July 2002 Best Openings Contest
It's a miracle I've even found time to post this, but it's borrowed time, so this will truly be short and sweet this month. (Everyone breathes a gusty sigh of relief, no doubt.)
Our third place winner this month, with 7 points, is "Untitled #2" by
Yay, Kathi!!! Congratulations! * Kathi S. *
Second place winner, with 14 points, is "After the Ball" by
Way to go, Susan!!! Excellent entry! * * Susan Wing * *
And the first place winner for the July BOC, with 17 points, is "27 Down" by
* * * Josh Langston * * *
Terrific job, Josh, and congratulations!
And condolences as well <g>, because that makes you our new quarterly winner and contest administrator, with 46 points total.
Second place in the quarterly race is Susan Wing, with 41 points. Third place is Derek Paterson, with 34 points. And an honorable mention goes to Dee-Ann Latona, with 23 points.
Here are the voting results for this month's contest:
Title Author 1st 2nd 3rd Voted Total 27 Down Josh Langston 9 2 3 3 17 After the Ball Susan Wing 9 2 3 14 Untitled #2 Kathi S. 3 1 3 7 Please Stand Derek Paterson 3 2 1 6 Long Weekend David Gillon 3 3 6 Lonely Hearts Bill Allan 2 1 3 6 Werewolves Dee-Ann Latona 2 1 3 6 Untitled #3 Lynn Fernandez 2 3 5 The Guardians Wayne Sowry 2 3 5 Nelan's Dream Phyllis Davis 3 3 Untitled #1 Sid Gittler 2 2And I gratefully resign...
Index Werewolves - Dee-Ann Latona
Lonely Hearts - Bill Allan
Untitled #1 - Sid Gittler
Untitled #2 - Kathi S.
After the Ball - Susan Wing
Nellan's Dream - Phyllis Davis
Please Stand By - Derek Paterson
The Guardians - Wayne Sowry
Long Weekend - David Gillon
Untitled #3 - Lynn Fernandez
27 Down - Josh Langston
Everything was all right as long as Bob didn't look at their faces. Werewolves - Dee-Ann Latona
He shared the sidewalk with a sea of pedestrians. They blended into a bright mass of winter jackets against snow turned gray by the city's grime. Gloved hands clutched briefcases against thighs while booted feet squelched through brownish slush.
His bag jerked as it bumped into someone, and he stumbled as that someone snarled and shoved him. He made a grunt he hoped passed as an apology, and pulled the bag closer against his stomach. Three quick left winks brought the map display up on his visor. Just ten more blocks. Three rights and a left, and he could be out of this bulky suit and stop having to breathe in his own carefully contained stench.
Someone dashed past him, but soon collided with another faceless member of the multitudes. Briefcases popped open, papers flying and dissipating in winter gusts. Teeth flashed. The crowd parted like a stream around a boulder as the two growled and circled each other.
"Third fight this morning." Bob moved with the flow as the combatants flung off their jackets and lunged. Claws tore through expensive suits like so much tissue paper.
Just as he passed the action, something flew past his face. A furry, pointed ear.
"Werewolves," muttered Bob.
"What was that?" said a woman's voice through his earpiece.
"Nothing." He didn't need another lecture about proper species identification. Sure, these critters didn't change form; they were always bipedal canids. And yeah, they had cities and technology and laws and writing.
To him, though, they were just werewolves in suits. Foul-smelling, foul-tempered dogs that probably sniffed each other's asses in the boardrooms and pissed all over their houses just like his parents' ratty old mutt.
§ Excellent. You have character, conflict and a hint of setting, and not a sluggish sentence in sight. This piece moves at a nice pace and the last paragraph turns the key. —Admin.
Mine. I actually don't hate it too much now that I read it here. That's new. ;) -DL
Could be interesting, but didn't leave me hanging out for more. No sign of anything much about to happen soon. - WJS
"Werewolves" - Excellent first sentence. Good subtlety, IMO, in revealing the situation; despite the title, you didn't hit us over the head with it—just a snarl or two. I was hooked in as soon as you mentioned the map display on the visor, and was ready for the pace to change with the fight. IOW, the "engine" (for me) might have been earlier than the stopping point you chose, but the story is intriguing, so I'm glad you kept going <g>. 2nd Place - SEW
This one just didn't do it for me. It came off as a bit confusing in my mind and I'm left with too many questions that aren't the type to prompt me to read on but the type that annoy me. This sentence really threw me—"Three quick left winks brought the map display up on his visor."—and I had to read it over several times to figure out what was going on. The idea has possibilities though. KS
No problems with this except the title, which could stand a change. Makes first pass. Finishes 2nd. Congrats! —Josh
3rd Place Interesting. Probably the only sentence I would change: "someone dashed past and collided with another faceless..." Characterization is good, the setting is good, the conflict is well stated.
LynnInteresting, some sort of covert mission in an old-fashioned monster-suit, and a character who is xenophobic enough to consider the aliens sub-humans. It takes a little while to realize quite what is going on, but that isn't a problem, it's a strength and nicely executed. Very narrowly misses out on a place, other entries appealed to me slightly more even if quality was roughly equal. DG
Admirably weird, but a couple of nits. The line containing ". . . having to breathe in his own carefully contained stench" made me think Bob was a werewolf too. And I think the paragraph "Just as he passed the action, something flew past his face. A furry, pointed ear." could be safely omitted. The dogfight in the previous paragraph has already set up the fact that these crowd members are creatures. Second Place.
