August 2003 Best Openings Contest Results

August 2003 Best Openings Contest Results

First Place for the August BOC goes to Bill Allan for "Born to Be Blue"!

(Hot riff from the tenor sax.  Tears of joy from groupie in front row.  Murmurs of "All right! Way to go, man.")

And in Second Place, we have Langston, Josh —for "Tomorrow, Cadiz"!

(Five thousand dancing girls surround Josh and shower him with Krispy Kreme donuts)

And swimming into Third Place, a mere one point behind Josh, is Jon Woolf ("Rescue Mission") !

(Residents of Sergio's Aquarium SuperStore declare a national day of celebration)

Quarterly tally, after one month:

TOTAL 1st 2nd 3rd VOT Author
 17    9   2    3  3  Bill Allan (Born to be Blue)
 15    6   4    2  3  Josh Langston (Tomorrow, Cadiz)
 14    3   8    x  3  Jon Woolf (Rescue Mission)
 12    6   x    3  3  Wayne Sowry (Abducted)
  8    3   2    x  3  BJ Galler (New Beginning)
  7    3   x    1  3  Nance Hecht (The Change)
  7    x   4    x  3  Derek Paterson (Last Shuttle from Colony 19)
  4    x   x    1  3  Martin McArthur (Touch of Life)
  3    x   x    x  3  Sara Walker Howe (voted only)
  3    x   x    x  3  Beth Shope (voted only)
(Note: When I administer this thing, I comment on all the entries, but don't vote, unless I need to break a tie at the end of the quarter <g>).

Congratulations to everyone who entered.  I, for one, had a lot of fun reading this month's entries.  And many thanks to all who read and commented.

A couple of general observations about this month's entries: The assignment was an experiment; I honestly didn't know how y'all would deal with it.   Thanks for being such good sports <g>.

Everyone made an extra effort to wrestle this weird assignment to the ground—and it shows.   FWIW—every entry got at least one winning vote—which tells you something about the overall quality of the contributions, I think.

I was also impressed by the diverse takes on the assignment: Some writers chose locations devoid of sight cues, others suggested reasons (either situation or physiology) for the POVC to be non-sighted, and others simply chose to avoid visual cues in depicting their setting.

My only general nit: Some writers focused so much on avoiding visuals that they forgot about creating a clear setting that would pull the reader into the story at the outset (which was, after all, the main purpose of this assignment <g>).  Don't know about anyone else, but it's hard for me to vicariously experience a story (one of the main functions of spec fiction, IMO) if I'm floating around the ether.  And the more alien the situation, the more important it is to lock the reader into something familiar early on, I think—sort of a solid platform on which you can proceed to construct the unfamiliar elements.

(All of this is IMHO of course.  I'm still clawing up my own learning curve.  IOW, these are just a few fevered musings of a writer who gets to rant 'cause she's the BOC Admin ha ha ha <g>.)

Thanks ever so.  I'm a little slow this morning—BOC comments—plus guidelines for September—will be posted later today.


Susan

Index
RESCUE MISSION by Jon Woolf
LAST SHUTTLE FROM COLONY 19 by Derek Paterson
THE TOUCH OF LIFE by Martin MacArthur
BORN TO BE BLUE by Bill Allan
NEW BEGINNING by BJ Galler
THE CHANGE by Nancy Hecht
ABDUCTED by Wayne Sowry
TOMORROW, CADIZ by Josh Langston


RESCUE MISSION by Jon Woolf


      Currents swirled gently along Janissa's bare sides.  Thin plankton, she thought as the tiny lifeforms tickled her skin, typical for this depth. She drifted a moment, stretching her senses in all directions.  This deep there was no light at all, but the more time she spent down here, the less that lack mattered to her.  I wonder why that is...
      She tensed, then made the weird gulp-shout that radiated a sonar pulse into the sea.  The returning echoes made her whole body vibrate.  How she read the echoes she had no idea, but she did.  They told her of small fish there and there, a much larger fish up there, and the bottom not far below.
      She turned left and dove deeper, away from the big fish.  Back to work, girl.  That sunken submersible is down here somewhere, and it has to be close to running out of air.

