they aren't drawn sympathetically soon (even from her vi ewpoint, Alzia comes across badly) I'd likely stop.—SA
Conflict, yes. Laughs, no. Good opening, though, and I would probably read on. This is another story that will work just fine without attempting to make it a humorous piece... - LM
Not exactly humorous (possibly owing to my terminally male condition), but worthy of a little further read. Makes first pass. Finishes second. —Josh
I like this. Nice conflict with a touch of humour, rather than being sacrificed for blatant comedy. "Alzia stared dead ahead"—perhaps a bit weak as an opening statement. "as they turned their heads this way and that"—also a bit weak I think. Per haps "as they looked around". First place. - WJS
No Vote. This is a wonderful and interesting piece, and were it not for the lack of humour I would have voted for it. It's got great conflict, good building up of tension, and the writing is strong. I have clear pictures of what's going on, and I'd certai nly read on. SWH
Mine, alas. I deserve to be whipped. Volunteers? -dp
Planet of the Apes revisited. An interesting situation, with built in tension, and carrying no humor at all. The descriptions and set up were well done, but I didn’t think they were funny. Rating #3.-MM
First Place, compelling, good image, good writing, strong direction. - GC
One thing stuck out to me here immediately, based on the theme we were given: I didn't see where humor came into this. We had the surprise at the end that a male actually sounded intelligent where intelligence wasn't expected, but this was merely a twist, not humor. I didn't really like the premise. The idea of males and females divided into separate camps/tribes/quarters/etc. is a premise we've seen used several times in other fiction. - JB
I find it curious that so many people thought this wasn't funny. I thought it was a rather amusing parody of the kick-butt fantasy heroine meets brawny male, hates him, sparks fly. I might have read it as a serious piece but f or the repetition of the word "brute" (four times <g>), and lines like "Alzia's gaze settled upon his crotch," <heh heh, of course, dangerous mission into enemy territory—what better time to think about sex? <g>), and, my personal fav orite: "The brute wished to soil her!" Pretty funny, I thought. Of course, maybe Derek meant the whole thing seriously, and this is simply a chunk of over-written drivel <g>. But I'd probably take it for laughs, and read on <g>.—Admin.
BUREAUCRACY by Anne L. Warner
"I'd be the last person to say this job shouldn't be fun, but this latest e-mail joke is eating up way too much of somebody's time." Mission Commander Charles Porthos surveyed his fellow astronauts, chuckling. "How long did it take to perfect the "Interstellar Transport Operator's Permit' application?"
"Don't ask me!"
"Didn't write it. Just filled it in."
"Not guilty!" The crew denied noisily.
"Okay. Okay." Porthos accepted the denials. "Let's get on with the actual subject of the meeting, so that we can all go back to work."
After discussing the status of everyone's special projects and of the ship itself, he closed the meeting with an update about their gear. "We heard from Galactic Outfitters. The new flight suits arrive next week, just one week to spare. I'm still not comfortable with these all-internet procurements. The samples were fine. I just have trouble believing the vendor's real."COMMENTS
That opening didn't click for me. I wouldn't read on. No vote. WG
A couple of smiles, but the conflict wasn't strong enough to propel me forward. The last paragraph seemed out of place and I couldn't quite see how it fit. I would likely peek ahead, though, to clarify the vendor, but the conflict needs to come pretty qui ck. (BJ)
This one is mine. I need to expand it considerably, and I fear my choice of viewpoint characters has painted me into a corner. AW
I didn't think much of this until the very last line, which drew me in. Lots of potential humour in the story, although what was shown here didn't work for me. The Commander 'chuckling' at the start was what put me off. I'd read on. Second.—SA
Conflict, sorta. Laughs, not really. Might read on, but I think the author could have given us a bit more to go on... - LM
Must've tried too hard to find the humor in this one. Sadly, it doesn't work for me. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
