July 2001 BOC Results
The July BOC Results are in!
Let's hear it for our monthly winners, and none other than the fabulously talented Josh Langston for snagging first! And congrats to Mark Rudden with a close second place, and David Gillon and BJ Galler-Smith for sharing third. And finally, a round of applause for everyone who entered or voted. Huzzah!!! the crowd roars its approval
The point totals:
Title Author 1st 2nd 3rd GS Voted? Total Points *Horizon's* Child Josh Langston 0 4 2 5 Y 23 The Return Mark Rudden 1 1 2 4 Y 18 The Last Raider David Gillon 0 2 2 4 Y 17 Astonishing Adams BJ Galler-Smith 2 2 0 2 Y 17 Replay Derek Paterson 1 0 2 4 Y 16 Perfect Skin Sophia Ahmed 2 0 0 2 Y 13 Never Underestimate Lynn Fernandez 2 0 0 1 Y 11 Hraralin's Baby Phyllis Davis 1 0 0 2 Y 10 (no entry) Micha Moeders * * * * Y 3 (no entry) Karen Hayes * * * * Y 3
Your BOC Adminatrix,
LisIndex Replay - Derek Paterson
Hraralin's Baby - Phyllis Davis
The Return - Mark Rudden
Perfect Skin Set The World On Fire - Sophia Ahmed
*Horizon's* Child - Josh Langston
The Last Raider - David Gillon
Astonishing Adams and the Great Bustard - BJ Galler-Smith
Never Underestimate - Lynn Fernandez
Replay - Derek Paterson
Dad had been acting kinda funny all morning. I thought maybe he was nervous. That was only to be expected, since the Clean Fission Plant he'd designed was going live today.
There were a couple hundred people there, politicians and officials from the World Power Executive, along with their families. Some of them said hello to Dad, and the way they spoke told me how important he was. A woman asked if I was his son. Dad smiled nervously. Then the World President started making a speech and everyone forgot about me. Dad looked relieved. He took me to one side and went down on one knee beside me. "Listen, Alvin," he said. "There's something you gotta know."
"What is it, Dad?" I asked, feeling a little panicky.
"You're not like other little boys. In fact—" He drew in a deep breath. "In fact, you're not really a little boy
[150 words] at all. I created you, Alvin. I pasted your nuclei together, bombarded them with sub-particles, and grew you in a nutrient tank."
I shook my head, not understanding, though I knew what the words meant. My education had leaned toward the physical sciences.
"I know it's hard for you to accept, but we'll deal with your feelings later," he said. "Something's going to happen in a few minutes, Alvin. Something very important. I've brought you here so you can help me stop it from happening." He looked back over his shoulder. "You see that little girl over there?" I followed his gaze and saw her. She was my age, pretty, with blonde curls. She was standing with a tall, beautiful woman. They were holding hands.
"Yes."
Dad wiped sweat from his forehead. "That's my daughter. When the reactor overloads, I want you to get her out of here."COMMENTS:
1. Replay - Third. The sudden revelation of what Alvin was put me off this; it happened very quickly and we didn't see Alvin's emotional reaction to it. I think a child who had just been told something like this would be alarmed and trying to comprehend it, and would at best notice only the presence of the girl and the woman, and perhaps their height difference, but not details of their physical appearance. However, the hint of imminent action at the end would keep me reading. — SA
2. Mine. If enough people vote for it, I may finish the tragic tale of the Little Radioactive Boy and his pet puppy, Pooper, and upload to Lib 18. -DP
3. <Part 1: FIRST PLACE I like it and an drawn in. This will be a difficult POV to keep up without getting annoying, however. Good luck!> <Part 2: Still quite interesting, and I'd certainly like to read more.> - MR
4. This is an interesting enough opening, but it lacks a bit in the logic department. There's an old saying, "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck then it's a duck!" The same thing could be said about Alvin. Regardless of his genesis, whether he started life in the normal way, or some other way, for all practical purposes he's a boy! According to the internal logic of this opening, all babies that were conceived outside the mother's body are not babies.
Now going on to the little girl, is she not a girl because she was built the same way Alvin was? Is the woman she is with her birth mother or just someone hired to take care of the little girl?
Finally, how does he know there is going to be an explosion? Did he invent the station and thus knows it's going to explode? Is he going to be killed along with everyone else who is there? Is it a plot he has devised to assassinate everyone? If so why save the little girl and Alvin? Why not let them die too, or insist that children not be in attendance?
