May 2002 Best Openings Contest Results
Your Administratix,
Beth
Index Of Wings and Stones - Dee-Ann Latona
Falling Out - Jon Woolf
Overtures - Susan Wing
Morgan's Limp - Sid Gittler
The Steersman - Derek Paterson
Trees - Phyllis Davis
Executive Order - Josh Langston
Untitled #1 - Sophia Ahmed
Piece of Work - David Gillon
Breathe Revenge - Nancy Hecht
Untitled #2 - Lynn Fernandez
General Comment (DG): I found it harder than usual to judge this month's entries. It's very difficult to see where a story is going from a single paragraph, which may mean we've hit the lower limit on useful word count for the BOC. General note (JW): Voting this month was tough. Truthfully, none of these really reached out and grabbed me. Several have the seeds of good openings in them, but they aren't there yet. None seems worthy of a first-place vote, so I'm not giving one. Second place to "Of Wings and Stones." Third is a tie between "Untitled #1" and "Piece of Work."
Of Wings and Stones - Dee-Ann Latona
Maybe it was loneliness that had driven Dr. Haith to madness, or suicide. Maybe it was the vast expanse of flat nothing that stretched out in all directions, as far as Roger could see from his vantage point on the roof.
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First sentence is unclear. It sounds as though the narrator can't decide which actually happened, the madness or the suicide. Also, the transition into Roger's POV from an omniscient-sounding opening is jarring.—Admin.Nothing struck me to read on. The first sentence made me tilt me head and go, 'huh?' Sorry, no vote. - nlh
Immediate confusion over whether Dr. Haith and Roger are the same person, and whether Roger (if he's suicidal) is about to throw himself off the roof. Further confusion lies in the tense ("that had driven" - past perfect) which suggests Dr. Haith is already mad or has already committed suicide, or both. Rather than hang around to figure things out, I moved to the next opening. -DP
Either\or clarification, please. Is Dr Haith mad or dead? If he's just missing then let Roger say so. He doesn't know what has happened to the good Dr. He could have been kidnapped by aliens! -KevinS
This could be a compelling opening scene, but I think it's buried in some of the word choices and sentence structure. A couple of thoughts: Is it madness or suicide? I would make a decision; as a reader, I think I prefer a clear set-up in the first paragraph. Also, I had assumed Roger and Dr. Haith were the same person; on second reading, I wasn't so sure. I think the ambiguity weakens the paragraph. And if they are the same person, I'd go with "Roger"; makes me feel sympathy more quickly. Finally, the fact that he's on the roof (which is pretty intriguing, IMO) gets swallowed up at the end of a longish sentence. Suggest you break it up, and give this rather startling revelation more prominence. An interesting set-up, but needs to be shuffled and edited for most impact, IMO —-SEW.
Interesting. Makes first pass. On the second read it doesn't promise to cover any really new ground. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
I liked the image of the vast, empty expanse. The first line was confusing though. I don't understand whether the author is wondering if someone else's suicide had driven the Doctor to madness, or if loneliness had driven the Doctor to suicide. It needs to be re-worded clearly. Also, I'd like to know where Roger's vantage point was - the roof of what? Gets Third Place for the month based on the vast expanse image.—SA
Short, simple, to the point. It intrigues me. I would probably keep reading, because it's intriguing and because what's given seems incomplete. There's definitely a sense that there's a story to be told here, and very possibly an interesting one.-JW
Maybe loneliness had driven Dr. Haith to madness. Maybe the vast expanse of flat nothing that stretched out in all directions had driven him to suicide. Roger stood on the roof, contemplating the doctor's last moments before he had jumped to his death. Or something like that. Lynn
Nothing to say where we are, but maybe that is the point here. One quibble: 'madness, or suicide'-surely it should be clear which (or both). Simplicity scores higher than it normally would with such tight limits on structure, so this is my third place for the month. DG
No comment-Kathi
2nd Place: One question stood between 2nd and 1st. Whose roof? I think it's the doctor's roof but not sure. SG
This could work, though the last phrase is a bit distracting from the flat expanse my eye wanted to see. Sorry (BJ)
Falling Out - Jon Woolf
For as long as he lived, Darval would never forget the bizarre spectacle before him: the giant warrior-god that his brother had become was pleading with him. He'd never heard Jarren plead with anyone before. "Darval," Jarren said in that desperate tone, "Try to understand. I did this - all of this - for you." He hefted the wargod's massive battleaxe in one hand, summoned a sphere of light with the other. "Two years searching for Duryagai's armor, another spent learning to use my new powers. I killed several changelings trying to restore them, and I'll have their blood on my hands forever. I lost my farm, my wife, my family. All of that just for this chance. Please, don't make it all be for nothing. Let me break Somergai's spell and make you human again. "
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The fact that the warrior-god is his brother is unexpected and makes a nice hook. But it's lost in the jumble of an over-crowded paragraph. The first two sentences could be trimmed and tweaked for greater impact: "For as long as he lived, Darval would never forget the bizarre spectacle before him: the giant warrior-god was pleading with him. He'd never heard his brother plead with anyone before." That's really all you need for a first paragraph, and it does the job. —AdminFelt like too much was shoved into the first paragraph. It did introduce the characters and plot, though... just a little forced. - nlh
Reads more like a "Here's what happened in the previous story, now read on..." prologue intended to bring the reader up to speed, than a story beginning. Maybe it starts in the wrong place, I dunno. -DP
As much as this is definitely an attention-grabber, I think this opening loses its power because I have no feel for the characters. I don't know what kind of form Darval's stuck in, and what problems it causes him, to understand what would drive his brother to such lengths. I also find myself wondering why Jarren needs Darval's permission. You did a good job in pointing out that Jarren never pleads ... so that gives us some indication of what he's like, but it seems somehow like I need to know more of their personal relationship, what would make Jarren give up literally everything for this ... and whether Darval thinks that this is really the entire reason that Jarren went through so much trouble. After all, he'll still be a god when this is over, won't he?