Sorry, doesn't do a thing for me. Talks about an email joke, but is not in itself very humourous. And where's the conflict? - WJS
No Vote. I'm missing something in the joke. I think with a few more words it would work better. And yes I know you only had 250 to work with. The humour is strictly at the beginning and the conflict strictly at the end. I think if you could find a way to sprinkle them in together, this piece would work better. SWH
I thought the application was the e-mail joke... and didn't get it. I dunno what's happening here but I know it didn't hook me in any way. Opening a story with a meeting must be one of the dullest ways to kick things off imaginable—unless something s ignificant happens at the meeting, which in this case it doesn't. -dp
I guess the funny part comes after this when they try on the uniforms. The tension must come then too, since there is none at this point. I might read on, but probably not. Rating #8-MM
Where is this story going?—looks like going into a really bland direction. Uninteresting. - GC
This was another case of a too-short opener for me. Mission Commander Charles Porthos is the only character mentioned by name, with the rest just bunched into a label of "the crew". This distancing also acted toward us caring about the people involved in the story. It also proved to be too brief to really draw us in with the idea of a story to follow. - JB
Hmm. There is a nugget of a potentially funny situation in this piece, but it's buried in the end of the final paragraph, when Porthos talks about the new flight suits, and the possibility the vendor's not real. I don't know how you' d work this into a story, but maybe the flight suits are virtual—sort of a futuristic take on "The Emperor's New Clothes" combined with commentary on power of Web, blah, blah, blah? I think you need to take this apart and reconfigure— making sure you give us a setting (nothing detailed, but where are we during the opening scene—the reader needs to know—and if you're not in the present tense, a sense of when we are is also helpful. The opening exchange is superfluous to the story, IMO—when you get to the line "Let's get on with the actual subject of the meeting"—yup, that's your cue <g>. The actual subject of your story comes after this point—Dump everything that comes before; it just takes up space, IMO. What you need to do with this depends a lot on what you're trying to say—go back to that initial inspiration, IMO, and, starting there, work from the ground up. - Admin.
PRODIGAL DAEMON DAUGHTER by Sara Walker Howe
The entrance to the cave lay between a pair of gnarled, leafless trees, looking just as I remembered it. I smiled, remembering many happy nights of soaring the night skies. Then the door flew open.
"Finally, you're home. You couldn't have gone to university to be something sensible. Like a poltergeist or a cacodaemon like your father. No. Thirty thousand Dung Dollars and seven years later, I got a daughter with a Masters in Human Relations."
My mother. Ever the nurturer. The perfect hag. "It's the way of the future, Mom. Nice to see you, too. Can I come in?"
"Do you have a job?"
"I was published in Daemon's World."
"Daemon's World published you?"
I held up my courtesy copy. "My article about human logic. It's been highly acclaimed."
"That's not a job. That's freelance."
"Can I come in?"
She stepped aside, and let me enter. "Your cousin Dredna makes good money with the Barkerville Banshee Choir. She's first soloist, too."
"Good for her." Cousin Dredna always wanted to be a succubus and probably feigned such talents on the choir master.
My father stood in the doorway to the kitchen with arms crossed, emitting a dark, foreboding look and a rotting, sinister smell. The perfect cacodaemon. "Well?"
"I got an A in human reasoning."
"Great. But do you have a job?"
I sighed. Nothing short of pure terror, absolute horror, or twenty thousand Dung Dollars a year would please my parents. "I start giving dogs nightmares tomorrow."COMMENTS
i loved it! The family conflict was nicely introduced and the last sentence had me laughing out loud. My main concern is that the opening could be a self contained Addams Family short story. What comes next will need to be equally good to mai ntain the interest. Also, one nitpick: "looking just as I remembered it. I smiled, remembering many happy nights of soaring the night skies." You might want to avoid using 'remember' twice there. Keep writing it! SECOND PLACE. WG