Aside from those complaints, it's an interesting enough story, just sadly lacking in logic. PD
5. Replay: Well this doesn't work for me because I feel there is an inconsistency with Alvin's age and comprehension. Also I have to ask why didn't he know his "sister" I thought that telling Alvin the truth at that moment was to unbelievable. Why wouldn't his father have warned his daughter and her mother. No vote LF
6. Replay—Makes first cut despite being heavily laced with stative verbs. Makes second pass, although my credulity is severely strained by the direction of the plot. Gets an honorable mention. —Josh
7. Replay—Gold star—Too much happens too fast and the setting and POV character need more development. If all this happened just before the action starts, and we learn his background as we go, rather than as pace-slowing narrative, it might work. Maybe show Dad begging him to save the little girl, and then the meltdown. He can find out she's his sister later. (BJ)
8. Interesting. I read easily through both sections. The only things that bothered me were 'dad' telling Alvin he wasn't a real child and Alvin not knowing he had a sister of sorts. - Micha
9. I quite like the way this reads, but to my mind it has three fundamental problems. One is largely a matter of taste, I really don't like omni-competent scientists who turn their hand to any science at will, no matter how unrelated to their own field it may be - in this case a physicist turning biologist/geneticist (and does he mean cell nuclei or atomic nuclei when he talks about the vat?). Secondly is the hidden history sprung on the protagonist - 'you're not really my son, or anyone's son, and I have a daughter I've kept hidden from you all these years, but I want you to trust me despite your whole life being a lie'. Thirdly, these things just don't happen. First flights of aircraft aren't really first flights, reactor commissionings aren't really throwing the on switch for the first time and so on. If the potential for disaster or even just embarrassment exists then you try it out before the VIPs get close and you had better be able to convince the external auditors that everything is in order and safe before you ever consider throwing that on switch. Not all of these would be a problem to every reader, but they are to me. DG
10. In general, a nice setup for something big about to happen, with just enough info on setting and characters, and a good kid voice. The last line is very effective. "when the reactor overloads, I want you to get her out of here." BUT—and this is a big one— I really have trouble believing that Dad would choose this, of all moments in the universe, to break the news to Alvin that he's not a real boy! Maybe Dad could have told Alvin last night, and Alvin's thinking about it this morning? Gold Star, third place - KH
Hraralin's Baby - Phyllis Davis
Hraralin awoke to the pungent smell of smoke. Heart thumping wildly, she struggled from the bed.
"Chaz? What's happening?" she asked mentally.
"The house is afire," he replied trying to stay calm.
"Oh, no Chaz! Do something!" she screamed.
"Stay calm Beloved, I'll take care of it," his tone soothed her agitation.
Running out the door, he grabbed a bucket to get water from the nearby stream. Halfway to the stream the rank odor of humans milling around in his yard filled his nose.
When the humans realized he was in their midst they started screaming foul curses. Picking up stones and clods of dirt, they pelted him with them.
He sprinted toward the stream, thinking to Hraralin, "I'll try to keep their attention on me, get out of the house while you can and hide."
"Chaz needs me, I've got to go help him!" Hraralin thought.
"Don't be foolish
[150 words] Beloved, you must protect the baby."
"Oh, gods," she prayed. "Protect my baby! Let her live in a peaceful world!"
Moving as fast as she could, she darted out the door and ran to hide inside the grove of big old oak trees growing beside the house. Watching from her hiding place, she saw the humans replace stones and dirt with spears and with bows and arrows.
In the flickering light of the fire, she saw blood start to flow down Chaz's chest and arms where arrows and spears lodged in his torso. She could see the maniacal hatred in the faces of the men who fired arrow after arrow into his magnificent body.
"Run Beloved!" Chaz screamed a mental warning. "Run!" he screamed aloud and she knew she would never hear him speak again.
Hraralin ran! She needed to protect their baby!COMMENTS:
1. Hraralin's Baby - POV shifts from Hraralin to Chaz throughout the opening need to be tidied up. The sense of urgency is maintained well, but the constant use of exclamation marks when Hraralin was talking/thinking, and especially those in the final narrator's sentences, became irritating, and put me off reading on. — SA
2. The telepathy was clunky, but events still earn this opening 1ST PLACE and GOLD STAR. I hope the courageous humans catch the alien scum! -DP
3. <Part 1: I'd like to know what kind of creature our heros are, but other than that, This is fairly engaging.> <Part 2: This got a big cheezy towards the end, and I still don't know what our heros are. No vote.> - MR
4. In the original version of this story, Hraralin and Chaz are centaurs. Unfortunately, in the process of rewriting it, that fact got lost in the shuffle. I apologize for that oversight! Mine PD
5. Hraralin's Baby: I think I would have liked the term telepathically instead of mentally. This is another story about prejudice. I think I need to be more involved with the family. We are brought into the middle of a conflict but I don't really care about the characters yet. No vote. LF
6. Hraralin's Baby—Wish I could pronounce that name. This one's a bit too melodramatic for me, but I'll read on just to prove I'm not completely insensitive. Makes first pass. Unfortunately, the level of melodrama only grows. Hubby dies rather than lead the angry mob away from his presumably pregnant wife? Either the setting isn't well enough developed to explain why; he lacks motivation, or he's just stupid. Can't say any of those options appeals to me. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
7. Hraralin's Baby—I found the action line a little confusing. I wondered about the baby, where was it? On the second reading I realized Hrar was only pregnant. Point of view shift to Chaz then back again. The milieu/setting confused me. What sort of creatures were they to be attacked so vilely by humans? Chaz seemed rather stupid to grab a small bucket and run to the stream to put out a house fire—they should have both tried to escape at once. Just didn't work for me, sorry. (BJ)
8. What a name! I still can't pronounce it. <g>
Beloved seems a rather weak spouse for Chaz who strikes me a strong, self-reliant being.
