May 2001 Best Openings Contest Remarks

May 2001 Best Openings Contest Remarks

The May BOC Results are in! Comments will follow later tonight, to the message board and then to the library.

Let's hear it for our monthly winners, none other than the fabulously talented Josh Langston and Mark Rudden for tying for first! And congrats to David Gillon for snagging second place.  And finally, a round of applause for everyone who entered or voted.  Huzzah!!! the crowd roars its approval

The point totals:
Author          Title                    1st 2nd 3rd Gold Voted? Total Points
Josh Langston   Too Smart to Live         4   3   1   4    Y      30
Mark Rudden     Engine Room               2   4   1   6    Y      30
David Gillon    The Frontiers of Justice  2   1   2   3    Y      19
Don Poort       New Command               3   1   0   1    Y      16
BJ Galler Smith Sword and Shield          2   0   2   2    Y      15
Bill Allan      Webster House             0   0   2   2    N       6
Derek Paterson  Son of Destiny            0   1   0   0    Y       5
Phyllis Davis   Going to Mars             0   0   0   0    Y       3
Karen Hayes     no entry                  -   -   -   -    Y       3
Giedi "Hey You" no entry                  -   -   -   -    Y       3
Sid Gittler     no entry                  -   -   -   -    Y       3
Micha Moeders   no entry                  -   -   -   -    Y       3
On a side note, there were those who mentioned the lack of zing and sparkle this month.  I have no opinion on this.  I am neutral.  I am Switzerland.  I also received hints about adding ringers, and to that I respond with the following emphatic statement in the tones of Mommy Dearest: "No ringers, EVER!"   During my term as Admin, that is.  It's up to all y'all to submit fascinating story starters.  In the spirit of Robert Fulgham, if you want jalapeno-flavored jelly beans mixed in with your Cheerios, do it your own damn selves.

cracking the whip

Your BOC Adminatrix, Lis


Index
TOO SMART TO LIVE - Josh Langston
ENGINE ROOM - Mark Rudden
THE FRONTIERS OF JUSTICE - David Gillon
NEW COMMAND - Don Poort
SWORD AND SHIELD - BJ Galler Smith
WEBSTER HOUSE - Bill Allan
SON OF DESTINY - Derek Paterson
GOING TO MARS - Phyllis Davis


TOO SMART TO LIVE - Josh Langston


      They called her Squint.  At 14 she looked 10 and aimed to stay that way as long as possible.  Nobody wanted big orphs; they needed too much food.  Nobody wanted orphs her age; they asked too many questions, and sure as Shiva nobody wanted a redhead; they carried the taint.  Her owners laughed when she rubbed fren shit in her hair, but it hid the color even after she rinsed out the smell.  She laughed when they played their dumb tricks on her and called her a retard.  None of that mattered as long as they fed her and left her alone at night.  Then, and only then, after they said their stupid prayers, and burned their stupid candles, and locked her in her stupid room, did she cease to be Squint.  In those precious minutes before sleep stole her mind, she became Ellie—Ellie Katherine Tate—Ellie who knew.

[150 words]

§

      After easing slowly into the frenkeep, Squint closed it and waited until her eyes adjusted to the dark.  The cramped space reeked of fren droppings, and she could hear their sinister warbling in the shadows.  Evil, night-loving little bastards.
      "Your time's coming," she promised.
      The heavy birds nested in straw spaced evenly on floor-to- ceiling racks.  Squint had two jobs: collect eggs and betray the poorest layer.  Had these been chickens, from which the ill- tempered fren were descended, the task would be simple, but nothing was simple anymore.
      She paused at a flattish nest, sprayed a cloud of chill gas at the fierce beak of the occupant, and counted to five.  When the bird opened its mouth to breathe but could only make choking sounds, Squint reached beneath it and felt for the eggs.  She snatched two as she had countless others before her hand grasped something cool and scaly.

