Jan 2002 Best Openings Contest Results
Congratulations BETH SHOPE and JOSH LANGSTON for a TIE for first place! We haven't had one of those for a while and it's always nice to see the competition close! BILL ALLEN turned in a solid second place finish, and DONNA DRAPEAU's Christmas story came in third. Well done, everyone, and thank you all for your participation, either in entries, votes and comments (Adrienne and Kevin you are awesome!), or in both.
BJ Galler-Smith, BOC Administratrix
73733.1315@CompuServe.com
January TOTALS - 1st 2nd 3rd Voted Total SILVER PATH - Beth Shope 12 2 - 3 17 Hopewell - Josh Langston 6 6 2 3 17 Slave King - Bill Allen 9 2 1 3 15 Silent Night - Donna Drapeau 3 2 2 3 10 Not Just for People - Jon Woolf 6 - - 3 9 Night Bruises - Lisa Mantchev - 4 3 - 9 Charioteer - Derek Paterson - 4 - 3 7 Untitled - Lynn Fernandez - 2 - 3 5 This Year's Model - David Gillon - - 1 3 4 Bound - Sophia Ahmed - - 1 3 4 Mighty River - Phyllis Davis - - - 3 3 No entry - Adrienne Gormley - - - 3 3 No entry - Kevin S. - - - 3 3Nov & Dec 2001 / Jan 2002 Quarterly Results
Index of January 2002 Entries The Silver Path - Beth Shope
2. Slave King - Bill Allan
3. This Year's Model - David Gillon
4.The Charioteer - Derek Paterson
5. Silent Night - Donna Drapeau
6. Not Just for People - Jon Wolff
7. The Mighty River - Phyllis Davis
8. Bound - Sophia Ahmed
9. Hopewell - Josh Langston
10. Night Bruises - Lisa Mantchev
11. Untitled #1 - Lynn Fernandez
GENERAL COMMENT: This month's authors need to be whapped upside the head with a Strunk & White or five. Too many of them don't punctuate or construct sentences coherently. (AG)
The Silver Path - Beth Shope
Omitted at author's request.
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1. THE SILVER PATH—This opening was sedate rather than thrilling, it's filled with minor details but has no oomph factor. You've told me your protag feels anger and dread, but haven't shown any hint of what might have caused this. There's no hook to make me want to read on. -DP1. The Silver Path—Not a testosterone-laden beginning, but then, when being courted by a new book, I'd rather be seduced into the pages than overpowered—and I wrote this opening to reflect that preference. However, my opinion is worth exactly nothing here <g>, so I'll move on to where it counts...(Beth Shope)
1. THE SILVER PATH—Fairly nice images, as well as movement in the opening. The name Riordan jarred a bit when I got to first the "furs", then "clans", then "yula", because "Riordan" is a not unknown Celtic name, while by the time I hit "yula", I'm t hinking more the horse nomads of the Asian steppes. Also, the about the paragraph breaks bothered me. The sentence that starts with "On this morning", content-wise, should start a new paragraph, yet the sentence just previous to that may or may not be i mportant enough to rate its own paragraph. It certainly doesn't belong as part of the first paragraph. In the end, author's call. First. (AG)
1. THE SILVER PATH— Seems to be a tribal story to reader. Romance genre? Opening seems to point that way, I'm afraid. (KevinS.)
The Silver Path—Nicely written opening more suitable for a novel than a short (which would explain the lack of a hook). Excellent use of imagery. Makes first pass. Loses out on the second pass for want of a hook. Earns honorable mention. —Josh
The Silver Path CC&S but it's slow. The first sentence doesn't grab me. Also see lots of passive voice. Anticipation had not wakened him, anger and dread held his heart in a tight fist...( I think tight fist might border on cliche or at least over used) ; ... when the earth's heartbeat...Lynn
The Silver Path: This opening was interesting, and I liked the dawn setting and imagery. I would have liked to see some action replace the, "He always relished." sentence. I would read on though, as the opening has caught my attention. Should be, "and the route WAS familiar." FIRST. — SA
1. THE SILVER PATH: Not bad. Though the action/circumstances didn't thoroughly hook me, the writing is competent enough to give me hope. Second Place. Bill
1. THE SILVER PATH —As this stands we have a groom with a case of the pre-wedding jitters. There's a largely generic fantasy world to wrap around him, but no hint as to whether his nerves are plot related or simply a consequence of the imminently pre-n uptial state he finds himself in. I think that needs to be clarified, or at least hinted at, within this segment. I'd also put a lot of effort as quickly as possible into ensuring that this doesn't stay a generic fantasy world. DG
1. THE SILVER PATH —After reading this entry several times I still cant find anything wrong with it. To me it seems to be just what we are striving for. The beginning of a good story, that asks you to turn the page and read on. It doesnt grab you by t he throat, but it does grab hold of your imagination and demands you to read on. In case you couldnt tell, I really liked this entry.-First PD
No comment —DRD
1. THE SILVER PATH—Comment: No particular "hook," but the author is pretty effective at establishing a mood. "the day he was to be married" and "not anticipation but anger" together set up the impression that he's Not Happy about what's going on. Why not? I also note that the author is a little too ornate... hmm, not quite the right word, but I can't think of a better one... in their choice of language. "He arose" would sound better as "He rose," and "journeyed" should be something else, something rather less weighty. Perhaps "descended quietly" would work better? It's the best of the lot, but it still seems a bit fuzzy, like it needs a tweak or two to make it really work. (JW)
2. Slave King - Bill Allan
The blue-veined Grutian threw a sudden left, which Lloyd blocked, and a powerful right, which Lloyd dodged, but then the long-fingered hand on its sinuous middle arm snaked out and clamped around Lloyd's throat, cutting off his air.
For seconds he could only struggle with the undulating arm, choking, fighting for breath. When the next series of blows connected with his face, however, Lloyd tasted blood in his mouth, and anger pumped through him.
