June 2002 Best Openings Contest Results
1st 2nd 3rd Vote Total "Doppelganger" by Derek Paterson: 12 2 1 3 18 "The Scout" by Susan Wing: 6 4 2 3 15 "The Epicure" by Josh Langston: 3 4 2 3 12 "The Battle of Ward 37" by Jeff Corkern: 3 0 3 3 9 "An Unexpected Visitor" by Wayne Sowry: 0 6 0 3 9 "A Sense of Justice" by Dee-Ann Latona: 3 0 2 3 8 "Golden Goose" by Barb Galler-Smith: 0 4 0 3 7 "Squatter's Rights" by Bill Allan: 3 0 0 3 6 Phyllis Davis (voted only), 3 3 Sophia Ahmed (voted only), 3 3Index Golden Goose by Barb Galler-Smith
A Sense of Justice by Dee-Ann Latona
The Battle of Ward 37 by Jeff Corkern
Doppelganger by Derek Paterson
The Scout by Susan Wing
An Unexpected Visitor by Wayne Sowry
The Epicure by Josh Langston
Squatter's Rights by Bill Allan
Golden Goose by Barb Galler-Smith
At every turn the ghosts of my past haunt me, and it annoys the hell out of me. The first one, Seattle Sam, the meanest lowest-down card-shark ever to cruise for fresh blood on the Lower East Side, deserved killing. In Texas I might have walked away from the jail time, but not in Connecticut. Now Sam, as always, dogged behind me like the shark he was, making sure I don't miss any chance to take a penny from some innocent mark. And since my Conversion, I hate that.
§ Admin: Great opening sentence. The second half rescues a cliché by offering an unexpectedly wry twist. However, the rest introduces a confusing trail of apparent non-sequitars. Can't tell if the MC is actually in jail or not. The Texas/Connecticut comparison is distracting and probably irrelevant for this paragraph. Also, the tense shifts from past to present in the middle of the second-to-last sentence.
This one started out promising, but lost me at the second half of the first sentence. I think the expression "annoys the hell out of" clashes with the style of the first half of the sentence, completely ruining the mood it was starting to set up. I had a problem with the expression "meanest lowest-down" and the repetition of calling Sam a shark. There's also a problem with tense. It starts off in present tense, switches to past tense, and then ends back in present tense. -WS
There's something missing for me here. Perhaps it's a bit too confusing. Is the speaker in jail? on death row? on probation? Why doesn't the speaker ignore the ghost, as annoying as he is, rather than giving in and ripping people off? And how are they getting away with it in jail if that's where they are without getting their butt kicked. ;) I suppose what clinches it for me is that the POV character hasn't really Converted and is using the ghost as an excuse for bad behavior. -DL
Mine. (BJ)
I like the opening line, but the rest of the graf doesn't do much for me. The verb tense problem in the penultimate sentence drags it down.
Sorry, no vote. -JoshThe first sentence would keep me reading - sense of inherent conflict plus distinct narrator tone of voice. The rest of the paragraph does follow up on both of these elements, but the wording, IMO, is a little awkward or confusing in places, e.g. I keep wanting to change "don't" to "didn't", the last sentence throws a whole new idea into an already-full paragraph, and what does the Lower East Side have to do with Connecticut? <g> But I like your MC somehow, and that goes a long way, IMO. 2nd place —- SEW
A familiar IMPex or 7-in-7 topic included word for word in the first sentence failed to promise any imaginative fireworks. Second sentence suggests the 1st person POVC killed Seattle Sam's ghost? Hmm, I'm going to pass on this one. -DP
Information overload! It might be the start of an interesting story, but I think If I saw the words at the start of a story, I probably wouldn't read any more. PD
The first sentence didn't inspire—two choppy phrases both ending in "me." And I found the rest of the opening unrevealing as to conflict, setting, even genre. Bill
Almost. I would re-word. At every turn, the ghosts of my pasts haunt me. It annoys the hell out of me. Needs a better-defined sense of location. Where are we? You mention jail, and it creates the impression we are in a jail-but then we're not. Jeff Corkern
The Texas reference confused me; if anything, I'd expect a harsher sentence there than anywhere else, but that may just be down to my ignorance. This began well, but I lost interest at the last line. Should be "dogs" not "dogged" in the penultimate sentence, to keep the tense consistent, and "card(-)sharp", not "card-shark." The repeated use of "shark" here is boring anyway; something that gives us further description would work better in the second instance. SECOND - SA
A Sense of Justice by Dee-Ann Latona
If I'd had any sense, I would have turned back to the music and the revelers. When my breath caught in my throat at the sight of him walking, alone in the dark with that lazy, uneven stride, I should have slipped back to my Lord's festivities and put on my most stoic, disapproving gaze.