It definitely sounds like this will be an interesting story, and I think you're probably not too far off from your starting point here ... as a reader I'm definitely curious to see what the "real" story here is with all of this interesting backstory going on. —Dee-Ann
Nit, nit, nit. Speech on separate line, new para. Interesting enough to carry me further on into the story. —KevinS
Lots of drama here, but weighted down with too many different actions and interchanges for an opening paragraph, IMO. Simply can't absorb all the info: In this one paragraph, you're telling the reader that MC's brother has become a warrior-god, that he's pleading with him for the first time - then you recap what brother went through to get to this point, then you reveal that MC is under a spell. That's enough for an entire chapter, IMO <g>. If I were editing, I would cut out references to back story, and focus on the present-tense confrontation. You almost could end the first paragraph after "I did this—all of this—for you." —-SEW
There's just way too much going on here. It's overloaded. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
I've read this over a few times, and what I keep thinking is that Darval should be saying all this to Jarren. It's because I've been told that Jarren has become a war god, but I haven't been told anything about Darval. Maybe this is the hook that the author is going for - that despite appearances, it is the innocent-sounding brother who is the non-human one - but I'm not sure, and I'm afraid the thought that the author just doesn't keep things clear would stop me from reading on.—SA
Mine. I don't expect it to do well; it's actually a bit plucked from the middle of a story-under-development.-JW
I think this needs a complete rewrite. IMHO the first sentence screams author intrusion. I'd rather see the spectacle than be told that it was a spectacle. As it is written I feel that the real paragraph break should occur when Jarren speaks. Lynn
I think this one counts as at least two paras, the second one starting with Jarren's first speech. It's got plot elements, character and background, but unfortunately it really doesn't do anything for me. DG
It sets up the entire story right there in the opening. Of course, I'd have to be kept enthralled, since I have a good idea of what's going to happen—unless there's some spectacular twist of events along the way? Honorable mention. Kathi
Honorable Mention: In lots of way this is actually the best entry. Just can't accept it as a single paragraph. SG
It worked for me. SECOND (BJ)
Overtures - Susan Wing
Varlas heard the drums long before the final turn. She raked her thumbs through the thick fur falling over her forehead. With her luck, they'd be camped out in front of the stage door. Oh sweet Gillaine, now they were chanting. As the deep droning waves surged down the Esplanade, she sank back into the cushions and massaged her temples. Gods, no one in the Alliance could carry a tune.