COMMENTS:

1.  Too Smart To Live—FIRST, Star—Nice semi-colons, snookums.  No gafs got in the way of a fast read right through. (BJ)

2.  <SECOND PLACE Part one: While I'm not dragged into the story, I'm sufficiently engaged to read further.  It's building slowly, but steadily.> <Part two: Still building slowly, but it's enough.  Well done.> MR

3.  I enjoyed reading the second page, which gets author a vote.  I believe the first page could be dropped with no loss whatsoever to the story.  Try it and see.  SECOND -DP

4.  This story has distinct possibilities. MZB really started something by giving redheads special powers didn't she? I'm prone to feel friendlier toward a character with red hair because my mother, younger sister, and grandson are all red headed, and all of them in one way or another are interesting characters. - PD

5.  Too Smart to Live—Bleah.  Who writes this drivel?  —Josh

6.  Got my attention! A very different culture and a squashed down servant/slave type heroine, who's anything but squashed inside, plus the hint of some distant future that we'll surely find out more about. Nitpick; the transition from Squint's general thoughts about her identity, to a very specific moment, is too abrupt. Despite my nitpick, this has the main quality that hooks me into any story: a strong, original narrative voice.  First Place, Gold Star - KH

7.  Interesting.  Certainly a good job of character.  Setting could have used a bit (but in 150 words, what can we expect, right?).  I would have probably liked it better if I knew more about the cool and scaly thing at the beginning, and then how it tied into her conflict with her owners.  As it stood, it came at the end, but felt like a hook without any bait.  However, this was interesting enough to keep my attention, so I'll give it a Gold Star. Also, against the others in the pack, I'll give it 3rd place—DPii.

8.  Grabbed me.  I was curious about the 14 year old and wanted to know more about the story and why she was being so secretive.  Her name also was something of a curiousity.  Good strong characterization and a attention-getting opener/plot. - Giedi

9.  A 14yo Anglo orphan slave girl in India?  OK, I'll buy that along with mutant chickens hatching lizards.  But Ellie just doesn't give me any reason to care about her.  I need something more than a lousy but livable situation. - SG

10.  Like the story, hate the title.  What I get from the title is that Squint is going to die.  If that were the case, why would I read on? - Micha

Back to Index


ENGINE ROOM - Mark Rudden


      "Damn this old building," Dan muttered as he wandered around in the basement, looking for the fuse box.  All right, so he was only a junior office assistant, but why the hell should he have to flip the breaker?  Isn't that want maintenance is for?
      The office building was one of the oldest in the city, and it showed.  The basement's dim lighting and rough concrete walls seemed cave-like, and it was damp.
      As Dan shuffled down a corridor, the wall on his right wavered like the heat coming off a hot pavement in July, and a door appeared.  The door was neatly labeled "Engine Room."
      Dan was sure there had been a blank wall there just a moment ago.  He reached a hand out and touched the door.  It felt slightly warm.
      "Maybe the fuse box is in the engine room," he thought out loud.  He grabbed the doorknob

[150 words]


      and pushed the door open, revealing a cavernous room filled with huge machinery that hissed and rumbled.  Levers and dials festooned everything Dan could see, with some knobs and buttons in between.
      Dan knew that fuse boxes tended to be on walls, so he followed the wall around.  He noticed that one part of the machinery was labeled "Framework," and another "Basic Laws," and yet another "Cause-Effect Matrix."  Odd names, he thought, although he admitted to himself that he didn't know much about boilers and electricity and the like.
      The wall ended at a row of machines that rumbled softly.  Dan smelled an acrid burning odor, and reasoned that it might be coming from the elusive fuse box, so he ventured into the machinery, following his nose.
      "Aha!"  At last, he found a grey box with a little door on it. He reached out —
      "Hey! Don't touch that!"

COMMENTS:

1.  Engine Room—SECOND, Star—Good situation at the 150 mark propelled me forward.  The typo in graf one stopped me briefly, then I read past it.  A little bit of passive voice kept this one back a little.  And I love the word festooned. (BJ)

2.  <Mine> MR

3.  Author might consider swapping 1st and 2nd paragraphs around, so the 2nd becomes the 1st, thus providing setting immediately.  This one didn't grab me, the dumb character can't even understand the labels so the potential dramatic impact of his finding this queer machinery is wasted.  -DP

4.  >>Isn't that want maintenance is for?<< Shouldn't that want be what? >> The basement's dim lighting and rough concrete walls seemed cave-like, and it was damp.<< This would read more smoothly if you said "The basement's dim lighting and rough concrete walls seemed damp and cave-like."