§ Admin: After having looked at this a few times, I think the second sentence is actually stronger, particularly if you start it more actively: "My breath caught in my throat [this expression is a bit overused; try something fresher?] at the sight of him walking alone in the dark, with that lazy, uneven stride. [excellent visual. Makes me wonder who he is and why he limps.]. If I'd had any sense, I would have turned back to the music and revelers." The phrase "stoic, disapproving gaze" seems out of place in its present position. Obviously, the MC is intending to be disapproving of the man, but once he/she rejoins the festivities, isn't he/she going to look odd with such a grumpy expression? <g>
I quite like this, even if it does sound like a romance <g>. The first sentence makes me want to know what stupid thing she (or possibly he at that point) has done. Nice description of him walking too. I'm not sure why she thinks she should have put on a disapproving gaze though. Disapproving of what? She'd be in the party and he'd be outside in the dark somewhere. First place. -WS
I dunno, Dee, I think maybe you did the overly complex sentence thing again. At least you didn't torture them with the previous version! -Me
Passive voice lost me right away. Sorry. (BJ)
This one offers a question which might be tantalizing to some, but unfortunately, it didn't do much for me. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
First sentence would keep me reading, partly because it was the opposite of what I might have expected. The rest of the paragraph does expand upon the opener; that is its strength. I get a sense of the MC's conflict, and an inkling of another character's personality. Overall, though, the paragraph seems to lack energy somehow. I wish I could put my finger on it. Almost there, IMO. 3rd place —- SEW
Didn't repel me, but didn't call out to me either. -DP
There seems to be a disagreement between the first and second sentences. Why would there be >>music and revelers<< and then a >>most stoic, and disapproving gaze<< in the second? This isn't the sort of opening I be apt to read in the first place. I don't generally like to read stories based on religion. PD
Not bad, but not enough hook either. Bill
"My Lord" should have a name. In particular, so should "him". In fact, the detail in general should be more specific. What party? Why is the party happening? Where is the party? There's a hint of psychological complexity here, though, that is compelling. Third Place. Jeff Corkern
Not much of a reaction to this. By the end, I was left wanting some solid hint of setting. - SA
The Battle of Ward 37 by Jeff Corkern
A death in combat is the only honorable death.
The hospital toilet is solid steel and cold as Arctic ice. The new orderly plucks me out of my wheelchair and settles me on it as I raise my robe. Goose-bumps rise on my legs as they touch the chill metal, but I refuse to say a word.
§ Admin: I think the first sentence either needs eliminating or expanding. "A death in combat in the only honorable death, but..." . I don't know what goes there <g>, but something needs to. It's obviously a statement of theme, but it sounds just a little too pat and familiar. And the jump to the second sentence is bit breathtaking. Otherwise, well-written. The simile "cold as Arctic ice" gives a fresh, sharp edge to the worn-out "cold as ice."