COMMENTS

SECOND—Really nifty idea executed well. (BJ)

I know the first couple of paragraphs are trying to establish some setting, but there’s no conflict at all until the very last sentence. It sounds like a description of the cover of one of those relaxation tapes. Perhaps try and get the sunken submersible in the story earlier, and have her worried about something that’s happening in the sea—maybe that big fish is a white pointer shark. “the weird gulp-shout”—if this is something she does all the time, then she probably wouldn’t think of it as “weird”. How us readers would think of it is irrelevant. “How she read the echoes she had no idea, but she did.”—I think cut all this out. I’m sure she wouldn’t even normally think about it, any more than we think about how we interpret visual or auditory signals. It’s also a major candidate for some tightening. - WJS

2nd place. I was swept into the currents of this story, feeling the mystery and urgency. But I feel that the thought “I wonder why that is...” pulls away from the narrative and isn’t really necessary. Beyond that, I couldn’t see any other nits. SWH

I think the story has potential but the start was slow.  I would read on but not much more unless something (action of some sort) happened.  This seemed a bit forced trying to fit the criteria of the BOC assignment. - nlh

Not bad overall, and a grabber last paragraph. FIRST. -dp

Trained female dolphin with human thought processes? A woman with some kind of aquatic modification? The writer effectively eliminated sight cues, but I needed to know a little more about this character. Bill

Good use of senses (might have been nice if taste had been worked in along with sound and touch), and an intriguing hint that the MC is not precisely human. Well-written, though the last line, about the sunken submersible, sounded a bit forced, like she was thinking it for the benefit of the reader. —Beth

Not a bad opening at all. Reads a bit like something I'd expect to find in a distaff version of Boy's Life (assuming there is such a thing). Makes first pass. Finishes 2nd. -Josh

Going by the criteria established, although light has been banished in this scene, it still exists and is simply not available at the moment. The introduction does lead to an interest in reading on.—2nd place—MM

Mine.- JSW

I enjoyed this one.   Eased me into the setting.  "Currents": ah, sea or sky.  "Plankton": ah, sea.  Excellent job staying in the POV of the character, which I think is a key to locking in the setting in the first couple of paragraphs.  Enough detail to tell me I'm not dealing with a human POVC (or at least, not one with average senses).  Brief intro of personality (she's responsible, observant, self-aware), and finally, introduction of conflict/situation by the end.  I'd definitely read on.—Admin.

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LAST SHUTTLE FROM COLONY 19 by Derek Paterson


      Rick opened his eyes and sat up in bed, sure that he'd heard the train whistle.  He listened hard but the sound didn't return.  He'd only dreamed he heard it.  He lay back down, tired and frustrated.
      "Don't you worry," Violet said.  He hadn't known she was there.  Her knitting needles click-clacked softly.  "That train isn't due until tomorrow.  By the time it gets here you'll be safely off-planet."
      He sighed with relief.  "The launch is on schedule?"
      "Yep.  Captain Yang called to confirm they're ready for you.  Me and Mr. Hartwell are gonna take you over tonight after supper.  Make sure you get aboard okay."
      "Thanks, Mrs. Hartwell.  You've been real kind to me."
      "Oh, shush.  We—"
      She broke off as Rick sat up.  There! No mistake this time.  The train was coming, a day early, its open braking vents producing that chilling whistling noise during deceleration.

COMMENTS

It seemed to jump around a bit too much. Eg. I had to read a couple of times before I realised Violet and Mrs. Hartwell were the same person. Sorry. (BJ)

Nice conflict that makes me want to read on. I think it could have been boosted with better action verbs though. Rick’s worried about this train, yet he just “opened” his eyes and “sat up” in bed. And on hearing it again, Mrs Hartwell broke off mid-speech because Rick “sat up” again. Try for more dynamic verbs here to increase the tension. 2nd place. - WJS

No vote. Sorry. There can only be three. I think the opening paragraph would benefit with more active verbs, and tighter description. For example, “he’d heard”, “he listened”, and “he’d only dreamed” are passive. The opening lines could be tightened down this way: “Rick opened his eyes and sat up in bed, but the train whistle didn’t return. Perhaps it had only been a dream.” Although, I’m still not fond of “opened” and “sat up”. The dialogue is good, but could be used to convey Rick’s feelings of tiredness and frustration instead of just stating his feelings. The juxtaposition of whistling trains and off-planet travel surprised me. I’m curious to see where this story goes. SWH

