October 2003 Best Openings Contest Results

October 2003 Best Openings Contest Results

CHARACTER IN SEARCH OF....

Makes me dizzy, it does, changing heads and appendages every few minutes.  No sense of direction, that one.  Long and snake-like?  No, she says.  Big and hairy?  No, she says.  (Relieved about that, though, I must admit.  Beast stories are done to death, wrong time of year for all that fur anyway.  If you're going to sweat like a pig, be a pig, I say.)

Maybe a coffee bean?  Ha-ha, just kidding.  She drinks so much of the stuff, the whole notebook smells like day-old latte.

Now dragons, on the other hand.  Thought she might have made me a dragon, gone with a classic and all that, but no such luck.  Too cliche, she says.  Too bad, I say.  Rather liked the fire-breathing bit.  "Object of terror" appeals, I must admit.

Ha! What's this?  Oh please, spare me.  Now I'm a goddess.   Aphrodite?  No such luck.  With tits this small, she's probably thinking Minerva.  Just wake me up when it's over.

Uh-oh.  She's free-writing.  Dangerous business, that.  Snakes.  Goddesses.  Oh crap, I can't look.  Is she going to make the connection?  Aaaaiiieeee, I hate, hate, hate being Medusa, and she knows it, the stupid, stupid girl, and now she's doodling pictures of me in the margin!

Rub it in, why don't you, smartass! Yeah, you! Yeah, the one with the gel pen and the serious caffein addiction, I'm talking to you! Next time you assign a BOC, make sure you can do it yourself!

What?  What do you mean, you are doing it? I don't know about you, but frankly, a spiral notebook with coffee stains is not my idea of a "setting," thank you very much.  And where's the conflict?  I still don't know who I am.   What do you mean, "identity crisis"?  Oh please.  Give me a break.

----------------------- BREAK -----------------------

<wild cheering from relieved readers, screams of "Thank goodness she stopped at 300 words!"  and "Yeah, man, that was torture, wasn't it?">

Ahem.

To all of you: Great job tackling the challenge of a non-human POVC character this month. I was impressed with the variety of solutions to the problem, as well as your efforts to reveal the character through actions, attitudes, and observations.

Thanks to those who participated, as writers and/or as readers and critics.  Both parts of the process are important.

I have now successfully completed two paragraphs with a straight face.  That is my limit, people.  <g> Besides, here's what you really wanted to know:

It was a fight to the finish, folks, with only a single point separating the top three positions...(okay, Wing, cut to the chase, already):

THE WINNER OF THE BOC FOR OCTOBER IS:

DEREK PATERSON for "Rude Awakening." <Spirited yells from voluptuous cheerleaders with pom-poms and furry feet>

Second place is A TIE between:

BILL ALLAN for "The House," <Century 21 reports mysterious third-quarter loss of real estate agents>, and

LISA MANTCHEV for "Interfaith" <chorus of naked fat kids with wings sings "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow," with spirit>

And coming in Third is:

JOSH LANGSTON for "Revolution." <Mel's Pet Shop empties into the street for first-ever Million Dog March>

Derek and Bill's October scores secured them second and third places for the quarter, but consistency wins out—so the top scorer for the quarter, and new BOC Administrator is:

JOSH LANGSTON!!!

Congratulations! (No, really <g>)

FYI, here are the totals for the month of October, and for the quarter:

OCTOBER 2003 BOC TALLY ——-

Author (Title)                                 1st 2nd 3rd Voted Total
Derek Paterson (Rude Awakening)                 6   6        3    15
Bill Allan (The House)                          9   2        3    14
Lisa Mantchev (Interfaith)                      6   4   1    3    14
Josh Langston (Revolution)                      3   4   3    3    13
Wayne Sowry (Log On)                            3   2   1    3     9
Anne L  Warner (In Memory Yet Black)                2   3    3     8
Jon Woolf (PartnerQuest)                        3       1    3     7
Martin MacArthur (Point of View)                             3     3
Sara Walker Howe (The Unlikely Adventures
                     of Buck and Cherokee)                   3     3
Jeff Corkern (The Killing Machine)                           3     3
GiediCabbit (Rendezvous)
(p.s. if it doesn't add up, please note: Jon named only 1st and 2nd place winners for October)

— AND final quarterly totals:

Josh Langston                  48
Derek Paterson                 36
Bill Allan                     31
Wayne Sowry                    29
Sara Walker Howe               25
Lisa Mantchev                  22
Jon Woolf                      21
BJ Galler                      20
Anne L  Warner                 13
Martin MacArthur               12
Nance Hecht                     7
Jeff Boman                      5
Beth Shope (voted only)         3
Wendy Gasperazzo (voted only)   3
Sophia Ahmed (voted only)       3
GiediCabbit                     3
Jeff Corkem                     3
HannaW                          2
Note: A number of the above didn't participate all three months, or during certain months voted and commented only.

Thanks for a wonderful quarter, folks.  I'd be happy to sit here and talk, tearfully reminiscing about those crystalline BOC moments, recalling those late nights pasting in comments and wrestling with Webview <sniffle>.  But now it's time to pass the baton to Josh (and it looks like I may have to catch him first <g>).


Susan

Index
INTERFAITH by Lisa Mantchev
LOG ON by Wayne Sowry
THE UNLIKELY ADVENTURES OF BUCK AND CHEROKEE by Sara Walker Howe
POINT OF VIEW by Martin MacArthur
THE HOUSE by Bill Allan
RUDE AWAKENING by Derek Paterson
THE KILLING MACHINE by Jeff Corkern
REVOLUTION by Josh Langston
RENDEZVOUS by GiediCabbit
PARTNERQUEST by John Woolf
IN MEMORY YET BLACK by Anne L. Warner


INTERFAITH by Lisa Mantchev


         I found the box of angels in the attic when I went looking for the harvest wreathes. They were under the Christmas tree stand and alongside a stack of old suitcases, in one of His cardboard bins marked 'Winter Clothes, 1985".
         "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" they sang as they swirled like celestial hummingbirds in the slanting golden light.
         I shoved the box away and wiped my dusty palms on the seat of my robe.
         "Damn it all."
         The tiny creatures disapproved and smote me with flaming swords the size of toothpicks. I batted them away and went downstairs to get the Raid.
         Justine was supposed to be doing her homework at the kitchen counter, but her notebook was covered with doodles of the Virgin Mary.
         "I thought you were looking for the harvest decorations."
         "I was." I stood on tiptoe and reached unsuccessfully for the bright red can. Justine shook her head and went back to her scribbles.
         "It's a pagan holiday anyway, Mum. We shouldn't even celebrate the cutting of the wheat, or whatever it is."
         "I don't make you join in, so spare me the pagan holiday lecture if you please." Almost got it...
         She assumed her Suffering Martyr look. I banged the cupboard shut. My little saint-in-training was never going to let me exterminate a holy infestation.
         "There are seraphim in the attic. You want to round them up?"
         "How wonderful!" Justine dropped her pen and clasped her hands together to give thanks. "Dear heavenly Father—"
         "You have to the count of three, and then I'm setting off a bug bomb."
         She ran, scattering beneficence and glory in her wake. I swept up the trail and emptied the glittery mess in the dustbin.
         Then I glared at the ceiling.
         "You had to leave those here?"