The opening sentence makes a fairly well-worn statement that seems to have no bearing on the subsequent text - a bit like: "Sex! Now that I have your attention..." The rest of the paragraph describes someone sitting on a cold toilet, which is not exactly the stuff epics are made of. I think the paragraph needs more, to somehow give the opening statement relevance and to explain what's important about someone sitting on a toilet. I have some concerns about it being in present tense, but the extract is too short to get a real feel for it. -WS
I really hate it that the opening sentence makes me think of Klingons. But that's not your fault. This is a bit too distant for me, and a little out of order. Does your POV character know that the toilet is always like this? If so, they should be dreading it though perhaps working not to show that dread, and if not then the second sentence is out of order. -DL
Makes first cut. Well written, though I reserve judgement on the topic—one that normally doesn't interest me. THIRD. (BJ)
The opening line certainly smacks of profundity; I just don't happen to agree with it. The balance of the graf suggests a story I think I've already read. Still, the writing is solid, but it's going to have to differentiate itself from the pack (of soured and wounded soldier stories) pretty soon. Third. -Josh
The first sentence is the weak link here, IMO. The rest of the paragraph was pretty interesting, actually, and might have kept me reading, if I hadn't been thrown in another direction by the opening sentence. (BTW, I think it's very difficult to move from an omniscient-sounding first sentence into a more personal paragraph—and here, IMO, there wasn't any transition.) FWIW, this paragraph's not bad if you bag the first sentence and lead in with sentence #2 <g>.—-SEW
A lot gets conveyed here, but 1st sentence caused me to wrinkle my nose, while 2nd paragraph filled me with dismal thoughts. No thanks. -DP
If this were in a magazine I had picked up I'd have read the first sentence, period. PD
Somewhat intriguing. I'll give you one more graph. <g> First Place Bill
Another one of Jeff Corkern's patented burned-out ex-soldiers. Jeff Corkern
No problem with the writing. Hated the first sentence. The second would have made a much better opening, for me. The POVC refusing to say a word left me wondering why, but in an annoyed way, rather than a curious, drawn into the story way. I would want to see a fantasy/SF element very soon. THIRD - SA
The Scout by Susan Wing
The moment Kesek looked in the glass, he knew he'd picked the wrong body. His new carapace was pale and unimpressive, and the two fleshy masses protruding from the front of the upper segment were bound to give him trouble in close combat. He ventured a few quick pokes at his midsection and watched in horror as each time, the spongy pinkness yielded and turned white at his touch.
§ Admin: Two thumbs up and a handful of gold stars. It's vivid, it promises humor, and we get a feel for the character, too. Might be even more effective if the first sentence was in a paragraph by itself.
I thought the opening sentence was quite good but then despaired as soon as I saw the "two fleshy masses" mentioned, immediately thinking of another man-in-a-woman's-body-exploring-himself story. I think Heinlein's "I Will Fear No Evil" pretty much did that one to death. The paragraph doesn't make it clear whether the body is of a human female or not, but it does sound like it, despite the "carapace", which is a hard shell. I'm also confused about Kesek, as it seems he's not even familiar with what the body looks like. He mentions close combat, which implies he's used to having a body of some sort, but now he's in a place where he's just acquired a body he's not familiar with. I can't imagine someone who sees close combat would survive long jumping into any old unsuitable body. -WS
First sentence is a definite attention grabber, and I found myself enjoying trying to determine if this is a human body or not. Drew me right in. First place. -DL
First cut. Funny and well-executed. I had to read it twice before I thought Kesek was in humanoid forum. The whole thing intrigued me. FIRST (BJ)
There's nothing wrong with the writing here; I'm just not inclined to read a first person bug story. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
This is what happens when you dont do a bit of exploring before you leap into some strange carapace. Amusing after a fashion, but I probably wouldn't read on. Third. PD
Mine. —-SEW
Ark ark, "alien in human body" situation comedy. Been done before, often, but that's not to say the opening sentence & paragraph don't evoke some interest. THIRD. -DP
Clever, offbeat opening, which would probably provoke a scan of the rest of the first page. Second Place. Bill
Perfect First Sentence. The type of body he's in needs to be precisely defined. IOW, more precise detail is needed. You're doing it the right way, your protag just needs to be a little more specific. Does he look like a lobster? A cockroach? An ant? No comma after "time". Second Place. Jeff Corkern
Smoothly written, but it spends too much time on the POVC's reaction to his body. We know from the first line it's human, so move on. - SA
Doppelganger by Derek Paterson
a.k.a. "Doppelganger: The Evil Within"Darkness had fallen and the lights-out bell had sounded when the boy, Rajah Mawk, was summoned to the inner sanctum of Monark Church's Father Superior, Dayahad.
A limping priest-soldier wearing the blood red robes of Holy Church's military arm escorted him through the maze of silent corridors. Rajah had plenty of time to consider why he might warrant such unasked-for attention. The rules here were strict, but he had broken none that he knew of. Yet the Father Superior wanted to see him. That could only mean trouble, of the worst kind.
§ Admin: Excellent start, except that the first sentence is overloaded with proper nouns. End it with "sanctum." You don't really need the rest—not right there, anyway.