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I like Varlas's wry observations. She sounds like a character I'd enjoy spending time with, and for that reason alone, I'd read on. Otherwise, this opening is composed of a number of context-less images that raise distracting questions in the reader's mind, such whether she's wearing a fur or if she herself is furry, and whether she's lounging in a gazebo waiting for a parade to march by, or being borne along in a litter. These are the wrong questions for your reader to be asking <g>; we'd much rather be wondering about story/conflict questions. You don't necessarily have to include a lot of information or visuals in the opening paragraph, but what's there needs to be clear. —AdminSparks my interest (which is the point, I guess) but it didn't flow as well as it could have. I'm not sure what exactly struck me as clunky... maybe the 'Oh sweet... chanting.' sentence. - nlh
Alas, a slightly confusing mish-mash that left me thinking, "Eh, what?" There are too many dischordant things jammed into this opening paragraph, IMHO. -DP
Is the fur hers, or from a pelt she's wearing? It sounds like Varlas is in a carriage or something similar, give us more feeling of motion? I'm having a hard time completely settling into what's happening.—Dee-Ann
Little bit confusing. Is character entertainer or high mucky-muck in the Resistance Movement fighting to throw off the yoke of an Oppressor? Needs a little straightening to clear up. —KevinS
Mine. Inevitably, I started to change it as soon as I sent it <g>. I still like the premise and character, but rhythm is too choppy, IMO. It was supposed to reflect drumbeats, MC's snappish mood, etc.; an experiment that didn't quite work <wry g>. —- SEW
I've no idea what's going on here, but there's humor, and that's always a good sign. Makes first pass. I'm still chuckling over this one, though I'm puzzled by the "thick fur falling over her forehead." Makes second pass. Finishes second. -Josh
I have unclear images in my head from reading this - is the fur falling over Varlas's forehead actually growing from her, or is it a hood/cloak? The "raked her thumbs" part sounds strange enough for me to wonder whether Varlas is some sort of creature, but there is no further hint to confirm or back this. Generally, there is detail missing which wouldn't have been too much for an opening paragraph to contain. For example, a few more words describing the nature of the chanting, and a hint of who 'they' are is needed, for me. Overall, it's so light on solid description that I don't have enough of an idea of what the setting or the POVC are like, and so I'm not drawn in enough to read on I'm afraid. -SA
Strong dislike here, sorry. There doesn't seem to be any coherent flow to it; it's just a string of unconnected sentences. A suggestion of humor or maybe camp, but no overall sense of story.-JW
This made me laugh. I felt this was a proper paragraph. 3rd. Lynn
This made me smile, which counts for a lot. I'd be tempted to re-evaluate 'Varlas' as a name, I keep wanting to break the last syllable off as 'lass'. The punctuation needs reworking around 'Oh, Sweet Gillaine!' but apart from this I like what's here, which makes it my second place for the month. DG
It has just about everything I need to get me hooked in a few sentences. I've got a feel for the character, the writing is concise and tight. First. Kathi
3rd Place: Good setting and concept. SG
I wasn't sure if it was suposed to be funny or not, but I smiled at no one could carry a tune. (BJ)
Morgan's Limp - Sid Gittler
"Captain on the bridge," the sentry called and everybody turned. Not out of courtesy because Morgan hated that stuff. Rather to see how badly he was limping. Unlike the old men back on earth who claimed their limbs could forecast weather Morgan's forecast battles. Gave them time to prepare for enemies thinking they were catching them by surprise. They swiftly turned to their stations when the saw how bad his limp was that morning.
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Good opening. It's always desirable to put something unexpected in the first paragraph. The prose is too choppy, though. Smooth it out by linking some of the sentences: "Captain on the bridge!" the sentry called and everybody turned. Not out of courtesy, because Morgan hated that stuff, but rather to see how badly he was limping." —AdminToo choppy, at least this early on in a story. Sentences like these usually speed the reading along, like during a fight or some other major action, but here it slowed it down for me. Sorry, no vote. - nlh
I'd read on to see how the author intends to explain Morgan's clairvoyant leg, and of course, to learn who's doing the attacking. SECOND. -DP
Most of what I see here are nits, this is a great opener. :) I'd add a comma between "weather" and "Morgan's"..."weather, Morgan's". The sentence starting with "Gave them time" is a bit confusing. I THINK you're saying that it gave time to prepare for being sneak attacked but I'm not sure. First. —Dee-Ann
Could be tightened, so...>>"Captain on the bridge," the sentry called and everybody turned to see how badly Morgan was limping. Unlike the old men back on earth who claimed their limbs could forecast weather, Morgan's battle-damaged leg forecast trouble. Giving his crew valuable time to prepare for waiting\lurking enemies and taking them by surprise, instead.<<
A read on to see what kind of exciting action and blood curdling mayhem lies ahead. Third-KevinS
I think you've got an interesting MC here, definitely a Man with a Past <g>. I feel like some of the sentences need to be shuffled; the explanation of Morgan's leg compared to old men back on earth felt more omniscient than the rest of the paragraph; maybe it needs to be shifted to the beginning, before we move onto the bridge? Also, the terse sentence fragments can be effective in moderation.; I think there are too many of them here; a bit distracting, IMO. I think you could restore a few good 'ol subject/verb sentences and have more impact. Good last sentence, BTW; says a lot in very few words. —SEW
Morgan's Limp—Another interesting approach, though it appears to be missing a comma here and there. Makes first pass. The second read reveals all telling, and that last line really cries out to be shown. If it had, this would've made the second pass. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
The prophetic limp sounds like an interesting feature to hang the story on, especially if it was a subtly humourous piece, but it doesn't seem right for the title. This opening needs reading aloud to spot where sentences could be written more completely. It reads a little like notes at the moment. "when the saw" should be "when they saw" in the final sentence. The writing reads awkwardly I'm afraid, and would put me off reading further.—SA
This does well up to the last sentence, then it just falls flat. It's too simple, too much of a "whack the reader across the face to make sure he notices." It's telling, not showing. IMHO it would work better if it was something like "This morning, the sight of his agonized shuffle sent them back to their duties with redoubled energy."-JW
There's a typo but I still gave it a 2nd. Also I want to insert an It before Gave them time. Lynn
Interesting, I'm not certain it's enough to drive an entire story, but interesting all the same. DG
Lost first only because the writing was not as smooth. Particularily the last sentence seems not to flow. Second. Kathi
11th Place: Read it and had one question. How the heck did I ever submit such drek? SG
Interesting, but needed to be executed a little more tightly to keep me going. (BJ)
The Steersman - Derek Paterson
The storm came suddenly out of the southeast, bringing with it darkness and monstrous waves that crashed over the galley and threatened to send her to the bottom of the sea. The oarsmen pulled for all they were worth, but could make little headway against the storm's savage, unrelenting fury. Ranald of Skyree, lashed to the tiller, knew that their only chance of survival rested in reaching the safety of the sheltered harbor that lay somewhere ahead, obscured by the blinding rain.
