December 2001 Best Opening Contest Results
Well, darlings, the results are in.
Congratulations to Sophia Ahmed for a resounding victory this month! Chasing in second and third place are Derek Paterson and Josh Langston. Well done, lads!
BJ Galler-Smith, BOC Administratrix
73733.1315@CompuServe.comDecember TOTALS - 1st 2nd 3rd Vote Xmas Total Hello, Skysailor Sophia Ahmed 12 4 1 3 0 20 Terror on Titan Derek Paterson 3 6 1 3 1 14 Last Virgin... Josh Langston 6 2 - 3 1 9 Outpost Micha Moeders 3 - - 3 1 7 Body Snatchers David Gillon - 2 4 - 0 6 Untitled #1 Deb Dunkerton - 2 1 3 0 6 Promise Me Lynn Fernandez - - - 3 1 4 No entry Phyllis D - - - 3 - 3 No entry Kevin S. - - - 3 - 3The above is subject to change if Adrienne's lost votes are found!
Index 1. Body Snatchers - David Gillon
2. The Last Virgin on Stanislaus IV - Josh Langston
3. Outpost - Micha Moeders
4. Promise Me - Lynn Fernandez
5. Hello, Skysailor - Sophia Ahmed
6. Terror On Titan - Derek 'Scrooge' Paterson
7. Untitled # 1 - Deb Dunkerton
1. Body Snatchers - David Gillon
'You're late!' the pilot hissed as we emerged into the blind canyon.
'It couldn't be helped,' I said, which was a hell of a way to write-off two dead friends.
'You got it?' the pilot asked.
'We did.' I acknowledged as Tegan and Fitz came through with the bodybag.
We watched the others winch the bodybag into the shuttle's empty weapons bay. When they were done Tegan clambered up onto the landing gear, unholstered her stunner and gave the bag's occupant an extended burst.
'We should just shoot the bastard with a proper gun and have done with it.' The pilot muttered. 'We'll have to kill them all before we're done.'
I turned slightly so that he could see that my hand was on my sidearm.
'I wouldn't want to be the man who had to explain to the Director why her prisoner died in custody,' I said to him. 'I really don't think she'd buy a claim he slipped in the shower. Now quit mouthing off and get us ready to lift, I'm sick of this bloody planet.'
§ Interesting events and potentially interesting characters, although I got the distinct feeling I'd walked into the movie an hour after it started playing. SECOND. -DPBody Snatchers - The second line here has to be one of my all-time favourites in a BOC entry, I loved it <S>. I dont think "write-off" should be hyphenated though. The full-stops after "We did" and "done with it" should be comm as. I couldnt quite understand what was happening in this entry: were "the others" who winched the bag Tegan and Fitz, and "we" who were watching, the protag and the pilot, or someone else? A few words could have been saved in this e ntry after another pass, I think. Overall, Id read on a little to see what happens next, but I dont have much sympathy with any of the characters so far, and the unclear situation stops me from voting for this one Im afraid. (SA)
1. Body Snatchers - Ok, I like this, but it doesn't feel like an opening, more like an excerpt. Still, I would want to read more. DD
>>1. Body Snatchers Good interesting opening. Definitely draw me in and I want to read more! Writing fine as is dialogue. 3rd Place. Kevin S.
Body Snatchers: 3rd. This feels disjointed. The voice changes in mid stream. I think it has more to do with the dialogue/exposition balance. Also I was a little confused. Where is the pilot? Initially I filled in that the POVC had just stepped into the ship. Now I think that the pilot intercepted them before they got to the ship. I think that should be clearer. I gave it a 3rd because I think with some rewrite it could be a rath er good story. LF
1. Body Snatchers 3rd My only question is why the pilot asked 'you got it' instead of him/her. Other than that, engaging, interesting and made me want to read on. Micha
1. Body Snatchers There isn't anything wrong with this story that I could see after reading it three times. Word doesn't like bodybag, it thinks that should be two words.Word also doesn't like unholstered. It offered as an alternative upholstered. Why not use the much simpler and more direct word, drew? PD
Body Snatchers—Makes first pass. My only quibble was with the use of "hissed" in the first sentence. The line which was supposedly hissed was: "You're late!" How can this be hissed? Otherwise an interesting read. Finishes third. —Josh
2. The Last Virgin on Stanislaus IV - Josh Langston
Jody wouldn't have to wait much longer, though the more he thought about it, the more a delay seemed like a good idea. He wiped a hand across the stain-repellent fabric of his one-piece rec suit, the closest thing he had to "good" clothes, then tried to smooth out the mayhem of his hair.