He managed to get a section of the tentacle-like forearm between his teeth and bit down hard. Another taste, musky and salty, like mushrooms soaked in brine, filled his mouth.
He gnawed at the Grutian's flesh until the fingers around his throat relaxed. Then he waded into the howling alien, battering it with punches and kicks. A knee to its sexual organ brought the ugly head down, and a two-handed cymbal-crash of a blow to both spatulate ears left it reeling.
Lloyd paused, chest heaving, and caught a glimpse of the human female in the slave section of the amphitheater. She looked frightened, and beautiful.
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2. Slave King—Despite the fact this one begins in the wrong place (IMHO) it gets first place for good & amusing fight choreography, the interesting human arena fighter vs. alien arena fighters scenario, and of course the inclusion of the beautiful slav e. An unbeatable combination of story elements! FIRST. -DP2. The Slave King —My criteria for an effective opening (which, bottom line, is one that makes me want to keep reading) are that it should mention character and setting, introduce or foreshadow conflict, and be well-written. Of those, the introduction of
conflict is the most crucial, because conflict is the lifeblood of all good fiction. It's what keeps us reading. This opening has three of the four elements, but while it begins with a fight, there's no sign of story conflict. I would suggest opening wit h the defeat and/or demise of the blue-veined Grutian (since presumably Lloyd, as the POV character, will be victor in this scuffle), and go from there, with an eye toward including some hint of what this story is really about. This one gets an honorable
mention for the quality of the writing. I liked the vividness of the descriptions and the use of more than one sense. (Beth Shope)2. Slave King—This one does nothing for me. I don't like Gor (note spelling). No vote. (AG)
2. Slave King— No genre problem with this one. :)>>...a glimpse of the human female in the slave section of the amphitheater.<< The victor's prize? Human = Sex, Grutian = Food? NitPick. Right or left hand for middle arm? Presuming as the description so
far has been humanoid, the assumption is that normal type hands apply, opposable thumb(s) n'all. Takes 1st Place, because I can identify with the setting and theme. (KevinS.)Slave King—Bravo—classic pulp! Easily makes first pass. Makes second pass. Finishes 1st. (I'll take rippling biceps and heaving breasts anytime, as long as they aren't parts of the same creature.) —Josh
Slave King Use short sentences to punctuate the action in the opening (cough) paragraph. Look out for passive voice. For seconds he struggle with the undulating arm, choking...Sorry but the last sentence earned a snort from me. Lynn
Slave King - The mention of the 'frightened, and beautiful' human female completely ruined this one for me. Who cares about her? She comes across as a helpless damsel in distress in three words, and so irritates me already. Get back to the vivid action ! The writing is good, but this opening along with its title has a predictable feel to it. I'd read on a little to see if something unexpected happens. THIRD. —SA
2. Slave King: I must've been having an Edgar Rice Burroughs moment or something. WA
2. Slave King—Just not for me, I'm afraid. There's nothing spectacularly wrong with the writing, though relying on anger for that extra edge strays perilously close to cliché. Beautiful human slave girls OTOH are definitely cliché and this might benefi t from some kind of reworking if the story will support it. DG
2. Slave King—This one isnt talking heads its battling heads! I havent a clue as to whether they are fighting in an arena, a back street somewhere or a side street near a slavers caravan, or maybe somewhere else altogether. It is interesting and Id li ke to know more, but in spite of that it tries to say too much in too few words. PD
2. I'm envisioning a new Gor novel. A fight isn't the way to get me into a story. "A knee to its..." had me laughing at the unintended pun. No vote. drd
2. Slave King—Comment: This one is rather bizarre, to be honest. :-) There's nothing specifically wrong with it, and it does show some creativity with the reference to the three-armed alien. But it doesn't do much for me. Too blunt. (JW)
3. This Year's Model - David Gillon
Maria's voice called me back from the computer simulation of how our Autumn range would look on the catwalk. And on me.
"I'm not certain about the formal wear," I said. "Those jackets look like they're cut for someone with a smaller chest size than mine."
Maria was as elegant as ever. The lines she designed for the market flowed from style to style as our customers flitted fickly between each new concept, each new headline in the lifestyle webmags, but Maria stayed true to Chanel's little black cocktail number. I would have looked ridiculous in it, all legs and tits, but on her body it was perfect, and she knew it.
"We got the new predictions from our semioticists. The next big thing will be the i-movie for Cerise, Debbie Rollin's new novel. The pre-sales are huge.
I'd read Cerise, it was lowest common denominator slush, just the kind of thing Rollins did best, just the kind of thing the market loved.
"Cerise is a [deleted] waif," I moaned. "And they're all going to want to look like her."
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3. This Year's Model—Hmm, take away the computer simulation mcguffin and there is no speculative element in this otherwise uninteresting fashion bitch opening. -DP3. This Year's Model—This promises to be a swift read with snappy, pungent dialogue, but it lacks conflict or any potential for it, unless it's about how the main character (whose name we don't know) is going to manage to pour her large-chested self i nto this year's Autumn range—not a particularly compelling problem. Some difficulties with flow and clarity as well. In the first paragraph, what did Maria actually say? The jump from dialogue to the description in the third paragraph feels like a non-se quitar. Can't tell if the POV character is just thinking about Maria, or if the other woman is actually there in her little black dress. This has the feel of taking place in someone's head, with her eyes closed—we hear voices and thoughts, but there's no
movement, nothing happening. (Beth Shope)3. This Year's Model—There's something here, but there are a few things that make the grammarian twinge. How about "our fickle customers flitted"; "fickly" doesn't sound right. To keep in line with common patterns, try iMovie. No closing quotes on M aria's final bit of dialog (after "huge"). No semicolon after "I'd read Cerise"; in fact, a goodly amount of comma abuse in this one-sentence paragraph. AU should pay a bit more attention to mechanics, lest the editors get turned off. Third, in a tos sup with "Not Just for People". (AG)
3. This Year's Model—This opening, like the some of the others this month has no genre distinction to it. Not interested in cat-walks, et al, so gets tossed over shoulder. As filler later on in story, no problem. (KevinS.)