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Active (as opposed to static) description, which is good, but the description itself relies on stock phrases: "savage, unrelenting fury," blinding rain," "pulled for all they were worth," "only chance of survival." Would be stronger if you started with the character, and gave us some little tidbit about him that inspired more than casual interest in whether he goes down with his ship. Read the opening paragraph to the prologue of SHO-GUN, which is similarly about a man on a ship caught in a gale. But by the end of that first paragraph, we have a broad but clear sketch of the situation, who (and where) the man is, and a glimpse of what's at stake. —AdminI would read on... well done. Second place. - nlh
Mine. Would have appeared in Winter Raven if those amateur fools knew what the hell they were doing. -DP
I'm not sure if my not being pulled into this is a personal thing or what. Maybe not knowing anything of Ranald means I really don't care what happens to him. Maybe I'm turned off of "storm at sea" openings. Is Ranald part of the crew, a passenger, or a prisoner? I know it's common to lash yourself to the ship in a storm like this but give me more about Ranald ... I don't think the detail of his being from Skyree really adds anything at this point. —Dee-Ann
Nope, can't get excited about this one. (And a dark and stormy opening? Doesn't that usually get it tossed straight into the reject pile?) —KevinS
No crits for this one. I was pulled in immediately. Lyrical sentence rhythm, description that moves, very effective use of alliteration, without overdoing it. Smooth unfolding of the situation—from the general to the specific: from the sea, to the men, to the MC and the conflict he's facing. I felt the storm, and the MC already seems dynamic. Okay, I liked this a lot. <g> 1st place, IMO—SEW
The Steersman—What killed this for me was the double helping of tired phrases: "...send her to the bottom of the sea..." "...pulled for all they were worth..." "...their only chance of survival..." "...safety of the sheltered harbor..." If the writer couldn't find new ways to express these ideas in the opening graf of the story, then I haven't much confidence that it'll be done anywhere else. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
No problem with the writing. My only quibble would be that I don't have any idea who these people are, where they're going or why they are in a storm. It wouldn't take many words to add this information, and would better round this out into a nice opening paragraph. One minor point - "Ranald of Skyree" had me thinking of Crydee (I think...) from Magician, and so puts in mind that whole setting. If other people mention the same thing, perhaps the name could be reconsidered (unless it helps the author <g>). Gets Second Place for the month. - SA
I think there's a good opening somewhere in this, but it's tied up in what strikes me as clumsy phrasing. The last sentence is again the main problem. It's got two separate thoughts all mixed up together: Ranald lashed to the tiller, and Ranald thinking of their only chance to survive. I'd rip it apart and put it back together in an entirely different form, something like "From his place lashed to the tiller, Ranald of Skyree stared into the blinding rain, hoping for a sight of the sheltered harbor that was their only chance of safety."
Oh, and a technical nit: IIRC, galleys didn't have tillers. "Oarsmen" and "tiller" together sounds more consistent with something like a Viking longship.-JW
IMHO There is a natural paragraph break needed after ...unrelenting fury. Lynn
Calling a character 'A of B' always sets my cliché alarm bells ringing, but apart from that this isn't too bad. Unfortunately it's an opening that needs more than is here, to show us the way the story is shaping, while some of the very stark, simple pieces don't give us the room to start probing into the deeper story. DG
No comment-Kathi
Well done but just seems like a repeat. Just has that been there, read that feel. SG
Execution adept enough to make me know I'd glance into the next graph to see how it unfolds. (BJ)
Trees - Phyllis Davis
Endymion, the voice caressed his ears and mind leaving him feeling relaxed and peaceful. Welcome to the ancestral home of all trees. While you are here I will fill you with a sense of the importance of the forests of the world. While the voice caressed his ears he looked at everything in the clearing. Grass grew to his waist, and there were small clumps of yellow and white flowers some of which were tiny while others were nearly four inches across. The forest surrounding the clearing was filled with trees such, as Endymion had never before seen. He recognized some as oaks except that he had never seen such huge oak trees before, the rest were types he had never seen.