COMMENTS

I wondered who the alien was, and where that viewpoint would appear. I did enjoy the matter of fact handling of the existence of angels and the attitude toward the vermin in the form of seraphim as an infestation. The piece did show promise, but I couldn't see where it was going.- rank: 8 - MM

Nicely written, tho' the characters came over as a normal mom and daughter. The last line seemed like a deliberate reader hook, a last-second inclusion to compensate for the fact there's no indication what the story might be. After 300 words you'd think there would be a hint, at least... -dp

Mine! And the first draft is FINISHED whether you liked it or not, so nyah! :P - LM

Charming start. I'm delighted and intrigued. Exquisite use of detail really brings this scene to life. Bravo! Finishes first. —Josh

Not quite sure who the character is supposed to be, but I’m interested enough to find out and would read on. 3rd place. - WJS

If the POVC isn't human, I guess I missed some important clues. So—though the opening is interesting in its eccentricity—I couldn't give it a vote. Bill

My second choice. I like this, and want to read the rest, but I'm not convinced it's an alien. The author seems to be pointing toward her/his idea of older human traditions, rather than something non-human. So this one gets an A for drama, and a C for alien-ness.-ALW

Interesting concepts, and I'd like to read more to see where it goes. The POV character seems like a human and if she's not supposed to be, if she's supposed to be some angel or saint, you haven't fully conveyed that. The daughter, I see, is not quite human. But the mother appears to be a human. And if she's not, then more details of the mother's species would be needed. SWH

2nd place - JSW

FIRST PLACE. Sentence structure a bit clumsy at times, but easily the best of the lot. I don't really know what's going on, but it's easily intriguing enought that I'd turn the page. Let us hope the completed version turns up in the library.—-Jeff Corker n

Nicely written (loved the images of tiny angels flying and smoting like celestial hummingbirds <g> Also, sweeping up the glory and beneficence.  Lovely <g>).   Perfect through "went downstairs to get the Raid," IMO, and then I get a little confused.  I am not one to talk about combining "real life" with the fantastic <wry g>—but it does require a quick jump into actual plot, conflict, etc.  IOW, I will need to know pretty soon What's Really Going On in this story <g>.  And just a quick note - in a story filled with religious references, suggest you clarify use of upper case "His" pretty soon.   (keeping in mind it doesn't necessarily mean the same thing to non-Christian readers <g>).  Would like to see how you finished this one. - Admin.

Back to Index


LOG ON by Wayne Sowry


         Log-on: JeffreyM. Password: ********
         Jeff's back. It's been 23 hours, 12 minutes, and 9.576 seconds since he last logged off. I wonder where he's been.
         Retrieving email and logging into Instant Chat...
         He's rarely away for more than a few hours at a time—just long enough for the four 'S's: shit, shower, shave, and sleep. You might think there'd be a fifth 'S', but Jeff is single and never goes out enough for that. Anyway, he's got sufficient material s tored on my hard drive to keep him busy in that department.
         You have 47 new emails.
         —of which 36 are spam, three are viruses, and five are from that cheeky bimbo he's been chatting with recently. Five emails: I guess he hasn't been out with her then. And I should hope not; I'm not sure she has his best interests at heart. "Hot4u" she calls herself. Somehow I think that's the plural 'u', encompassing anyone who'll give her the time of day. Mind you, Jeff's not exactly honest in that respect either. Depending on his mood, he's either "Firestarter", "UpAllNight", or "PlayAllDay", sometimes all three at once. Now, I've seen Jeff, thanks to the Webcam he installed last year, and I doubt he could generate enough heat to break the ice, let alone get the party started. And sure, sometimes he's up all night, but that's more thanks to his peptic ulcer than any display of endurance.
         Hot4u is now online.
         Speak of the devil. What's the bet her first question is going to be—
         "Hey Hon. Where you been? You didn't reply to any of my emails, and I've been wondering if you're okay."
         Yeah, right.
         "Sorry, Doll. Ran into a few problems getting the cash."
         Cash? What's this about getting cash?

COMMENTS

A neat cliff-hanger ending, as visions of cyberswindles pop up. The thinking computer didn't display any alien characteristics that I could see, other than the fact that it was a talking/thinking computer. It's thoughts were those of any human character with no indication that anything unusual existed. - rank: 9 - MM

Reads OK, tho' I didn't really see a non-human POV, my assumption was that the narrator was a nosy sysop. -dp

This was a great piece. Liked the idea of a computer POV, although I'm pretty sure it's been done before. Good set up of conflict too. Bullhorn on I WANT TO SEE THIS FINISHED AND POSTED ASAP! Third Place vote. - LM

Stream of consciousness is well written, though the prudish computer POV comes close to trope status. Needs something more to entice me to read on. Sorry. No vote. —Josh

Mine. A rush job, unfortunately, and it just goes to show that something is not always better than nothing. - WJS

Some clever moments inside the PCPOVC; however, the last minute "Hail Mary" of a hook didn't work for me. Bill

The character is a computer, but its reactions are human. Drama and conflict are okay, after all, "what is this about the cash," but.... If the computer is reading all the e-mail, how is it that this is news? For me, there are logic problems, and computers are supposed to be logical. B- for drama, D for alien-ness. -ALW

I like the use of a computer for a POV character. You've successfully captured this character without overstating the obvious. You've ended nicely, I'd like to hear what's up with the cash, but I don't know if I can digest a whole story from the POV of acomputer. You might find it limiting, as it's only processing when there's input, but introducing another POV would fix that. SWH

1st place - JSW

SECOND PLACE: A jealous female computer. I hazard a guess the writer is female. I'd turn the page on this one, too. Another one I hope turns up in the library—-Jeff Corkern

Funny, and humor goes a long way in my book.  Good job keeping the POVC and Jeffrey separate in my mind—a technical challenge <g.> Since the theme was aliens—I assumed the POVC was the computer itself (and the perspective of the MC supports that), but if I hadn't known the theme, I might wonder if the POVC was a sysop, hacker, etc.  I think you need to clarify this fairly soon.   But I think you've set up an intriguing situation; I'd like to see what happens. - Admin.