A good start but I have a nit. How is it that he didn't know she was there if she was click-clacking her needles – or he just didn't know who was there...? - nlh

Mine! I was in a hurry, okay?! -dp

No sight cues, but, alas, no setting either. Bill

Nicely written, but I did feel as though too much was left unanswered about the setting and situation. For instance, I took it to be nighttime—it was dark and he had been asleep—yet there's a woman sitting next to his bed, knitting in total darkness, and she makes a reference to "tonight after supper." So I'm distracted by wondering what time of day it really is, not a good thing because that's not a plot or conflict question. However, his obvious fear of the train and his need to be "off planet" before it arrives, coupled with the fact that it does arrive by the end of the excerpt, made me want to read on, which is, on the whole, a good thing <g>. —Beth

Title feels a bit hackneyed. <shrug> Reads well, though the relevance of the train remains a mystery. If it's a big deal, there ought to be a bit more concern expressed. But I realize there's only so much one can do with 150 words. <S> Slips beyond the first pass, but doesn't get much further. —Josh

Vision still present, just not mentioned. but story not interesting enough to on.—MM

Definitely very successful at establishing character and setting without using sight. It also establishes some interest in the characters, enough that I'd read on at least a little farther. The description of the train seems a bit confusing, but at this point I don't know whether that's sloppiness by the author or a developing story point. There are one or two slight tweaks needed—for example, would Rick be startled by hearing Violet's voice when he hadn't known she was there? SECOND.—JSW

Good job avoiding sight cue, but where am I?  Yes, I know Rick's in bed, but I wanted more sense of the space.  I might've trimmed a few words of conversation, and locked down the setting more.  I did like the details on the sounds of the train whistle, and yeah, I know it's tough to cover everything in 150 words.  I am such a meanie <g>.—Admin.

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THE TOUCH OF LIFE by Martin MacArthur


      Soft/hard/tap worried. Warm had disappeared, but she knew of no reason. Standing in place she could reach nothing unusual, nothing that felt strange. She stepped forward, moving her feet until she knew Wall would stop her. Finally, her fingers touched Wall and she could go no further.
      When Hard/hard/soft/touch came in, he knew something was wrong. There was no welcoming hand, no fingers to greet him. That had not happened for a long time, and if he had not accidentally stumbled on Soft/hard/tap lying on Floor that earlier time, there could have been real trouble. She had fainted, and he feared another problem similar. His feelings for Soft/hard/tap were deep; the pleasure of exploring her body gave joy to his fingertips. Among the textures of his world, the touch of his mate was what he desired most. Life was not easy, and holding on became important.

COMMENTS

THE TOUCH OF LIFE - Honourable Mention. Interesting notion, but the switch from her to him left me wondering what happened to her and why did she just stop at the wall. I love the last line... and wonder if it should be nearer the front. (BJ)

I liked the first paragraph but was not keen on the change of POV. I was just warming to Soft/hard/tap then suddenly boom, she was gone. Then after two short sentences with Hard/hard/soft/touch, the piece wandered off into backstory and reflection and got lost. - WJS

No vote. Sorry. There can only be three. Such an interesting concept and fresh way of thinking. Would make good speculative or science fiction. That said, I felt there was too much going on, a little too much to grasp all at once. I think the opening would have benefited by trimming back to just one person/sensation. The POV switch was too soon, I felt. SWH

Very visual (no pun intended.) It made me think of Helen Keller, from her point of view. Very interesting. I would read on. THIRD PLACE - nlh

Valiant attempt at an alternative non-sight/sensation language, but ultimately that's all there is. -dp

A little weird but intriguing. I didn't like the POV shift in the middle—it detracted, shifting the focus too soon from Soft/hard/tap and her environment. Also, unless the writer plans to introduce some sort of shorthand for the names, they will quickly become tiresome, and are already confusing. —Beth

Lost points for the POV shift, and, while we're on the subject, how are these long namesSoft/hard/tap & Hard/hard/soft/touch—going to work over the course of even a very short story? Could become quickly annoying. Bill