What kind of mother even in a panic needs to be told to save their child from a burning house? Sorry, even though I read it through this one needs work. Micha
9. This definitely suffers from an excess of exclamation marks!!! And in other places a lack of necessary commas. I'm quite willing to overlook those to judge the story itself, unfortunately it also has dialogue that I just can't believe in. Maybe I'm growing old and cynical, but I can't take a character who says 'Stay calm Beloved' seriously. Having telepathic characters is fair enough, but I think you need to give some definite thought to separating thought from mental speech, there's at least one instance here where a sentence could be either and we don't find out until the end. I'd also question the need for both italics and speech marks to distinguish telepathic speed, I'd settle on just one of them. Plotwise it looks a little derivative at the moment, there's certainly a John Wyndham story in similar territory, might be 'The Chrysalids' but I can't swear to it. There's certainly no rule to say you can't work over ground others have ploughed before, but you do need to establish that you're doing something different with it fairly quickly. DG
10. This could be an exciting situation, but the treatment is rather cliched, and there's no characterization at all, just stock family-in-panic dialog. And you don't give the smallest hint of just what kind of non-human creatures these people are. Also, watch for switches in viewpoint. You switch between Chaz's POV and Hraralin's POV a couple of times in this one scene. - KH
The Return - Mark Rudden
Trumpets in the distance. The sound of horses galloping. These are the things locals here in the south England town of Cambert have reported, and
"Ah, crud." Mary selected the text she'd written and savagely hit the laptop's delete key. Everything she wrote today was crud. She sat back against the tree and looked around the ruins, really just overgrown rocks now. Local legend claimed that this was once the site of legendary Camelot, but almost every village in south England had similar legends.
Though her deadline for the Alternative News loomed, Mary put the computer into standby mode and wandered around. When the earth started moving, her California girlhood took over and she ran for open space. The jumbled boulders burst the weeds that choked them and actually seemed to grow sharp corners. Then they grew upward, block upon block. She stood dumbfounded as walls, towers, and even a
[150 words]
moat appeared, all in a few moments.
Pennants fluttered in the breeze on the battlements as Mary stumbled forward and knelt by the moat. She dipped her hand into the water. It felt cool and wet, and certainly real.
"This has to be a dream," she thought out loud. "But I might as well write it down and sell a great story in my dream."
"If it's a dream, love, I'm havin' it too." Mary turned and saw a man staring wondrously up at the castle. Far behind him, just coming in view of the castle, some children were jumping up and down and pointing, and other people started gathering.
"This wasn't here a few days ago," said the man.
"It wasn't here a few minutes ago," Mary replied.
A great groan came from within the castle, followed by a grinding noise. The drawbridge was coming down.COMMENTS:
1. The Return - Nice idea, but the jump from Mary wandering around, to the earth moving, was much too smooth considering the drama of the event. Also, her reaction to it doesn't seem right. I would expect her to be little less coherent in her thoughts, and for her journalist's instincts to kick in a bit more. As it is, she seems much too laid back; telling us she is dumbfounded wasn't enough. Also, 'south-western England' would ring a little truer than 'south England' in terms of villages having local Camelot legends (or southern Wales, or central-south-west England, being really picky...) Possibly, only some British readers would think of it as a glitch, so ignore me . (I live in a village in the south of England, and suggesting Camelot was anywhere around here just sounds wrong.) —SA