This entry has better than average possibilities. I enjoyed reading it and was waiting for something interesting to happen, and it almost did. Too bad Dan couldn't have turned on the switch. But there's always some killjoy who wants to throw a monkey wrench into all the fun. -PD

5.  Engine Room—Makes first cut.  This story would have much more potential as a humor piece.  It could even be retitled along the lines of "Deus ex machina" and focus on the machinery behind the ills of the world (which, I believe, is where this one is headed).  Unfortunately, the writing isn't strong enough to carry this as it stands.  The setting is not defined nearly enough, nor is there any rationale for the mysterious door opening.  Sorry, no vote.  —Josh

6.  Not bad. Nothing special about the main character, but I'm intrigued by this mysterious engine room, and what exactly its the engine for! Maybe a label like "basic laws" will turn out a bit too obvious, if this is the engine room of the universe! Gold Star - KH

7.  Ooohh.  I like it.  Just the right amout of setting and character.  The main conflict, however, seems to unidentified at this point in time.  But...there is definitely sufficient grab to keep me reading.  I really like the "Cause-Effect Matrix".  Definitley a Gold Star.  Also, 2nd place.—DPii

8. A well done scene, and it made me curious as to what was going to happen next.  Very much like a mystery scene, at the beginning - it grabbed me too.  Strong characterization and very well done opener/plot. - Giedi

9. 2nd place.  Good narrative and description. - SG

10. 1st place GS Held my interest from start to finish. - Micha

Back to Index


THE FRONTIERS OF JUSTICE - David Gillon


      The gallows humour of cops working a murder scene echoed down to me as I climbed the stairs, but died away as I reached the landing.
      "Ma'am," DS Mick Toller said respectfully, coming out to greet me.
      "What have we got?" I asked.
      "Oh, it's murder," he answered, "absolutely no doubt - you really need to see for yourself."
      Not even the semi-warning could have prepared me for what I saw as I stepped through the door.
      "Jesus Christ," I whispered, the profanity all too appropriate. The victim had been crucified, arms nailed to the frame of an internal doorway.  Scourged was another word I remembered from RE and that fitted too. There was little skin left on his back.
      "Cause of death?" I asked.
      "We're waiting for the Home Office pathologist, but he bled out, I'm thinking."
      "There doesn't look to be enough damage to kill him."
      "You haven't see

[150 words]


      him from the front." Mick answered. "This way."
      A roundabout route got us into the bedroom through its other door. What I saw stopped me dead.
      "Me, I'm going to be sitting with my legs crossed for a week." Toller whispered into my ear.
      For the third time since I entered the flat I had to dredge up a word I'd never used professionally. The man had been emasculated, his genitalia ripped from his body. The big arteries in the thighs had gone too, blood sprayed across the bare wooden floor. Mick was right, the man had bled out, probably seconds after the wound was inflicted. But there was still something wrong with the picture.
      "Where's the blood?" I asked. "There should be more than this."
      "It seeped through the floorboards—People in the flat below called us when it started dripping onto their evening meal."

COMMENTS:

1.  The Frontiers of Justice—THIRD, Star—Some odd typos or word omissions I attributed to the reformatting I did.  What's an RE?  It started a little shaky—everyone seemed too jovial considering the scene's grossness.  The end caught me.  GAK! Some disgusting, possibly prurient, interest propelled me forward.  I don't know why, but I'd read on.  (BJ)

2.  <Part one: Interesting enough, but what's DS?  Or RE?  Sorry, but these unexplained terms put me off.> MR

3.  Tried hard, but delivered all the gory details like they were part of a shopping list, without any real effect.  Shrug, maybe it's an unemotional Brit policeman thing—maybe a little more reaction and inner thought is needed.  Saying "Jesus Christ" isn't profanity, it's blasphemy.  Saying it's profanity is probably blasphemy, too.  -DP

4.  >>"You haven't see [150 words] him from the front." Mick Shouldn't this be seen? Or maybe it should say, "You have to see him..."?

Other than the above the entry reads smoothly if a little to grizzly for my taste. I wouldn't choose to read this type of story. I just don't like blood and guts and this seems to have an overabundance of both. - PD

5.  The Frontiers of Justice—Despite a dreadfully cliche'd title and bumps in the form of the acronyms DS and RE, this one staggers past the first cut.  Moving on, it improves though there are far too many tyops.  Makes second cut.  Earns first place by default; slim pickins this month.  —Josh

6.  Reads like a good police procedural, and has a strong narrative voice; if I was in the mood for this kind of book, I'd definitely keep reading. Only missed first place, because I don't see any speculative element yet, not even a hint that this might be a future setting. Gold Star, Second Place - KH