Has a very alien feel to it, which isn't helped by the POV shift. Reading several pages of this would quickly become tedious. Sorry, no vote. —Josh

Mine.—MM

Interesting concept, and it successfully meets the conditions, but there's too much "tell" and not enough "show," especially in the second paragraph.—JSW

Interesting, interesting.  You avoided not only sight cues, but also the sense of sight altogether.  A very challenging response to the assignment, and characters that I think I could grow to like.  Only nit: this is not the most reader-friendly opening; The names are an intriguing choice, but tough to absorb at the outset, and I think it's a little early on to switch POVs.  That said, there's conflict here, so there's probably a good story, if you can smoothe out some of the technique. <g>—Admin.

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BORN TO BE BLUE by Bill Allan


      Indigo Taylor loved the smell. Perhaps its components weren't very savory, but the combination of cheap liquor, cigarette smoke, cooking grease and fresh sweat always put a smile on his face.
      His Personal Radar Pack warned that a drunken male—five-ten, 190 pounds—lurched his way. He let the man stumble past and out the door, then located the bandstand in the far corner of the Blood-n-Guts Cafe.
      On stage, he turned the PRP off. An amazing tool, it communicated his environment in electronic sense code, but the subtle skin pricks were an unnecessary distraction up here. Blues code came from inside. And the only tool he needed was the custom Fender Stratocaster.
      He strummed warm-up chords until a cold hand gripped his left shoulder.
      "You owe me, Taylor."
      Cringing from the voice, Indigo clicked the PRP back on . . . but there was no one anywhere near him.

COMMENTS

THIRD—I liked the title, and the name, and the colour, but I think the length of the sentences made it a bit hard to read and get involved right away. (BJ)

Any story that includes a Fender Strat can’t be all bad <g>. I liked the opening sentence: short and solid, and it got me wondering. I think the second sentence might have been better though only mentioning three things, perhaps: “...cheap liquor, cigarette smoke, and sweat...” “An amazing tool, it communicated his environment in electronic sense code”—I think better if this explanation was omitted at this stage. And maybe simplify the last sentence: “Indigo cringed, and clicked the PRP back on...” 3rd place. - WJS.

No vote. Sorry. There can only be three. First, I felt the opening sentence was too short. I wanted to know what smell did Indigo love. The components of the smell are there, but together what do they indicate? I think “Indigo Taylor loved the smell of the Blood-n-Guts Café” is a much more powerful opening line. Second, I found “An amazing tool, it communicated his environment in electronic sense code” was unnecessary and distracting. Indigo wouldn’t think of his PRP in these terms. It would just be a part of him, second nature. Someone else would think of the PRP in these terms. But finally, I’d like to read more. I can almost taste the juicy ghost story. SWH

Fun start and would read on, but I'm a sucker for potentially spooky stuff. FIRST PLACE – nlh

First sentence could maybe use "...of the place." tacked on. Good telling and good hook. SECOND. -dp

Interesting title. Interesting content. Makes first pass. Finishes 1st. —Josh

The opening line could use a little tweaking, by way of clarifying what he loved the smell of. Try this: "Indigo Taylor loved the smell of the Blood-n-Guts Cafe." That name has a high interest factor in itself <g>, and it immediately places the reader in a setting. Also, in the list of smells that follows, I'd recommend adding one that's out of the ordinary, something you wouldn't expect to find in your average nightclub. I liked the idea of the Personal Radar Pack. And who is this guy who can touch him and yet is invisible to the PRP? I'd read on. —Beth

Story about a blind blues musician? Who could belong to this one? Oh, me. <g> Bill

A good start, with PRP taking the place of vision, but not eliminating it. This opening had a lot of interest to it and the kind of detail that makes a reader perk up. - 3rd place—MM.