2. Competent writing but content and presentation didn't appeal to me. -DP
3. <Mine> - MR
4. The only thing I'd change is the last sentence. I'd make it, "The drawbridge started coming down."
This is one of the best openings I've read in a while. Is there really a town named Cambert in England? PD
5. The Return: No wonder the author deleted the opening paragraph. Didn't need to tell me that she savagely hit the delete key. There was no other way to hit the key. Actually I found the opening graph offputting. I've found a that that needs removing. If you can read a sentence without the word that and it still makes sense then the that can be removed. This really feels like a first draft. I see lots of words that could be removed. Lots of sentences, too. I don't really need to know she's from California, do I? And what about this "If it's a dream, love..." this might be bordering on cliche. No vote. LF
6. The Return—Hmm. A tad too convenient, but makes first pass. Makes second pass. Finishes third. —Josh
7. The Return—Second and Gold star—Some clunky and awkward phrases hurt this. The California girlhood thing didn't work for me—few quakes there are so big. I think she'd be scared or disoriented, like everybody else. >>...she thought out loud.<< Should be she said <G>. Where did all the people come from? It appeared she was totally alone at the site. Who's the man? He too should have known it wasn't there a couple of minutes ago and they should all be showing a lot more shock. Nevertheless, it's a nifty idea and I'd read on. (BJ—born and raised in California quake country)
8. >>"This has to be a dream," she thought out loud. "But I might as well write it down and sell a great story in my dream."<<
Until this line I was completely hooked. I honestly think au needs to inject a bit more reaction to a castle complete with moat suddenly appearing out of the ground. Sorry, no vote. - Micha
9. This is great, there are definite possibilities here. There are really only a couple of things I'd comment on. 'South England' sounds strange to a Brit, we'd say "Southern England'. There are quite a few places that do claim to be Camelot, but it isn't quite every village, there are a few prime candidates such as Tintagel and it goes as far North as York which definitely isn't Southern England. IIRC the Welsh also have a few claims of their own. I'd definitely expand the re-emergence (recognizing that word limits may have forced a contraction for the BOC) and work in a few other senses along the way. It's over too quickly as it stands, you need to build up to it and make it a little more mystical IMO. I've been looking for a chance to use 'numinous' today and that would be a good target to aim for when reworking this. My third place for the month. DG
10. Not bad! I'd definitely read on enough to find out what happens next when that drawbridge hits dirt. I like your little trick in the opening, what starts like a medieval fantasy quickly reveals as someone trying to write about medieval fantasy. In a full length story, I'd like a little more development of Mary and her setting, as she wanders around, before the ground starts to shake. Needs a less obvious title, though, if this is a Camelot story. Gold Star - KH
Perfect Skin Set The World On Fire - Sophia Ahmed
Adele sat quietly, her legs crossed, her face turned to the window. The rain was falling more heavily now, the drumming sound deadened only slightly by the reinforced panels in the roof. Dan slowed the car, and watched carefully as the tyres sent up a spray of surface water, temporarily obscuring his view of the darkened street ahead. He sighed inwardly. The car was too hot after the argument, too stuffy, and he itched to roll down the window and savour the cold night air.
They slowed again, approaching the corner. Through the downpour, Dan could see another mob gathering down the street to their left. A small, makeshift fire lit up grim faces; all looked angry; all of them were human. Dan drove on, cautiously.
A burst of static sounded in his ear. Dan listened to the message, and after a minute, he snorted, and shook his head.
Adele
[150 words] turned, and looked at him. "What?"
"A publicist just turned up at the Director's office. He's asking for you."
"Who is it?"
"Tom McCabe."
"My, my." She paused, and smoothed the bottom of her dress over her thigh, looking at him out of the corner of her eye. "Isn't he ingenious? I wonder how he found out I was going there, after all your little...precautions?" She raised an eyebrow as he turned to her, and smiled merrily at him. "Although he hardly needs me on his books. Some people are never content with their level of fame, are they?"
Dan smiled back, reassured by her return to form that she was, at least, back under her own control. "Yes, it's curious isn't it, how far some people are prepared to go? What level of fame would you be content with, Adele?"
"I'll tell you when I reach it, Daniel."COMMENTS:
1. Competent writing but the counterpoint of their current situation vs. someone wanting to talk to Adele turned me off, the latter sucking dramatic energy from the former. -DP
2. <Part 1: Aside from the inference that there are inhuman people around, nothing here interests me; I fear that's not enough to make me turn the page. Nice title, though.> - MR
3. What does the title have to do with anything said in this opening?
The rain falling on the roof led me to believe Adele was in a house, then came the tyres and I realized she was in a car.
I wasn't exactly sure who was the POV character, until Dan itched to open the windows.
Who or what is the Director? Is it just some company or the whole country that he directs? Why should I care about him? Who is Tom McCabe? Why should I care about him? What is he going to do to Adele?
Will Adele ever reach the level she wants?
These are all questions that need answering, I'm just not sure I'm interested enough to keep reading long enough to find out. PD
4. Perfect Skin Set the World on Fire: It took me a while to realize she was in a car. Perhaps some rearrangement might make this passage clearer. A few less words might help. No vote LF
5. Perfect Skin—Interesting mood achieved here. Makes first pass. Second pass reveals solid writing, but leaves me wondering what's going on. The hook is so subtle it's nearly invisible. Gold star, but alas, no vote. —Josh
6. Perfect Skin Set The World On Fire—Gold star—Not enough indication of who Adele is, and why the mention of humans was significant. I need to know more the who/where/when milieu of the story. The first half moves along well, but the second half lost me in the dialog which didn't seem to advance the tension set up early. Sorry (BJ)
7. Hate the title and didn't get the story. <sighs> I must be off tonight but it didn't seem to be going anywhere. Micha
8. Now this is intriguing, and very nicely written. I especially like the way the first paragraph invokes a feeling of tension within the car almost without touching on the two characters. There's a very subtle indication that we are in spec-lit territory by the need to mention that all of the fire-lit faces are human. We are only given hints that there is a larger story than just two people in a car, but the balance of these is pretty much perfect, just giving us enough to draw us on into the story. Dan isn't really much more than a cipher as yet, maybe that needs work, maybe not, but Adele is starting to develop in interesting ways. Very promising. My first place for the month. DG
9. Great stuff! Even though I'm not yet sure what the story's going to be about, there's such a lot going on here, and it's so well written that I'm more than willing to stick around and find out just who these people are, what kind of fame they're talking about, and what the mobs are so angry at. The descriptive beats in your dialog are especially vivid. Teeny quibble, I don't know how to sigh "inwardly" I'd strike the adverb. Gold Star, first place - KH
Horizon's Child - John Langston
Everything was automatic; it had to be. Even if she were awake, the little ship's only passenger would be powerless to effect the journey. After a last check of the hastily assembled systems, the crew of Horizon bid farewell to their messengers, both human and microbial, and launched them back toward Earth.§
"Senator Jones?"