What would the guys on the team think if they knew he was nervous? What if— He choked off the thought. He wouldn't disappoint them. He couldn't. He'd won the Christmas draw, and they'd pooled their res ources to buy him a round-trip ticket on the Hardfall shuttle; they'd prepaid the cost of his air, water and food, and even reserved an Autohost to guide him. About the only thing he'd have to pay for out of his own pocket was the hooker.
The Autohost arrived and presented a screen of possibilities. Jody could have anything on Hardfall he could afford, even a human.
"Read the disclaimers before choosing," the machine said.
Jody frowned. He was never much of a reader; the photos would have to do.
§ Minus 10 points for the title. I couldn't help but feel that showing me all this instead of telling me about it might have interested me more? The last two paragraphs set off a Dumb Character Alert. -DPThe Last Virgin on Stanislaus IV - I liked this one. The protag was appealing (nervous, yet determined - aww, sweetheart! <S>) and the last line suggested all sorts of ominous things could happen. Would definitely read on. ; FIRST. -SA
2. The Last Virgin on Stanislaus IV - Love the title! And I love the disclaimer line, it gives real promise of a good story. First place. DD
>>2. The Last Virgin on Stanislaus IV<< Ah, goodo! Humour, and it works for me in opening up several possible scenarios. No problems with the the writing or dialogue. Kevin S.
The Last Virgin.. 2nd I don't think this is very original but I thought it was well written. I liked the details on his clothing . I was amused about his not reading the disclaimers. He could get into sooo much trouble. L F
2. The Last Virgin on Stanislaus IV Reads a bit clunky. Overlong sentences detract from this entry. Au could save a few words and streamline this entry with little effort. Watch for breaks after emdash. None ar e needed. Entry failed to catch or hold my interest. Sorry. Micha
2. The Last Virgin on Stanislaus IV This was a mildly interesting opening. I rather imagine that since he chose not to read the disclaimers, he will wind up married to whoever he chooses. Either that or everyone who contributed to him being there will be equally responsible and if they refuse to follow through they will be killed either singly or collectively. I wouldn't read on because it is too predictable. PD
Last Virgin—<shudder> Dreadful stuff. —Josh
3. Outpost - Micha Moeders
Bobby curled his lip in disgust as he edged forward in the debarkation line. The majority of his fellow passengers had been dome born and bred. Their stench of dread and uncertainty emanated before and after him, clogging the stale air.&nb sp; Unlike them, he felt no fear leaving the colony ship. He was eager to breathe the atmosphere of his new home.
Montana.
The memory wrenched at his heart. Bobby felt time shift, as mental images took control. Gone was the present, erased by a time and place light years away, by a place he had called home, before the war.
The vision solidified.
A crisp winter wind laden with the scent of fresh fallen snow crept over him. He and his older brother, Kyle, made their way on horseback to find the ever elusive perfect Christmas tree. The white blanketed valley, they rode thr ough was adorned by bare limbed trees draped with icicles. Behind them, lazy blue smoke curled from the stone chimney atop the homestead. Beautiful.
And it had looked postcard perfect-until the bombing started.
§ I looked around for something that might suggest where this story was going—there's no promise of what's ahead other than (theoretically at least) lots of bomb craters. Failed to pull me in. -DPOutpost - Nice writing, but the story doesnt grab me I'm afraid. The emphasis on his memories seemed too much - it would have worked better for me if it was given alongside his present movements, rather than instead of them. I was in terested in knowing more about what his fellow passengers were expecting would happen: I was hoping it was about more than just being outside of a dome for them, and I was disappointed that they were described basically as cattle rather than people - even in Bobby's viewpoint, some reason for not seeing any of them as individuals would have been good. I would read on a little to see what happens though. - SA
3. Outpost—Good start, I would like to read more. One question - is his new home called Montana or is that the memory? DD
>>3. Outpost<< Unsure of this one. On the one hand Montana is said to be the new home, on the other the character has a memory(ies) of it. Writing\description fine. Kevin S.