This Year's Model—A very different setting for SF, and one liable to prove interesting. I'd definitely read on. Makes first pass. Misses out on second pass for lack of a hook. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
This Year's Model— Model has many meanings like computer model. When I saw range I thought of fields not clothing so when I got to catwalk I went 'huh?'. Graph 3 doesn't flow. It's to wordy. The second sentence it too long.. What is a semioticist? I s Cerise a computer generated being? Wouldn't it be the actress portraying her who is the fking waif? Lynn
This Year's Model - Some interesting glimpses of a future, but I've a feeling what I'm seeing in my head isn't actually what the author intended. I'd read on a little to find out. The fashion theme isn't particularly interesting though, and I don't find the characters as portrayed here the slightest bit appealing.the next page needs to be pretty gripping to get past this, I'm afraid. — SA
3. This Year's Model: Maybe I'm just dense, But the first paragraph made no sense to me until about the third read. And the near-future fashion-industry milieu wasn't quite enough of a hook. WA
3. This Year's Model—Mine. DG
3. This Year's Model—Im not quite sure what you are talking about here. If the povc is looking at a computer program, then why wouldnt it show the dress or whatever it is fitting over her big tits? Im not sure what gives with fickly. Word accepts it, b ut it isnt listed in the thesaurus. Oh well, after puzzling over it a bit, I did manage to figure out what was meant. Anything that causes that kind of problem should probably be changed to something simpler. Cerise is what kind of a waif? Why leave this
one in and take out Unnamed #1? At least Unnamed #1 was amusing which is more than I can say for this one!!! PD3. "flitted fickly" just doesn't roll off your tongue, does it? Okay, so the plot is about the POV's boobs? I'd be surprised if this isn't written by a male. drd
3. This Year's Model—Comment: I'd pass on this one, I think. Some mildly interesting hints, but haute couture really isn't a subject that I'm very interested in. (JW)
4.The Charioteer - Derek Paterson
Almost a year to the day after the Conquerors took Natar and impaled Tyr's father on a spike, a messenger brought news to the Great Library. The messenger, a former soldier who'd fought alongside Tyr's father and had suffered blinding and mutilation as punishment, knelt before Tyr and touched his head to the floor. The gesture moved Tyr, who had no way of showing this. "Rise, and tell me your news," he said.
The messenger got up and held his hand before his face so he wouldn't offend Tyr with the sight of his empty eye sockets. "My Prince, Lord Hautar has declared a feast of celebration on the Third Night of the New Moon," he said. "During the feast, he will formally introduce his son and daughter."
Tyr was surprised. He'd known Hautar had a son. But a daughter? And a daughter old enough to be introduced into Conquerer society? Perhaps he shouldn't be surprised, given that the Conquerers allowed only blind Natari servants into their homes.
"Why do you tell me this?" Tyr said.
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4. The Charioteer—Mine. For the curious, the Conquerors cut Tyr's legs off, which is why they mockingly refer to him as the Charioteer. -DP4. The Charioteer—Intriguing enough to snag my interest. I did wonder how Tyr managed to survive the taking of his land and the killing of his father; hopefully this will be revealed in the story. I also wondered why the servants being blind would prev ent them from knowing about the presence of a daughter. They have ears, after all, and seem quite capable of running errands and delivering messages. This sentence <<Tyr was surprised>> is telling, and could be transformed into something that shows us his
surprise. At any rate, I do want to read more, which is a Good Sign. Second Place. (Beth Shope)4. The Charioteer—"...who had no way of showing this" is AU intrusion, telling, not showing, same with "Tyr was surprised". In the first two paragraphs, AU doesn't seem to have decided who is going to be POV character, so what we see is almost camer a eye. Only in 3rd para, do we get into Tyr's head. No vote. (AG)
The Charioteer—Well written fantasy, but it lacks a hook with punch or anything to distinguish it from the norm. Misses on the first pass. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
4.The Charioteer—Historical genre? No fantasy or SF element to me. (KevinS.)
The Charioteer 2nd I think too much information is given in the opening graph. However I liked the rest of it. Lynn
The Charioteer - Some bits of this I liked, the history, for example, although overall this opening came across as a bit disjointed. The final line was the only major problem - it seemed to me like a very stupid question for Tyr to ask. It is either a s et-up for an info dump, in which case it is bordering on obvious and needs to be handled carefully, or Tyr is an incompetent Prince who doesn't deserve this loyal messenger, or much sympathy from me, so far. — SA
4.The Charioteer: This entry had me nibbling at the lure until: "Tyr was surprised. He'd known Hautar had a son. But a daughter? And a daughter old enough to be introduced into Conquerer society? Perhaps he shouldn't be surprised, given that the Conquere rs allowed only blind Natari servants into their homes." What does his surprise about the daughter have to do with blind servants?
4. The Charioteer—Competently enough written, but I don't seem to be in the mood to appreciate fantasy this month. There don't seem to be any major flaws in the setup, we have hints of a plot and of Tyr's character, but I need something more to hook me . OTOH, I'd be willing to read further to find that hook, so maybe this is working. The one change I would make is to revise the second last line to 'blinded Natari servants'. Unless the city really has a major problem with blindness I doubt it could su pply more than a handful of blind servants and the implications seem to be that there are a lot of Conquerors. DG
4. The Charioteer—This entry is intriguing in its lack of coherence. Why did it take a year for the information to make it back to Tyr? Who and what is Tyr? Why cant he show emotion? There are so many questions wanting answers that I have a feeling of confusion rather than a desire to know more. I wouldnt read past this opening. PD
No comment - DRD
4.The Charioteer—Comment: First impression: "Tyr" is the old Norse wargod—any relevance? Second impression: Interesting enough that I'd probably keep reading. Somehow it seems like it could be worded more strongly, get to the point more directly, but I'm not sure how. Maybe drop the sentence about "only blind servants allowed" and use that wordage instead to begin the messenger's answer. Oh, and if the messenger is blind and crippled, how did he make the journey? (JW)
5. Silent Night - Donna Drapeau
Moonlight shone on the falling snow making the town glow with muted shades of blue. The wind barely stirred and the night was silent. If you listened hard enough you could hear the snow flakes strike as they landed on their fallen comrades.