BAThis is the sort of story that I really don't like. How in any world could such a bigoted person get on a team going to another world? While I don't like the story type, what has been written is well done. PD
Lonely Hearts - Bill Allan
The first time it came, I just wanted out of that room. I could feel the evil draw close and take her. Worse, I could sense it lingering to consider me in the dark. And that put ice in my gut.
The Edison Hotel is a 75-year-old landmark. It would probably qualify as an historical site if over recent years it hadn't turned into a flop house with a dingy bar and strip joint occupying the first floor. As it is, it's supported entirely by unencumbered souls like me. My room costs fifty dollars a week, and I spend about that much again at the bar on Friday and Saturday nights.
That's where I met Sandy. We were both having a quiet drink before the ten-o'clock show, and we ended up in a booth together. She was kind of cute, even half-bagged on Black Velvet and chain-smoking Virginia Slims.
About eleven-thirty, she looked me in the eyes and said, "I don't feel like going home tonight, Mark."
"Okay."
I reached over and put my fingers on hers, and I touched something painful inside her. Beneath the sexual tension and the guilty resignation lay a sick emptiness that I recognized, that later, in that hungry space above us, the thing would recognize.
"I don't even know you." She looked down.
"I think you do. I'm just like you."
New music blared. A woman called Angelina Flame strutted on stage and began her rendition of "My Heart Belongs to Daddy." I'd seen the act before. She had a surprisingly good voice, but her body was on the wrong side of forty for this kind of work. Every time she sang "my heart," she put her hand between her legs. It was kind of sad.
"I got a room upstairs," I said.
§ This is a bit too dark for my tastes, but you've done a good job building tension. I do wonder whether this character is one I'm going to want to spend time with, though. He's not in any way sympathetic or appealing. —Admin
Excellent opening sentence and paragraph. In this long sentence:
"Beneath the sexual tension and the guilty resignation lay a sick emptiness that I recognized, that later, in that hungry space above us, the thing would recognize."
I think that maybe it might work better to have "... recognized. That later, in that ..." or even a further edit. This doesn't quite work for me as one long sentence.
The description of Angelina Flame's act was interesting and vivid, and the way it's put gives us a good look at the protagonist. Second place. -DL
Sounds like a horror story more than SF/F, but reads smoothly and leaves me interested in the woman's fate. Third place. - WJS
"Lonely Hearts" - Good potential for suspense/horror in first paragraph, but not as strong as it could be, IMO. Phrases like "I just wanted out" and "lingering to consider me" are neither dynamic nor creepy, but somewhere in between. Also, is the room in the first paragraph the one that the MC is referring to in the last line? (I was confused here). You seem to have three threads going here: the lurking evil, the interaction between Mark and Sandy, and the atmospheric background of the Edison Hotel/Angelina Flame, etc. I wasn't sure where to direct my attention; maybe you need to focus a bit more, at least for the opening paragraph. (But I did like your description of the hotel; it has a lot of personality, IMO). - SEW
This was almost my #3 but it lacked one thing—a turn of the key. The first paragraph really pulled me in but it also might have given too much away. Since now I know, or can guess, what's going to happen next. KSReasonably well written but fails to disengage my credibility over the kinds of female customers who frequent strip clubs. I doubt I'd read further. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
Opening graf not scary enough. Lynn
This is pretty dark in tone and nicely illustrated as such without overdoing it. There's definitely a set up for something to happen up in that room, and just enough hints and suggestions for us to want to find out what it is. It's not the kind of story I usually like, but I feel compelled to make it my second place for the month. DG
My poor entry. BA
This opening doesn't seem to be going anywhere. There are two drunks one of whom seems to have been possessed. Where can it go? PD
Untitled #1 - Sid Gittler
It was a beautiful afternoon on one of the smaller Hawaiian Islands. Kennard leaned back on his lounge chair watching the young babes parade past him in their too small bikinis.
He knew why they were on this remote stretch of white beach. To try and impress the richest eighteen-year-old in the world. And Kennard didn't mind a bit as he tried to make his choice. It wasn't love on either side. He got company and the lucky girl got a rich lifestyle plus whatever gifts fell her way for however long Kennard decided to keep her around.
A new girl appeared, about his own age with shining red hair to complement his own strawberry blond shoulder length locks. The girl turned her head and smiled. Kennard smiled back and waved the girl over. The others drifted off till the next time.
Kennard heard steps coming across the beach from behind him. He pushed himself up in…
The vision vanished and Kennard was back in his room in the Alaskan log cabin he shared with his 'rents. He quickly slipped his sweat shorts on as he caught his breath.
There was a knock on the door and the knob twisted but this time he'd locked it.