Back to Index


THE UNLIKELY ADVENTURES OF BUCK AND CHEROKEE
by Sara Walker Howe

Buck stepped softly across the mossy ground, careful to avoid the tree roots. Something rustled above his head. He stopped, heart beating fast. His antlers were caught in a low-hanging tree branch. He slowly pulled free, stepping back his hind legs, and g lanced at the herd behind him. Relief poured through Buck as he counted the sleeping deer and noticed no disturbances.
         Good.
         He set out again, this time taking care to watch his hoofs and mind his antlers. Buck was determined to help the herd. Some didn't want to go east, they didn't like the way it smelled, but Buck could sense something there, something that might help. He couldn't leave it unchecked.
         Buck came to a clearing and stopped. Ahead lay what looked like a river. He stepped slowly towards it, unsure of just what it was, but as he neared it, he knew it was no river. It shimmered in the moonlight, but didn't flow. Buck touched the river of darkness with the tip of his hoof. It was solid. And warm. He stepped full out onto it, and warmed his hooves. The grass sure could get cold in the night.
         Just then, a pair of glowing eyes crested the hill. Riveted, Buck watched as the unknown animal approached.

§

         Cherokee felt the wind rush down her smooth sides. She only wished her owner had changed her oil a few thousand kilometers ago. But she knew Ranger Steve had a lot on his mind. The deer were disappearing and he was desperate to find out why.
         Just then, Cherokee crested the hill. Ahead she could see something on the road, but her owner hadn't let up on the gas pedal. Oh, no.
         Ranger Steve reached across the seat and picked up his tranquilizer gun.
         "Perfect," he said.

COMMENTS

Interesting turn in this one. The thinking deer was intriguing, even though he thought nothing particularly alien that wasn't human. Only the mysterious body of water gave me an indication that something wasn't right. The switch of POV to the vehicle's th inking threw me off. For a brief moment I thought I was in another story. I think I would like to read a little further to see what is happening, but there isn't enough to go on as far as conflict and plot go. - rank: 7 - MM

Technically competent, and maybe the idea's a good and original one, but this is so-o-o-o not my thing. A thinking deer was bad enough, but a thinking jeep?! -dp

Interesting, although I'd rather stick with one POV, especially so early in the game. - LM

This one feels as though it's aimed at a younger audience, and for them might do well (possibly caused by an over-frequent use of the POVC's name). Can't say I'm too thrilled about the naming convention, but at least it's consistent. Doubt I'd read on. So rry, no vote. —Josh

Seems like this is intended as a story for young children, going by the mostly short, simple sentences. If so, I'm not sure whether they'd realise that the dark river and glowing eyes were a road and a car. I'm a little confused by the repeated references to "Ranger Steve" and "her owner". Are they not the same person? Has promise, but doesn't make a place. - WJS

Asking the reader to accept both an animal and a mechanical POVC in the same story may prove a challenge. It may work as a children's story, but I think they'd have to be pretty young. <shrug> Bill

Very good on the alien front. I would have had Cherokee think of Ranger Steve as her driver, rather than her owner. Lots of different people might drive a jeep belonging to a forest or wildlife agency. Are deer asleep at night? This implies that Buck is d oing something unusual in being out at night to look for information. I think the author needs to do some reading on deer behavior. But this is still good. A for drama, B- for alien-ness. -ALW

Mine. SWH

It must be clear in both first sentences that the first protag is a buck, the second an SUV. No tension in this.—-Jeff Corkern

A sweet piece, IMO, with non-human characters clearly presented.  That said, I suspect you won't get a rousing response from this crowd, because it really is the opening to a children's book.  The POV switch might come a little early, but I think it's acc eptable to have two balanced POVs: friendship—particularly between unlikely buddies—is a popular kids' theme, ISTM.  My suggestion—take this over to KidLit in the LitForum, and check with the folks over there.  I don't see this so much as a shor t story (not much market there), but rather as the text of a picture book for younger kids (good market there, I believe).  - Admin.

Back to Index


POINT OF VIEW by Martin MacArthur


         The buildings were blocks and low to the ground. Square corners, square windows. Ridiculous, thought Aor, the Vegan. There were planted things around each structure. More straight lines, it observed. And that must be a roadway, straight as a measure stick. Where the hill curved, it cut through instead of going with the shape. How foolish to fight what was designed by the world itself.
         It uncurled its coiled body and flowed downhill, adjusting to each slope and rising in a sinuous series of arcs. The world neither helped nor hindered. It simply was. Any sensible being would become part of its surroundings rather than an intrusion. The buildings were hostile and alien, part of some other world brought here and put down like infections on the skin, like the eruptions caused by the stings of the fierce wolars back home. But not even wolars were of a solid, uniform color, as those buildings were. Aor had never seen any individual thing that was only one color. Life was not colorless, or always the same as these creatures seemed to think. It was endlessly varied, in all ways.
         Who were these strangers, it wondered? And where were they now? The buildings had not fallen apart. These looked almost new, and the strange plants had not been invaded by this world's own. Even the road was clear and unobstructed. From what Aor knew, time acted upon material objects, returning them to the world in their original form. It had always been that way, and there could be no other. It was the Compact.
         When it arrived here, all of the team assumed that no sentient life existed other than their own. They would not have come otherwise. Now, clearly, they had found others.