7.  Gross.  Ahhh.  I can't like it because of the gore and the painful thoughts filling my head (being male).  Gross.  Nope.  No vote and I can't read any more.  Sorry.  Just not my thing.—DPii

8.  Read lots of Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, and Sherlock Holmes and this one, tho well written, didn't capture me as those others did.  Long past the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew stage - again not my cup of tea.  Clive Barker and King have done these type of stories lots. - Giedi

9.  1st place.  First the complaint, I know I'm only a dumb American but while I think DS stands for detective sergeant what does RE stand for?  Regent's Exam?  But the story and dialogue is among the best I have ever seen in my years reading entries here.  I especially loved the closing line. - SG

10.  Wow... blood, guts, gore, and stuff falling into people's plates in the flat below. <g> My only nit picks are, what is a 'DS' and what is an 'RE'? - Micha

Back to Index


NEW COMMAND - Don Poort


      Servius Galba towered over the weeping form of Rolph's mother, laughing as he pulled on his breeches and re-attached his large sword.  Rolph watched in enraged indecision.
      Do not use your special powers, she had warned.
      But after witnessing her rough treatment and hearing the screams and cries, he could no longer hold back.  He concentrated on the void and materialized behind Servius, grabbing him around the throat with strong arms.  Servius was no soldier and the silent, choking death came quickly.
      Rolph could see the surprise in his mother's green eyes.  She reached down and covered herself with the torn remnants of her gown.
      "Why have you done this?"
      "I'm sorry mother.  I could not let him live after seeing what he did to you."  Rolph knelt down and brushed back a stray hair from her brow.  Her eyes, still red with tears, softened.
      "You don't understand.  He is

[150 words]


      the commander of a legion of Roman soldiers.  And when he doesn't emerge from our hut?"  She let the question drop.  Rolph shrank back.  His mind raced as he contemplated his options.  Soon, a solution formed in his mind.
      "These barbarians killed father.  On my life, you will not die by their hands."
      A look of both fear and comprehension crossed her face.  "Rolph, you mustn't," she cautioned.
      "I am sorry."
      He turned and looked intently at the dead commander, reaching again for the void.  A familiar strangeness passed through him and then he turned with new eyes and regarded his mother.  She shrank back.
      "I love you," he said.  "I will return, but only after a debt has been paid by the Romans."
      Servius Galba walked through the front door to continue the rest of his new life.

COMMENTS:

1.  New Command —Star—Formal speech void of emotion considering the situation put me off, but I did read past 150.  Overall, the choppiness suggests it suffered because it needs to be a lot longer in the set up.  I'd also like to have more insight into the POV character's head.  I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling other the first graf where I was told he was enraged.  If he was so strong, he should have stepped in sooner.  Perhaps indecision is a key failing of this character—if so I'd like to see it built up a little.  Overall, I wasn't held emotionally, in spite of the situation being highly charged.  (BJ)

2.  <FIRST PLACE Part one: Well done.  I'm very interested in reading more.> <Part two: I like this tale, and would like to read the rest of it.  One nit: how does one get to be the commander of a legion of Roman soldiers if he's "no soldier" himself?> MR

3.  Happens far too quickly.  Needs more setting, more background, more character interaction, IMHO.  I'd suggest starting the scene earlier, so we see the baddie's arrival and what he does (all building up to Rolph's inability to prevent himself from taking action).  -DP

4.  >>Servius Galba towered over the weeping form of Rolph's mother, laughing as he pulled on his breeches and re-attached his large sword.<< As I read this the first time when I got to re-attached his large sword I wondered what did he re=attach it to? I know that wasn't the intention, but that's the way my mind worked.

>>Servius was no soldier and the silent, choking death came quickly.<< If he was no soldier, then what was he doing with a sword? Was he a camp follower? Was he an officer who was a political appointee? Was he just someone who took it upon himself to carry a sword and rape the neighborhood women? How did he get to be commander of a Roman legion without being a soldier?