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Unfortunately, this is lacking in conflict or even potential for conflict. Raises no questions to keep us reading. It would be improved if we had a clearer sense of who/what Endymion is, and what he's doing in this clearing. Oh, and whether or not he finds it surprising that a tree is talking to him. <g> Author also needs to study up on the uses and misuses of commas; nearly every one in this excerpt is incorrectly placed and some are missing altogether. Also, watch out for word redundancies ("caressed his ears" is used twice, as is a variation of "he had never seen."). —AdminNothing grabbed me to read on, sorry. - nlh
Didn't appeal to me, a description of the local flora does not promise an exciting story. And is the POV a tree?? -DP
If he's being filled with the sense of the importance of the forests of the world, why is he able to notice all of these things? Or at least why isn't he even thinking about the importance while looking around? I like the name, it rolls nicely off the mental tongue. Also, it would be good to have a sense of where this is going here in the first paragraph. Perhaps a minor thought about why he's there? —Dee-Ann
Nope, doesn't hook at all. Could do with a paragraph break, too. Unless opening to novel then I wouldn't really carry on. -KevinS
Great potential for a mysterious dreamlike opening,( maybe with just a bit of foreboding?)—but simply too many words. A lot of repetition that I'm sure you'd catch on a revision, e.g. use of word "caress, " the phrase "had never seen." And, if we're talking trees, stick with the trees, and save the grass and flowers for later paragraphs. Also, the paragraph might be more powerful if the MC moved/reacted a bit more, instead of just looking around, e.g. felt the bark on one of the trees, saw his own size in relationship to the trees, sought the source of the voice, etc., And, if the voice "caressed," I don't thing you need to say he feels "relaxed and peaceful." Speaking of which: for an opening paragraph, wouldn't it be better to have the voice make him feel fearful or confused? It suggests more of a future conflict, I think. Nice start on the mood of this scene, however— but I think you need to suggest more uneasiness to make a reader carry on.—SEW
Trees— Using the words "never" and "seen" three times in the last two sentences weighs this opening down. Author obviously doesn't trust the reader to pick up on the first instance and batters him with a couple more. Can't say that the psychic Science and Industry Museum propaganda does much for me either. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
Needs proof-reading. Comma needed after "...and white flowers" and "...were tiny". "never seen" appears three times in the final two sentences, and there shouldn't be a comma after "...with trees such". This is blatantly the opposite of what Beth asked us for, but it was a strong reaction I had so I'm mentioning it: the whole druidic peaceful magical tree business feels very old, and I wouldn't have continued to read this past the first couple of sentences in a shop. But it's not just because of personal prejudice - it is because we have no idea of who or what Endymion is, where he is and why he is there. The opening reads like a paragraph taken from the middle of a story, not its beginning. - SA
Clumsy structure again, but not as bad as some other entries. This entry gets the "show, not tell" balance closer to right, IMO. The main problem with this one is that there's no real hook. It establishes a mood and then doesn't do anything with it. Maybe that's more than can be expected from one paragraph; on the other hand, this is the Best Openings Contest.-JW
Uses caressed twice in the paragraph. I would like another word. (Don't ask me which at the moment, however). IMHO the natural break occurs after ...in the clearing. Lynn
Endymion, the setting sun with whom Selene the Moon is in love. The problem with picking names out of Greek classical literature is that they come with considerable baggage and unless that resonance is vital to the plot they're best avoided. The punctuation needs a rework and again I'd say that there are at least two paragraphs here. The voice comes over as the soundtrack for an overly zealous treehugger video or powerpoint presentation, which probably isn't the effect that was hoped for. It isn't apparent where this is going, but I suspect this isn't the best place to start it. DG
No comment-Kathi
Had me going to the end. But the idea that Endymion can recognize only oaks in the whole forest where every kind of tree exists was just too much. SG
Endymion —a great name for a fantasy character! Alas, the opening sentences seemed a bit melodramatic and the use of static/passive verbs slow the pace and get in the way of me really being in that magical wood. (BJ)
Executive Order - Josh Langston
On the one hundredth anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, the Attorney General of the Unites States announced the latest in a string of Executive Orders. President Joseph Jabari Shabaz, in a move heralded by the media as bold, innovative, and timely, made it a crime to be white in America. In addition, Executive Order E10873-2 established a Federal Licensing Bureau to handle the anticipated deluge of ethnicity declarations, protests and arrests which would occur throughout the country. None of the 57 states would be immune, although the great population centers—Shabaz's power base—would see less disruption, at least until the property disbursement hearings began.