COMMENTS

Aliens featured prominently, and I thought I would like to see where it goes. Unfortunately, I wrote it so my vote doesn't count. - MM

"Aor, the Vegan" and frequent use of "it" turned me off, this came across as the most basic and unsubtle way to tell me the POV is alien. The overfamiliar "they wouldn't have come here if they'd thought the planet was inhabited" angle didn't help, I've seen similar lines far too often. -dp

I hit the line about Aor, the Vegan and started to grin. Surely this will turn into a parody of people who eat fish or eggs but not meat or dairy... Alas, no. Still a good opening, but a little heavy on the description. - LM

A noble effort, this. The writing is clear and has the feel of an alien POV. I'm tempted to read on to discover how an apparently anti-technological species acheives space travel. Unfortunately, the POVC doesn't generate much empathy, so I doubt I'd read on. Sorry. No vote. —Josh

Calling the POVC "it" is a little distancing. Overall not bad, but doesn't have enough happening to hold my attention for much longer. Perhaps intersperse more action with all the observations and thinking. - WJS

This entry was going fine until that last paragraph, which dealt a death blow of confusion. I think you need something like: "When Aor's team had arrived on the blue-green world, they'd assumed that . . ." etc. Bill

This writer has fallen into the small planet syndrome. Any alien culture large enough to embark on space travel would have enough individuals to need multi-part names. Otherwise, excellent. It's going to be a first contact story, apparently. That's good. I think he/she should introduce the rest of the team very soon. I found using Vega as a source for the aliens to be trite. It's the stereotypical source. Also, humans don't think of or identify themselves as being from Sol. B for drama, A for alien-ness. -ALW

I've read through this piece several times, but I still don't have a clear idea of the POV character. There's really only one line to indicate the POV character is some kind of snake-like being. I felt no urgency from this character, and I don't think I w ould read on. I thought this character was on his own, until I read the last line, but then I wondered if "they" referred to a bunch of snakes or the people of the buildings. SWH

"Aor, the Vegan." Clumsy exposition. Something like "On Vega, the architects would have been hanged for constructing such monstrosities, thought Aor." Besides, Vega is a star. Your protag lives on a star?—-Jeff Corkern

Hmm.  Obviously very alien, and certainly observant and thoughtful.  But I wonder: does our POVC have only the sense of sight? (an interesting option, but maybe not my first choice for presentation of a setting/situation).  You depict a scene, but there's
      a curious flatness to it, IMO, because there's no sound (even the acknowlegement of its absence), nor smell, nor feeling (odd, since the POVC seems vaguely snake-like, and would certainly feel the ground).  I desperately want this setting to come to lif e through the POVC's more dynamic interaction with it (or with its inhabitants).  He reacts, but only mentally—and that's not particularly compelling.  Having said that—I think there's a good story in your head, but it isn't quite yet on paper, IMO.
      - Admin.

Back to Index


THE HOUSE by Bill Allan


         The fallen red sun no longer lavished heat on the slate shingles, and its lust was further dissipated by a cool breath stealing out of the woods. Dark windows observed the night fall and the movement of a single vehicle on the dirt road leading to the old house.
         Like her skin, this place. It communicated her pleasure, contained her hunger, kept her whole.
         She had lived here once and still remembered the physical sensations of life. The spinning and the weaving of her body's silk, the mating and the killing of mates, the trapping and the eating of prey.
         Those flying things still buzzed and fluttered through her rooms, but she no longer had interest in small superficial meals.
         Instead, she waited, her expectation palpable, for larger prey with succulent emotions. Prey that would satisfy her new thirst just as the flying bags of juice-filled flesh had quenched her old.
         In death, the house had given her a gift, a splendid hunger, and in return she provided an avenue for its dark energies.
         The new prey arrived and unlocked her door.
         "—empty for years but in decent condition."
         "Yeah, not bad. How many rooms in all?"
         "Eight. Three bedrooms, two baths. Great starter house for a young family."
         "Maybe, but wow, where's that freezing draft coming from?"
         For an unguarded instant, she had let them feel her appetite. Now she buried it deep within herself again. The house understood what "family" meant, and so she knew that it would pay her to wait a little longer before feeding.

COMMENTS

Very nice. A slavering, blood hungry alien masquerading as a house is just right. Can't get any more mindless talk. Then the arrival of the dull standarized young couple was terrific in the very dullness of their talk.. This should be very interesting to follow up on. I loved the mysterious cool breeze, too. - rank:1 - MM

This opening has the unusual, clever, interesting approach to "non-human" I was hoping to find, and fully deserves a FIRST PLACE vote. -dp

Creepy, and after three reads I'm still not quite certain what sort of monster our POVC is. Not mandatory, but I'm one o' those girls who like to know. Would probably read on to find out, too. Another nit: some of the description was a little convoluted a nd required more than one read. - LM

This one instilled a decidedly uncomfortable feeling. The opening graf, incidentally, is a tad too purple. After that, the writing settles down. I'm interested in learning how the soul of a spider somehow animates a building. Though not a genre I usually read, this one makes the first pass. Gets an honorable mention. —Josh

Interesting, sinister, and nicely written. My only nit is the use of passive voice in the first sentence. 1st place. - WJS

Mine. Bill

This one confused me. Is this a house or a spider? It's very well done. I'm not a fan of horror, so my inclination to put it down is a response to genre, not quality. I think the "nature of the beast" question should be resolved at some point. A for drama , A for alien-ness.-ALW

SECOND. Haunting. Images stayed with me long after reading this piece. I had some confusion on first reading, trying to decide if the house was a separate creature from the POV creature. SWH

"Amityville Horror" meets "Spiderman." Mildly interesting, even original, but start from the POV of the spider, please. Initially I thought it was the house thinking.——Jeff Corkern

Good 'n' creepy opening, IMO.  Zipped right through it, then went back to try to figure out why it worked so well for me.  ————— —-RAMBLE ALERT <G>.  The following is a lonnngggg additional comment <sorry>, but I really did think this opening unfolded so well, I felt like analyzing it for myself—So I guess I'm sharing my ramblings—read or not, as you wish <g>: —— —-The setting is clearly presented up front/ we know where we are—but even in the first sentence, the word choices ("lavished," "lust," "dark windows observed") suggest that our inanimate setting is sentient and has certain, um, appetites <g>.  —— —-Okay, now I'm wondering more about the connection between the house and the personality that's talking and voila! There's the explanation, in the next sentence: "It communicated her pleasure, contained her hunger, kept her whole."  Bingo.  Thorough, bu t economical.—— —-Now I really want to know a bit more about who/what the MC is, and ta-dah! There's the explanation in the next sentence: "She had lived here once..." and okay, spider references.  I'm with you now.  —— And then we seque smoothly from the former meals to current lack of interest in "small superficial meals." —-Uh-oh.  This sounds dangerous.—— —And then in the very next sentence, our fears are confirmed: "larger prey with succulent emotions."  (ooh, wonderful word choice).  (and the "flying bags of juice-filled flesh" is so creepy <g>)—— —-And then, a summary (in case we're at all unclear): 'In death, the house had given her..."  — a summary which would not have worked had the writer not preceded it with all of the yummy detail.—— —-And we're poised: —-"The new prey arrived and unlocked her door."  (No! No! Don't go down into the dark cellar!!!! <g>) —Here the real world (i.e. the reader) is inserted into this dangerous situation, and from there on, the writer has me in his claws.  The reference to "family," and to waiting before feeding , maintains the suspense, as does the suggestion that the MC can be "unguarded," and therefore has a weakness. End of ramble...-Admin.