Catherine looked up from the glossy photo on her desk but said nothing.
"Are you feeling all right, Senator?"
Catherine ignored the question and looked back down at the photo. If she hadn't known better, she would have sworn it was a picture of Susan, but of course that couldn't be.
"I hate to intrude, Senator, but—"
Catherine waved her executive assistant away and concentrated on the face in the photo. Susan's hair was darker, her nose a bit upturned. Susan's mouth was— Catherine paused, suddenly unable to remember Susan's mouth. Had she been dead that
[150 words] long? What in hell kind of mother forgot something like that?
"The Judiciary Committee meets in twenty minutes, Senator. You—"
"Give the Chairman my regrets," Catherine said, "then get Admiral Jaffee on the phone."
"Of course."
She spared the man a quick glance. "Is this the only photo that came in?"
He nodded.
"No message?"
"Just the picture," he said, "and it's been given extremely limited distribution—federal officials only, otherwise it'd already be on the grid. The media love that sort of thing."
Catherine stared at him. "What sort of thing? It's a photo of an unknown child, probably an orphan. Half the kids on the planet are orphans these days. There's nothing unusual about that."
"Except when the photo arrives via broadcast from space."
Catherine puffed out her cheeks. "Yeah. There's that."COMMENTS:
1. Horizon's Child - Second. I'm a little confused about what is going on in the first paragraph, and how it relates to the rest of the opening. I would read on for a while though to find out. The final parts of the conversation about the media don't quite ring true, and sound like the author is telling the reader this information (I would expect a Senator to know why they'd be interested in this photo.) —SA
2. The first section is a story in itself, and IMHO either needs fully expanded, or dropped because it's just a distraction that takes attention from the second section. 2ND PLACE and GOLD STAR for the second, competently written, section. -DP
3. <Part 1: SECOND PLACE Nit: aren't microbes passengers? Not enough here to really pull me in.> <Part 2: I peeked ahead anyway. Second part is much better than the first. I suggest that the author re-arrange things to make the broadcast from space revelation end the first page, it's a much better hook.> - MR
4. >>. Even if she were awake, the little ship's only passenger would be powerless to effect the journey.
Word likes the word affect in this sentence. I do too, but can't come up with a logical reason other than the differences between the two words, affect and effect. Affect means to influence, or have an effect on. Effect means to achieve or cause. Since she is unconscious, she is not able to influence the journey; therefore the proper word is affect.
>>. After a last check of the hastily assembled systems, the crew of Horizon bid farewell to their messengers, both human and microbial, and launched them back toward Earth.<<
You have a crew of a ship sending out messengers. This says the crew is alien, and yet they are launching their messengers back toward Earth? Have these aliens been visiting Earth and are sending back messengers? Since you say the messengers are both human and microbial, it doesn't sound like they are friendly aliens. I think, I would decide who the crew of the ship are, and then quite possibly take out the word back. Make it just "launched them toward Earth."
>>Catherine puffed out her cheeks. "Yeah. There's that."<<
I can't imagine how Catherine puffed out her cheeks. I tried to do it and then tried to say yeah. It didn't work. To be fair it also didn't work when I tried to say yes.
In as much as Catherine is an educated woman and uses proper English up to that point, I cannot accept that she would say "Yeah. There's that." I would say, "Yes, there is that!" But that's just me. It seems to me that since she is speaking to her aide that she wouldn't use the slangy yeah, and that she would say there is rather than there's.
There's nothing intrinsically wrong with the words, they just don't feel right coming from someone who is obviously intelligent and educated. How did I arrive at that conclusion? She is a Senator and no one would elect a person who wasn't educated and intelligent.
Other than that I enjoyed this opening and would like to find out what happens next. PD
5. Horizon's Child: I sort of liked the opening graf. Although a part of me thought of Superman. There is some internal conflict with the Senator. I assume the hook at 150 is that the Senator had daughter who was about the same age as this incoming child. That wasn't enough to make me read on. No vote LF
6. Horizon's Child—Utter crap. - Josh
7. Horizon's Child—Gold star—There's a hint of something about to happen to the space traveler, but I wanted more sense of milieu, especially for the Senator's office. The assistant was bodiless and I'm uncertain the three rebuffs were necessary. Talking heads didn't provide me with a sense of character for either one, and the conflict for the senator wasn't clear. Sorry. (BJ)
8. Interesting. I read it, and then re read it wishing for more. Micha
9. 'Affect' is the verb, 'effect' isn't! (Pet peeve!)