The snow was quickly accumulating, icing the tree branches and swathing the ordinary into spectacular.
The night looked magical, like something out of a Currier and Ives Christmas card, but down there somewhere was a rogue and it was my job to find it. No settling down by a fire with hot chocolate for me—even if this was what the setting called for. All work and no fun time this trip.
Thankful for the new boots which kept my feet warm at least, I jammed my gloved hands deeper into my pockets. Trying to ignore the cold, I opened my mind to sense where my prey lie.
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5. Silent Night—Seems a little late for a Christmas tale? A rogue what? I get the feeling a tomato surprise is waiting for me down among the Christmas trees, e.g. Santa hunting a rogue elf. If not, maybe more definition of setting & motivation is required. -DP5. Silent Night—The opening description goes on for too long. By the third paragraph it's beginning to sound repetitive. (And I couldn't help but wonder how moonlight could shine on falling snow. A lurch in credibility there.) However, the author has g ood instincts in showing a contrast between an idyllic scene and then revealing a darker aspect, in this case that of a hunter tracking prey. To make it more effective, use one sentence, perhaps two, to paint this Currier & Ives postcard landscape—then b low it up. Not literally, of course, but jump in there with something dark and deadly to provide unexpected contrast and get this story rolling. Otherwise the reader's attention will not last through the second or third paragraph. (Beth Shope)
5. Silent Night—First sentence lack of comma after snow causes sentence to flow wrong. First few sentences more a travelogue; we don't even find our first person narrator until 3rd para, and this only after the jarring "you—you—you" in the last sent ence of 1st para. There is no action; there is no movement. AU is telling us what is out there, not showing it with POV interacting with it, until 3rd para, which starts with "The night looked magical—". Also, a rogue what? No vote. (AG)
5. Silent Night—Too much scene description before the 'hook'. Begin with last line. (KevinS.)
Silent Night—More good imagery, but I wish there could have been some hint about the nature of the "rogue." Makes first pass. Finishes 2nd. —Josh
Silent Night 3rd Sounds a lot like something I would write. Takes too long to engage the POVC. However I really like it! Lynn
Silent Night - I think this opening would work much better if it started at, "The snow was quickly accumulating." 'Currier and Ives' means nothing to me, and along with, 'The night looked magical' dilutes the impact of the sentence before it, which was b risk and clear. Overall, could be interesting, but needs to get to the point a bit quicker. — SA
5. Silent Night: I have a personal prejudice against psychic stories, and this POVC seems to be some kind of ESP police, but the set up is well done. Third Place. WA
5. Silent Night—Very nice. Good establishment of environment, a quick sketch of character and just enough plot hints to let us know that something is happening. One obvious criticism is that the last word should probably be 'lay' to match the tense bei ng used through the rest of the story. It could be 'lie' if prey was plural, but the implication from earlier is that it's singular. One caution, I've no idea who 'Currier and Ives' are and I'm probably not the only one. My first place for the month. DG
5. Silent Night This is an ambiguous opening. I kind of liked the idea of hearing the snowflakes landing, maybe just because the idea is so far fetched. Ive always had a tendency to think of normally noisy things becoming as silent as snowflakes hitting the ground. I guess though that is what makes us all individuals. Then we are told about a rogue that is going to need to be caught thus keeping our povc from relaxing and enjoying a quiet night. Then in the next paragraph the rogue becomes prey. To me rogue suggested a person while prey suggests an animal. So what is the povc after, a man or an animal? PD
5. Mine. drd
5. Silent Night—Comment: Interesting, gets the attention with the poetic description and a touch of bitter humor. For some reason I get the vague impression that the protagonist is either female or a frustrated poet. Or both. <g> Some typos and poor
word choices detract a little from the overall effect—for example, "snowflake" is one word, and the last word should be "lay." But the opening holds my attention in spite of these quibbles. (JW)
6. Not Just for People - Jon Wolff
Molly pranced into the room, and right away the man in the chair smiled at her.
It's a strange thing. I've been training therapy dogs for ten years, placed over a hundred of them. They all have that special knack of making people smile, but I've never seen any dog do it as flawlessly as Molly. People in pain, people lost in black depression, even people who have brain damage and can barely move their faces at all—Molly makes them all smile. I think it's because she's a Samoyed. Something about those two liquid brown eyes and that ridiculous pink tongue, lost in a moving blizzard of pure white hair, attracts smiles like flowers attract bees.
That day Molly was at the top of her form. Our client was a middle-aged fellow named Tarrell, a recent stroke victim. He hadn't spoken since it happened, hadn't shown much emotion at all. His CAT scans showed so much damage that the doctors weren't sure that he still could. But just like clockwork, he saw Molly and he smiled.
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6. Not Just for People—Opening relies upon cutesy dog breed. I have no doubt that many discerning readers will cast their vote for this alone, but alas I'm not one of them. Animal stories, pfftt. -DP6. Not Just for People—The writing is good, bar that first sentence, where we definitely need clarification that Molly is a dog. I imagined a small child at first. Lovely, fresh description of the dog herself. Unfortunately, this opening has no conflic t, nor does it show any potential for conflict. Now if Molly had done something unexpected, like growling at the poor man. . .(Beth Shope)
6. Not Just for People—Nice opening, but the first para needs a bit more meat on it. Is the focus of the story Molly getting the guy to open up completely? If her goal is to get the guy to smile just by walking through the door, the story is over i n the opening. Kill the last sentence in the opening; otherwise it's weakened and there's nothing to build on. Currently too cute; needs some meat. Just missed top three, but is, alas, "no vote". (AG)
6. Not Just for People—Doesn't clue the reader in at all to genre. No hook, either. This should fit in later as description. (KevinS.)