Other than that I liked the story and that is more like what this entry is. It is more or less complete as it stands. Where do you go from here? Rolph has taken over the life of Servius, but how much has he assumed of the other man? How will he keep from giving himself away? Will his voice be the same? How about his language and choice of words? It takes more than looking like someone to be that person. And if Rolph does a good imitation of Servius what's to keep him from really becoming Servius? - PD

5.  New Command—Makes first cut despite several reservations.  Where is Rolph when it starts?  Why does he materialize behind the rapist?  Why would he wait until the rapist is done? So far, I don't think very highly of Ralph.  He's got another 150 words to redeem himself.  Second pass: Re-reading the first graf I can't help but giggle at the reference to Galba re-attaching his "large sword" after raping Rolph's mother.  Obviously, rape requires certain abilities in this universe which aren't needed in the here and now. <G> (I suspect, however, that an editor would definitely gig the story for it.) Reading on, I see Rolph has vast powers, indeed, which only make my earlier questions more relevant.  I'm also not confident in reading about the "commander" of a Roman legion who "wasn't a soldier."  Nor does the comment about the Romans being barbarians make sense.  (The word barbarian, btw, originated when Roman claimed the tribes of people living north of them spoke in such a way that their words came out sounding like "bar-bar.") Sorry, I can't vote for this.  —Josh

6.  Too abrupt a beginning for my taste. This would be a compelling situation even a few hundred words in, after we've been introduced to the characters; but I don't know enough about them yet to care.  The twist at the end might make me keep reading for a while yet. - KH

7.  Mine - Dpii

8.  Again nothing earthshattering happening here.  Again a so what story.  Haunted house - sorta like Legend of Hell house.  Ok. But nothing grabbed me here.  Also - another story not my cup of tea. - Giedi

9.  3rd place.  Interesting concept and I'd like to see where you take the idea of body hopping. - SG

10.  Neat twist on an age-old tale that made it fresh and interesting.  I really look forward to seeing more of this story.  Micha

Back to Index


SWORD AND SHIELD - BJ Galler Smith


      Gerwyn stabbed his fist at the air, then swept his arm in a broad backhanded circle to reach behind his shoulder and grasp the long sword's hilt. He visualized every stroke of an enemy's attack and practiced each step required to drive his blade deep into the soft flesh between an opponent's ribs. He thrust hard and pictured his adversary crumpling in a bloody heap.
      He finished the first round of his practice with grim satisfaction and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He'd be ready on Tournament Day, though no blood would be shed. He flourished his sword with a grin, then frowned.
      Lydia's father, hoping to wed her into one of the powerful wizard clans, had still refused his suit. For most competitors only honor and glory mattered, but for him it held more—the key to winning Lydia's hand and the right to assume his place beside

[150 words]


      the other lords in the King's Guard.
      Danel, Gerwyn's closest friend, had seen his tournament success in the entrails of the boar Gerwyn had slain a week ago. Youngest apprentice to Giles, Mage of Westbrook, Danel had true predictions with the same frequency he had false ones. Gerwyn wondered why the old mage kept the youth around—his magic was as cataclysmic for anyone within twenty feet as it was superb. This didn't bother the good natured Danel in the least; he remained eager and the Mage encouraged him.
      With Danel's support, Gerwyn hoped to win Lydia for his wife. Against all opposition, her father had chosen Murtagh the Sorcerer. Gerwyn had little chance.
      A foam-flecked horse galloped down the dusty path and skidded to a halt beside the practice arena.
      "Bad news, Gerwyn!" Danel cried. "Murtagh has kidnapped Lydia and raises an army against us!"

COMMENTS:

1.  Sword and Shield—Derek, this is all your fault.  I tried to take a boring modern sword and sorcery tale and turn it into a medieval fantasy S&S.  It didn't work as I'd planned at all—now I have a boring S&S BOC. (BJ)

2.  <THIRD PLACE Part one: So far, so good; there's enough interest to keep me reading.> <Part two: Why would Murtaugh kidnap the girl he would probably wed anyway? Doesn't make sense to me.  Otherwise I like this opening.> MR

3.  Liked this one, setup was handled well and there's promise of story to come.  FIRST.  -DP

4.  >>"Bad news, Gerwyn!" Danel cried. "Murtagh has kidnapped Lydia and raises an army against us!"<< If Murtagh has her father's blessing then why kidnap her? Who is the "us" Danel is talking about, just Gerwyn and himself, or the whole country? That last sentence just doesn't compute! - PD

5.  Sword and Shield—Seems like pretty standard fare, and though there is virtually no setting, it creaks past the first cut.  Second pass: New characters and more plot stuff but most everything is told; there's very little shown.  Sorry, no vote.  —Josh

6.  Reads like a standard medieval fantasy so far. Also, too many characters introduced too fast, with too little information about most of them. But I do like the brief description of the mage apprentice whose magic is as often a disaster as a success. I might read a little further. - KH