With one big proviso I like this. The writing is fine (although I wouldn't punctuate around the couple of sentences of inner monologue where you use '*'s, they aren't any different to the other pieces of inner monologue we have here. I'd question being able to keep something like this concealed if you distribute it down to 'federal officials', which could cover anyone on the federal payroll. I'd suggest Special Access clearance for this kind of thing (which basically means having security clearance up the wazoo and being specifically listed for access to a particular project/piece of information). You might want to consider moving Catherine out of the Senate and making her part of the Executive branch, say Secretary or Undersecretary level, that would make her more likely to be on the distribution list. Okay, minor quibbles done, time for the big proviso - lose the first paragraph! All it achieves here is diluting the effect of the second last sentence, everything it tells us can be told later in the story. My second place for the month. DG
10. The little prologue is too short—you should either expand it a good bit, or get rid of it. The opening scene is fine, with some nice suggestive hints both about Catherine's bereavement and the troubles in the world with all those orphans. I think it might be a bit stronger if her assistant were a person, not just an anonymous face—we're in her POV, and surely he's not anonymous to her! Gold Star - KH
The Last Raider - David Gillon
"Dammit, Jenny—help me with him?"
"Hey, just 'cause he's my brother doesn't mean I have to change him! Have you smelled that stuff!"
"I'm smelling it now—and I smelled it when you were his age"
"Oh, right, hit me with the parental guilt thing! See if I care!"
"Now listen to me, Young Lady! I have no intention of putting up with this kind of attitude, either you...."
The viewscreen's trilling wail stopped the argument dead.
"At least get the 'phone," Karin asked, too busy fielding a six week old who thought squirming helped.
"Chalmers Residence," Jenny announced as the screen lit, "Oh, hello, Commodore Martens."
"Hello, Jenny," the Commodore answered, "I need to speak to the Commander."
Karin's attention had locked onto the screen the moment she heard the familiar voice, she lifted her baby to her shoulder and stepped into view.
"Hello, Sir. What can I
[150 words] do for you?"
"Business, I'm afraid, Karin. Could you ask your daughter to leave the room?"
"And my son?" she asked pointedly.
The Commodore shrugged. "I think we can trust him not to repeat anything."
"Jenny, go and ask you father to start dinner."
"All right, Sir." Karin asked as the door closed, "What's this about"
"Did you know Commander Barrett Lucas?"
"Barry, yeah, he was a couple of years behind me at the Acad..." her voice trailed off at the implications of the 'Did'. "No!"
"I'm afraid so, a stupid traffic accident."
"Damn. But, with all due respect, Sir, you didn't just call to tell me a brother officer was dead."
Martens sighed, looking suddenly old. "No," he said, "I called because I need you to take the Loki out in Barry's place."
Karin closed her eyes, and hugged her son. Her personal nightmare was coming true.COMMENTS:
1. The Last Raider - The first few lines are radio script; I had no sense of setting, and Jenny's lines seemed a little over-the-top for the situation. Missing question mark after, "What's this about." Sorry, but this one didn't catch my interest. — SA
2. I didn't like the radio play opening (no images), and the setup seems all too familiar, but what the heck, I want to know what the mission is and how someone who can't even control her kid without assistance is going to deal with it. 3RD PLACE and GOLD STAR. -DP
3. <Part 1: Mildly interesting, I might give it a shot if nothing better comes in today.> <Part 2: Still only mildly interesting, and it goes on the bottom of the slush pile.> - MR
4. >>"Dammit, Jenny—help me with him?"<<
This is an exclamation and shouldn't end with a question mark! To keep the question mark, make it "Why won't you help me with him?"
>>"At least get the 'phone," Karin asked,<<
Here you have her asking when said would have worked better since you didn't put a question mark after phone.
>>"All right, Sir." Karin asked as the door closed, "What's this about"<<
The order of your phrases makes for difficult reading. You have Karin asking after a declarative sentence. And there's no closing punctuation. I'd make it something like, "All right, Sir, what's this about?" Karin asked as the door closed.
Other than the noted problems this is a very good opening and I'd like to know what happens next. PD
5. The Last Raider: I liked the bickering and the set up is pretty good but I've been around too many working moms to have a lot of sympathy. No vote LF.