Honourable mention. Generally funny, though the last line lost me. Conflict didn't quite grab me, but came very close. I needed something bigger at the end. I would, however, read on. (BJ)
This was my first choice. I like the mix of mundane attitude and weirdness. The logic is fun. The concept is fun. How can you twist the job? AW
This feels almost like a completed piece by itself. No imminent conflict; no hint of a plot. The humour is okay, but predictable, I'm afraid. I'd read on to see if the next page has something happen—if this ends up as a complete story, the author cou ld cut this first scene and get away with just mentioning the events in one line.—SA
Conflict, yes. Laughs, sorta. A little over-the-top, which might get old after a while. Earns a 3rd place vote. - LM
Smiled several times at this one, despite the dung dollars (ick). And, I'd read some more if given the opportunity. Makes first pass. Finishes first. —Josh
Reads quite nicely, but I think is more comedy than conflict. I could see this as a TV comedy sketch rather than a story. - WJS
Mine. I'm still not happy with the opening paragraph. And the whole thing is not descriptive enough. I needed more words! SWH
Well, okay, I have to admit I can see elements of humor, and I can imagine the pressure the character is under which translates as conflict of sorts. So yes, it qualifies. Not only that, it gets FIRST. But to be honest I'm not sure if I'd want to read mor e, I suspect it's just not my thing, sorry. -dp
Yes, I liked this. The reader knows it is going to be funny right from the start. The menacing parents establish some tension, although not much, and I would certainly read more. Rating #2.-MM
2nd Place, very interesting, humoruos, creative. Not much bad stuff I can say about this one. - GC
A family reaction us writers are all too familiar with, here translated to a demonic world. That made for an amusing, ironic premise. As an opening though, it didn't succeed in drawing me in. It felt more to me like a "slice of life", a fixed s cene with a beginning, middle and end. -JB
Cute, amusing. Shows that parents and kids are funny, no matter what the species <g>. One of the reason this worked is that you took a real-life situation and twisted it into the speculative by making the family a bunch of daem ons. (FYI—l'il ol' clueless me had to look up "cacodaemon"—but the flow of the conversation carried me over this hurdle <g>). Subtle intro to situation without excess exposition: e.g. "soaring" the night skies. Lots o f tasty bits (devil is in the details? <groan>)—the cousin who always wanted to be a succubus (meowwww!), the Dung Dollars, and the tip of the hat to the writer's dilemma "That's not a job; that's freelance." <lol>. Only nits: the piece ends like flash fiction—kind of wrapped-up. The ongoing conflict with her parents is a constant, IOW, not something that would push the opening into the rest of the story. I think you need to insert a new "out of whack event," to get the conflict you want—e.g. the MC has to move in with her parents, or she's getting married, and her fiance's not acceptable, for some reason. Again, these are familiar situations, but the daemon twist could make it enterta ining. - Admin.
THE YAG TRAIL by Jeff Boman
"...so, I told her, I told her I'd be home late, see? Said not to wait up!"
Tom always yammered away, not saying much of nothing. Not that Yag hunting called for anything deep.
Tom was a long drink with a blue cap instead of an umbrella. He wore a gray sweatshirt because the nights were getting chilly. He had his shotgun polished and cleaned - this time. Didn't want it all gunked up and firing funny, like last week. That would've been messy. Glad he got a face full of smoke, not buckshot. That would have been a mess.
Me, I was all macho. I wore a white T over my black jeans. If it got cold, I'd just get cold. My gun was definitely clean.
We were just walking through the grass and trees at dusk, trying to flush some Yags out of hiding. This was our weekly bonding thing.
We heard russling in the bushes to our right. I just signalled Tom to zip it; he shut up right away.
It ran out. Pink skinned, short cut hair and a face full of more. It looked shocked to see us. It was carrying a tablet; it dropped it. I didn't hesitate. One blast to the gut, and it was down.