7.  Awesome.  This is great.  It introduces all the classical characters of a rousing Epic Fantasy adventure.  First Place.  Gold Star. - Dpii

8.  Now this is my cup of tea, but the reason I did not choose it as the top three because the pacing was not fast enough.  I did read to the end, but the extrapolation of this plot is sorta like the typical David and Goliath story.  David goes against monster, beats monster, and wins kingdom.  We need something here to make it fresh and have a new slant.  What it is, I don't know.  But I do know that this is my cup of tea kind of story - but I was disappointed that it was (to me) another typical romance story.  I want something interesting and new to grab my attention.  It's too typical a story for me, I dunno, I can't explain it other than it's the way I feel about this story.  It needs some spice, a dash of salt, and some good looking characters to get this story where it should be.  <shrug> - Giedi

9.  It's late so I'll keep it simple.  This just doesn't work or make sense for me.  The king's choice for his daughter's hand decides to kidnap and declare war instead? - SG

10.  I'm generally speaking a fantasy-preferred reader, but this one just didn't get me hooked.  I can't even think of why, it just didn't.  Sorry. - Micha.

Back to Index


WEBSTER HOUSE - Bill Allan


      "Please don't go, Mom."
      "It's my job, honey.  I can't not do my job just because you had a nightmare."
      "You're the boss, aren't you?  You can send someone else.  It won't hurt someone else."
      "Hurt someone?"
      "It was night.  I saw it hurt you!"
      "Oh, baby, gimme a hug and calm down.  . . . Where did all this wildness come from?"
      "Don't go!"
      "Caitlin, if I don't sell houses, we don't eat.  Okay?  And to sell Webster House I have to be in Woodville at eight o'clock tomorrow morning.  Now, there's no one else I can send, and I'm not driving all night, so I'll have to go up this afternoon and sleep over."
      "But my dream, it was real.  Webster House is alive, and it hates you."
      "Caitlin—"
      "Then I'm going, too!"

§

      The last embers of sunlight died on the horizon as Anna took the Woodville exit and turned onto

[150 words]


      a bumpy country road.  Caitlin jostled against her seatbelt, but the usually gregarious ten-year-old remained silent.
      That nightmare must have been terribly vivid.  Anna had no alternative but to pack another bag and bring Caitlin along.  She felt a chill, switched on the car's heater.
      "Cold, honey?"
      "Yeah, sort of, inside."
      And Anna realized she felt the cold in the same place.
      Five miles from the exit, they came to a private drive surrounded by sweeping trees.  A wrought iron gate lay open.
      Strange.  She thought she had the only set of keys to the mansion and grounds.
      Fifty yards past the gate, Webster House loomed before them.  She'd been here before, during the day, but wasn't prepared for the eerie look of the old place in moonlight.
      "I'm scared, Mom."
      "We'll be fine, honey."
      But now Anna felt even colder.  Inside.

COMMENTS:

1.  Webster House—The POV character needed to be established right away.  The talking heads at the beginning lost me.  I imagined Amityville Horror and couldn't take it seriously.  Very sorry.  (BJ)

2.  <Part one: Good start, but the haunted house is so cliche, you might have trouble selling it.  Unless there's something unique about this one...> <Part two: Tension is building nicely.  Keep it up, but note the caveat in my Part one comment.  This one was a close fourth place.> MR

3.  Two characters talking to each other—no setting, no background, no images.  Radio play.  The first page could be dropped without any loss, IMHO, so the story begins, "The last embers of sunlight died on the horizon..."  -DP

4.  This is a good start. I find nothing wrong with the words, but I wouldn't be tempted to read on. There is no indication of what these people look like or who they are. Is Caitlin a child or teenager? The answer to that would change who and what age Anna is. At 25 she would be a lot more gung ho for the business than she would be at 40. Does she own the business? If so why would she go herself? - PD

5.  Webster House—Could use an action tag or two.  Makes first cut.  Second pass: this reads like pretty standard horror stuff.  I can't find anything to really keep me reading.  Sorry, no vote.  —Josh

6.  Creepy! And well written. I'd like a teeny bit more set-up to the characters, maybe even just in the form of a few prose beats in the opening dialog. But I'd definitely read on. Third Place, Gold Star - KH

7.Interesting.  Not good enough to keep me reading.  Probably mostly because it is not my type of story (haunted house, etc.).  Sorry.—DPii