§ I'm intrigued by the last sentence, but I dislike stories that begin with dreams for two reasons: 1) I feel cheated when I discover it isn't real, or 2) if it's immediately clear that a character is dreaming, then tension is lost, because dream events are not story events. Unless this dream is somehow crucial to the plot, you've just delayed starting your story by several unnecessary paragraphs. —Admin
The first time I read this opening paragraph I thought, "Hmm, not a big attention grabber." Then I thought about it again while reading a bit further, and thought that the "some Hawaiian island" was a telling trait of "our protagonist." Okay, that made it more interesting. And then when I reached the end, it definitely had my attention. Good going. :) -DL
I couldn't find anything much to care about in this one. A young guy has a nice dream and gets woken by someone trying to enter his room - perhaps just his mother coming to see if he wants breakfast. Nothing much exciting about that. - WJS
"Untitled #1" - I liked the twist at the end of this piece, and yes, this would be enough to keep me reading—if I'd made it that far. But, for me, the opening two paragraphs were not gripping enough to get me to that interesting last paragraph. Okay, a lot of SF/F readers are teenage males, so maybe they would relate better to the MC than I did, but I kept seeing him as a spoiled brat, not someone I'd care about. Perhaps it's just me, but I need to feel sympathetic or at least interested/neutral about the MC very early in the story. The last paragraph made me think there was something else going on with this kid, but again, I might not have read that far. - SEW
There really wasn't anything wrong with this piece. Writing was smooth, I stumbled over "he shared with his 'rents" as I have no clue what "'rents" are. It just didn't have enough to hook me. KS
Conventional wisdom says opening a story with a dream is the kiss of death. I'm inclined to agree. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
I liked it up until I realized what was really going on. Then I felt rather cheated. Lynn
Hmm, virtual reality for the sex-starved teen. I think I'm glad he was interrupted.... Not quite sure where this is going, there's too short a segment in real life to judge. DG
This one never really involved me. And I had a problem with Kennard describing the young babes swim wear as "too small bikinis." Are we in Kennard's POV, or that of the disapproving author? BA
This one is as bad as a dream sequence that isn't identified as such until near the end. It makes the reader feel cheated. It is well written, but inane. PD
Untitled #2 - Kathi S.
Of all the places Kobihn had ever wanted to be again, the bowels of the earth were bottom on his list. As he watched the dancing torchlight flicker across the rough-hewn stone walls he couldn't even recall why he had come back. His return broke a vow he had made to himself a lifetime before. Broke the vow and fulfilled a prophecy all in one fell swoop.
He hadn't been noticed yet, standing in the shadows beyond the ring of grey-robed practitioners. He could have easily turned and slipped away, disappearing as quietly as he had arrived. But something held him rooted in place. Something that thrummed through his veins with the rhythm of the drums and the fluid, timed movements of the priestess Driell.
Her eyes found him then. The practitioners opened up their circle and she drew him into the ring, slithered up to him, close enough to touch, though he dared not. Touching her during the ritual was forbidden, punishable by worse than death. Later, when it was finished, she would offer herself to him because of who he was. And, because of who he was, he would most likely accept the offering. He might even, if he felt generous, allow her to live.
§ Despite the cliched feel of the set-up (fantasy seems to abound with arcane rituals practiced by robed, menacing cultists), the build-up was just interesting enough to engage. But the last sentence was a turn-off; my feelings about the character changed from tentative sympathy to active dislike. The phrase "fell swoop" struck me as too colloquial and modern, and some of the phrasing sounds decidedly well worn. —Admin
The opening sentence is interesting, though "had ever wanted to be again" is awkward. I can see how you're a bit stuck there with the tenses and whatnot, though. The second sentence is also a bit awkward. Perhaps something more like "He watched the dancing torchlight flicker across the rough-hewn stone walls, and couldn't even recall why he had come back." Of course, that gives you a sentence in the same pattern as the first ... there's other approaches too. :)
I seem to have a problem with most of the sentences in the first paragraph. The third "His return broke a vow he had made to himself a lifetime before." maybe try "he'd made" instead? Makes it a bit less awkward.
I'm not sure whether the priestess Driell is supposed to be a woman's name or an interesting title ... if he vowed not to return a lifetime ago, wouldn't he notice changes in her if she's the same woman? Or notice a lack of change?
You've definitely got me in the last paragraph. What makes it particular intriguing is that he doesn't dare touch her now, but later he might kill her, and doesn't seem to fear any penalties for doing so. Third place. -DL
I like this one. It reads nicely and the final sentences leave me filled with questions that I want answered. Promises to be a good story. First place. - WJS
"Untitled #2" - The last sentence was intriguing and might have kept me reading—but the paragraphs leading up to it didn't hold my interest.
I like the idea of maintaining a bit of mystery in revealing the story, but I felt as if you gave me nothing concrete to work with in the opening, IOW, I was fumbling in the dark the entire time. You have suggested a whole bunch of heavy-duty revelations (what vow, what prophecy, what are the practicioners practicing, what's the "something" that's holding him in place, and who is the MC that he could kill her?), without revealing anything specific. This opening is just too much of a tease <g> IMO. Add a few specifics and the last sentence will have more power. - SEWMine. ;-0 KS
The last line of this opening completely threw me. Up until that point it made good headway. Perhaps this was an attempt at humor.
If so, it didn't work for this reader and only made me wonder why the author was stringing me along. Sorry, no vote. -JoshToo passive. Sentences too long. Lynn
Competently done, but it doesn't really do anything for me. There's a late twist in our perception of the protagonist, but it isn't enough to draw me in. This needs to grab the reader harder in the first three paragraphs, so that they reach the twist with a little more momentum. DG
I think what bothered me about this one was that it contained a lot of cliched language—"bowels of the earth," "broke the vow," "fulfilled a prophesy," "one fell swoop," "rooted in place," "worse than death." One or two of these might slip by unnoticed, but not all of them. BA
>> Something that thrummed through his veins with the rhythm of the drums and the fluid, timed movements of the priestess Driell.<<
Word seems to think despite all the words that this is only a fragment and not a sentence.
I found this one to be too much without being enough. I don't know what it is, maybe I've just been jaded by all the death and destruction that is the common ordinary everyday world we live in to be impressed with an almost threat in science fiction/fantasy stories. I am not impressed with the viewpoint character and Driell is even worse. PD
After the Ball - Susan Wing
Twenty years ago, the Prince left me. Just picked up his horses and his premature paunch and split for the Palace, leaving me with a couple of toddlers and a drafty mansion in the Valley. He said it was my feet. Well, thank you very much, I'd like to see him push out twins after thirty hours in labor and then try to fit into Size 6 glass slippers.