Overall I thought this one was quite good, but did have a few problems with it. I stumbled over "Monark Church's Father Superior", which is a bit of a mouthful, and thought "the blood red robes" would read better without "blood". "Blood red" seems a bit cliched, as does a maze of corridors. I also think the final sentence would be be stronger if it ended at the word "trouble". It generated enough interest though that I'd want to read on. Third place. -WS
The first sentence here isn't all that interesting. It's too expository, too "let's get all of our setting, names, and characters in place." I think the seeds for your opening sentence/paragraph are in the second paragraph. If you recombined things you could have something that draws the reader in more, like "Rajah recited the rules in his head as he followed the priest-soldier, but he could think of none that he had broken." and so on -DL
Passive start but interesting situation. I found myself wanting to start with the second graf and rework it to speed the pace. i.e..... A lame priest, draped in the blood red robes of Holy Church's military arm, escorted Rajah Mawk through the maze of silent, post-curfew dimmed corridors. If Father Superior wanted to see him, it could only mean the worst kind of trouble. Makes first cut. SECOND (BJ)
A bit heavy on titles in the opening sentence, though I understand why.
Makes first pass. Finishes first. -JoshI think this could be an intriguing situation, but it gets lost in the wording. Too much exposition up front, IMO, e.g. use either "the boy" or "Rajah Mawk" and say just "the Father Superior" (do we need to know immediately what his name is or the fact that he's the big guy at the Monark Church?) FWIW, I'm not sure that the time frame is important at all—which is why I think that sentence #1 is fairly weak. Perhaps you could drop the first sentence entirely and lead on from there, replacing "escorted him" with "escorted Rajah Mawk." The next sentence could begin with "The boy" (to avoid repeating "Rajah") and, later, you could replace "here" with "at the Monark Church." - SEW
Mine. Taken from an almost-novel written many years ago. I always did mean to finish it. -DP
I liked this entry and if it were in a magazine that I'd picked up I would read on. Aside from unusual names and titles I found nothing seriously wrong. First. PD
The prose imparts the feeling that I'm in the hands of a competent writer, but I'm afraid the story hasn't grabbed me yet. Bill
Nothing whatsoever wrong with this-except for the POV shift. First para/sentence is omniscient, second para is third person limited. First Place. Jeff Corkern
Liked this, apart from the unnecessary, "Yet the Father Superior wanted to see him" line. The first sentence would work better as part of the next paragraph, rather than separate from it, as both are dealing with the same thing. FIRST - SA
An Unexpected Visitor by Wayne Sowry
The grip of the laser pistol felt comforting in Nylian's hand as he flattened himself against the wall and listened to the soft scrapes and bumps emanating from the adjacent room. It was not the first time he'd had unexpected guests at three o'clock in the morning, but they were not usually as clumsy as the person now rifling through the drawers of his desk. Nylian's training, which had made him the most sought-after assassin in the realm, told him that the intruder was alone. At the gentle slap of a drawer hitting home, he lunged through the door, gun poised—and stopped. Despite the hooded traveller's cloak, Nylian had immediately recognised the person who'd spun to face him: Ophelia Morellon; Princess Ophelia, daughter of King Tyndal, heir to the throne of Akhteton. The holoprints he'd been studying for his next assignment didn't come close to doing her justice.
§ Admin: The second sentence is the real opener. It has far more impact. Third sentence ("Nylian's training. . .") is blatant telling and this is the wrong place for it, IMO. Show us his competence and explain how he came by it later. Also, too much going on for one paragraph. Needs streamlining. So, my recommendation: Drop the first and third sentences, and punch up the ending: "he lunged through the door, laser ready, and nearly burnt a hole through the heir of the throne of Akheton." That's really all you need; you can identify her in the next paragraph.