I like this one. It meets the conditions well, it's successful at establishing a mood, and the final sentence is definitely a heck of a hook! FIRST—JSW

Smoothly written; I'd definitely read on.  Devilishly clever to develop a scientific device to circumvent the visual restrictions. <g> I'd love to have a specific smell added to first sentence; it's a bit empty as it stands.   I like the rather poetic concept of blues code coming "from inside."  And the last sentence is excellent—really keeps the piece moving.—Admin

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NEW BEGINNING by BJ Galler


      I distinctly remember dying. No light at a tunnel's end, just one long last breath from emphysema-riddled lungs and then oblivion. I woke up in a warm and comforting world knowing something wasn't right.
      Then I got squeezed just hard enough to scare the shit outta me and everything changed from warm to cool and quiet to noisy.
      Someone said "It's a girl!" and I knew damned well fate had played me a hideous trick.
      Not the sort of new beginning I'd expect for a man who'd spent most of his life living fast—full of cigarettes, booze, and drugs. And women.
      "Praise to the Goddess," someone muttered.
      This wasn't reincarnation, it was a New Age Hell.
      "Sorry to disappoint you," said a voice just inside my head, "but this is about as far from Hell as you're ever gonna be."
      Can't be Heaven.
      "Nope," said the voice, "Anaheim."

COMMENTS

Mine. I needed something to get myself going! So—a rebirth of sorts for me. (BJ)

The last sentence makes this sound like a complete story. It also turns what started off as a story about his resurrection into just a joke about Anaheim, although the punch line is rather lost on me, not being all that familiar with the place (assuming it’s referring to the real one in LA). And having the MC die, or remember dying, in the opening sentence activates my “cheap trick” alarm. Perhaps start with him waking into the new world and then remembering things about his death. “I woke up in a warm and comforting world”—at the time of his awakening, how would he know that the world was comforting? I think he’d have to be there a while to be able to decide that. - WJS

No vote. Sorry. There can only be three. This story has great potential for a humour piece. Just one nit: there is a switch in tenses: the opening line is present tense while the rest is past tense. SWH

Interesting and I would turn the page. - SECOND PLACE – nlh

I clawed for purchase but couldn't quite grasp what was going on. Not bad, but other openings were easier reads. -dp

This has everything—humor, imagination, and a highly intriguing set-up. Where's the rest? FIRST. —Beth

I don't think a "last breath from emphysema-riddled lungs" would be long. It's more like suffocation. And I'd recast these sentences: "Not the sort of new beginning I'd expect for a man who'd spent most of his life living fast—full of cigarettes, booze, and drugs. And women." Maybe something like: Not the sort of new beginning I'd expect for a man who'd filled his previous life with cigarettes, booze, drugs, and fast women. Bill

Sorry, I just don't like this. I don't have anything against reincarnation, or humor, but neither hit me the right way in this. Sorry, no vote. —Josh

The vision was still there, just a few seconds away from being seen. Very good start in the writing, but ended in a lame bad joke. I would just put it down and pick up something else.—MM

I'm not sure how to react to this one. It works well enough as an opening, it meets the technical requirements, but it still seems to be missing something. It reminds me of what happens to my BOC entries when they come out too long and have to be cut—the reader is left without some vital bit of data required to connect the dots. I wonder if that happened to this one. I also don't much like the "hard" tone, but that's just personal preference.—JSW

Excellent first paragraph—good set-up for the situation.  Beginning with the second paragraph, however, I felt as if the POVC had changed; the "voice" was much harsher, less reflective—more short sentences and profanity.  The "rebirth" setting is an interesting choice; because it's familiar, it requires only minimal description for us to know where we are.  I experienced another jarring "voice" transition near the end: it took a couple of readings to realize that the POVC's thoughts and "the voice just inside my head" were not the same voice.  This is intriguing—but confusing as it's written.  I think there's a story here—but the intro needs some tweaking, IMO.  (And FWIW, do all readers know how funny Anaheim is? <g>).—Admin.

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THE CHANGE by Nancy Hecht


      Janelle felt her lungs fill with air as her overworked muscles slowly relaxed. The fan above tickled the hair on her arms and the sound of the waves slapping the rocks far below helped soothe away the stresses of the day. She concentrated on the sound of animals, trying to decide if they were singing to her from outside her window or from her dreams.
      The strange thought lingered as she rolled over, the pillow caressing her cheek. She could still hear the croaking of frogs – or was that a bird? The croaking became louder and was accompanied by the scratching of feet shuffling through the sand.
      Janelle's heart sped up as the sounds grew nearer. A trickle of sweat raced across her back. How could they have found her so soon? The metamorphosis was not complete.