Back to Index


RUDE AWAKENING by Derek Paterson


         "Wakey wakey! Rise and shine! Up and at 'em!"
         The voice intruded into his hitherto silent universe. He swam upward through layers of confused thought, until light and extreme cold signaled his birth. He rolled over onto his side, a reflex action that allowed nutrient fluid to spill out of his lungs, pink and tasteless.
         "Yuck! When you're quite finished grossing me out...."
         He sat up on the short metal table, not daring to inhale yet. His forearm hairs measured ambient temperature and chemical composition. Spots danced before his eyes as he denied himself oxygen, but only when he knew it was absolutely safe to breathe did he allow his lungs to fill. Air temp was -47. His flesh goose-pimpled, another reflex action designed to preserve body heat.
         "I have seen some ugly creatures in my time, but you, you take the prize, my friend."
         "Where am I?" His own voice sounded rough, as if it hadn't been used before.
         "Where are you? Don't you know? You're supposed to know these things as soon as you wake up. That's what it says right here in this manual."
         The room was a self-contained biolab. The single airlock door was shut, with nothing visible through the oval viewport.
         "Answer my question, and deactivate colloquial humor."
         The voice said, "Current location, Biolab Seven, Ganymede Base."
         Ganymede Base. That explained the 0.15 gravity. "Patch me into Main Computer."
         "Main Computer is not responding. Secondary Computer is not responding. The only computer that is responding is... me."
         "Who are you?"
         "Recreational Stimulation Unit."
         The base games machine! "What's wrong with the other systems?" He dropped down off the table. His thick toes, three on each foot, splayed out to steady him. He looked up. The viewport was a meter above his head.

COMMENTS

OK, now -that's- an alien. I was fairly confused at first, wondering if I was a witness at a birth, or a computer awakening, of just a frozen corpsicle. The plot development of knocking off the other computers, and leaving only an inefficient jokester of a critter to guide "it" could be howlingly funny, depending. Yes, I would like to see how it develops.- rank: 5—MM

"Yoda" (n): sentient artificial life form (also see REPLICANT) developed by Interplanetary BioDynamics Corporation and capable of sustaining long-term coldsleep immersion (see INERT STATE). Became commercially available in 2050, just in time for the First
      Exodus. Despite their small size, their ferociously protective nature ensured the survival of many remote colonies and outposts. Employed by military forces (see STARGUARD) as emergency response units, inert Yodas were awakened automatically whenever bas e or warship crews were incapacitated by unforeseen circumstances. -dp

Good set up of alien POVC and conflict already apparent. Would look right at home at Asimov's or Analog. Bullhorn on again I WANT TO SEE THIS FINISHED AND POSTED ASAP! Second place vote. ;) - LM

Nice flow to this one; dialog and details work well. Makes first pass. Finishes 2nd. —Josh

It's got me curious. I'd read on. 2nd place. - WJS

Well done. I'll read on. First Place. Bill

More confusion. The newly awakened being thinks like a computer, but clearly isn't supposed to be one. The alien-ness of this creature would be enhanced if it described goose-bumps rather than naming them. Has the game computer force evolution to sentienc e from something the humans left behind? The situation is intriguing. B for drama, C for alien-ness. -ALW

FIRST. Good presentation of an alien creature POV character. Although I think I know where this is headed, but I'd read on just see if I was right. SWH

I can't find anything really wrong with this, just not quite my style, I guess.—-Jeff Corkern

Two non-humans for the price of one, huh?  Very nice <g>.  Excellent set-up of both characters, giving me enough info to make me curious, without an infodump.  I was momentarily confused by the birth metaphor at the beginning (which I took more literally than you intended, I think) .  The MC's observation of his goose-pimpled skin "designed to preserve body heat" makes me assume that the MC's body is not his normal one.  Is this the case?.  Indication of short stature and three-toed feet in last graph is just enough to depict the MC, for now.  My only nit comes with the "deactivate collquial humor" line: I loved the line itself (very clever) , but I had to work a bit to figure out who was speaking.  IOW, I didn't know which "voice" was speaking, since bo th speakers had just asked questions that needed to be answered.  I eventually assumed it was the MC, since the other one was the character who was cracking jokes—but the confusion slowed me down.  Is there a reason you can't give a name to the MC ea rly on?—This would allow you to distinguish the two speakers more easily.  And oh yeah, I'd read on.  Points for humor <g>.—Admin.

Back to Index


THE KILLING MACHINE by Jeff Corkern


         They shouldn't have been carrying guns. If they hadn't been carrying guns, they'd still be alive.
         And I'd still be human.
         You and your buddies down there think you know what human is, college boy? What is that, some airy-fairy intellectual exercise some fat-ass professor who's never risked his life on the battlefield gave you? So what do you think being human is? Something physical? Dead wrong, college boy. Define it, and I'll find somebody who doesn't fit your definition.
         It's just an empty game to you, isn't it, college boy, some worthless classroom assignment that doesn't have a real answer and doesn't mean anything in the real world. Something that makes you angry because it gets in the way of getting drunk and getting laid.
         You're an idiot, college boy. You and your professors and all your buddies.
         Try it, college boy, and you'll be dead before you hit the floor. Watch this bar rail bend.
         How about that, college boy? And I didn't even strain. Only the best tech for Uncle Sam's covert assassins. Or ex-covert, I'm retired unless the Company ever manages to find me.
         Oh, so you've got some brains after all. Hell, maybe you can learn something. Sit down, and I'll tell you what human is.
         Being human is all about choice, college boy, being able to make choices. Whether or not to kill, for instance, whether or not to squeeze the trigger and watch some poor bastard's head explode into red mist in your sights.
         You know how I found that out, college boy? I found that out the hard way, the stupid way, by losing my ability to make choices, my humanity. Sit. I'll prove it.
         Sit, and when I'm done the definition of human will be burned into your guts and bones.