In many ways, it was good riddance. My home was spacious, and my servants were dependable. My lovers were consistently entertaining and undemanding. My sons had survived adolescence without resorting to drugs, vandalism or body piercing. And I had developed a modest reputation as an author of police procedurals.
The only thing I lacked was closure. Well, that's what my therapist calls it. It's when you've been waiting for twenty years to tell off that sonofab!tch but haven't gotten around to doing it.
This morning, I knew the waiting was over. I sat down with my coffee and paper, and there it was, a splashy front-page notice for the premiere of my ex's newest "art" film. I was eight months pregnant the first time I walked in on one of his auditions. She was young and blonde, and maybe I should have known that any guy who calls a big party a "ball" talks out of his pants, but it still hurt. I stirred in two spoons of sugar and planned my revenge.
Last I heard, my fairy godmother was working a salon in Beverly Hills, so I had my driver drop me at the corner of Wilshire and Doheny. Now all I had to do was track down a white-haired six-footer in a powder blue prom dress.
§ This promises to be great fun and I would love to keep reading. The time shifts are a bit confusing, though, particularly in the next to last paragraph. Using the past perfect ("I had been eight months pregnant. . .") would make the transition clearer. Also, it's a slightly jarring jump from this: "I stirred in two spoons of sugar and planned my revenge," which is one of the only immediate and specific visuals in the entire piece and which gives the impression that the camera is finally focusing on something; to this: "I had my driver drop me. . .", which was an unexpected visual leap. Try a slight rearrangment of sentences and see what you think:
(Start new paragraph here) I stirred in two spoons of sugar and planned my revenge. Last I heard, my fairy godmother was working a salon in Beverly Hills, so all I had to do was track down a white-haired six-footer in a powder blue prom dress.
(New paragraph or possible scene break) I had my driver drop me at the corner of Wilshire and Doheny. (and the action moves from there)—Admin
It's hard not to get a giggle out of the opening paragraph. :) Then with the second, you slowly slide us into the "real world" timewise, elegantly done. The fairy tale revenge but in the real world dance is great throughout. You've just stolen first place. -DL
Hard to judge this one. Sounds like the sort of whacky story that could be funny. It's up there, but doesn't make the top three. There's a small problem with time frame and tense. It starts off talking about twenty years ago then, in the second paragraph, suddenly jumps forward with the mention of entertaining lovers (unless they were there before the prince left), then jumps forward again using past perfect tense to talk about the sons surviving adolescence and her reputation. - WJS
"After the Ball" - mine - SEW.
This got my vote for Second Place. Partly for the chuckle factor and partly because it turned the key. I really can't find anything to nit about. I'd love to know where it's going and see that dastardly prince get his come-uppons. What I really want to do is meet the fairy godmother as I have some sneaking suspicions about her.... KS
I smiled all the way through it. Breezes through the first pass and takes first place. Well done. -Josh
I suddenly saw a double entendre in this title. This was okay but did not really feel original to me. Lynn
Great! This starts out seeming more fairytaleish than it turns out to be, but the idea of Prince Charming leaving Cinders with the kids in favour of a career in 'art' movies and her on a quest for closure is just too compelling to ignore. I think I may have missed a signpost or two along the way if 'the Palace' is meant to refer to somewhere specific, without that hint 'the Valley' is too generic to immediately cue you that this is LA/Hollywood. Make the early setting more distinctly Hollywood and I think that this could be really good. My first place for the month. DG
Maybe, if I were in the mood for comedy. BA
This one is mildly amusing! It 's well put together, but sounds like something that happened last week. There's no mystique. PD
Nellan's Dream - Phyllis Davis
In a gown of glimeral, the soft lustrous material that changed colors as she walked and breathed, Nellan looked like she was floating through a sea of ever changing shades of purple. Piled up on top of her head her long white hair looked like a shiny crown. A whole flock of golden screelin with wide spread wings, open beaks and talons set to grasp its prey was interlaced through her curls. She walked down a wide aisle covered with brilliant blue soft carpeting. Subliminally, she realized that even the air appeared to be blue. She felt deep satisfaction from knowing she walked in the Temple of Life where all weddings were performed.
Her beloved, Jaedee Instron, the youngest son of the Lodestar of Mandan watched her as she approached with an approving smile on his face. He was wearing a tunic and tights of purple glimeral and a jewel encrusted star pendant. The placement of the jewels told his ancestry through five generations.
In her dream, she identified the man who would marry them as her great grandfather. He wore his long white hair straight and combed back to the nape of the neck where he had fastened it with a narrow ribbon. Although he was white haired, his brown eyes sparkled with such a deep-seated joy of living that he didn't look much older than Jaedee. He was dressed in a tunic and tights of pale blue and he too wore a jewel encrusted star pendant that also told his ancestry through five generations.
That's ridiculous, she commented to herself in her dream, That man is the Lodestar of Darcy and I'm only a purchased slave in the Instron Fimbre. No matter what she told herself, she knew that the Lodestar of Darcy was indeed her great-grandfather.
§ Opening with a dream is not usually a good idea (see my comments on "Untitled 1"). The description lacks tension; in fact, it reads a bit like a fashion show. I think you would be better served starting the story with something happening. We need a compelling character and problem. —Admin
As I read the first paragraph, my first thought was that the costumers
had gone into overkill. By the end I understand why. :) This sentence: She felt deep satisfaction from knowing she walked in the Temple of Life where all weddings were performed.
Seems a bit cumbersome. It's the "where all ..." part I think ...