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A killer of a plot hook, but it's nearly buried in a morass of text-bookish prose. Lift out the meat and put it into the first sentence, and you've got an opener that ought to make any editor swallow the bait: "On the one hundredth anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, it became a crime to be white in America." —AdminVery nice. First place. - nlh
I'd read on to see how the author intends to explain this absurd (and frankly, completely unappealing) speculative future. THIRD -DP
You've given a good sense of the leap forward in time, and the changes that have occurred in the timespan. It makes me think a bit of South Africa. I wish I had some comments here for you but really, nothing comes to mind. I'd have to see it in context with more story to have any suggestions. —Dee-Ann
This hooked my interest immediately because of the content. Triggered several intriguing possibilities and, given the current trend, seems a lucid extrapolation. First -KevinS
A nifty premise that went on too long (but wait, wait, I gave it 3rd Place, and here's why <g>). As I said, for a single paragraph, it is simply too much—not because of the number of words or sentences so much as the number of themes/major ideas. IMO, when you start throwing in technical terms, numbers, earthshaking revelations, etc., you have to leave time and space for the reader to absorb each of them—or else they turn to mush (both the ideas and the reader's concentration <g>). I counted maybe half a dozen major pieces of exposition—all of them interesting—but one after another, it was a bit of an assault <g>. However, upon re-reading, I discovered that if you simply put a paragraph break after "a crime to be white in America," <ta-dah!> you have a great opening paragraph, IMO. (and the remainder makes a pretty good second paragraph <g>)—which is why I thought this entry deserved one of the top three places. —SEW
Executive Order—Dreadful. Simply dreadful. And mine. -Josh
First Place for the month. Well-written, with lots of detail and information given without it seeming like too much. I can see it following several main characters around with interweaving storylines, which is intriguing. Only problem would be the title - it is repeated twice in the opening, which jars a little.—SA
I smell some strong anti-PC sentiments here. :-) Unfortunately, it's connected to a premise that just doesn't work. First, the President can't arbitrarily establish new crimes by executive order. Only Congress can do that. Second, the specific action described would never be allowed in the US. My suspension of disbelief is annihilated, and the strong political note makes me think this is going to be a polemic disguised as fiction, which I never like. I wouldn't read on.
Oh, and a vocabulary nit: "property disbursement" doesn't fit. It should be "property confiscation" or "property disposition." -JW
Typo United. It's a long paragraph, however I feel that it is a whole graph and not several strung together. I thought this was well written
1st. LynnAn attention grabbing opening, but I'm not convinced the anniversary of Pearl Harbour has sufficient resonance with the subject of the Executive Order-the centenary of the shooting of Martin Luther King or Malcolm X might be more appropriate. My immediate reaction to the idea is to start throwing up objections, but you have the rest of the story to deal with those. Narrowly misses out on a place to a couple of shorter and snappier pieces. DG
No comment-Kathi
Needs prologue IMHO but by itself something was missing but I would like to see it developed in a logical way before and after. SG
Well executed, but not for me. Sorry. (BJ)
Untitled #1 - Sophia Ahmed
The stepped walkway to the city's forum culminated in a massive, towering arch. The craftsman had seen fit to adorn the marble with more fruit than was currently available in the Empire: Carvings of lush, grape-laden vines being tended by gently reaching nymphs covered the arch in such a dreg-worthy display of imperial fawning it made Akrar want to spit. He restrained himself and continued on, passing the last of the great pillars that lined the route to the Senate, and stepped out finally into the vast, roof-less plaza that was to be the stage for tonight's 'debate'.
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This starts out sounding like something out of a travel guide <g>, and the first sentence is not intrinsically interesting, as it's pure description and no story. The paragraph is also weighted down with unnecesary adjectives, particularly the second sentence. Not sure what is meant by "dreg-worthy," though I rather like it anyway. If you're going to open with description, make it fresh, intriguing description that draws us into the story. It should also be important to the setting or theme. Better yet, put Akrar on center stage and give us more about him. He sounds like a strong, interesting character.—AdminWell written, but not as much to grab me as some others. Fourth place, but since we only vote for three... sorry. - nlh
Not bad, but the grape-laden vine imagery could do with being made much stronger, e.g. heroic champions of legend all bearing an uncanny likeness to the Emperor, or similar trigger to set off the POV's fawning/hostile thoughts, otherwise it's hard to see where this comes from. -DP
Not a lot of comments here. I definitely have a "Roman" impression. The "dreg" doesn't really do it for me in that context, it seems a bit out of place. I like the quotes around debate, they give it a bit of an ominous feel. :) Third. —Dee-Ann
Again, unless it was a novel opening I'd have a problem carrying on. If, 'Akrar wanted to spit.' was the beginning, leading into the description, that might be a better hook. —KevinS
I like this character, and wish he weren't buried quite so much in the description of the scene. I'd move "Akrar wanted to spit," closer to the beginning, and cut the description by half, focusing on the elements that elicit Akrar's response, e.g. "more fruit than was currently available in the Empire,"—then move right into his stepping into the plaza in preparation for the debate. As for editing — instead of "stepped walkway"..."culminating," you could say "walkway"..."rose" (which implies that it was stepped). Also, I believe a plaza is, by definition, "roofless," and you probably can take out the gently reaching nymphs, since they don't seem to fit Akrar's rather cynical perception of the scene anyway. Just a few thoughts. <g>—SEW
Untitled #1—I like this. I especially like the way the POVC's attitude is presented. Well done. Breezes through the first pass. Easily makes the second pass as well, though I'm not sure about the hyphen between roof and less or the placement of the last period. Probably just a cross-pond thing. Finishes first. -Josh
This has definite promise. Character, setting, and a hint of conflict to come all established quickly and concisely. Though again it seems like the structure could be better. I would get the protagonist mentioned earlier, perhaps describing the arch as he passes through it.-JW
Drop the 1st clause of the second sentence and rewrite it. We can find out through Akrar's reaction about the famine. I hope that is his topic at the debate. Lynn
Nicely done. The background is sketched in without problems, albeit for a classical Greek clone civilization, but the implicit cynicism we detect from Akrar saves this from being overly twee. My first place for the month. DG
No comment-Kathi
Setting's good but that's all there is besides one second's reaction to it. SG
Attention to the craftsman distracted me. Akrar is disgusted by the opulence, but the words used don't set up enough negative connotations to jive with Akrar's reaction. And what does the craftsman have to do with the debate? Just too meandering for my taste and I'd likely not read on. There's great potential, but this piece needs some tightening to focus on one thing for the reader. I think this paragraph is just trying to do too much too fast. Sorry. (BJ)
Piece of Work - David Gillon
'What a piece of work is man!' The Bard said it half a millennium ago and now here I am, proof of the pudding. Required, designed, developed, manufactured, born.