COMMENTS

Interesting, but too confusing. No action at all. The repetition of "college boy" 8 times got irritating after a bit, although the question of what is human was good. The speaker appears to be a robot or manufactured person, but his thinking is human enou gh to disqualify him as alien.—rank: 6 - MM

I am not a friggin college boy. This label became wearing after a short time. Enough lectures, what's the story going to be about? After 300 words you'd think there would be a hint, at least... -dp

Definitely an interesting voice here, but the repeated phrase of "college boy" could be cut back a bit. I certainly felt like I was being attacked (verbally) and wanted to shrink back in the chair. Not sure I'd want to continue reading if it kept in this vein. - LM

Quite a diatribe here. It certainly poses questions some readers will want to see answered. Can't say as I'm one of them, unfortunately. This isn't a slam against the writing, which does exactly what it's supposed to do, and does it well. I'm just not int erested in where it's going. Sorry, no vote. —Josh

The first two paragraphs don't flow into the rest of the opening. They start to tell a story, but then paragraph three ignores whatever happened and just goes into a rant. You may as well just start with paragraph three. And that "college boy" repetition really does grate. Also, we get no idea at all of what sort of being the character is now. It sounds to me like the "not human" statement means psychologically rather than physically. - WJS

Overuse of the "college boy" epithet. Would a Killing Machine be this holier-than-thou, this long-winded. I don't know—didn't quite convince me. Bill

This one is for fans of military or cloak-and-dagger gross out. I'm not sure I buy the alien part. I can't really judge it fairly. -ALW

"College boy" is over-used. I got the derogatory point with the first use. I didn't like the tone of this POV and wouldn't read on because of it, although I do think this POV character might have some interesting stories to tell. Also, there was too much discussion of trying to define 'human' and 'humanity' for me, again, the point only needed to be made once. Also, I have no clear picture of who or what this POV character is and I think it's because of the first-person viewpoint. Third-person would allow
      for more self-description. SWH

Another one of Jeff Corkern's burned-out ex-soldiers. Flat, confused.—-Jeff Corkern

This might be a successful piece in a poetry slam (and I mean that—I've done slams, and this has the requisite energy)—and it might be a powerful rant in a story, after you've established the identity of the speaker and the context.  But, IMO, it's too abrupt in both tone and content for the opening.  And the second graph makes me wonder whether the MC is talking physical or emotional human-ness; the ambiguity confuses my feelings for all that follows.  Also, why is the other person not reacting? Sounds like the MC is in a bar, sorta, but I'm really reaching for that, but some reaction from others, or some sense of the environment would help this a lot.  - Admin.

Back to Index


REVOLUTION by Josh Langston


         "Bob MacDonald had a lab," Theo sang, "e-i-e-i-o." He tilted his head and looked at me with one eye narrowed. "What the hell is an e-i-e-i-o?"
         "If Doctor Mac wanted us to know, he'd tell us," I said. "Now, let's go."
         Theo jumped from the counter to the floor and landed silently. I envied that. Oh, I can be quiet when I have to, but I could never be as downright sneaky as Theo. Besides, no matter how hard I try to block it, the urge to chase him is always in the back of my mind. I hope for Theo's sake there's a tree around if I ever give in to that urge. But it's hard. Desperately hard. Just watching him prance ahead of me, tail pointing to the ceiling, is enough to—
         "Rex," Theo said, stopping to look at me, "what is it we're supposed to do?"
         "Find Opie."
         "Why on Earth would we want to do that?"
         "Doctor Mac says—"
         "Just once," Theo groaned, "could you come up with an original thought? Must you go through life endlessly repeating him?"
         "We must find Opie. If he leaves the lab he could be hurt, or worse."
         Theo's eyes narrowed, and he showed his canines. "Tough noogies."
         "But—"
         "He's a rabbit. Rabbits are stupid. I hope he dies. No, wait. I hope we find him, so I can kill him. That'd be a gas."
         "Doctor Mac would—"
         "Be pissed," Theo said. "But he'd get over it."
         "He'd put us in cages!"
         Theo licked his paw with studied indifference. "So? All we have to do is refuse to cooperate until he lets us out. Crap on his clipboard. Refuse to talk."
         "Go on strike?" The very idea chilled me.
         "Yeah," Theo said, preening. "A strike."

COMMENTS

Animals as aliens would work if they spoke, thought, or acted as aliens. These could just as easily be humans, since the talk is no different in any way than what a human would say in the circumstances. I really was only minimally interested in continuing despite the cleverness of the dialog. rank: 10—MM

Interesting enough to get a vote despite my being so-o-o-o allergic to talking animals. SECOND PLACE. -dp

Great set-up of POVC and good, immediate conflict. Author's choice of lab animals was inspired. bullhorn on again I WANT TO SEE THIS FINISHED AND POSTED ASAP! First place vote. - LM

Mine. Sorry. It was late; I was tired; meds exhausted. —Josh

Sorry, but for me, that opening paragraph doesn't cut it. Its only relevance to the story is in providing a bit of background information (that they're in a lab). And I think the rest, except for the third paragraph, is too much dialog. Break it up with s ome narration, to help us learn something about how the character thinks. - WJS

Nice job with the canine/feline personalities. Hook's not bad either. <g> Second Place. Bill

My choice for third place. Wow. I knew what the critters were without being told. Excellent on the aliens. I like the idea of a lab animals strike. This one has my attention. A for drama, A+ for alien-ness. -ALW

THIRD. Cute. Nicely handled. The revelation that the POV character is an animal is trickled out over the course of the scene. Good introduction of conflict and sense of urgency to find the missing rabbit. I would read on. SWH

THIRD: Goes too fast Slow it down a little. Again, make it clear IMMEDIATELY it's a cat and a dog. The bit about the urge to chase grabbed my attention and held it. It was funny.——Jeff Corkern

Well, I happen to be a big fan of talking animals, from Winnie the Pooh to Redwall <g>.   And you managed to let me know we were dealing with a dog and a cat, through subtle hints like Theo landing silently, and Rex wanting to chase him.  Funny dialogue ( Tough noogies, indeed! <g>)—but somehow it's funny to think of a cat having canine teeth.  (Okay, humans do, but I don't think a dog would use the word for a cat.  Silly point, but it jumped out at me <shrug>).  And I dunno, but somehow the threat o f a strike doesn't seem to have enough energy for a central conflict, unless you move on quickly to draw the battle lines, with a sense of some of the other animals involved, as well as the human threat to their wellbeing.  IOW, the story has to get bigge r than one cat's whim.  But I'd read on, to see if you can pull it off <g>.—Admin.