This sentence:
jewel encrusted star pendant that also told his ancestry through five generations
You've just used most of this phrasing earlier. I'd just end this at "ancestry."
This last sentence:
No matter what she told herself, she knew that the Lodestar of Darcy was indeed her great-grandfather.
Seems to lack punch somehow. No suggestions immediately come to ind. —DLI think this is slowed down too much by all the descriptions of what people look like and are wearing. There's a POV issue in the opening paragraph which I find a little off-putting: while it appears to be trying to establish us in Nellan's POV, the descriptions of what she looks like seem to be from the view of an outside observer, losing the feeling that we're inside her head. - WJS
The last sentence was an interesting twist that could lead to a good story —but the earlier paragraphs didn't build up to it, IMO. The first paragraph was a bit like the narration for a fantasy fashion show — well-done in that respect (okay, so where I can get some of that glimeral <g>?), but not a gripping first paragraph. I tried to read without reference to the title—so the fact that this was a dream comes too late in the opening, IMO. Some shuffling of the paragraphs would help; also, a bit more "showing." This is a very static opening — nice description, but it doesn't take off, IMO, until we get to the MC's recognition of her great-grandfather. - SEW
Doesn't grab me. I can't put my finger on why. First sentences are important when I read. They really need to suck me in and propel me and this one took two reads to get through so that was an immediate strike.
It also feels as if I'm reading a textbook—too much telling, perhaps? KSAnother dream-scene opening? See comments for Untitled #1. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
Too much description. The last sentence seems too abrupt. Lynn
Too many names (people and material both) thrown at me in the first paragraph to draw me in (and I can't take JD seriously as a name no matter how you spell it). This is a case where description does just fine on its own. It's impossible to tell from context whether she's in her dream thinking of the wedding, or at the wedding thinking of her dream, which is something of a problem for the reader. DG
Given the title, I probably shouldn't have been jarred by the realization that this narrative actually was Nellan's dream, but I was.
I'm afraid it didn't work for me for that reason. BAMine. PD
Please Stand By - Derek Paterson
Good morning, citizens. Please be seated, and link to your terminal. Identification is automatic; you need take no further action.
Will the candidate attempting to link to terminal 41 please insert his or her hand completely into the sensor tube to complete the circuit. Thank you.
For your reference, you hundred candidates are Candidate Group XF-5712. Please refer to this group code in any future communication with administrative personnel.
Please stand by.
The image that has appeared on your terminal screen is that of a Vaark assault trooper.
Those candidates who see a flashing red medical warning symbol in the upper right corner of their terminal screens should leave the room now, as your reaction to the sight of the Vaark assault trooper suggests you are unsuitable for military service. Do not worry about any mess; this will be cleaned up later by service robots.
Medical Team Alpha, please convey the candidate seated at Terminal 97 to the hospital wing immediately. If the candidate expires, reroute to Organ Reclamation.
You must select only one of the following options. Would you:
[1] Take the Vaark assault trooper home with you and introduce it to your family
[2] Discuss the political situation between Earth and the Vaark homeworld with a view to settling our differences via a peaceful solution
[3] Report the Vaark assault trooper's presence to the authorities
[4] Use any and all weapons at your disposal to attack and kill the Vaark assault trooper
§ I'm willing to assume that your MC is going to make an appearance possibly in the very next paragraph and so I would read on. But if this narrative style continued, I wouldn't turn the page. And as far as this month's specific assignment is concerned, I don't see a story starting here. Not yet, anyway. —Admin.
As much as I get a major chuckle out of this, it's a bit disembodying and feels almost stream of consciousness without a reference point. Could you refer to where the voice or text is coming from? You don't need to use a POV character for this. You can have a loudspeaker blaring over the room full of candidates, or whatever. —DL
I didn't find this very involving as no character is introduced. I can't easily get interested in unidentified people taking a test on a computer. This might work in the middle of a book, but I think at the start it needs someone that the reader can begin to associate with. WJS
"Please Stand By" - Excellent use of a single dialogue voice to depict an entire situation; you managed to "show" actions, results, and other characters through comment and announcement. Well done. I love the humor inherent in the matter-of-fact instructions to the candidates who are "unsuitable" and to the medical team. (The voice sounds very much like the robotic types who proctor standardized exams; the parallel is hysterically funny, IMO). I'm not sure that the piece ends at the "engine," exactly, but I think I'd already made the decision to keep reading, FWIW. - 3rd Place - SEW.
This is my First Place choice. The options at the end appealed to my funny bone, actually, the whole thing did. We're given a lot of information with just dialogue. Nicely put together. KS
Pleasant enough, but more like a joke than a story, most likely because it's not about people. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
2nd Place. This quirky piece intrigued me. I don't think I could stand a whole story written like this but I did enjoy it up to this point Lynn
Amusing and very competently done, and if it isn't Paterson I'll eat my hat. The only problem is I can't see a way to turn this into a story as it currently stands (which of course means he'll sell it inside a month just to prove me wrong!). DG
Another comedic effort. Fraid I'll have to pass on this one too. BA
Well that's one way to get into the military. I suppose the proper answer is to kill him, but I think it would be more interesting to take the Vaark trooper home and introduce him to your family. Might be an interesting way of getting rid of the family, or maybe the Vaark trooper. PD
The Guardians - Wayne Sowry
We are beholden to the esteemed Auraon,
from whose wisdom comes our future.
They guide us through the darkness,
and protect our mortal souls.
We honour them and rejoice.
Mehmud protect them.