Not Just for People—I'm a sucker for dog stories, and finding a well-written one is a bonus. Makes first pass with a wag of its tail. Unfortunately, wet nose and soft eyes do not a hook make. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
Not Just for People 1st Cute Only thing I'd change is delete It's a strange thing. Currently I don't see anything fantastical about it but I must believe there is something fantastic about the dog. Lynn
Not Just For People - Nicely written, but has a bit of a cutesy feel. I'd read on a paragraph or two to see if some definite speculative element is introduced, but if not, I'd stop. There's nothing here to hold my interest I'm afraid. — SA
6. Not Just for People: The first sentence set off my too-cute alarm. This wasn't badly written, just not my cup of tea. Sorry. WA
6. Not Just for People—I'm not a great dog fan and this doesn't do anything for me as it is. The writing is fine, in fact better than fine, but there are no real hints of where this is going and I'm just not hooked enough for the quality of writing alo ne to push it into the points. DG
6. Not Just for People —Im not sure what kinds of remarks are needed for this piece. Technically I cant find anything wrong with it, but it just doesnt seem to gel. It almost feels complete as it is. There really isnt a need to carry it any further. PD
6. Very nice. I could picture the scene well. Got my vote. First place. drd
6. Not Just for People—Mine. Weak, I know, but I can't figure any better one that fits the story it's attached to. Maybe the comments from others will help me get it right.
7. The Mighty River - Phyllis Davis
For untold millennia, the river had its way with the land it roared through. The only opposition came from the land itself, and in any battle between land and water, the water always won.
The river gouged out steep walled canyons and carried the rocks, and sand downstream where it built temporary dams that lasted only until the next flood.
When men finally saw the mighty river they stared at it in awe. They had never seen its like.
"Today we will sacrifice to the river," Joleen said. She glared at her people as if daring them to object.
"We have nothing to offer that would be acceptable," Dannota said. "We have been traveling for months and all our food is gone."
"We won't offer food this time!" Joleen said. A knowing look made her face look harsh.
"What else is there to offer?" Jaren's face looked comically uncomprehending.
Joleen smiled grimly and said, "We will offer one of our members."
"Who would be stupid enough to volunteer for something like that?"
"Who said anything about volunteers?"
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7. The Mighty River—I got whiplash from the abrupt transition from millions of years of erosion and terrain formation to people suddenly appearing. Establishing Joleen (cue Dolly Parton...) as a high priestess or similar might have helped me to imagin e why her people would pay her any heed. Joleen is very unlikeable, which makes me hesitate over whether I would read on. -DP7. The Mighty River—Conflict we've got, or at least great potential for it, by way of the wild and hungry river, and unwilling sacrificial victims, but there seems to be no particular POV in use here, and hence no particular character to empathize with . The title of the story doesn't help this impression. And while the setting seems prehistoric, the dialogue is 21st century. This would be improved by settling into one character's head and by less telling/more showing. (Beth Shope)
7. The Mighty River—There's some dissonance here in this opening. The first two paras, which should be a single para, we're talking basic modern geological knowledge. It's part travelogue, but at least with motion (water eating at land, land resist ing). We are then thrust into a conversation between some "men", and the first thing that comes up after the awe is sacrifice, and we are suddenly thrust back from a modern POV into a primitive hunter-gatherer society. Problem 1: Consistency. Problem 2: Mechanics. 1st sentence is awkward. In second para, steep-walled, used as adjective, should be hyphenated, there should be no comma after rocks in the same sentence, and there SHOULD be a comma between "downstream" and "where". Beware of telling, n ot showing. People have "looks". Whose POV? Get in that person's head and stay there, even when describing the canyon when the tribe first sees it. No vote. (AG)
7. The Mighty River—Tribal story. Not enough interest to hook reader. (KevinS.)
The Mighty River—Dangling a modifier in one's opening sentence is not generally a good idea. The action tags in the dialog felt a little over-done. In light of the competition this month, this one doesn't make the first pass. Sorry, no vote. —Jos h
The Mighty River. Feels too much like a Survivor episode. Lynn
The Mighty River - There's no way I can read 'Joleen' and not have the Dolly Parton song immediately go through my head. After that, I'm thinking about country accents and the 20th century, and this opening doesn't fit in with that at all. Author may wa nt to reconsider that name, as I might not be the only reader who reacts like that...Hasn't caught my interest I'm afraid. I need a plausible reason why these modern-sounding people are so awed by this river that they feel the need to sacrifice to it. - - SA
7. The Mighty River: This sentence confused me: "When men finally saw the mighty river they stared at it in awe." I thought they'd been blind and could suddenly see. I'd suggest changing it to "When men finally came upon . . ." Somehow I don't think t his story is going to convince me that this is how human sacrifice began. WA
7. The Mighty River—The initial descriptive section does a good job at painting a picture of a river with a sense of power about it. The narrative section seems weaker, or perhaps I'm less convinced by it, which may amount to the same thing. I do know that I can't take a villain named Joleen seriously, it's just too firmly associated with bad C&W music in my mind, and I don't like Country... Moving beyond petty likes and dislikes, I think this needs to establish who Joleen's people are and why they've trekked to the river before deciding to dump one of them into it. The threat doesn't mean anything if we don't know the victim. DG.