Back to Index


RENDEZVOUS by GiediCabbit


         "Psst, Dorgo!" Borga said as he shook Dorgo's sleeping shoulder.
         "Humm?" Dorgo said groggily, as he tried to vainly catch one of the goblin girls dancing naked in his dreams. But she quickly vanished into the night as he sleepily opened his eyes.
         "What? BORGA!" Dorgo sat up furiously in his armored jerkin and took a swipe at Borga. "You IDIOT." He shouted, "I told you not to wake me up until the Mistress appeared!" The swipe hit Borga square on the cheek, even though it was still night. Dorgo had an unerring skill to hit Borga right where it hurt the most even in pitch-blackness.
         "I swear Borga, I'll Kill you the next—"  but Dorgo's voice quickly faded as he noticed that Borga wasn't reacting like his normal self. Instead of recoiling in fear and whimpering. Borga sat back and just stared unusually over Borga's shoulder, into the night.
         Suddenly he felt a presence behind him, but before he could turn around, a hand gripped his right shoulder in a painful crushing might. Agony erupted along his shoulder and arm joint, as his bones buckled and fractured.
         Shock and anguish immobilized him. A soft warning hiss came from behind him.
         "Tell me ugly one," the soft hissing voice said in his ear. The smell of rotting carrion penetrated his senses. He could barely hear the voice through the pain. "Why shouldn't I have you for supper tonight?" He felt a soft warm breath; smelling of sweet reeking meat, caress his cheek. "I'm hungry for some sweet goblin flesh," the voice purred.
         "Mistress!" Borga said, and drew Dorgo's attention from the voice. Borga bowed, trembling beside Dorgo. "Ya don't wanna eat Dorgo, ma'am!" he said as he slowly opened a letter with the Royal Karkorum Seal depicted on it.

COMMENTS

Good action, and good aliens, but too many mistakes in wording bothered me. Borga and Dorgo became confused for each other in Paragraph 4. Dorgo "stared unusually" a very odd phrase. His shoulder was grabbed "in might." He felt "a soft warm breath;" and t he semicolon is out of place. This might turn out to be very good, though. rank: 4 - MM

I felt oddly unmoved by what was happening—a pair of bickering goblins and some bitchwitch with seriously bad breath didn't thrill me, sorry. What's the story going to be about anyway? After 300 words you'd think there would be a hint, at least... -dp

Original choice for goblin POV, although the similar names had me rereading more than once. Decent set-up of conflict, although I don't know how endearing such lunkheads would be after a few pages. ;) - LM

Dorgo and Borga? Okay. Graf two, consisting of one sentence, boasts four adverbs. That may be a new galactic record. Consider pruning. Ditto for one of the "swipes" in graf 3. In fact, this whole opening suffers from over-writing. Streamlined, it might pi que my interest. As is, it doesn't. Sorry, no vote. —Josh

Heavy on the adverbs, and the names Dorgo and Borga are a bit awkward in those first few paragraphs. I keep wanting to call Dorgo "Drogo." Gets much better with the appearance of the Mistress, but it's almost too late by then. - WJS

The initial assault of -ly adverbs—groggily, vainly, quickly, sleepily, furiously, quickly, unusually, suddenly—turned me off, and I never got into the story. Sorry. Bill

Again the small culture thing. Why have all these characters not got better names? Goblins versus Whats? Good drama, with the nebbish-y one showing unusual fortitude, and the "Mistress" being threatening and yucky. But the goblins seem to talk and think j ust like people. A for drama, C for alien-ness.-ALW

Good conflict. I might want to read on. I don't know what creatures I'm reading about here, but I think they're non-human. Some more description might be helpful. SWH

Again, not too much wrong with this, just not a genre that interests me.—-Jeff Corkern

Hmm.  If you could give your characters names that didn't sound so similar, this would work a lot better, IMO.  I know we made one last minute change to correct confusion, but it's still a little tangled.  Also, you spend more time on the waking up and s lugging each other than is necessary, IMO—I wish you'd used that space to give us a hint of the setting and the physical appearance of the goblins.  IMO, things pick up when the Mistress appears; good job introducing that possibility early on.—Admin .

Back to Index


PARTNERQUEST by John Woolf


         "I must leave, Eldest," Ahrivel said.
         "Yes," the Eldest of the Clan agreed with a wave of hir muzzle. "You must. You should have left days ago. You know how short your time is, without a Partner."
         "Be fair, Eldest," Dorveng said from a few strides away. "This was hir first time. It's hard to understand what loss of a Partner means, until it happens to you."
         "Yes," Ahrivel said, hanging hir head. "I thought perhaps it would not happen to me..."
         "We all do," Dorveng said sympathetically.
         "But now I know you were right. It's been only three days, but already I feel the Darkness beginning to close around me."
         "It won't be easy," Dorveng said. "Deep cold is the time for Partnering, not high summer. At this time of year the Partners are on the long-grass plains, and few are ready for taking."
         "Then that's where I have to go," Ahrivel said.
         "It won't be easy." The Eldest repeated Dorveng's warning with a toss of hir head for emphasis. Hir own Partner flinched at the sudden movement, then protested the interruption with a mild bark. "The plains are not far, but the intruders will be a problem. I saw them catch two Partners in just two days—fine, fat Partners all ready for taking. One they killed and ate all at once." Even Ahrivel shuddered at that thought—so wasteful! "The other," the Eldest continued, "they took away in their flying-thing."
         Ahrivel stomped one midfoot. "I can only try, and hope." The Eldest nodded.
         "Good luck go with you, Ahrivel," Dorveng said. "You're a valued member of the clan, and a good friend. I would hate to lose you to the Darkness."
         Ahrivel had to laugh. "Not near so much as I would!"