The prayer floated above the congregation on a blanket of warm air, drifting through the open windows to dissipate in the midday heat. The Temple Of Morning Light was packed, as it always was for the Blessing Of The Auraon, and would likely remain so until the Feast of Giving later in the evening. It was a day for celebration.
Lenola was excited; one of the Auraon would be present at the feast. In all her twenty one years, she'd never seen any of the saviours. Ever since she was old enough to understand the teachings, she'd dreamt of becoming one of the Auraii - the Guardians' Apprentices: those select few chosen to study under the Auraon and learn the secrets of their technology. However, on a momentous occasion such as this, she wouldn't have a chance of getting near him.
She needed a plan.
The feast would take place as usual in the Great Meeting Hall, with important guests like the Auraon representative being seated at the head table on a dais to the rear. He would be accompanied by the protectorate's governor, his advisors and the head priests, and guarded by police carrying advanced Auraon weaponry. Lenola would be seated near the main entrance, separated from the revered visitor by the full length of the hall and a great many occupied tables.
What Lenola really needed was a miracle.
§ This might work better if you made it clearer just what's at stake for Lenola. As it stands, her dilemma is not especially compelling. I'd like to see her in action. Also, there's a little too much telling going on. For instance, instead of saying "Lenola was excited," show us her excitement. The final sentence has an omniscient, "telling" sound to it. Consider ditching it, or making a slight change by moving "She needed a plan" to the end of this excerpt, and rewriting to get us into her head:
Lenola would be seated near the main entrance, separated from the revered visitor by the full length of the hall and a great many occupied tables.
She needed a plan. More than a plan, she thought. A miracle. —Admin.My first impression while reading is 21 years is pretty old for seeking an apprenticeship. If this is a race that lives a long time, you might need to somehow work that factor in there before mentioning her age, or don't mention her age at all and just mention that she is a child, a "teen," or whatever. I have this same problem in my WIP. :) -DL
Mine. I'm not sure about the wisdom of starting with the prayer and of not introducing the character in the first paragraph. While I've seen it done, it doesn't appear to be that common in SF/F. - WJS
I think that the opening prayer is unnecessary, because it really doesn't add anything that you don't communicate in the first paragraph.
I did like the first sentence, and your description of the temple. I don't think you really get to the "engine." You've suggested what Lenola wants, but I don't quite understand how getting close to one of the Auraon (or is the plural Auraii—you use both) will improve her chances. Without this connection, the situation loses a lot of its impact, IMO. (Also, something needs to happen, I think, e.g. something that suggests that her "miracle" is at hand. Otherwise, there's too much "telling" here, IMO). - SEW.Again, here is one that I really couldn't find too much wrong but just didn't turn the key. I think we can do away with the ( . . . ) before the sentences. I'm not sure what those dots are there for but they are unnessecary. It has possibilities but, for my sake, it needs more energy. KS
It's got character, setting and conflict, and while it doesn't really do a whole lot for me, it makes the first pass. It also finishes 3rd. There's a lot to be said for getting the basics right. <S> —Josh
The writing didn't grab me. Too much telling. Lynn
What Lenola really needs is a more compelling introduction, I'm afraid. This just doesn't do it for me. Throw her in at the deep-end and fill in the back-story later. DG
Not bad, but not enough hook. I don't think the conflict here would compel me to read much further. Still—Third Place. BA
It would take a minor miracle to make this entry interesting. It is lacking in any real sense of direction. Or maybe it's just that her problem isn't or at any rate doesn't seem to have much importance. Why should I care if she gets to see the Auraon or not? You don't give me a reason that seems valid. Let alone needing a miracle to achieve it. PD
Long Weekend - David Gillon
Kings Cross Station was its usual bustling self as I stepped onto the platform. I turned to tug my bag after me, but a hand reached around me and lifted it easily down onto the platform.
"Hi, beautiful," the hand's owner said as he drew me into a kiss.
"Hi, yourself," I told him. "How did you find me?"
"I just looked for the prettiest woman on the platform and there you were."
I smiled in spite of myself.
"You," I told him, "are incorrigible."
Tom grinned, "We international supersleuths have a reputation to keep up."
Unfortunately the 'international supersleuth' line was technically true, so I couldn't use it against him.
"How are we getting to your place," I asked him, "Underground?"
"No," he said, "I brought the car, I left it parked in one of the disabled spaces just outside."
"You don't have an orange badge," I pointed out, "You'll get a ticket."
"You do," he answered reasonably.
"Yes, and it's on my car in York. And it still won't stop you getting a ticket."
"Maybe not, but the CD number plate might."
"It's hardly a good example for the US Embassy's Legal Affairs officer to go around ignoring parking tickets."
Tom shrugged, "So get a move on and maybe we can get to the car before I get ticketed."
"You were lucky!" I told him as we backed his ticketless car out of the space and pulled into London traffic.
"God smiles on the righteous," he told me primly.
"And the devil looks after his own. Hey, this isn't the way to your place!"
He looked sheepish. "Something's come up. How do you feel about a long weekend in East Anglia instead of London?"
"East Anglia?"
"Lakenheath, to be specific."
"There's a problem at the base?"
§ Too much idle (and uninteresting) chit-chat and a complete lack of tension. This opening gives no feeling that a story is beginning, but rather seems to be trying to impart information only. Also, a brief mention of the bustle of King's Cross is not enough to put the reader in the picture. These heads seem to be talking in a white room, one that moved with them, with no visible transition, from the station to the car.— Admin.
Both sentences in your opening begin with "platform." I've got a thing about word repeats. :) The rapid jump from talking about getting ticketed to suddenly backing out in the car was a bit jarring. You either need a summary or scene break there.