COMMENTS

Nice setting, but it got in the way of the immediate threat to the POVC. I'd rather have her note something was wrong almost immediately. Sorry, this didn't work for me.(BJ)

A weak opening sentence. Forget what Janelle felt, just say what happened: "Janelle's lungs filled with air...". The description of the setting loses me a bit. She's obviously in some sort of building, and there are "rocks far below". Yet despite how far above the water she is, and that it's rocky, she can still hear "the scratching of feet shuffling through the sand." Where's the sand? It sounds like she's on a cliff, but somehow with a beach at her doorstep. "A trickle of sweat raced across her back"—a trickle raced? Isn't that contradictory? - WJS

No vote. Sorry. There can only be three. I felt this piece could do better with stronger verbs. There’s too much of “felt”, “the sound of”, “could” and so on. For example the opening paragraph could be condensed to “Janelle’s lungs filled with air as her overworked muscles slowly relaxed under the cool air of the fan. The waves slapping the rocks far below helped to soothe away the stresses of the day. Animals sang to her, either outside her window or in her dreams.” Although, I’m still not happy with this; it’s too choppy. Nice use of urgency and imminent danger. I’d read on if you had more. SWH

Mine. - nlh

Not bad, but other openings had clearer hooks. -dp

This gave me the feeling of being with a character who could see her environment, but wasn't sharing those visuals with the reader. There's a distinct difference between that and a character who truly can't see what's around her. Consequently, even though the sense of sound and touch were used, they didn't fully compensate for the lack of visual cues, which I kept feeling should be there. I found it a bit confusing, too—is she just settling down to sleep ("overworked muscles slowly relaxed") or just waking up ("trying to decide if they were singing to her from outside her window or from her dreams"). The sudden rise in tension comes a bit late to rescue this. —Beth

Okay, I'll bite, what metamorphosis? Third Place. Bill

I'd expect the metamorphosis to be the thing on the POVC's mind, rather than her environment (and yes, I know this exercise is supposed to be about setting). Still, it loses its opening shot at verisimilitude. Sorry, no vote. —Josh

Sense of vision is not used, but if the room has windows, vision is implied. Good, with a hook at the end. 1st place—MM

Technically this one is okay, but it seems a little on the weak side. It's too passive-voiced, if that makes any sense. The last line makes a decent hook, but I'm not sure the average reader will get that far.—JSW

Excellent use of non-visual cues.  I like this one.  I might have wanted a couple more hints of a half-finished metamorphosis; the last sentence is a bit of a shock.  And maybe a quick location clue, beyond the fact that she's lying on a bed.  But I appreciated the fact that you stayed solidly within the POV of the main character, limited your focus, and didn't try to tell too much of the story too soon.  If Janelle's dreams are an important part of the situation, I might want to know that.  Were they strange dreams, or recurring dreams.  And perhaps, if you gave the "they" in the last paragraph a more specific identity—you'd transition more effectively from setting to conflict?—Admin

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ABDUCTED by Wayne Sowry


      Jason awoke to a warm breeze and the dull hum of a hover-bike. As gusts of wind buffeted his face, the sensation of movement brought the realisation that he was sitting astride the machine. Certainly not controlling it: an impossibility given his blindfold and bound wrists.
      They banked right and suddenly the wind disappeared. The air became cold and damp, the engine’s whine reverbrating in the darkness as if the world had thrown up walls around them. They must have entered a tunnel. They continued forward, now turning left, now right. At times the air quality changed, becoming cooler or warmer, damper or dryer, or the echoes became more pronounced as they moved through a larger cavern. Details stirred Jason’s memory: the splash of water in a pool, a whiff of sulphur, the whistle of wind blowing across an opening.
      This place was familiar. But where?