Outpost On the first read I thought Montana was the new home. The memory...before the war. I thought this was clumsy. This feels like a setup for a massive flashback. If the story is about Montana let's start there. If the story is about his new place, the Montana memory is overshadowing at this point. LF
3. Outpost Mine. Micha
3. Outpost 1st Was Bobby the only passenger on the whole ship who wasn't born in a dome? Where were the domes? If they were on the Earth, then why hadn't Bobby been born in one? What year is this story set in? It bothers me that Bobby seems to be the on ly person on the whole ship who is looking forward to this strange world. Most people are a product of their environment. The story implies that the domes have been around for a long time, i.e., dome born and bred. If part of the world needs to be domed, why doesn't all of it? I also don't like >> Their stench of dread and uncertainty emanated before and after him, clogging the stale air.<< Why not "The stench of their dread and uncertainty clogged the stale air." That would save yo u 4 words to use elsewhere. Once I get past my misgivings about the domes the rest of the opening is very well written and I would like to read on to see how this new world compares with Montana. PD
Outpost—I'm a bit confused; is Montana the POVC's new home or his old one? Makes first pass, but not the second. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
4. Promise Me - Lynn Fernandez
The water dripped down the walls. All of the tunnels had some sort of a leak. Sometimes the men found stuff to patch with but recently there hadn't been anything. There was a time when we could travel through the tunn els and find stuff . . . even food but now— well—even the rats were scarce.
"Anne," Kirin said. "What are you thinking about?"
"I miss the sky." I said moving over, making room for her on the wooden bench.
"We all miss the sky," Kirin said. She sat and rested her head on my shoulder. "Mom thinks it's time for the Winter Solstice."
"Like we can really tell what date it is down here."
Kirin whispered, "I've almost forgotten what the sun looks like."
"And flowers, and blue skies." I said.
"I wonder what's it like up there." Kirin said. "I wish George had returned."
"I like to think that it was so wonderful, that he couldn't bear to come back here." But I knew if he were alive, he would have returned.
"We could look for ourselves?"
§ Weak opening paragraph, I would have welcomed something more current, more active—a sudden flood, and the sight of people rushing to plug the leak? I'd suggest advancing the opening to the stage where Anne and Kirin have made their decision and are g etting ready to leave to go up to the surface, which might help ramp up the slow pace. Basic punctuation errors made for a bumpy ride. -DPPromise Me - Didnt really grab me...The idea of people indefinitely sitting around in a place with limited food while one person goes to look around doesnt seem right - some explanation needs to be given about why they decided to do this. There are three places this opening can really go - they stay where they are and something unmentioned so far happens (e.g. they meet some creatures living in the tunnels and some story ensues), they stay where they are, discussing things, and then die, or the y decide to go and look for themselves. No reason to expect the first, the second would be difficult to make readable, and the third is, I guess, where this story is going next anyway. Perhaps it should start at that point? Sorry to go on; Im just trying to explain my response to this. No vote Im afraid. - SA
4. Promise Me - I'm not really enthusiastic about the subject matter, though the writing is good. DD
>>4. Promise Me<< Writing\dialogue OK. Doesn't work for me as an opening after the first paragraph. Maybe a forward jump to where a group is actually attempting to access the outside? The reason is already contained in first graf. Kevin S.
Promise Me. Well it's mine and I think it has promise.<g>LF
4. Promise Me Has potential but reads very first pass. The concept really interested me however delivery fell flat. Sorry. Micha
4. Promise Me How long have these people been underground? Why are they there? They sound like young people but how old are they really? There is no indication of how the area looks or smells. Nor is there any real indication of who the people are. Kirin is a name that could be either sex. So do we have two or three females, or two females and a male? Is the narrator a man or woman? Is Kirin or Anne the narrator? I guess the biggest question I have is what happened to drive them unde rground? Sorry I wouldn't want to read on to find out what drove them underground.. PD
Promise Me—Fails first pass. Too many punctuation problems. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
5. Hello, Skysailor - Sophia Ahmed
Aaron decelerated, executing a wide, lazy spiral through the hangar that set off several proximity alarms before the Studly was caught within the Port's emergency field grids. The watch controller's impassive face appeared on the viewer as the engines drained, overriding Aaron's preferences and activating sound throughout the ship.