I do like the God and Devil banter. :) Not much description here. I don't know whether it's a style and personal taste thing or not ... I like to have a bit more feel of what's going on around a person. It also has a kind of "typical spy story" starter that turns me off a bit. Try to focus a bit more in the opening on what makes this story unique. —DL
This one doesn't do much for me. I think the dialog is perhaps a bit loose for the start of a story, with nothing catching my interest until the very last sentence. The rest only seems to be there just to establish a couple of small points about who the two people are. Also, the dialog tags like "I told him", "I asked him" and "he told me" make it sound like she's relating the story to a third person (other than the reader). - WJS
Good last sentence, and probably an effective boost to keep me reading — but it's preceded by a long dialogue section that's chatty and entertaining, but doesn't really tell us much about either of the characters or the central conflict. Also, a small point— referring to him as "the US Embassy's Legal Affairs officer" seems a bit cumbersome for casual conversation, as opposed to "someone in your position." I'm not sure that bit of exposition is necessary here; particularly since you've already suggested the "international supersleuth." FWIW <g>. - SEW
Nope. I got nothing off of this one, sorry. Doesn't even get me in the car. Technically it's very smooth, flows well, dialogue is fine...just not my cup of tea I suppose. KS
I love talking heads, at least that's what BJ always tells me, so this dialog should leave me tingly all over. Unfortunately, it doesn't. It's probably too chatty. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
Too terse. Too much talk. But I think it has possibilities. Lynn
Mine. And yes, no speculative content, the piece I was working on happened to fit the BOC requirements too well to ignore. Laura and Tom are two of the major characters in a techno-thriller novel I'm nibbling at the edges of. At the moment I'm trying to use some short fiction to pin down their characters a bit better and this is part of that effort. DG
It seems these crazy kids are going to have an espionage adventure. Okay, but more hint of the adventure and less emphasis on the small talk may have heightened my interest. BA
This sounds like it might be the kind of weekend I'd like to spend. While there's no description of the characters, I feel like I know them because of their conversation and I like them. They have just the right amount of give and take to be interesting and their conversation lets you know up front that they aren't living in the here and now. 1st PD
Untitled #3 - Lynn Fernandez
Riding on a sidesaddle being lead by a man wasn't Katherine's idea of riding a horse but now that she was betrothed to the laird of the next castle, she had to start behaving like the lady she was bred to be. It wasn't easy. Astride she knew she could out ride any off the squires in the entourage but she was hobbled, sitting sideways with her feet resting on a planchette, twisting her body to face forward.
However, this would change. Paris spent the summers fighting for the King. As his wife, Katherine would be in charge of his castle much like her mother had been in charge when her father was away. And She would astride if she felt like it.
The entourage bunched together in the narrow road. Katherine saw a scuffle ahead. Someone's horse reared up and the rest backed away in to each other. A scuffle and dust up of horse's rumps and heads. Ears flattened and teeth flashed as the riders attempted to regain control.
Behind the horses crowded her. The squires wheeled their horses around to face the rear.
Thuck. Thuck. Katherine's horse bolted into the woods. She reached for a fistful of the mane and held on to the saddle with the other. She ducked a few low branches but when her mount stopped short she was thrown to the ground. As the horse cantered away she saw an arrow stuck in his rump.
Katherine looked around the shaded woods. She wasn't too far off the road but it wasn't safe. She heard shouting and hoof beats coming towards her. She found a large shady spot behind a tree and hid herself in her dark cloak. The rider continued past her. No one followed him. Quietly, she walked deeper into the woods.
§ This entry has promise, but is marred by some awkward phrasing and repeated words. Also, the action scene is choppy and not clear. "Katherine saw a scuffle ahead" is not specific enough. What sort of scuffle? Are they being attacked by someone on foot or on horseback? "Thuck. Thuck" was a disembodied reference that made no sense until later. The final sentence should have jacked up the tension but instead let it go slack. —Admin.
This opening sentence needs to be broken up, either into separate sentences or by punctuation. Also, with this sentence:
Astride she knew she could out ride any off the squires in the entourage but she was hobbled
It seems like you're missing a word here. "in the entourage, but in this device she was hobbled" ... weak example, but hopefully it gets my point across.
This sentence:
And She would astride if she felt like it.
"And she would ride astride ..."?
This one:
rest backed away in to each
into
In the scuffle, you seem to focus more on the behavior of the horses than the people. This is fine if you're making a point that our protagonist cares more about the horses than her men, or she just is a horse nut or something. But be sure that's what you mean.
The:
Thuck. Thuck.
isn't nearly enough to get across what she's hearing, IMO.