We dragged it back to our ship as a trophy. The dropped tablet said "Property of NYU." I didn't think much of it as I powered up for launch.COMMENTS
"Not that Yag hunting called for anything deep." —That got me wondering. Hunters don't generally capitalise the name of the species they are hunting, do they? Certainly not considering the lack of awe shown for the prey in that sentence. "Tom was a long drink with a blue cap instead of an umbrella." —Huh? What do you mean by this? "That would've been messy. Glad he got a face full of smoke, not buckshot. That would have been a mess." —Repetition. The opening feels like a self contained story. I probably wouldn't read on. No vote. WG
Bizarre yes, but not to my funny taste. Dialog good, but then the twist of NYU failed to make a lot of sense to me. Macho shotgun toters killing NYU folks doesn't grab my funny bone. And at the end, the "ship" reference confused me—it provoked far to o many questions for so early in the story. I'm a curious bird, I would flip to the end, but not likely read the whole tale as I find the POVC not likable. Sorry (BJ)
My second choice. Foolish aliens. They kidnapped an academic. And they think they know about research? Or are they just dilettante trophy hunters? Strange and fun AW
The opening felt confused, and left me with no conflict hook to make me read on. I liked the description of Tom as a long drink.—SA
Conflict, sorta. Laughs, no. This one was a little hard to follow and there were a few spelling errors. - LM
Reminds me a little of "To Serve Man." The humor doesn't appeal to me (I'd make a lousy hunter), and that's probably why I don't care much about the conflict. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
A bit of conflict, and some humour, but the writing could do with a good coat of paint. Try removing a few "just"s for a start, and vary the length and structure of sentences more. Practically the whole thing is all short little statements. - WJS
No Vote. I thought this piece was interesting enough, but I think it would make more sense with more words. I'm afraid I missed it. "Tom was a long drink with a blue cap instead of an umbrella." I'm afraid I missed the joke here, too. However, the whole t hing was so nonsensical that I would read on just to try to sort it all out. SWH
I had a puzzled reaction to this—alien hunters with human names and weapons hunting humans? Or humans hunting an alien with an NYU tablet (whatever that means). I read the opening again trying to figure things out but didn't get anywhere so I gave up. -dp
This is more of a complete flash fiction short. The point is already made, and there is no need to go on. There isn’t a real element of fun to the story, and it was kind of obvious, so there wasn’t much tension. Rating #7.-MM
Semblance of a story here, but not quite cutting it. Needs more development. It needs more zing for lack of a better word -GC
The title didn't feel strong to me. It wasn't one that really grabbed my attention. This also felt to me like a scene with beginning, middle and end again. It didn't really feel like a segment that would draw me in to read further. M ine—JB
I get a sense of the style and tone of the MC—not a particularly likeable sort, IMO—which confronts you with a huge challenge in an opening, I think. I rather like the short sentences; goes to MC's state of mind, IMO—but it will get tiresome after a while <g>. In general, I don't like to open with unattributed quotes—especially if it doesn't seem to further the story—IOW, I'd back the first line, and use the space to show the setting—and I'd probably move the visual description farther down—it's not as interesting as the characters' actions, IMO. I had no idea what you meant by "blue cap instead of an umbrella." I thought it odd the MC would start out with a desc ription of wardrobe—but the character was odd, so maybe it's a good cue. The "Property of NYU" bit does turn this into flash fiction instead of an opening—and it might work, if you can layer the action and setting to create more susp ense, foreboding, etc. Also—I'm not sure that anyone outside of the U.S. would get the NYU reference—so it's probably not the best parting shot.—Admin.
WILLY WATKINS by B.J. Galler
"Wild winds wailed and Willy Watkins...."
No, that's wrong, Tony thought. That kind of alliteration could never win the annual literary prize at Bergman State College. He'd have to try something else—something those stuffed shirts had never seen before.
A gust of wind howled. Then his roof creaked, and the entire house blackened. The emergency flashlight flashed a beam that gave just enough light for him to see an enormous spider scurry across the linoleum and dive under the st ove.
He gasped in surprise and windmilled backwards. Taking a moment to catch his breath, he crept to the nearest window, pulled the curtain back, and peeked into the street. Every house on the block had light, except his. ;The spruce in his yard cast a deep shadow over his porch.
Stumbling to the front door he saw nothing through the spyhole, but his heart pounded. "Jeez, Tony boy, relax!" he muttered. He opened the door.
"G'day!" chirruped a dark figure no taller than the first-graderliving down the street.
The figure lit a lamp and Tony backed through the open doorway. "Wha'...?".
On the porch stood a little man with a dashing black handle-bar mustache and a red bandanna tied across his forehead pirate style. "Sorry about that!" The man pointed to the roof where a small bubble sat perched like a jaunty be ret.