"Why do you bother, Delvian?" it drawled. Security docking fields looped over the Studly, pulling the ship smoothly to the hangar floor and temporarily blocking the airlocks. "Is it boredom? Let me suggest several ente rtaining ways to earn the five thousand units this is going to cost you." It flashed the figure in large, green type onto the viewer, and proceeded to code the fine onto the ship's signature.
Aaron flicked off the viewer and stretched, languidly. "Ahh, Watch," he said. "The greatest theft in known space is perpetrated not one light year away, and you fine me? No boarding? No scanning? I feel...hurt."
"If you were suspected of this, Delvian, the Landrin would already have you dead." The security fields released.
Aaron stopped moving.
"Well done," said Avril behind him.
§ Minus 5 points for the title. The last 2 lines are puzzling, but maybe the rest of the story will explain. FIRST for setting & content & promise. -DPHello Skysailor - (SA)
5. Hello, Skysailor - I'm confused, is he Aaron or Delvian? Other than that I like it. Second place. DD
>>5. Hello, Skysailor<< Another funny piece. Yay! Yep, this is a contender, already drawn in by main character. Love the title. This gets first place. Kevin S.
Hello, Skysailor. 1st place. Nice tone. At first I thought oh Top Gun in Space but Aaron is such an appealing character in a Han Solo-y way. LF
5. Hello, Skysailor 1st Interesting, well written, caught and kept me going. I liked the little twists and would love to read more. Micha
5. Hello, Skysailor 3rd Word doesn't like Skysailor! Oh, well! There isn't enough here to tell me who the characters are, but I would definitely read on. For instance, is Delvian Aaron's surname? Is the watch controller a robot/android? Why wait until the last line to introduce Avril? Who or what is he/she? PD
Hello, Skysailor— Well-written; I'd definitely read on. Makes first pass easily. Finishes 2nd. —Josh
6. Terror On Titan - Derek 'Scrooge' Paterson
Marie took her time loading her pistol. She inserted sixteen explosive bullets into the magazine, then slid the first into the breech. She placed the pistol on the table and sat down facing the airlock hatch. The viewscreen above the hatch showed Fenton coming inside the control dome. Or at least it wore Fenton's pressure suit and his familiar helmet with Santa Claus painted on the side. Damned religious fanatic. But she knew it wasn't really Fenton. Fenton was dead, along with the others.
He looked up at the camera. She could see his face through his visor. His calculating eyes. He knew she was watching him. As soon as the airlock pressurized and the inner hatch opened, he'd lunge at her like a madman. She'd watched the same scenario over a dozen times, heard the terrified screams, witnessed the awful deaths. She slid her hand over the pistol. The bullets weren't all for him.
He spoke, startling her. Microphones relayed his voice to the viewscreen's speaker: "We'd much rather have you alive, you know. You have skills we need."
§ Mine. Low key Brit SF drama once again scores zero points with international readers! -DPTerror On Titan - This entry was very easy to picture, but I think that has as much to do with the familiarity of the scene as it does with the writing, which was smooth. Id read on a little to see if this differs from the Alien / Event Horizon -type image I have of it, as the final line certainly suggests this could go in an unexpected direction. Pretty terrible title, though <g>. SECOND. - SA
6. Terror On Titan - Oohh, creepy! And I love the way you worked the Christmas theme in - very sneaky.Third place. DD
>>6. Terror On Titan<< Another contender. Suspense straight from the start and drawing the reader in. 2nd Place. KevinS.