What is she thinking as she goes deeper into the woods. Can't tell if she's afraid, used to taking care of herself, or what. Is she trying to just get away from them? Is she following the rider? -DL
This one doesn't quite work for me. The first paragraph reads okay, but the rest is nearly all short little sentences that don't seem to flow. The action part doesn't grab me either - perhaps too much telling? Not really sure. - WJS
Almost, but not quite <g>. You've got the beginnings of a spirited character, the seeds of a conflict, and the action of a specific situation that threatens the MC. But, IMO, the actual writing needs to be tightened up to focus all of those ideas. e.g. the situation/location needs to be presented earlier, IOW, where is the entourage riding? (Also, I wouldn't use that word more than once in the space of a few paragraphs; it really calls attention to itself <g>). And what is this entourage? (Clarifying this could suggest who might be shooting arrows at them—and why Katherine needs to escape into the forest—and BTW, if you have described the location earlier, there may be a sense that the forest itself holds certain dangers, which puts the MC in a really tight spot, and turns that last sentence into the "engine" that (I think <g>) you intended). - SEW
I liked this one. It has possibilities. But it's a bit rough and needs some tweaking. "Riding on a sidesaddle" I think should probably be "Seated sidesaddle" but that's just my preference. "And she would astride if she felt like it." is missing a word—"And she would ride astride". I think what makes it rough is too much of "She heard", "she found" "she saw". Show us. KS
A quick read out-loud may have helped the author to avoid a few clumsy sentences, and that might have been enough to carry it past the first pass. As it is, it just misses. Sorry, no vote. -Josh
Well I shot myself in the foot again. The first graf needs work. Two of the sentences are too long. Darn I didn't see that I had the word scuffle so close to each other in another graf. Ah well. Fix those and I don't think it's such a bad start <sigh> I'll never get to be admin again at this rate. (stupid me) Lynn
'Riding sidesaddle' is the more usual description (at least in my experience), so unfortunately the very first phrase threw me. There are a few more grammatical errors and missing words: 'out-ride any of the squires', 'ride astride if she liked' that suggest this was thrown together rather hastily. 'Thuck' isn't onomatopaeic enough to be convincing as the sound of an arrow striking home, I'd go for description instead: 'There was a sudden, sharp, sound as though someone had been slapped and her horse bolted'. And will stopping short throw you out of a sidesaddle? As I recall their structure there is a projection over the lower leg that would tend to hold you in place (OTOH I'm no horseman). DG
If the writer's only going to put one comma in that first long sentence, I'd suggest it go between "horse" and "but." And shouldn't that be "led"? BA
This entry is the start of a story that takes a stand I don't understand at all. If she's been bred to be a proper lady, then why would she even think about riding astride? The two concepts are mutually exclusive. If she's prim and proper she doesn't ride astride and if she rides astride she isn't prim and proper or well bred. It makes for an interesting character though. 2nd PD
27 Down - Josh Langston
J. Elliott Sanderson, 47th President of the United States, stood by the side of the bed and prepared to wrap his leather-gloved hands around the First Lady's neck. He pressed his interlaced fingers together and stretched the leather tight. Though uncomfortable in his sweat-soaked, wool overcoat, he had to wear it; he had no choice. Cybil would surely wake when he began to choke her, and he needed the coat for protection when she tried to resist. She wasn't terribly strong, certainly no match for him, but she had a formidable set of fingernails and besides, desperation had a way of giving people extraordinary abilities. One can't be too careful, he thought.
The president peered around the bedroom one last time before committing himself. He'd already locked the heavy, double doors, and the nearest Secret Service agent was at the end of the hall. Dark drapes covered the bulletproof glass in the room's high windows, shielding the first couple from the lights on the White House lawn—it was nearly 3 AM, but the floods stayed on all night. The feeble glow of a clock radio and a bank of small, colored lights on the bedside command console provided some gray relief to the prevailing darkness.
Confident and relaxed, the chief executive pulled a crumpled crossword puzzle from his pocket. He smoothed out the small rectangle of newsprint and by the glow of a tiny pen light quietly reviewed the coded instructions. 27 Down read "FIRST LADY;" 54 Across read "EXTRACT." Rarely had his instructions been so clear. He'd had to wait an entire day for an opportunity to carry them out, so if there had been some mistake, there would have been time to notify him. That was the beauty of The Post; Sanderson never missed an issue.
§ Very intriguing. I don't think I like this guy, but I would read on just to see where this is going. Excellent use of detail. —Admin.
Well, I suppose you've got my attention from the beginning. ;) This is interesting ... makes me wonder whether this guy really is getting instructions from the newspaper, and how he plans to get away with it, especially since he and the first lady are locked in a room together. But I suppose that's the beauty of being the president, you can cover up that kind of stuff. -DL
I like this. Catches my interest straight away and leaves me intrigued. Doesn't quite make first, but a close runner up. Second place. - WJS
"27 Down" - Wickedly suspenseful. I really enjoyed this. Wonderful detailed description, building energy very effectively. Because you've suggested so well what might be about to happen, the amount of "telling" comes across with the energy of "showing." Interesting <g>.
Okay, I probably would have been awakened by stretching leather and pen lights and crinkling newspaper, but maybe the First Lady had too much to drink at dinner? The crossword puzzle twist definitely turns on the "ignition." Especially with the suggestion that there could be "no mistake" in the instructions (implying at the same time that there could have been <g>.) I found myself yelling, "Get yourself a thesaurus, you dumb@ss!" so I guess I was pretty wrapped up in the story, huh? <g>. - 1st Place - SEW.This is my Third Place pick. It was odd, I didn't like it when I first started reading it but somewhre along the line I changed my mind. It definitely fulfilled the requirements of turning the key. KS
Mine, I admit. Forgive me. -Josh
1st Place I liked the originality I thought this was well written, brought me right into the story. Lynn.
I quite like the concept here and if we can have a president who consults astrologers, why not one who receives instructions via the crossword. My only concern is that in the terms we're inevitably thinking of here 'EXTRACT' normally implies removing someone alive, whereas 'choking her' implies murder is definitely on the cards and that the instruction might be better implied by 'TERMINATE' or 'LIQUIDATE'. My third place for the month. DG
Interesting premise. I think I liked it better when the president seemed to be a cold-blooded murderer, though, and before it began to look as if he were either brainwashed or an evil double. First Place.
BAWell it's an old story, but there seems to be a little bit of difference in that the nut is the President. I suppose this is his only aberration but it's a whopper doozey. How many others has he killed or should I say extracted? 3rd PD
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