COMMENTS

Too much emphasis on the rapidly changing environment. It jarred me enough to make me have to work to follow along and interferred with me caring about the POVC. Sorry. (BJ)

Mine. - WJS

1st place. Nicely done. Nothing to pick at except the double use of “now” in “They continued forward, now turning left, now right.” I would eliminate the first one. SWH

I would read on a bit more but something would have to happen soon to keep me reading. - nlh

Not bad, could easily have scored with more analysis of who's flying the machine or similar hard info. -dp

Very good use of the senses; I could see, even though he couldn't. THIRD—Beth

Effective use of a plethora of non-visual sense cues to provide setting—without totally stopping the action. Bravo! First Place. Bill

They blindfolded the POVC's wrists? The swine! <G> I'd probably read on a little further. Makes first pass. Finishes 3rd. —Josh

Even though blindfolded, the sense of vision was still present, and would return when the blindfold is removed.—MM

This needs a bit of work on sentence structure & flow—for example, instead of "As gusts of wind buffeted his face," make it "Gusts of wind buffeted his face; the sensation...". That is, semicolons instead of commas. And the last "sentence" in the lead paragraph is just fragments. Other than that, a pretty good effort. Establishes character & setting and touches my interest. Third.—JSW

Good job.  This intro works for me because you wake Jason up, intro the sound of the bike, then put his on the hover bike.  So by the end of the second sentence, I (the reader) know where I am, and I can vicariously experience the rest of the opening without confusion.  Second paragraph is like a virtual hoverbike ride.  Excellent sense cues, very specific.  The "memory" sentence at the end was confusing for an instant, but you recovered quickly by immediately telling us the place was familiar.  I'm not sure the "But where?" is necessary, though.  But I'd certainly read on.—Admin.

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TOMORROW, CADIZ by Josh Langston


      Ali lay still, though the flies bathing in his sweat tickled and taunted, daring him to flinch. Yet a feigned death was vastly preferable to a real one, so he ignored the vermin and waited for the Spaniards to pass him by. Surely Allah had something better in mind for him, and when the sun went down Ali intended to crawl away and find out.
      Someone groaned nearby. Mahmoud? Yes. Be still, my friend.
      Footsteps.
      Ali took the shallowest of breaths and tried to ignore the images his mind conjured from nearby sounds. Mahmoud's groans. The thunk of blade on flesh. Mahmoud's sudden silence.
      He would weep later, Allah willing. For now—
      Hands!
      Someone tugged at his boots. Take them; take them!
      Voices. Confounded language! What were they saying?
      More footsteps. Arguments? No, laughter. Scavengers. Human vultures.
      A sword hissed from its sheath.
      Allah, protect me!

COMMENTS

FIRST. Well written with excellent tension which propelled me forward to read more. (BJ)

Not a very dynamic opening statement: “Ali lay still”. Nice conflict though, which makes me want to keep reading. And good use of the senses. 1st place. - WJS

3rd place. I found nothing really to pick at, but I was halted by the single words: “Footsteps”, “Hands!”, and “Voices.” Where the opening paragraph is nicely narrative, the remainder is stilted by these shorter words. SWH

I would read a bit more – it was easy reading – but something exciting would have to happen soon. - nlh

Interesting read. THIRD. -dp

Swift-moving, lots of tension, and I was right there with him. Missed first by the skinniest of margins and landed in SECOND—Beth

Hooked me without visuals—I'd read on a bit. Second Place. Bill

A wretched piece of melodramatic crap if I've ever seen one. Have the author flayed, rolled in salt, and stored—inverted—over a cesspool. —Josh

Good but the sense of sight was still in the story, just not used because his eyes were closed.. It carried interest though..—MM

This one is interesting, but not quite first-rank compared to the others. It works all right and meets the conditions; it just doesn't work well enough. Misses a vote by the skin of its teeth.—JSW

Love the opening sentence; it was so icky, I was squirming.  And smooth work slipping both the setting (lying on the ground pretending he's dead) and the conflict (enemy Spaniards hanging around) into the first coupla sentences.  Good job staying in the POVC's head, even though you switch back and forth from internal thoughts to awareness of what's happening around him.   The switches between internal thought and internal dialogue is a little confusing, partly 'cause dashes don't make the distinction as clearly as italics.  You alleviated this a bit by establishing that nifty rhythm near the end: three consecutive sentences beginning with description of outside events, followed by internal comment.  Also—very nNice work keeping the voice consistent—a bit formal, with a storytelling feel to it.  I'd certainly read on.—Admin.


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