"Allow me to introduce myself," he said with a flourish. "Willy Watkins' my name, literature's my game. Ready?"COMMENTS
Nicely written and intriguing. I'm not too sure what the bubble on the roof was about though. Now I want to know what happens next. So keep writing... THIRD PLACE. WG
Mine (BJ)
This one is every writer's nightmare. One of our own characters walking up and introducing himself? Eeeek!!! I would definitely read farther. But everything would depend on what happened next. AW[
Not sure what to make of this one. I wasn't sure why Tony was so surprised that he gasped, and had difficulty imagining him 'windmilling' backwards because I didn't know whether he was in a chair or not. I'd read on a little to see what sort of story this is.—SA
Conflict, yes. Laughs, sorta. Would have liked a MUCH bigger reaction to the spider (go for the windmilling arms, the "yaaaaargh!" screaming, etc.) As it was, I think our little friend's appearance could be a humorous moment. & nbsp;This is yet another story that will work just fine without attempting to make it a humorous piece... - LM
I think I'd have preferred to see Willy come sailing through the picture window of the house, having been evicted with extreme prejudice from a passing Bergman State Bus. That may have elicited a chuckle. As is, the opening doesn't do much for me. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
The Rumplestiltskin of literature <g>. I wonder what he's going to demand in return. "flashlight flashed a beam that gave just enough light"—echoes on "flash" and "light" that might be better avoided. "He gasped in surprise and windmilled backw ards."—you don't need "in surprise" and I think "windmilled" is a little excessive. Perhaps something like "He gasped, and stumbled backwards". "Tony backed through the open doorway"—how could he do this? He just opened the door and so should be looking out from inside the house. Interesting though, and has promise. Second place. - WJS
FIRST. This was great! I loved it! Definitely want to read more! Where's more? The only suggestion I have is to eliminate some of the repeated words in "The emergency flashlight flashed a beam that gave just enough light for him." Too many "lights" and " flashes." Now, when will more be available? SWH
I had a major "Huh?" reaction to this but it's got the promise of something about to happen, and I can detect humor and conflict via a problem, so SECOND. -dp
This could be fun, or it could just be silly, depending on how it’s handled. Tension and ongoing interest are both present. Rating: #4-MM
3rd place, unique, funny, good as the other two top stories. Would like to see a stronger direction in this one, but interesting start. - GC
All the metaphor use in the third paragraph felt overused to me. If that was your intentions for the story, I don't think it worked. It felt like purple prose to me. I think that set the tone for me for this entire sequence. Saying Tony windmil led back, for instance, would have been more effective just saying, "he fell". Metaphors are like salt in food; too much and the flavor is lost. (Yes, I know I used a simile there.)-JB
Delightful ending sentence, IOW, good set up for the rest of the story—especially since Willy Watkins probably isn't an entirely nice fellow <eg>—and there will be a Price to Pay <g> and/or serious complications. Th e opening takes a bit of time to get up to speed, however—I am not a huge fan of floating quotes, unless they contain pertinent plot, setting, or character information. Your first sentence does none of this—IOW, I think it's an allite rative spacer—the alliteration make more sense when we know why it's there. (Yes, yes, you'll probably find lot of readers who adore mysterious opening quotes, but I'm not one of them <g>). A little disorient ed re MC's position—The "windmilling" would make more sense if Tony were pacing as he was thinking, IOW, I don't see him windmilling in a seated position <g>. A couple other questions that gave me pause (and pauses aren't good for th e momentum of an opening): "The figure lit a lamp." (a gas lantern? Where was it? Was he holding it?) And what the deal with the bubble on the roof? Is that his vehicle? Yes, I know you had only 250 words, but if you're going to bring up the bubble on the roof, it seems appropriate for the MC to react to it—or for there to be some more warning that the slight roof creaking in the beginning. (Actually, I thought the wind has caused the roof to creak, so this reference was lost to me on first reading). Also—not sure how the MC can see the bubble on the roof, now that he's already backed through the doorway into his house <g>. Nits aside—I thi nk this could be funny—but with some "sadder but wiser" learning for the MC, as well. - Admin.
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QUARTERLY TOTALS
35 Josh Langston 22 Sara Walker Howe 21 Derek Paterson 20 Wayne Sowry 20 BJ Galler 17 Bill Allan 14 Jon Woolf 9 Martin McArthur 8 Lisa Mantchev 7 Nance Hecht 5 Jeff Boman 5 Anne L Warner 2 Hanna W 3 Beth Shope (voted only) 3 Wendy Gasperazzo (voted only) 3 Sophia Ahmed (voted only) 3 GiediCabbit (voted only)Back to index Back to top
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2003 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