7. The Mighty River Mine PD
7. Not a good way to start. It would have more impact if we cared about the members, or we saw Joleen's reasoning or madness. <shrug> my two cents. drd
7. The Mighty River—Comment: A nice enough opening, but there appears to be a sharp jump from "when men finally saw the mighty river" to "sacrifice to the river." They just encountered it for the first time, but they're going to offer it a sacrifice?
Doesn't make any sense to me. Other than that, it does a decent job of establishing tone: naturistic, primitive humans, and a note of ruthlessness that makes me wonder just what this tribe and its life are like.
8. Bound - Sophia Ahmed
The servant stared at the perfect expanse of the dark ocean in front of him, and opened his eyes wide for the first time in ten moons. As fine spray blew sharply against his skin, he stood and laughed from his belly and felt fresh, cold air, clear of ash or smoke or the scent of blood, fill his lungs until he felt almost drunk.
Distant hums of conversation drifted across to him from the encampment as he made his way along the cliffs, loosing small cascades of pebbles as he went. The release of tension at Prince Jakar's departure that morning had been powerful; unexpectedly so. The pale, young man walked with great fear, as if chained every moment to a demon, and when the men looked at him, they felt it too. The servant remembered their silent glances; the signs of unease festering in their hearts. Today, for one day, after nearly a year of defending themselves, they had been traders, with no risk of assassination. How alive they had all been! And tomorrow, the Prince would return.
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8. Bound—Interesting, yet it's a remote infodump dialog delivered by a servant who doesn't even know his own name. I'd suggest you either choose another POV character, or upgrade the servant from "extra" to protag and get deeper into how things are af fecting him. -DP8. Bound—This has my attention. The servant seems an interesting fellow, though he could use a name. The writing is vivid and sensual, but the narrative is a bit obtuse in places. It took me a moment to realize that the "pale young man" was Prince Jaka r. It's unclear to me what the men have been defending themselves against, why they would fear assassination, why they get to be traders when the Prince is gone, and what they do with their time when he is present. Maybe these will all be answered in the story, but that's too many questions for such a short opening; they overwhelm. One, maybe two mysteries are enough to introduce. Consider simplifying. I do want to know what the servant's role in the story is going to be, and what everyone is going to do during their night of freedom before the Prince returns, so this one gets Third Place. (Beth Shope)
8. Bound—If the tension is released before the story starts, where's the conflict? No vote. (AG)
8. Bound—This could be set in past, present, or future. No clue as to setting. Nothing to suggest genre. At least start with the dialogue instead of info-dump.>>Distant hums of conversation drifted across to him from the encampment as he made his way a long the cliffs,...<< Needs tidying, too clumsy. General conversation from the encampment or several groups? Indication would clear up confusion better. following detail would probably work better later in the story if the reason why the encampment was fe arful, afraid, etc. (KevinS.)
Bound—There are a number of strong images here, but they don't hang together to present a single cohesive picture. The ocean and cliffs could provide a backdrop for the action, but they really aren't intrinsic—the action, such as it is—coud take
place anywhere. IOW, I wasn't compelled to read on. PS: Check out the section on semicolons in Strunk and White. Sorry, no vote. —JoshBound The long sentences made this difficult to read.- Lynn
Bound - Insomnia-fuelled rubbish, and I should know <g>.—SA
8. Bound: Methinks that second sentence is a bit too complicated, too long. If that's a semicolon after "powerful," I think it should be a comma—the same for the one after "glances." The last two sentences left me confused rather than hooked. Sorry.
WA8. Bound—On a very basic note I found it a little difficult to empathize with someone identified only as 'the servant'. Beyond that, I thought this did a reasonable job of creating at least a hint of an oppressive atmosphere suddenly lifted, but some o f the imagery may need work: 'opened his eyes wide for the first time in ten moons' sounds like he has been walking around eyes shut for nearly a year, which I don't think is what you had in mind. The situation plotwise is unclear, there is obviously some thing going on, but what is difficult to tell. In some ways it may be better to delay the introduction of the plot and focus instead on the camp and the atmosphere within it, bringing their situation in very gradually. DG
8. Bound—What do you mean by a perfect expanse of dark ocean? Was it night and so the ocean was dark? Was it stormy and so the ocean was dark? Was the fine spray rain or sea spray? Was the pale young man the prince? Is he the one who is bound or are all his men bound because he is their prince and they must follow him? There is no indication of anything happening until the prince returns tomorrow, so why not start it closer to his arrival? PD No comment - DRD
8. Bound—Comment: Nice. The language is a bit too artsy for my tastes; however, underneath is enough meat to keep my attention. It would be even better if the last sentence was dropped, so the reader can appreciate their mood for at least another few lines. Then drop the hammer with the return of whatever it is that's kept them down for so long. (JW)
9. Hopewell - Josh Langston
Standing behind a thumb-thick slab of wire mesh and Lucite, sergeant Carla Roskopf watched as the latest parade of losers shuffled into the receiving hall. The doors clanged shut behind them.
Watch commander Tom Alvarez spoke into a microphone, and his voice rattled off the unpainted cement walls. "Strip down to your shorts. Dump everything but your shoes in the hampers along the wall."
As always, the inmates stared dumbly through the transparent barrier at their guards.
"Don't be shy," Alvarez said. "Anything you got, Sergeant Roskopf has already seen."
The line made her smile once, but not any more. She'd been there too long, seen too many men worn down to nothing. Still, Carla did her job; she kept an eye out for trouble-makers. Once identified they could be isolated. Breaking a Hopewell inmate's spirit required little effort. They all knew this was the last stop.
Carla checked each gray face for resistance, but found only fear, until she reached the last one. He stared back, incredulous.
Carla froze.
The young inmate mouthed one word: "Mom?"