Mine. I did wonder afterwards how he could see her so well in a hooded cloak at 3am, but I'm sure I could come up with a variety of possibilities <g>. -WS
The second sentence would make a more "grabs ya" kind of opening. I like the juxtaposition of the royalty issue with science fiction, it's fun to cross genres like that. How does his training tell him? What does he feel/sense? Let us feel what he feels, let us be him. You spend too much time telling us who he sees without giving us a reaction. How about "Despite the hooded traveller's cloak, Nylian had immediately recognised the person who'd spun to face him, and concluded that the holoprints he'd been studying for his next assignment didn't come close to doing her justice."? We don't need to know her name in the first paragraph, or who she is. But to find out that this highly trained assassin has been studying her for his assignment leads me to believe that the woman he's been preparing to go kill has instead broken into his apartment. Now that's interesting. ;) Second place. -DL
Just misses the mark. I think it calls for faster pacing in the narrative. Also, a bit too much narrative that's not relevant to the immediate conflict. e.g. A top pro assiassin wouldn't likely think of his pistol as comforting... it implies he's nervous. Sorry. (BJ)
Okay, I'll read on. Makes first pass. Finishes Second. -Josh
I like the first sentence, which might make me read on. The situation is interesting, and the conflict is intriguing, but I started buckling under the sheer weight of the paragraph <g>. This might have gotten votes from me in another month, as an entire opening scene—but for this month's specific BOC challenge <g>, I think the writer is trying to tell us too much too soon. - SEW
Okay, since we're specifically looking at the 1st sentence this month, I have to give this opening a vote. But truthfully, the fantasy realm setting details that follow did nothing for me. SECOND. -DP
Super heroes are fun sometimes, but this guy seems to have everything under control. How can he make a mistake? PD
Somehow, this action scene has been rendered static. Too many words? Too much info? <shrug> Bill
No feel of a First Sentence. Feels like the middle of the story. This is wordy. There's a lot of unnecessary info-dump that slows down the action. Boil it down to the essentials. Maybe start with action, something like this: "The gentle slap of the drawer in the next room hitting home woke Nylian the assassin instantly." Jeff Corkern
No problem with the writing. However, this reads very slowly for a situation that is supposed to be dramatic. Shorter, snappier sentences would work better. The word "unexpected" in the opening is distracting following so closely on from the title. - SA
The Epicure by Josh Langston
Cannibals? Detective Randal fought the urge to be sick as he surveyed the grisly remains of someone's picnic. He nudged at the debris with his foot and uncovered a bracelet—silver with jade scarabs—just like the one he'd given Sally on their anniversary.
§ Admin—Randall's cool assumption that the bracelet is a duplicate struck a wrong note. Whether or not the bracelet turns out to belong to his wife, I think he'd have an immediate, kicked-in-the-gut reaction when he finds it there, and we need to see that. Otherwise, a gripping opening.
Short, but quickly giving suspense with the mention of the wife's bracelet. Moves very quickly from the remains to focus on the bracelet though, losing most of the impact of the crime itself. Perhaps a little more description of the poking around in the debris might make me feel more disturbed, and thus more concerned about the detective's wife. Second place. -WS
I have multiple reactions to the opening statement. 1. a weird feeling like it'll be a hokey story, and I'm not sure where that comes from, 2. It does get my attention, 3. I'd actually drop it and start with the Detective trying not to be sick. That's a far more interesting opener to me. Then I'd have him looking in horror or something at some bone or other bit that is obviously human. The part with the bracelet is very grisly and you've got my full attention at that point. Third place. -DL
This one got a big emotional response from me. Pacing's good and IF I were even remotely tempted to read on past my distaste of dead wife stories, it makes the first cut. I gotta be honest, though. Were I an editor, I'd say well done, but this is not the sort of thing we're buying. Best of luck in finding a home for this story elsewhere and please send future material. But in the BOC, it makes the first cut. (BJ)
Mine own. Delivered with apologies. -Josh
Okay, I didn't know whether the writer was intending "Cannibals?" to be the first sentence or merely an unspoken thought that opens the first sentence. No matter. I think this works well in either case. Sense of character, a bit of action, suggestion of emotion-packed conflict. At first I wasn't sure whether that first word was necessary—but then it occurred to me that it's important to rule out more obvious carnivores, in order to set up the mood of the piece. IMO, both sentence and paragraph do what they're supposed to do. 1st place - SEW
Only just missed a vote, although I couldn't help but think that mounting suspicion and gradual horrified realization would benefit this scenerio, instead of jumping right in with the detective POVC's suspicions already formed. -DP
Grisly picnics are the worst sort. I like the description of the bracelet. Second. PD
Well, it ain't subtle, but lovers of long pig tales may linger. <g> Third Place. Bill
Good First Sentence. It works until "just like the one he'd given Sally-". Not having Randal realize right off it's Sally (or at least suspect it) makes Randal out to be a -really- dim bulb. Jeff Corkern
No problem with the writing. However, this reads as if it is taken from the middle of a story, and so doesn't work as an opening for me. - SA
Squatter's Rights by Bill Allan
Though Marta couldn't see Emma's body, she knew her sister was dead, and yet all she could feel at this moment was pure terror.