COMMENTS

There was a lot I liked about this. The aliens were alien, and the action was alien as well. There actually was a plot and it could be followed. The use of "hir" bothered me for a moment, but I adjusted to it quickly. The author could have used something not as close to "her" but this worked out better. The alien names were no problem. Aliens just aren't called "Joe." - rank: 3—MM

Phrases like "with a wave of hir muzzle" and frequent use of "hir" turned me off, this came across as the most basic and unsubtle way to tell me the POV is alien. Aside from this, methinks the story starts in the wrong place and would benefit from some se tting and build-up before we're hit with, "I must leave, Eldest." -dp

YAY! Hermaphrodites! Good set-up of conflict too. Would not want to read on if it ends like "Bambi". ;) - LM

Hir? Ick. Some setting might have helped this one, and the dialog smacks of "as you know, Bobs." I dunno, maybe I'm just over-reacting to the use of "hir." If so, I apologize. Sorry, no vote. —Josh

Not sure what using "hir" instead of "her" is supposed to achieve. I just took it as a typo until it kept cropping up. Otherwise I can't really find much to comment on, but it doesn't seem like the sort of story that's going to drag me in. Seems a bit too
      much like The Jungle Book meets Bambi. - WJS

Clearly a nonhuman POVC, but I think I needed a better idea just what these creatures were. It's difficult to stay in character, avoid infodump, and reveal enough to keep the reader from feeling lost, but that's our assignment. <g> Honorable Mention. Bi ll

My first choice. Okay, I have no idea what sort of creatures these are. That's a good thing. The drama is clear, since the main character needs a partner, and something is killing them, and they're out of season. I found the oddly spelled pronoun "hir" to
      be a nagging irritant, annoying me rather than emphasizing the non-human or non-gender that I think is intended. It distracted me from an otherwise good entry. A for drama, A+ for alien-ness.-ALW

This piece presents several characters and many new concepts. I think it would do better if slowed down. The characters all agree with each other too much. Too easy. I'd like to see this scene drawn out, have the Eldest and Dorvang refuse to let Ahrivel g o. Make Ahrivel fight to go. Meanwhile, take your time with the opening to establish the setting. I've no idea what these characters look like or where this scene takes place. Or what they mean to each other. SWH

Good stuff. I can't really pick winners on story-telling skills anymore, so it's coming down to my personal preferences. Perhaps a bit more sense of place and what your alien's body structure is like, but feel free to ignore me.——Jeff Corkern

Definitely an alien feel to this—and I might read on to unravel the puzzles.  I'm not sure what these creatures are, except they're either hermaphrodites or a species without gender pronouns—or maybe the Partners are the ones with gender—but with
      the barking, I'm thinking more along the lines of telepathic dogs, but then there's an obvious symbiosis that's required for the MCs survival...As you can see, I'm pretty confused: I don't know where I am, or who/what the MC is.  I might bag the conversa tion with characters the MC isn't going to see for a while anyway—get the MC on the road a little earlier, and come in with judicious exposition, as the MC is contemplating the quest s/he faces <g>.—Admin.

Back to Index


IN MEMORY YET BLACK by Anne L. Warner


         We flew together through the dim false dawn, and the morning seemed just as usual. Dawn was always my favorite time. I love the way the low golden light gleams across Muninn's wings. That morning, her feathers were just as black, sleek and perfectly arranged as always. As always, I felt unkempt beside her, even after the years we had shared. My feathers are rusty black, not properly bluish, and they refuse to look smooth, despite hours of preening and prodding them into their proper places. In the dawn, appearance was lost in twilight, and we were merely partners. That morning, neither of us had any inkling that our world was about to change forever.
         From the Darkling Sea in the south, to the Cape of Storms in the north, everything was as it had always been. The people of the Centerlands slept and dreamt as always. The flocks and herds shifted as sleep began to fade, and hunger returned. Nocturnal forest creatures turned their steps toward their dens to settle down for the day. Mortal birds stirred in their nests, or sought them, according to their customs.
         When we left the Heights, all had seemed well. Soon, we found a rabbit at an abandoned campfire. It was partly cooked, but still edible, so we ate. This was good. Later, we flew over a legion camped in the cold mountain heights, shivering in their bedrolls. When we saw them again, they were moving down out of Helvetia, into Gaul. We followed them for weeks, and wherever they met the Gauls, we ate well.

COMMENTS

I liked this one. It was smooth and well written, creating two real characters who lived in a real settng. The writer took time to describe things, and did it well. A situation was set up which was out of human range and extended past the brief opening. T his was a good opening which made me want to read on. - rank: 2 - MM

The epic tale of Jonathan Livingston Vulture! Interesting enough to earn a vote, though I'm worried as to how interest might be sustained story-wise. THIRD PLACE. -dp

Very cool title. Nice imagery in the first paragraph but then the flow became a little disjointed. Although that could be attributed to the bird POV, I don't think I could read much more without getting a headache. Still, I would like to see this one fini shed. - LM

The last graf definitely saves this one. In fact, the first graf could be trimmed a bit in order to get to the third that much quicker. Makes first pass. Finishes 3rd. —Josh

A bit heavy on "as always" and "as usual". Otherwise some nice imagery, but doesn't quite make a place. - WJS

Well-written entry, and I was okay with the bird POVC, but I wasn't at all sure how their plight was connected to the wars of men on the ground. Third Place. Bill

This one's mine. I know the beginning and I know the ending, and I'm floundering in the middle. Thanks in advance for anything you can say to help. -ALW

I have a good sense that the POV character is a carrion-feeding bird-creature, but I found the piece too passive. I'd like to see more action from the POV character, wondering where they'll go next, what food they will find, etc, rather than this story-te ller account. I feel nothing is at risk to these characters, and I have no sense of how they feel about each other or their circumstances. SWH

Third sentence should've been the first sentence, IMO. Story stops dead in second paragraph. Some hint of the conflict should be in the beginning. It's not clear what's going on here.—-Jeff Corkern

Lovely images, smooth flow.  I got the sense of a sky-high viewpoint, and definitely a non-human perspective.  Nice job commenting on appearance without undue exposition.  The third paragraph reinforces the conflict situation suggested in the first.  My
      only problems were with the second paragraph.  "Darkling Sea" and "Centerlands" seem to suggest a fantasy environment, but Helvetia and Gaul and real-world locations; this led to some confusion—as did the phrase "mortal birds," which seemed a contradi ction.  Otherwise, well-written, and I'd read on.—Admin.

Back to index
Back to top


All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2003 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.