8.  Not as strong "characterization wise" as the first two - but the curious plot made up for it and the plot (rather than any sort of characterization captured me) - Giedi

9.  Mom let's daughter just decide to go with her?  She can drive it in the afternoon but it would take all night?  How did she get this commission anyway if she's based that far away from the house for sale?  Why are they staying at the house instead of a motel in Woodville proper?  OK, if they stay at the motel the ghosties can't get them, but still. - SG

10.  Honorable mention, GS Caught my interest and would have made me turn the page.  I liked the interaction between mother and child it felt 'real'. - Micha

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SON OF DESTINY - Derek Paterson


      Brekan son of Brekan, Chieftain of Clanh Makdoor, got up off the rock he'd been sitting on and went to the cavern entrance, where a dozen Makdoor had gathered to play their pipe-bags.
      "ENOUGH!" he screamed, and one by one the Makdoor stopped playing.  Their deflating pipe-bags gave off wailing cat noises before becoming silent.
      Brekan nodded, satisfied.  "That is better," he said.  "How can a man be expected to think with that damned noise going on ten paces away?"
      He turned and stamped back into the cavern, where the old man and the young boy waited for him.  The old man was frowning, his bushy white eyebrows drawn together.  The flaxen-haired boy was smiling at Brekan's outburst.
      "Now, perhaps we can talk," Brekan said, planting his rear upon the rock again.  "You say this lad is the son of Oegdan, and he's part of the foretelling.

[150 words]


      I'll gladly accept your word, Maklean my friend, but how will I convince my people?"
      "You are Chieftain," the old man said.  His wheezing voice was the result of a sword cut to the throat he'd received in his youth.  "They will obey you."
      Brekan rubbed his jaw.  "Well now, there's the thing.  Here we are, outlaws in our own land, being hunted down by the Sennack and their allies, the Kambael."  He took a moment to spit into the small fire burning at the back of the cave, careful to miss the soup pot balanced on four corner stones.  "Some of the young warriors blame our misfortune on my leadership.  They are hardly likely to pay heed to talk of some near-forgotten legend."
      Maklean rose to his feet, leaning heavily upon his staff.
      "You dare dismiss Soulkeeper's prophecy of doom as 'some near-forgotten legend' do you, Brekan Makdoor?"

COMMENTS:

1.  Son of Destiny—The pacing needs some active verbs to spice it up and make it move.  I wondered about the POVC.  At the 150 mark, I'd stop reading, mainly because the phrasing didn't engage me.  Good luck with a sword adventure market.  (BJ)

2.  <Part one: Not enough here to draw me in.  Sorry.> MR

3.  Outside of strangely spelled words, I find nothing wrong with this opening. I read all the way through hoping to find something that would lead me to read on. I was vaguely disappointed and left with a feeling of wishing there had been more to it. Still I think if there had been more I would have read on just to find out about the prophecy of doom. That is a poor excuse to read a story though IMO. - PD

4.  Son of Destiny—Makes first cut, despite the trite title, on the basis of mechanics, but I'm wondering why a pipe band would be practicing in a cavern.  Acoustics, maybe?  Second pass: It's getting better, but author should seriously look into contractions to smooth the dialog.  Makes 2nd cut.  Earns 2nd place honors.  —Josh

5.  Not sure what to make of this one. It seemed at first, from the description of the chief shutting up the bagpipes, and planting his "rear" on a rock, that it might be heading for stone-age humor, which would be refreshing.  But then the humor sort of fades away and it looks like turning into a commonplace stone age fantasy. At this point I can't tell even who the main character might be, or where the true conflict lies, so no vote, sorry. - KH

6.  Sorry—didn't work for me at all.  The bagpipes scene at the beginning added nothing to the intrigue.  There seemed to be no set up for the old man freaking out at a simple comment.  Also, a lot of names for an opening...confused me a bit. <shrug>.  No vote—DPii

7.  Very much like a Jean Auel novel.  Not my cup of tea.  All they are doing is just talking.  How important can that be.  Not a big deal opener in my opinion.  Nothing grabbed me here. - Giedi

8.  Son of Destiny: Call them bagpipes please, pipe-bags is a needless distraction IMHO when you're making them sound and act the same.  Secondly, if I were Breken ben Breken I'd leap at "some near forgotten legend" if it would help me keep hold on power. - SG

9.  Didn't catch or hold my interest. -Micha

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GOING TO MARS - Phyllis Davis