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A great opening paragraph. Concise but intriguing. I would definitely want to see more of this. —AdminI would probably read a bit more, to see where this is going, but sorry, no vote. - nlh
Carries the promise of ironic amusement, and a different POVC. FIRST.
-DPWell, that definitely gets my attention. :) I honestly don't have much else to say on this one, it makes me wonder whether we're talking genetic engineering or intelligent machine, especially with the reference to "man". He/She/It considers himself a man then? Second. —Dee-Ann
Yep, instant happiness. Interest engaged, desire to read on. Second—KevinS
Definitely gets the brevity award <g>. This is one of the few instances in which I would have liked a few more words. "Required, designed, developed, manufactured, born" is intriguing, but a bit too cold and oblique to pull a reader in, IMO. If you had taken one or two of those verbs and personalized them—so that we have an inkling of how they relate to the character, it would have been stronger, IMO. The distant tone of the last sentence seems a bit out-of-place, as well, because the opening is fairly conversational, even to the use of a reference to Shakespeare, and a cliché that's humorous (when applied to a sentient being) - "proof of the pudding." There's definitely potential here; but you seem to have two narrative tones going on here—and you need to make a choice, IMO. - SEW
Piece of Work—The last sentence is the saving grace of this one. Makes first pass. And hangs in through the second pass as well. Takes an honorable mention. -Josh
Vaguely interesting, but I need more information. I would read on, but it would be specifically to find out what the story is about, rather than because of the hook in the opening paragraph. It does the job of getting me to read on I suppose, but not for the 'right' reason, hence no vote.—SA
Another promising one. Short, simple, an interesting twist on a well-known quotation, done in a cynically humorous tone and with a suggestion of conflict to come. (Why do I keep thinking this was Derek's entry?)-JW
Well it's a little short for me but I'd continue to read just to see if it got better. Lynn
Mine. Opening with Shakespeare possibly counts as cheating :) DG
Sorry, but this one was a "just because I like it" reaction. <G> It's a good hook. Third. Kathi
The Bard? Manufactured AND Born? SG
Loved it. Tight and powerful. FIRST. (BJ)
Breathe Revenge - Nancy Hecht
Wind gusted through the campsite, kicking up dried leaves and throwing them across the clearing. Deswin watched the spectacle, his thoughts on the small town, his town, now in ruins from the raid. The dying fire and half-eaten rabbit reminded him of the horrors he had discovered upon returning home. His hands, busy braiding a new rope, were still covered in dirt, soot, and blood.
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Potential to build drama here, but it's diluted by sentence order and lack of emotion. Make the last sentence (or some variant of it) your first. It's much more interesting than wind and leaves: "Deswin braided a new rope with hands still covered in dirt, soot, and blood." This immediately makes us want to know why his hands are bloody (and for that matter, why he's braiding a new rope), so we're much more likely to move on to the next sentence. Your current first sentence didn't pose any question at all. —AdminMine, so brilliant, I'm sure. - nlh
Not bad, just lacked that tiny bit of "personal" angle that might have earned a vote, e.g. "his hands shaking with emotion", "his vision blurred with tears", "his throat so choked with rage that he could hardly breathe" or similar. -DP
I'm not sure that flying leaves really qualify as a spectacle. Also, be careful about referring to body parts like they're not really attached ... his hands are a part of him. Other than that this you've set a "nice" desolate, bleak tone here. —Dee-Ann
Familiarity with this type of storyline doesn't instill any interest. I tend to see it more as filler, now, giving a reason for what and who the character is. Later in the story after he has hacked, slain, mutilated and tortured those responsible for destroying his village, I'd be happy to see this excerpt. But, not as a beginning to it. —KevinS
Engaging paragraph. Effective use of action verbs to energize the description; I could feel and hear the wind and its power. I liked the way you placed the MC in the scene early on, and spelled out his feelings about it. Great use of the dying fire and half-eaten rabbit as a metaphor—and a special hurrah for "showing" his mood through the very specific action of braiding a rope, with hands "still covered in dirt, soot and blood." The only nit I have is with the word "spectacle" — somehow, I see something more circus-like, more filled with people — although this scene may represent the aftermath of an horrific spectacle. 2nd Place, IMO. -SEW
Breathe Revenge—Too many images for my tastes. Consider sticking with one and using it to develop the POVC's state of mind. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
The writing is fine, but there isn't much drama here. The fire and rabbit image detracted from the horror the author mentioned, as it just made me think of warmth and an evening meal. I would read on a little to see if something happens to draw me in. - SA
There seems to be a good idea here, but somewhere between idea and execution it gets lost. I'm not sure why, or how it could be improved.