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9. Hopewell—Good internal character delivery and potential for drama, though speculative element is a little low. SECOND. -DP9. Hopewell—Terrific set up of conflict. Protagonist is sympathetic; writing is clean and professional. I can't tell if the tone of this story is going to be tragic or comic, but either way it's bound to be a good read and I'd like to see more. First P lace. (Beth Shope)
9. Hopewell—I kept wanting to read this as "thumb-thick thlab" (not slab). Beware unconscious sound carryovers like this. Otherwise, a killer opening. Second, by a whisker. (AG)
9. Hopewell—Opening has no suggestion of genre. Could be anywhen, anywhere, anytime. The last line, which I take as the hook, comes too late. Moved to the beginning of the story may work better, then his mother's description, job, setting could reasona bly follow. Even something like, 'She gripped her PhaserStunKill rifle tightly, its rotating stun fields, and flechette filled magazine powered up, ready for trouble...' would introduce the genre element. Scuse my clumsy phrasing. 3rd place, because a re- write could get my attention. (KevinS.)
Hopewell—It's tripe, but it's my tripe. <g> —Josh
Hopewell Well this feels like a teaser..cut to the commercial. I thought it was well written right up to the next to the last sentence. I think I would have prefered anything but mom. Lynn
Hopewell - Very nicely written. No speculative element though, and I'd want to see some soon. Also, what is Lucite? I would read on. SECOND. — SA
9. Hopewell: Though I could discern no speculative element, this one made me wonder what would happen next. First Place. WA
9. Hopewell—This is possibly a little clichéd (if the mother/son-warder/inmate situation isn't clichéd then it should be!) but at the same time it flows smoothly and I can't fault the writing. I'm curious as to what is going on, whether Hopewell is a p rison or something more complex, so the narrative has obviously hooked me. My third place for the month. DG
9. Hopewell—> his voice rattled off the unpainted cement walls<<If the wall had been painted would his voice have been muffled? If not then theres no need to say unpainted cement walls. After her thoughts about this place being the end of the line, how would she not know that her son was likely to be interred there? PD
9. Well, okay, you surprised me. But at this point I might toss the 'script. Why should he not know she's there, especially of he knows what she looks like? And how would she not know he were arriving? I imagine they get a list aforehand, and news briefs of crimes. If I read more I would hope for a logical explanation. drd
9. Hopewell—Comment: I don't know what to make of this one. It starts out well enough, and leads up well to the hook at the end. Personally, I don't know if I'd read on, because it sounds like it's going to go in a maudlin direction, but that's only me. Depending on my mood, I might read on or I might not. (JW)
10. Night Bruises - Lisa Mantchev
Brynn woke up with a bruise on her inner thigh, blue where it wasn't purple and ringed with ghostly green. She contemplated it, another discoloration that was not there the night before. It matched the one on her shin and the other on her hip.
Maybe David is getting frisky in the middle of the night and I'm just too out of it to remember.
Somehow, she doubted it, even though the sleeping pills pitched Brynn into sleep and released her only with reluctance when David shook her awake every morning. Even now, three months after the accident, she needed them to get any rest at all.
Witnesses said it hadn't been her fault, that the woman had stepped off the curb in from of Brynn's SUV and left her no time to swerve. Still, the guilt wore around the edges of her reason. She'd spent a week in the hospital getting over her scrapes and bruises while the dead woman rested floors below her on a cold, morgue slab.
And when Brynn came home, the woman's ghost followed her.
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10. Night Bruises—The final hook line is a little too sudden for my liking, I would have much preferred to see a more gradual, eye-catching introduction to the ghost. Regardless of which, THIRD. -DP10. Night Bruises—The real hook in this opening is the last sentence, which was also true in the preceding story, but unlike that one, the lead-up here is ho-hum. The inclusion of back story so soon is deadly, not to mention distracting. It made me think this was going to be a story about a woman dealing with guilt. I'd suggest rewriting that final sentence and put it first. Something like, "When Brynn was discharged from the hospital, the dead woman's ghost followed her home" and take off running from there. Save the backstory for later. (Beth Shope)
10. Night Bruises—Some good showing, but when AU gets to Brynn's accident history, AU devolves to telling. Show Brynn remembering—the woman stepping out, the fear when she couldn't stop, maybe the look on the woman's face. Otherwise, the ghost line at the end of the opening is a tomato surprise. Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. Also, no vote. (AG)
10. Night Bruises—The last sentence is the 'hook'. A powerful one, too. Prefer too see it much sooner in the story. Up till then no interest raised. Maybe the reader would grasp too quickly who was responsible for the new markings on the main character? (KevinS.)
Night Bruises —A compelling opening; I'd definitely read on. Makes first pass. I'm not really keen on ghost stories, but I have hope for this one. Finishes 3rd. —Josh
Night Bruises I liked the beginning of this. It's got a nice (and I hope the au isn't offended cause I mean it as a compliment) Steven King feel. Ordinary person not fantastical event...(I'm thinking of Thinner) but I think the last sentence is author intrusion. Lynn
Night Bruises - Felt inconsistent. Brynn knows that the ghost followed her, but thinks first that her husband (?) caused the bruises. Why hasn't she asked him about it before? It seemed strange. Semi-colon after, "She contemplated it" may work better than a comma. Also, I don't know what a SUV is, although I could guess. May be just me. Wouldn't read on due to personal preference (don't like ghost stories), but also, this feels predictable. Some hints that this is going somewhere different would be needed before I'd give it more time, I'm afraid. — SA
10. Night Bruises: To declare in the opening that a ghost is causing the bruises (even though most readers will probably assume such) may be reducing the story to anticlimax. Invisible threat stories have to be awefully well done to hold my attention. Don't know that I'd continue. WA
10. Night Bruises—Intriguing, and very promising, but I think the final line is too blatantly upfront about what is going on. Leave the uncertainty there for a while longer to get the audience's curiosity up. My second place for the month. DG
10. Night Bruises — When I started reading this entry I was thoroughly intrigued. I sometimes wake up with bruises that I dont remember doing anything to cause them to appear, but then it turned into a ghost story. With so many ways to go with the basic idea Im surprised that it turned into just a ghost story. A pinching alien would be so much more fun to read about. Oh, well! I guess sometimes you get something interesting and sometimes you dont. PD
10. Last sentence unnecessary and contradictory. She wouldn't wonder about David getting frisky if she knew about the ghost. drd
10. Night Bruises—Comment: This one I like, if the last sentence is dropped. It does an excellent job of setting the mood, but then it reveals "What's Going On" much too soon. Or at least what appears to be going on. A longer wait would build up
more tension and work better, I think. (JW)
11. Untitled #1 - Lynn Fernandez
"Sabel, we're going to hit that asteroid." Tom said, his voice rising as we moved closer.