      "Now what am I going to do?" Doreen asked.
      "What's the problem?" her Mother, Chastity asked trying to look helpful.
      "Everything is just falling apart," Doreen said glowering at her Mother like it was all her fault.
      "I'm sure you will figure out what to do, if you just put your mind to it!"
      "Yeah, sure I can! What makes you think so?"
      "Because you are an intelligent young woman. You can figure out anything you really put your mind to!"
      "Really? Do you really think so?"
      "Of course I do! Now what's bothering you?"
      Doreen walked across her Mother's kitchen and pulled out one of the big chrome plated chairs and sat down on it. Leaning her elbows on the grey laminated surface of the table she placed each finger of her left hand with careful deliberation against the fingers of her right hand.
      "My application to the Mars expedition

[150 words]

has been turned down!"
      "Why?" Chastity asked looking surprised.
      "They said because I have some rare genetic disorder and I'm a female."
      "When you were being planned, I said specifically no diseases or genetic disorders of any kind," Chastity said pulling her lips together until a white line rimmed them.
      "Nevertheless, that's what they said."
      "Did they tell you what this rare disease or disorder or whatever it is, is? Is it liable to be fatal?"
      "No, they didn't. You know they are. They won't tell you anything. All they would say is that because of it, I couldn't be considered even as a backup."
      "Well, I'm not going to stand for it! I ordered no diseases or disorders of any kind and I'm going to fight this blatant disregard of my wishes!"
      "I hope you can get somewhere with them, I certainly couldn't."
      "Never fear! I will!"

COMMENTS:

1.  Going to Mars—I didn't understand why Doreen glowered.  It made her an unlikeable person to whom I couldn't relate.  Some rough punctuation and awkward constructions.  The premise is interesting, but the characters seem a little too wooden.  Sorry.  (BJ)

2.  <Part one: Too many exclamation points deadens this opening, and in any case, a mother-daughter chat does not interest me enough to read any more.> MR

3.  Two characters talking to each other—no setting, no background, no images.  Radio play.  The first page could be dropped without any loss, IMHO, so the story begins, "My application to the Mars expedition has been turned down!"  What's said after this point makes no sense.  Sorry, thumbs down, this one needs reworked before it would catch and hold my attention.  -DP

4.  Mine - PD

5.  Going to Mars—Makes first cut on mechanics, but the dialog is pretty clunky.  Better to start with the girl throwing her rejection slip on the table—or making some other gesture.  Readers respond to action before they respond to words.  Movement, of almost any kind, helps to set the scene.  The business with Doreen putting her fingers carefully together really work; it's more the gesture of a calculating banker than a young woman in the throes of despair.  Sadly, the dialog in the second half doesn't improve.  There are three problems here, and the characters can't seem to prioritize them.  1) Doreen has been turned down for the Mars mission. 2) Doreen has just learned she has a fatal genetic disorder.  3) Whoever put Doreen's genes together ignored Mom's orders.  How can these characters put items 1 and 3 ahead of item 2?  My vote goes away with the credibility.  Sorry, no vote.  —Josh

6.  Opens with a long segment of "canned" dialog. I get little sense of the personalities or even the relationship of mother and daughter; and there's not the smallest indication even of what the daughter is complaining about, until the 150 word mark. No vote, sorry. - KH

7.  What is a herelbow? <gg> OK.  So she was genetically engineered.  That's about the only thing of interest.  I think the conflict (into academy or not) is no big conflict.  Certainly wouldn't keep me reading.  Don't know.  Just didn't work.  The almost all dialog option was interesting, though.  No vote, though.—DPii

8. Read lots of these in high school.  I think it's a typical Young Adult type of a plot or story.  Again, not my cup of tea.  And what's the big deal about failing an application to Mars expedition?  I've applied to lots of things and have been turned down.  So what?  Nothing grabbed me here. - Giedi

9.  What is this story about?  Doreen's disappointment or is it her lack of self-confidence?  Anti-female prejudice in the space program of the future?  Chastity's fury over her shopping order being messed up?  Overcoming bureaucratic roadblocks?  Pregnancy in an age of test tube babies?  Come on about three hundred words and I don't have a clue? - SG

10.  Has potential, yet doesn't quite grab me.  I think were I the person applying to go to Mars and were informed I had a 'rare disease or disorder' I'd darn skippy be finding out what it was... - Micha


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