6. The Last Raider—Makes first pass. Makes second pass, despite the hook feeling a little too much like author intrusion. Why do I feel I've seen this story several times before? Sorry, no vote. —Josh
7. The Last Raider—Third - Gold Star—The milieu/setting was a little unclear (a little too much dialog and not enough narrative). The impending conflict wasn't enough for me—I wanted to know just why taking the Loki was a personal nightmare for Karin. (BJ)
8. Speed up the pace a bit and you've got the start of something good! Micha
9. Mine, grabbed out of the inactive files when I ran out of time to write something from scratch. One of those ideas that wants an entire series for itself, no matter that you don't have the time to devote to it. A mother who doesn't want to desert her child, a daughter who doesn't want anything to do with her baby brother - guess which one gets left holding the baby.... DG
10. Not badly written, but there's very little actually going on here between the characters or even in the POV character. Stories that open with several rounds of dialog without any narration don't usually give enough info to understand the conflicts. I'd like to know about Karin's hopes to stay home before they're blown away. Maybe you've started this story in the wrong place? - KH
Astonishing Adams and the Great Bustard - BJ Galler-Smith
Once the terror of the impact with the planet below waned, and I stopped screaming, the knowledge of imminent death by splatter liberated the last of my restraints to the corporeal. I slipped the coils of mortality, as it were, and soared free.
I did not see God, though someone's almost-words murmured just at the edge of my hearing. I wasn't sure if I made them up to calm myself, or if some angel flew beside me urging me toward a light I could not see.
"No angel, mate, and don't look down."
The sound, no longer an undertone, nearly broke my eardrums.
I dropped a couple of thousand feet and imagined the thousands of spectators below already crying out in horror at my impending demise. I looked down. The festively garbed throng, like pieces of a patchwork quilt, zoomed closer, ready to stop my descent.
"You're about to splat
[150 words] and you're thinking about quilts?" The voice came from somewhere just above me.
I shrugged as best I could against the fierce wind of my free-fall. A quilt wouldn't hold me up. Spread-eagled, I tried to force the inevitable from my thoughts. Maybe, just this once, air could exert a buoyant force as strong as the Dead Sea's.
No luck.
I hit the ground at terminal velocity.
Pain convinced me I wasn't dead. The ground, however, filled my every pore and crevice; its clean and earthy aroma redolent with summer fertility.
A voice boomed just behind me. "Quite a rush, wouldn't you say?"
"Who the hell are you?" The words came out an incoherent mumble.
Something grabbed me by the back of my folded parachute pack and hauled me, spitting dirt, back to life. "Your new partner, the Great Bustard."COMMENTS:
1. Astonishing Adams and the Great Bustard - First. Entertaining, and well written, although something needs to happen very soon to establish where this could be going.—SA
2. Competent writing but content didn't appeal to me, and the title earned minus 10 points before I'd even started reading the opening. -DP
3. <Part 1: I like the turn of phrase here, but I'd like it a lot more if I had some idea if our hero is in a plane, space ship, hang-glider, or even winged himself.> <Part 2: At this point, suspension of disbelief has been stretched to breaking point, and I'd have to give this a thumbs down.> - MR
4. This is a kind of weird opening, but I liked it. I know there's a bird called a Bustard, but so far I haven't seen anything astonishing about Adams if he is indeed the one who is falling. PD
5. Astonishing Adams and the Great Bustard. The opening graf is a little ackward. However once I got past that I loved the narrator's voice. And I loved "You're about to splat and you're thinking about quilts?" LOL. Is this Josh or Duke? First Place Gold Star. More! More! LF
6. Astonishing Adams—Makes first pass, though I'm pretty skeptical about someone capable of sarcasm while falling to their death. Ah, parachute descent. Okay, makes second pass. Finishes second. —Josh
7. Astonishing Adams and the Great Bustard—Ghastly first sentence. but not a bad title, for once. Mine. (BJ)
8. Yet another ummm, different title. <g> Unfortunately, for me at least, the title was the most interesting part of this entry. Sorry. Micha
9. This gets points for the title if nothing else! I think it needs to establish earlier that Astonishing Adams is skydiving rather than falling off a cliff, bungee jumping or whatever. You also want to establish that his main and reserve 'chutes have failed though it probably doesn't want a great deal of detail. I do like the writing here, it's distinctive enough I'd read on to see where we're going. DG
10. Yeow! what an opening line! This is great fun, and a wonderful, humorous voice, not to mention the situation. I'd definitely read on. The only crit. I have is that I'd like a little more info about just why and how the hero got into that freefall—it seems to be a failed parachute at an air show, but you never make it explicit. Gold Star (maybe two in the middle of that free fall!) second place - KH
Never Underestimate - Lynn Fernandez
The bar was typical. No matter what planet they went to, they were all the same: dark, smoky and filled with bad boys in black leather. Bad boys in black leather were Andreas' weakness; and another one just walked into the bar. Lee looked at her California-blonde sister and resisted sighing. She understood the mystique but not the obsession. Her sister was like a moth to a flame. Only the moth didn't know that the flame was going to burn its wings.
Andrea jabbed a thumb toward the black leather bad boy. "I think our seller is here." She stood up, scraping the chair on the bare floor, and slowly pivoted to permit a 360 degree view of her well-formed body. Then she walked across the room to intercept the man.