"We are not." I said, gritting my teeth. I tapped on the controls and we cruised by. Missing it by meters. "See."
"You should've seen it before we got that close," he said.
I looked at him. He had furrowed his eyebrows together and was scowling at me. I couldn't count the times he'd done that this trip. I couldn't count the times I wanted to send him out a hatch into deep space, either. Next stop I get a new lover.
It wasn't pretty when I tossed Tom and his possessions off the ship.
"Bitch!" he shouted at me. He furrowed his brow, again. I waited as his mouth struggled to spit another epithet, or something, at me. He stopped, picked up his bags and sauntered away. Damn, he had a really nice ass.
"Sure looks good walking away, don't he?" Alex asked. Alex was the best co-pilot my money could buy. He was also tall dark and (thankfully) not interested in me.
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11. Untitled #1 —Space opera, delivered at warp speed. Settings remain undescribed (and unimportant) and only the sketchiest character interaction is detailed—all of which leaves me in an uncaring state. Given that Sabel is the kind of lunatic who n early flies their ship into asteroids just to be cool, Tom's abuse seems perfectly justified. -DP11. Untitled -- Plenty of action and a tough, spirited protagonist, but no conflict or hint of any to come. The time jump between paragraphs four and five was disconcerting. Consider rewriting to include some foreshadowing of the story problem. (Beth Shope)
11. Untitled #1—Please learn to punctuate dialog correctly. Don't care about the characters, and could give a rat's patootie about their work/sex lives. No vote. (AG)
11. Untitled #1—I think the opening would grab reader attention more quickly if it started at, 'It wasn't pretty when I tossed Tom and his possessions off the ship.' The reason for his departure could then follow the first sentence 'hook'. Believing th e narrator is female did she have help in evicting him from the ship, or for whatever reason you like, is she the stronger? 2nd Place for identifiable genre. (KevinS.)
Untitled #1—The lack of transition between grafs four and five was so abrupt it put me out of the story. The POVC is both petty and immature, traits not found in most characters I'd want to read about. Fails first pass. Sorry, no vote.-Josh
Untitled 1. I had promised myself that I wouldn't send things that hadn't sat for at least 2 days. Did I listen to myself Nooo!!!! Basically is just feminist twist of a typical story. Lynn
Untitled #1 - A little confusing. "Next stop I get a new lover" suggested she was on the lookout for someone, but the final line then doesn't make sense. Some sense of time passing between the "new lover" line and Tom being tossed off the ship is needed , I think. I thought at first that the author was talking about another man who Sabel had jilted, and had just forgotten to change the name. May read on a little, as I've no idea where this is going, but I'm not really hooked so far. Should be a comma,
not a full stop, after "We are not". I think the next sentence should be "I tapped on the controls and we cruised by, missing it by meters" rather than two sentences. The writing style is a little jolty. - SA11. Untitled #1: Well, we have character and some setting, but we don't really know what the conflict is going to be, unless we can assume it will involve the pilot's next sexual liason. Think I'll have to pass. WA
11. Untitled #1— This seems competently enough written in the main, but also as though there is a chunk missing from the middle. There's a definite discontinuity between 'Next stop I get a new lover' and 'It wasn't pretty'. Maybe the intention is to fl ow straight from resolution ('dump him') to action, but I don't think it works. With what we've got here I would have stayed with the initial sequence and expanded on that to let us get to know Sabel better before the jump to dumping Tom. DG
11. Decent characterization. Would read more. drd
11. Untitled #1—Comment: So-so. Not bad, but not great either. Author needs to check punctuation—too many periods where commas should be, inside the quotes. The sentence starting "Next stop" is out of place, present tense in the middle of a past- tense sequence, and it results in a violent jump in the story's flow. That sentence should be dropped and rteplaced with something that joins the two scenes in a smooth flow. Do that, and this opening would work a lot better for me. (JW)
With great joy I announce the winner of this quarter's Best Opening Contest (Nov. 2001-Jan. 2002) Quarterly Results
Very hearty congratulations to SOPHIA AHMED!
Closing on her in second place, the inimitable Josh Langston, with the always solid Derek Paterson in third.
Awesome work, everyone! My deepest thanks to all the participants for all your good work, and especially for requiring only minimal nagging this quarter! Keep up the good work. Write!
Any errors are strictly my own. If anyone finds discrepancies, please let me know and I'll fix them in the uploaded file in the Library.Quarterly TOTALS - Nov. Dec. Jan. Total Sophia Ahmed 12 20 4 36 Josh Langston 7 9 17 33 Derek Paterson 8 14 7 29 Donna Drapeau 16 - 10 26 Lynn Fernandez 17 4 5 26 Micha Moeders 11 7 - 18 Beth Shope - - 17 17 Deb Dunkerton 11 6 - 17 Bill Allen - - 15 15 Phyllis Davis 5 3 3 11 David Gillon - 6 4 10 Jon Woolf - - 9 9 Lisa Mantchev - - 9 9 Adrienne Gormley - - 6 6 KevinS. 4 3 3 6 Wendy Gasperazzo 6 - - 6 Sid Gittler 0 - - 0
BJ Galler-Smith, BOC Administratrix
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