I only know this one, phrased this way, doesn't work for me.-JWPity we don't give credit for a 4th place. I really like this I think it is well written but it just misses. If I hadn't enjoyed Overtures so much... Lynn
It's unclear from this whether the raid is something he had just discovered, or if he is remembering over a period of several days, or even several years. The state of his hands argues for recent, but if you've just gutted and cooked a rabbit over an open flame they're going to look like that anyway. This needs reworking to establish a clearer time frame. DG
No comment-Kathi
Honorable Mention: Good opening paragraph and want to see more. SG
I would rather see things through his eyes. It's too passive for him to think of "his hands" in that way—it distances him. he is covered in soot and blood. Sorry. (BJ)
Untitled #2 - Lynn Fernandez
Angelina chatted with a group of women gathered in the courtyard. She listened enough to know when to nod or smile but she kept watching the castle-gate for Marcus. She moved away from them as he slowly rode into the courtyard on an unremarkable bay horse. Wearing a brown cloak and no sword, he was also unremarkable. The guards ignored him.
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The opening sentence lacks tension and gives us nothing to wonder about. Also, it's "telling"; we don't hear or see the chatting, so we don't feel involved. Consider moving the last two or three sentences to the beginning. That might intrigue the reader through Marcus, the unremarkable man who is probably anything but, and through Angelina herself, by way of her thoughts, observations, and emotions regarding Marcus. "A man rode into the courtyard on an unremarkable bay horse. Wearing a brown cloak and no sword, he was also unremarkable. The guards ignored him, but Angelina..." You fill it in. What does Angelina think and feel about him? —AdminI'm intrigued. Third place. - nlh
This one had a rushed feel about it which I didn't like, as if the couple of sentences that should have established the setting and Angelina's trepidation were missing. -DP
No hyphen needed for castle gate. With the unremarkable comment I get the feeling they're up to something. I'd like to know whether Angelina belongs there or not ... but that could be a second paragraph thing. :) —Dee-Ann
As word count isn't a problem this time, could play with, 'she listened enough...' A smoother read might be, 'only gave enough attention\concentration...' to re-inforce the purpose of her loitering. Because of the impression that someone is up to no good would read on. —KevinS
I think you're on the edge of a good opening paragraph here—but it needs to be tightened, with more dynamic verbs, to heighten the feeling of suspense that I think you intended. First of all, Angelina simply doesn't seem nervous enough <g>. Also, I think that you might be able to intensify the situation if Marcus and his horse were not quite so unremarkable <g>. If Marcus is the hero—he probably will have some presence that will prevent him from being anonymous, e.g. "Wearing a brown cloak and no sword, he could have been any peasant, but for..." (anyway, I think you get the picture). And if the guards ignore him, that's that—case closed, why read on? <g>. But if one of them stops him at the last minute, just when you think Marcus is going to slip through undiscovered....<g>. Anyway, this is your story, not mine, but I think there needs to be more of a sense of danger, impending disaster, what's at stake, etc., for this to work best.—SEW
Untitled #2—Interesting and understated. I'd keep reading. Makes first pass. Makes second pass as well. Finishes 3rd. -Josh
Needs a comma after "...nod or smile". This is another opening that can be helped by including a little more information to help fill out the scene. I'd read on a little to see what happens. - SA
Somewhat slow and pedestrian, but it shows enough promise that I'd keep reading. The main problem again is in the last line. It would work better IMHO if his description was linked back to the horse, something like "Wearing a plain brown cloak and no sword, he was equally unremarkable."-JW
Well it's mine. What can I say. I'm sure it will be as ignored as Marcus was. And I think I unfortunately gave critters fodder to throw at me by refering to ignored in the last sentence. <grin> Lynn
Someone unremarkably waiting for an unremarkable character to turn up in his unremarkable way. This is competent enough, but it isn't going to grab anyone by the throat and say 'read me!' DG
No comment-Kathi
First Place: Good basic intro of two main characters, setting and beginning of plot. SG
Made me want to see this unremarkable Marcus. <G> THIRD. (BJ)
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