Lee watched the expression on his face and smiled, of course if it weren't for the California-blonde mystique, they
[150 words] wouldn't get such good prices, either. Lee had thought about going blonde but she preferred the midnight black hair even if it wasn't a man magnet.
"Buy you a drink?" a man interrupted Lee's thoughts. She glanced up at him. He was a little worn, both his face and his clothes, but he looked clean.
"Sure," Lee said. She pushed back from the table, giving her maneuvering room just in case she needed to make a quick escape.COMMENTS:
1. Never Underestimate - This opening didn't catch my interest, sorry. "Her sister was like a moth to a flame. Only the moth didn't know that the flame was going to burn its wings." — The second sentence here is superfluous. — SA
2. I'll assume author is female, because "bad boys in black leather" is almost guaranteed to send icy shivers up the spines of heterosexual men. ;-) Competent writing but speculative content is zero, the characters appear vacuous, and there's no hint of what the story might or might not be about.
3. <Part 1: Sort of interesting, but something's missing, I don't know what.> - MR
4. This isn't the sort of story I would take the time to read. I have the feeling that the blonde will turn out smart despite the fact blondes are supposed to be dumb, and that the dark haired girl will need maneuvering room. It will turn out the stranger is the one they are there to meet and he's more attracted to the dark haired girl than to the blonde. PD
5. Never Underestimate...the number of Fernandez gaffs (tm) that I can fit in a single entry. LF
6. Never Underestimate—Makes first pass (I'm a sucker for the California-blonde mystique <G>). Makes second pass, but leaves me wondering where it's going. The arrival of the mysterious stranger is a pretty standard hook. I'd prefer to see something to set him apart—a pet iguana perched on his shoulder, or an interesting scar—something other than warn clothes to draw Lee's (and the reader's) attention. Finishes first. —Josh
7. Never Underestimate—I tired of the black leather and California-blonde stereotypical images rapidly. I needed a greater sense of who the players were, and what they were doing. If the conflict is picking up bad boys and scoring drugs—it doesn't work for me. I need a greater sense of conflict, characterization of Lee a little more, and more details of the milieu to set the when and where. Sorry. (BJ—a blonde born and raised in California)
8. I think I must have a weakness for bad boys in black leather, since they earn my first place vote this month. I hope this gets polished, finished and put up in the library for us to enjoy. Micha
9. Just a hint that we're not on Earth, but a couple of girls out on the pull just the same. There's a hint of something untoward, but the phrasing is wrong for them simply to be ladies of negotiable virtue. There's a promise of something interesting, but then the piece cuts off rather suddenly at the 228 word mark. I really can't see anything to criticize here, except that I wouldn't have stopped this where it does, and that's only relevant to the BOC, not the story itself. DG
10. Not bad, but nothing really riveting here. Except for the reference to other planets, this might be the opening of a standard gritty urban intrigue. You need to fix the pronouns in the second sentence: the two uses of "they" refer to two different nouns. - KH
Quarterly Results
May-June-July 2001
Cue dim lighting, a mist spreading over cold slate tiles. Flickering torchlight reveals a row of IMPs shackled to the walls.
The time has come, my friends, for the passing of the BOC Administration torch. Who is worthy of such an honor? Whose creative light shone the brightest here in the gloom of the IMPcastle?
Lis, the outgoing BOC Adminatrix, strolls down the line of IMP's, thwacking a leather riding crop against her thigh. She comes to rest before the one voted the most worthy by his peers. She takes the golden quill from the upsweep of her hair and touches it to the chosen one's eyes.
For the next three months, your sight will be changed. All entries sent to you will be equal in your eyes, as you remove names and post the openings for all to see... and judge.
She touches the chosen one's mouth with the golden quill.
You will not reveal, until the given date, the authors names.
She touches the quill to chosen one's forehead
You may change the rules... but remember to tread lightly upon the delicate egos and sensibilites of your fellow IMPs.
Lis thrusts the golden quill into the chest of the chosen one, and a crimson streamer of blood trickles from the wound.
You will give your heart's blood to the BOC contest, for the months of August, September and October!
Lis takes her place again, shackled to the wall with all her fellow IMPs. But the dreams of the Adminatrix do not die easily.
I will be back.
Congratulations to our new BOC Administrator, Josh Langston! ;)
QUARTERLY TOTALS:
Author May June July Total points Josh Langston 30 17 23 70 Mark Rudden 30 18 18 66 BJ Galler-Smith 15 23 17 55 Sophia Ahmed * 23 13 36 David Gillon 19 * 17 36 Lynn Fernandez * 21 11 32 Derek Paterson 5 9 16 30 Bill Allan 6 18 * 24 Micha Moeders 3 16 3 22 Phyllis Davis 3 7 10 20 Don Poort 16 * * 16 Deb Dunkerton * 13 * 13 Tylyn Ryan * 13 * 13 Giedi 3 10 * 13 Karen S. Hayes 3 7 3 13 Sid Gittler 3 5 * 8
May BOC Remarks
June BOC Remarks
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