The monstrous warrior drone had sniffed Emma out, pulled her from the root cellar by an ankle and then whipped her savagely against a tree trunk. Now it stalked Marta, its powerful upper body bent low, it's snout close to the ground, and a foot-long knife clutched in one humanoid hand. She inched backwards on her belly, away from the creek bank and into the current, the icy water no colder than her blood.
§ Admin: In many ways an excellent opening, but it needs fine-tuning. Drop the second half of first sentence. It's telling, and dilutes the impact. Also, a brief image of Emma's body might be more effective than backtracking to say how she died. The ending phrase is evocative.
This one just doesn't seem to invoke anything in me. I'm already confused in the first sentence. Marta knows her sister is dead "and yet" she feels terror? Is knowing her sister is dead somehow supposed to be comforting? The "monstrous warrier drone" doesn't give me an image of anything. Okay, monstrous means big, but what's a drone look like - a warrior drone in particular? I don't find out anything about it until after I'm told what it's done to Emma. The whole description of the drone relies too heavily on adjectives: the "monstrous" drone, its "powerful" upper body, its "humanoid" hand. Who's going to notice or care what its hand looks like anyway, when its coming at you with a foot long knife? The adverb "savagely" is redundant, as it's implied by "whipped". I found the last sentence a little confusing as well. Inching backwards on her belly implies to me being on land, yet she went "away" from the creek bank "into" the current. Isn't a creek bank at the very edge of the water? -WS
How does she know her sister is dead? What sense is telling her that? Did she hear something nasty? Does she have special senses? Has it been a slow death and her sister has simply just stopped talking? Or, with another approach, start with, "Her sister was dead, but all she could feel was pure terror." Or, another approach, drop that first sentence all together. The second paragraph is pure adrenaline. I really like that last phrase, "icy water no colder than her blood." -DL
Scary. Makes first cut. The emotional aspect overrides any nit picks.
Drop last clause in the first sentece. That's powerful enough all by itself without added the feeing of terror. (BJ)The misuse of it's for its and the awkward wording of the last sentence hurt this one. I'm also thinking the names Emma and Marta are too similar. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
I felt a little lost here—although there's obviously a lot of danger and emotion. I think it's because the first sentence doesn't really contribute much, and therefore doesn't set us up for the rest of the paragraph. I honestly think you could drop the first sentence, and end up with a much more powerful paragraph. I did like the rhythm the writer set up in the sentences that begin "The monstrous warrior drone..." and "Now it stalked Marta..." - SEW
Simple, effective opening sentence. The rest carries an annoying weight of hindsight, when seeing Emma's death live would probably have been far more effective in building up tension and horror, but the 1st sentence earns this opening a FIRST vote. -DP
If the enemy found her sister and killed her what good will backing away do? Is he suddenly going to lose his sense of smell? Nothing else will save her. PD
Edgar Rice Burroughs meets Louis Dearborn L'Amour? If I figure it out, I'll finish it. Bill
First Sentence is too long. Short, sweet, and savage is better for getting the effect you want. "Though Marta couldn't see Emma's body, she knew her sister was dead." "Warrior drone" is unclear. Is this fantasy or SF? Define what it is more precisely so we'll know. Location is also unclear. "Root cellar" and "creek" need more supporting detail. Jeff Corkern
Good imagery, but I need more information. This opening reads like it is taken from the middle of a story. Giving some hint of setting would help. - SA
Back to Index Quarterly total so far: Josh Langston, 29 Derek Paterson, 28 Susan Wing, 27 Dee-Ann Latona, 17 David Gillon, 15 Sophia Ahmed, 14 Sidney Gittler, 13 Barb Galler-Smith, 10 Lynn Fernandez, 9 Jeff Corkern, 9 Wayne Sowry, 9 Bill Allan, 6 Jon Woolf, 5 Nancy Hecht, 5 Phyllis Davis, 3 Kevin S., 3 Kathi S., 3Back to top