Terror on Titan. This doesn't grab me. It feels really forced. LF
6. Terror On Titan 2nd Fast paced, well-written, interesting story line. Author should finish and post this one. The last graph gave me goose bumps in spite of it feeling clunky. Micha
6. Terror On Titan Why does having Santa Claus on his helmet make him a religious fanatic? Aren't microphones supposed to relay a voice from point a to point b? Why not say something like: His voice over the loudspeaker startled her. "We'd muc h rather have you alive, Marie. You have skills we desperately need." This saves you five words and makes a much cleaner graph. PD
Terror on Titan—Another well-written opening. I thought the storyline might be a little shop-worn at first, but this notion was dispelled with the hook. Nicely done. First. —Josh
7. Untitled # 1 - Deb Dunkerton
Erin smoothed back sticky strands of hair clinging to her face. sweat trickled down her spine, even though she could feel the chill from the flag stoned stable floor through her boots. The big stallion stamped impatiently and nuzzled her neck.
"All right boy," she murmured, "I'll be finished soon, just got to get all this mud off.
Erin smoothed the brush down the horse's flank in long regular strokes, feeling the bunching muscles relax beneath her hands. Steam rose from the sweaty horse in fine curling wisps that hung in the still, cold air. Bending to brush the horse's legs, s he breathed in the familiar scent of warm horse and hay.
Standing back she eyed the horse. Clean, shining, not a trace of mud or grass to give her away. Nodding satisfactorily to herself, she picked up a rough woollen rug from the stable door and spread it over the horses back, methodically fastening straps and buckles. She gave the horse one last affectionate pat and, leaving him to his breakfast, dashed through the rain to the house.
§ This one reads like the author was in an overwhelming hurry to dash something off for the BOC. If true then it's not a crime, we all have real lives, but it does reduce the opening's readability. Story-wise, we've watched a horse bei ng groomed, and that's all. What exactly am I supposed to vote for? <puzzled> -DPUntitled #1 - Debs? Nice writing, giving us an easy-to-picture scene, but there is little hint that this is or will be any different from a normal day in Erins life. She has been somewhere she shouldnt have been, but other than that, not much to draw me in here. Some errors: "sweat trickled" should have a capitalised s, "flag stoned" is either hyphenated or one word, and there is a missing end quote after "get all this mud off". I liked reading this however, as the detail given made it very real, and so would read on to get more of the same <s>. THIRD. - SA
7. Untitled # 1 - Mine - oops! forgot to put the title in - lousy title anyway. DD
>>7. Untitled # 1<< Nope, as an opening, it's a description of grooming a horse, basically. Nothing to hook or pique my interest. Nothing wrong with writing\dialogue\description. Kevin S.
Untitled #1 This has a good setting and good descriptions but there isn't any conflict at all. I'm not compelled to read on. LF
7. Untitled # 1 Needs a bit of attention to the basics. Sweat starting second sentence should be capitalized. Word usage doesn't fit in several places, most prominently 'nodding satisfactorily to herself' <groan> Watch repeti tion, horse is used at least seven times. Name him and use it or something... Sorry no vote. Micha
7. Untitled # 1 2nd >> Steam rose from the sweaty horse in fine curling wisps that hung in the still, cold air. Bending to brush the horse's legs, she breathed in the familiar scent of warm horse and hay. Standing back she eyed the horse.<< There are a couple or three too many horses in these sentences. The first sentence is ok, but thereafter, maybe it should be: Bending to brush his legs, she breathed in the familiar stable smells, then stepped back to look him over. >>Nodding sati sfactorily to herself<< Perhaps this should be: Nodding satisfied with herself. I liked the overall feeling of this girl for her horse, and the implication that she was or had been doing something others in the household wouldn't like. I admire her. I would read on. PD
Untitled #1—Fails first pass. Lacks any sort of hook. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
TITLE AUTHOR 1st 2nd 3rd Voted Bonus Total Untitled #1 Lynn Fernandez 6 6 1 3 1 17 B'Brox Donna Drapeau 6 6 0 3 1 16 Dot to Dot Sophia Ahmed 6 0 2 3 1 12 Momentary Lapse of Reason Deb Dunkerton 3 0 5 3 x 11 Death Stalker Micha Moeders 1 2 4 3 1 11 Encounter at Midnight Derek Paterson 3 0 1 3 1 8 Tesla's Bookkeeper Josh Langston 3 0 0 3 1 7 Wanting Phyllis Davis 0 2 0 3 x 5 Persistent World Wendy Gasperazzo 0 0 1 3 1 5 no entry Kevin S. - - - 3 1 4 Shinjaro Sid Gittler 0 0 0 0 0 0